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Raise Your EQ—for Personal
and Leadership Success
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Brain References
www.ArleneTaylor.org
www.LLM.life 1-2019
IQ describes a level of inherited potential academic
intelligence (can raise your IQ from 5-30 points
depending where you start)
EQ describes a set of learned skills distinct from, but
complementary to, academic intelligence (IQ measure)
SQ (Success Quotient) describes one’s overall
success based on IQ + EQ levels—and is also
believed to impact health as well as longevity
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
IQ plus EQ equals your SQ or Success Quotient
IQ contributes 20%; EQ about 80%
IQ – a range of potential abilities that you
inherit
EQ - learned skills distinct from but complementary to IQ
Top performers use both in harmony; successful managers
tend to have high levels of EQ, while less successful
managers often have high IQs but low EQ
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
High EQ in your personal life and at work can allow you to:
Have a difference of opinion and still communicate in
affirming ways that minimize conflict
Build and maintain stable, rewarding,
interpersonal relationships
• Reduce negative stressors while increasing your health,
happiness, success, and maybe even your longevity
• Be more likely to achieve your life goals
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Christian spirituality, without an integration of emotional
health, can be deadly—to yourself, your relationship to
God, and the people around you… It is impossible to be
spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature...
Family patterns from the past are played out in our present
relationships without us necessarily being aware of it—Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (2017)
All individuals/families are damaged—some more than
others—trying to serve from a well of unmet needs is
unhelpful to the person, as well as to those whom they
are trying to serve, and may do far more damage than good
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
The brain is at least spiritual, relational, and sexual
(including aspects of mental, emotional, and social
functions); the brain needs to “grow up” emotionally
and spiritually and integrate those other functions
When your own level of spirituality or emotional intelligence
is low, it is impossible to provide healthy leadership; rather it
will reflect your own family-of-origin issues, the spoken and
unspoken rules handed to you at birth, your brain function,
unidentified and/or unhealed woundednessall packaged in
layers of behaviors passed on from biological ancestors
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Spirituality encompasses the spirit in which you
live life, including ethical and moral choices
It may involve an inner sense of something greater than
oneself (e.g., Higher Power, God), the recognition of a
meaning to existence that transcends immediate
circumstances, a sense of awe, affiliation, vision, or goals
to achieve the highest possible levels of brain-body health
and wellness (high-level-healthiness).
It may/may not involve affiliation with religion or ideology
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
In families there is a powerful opposition when one member
of that system matures and increases his or her level of
differentiation…even a little growth can cause a reaction
Murray Bowen
Some would like to differentiate, grow up, and mature but
stifle that growth due to opposition from family or culture,
or from living in an environment of over-control, or
trying to “avoid conflict” and “maintain harmony”
through over-conformance and over-compliance …
Anecdotally, similar patterns can be seen in organizations
Wholeness begins with knowing who you are and what
happened to you—and to your biological
or adoptive ancestors, insofar as possible
It involves identifying traumas that stopped
your emotional growth and kept you from
maturing spiritually and emotionally—what you learn may
be hard pills to swallow but maturing into high levels of
spiritual and emotional growth begins with those pills
• The unexamined life is not worth living —Socrates
• Examine yourselves —Paul 2 Corinthians 13:5
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Estimates are that 70% of relational choices and
communication in the present reflect your own
past, primarily what exists outside of conscious
awareness but impacts at a subconscious level
Most people want to “let sleeping dogs lie” and prefer not
to connect the past with the present (easier to blame
others); however, you can only deal effectively with and
manage well what you can identify, label, and describe
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Caveats: Only about 10-15% of what at goes on in the
“mind” comes to conscious awareness
Clear scientific evidence exists that facial expressions
registering at least joy, anger, fear, and sadness are inborn
and may be seen on the face of a fetus during gestation
based on what is happening to the mother
The fetus “knows” if it is wanted
and if it is the desired gender
EQ is not “emotion” but rather
a method of managing emotions
successfully on a consistent basis
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
God created emotions and scripture shows He used them
Joy: Luke 10
Anger: Mark 3
Fear: Luke 22
Sadness: Matthew 26
God communicates with human beings through emotions
and impressions received in the brain and nervous system
Scripture says in your anger do not sin and avoid letting the
sun go down on your wrathdoesn’t say anger is wrong
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Vital
personal
assistants!
