Rebuilding IntimacyRebuilding IntimacyAfter an AffairAfter an Affair

Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D.Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D.Texas A&M UniversityTexas A&M University

In collaboration with:

Donald Baucom, Ph.D., University of North CarolinaKristina Gordon, Ph.D., University of Tennessee

How Prevalent Are Affairs?How Prevalent Are Affairs?

Lifetime occurrence of sexual infidelity: Lifetime occurrence of sexual infidelity: 21% men; 11% women21% men; 11% women

Rates of emotional infidelity are double: Rates of emotional infidelity are double: 44% men; 25% women 44% men; 25% women

2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 3rd leading cause for men 3rd leading cause for men

Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to treattreat

What Defines An Affair?What Defines An Affair?

Physical non-monogamy: Occurs along a Physical non-monogamy: Occurs along a continuum of physical involvementcontinuum of physical involvement

Emotional non-monogamy: Characterized Emotional non-monogamy: Characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistrysexual chemistry

Betrayal: Violation of relational standard Betrayal: Violation of relational standard (implicit or explicit) regarding physical or (implicit or explicit) regarding physical or emotional exclusivityemotional exclusivity

Three Stage Model of RecoveryThree Stage Model of Recovery

Stage I - Absorbing the blowStage I - Absorbing the blow

Stage II - Giving meaning, Stage II - Giving meaning, establishing new assumptionsestablishing new assumptions

Stage III - Moving forwardStage III - Moving forward

Characteristics of Successful ProcessCharacteristics of Successful Process

Gaining a fuller and balanced Gaining a fuller and balanced understanding of event(s)understanding of event(s)

Not remaining preoccupied with the Not remaining preoccupied with the traumatic events traumatic events

Giving up the right to continuously Giving up the right to continuously punish the person who has “wronged” punish the person who has “wronged” youyou

Reaching Reaching informedinformed decision whether to decision whether to maintain or terminate the relationship maintain or terminate the relationship

PTSD SymptomsPTSD Symptoms

0

2

4

6

8

10

12

14

16

18

20

Pre-Tx Post-Tx

IP

PP

EmpathyEmpathy

20

22

24

26

28

30

32

34

36

38

40

Pre-Tx Mid 1 Mid 2 Post-Tx

IP

PP

Global CommitmentGlobal Commitment

74

76

78

80

82

84

86

88

90

92

94

Pre-Tx Post-Tx

IP

PP

Goals of the Initial SessionGoals of the Initial Session

Establish safety and trustEstablish safety and trust

Demonstrate competenceDemonstrate competence

– Expertise regarding affairs and recovery processExpertise regarding affairs and recovery process

– Obtaining relevant informationObtaining relevant information

Prepare for future sessionsPrepare for future sessions

Addressing Initial CrisesAddressing Initial Crises

Contain immediate crises:Contain immediate crises:

Verbal or physical aggressionVerbal or physical aggression

Immediate decisions regarding boundariesImmediate decisions regarding boundaries

Immediate self-care needsImmediate self-care needs

Brian and Angela – SummaryBrian and Angela – SummaryBrian 29, injured partner; Angela 26, Brian 29, injured partner; Angela 26, participating partnerparticipating partner

Married 6 years; sons ages 3 and 1Married 6 years; sons ages 3 and 1

Affair – two months’ duration. Affair – two months’ duration.

Marital history and shared work history.Marital history and shared work history.

Individual histories:Individual histories:– Angela: Adopted, mother died age 18Angela: Adopted, mother died age 18– Brian: Oldest of 3 siblings; college drop-outBrian: Oldest of 3 siblings; college drop-out

Video – Initial SessionVideo – Initial Session

Emphasis on:Emphasis on:

– Current status of couple relationshipCurrent status of couple relationship

– Status of outside relationshipStatus of outside relationship

– Efforts to set boundaries Efforts to set boundaries

Treatment Goals for Stage ITreatment Goals for Stage I

Re-establish some form of “equilibrium” for Re-establish some form of “equilibrium” for the couple and individualsthe couple and individuals– Reduce emotional upset Reduce emotional upset – Establish behavioral routinesEstablish behavioral routines

Minimize additional damage to either Minimize additional damage to either individual or the couple– “damage control”individual or the couple– “damage control”– Minimize hurtful behaviors between the partnersMinimize hurtful behaviors between the partners– Minimize either partner creating problems with Minimize either partner creating problems with

the outside worldthe outside world

Discussing Impact of the AffairDiscussing Impact of the AffairWhat assumptions have been violated about What assumptions have been violated about who your partner is and what to expect from who your partner is and what to expect from your relationship?your relationship?What standards for your marriage (how What standards for your marriage (how partners should behave) have been violated?partners should behave) have been violated?What does the affair mean about your partner, What does the affair mean about your partner, the relationship, and you?the relationship, and you?What emotions are you experiencing, and what What emotions are you experiencing, and what ideas go with those feelings?ideas go with those feelings?Given these thoughts and feelings, what Given these thoughts and feelings, what behaviors have changed or have been behaviors have changed or have been disrupted?disrupted?

