13
In my final year of college, I really had to think really hard of what’s next. The process of choosing a major, for me, was an extended period of thinking, conversations and compromises. There were a couple of factors that made the decision difficult for me at that point. First, I had such a wide range o f interest and I really wanted to do something that I loved. Coming into the US from Nigeria, I leaned towards STEM field. I had taken the science trifecta on Physics, Chemistry and Biology for my GCSE ‘O’ levels and it seemed to be such a given thing that I would end up in the sciences. However, even with my science background, I loved the arts and I had made it a point to study literature in Nigeria. Second, I am female and Nigerian. Specifically, I am a Yoruba woman. Culture plays a very big part in the laying down future expectations. As a woman, there is the expectation that you would marry young, have children and become the primary caregiver. This means you will be expected to be readily available to handle family responsibilities. From age 16, this was part of the consideration for what I wanted to do with my life. Could I be a journalist? Maybe, but it would have to be on a career track that does not involve loads of traveling. Could I be a doctor? Yes, but I would have to figure out the kind that does not require irregular hours. There just appeared to be so many things that I had to consider because making a decision. In a lot of ways, I sometimes feel as if my cultural upbringing failed me. As a young girl, I was part of a generation that was told I could do anything I wanted to do with my life. However, when the time came to jump, I feel like I got a shorter bungee cord that the guys. It was almost as if I was being told “you can only go so far because you are a girl, because you are going to be a mum, because you will have a husband, because you will have to home on time, because, because, because…” Coming into my final year of college, I had decided on a major through a minor act of rebellion. I had entered college as a psychology major but I decided I wanted to study writing. So, I did; I changed majors to Literature to focus on writing. However, now that the undergraduate degree was done, it was time to decide on the next step. During this time, I had the chance to write an article for one of my classes on the dilemma women face regarding career choices. As the conversation regarding career choices revs up once again due to the publication of the book, Lean In, written by Sheryl Sandberg, I have decided to publish my article on this blog. The article is rather long so I have decided to publish it as a magazine, powered by Issuu. I have re-edited the article for errors and clarification but I have left the core of the article.

Race of Our Lives

Embed Size (px)

DESCRIPTION

With the conversation on careers and women revving up again as a response to Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In, I have published an article from six years ago revelant to the discussion.

Citation preview

Page 1: Race of Our Lives

In my final year of college, I really had to think

really hard of what’s next. The process of

choosing a major, for me, was an extended

period of thinking, conversations and

compromises. There were a couple of factors

that made the decision difficult for me at that

point. First, I had such a wide range o f

interest and I really wanted to do something

that I loved. Coming into the US from Nigeria, I

leaned towards STEM field. I had taken the

science trifecta on Physics, Chemistry and

Biology for my GCSE ‘O’ levels and it seemed

to be such a given thing that I would end up in the sciences. However, even with my science

background, I loved the arts and I had made it a point to study literature in Nigeria.

Second, I am female and Nigerian. Specifically, I am a Yoruba woman. Culture plays a very

big part in the laying down future expectations. As a woman, there is the expectation that

you would marry young, have children and become the primary caregiver. This means you

will be expected to be readily available to handle family responsibilities. From age 16, this

was part of the consideration for what I wanted to do with my life. Could I be a journalist?

Maybe, but it would have to be on a career track that does not involve loads of traveling.

Could I be a doctor? Yes, but I would have to figure out the kind that does not require

irregular hours. There just appeared to be so many things that I had to consider because

making a decision. In a lot of ways, I sometimes feel as if my cultural upbringing failed me.

As a young girl, I was part of a generation that was told I could do anything I wanted to do

with my life. However, when the time came to jump, I feel like I got a shorter bungee cord

that the guys. It was almost as if I was being told “you can only go so far because you are a

girl, because you are going to be a mum, because you will have a husband, because you will

have to home on time, because, because, because…”

Coming into my final year of college, I had decided on a major through a minor act of

rebellion. I had entered college as a psychology major but I decided I wanted to study

writing. So, I did; I changed majors to Literature to focus on writing. However, now that the

undergraduate degree was done, it was time to decide on the next step. During this time, I

had the chance to write an article for one of my classes on the dilemma women face

regarding career choices.