All emotions are positive (three are protective)
although behaviors around them are often
negative
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
PET Scans: Joy is aligned with the left
hemisphere
Anger, Fear, and Sadness are aligned with
the right hemisphere
• Shame and Guilt - emotional interrupters
• Surprise and Disgust - emotional motivators
Emotions are fast-acting cellular signals triggered by an
internal or external stimulus and designed to:
1. Get your attention
2. Connect the conscious with subconscious
3. Provide you with information
4. Give you energy to take action
5. Help you make moral and ethical decisions
6. Bind your perceptions to your conscious beliefs, making
what you think about seem even more real at the time
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) involves the ability to
to recognize each of the four core emotions (joy,
anger, fear, and sadness) quickly; to obtain the information
the emotion is attempting to convey; to know what feels
good and what feels bad; to know how to get from bad to
goodexhibiting appropriate and congruent actions and
behaviors in ways that result in positive outcomes
Deleterious addictive behaviors represent attempts to get
from feeling bad to feeling better in ways that tend to
increase the likelihood of negative outcomes
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
When Goleman’s first book on Emotional Intelligence was
released in the mid ’90s many had never even heard of EQ
much less had any idea of what it really described or how
it could possibly impact their lives—even fewer had any
concept of a metaphorical EQ Continuum on which
behaviors could be plotted based on outcomes
The higher one’s position on the EQ Continuum,
the easier it is to identify high versus low behaviors
High Average Low
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotional Intelligence consists of three psychological
dimensions that motivate people to maximize productivity,
manage change, and resolve conflict:
1. Emotional competency
2. Emotional maturity
3. Emotional sensitivity
Dr. Singh is also developing an EQ Assessment
to use for evaluating potential hires for employment
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Dahlip Singh, PhD
Emotional Intelligence at Work
Emotional Competency:
Tackle emotional upsets and avoid emotional
exhaustion (no ‘stuffing it’ or ‘slush fund’)
Possess optimum self-esteem (not under- or
overinflated but balanced)
Handle egoism (take the initiative to prevent and/or
resolve conflict)
Use tactful responses to emotional stimuli (no overtresponse may be most appropriate at the moment)
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotional Maturity:
• Are self-aware (as brain matures)
• Care for self and develop others (as the
superego develops with brain maturation)
• Able to delay immediate gratification for a more desirable
long-term reward
• Can adapt (each brain only has its own opinion and you
know yours but can alter it as advisable or necessary)
• Are flexible (able to brainstorm options and alternatives
successfully)
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotional Sensitivity:
Able to respond to emotional stimuli of low intensity
(don’t need to be hit over the head with high intensity to
get their attention)
Can be empathetic (different from sympathy)
Improved interpersonal relationships (tend to
live at ‘joy’ and are not knocked down by
the choices of others)
Communicate positive emotion (mindset, self-talk, an
affirmation-style of speaking)
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Eight Skills:
1. Able to identify, accurately label, assess level
of intensity, and express emotions appropriately
2. Able to recognize what the emotion is
trying to communicate
3. Able to delay gratification and exhibit
good impulse control
4. Able to articulate the difference between recognizing
and identifying a specific emotion and taking any
immediate action based on it
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
5. Able to listen, read and interpret social cues,
and understand the perspective of others
whether or not there is agreement
6. Able to exhibit effective verbal and nonverbal skills
along with empathy and compassion
7. Able to manage own feelings and moods (a feeling that
hangs around for a long time) effectively – or seek help
8. Able to handle relationships effectively, minimizing
and avoiding all JOT behaviors
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Three JOT behaviors align with low levels of EQ:
J = Jumping to conclusions
O = Overreacting
T = Taking things personally
What EQ skills did you learn growing up?
Start raising your level of EQ by identifying JOT behaviors
quickly and avoiding them; replacing them with behaviors
that tend to result in positive outcomes; sure it takes
effort, but if you’re serious it can go quite quickly
Frustrated
Unaware
Unstable
Restless
Poor self-worth
Unhappy (blaming,
judgmental, critical)
Satisfied
Aware
Balanced
Peaceful
Good self-esteem
Happy (grateful,
appreciative)
EQ
EQ
Emotionally mature adults tend to exhibit behaviors
that represent high levels of EQ—most of the time
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Dejected
Angry
Lonely
Stressed
Dependent
Fatigued
Perceive failure
Motivated
Contented
Connected
Calm
Interdependent
Energetic
Perceive success
EQ
EQ
Who do you want to hire? Who do you want to work
with? Who do you want to live with?
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Individuals may be decades into adult life and still be
functioning at a very low level of EQ. For example:
Adults who are “babies” emotionally:
• Are unable to delay gratification
• Want someone else to “take care” of them
• Use tantrums in an effort to get their own way
• Tend to view others as a means to their own ends
• May be overcontrolling or overly compliant
• It’s all about me!
