RAISING CONFIDENT BOYS

Arbor Clinical Associates

Concerns about Boys

Concerns about Boys

The signs of the troubled boys and young men in this country are all around us: The shocking violence of Columbine, Paducah

and Jonesboro Bullying and intimidation in schools Popularity of violent, sexualized video games Adult bookstores and domestic violence

shelters in our communities Emphasis on material wealth to indicate status

and self-worth Rates of addiction 3x that of women

Concerns about Boys

Peg Tyre column in Chicago Tribune (Oct. 08): Boys are 5x more likely to be expelled from preschool Boys continue to lag in reading and are doing worse in

writing 2x as likely to be labeled “learning disabled” Compose 2/3 of special ed. classrooms Up to 10x more likely to be diagnosed with a developmental

or emotional disorder, and 4-6x more likely to commit suicide In high school, boys are withdrawing from extracurricular

activities, like student council and theatre, with sports being the sole exception.

In college, there are 2.5 million more female undergraduates than male undergraduates with the gap increasing by 100,000 each year.

Concerns about Boys

Summary: Our boys are hurting. These statistics all suggest we have to look carefully at how we’re raising our boys and attending to their unique needs as they grow up.

Boys Code

Boys Code

In “Real Boys”, Harvard developmental specialist William Pollack describes a strict ‘Boy Code’ of acceptable behaviors, taboos, rules and words. Be tough – don’t show any feelings except

anger Don’t show vulnerability or need – DO NOT CRY Don’t show that you’re close to people

physically or emotionally Handle difficulties on your own – don’t ask for

help Relationships are about power and control

Boys Code

Problems arise when a boy’s experience or feelings inevitably do not fit the code or its prescriptions. When a boy looks to the code and it doesn’t reflect his actual feelings or give him a realistic option, he’s caught in a true dilemma, because the code cannot be forsaken without the risk of deep shame Results in confusion, isolation, and a sense of

despair for the boy. Parents are also confronted by a dilemma: “I

sense my son’s needs, but he has to fit into a tough world.”

Boys Code

Example from Pollack: One boy, who was severely taunted at school, grew more and more depressed, even as he told his parents and teachers, “everything’s fine.”

We often see boys who are suffering silently inside and hiding behind more acceptable masks of toughness and withdrawal.

Building Confidence – Alternatives to ‘Boys Code’

Focusing on development of a positive, accepting relationship with parents as a foundation for healthy confidence

Boys may present as ‘doers’ true to the ‘Boys Code’, but they crave relationships with others, including their parents.

Solid relationships can: Help boys better negotiate challenges of

growing Allow boys to share and heal emotional injuries Become more authentic, expressive, and caring

How Boys are Built

Gender Differences in Brain Development

Boys are “Doers” and present as active Gross Motor Development – delayed fine motor

skill development compared to girls Cerebellum and Dopamine – increased

impulsivity and movement Frontal Lobe – less impulse control “Rest State” - boys require some down time

between tasks May present as sleepiness or distractibility Boys may stimulate themselves during this

time by pencil tapping, etc…

Gender Differences in Brain Development

Linear Learning - less multitasking, preference for one task at a time

Lower Sensory Integration – difficulty attending to verbal tone or subtle verbal cues

Corpus Callosum – less communication between brain hemispheres when compared to girls

Blood Flow – 15% less blood flow may contribute to more linear focus on tasks

Boys make good use of structure – however, they may need more time to memorize

Gender Differences in Brain Development

Relationships/Expression Relate through activity

Delayed verbal/language development compared to girls (3 ½ year old girl equivalent to 5 year old boy)

Prefer structured and organized activities Conflict – more likely to initially use

physical and behavioral ways to resolve conflict

Gender Differences in Brain Development

Development of Self-Image/Self-Esteem Poor motor development and low self-

esteem Poor fine motor development and low

self-esteem Self Image connected to proficiency in

physical activities

The Dilemma with Boys

Boys’ attempts to find balance Authenticity Relationships Functioning/Performance

Boys tend to focus on Functioning/Performance if they cannot find balance and may sacrifice relationships and authenticity

Risk of shame if self-esteem focused on Functioning/Performance without supportive relationships

Emphasizing Relationship Building

What to Do?

Relationship and connection work for parents

Power of parental hopes, dreams and fears Can be both positive and negative Where are the boundaries? Acknowledge risk for anxiety, frustration,

and anger Potential impacts on your relationship

DistancingPerformance based

Relationship and connection work for parents

Accept your child’s unique temperament What old scripts are you following? “Progress not perfection” The ‘What if…’ question – naming and

considering fears and hopes about the future

Developmental Awareness

Where is my child at and what are his needs? ‘Scaffolding’ Strategy

Child can reach higher level with supportQuestion: “What am I scaffolding?”

Higher performance, flexibility, independence, etc…

Consider that different goals may conflict – it may be difficult to encourage a child’s independence while still maintaining high performance

Developmental Awareness

Where is my child at and what are his needs (cont.) Find balance between challenge, support, and

protectionGive enough support to climb – don’t carry himWhen do I let him struggle and learn from natural

consequences? Define and measure developmental progress

Operationalize progress – clear, unambiguous measures

Work with child to develop expectations and rewards Parent transition from manager to consultant (approx.

age 11-13)

Building Blocks for Safety

Helping your child to know what to expect Consistency Clarity Predictability

Relational structures Expectations Roles Responsibilities Boundaries

Meeting Boys Where They’re At Using the way boys are built

Going where your child is Communicating while and through doing Routines are your friend – boys respond to

structure Boys’ Interests and Parental Homework

Google and Wikipedia – take some time to familiarize yourself with your child’s interests

Meeting Boys Where They’re At Mutuality and Creating Common Experience

Working and playing together Importance of physical contact – may need to be

parent initiated Celebrating

Specific Techniques Active Listening Child-Centered Play/Talk – avoiding the

performance trap 10-15 minutes of child led or directed play (parent fits

child during this time) Schedule consistent and regular time for play/talk

Authentic Communication/Reducing Felt Shame

Principles Openness and acceptance through

empathy Engagement of feelings and emotions

Reflection without judgmentHelp child build vocabulary and frontal lobe

connections to give non-physical options to manage emotions

Authentic Communication/Reducing Felt Shame

Principles (cont.) Parental authenticity and vulnerability

ModelingHow you’re thinking and feeling as parentsIt’s ok to say, “I need time to think about

that”Mutual respect and joint problem-solving

Realistic praise and encouragement

Resources

Michael Gurian: writes on development and education of boys “The Minds of Boys” – more education focused “The Wonder of Boys”

William Pollack: “Boy’s Code” and relating with boys “Real Boys”

Leonard Sax: writes on gender differences and implications for boys “Boys Adrift”

Carolyn Webster-Stratton: child-centered play and parenting guide for children 3-8 “The Incredible Years”

David Elkind: importance of play for children “The Power of Play”

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka – working with intense and energetic children “Raising Your Spirited Child”

Ross W. Greene – working with explosive children; also offers a relational-problem solving approach “The Explosive Child”

Contact Information

Kendra Battaglia, MA Bill Li, LCPC David Rennard, LCSW, CSATArbor Clinical Associates(630) 462-70051725 Naperville Rd., Suite 207Wheaton, IL 60189www.arborclinical.com