Flashback GuidelinesFlashback Guidelines

Clarify whether emotional upset is due to Clarify whether emotional upset is due to something currently upsetting or re-experiencing something currently upsetting or re-experiencing feelings from pastfeelings from past

Let your partner know what is happening (e.g., Let your partner know what is happening (e.g., driving by the hotel triggered old feelings)driving by the hotel triggered old feelings)

Let your partner know what you need at present Let your partner know what you need at present (e.g., being held; being left alone; talking about it)(e.g., being held; being left alone; talking about it)

Balance how much you talk with partner about Balance how much you talk with partner about flashbacks with other ways to handle on your ownflashbacks with other ways to handle on your own

Treatment Goals for Stage IITreatment Goals for Stage II

Identify factors that potentially contributed Identify factors that potentially contributed

to “vulnerability” or “risk” of affairto “vulnerability” or “risk” of affair

Prepare groundwork for additional changePrepare groundwork for additional change

Treatment Strategies for Stage IITreatment Strategies for Stage II

Present rationalePresent rationale– Potential benefits and risks of doing thisPotential benefits and risks of doing this

Examine potential factors successivelyExamine potential factors successively– Relationship factorsRelationship factors– Stressors from outside the marriageStressors from outside the marriage– Individual susceptibilities or contributionsIndividual susceptibilities or contributions

Participating partnerParticipating partnerInjured partnerInjured partner

Develop shared, comprehensive formulationDevelop shared, comprehensive formulation

Rationale for Exploring ContextRationale for Exploring Context

For injured partnerFor injured partner– Restores predictabilityRestores predictability– Potentially “softens” view of participating partnerPotentially “softens” view of participating partner– Contributes to appropriate self-awarenessContributes to appropriate self-awareness

For participating partnerFor participating partner– Broadens explanations for hurtful behaviorBroadens explanations for hurtful behavior– Contributes to appropriate self-awarenessContributes to appropriate self-awareness

For coupleFor couple– May facilitate collaborative efforts at addressing May facilitate collaborative efforts at addressing

relationship and outside factorsrelationship and outside factors

Conceptual ModelConceptual Model

Prior to Affair During/After AffairPrior to Affair During/After Affair

Negative influencesNegative influences High conflict; Pursuit by outsider; High conflict; Pursuit by outsider;and stressorsand stressors low intimacy retributions low intimacy retributions

Positive qualitiesPositive qualities Warmth of PP; Responsible Warmth of PP; Responsibleincreasing riskincreasing risk trust from IP “caring” for OP trust from IP “caring” for OP

Absence of Absence of Inadequate Lack of couple Inadequate Lack of couple protective factorsprotective factors attention to friends attention to friends relationship relationship

Challenges to Stage IIChallenges to Stage II

Confusing “understanding” with “excusing”Confusing “understanding” with “excusing”Reactivity of injured partnerReactivity of injured partner– Reluctance to examine relationship or own Reluctance to examine relationship or own

factorsfactors– Preoccupation with “why”Preoccupation with “why”

Reactivity of participating partnerReactivity of participating partner– Reluctance to hurt injured partner furtherReluctance to hurt injured partner further– Intolerance for sustained distressIntolerance for sustained distress

Differences in time-lines for two partnersDifferences in time-lines for two partners

Preparing a Formulation: Preparing a Formulation: What to IncludeWhat to Include

Emphasize multiple contributing factorsEmphasize multiple contributing factors

– Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domainsVulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains

– Both historical (developmental) and recentBoth historical (developmental) and recent

Different factors at different stages of affairDifferent factors at different stages of affair

Cite reductions in risk already achievedCite reductions in risk already achieved

Propose additional steps to be pursuedPropose additional steps to be pursued

Preparing a Formulation: Preparing a Formulation: How to Create ItHow to Create It