As the conversation regarding career choices revs up once again due to the publication of

the book, Lean In, written by Sheryl Sandberg, I have decided to publish my article on this

blog. The article is rather long so I have decided to publish it as a magazine, powered by

Issuu. I have re-edited the article for errors and clarification but I have left the core of the

article.

Page 2: Race of Our Lives

Talking to these women, I realized that there is a common bond for women

who actively want careers and families…We learn to seek our dreams but

also we learn to compromise on our dreams.

     

Race of Our Lives

 

Women on Marriage, Family& Education.

By Sinmi Araoye

There are certain things that fascinate me in

life; relationships, politics and women. As a

woman, I find it interesting to know how other

women my age are surviving and how the

women before me survived. In an age when for

the first time women are no longer a minority

as undergraduates on campus, you’ll think

getting an education and having a career as a

woman would be easier. The shocker is that it

is not necessarily true.

Personally for me, getting an education has

been comparatively easy in the sense that my

parents have never questioned my right to do so.

Growing up in Nigeria where many girls do not

end up in school, I feel really lucky to have the

parents that I do because there are certain

contentions that women do not necessarily need

to be educated in Nigeria. Why else would the

principal of a private all-girls high-school like the

one I attended address his students and say “I

think your fathers’ money would be of better use

if he used it to marry wives”? This principal

Page 3: Race of Our Lives

ended up marrying an illiterate woman whom he

had impregnated before marriage.

For me, not getting an education has

never really been an option. Born into a family

that is matriarchal in nature on my mother’s side,

all my female cousins graduated from college

with at least a Bachelor’s. A few of them have

continued on to graduate school getting their

Master’s degrees. My mother is an architect. My

sister recently graduated from University of

Maryland with her Bachelor’s Of Science in

Economics.

As a current undergraduate student

myself, I am constantly having to weigh what my

career choices are. Besides the question about

passion and desires, I have to consider so many

other things; ‘Is this is a career that involves late

night?’, ‘Can you support a family on the income?’,

‘Does it involve traveling?’ The answers to these

questions are important because in the future my

career has to match up with my other life goals.

In ten years from now, I see myself

starting a family. At the same time, I still see

myself with a career. It has never been an either

this or that situation for me. I want it both, I want

it all. Wanting all is something women do in

recent generations. Unlike my grandmother’s

generation or even my mother’s generation,

women no longer expect that they would get

married and never have a career or have a

career with no family. The balancing act that

women perform in their daily lives includes

juggling so many elements of a personal and

professional life.

Last year, ABC news made headlines when it put

Elizabeth Vargas as co-anchor of its evening news.

About half a year later, a pregnant Vargas would

resign from the position citing the need to spend

more time with her growing family. The media went

abuzz with how her resignation was a step back for

feminism. There is this misconception that

feminism means having a career and a family;

doing it the way men do it. Personally, I disagree

with this motto, I believe in choices. You can

choose to have it all or you can choose what you

want.

When the chance came to have a project, I

really did not have a subject in mind. However, an

opportunity to write for UCSD’s newpaper, The

Guardian, about advanced degrees led me to my

focus. I had put out an email on a list-serve for the

International House for students planning on going

to graduate school or are in graduate school. I got

many responses; the only contacts that worked out

were women. Talking to these women, it was

interesting to hear the similarity in their lives and

mine. We are women who want to pursue

advanced degrees in the hope of having careers. At

the same time, we want to have families. Somehow

talking to these women, I realized that there is a

common bond for women who actively want

careers and families because we learn the

balancing act early in life. We learn to seek our

dreams but also we learn to compromise on our

dreams.    

Page 4: Race of Our Lives

It takes “your entire life to find balance. You should have balance, on average, over time – not in a day or in a month.” – Ursula Burns, CEO XEROX Quote from wsj.com Xerox CEO Ursula Burns Has Advice for Ambitious Women Image from www.businessweek.com

Page 5: Race of Our Lives

Like her mother, she wants to have a professional career but not one that would consume all the attention and time from her future family.