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Adults who are “children” emotionally (id):
• May pout, whine, complain, throw tantrums or objects,
stamp their feet metaphorically, manipulate, withdraw if
what they want is not quickly forthcoming
• Tend to take disappointments or a simple difference of
opinion personally; may be sarcastic or retaliate with
threats (You never loved me; I’m leaving)
• Act ‘hurt’ very easily and complain of being so
‘stressed’—can be a real challenge to deal with
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Adults who are “teenagers” emotionally (ego):
• Tend to live defensively and argue if criticized
• Unable to deal with conflict, blaming others or using the
‘silent treatment’ or refusing to discuss the issue at all
• Are critical and judgmental of others (often in an attempt
to make themselves feel better about themselves)
• May be self-absorbed, unable to empathize with or help
others; instead they rush to “tell their own sad story”
• May lie or exaggerate to look better in the eyes of others
High levels of EQ help to prevent conflict—
which happens everywhere and is expensive
Home: contributes to illness, stress,
violence, addictions, divorce, murder . . .
Schools and Churches: interferes with spiritual growth;
burns out teachers, elders, ministers, other personnel;
triggers misunderstandings . . . and may longevity
Workplace: managers spend 18% of their time managing
employee conflicts (low EQ) —US State News; August 19, 2006
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotions and feelings follow separate brain pathwaysBritish journal Lancet
You are not responsible for every emotion that surfaces
as external events can trigger them—you are responsible
for what you put into your brain that can trigger emotions
Feelings always follow thoughts—to change the way you
feel you must change the way you think
Behaviors follow thoughts, mindset, and self-talk
You are responsible for the feelings you hang
onto as your brain created them
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotions-Feelings Cascade:
An internal or external stimulus triggers
an emotion; the brain tries to make sense
of bodily physiological changes resulting
from the emotion; and the brain’s
interpretation becomes your feelings
You become aware of a feeling—that followed
a thought—and either hang onto it and exhibit a related
behavior or you change the thought, which changes the
feeling, and then you exhibit a different behavior
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
When you understand that your feelings are connected to
what you think about an event and not by the event itself,
you can gain a measure of perspective and control
You can change your thoughts and a change
in thoughts often can radically alter your
feelings and your behaviors—because
feelings & behaviors always follow thoughts
It is immensely empowering to realize that you
are not at the mercy of your emotions and / or feelings
EQ does not show up in IQ tests and yet EQ matters more
than anything else in determining your overall success in
life both personally and professionally
The following examples represent the type of
questions being considered by Dr. Singh for an
EQ Assessment for employment applicants
To attempt to hire personnel with high levels of EQ
As a management tool if behaviors fall short of the
assessment results …
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
A - When your idea is rejected, you:
1. Feel totally put down and tell others how
unfair this was
2. Analyze reasons for the defeat
3. Figure winning and losing are all part of the game
4. Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
B - Explain your current life in one sentence:
1. Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience
2. Successful – a contented person who has
what could make you happy
3. Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life
4. Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but
can’t get it
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
C - When a hearing-impaired person in your group
misunderstands a phrase, you:
1. Laugh with the others
2. Ignore the incident
3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it
4. Help the person and then comment about
a need to speak louder
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
D - When newcomers with different opinions
attend your group, you:
1. Ignore them and hope they go away
2. Criticize them to others
3. Accept them “as is” and set your own
boundaries as needed
4. Tell them to change in order to be accepted
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
E - When co-workers comment you are not
smart since you don’t know the lingo, you:
1. Ignore them
2. Ask them to keep their opinions to
themselves
3. Transfer to another department
4. Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, and
learn the lingo
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
F - After involuntary transfer to a project with a new boss
in remote area (albeit with a pay hike and promotion
possibility), you:
1. Mark time waiting for a promotion
2. Enjoy the challenge and pay raise
3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”
4. Jump the gun and think of resigning and looking for
new job
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Some EQ Myths:
1. Equates with being ‘nice’ (false); it equates
with being graciously functional
2. Is higher in women (false)
3. Means giving free reign to your feelings (false)
4. Is fixed genetically (false)
5. Is developed only in childhood (false) it can be
raised any time you want to start working on it
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org
Emotional Intelligence is a required course
for success in every aspect of life—and
a next class is always available
However, the homework is challenging, and exams are
often tough to pass, so many drop out . . .
You can do it and may even motivate others to raise their
level of EQ as they watch you role-model
High EQ makes for successful and effective leadership . . .
©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org