Formulations from each partner Formulations from each partner

individuallyindividually

Formulations developed jointlyFormulations developed jointly

– By couple together at homeBy couple together at home

– With therapist during treatment sessionWith therapist during treatment session

Regardless of how developed, share and Regardless of how developed, share and

discuss during treatment sessiondiscuss during treatment session

Video – Formulation SessionVideo – Formulation Session

Formulation for Brian and Angela emphasizes:Formulation for Brian and Angela emphasizes:

– Individual and relationship strengthsIndividual and relationship strengths

– Exposure to normative and unique stressorsExposure to normative and unique stressors

– Interaction of stressors with partner vulnerabilitiesInteraction of stressors with partner vulnerabilities

Implications for moving forwardImplications for moving forward

– Communication challenges for both partnersCommunication challenges for both partners

– Steps toward balancing relational needsSteps toward balancing relational needs

Treatment Goals for Stage IIITreatment Goals for Stage III

Strengthening progress from Stages I and IIStrengthening progress from Stages I and II

Discussing forgiveness and blocks to Discussing forgiveness and blocks to

forgiving or “moving on” forgiving or “moving on”

Deciding whether or not to continue the Deciding whether or not to continue the

relationshiprelationship

Either making the necessary changes to Either making the necessary changes to

rebuild the relationship or working on a rebuild the relationship or working on a

healthy terminationhealthy termination

Treatment Strategies for Stage IIITreatment Strategies for Stage III

Strengthening work from Stages I and IIStrengthening work from Stages I and II

Partners discuss how their understanding has Partners discuss how their understanding has

changed since they began treatmentchanged since they began treatment

Couple identifies what needs to change in the Couple identifies what needs to change in the

relationship, based on what they have learnedrelationship, based on what they have learned

Therapist summarizes and gives feedbackTherapist summarizes and gives feedback

Common Beliefs about ForgivenessCommon Beliefs about Forgiveness

Forgiveness means staying togetherForgiveness means staying together

Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying what happened does not matterwhat happened does not matter

Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling any anger about what has happenedany anger about what has happened

Forgiveness is weak or approving what happenedForgiveness is weak or approving what happened

Forgiveness must be granted immediately, Forgiveness must be granted immediately, particularly if person has apologizedparticularly if person has apologized

One should not/must not forgive one’s partner for One should not/must not forgive one’s partner for certain types of betrayals: affairs, violence, lies ...certain types of betrayals: affairs, violence, lies ...

Our Model of ForgivenessOur Model of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is Forgiveness is notnot::– Excusing or forgetting the affair Excusing or forgetting the affair – Reconciling or staying together Reconciling or staying together – An immediate or one-time eventAn immediate or one-time event

Forgiveness Forgiveness isis::– A processA process– An opportunity to gain in understanding about An opportunity to gain in understanding about

your partner, your relationship, and yourselfyour partner, your relationship, and yourself– A release from being controlled by negative A release from being controlled by negative

thoughts, feelings, and behaviorsthoughts, feelings, and behaviors

Treatment Strategies for Stage IIITreatment Strategies for Stage III

Deciding whether to continue relationshipDeciding whether to continue relationship

Discuss changes that would need to occur for Discuss changes that would need to occur for

relationship to continuerelationship to continue

Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make

the desired changesthe desired changes

Discuss partner’s motivation and willingness to Discuss partner’s motivation and willingness to

make the changesmake the changes

Help them think through what they wish to doHelp them think through what they wish to do

Questions for Evaluating the RelationshipQuestions for Evaluating the Relationship

Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern?Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern?

Has participating partner been able to make Has participating partner been able to make difficult changes in the past? difficult changes in the past?

Has the injured partner been able to make similar Has the injured partner been able to make similar changes?changes?

Has participating partner accepted responsibility Has participating partner accepted responsibility for his/her own actions?for his/her own actions?

Are both partners willing to make the necessary Are both partners willing to make the necessary changes? In themselves? In the relationship?changes? In themselves? In the relationship?

Video – Forgiveness SessionVideo – Forgiveness Session

Emphasis on:Emphasis on:

– Brian reads his letter of forgivenessBrian reads his letter of forgiveness

– Angela responds to letterAngela responds to letter

– Partners exchange pledges to move onPartners exchange pledges to move on

Available at: Available at: Self-Esteem ShopSelf-Esteem Shop

Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D., Department of Psychology Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D., Department of Psychology Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843-4235Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843-4235Email: Email: d-snyder@tamu.edu