Portrait #1

It’s 7.15pm and I am knocking on the

door to Esther’s apartment. As I wait for

someone to open the door, a roommate finally

responds just as I think she forgot about the

appointment. Esther and I have been

communicating by email for the last week. As I sit

down, and admire the apartment, Esther walks in

and pulls out a chair next to mine. We turn the

chairs so that we are facing each other.

Then I ask her, “So you are applying to

optometry school, right?”

“Actually, I just got into one today,” she

says, smiling.

“Congratulations. Oh my gosh! I’m so

happy for you,” I say. I have just met her but

already I am celebrating perhaps one of the

biggest moments in her life. At this point, she

knows that optometry school is within her future.

Her phone rings and she walks away

from the table. I can’t really hear what she’s

saying but I get the last part of the conversation

as she tells the caller “…I’m going to be getting

many phone-calls tonight.”

Esther is currently a senior at UCSD and

like so many in her class she is applying to

graduate school and looking to her future beyond

graduation. Currently, she is a

biochemistry major with her emphasis on cell

biology.    Her minor is in healthcare with a focus

on social issues. She is a woman who has been

preparing really hard to go into the medical

profession. When I asked her how she knew this

was the career for her, she listed her

participation with projects that had a medical

focus. She has taken medical mission trips to

Mexico, Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

She has been working towards this dream for

about seven years now since tenth grade. Her

fascination with the eye has been alive for a

while. Sometimes, it is not clear if she is

fascinated with optometry in particular or the

medical field in general. Talking to her, she

made comments about researching the

medical field. When pushed to give specifics,

she talks about how she could never be a

neurosurgeon because the thought of operating

on a person’s brain did not really appeal to her.

Emergency health care is not her thing either

because she’s “not fit for the lifestyle.”

Sometimes talking to her was a bit hard

because she was not truly forthcoming on her

emotions. Her answers were very factual and

guarded. It is to be expected though,

considering I had only met her that evening.

The lifestyle of an optometrist is certainly one

that appeals to a lot of women. During this past

summer, Esther interned with a group practice

owned by a woman and two other men.    

Page 6: Race of Our Lives

According to Esther, the woman only worked

three days a week and still seemed to be living

a comfortable lifestyle. For a generation of

women, who not only seem intent on having

careers but successful families as well, what’s

there not to like? According to Esther, in the

current optometry incoming class for UC

Berkeley, seventy-five percent are women. This

means in the class of sixty, only twelve are

men. For a woman who seems fixated on

getting married before her four years at

medical school is over, this may seem like a

disadvantage. The logic being it reduces her

chances of meeting a guy to marry in

optometry school. This disparity does not

bother Esther because she stated clearly that

she is not interested in marrying an

optometrist. If only we could all get to choose

whom we love.

As a first generation American citizen,

Esther is still not free of some of the cultural

expectations to get married. Her parents

emigrated from Taiwan to go university in the

United States. Her father has a Master’s in

Mathematics from Berkeley and practices as a

computer engineer. Although Esther’s mother

has a Bachelor’s degree (Esther did not know

her field of study) and also works as a

freelance real estate agent, her primary role is

that of home-maker. This example set by her

mother seems to be one that has influenced

her choice. Her primary focus beyond medical

school is to have a family and be there for her family.

Like her mother, she wants to have a professional

career but not one that would consume all the

attention and time from her future family. With the

intensity and steadfastness she stated her desire to

be married before she is twenty-five, I was a bit

surprised to learn that she is single without a

boyfriend. For right now, Esther is focusing on applying

to UC Berkeley School of Optometry, which is her first

choice.

This focus on education runs in the family. Esther’s

brother, David is in a graduate school. At twenty-six,

David is currently in a doctorate program at Stanford.

His field of study is engineering. It is hard to know if

these desires for high profile careers are a result of

familial pressure or just personal desires. When

asked if her parents played a part in her decision, she

replied that, “it is not important to them.” For some

reason the answer seemed very politically correct to

me instead of honest.

Portrait #2

The door to Café V (V for Ventana) is

transparent and the dinner hustle is just beginning. It

is 5.00pm and I have just descended the stairs. I am

looking all around for a face that I might perhaps

recognize. I see the girl with the back-pack coming up

behind me.

“Are you Sinmi?” she says to me.

“Hi, you must be Irene,” I say. From there, we

proceed into the hall to get dinner. Irene goes for a

turkey sandwich while I decide it is a good time for a

cut of steak.

Page 7: Race of Our Lives

*

We pay for the meals and walk into the crowd. Along

the side of the central seating area is a strip of tables

that look out to the parking lot. I think it is a good idea

to sit there so that we can have a conversation. Irene

sits with her back to the room. She takes large bites

from her sandwich as I try to remember the first

question I asked Esther. I wanted to keep the interview

as uniform as possible and to cover a basic set of five

questions. At the same time I wanted the conversation

to follow a natural course so that my interviewee would

feel more comfortable and be forthcoming.

Sitting across from me, she looks tired. She has just

returned from work. Irene is telling me that she applied

for a Rhodes scholarship.  

She is convinced that it won’t come

through, but all the same, there is still that part of

her holding on to chance. Rhodes Scholarship is

tied to Oxford University and it is one of the most

prestigious scholarships out there. William Clinton

was a recipient and just applying for one denotes a

certain air of achievement in itself. If the

scholarship does not come through for Irene, she

is prepared to go to other schools. The problem

with applying to graduate programs is the fact

that they are not all the specific program she

wants. She already knows what her dissertation

topic would be for her doctorate thesis: the role of

religion in AIDS prevention with a focus on Africa.

                                                                                                               • http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2008/04/14/indrya-­‐nooyi-­‐pepsico-­‐

ceo-­‐on-­‐mentors-­‐meritocracy-­‐and-­‐maternity/    

“Make sure you have the right

spouse and be nice to your

family, as babysitting duties and

favors will be called in and you

need to have a good support

system”

-Indra Nooyi, CEO PepsiCO*

Page 8: Race of Our Lives

Currently an International Studies major, her

emphasis is on Anthropology and Sociology. Irene’s

interest in the field came about during her sophomore

year. As an orthodox Christian, she goes to church

regularly and on one such visit, she got invited to an

Ethiopian service. Reveling in the ceremonial

differences of the Ethiopian service and the American

one, she got into conversation with the African

congregation about how AIDS was changing the

continent. Thus, an interest in anthropology was born;

medical anthropology to be specific.

Irene acknowledges that some of her interest

comes from her parents. Her mother was interested

in studying archaeology as a student. Her mom never

went to college though. The only child of a Greek family,

she turned down a Fulbright Scholarship to go to

Columbia University so that she could work and

support her parents. Now, she is married to an

American with an engineering degree and working as

an administrative assistant. She says with pride “I had

high cultural capital.” She speaks like a budding

sociologist. The same “high cultural capital” must have

worked its influence on difference ways on Irene and

her sister. Her younger sister, Maria, is into theatre

and art, with no inclination what so ever to go to

graduate school. The youngest sister, a current high

school student, sees law school in her future. Yet,

there is no decrease in the amount of pride in Irene

voice when she talks about either sister. To her,

Maria’s lack of interest is good because it is her

decision. After all, they are born of parents who

have “individualistic attitudes.”

With plans to apply to Harvard University,

Washington University at St. Louis, UCSF as well

as the University of Florida, I wonder how that is

going to affect her two year relationship with her

boyfriend, Kin. Perhaps, it might have been easier

if they were both going into graduate school.

However, they are not. They are on opposite tracts

in their career. He, at 33, is completing his

doctorate program in the sociology of American

Religion. It has to be a tough decision to make

when you are putting something solid on the line.

Especially, when the boyfriend seems like a perfect

catch. Which truly modern woman in her right

mind dumps a man that tells you he is okay being

a stay-at-home dad while you work?

At twenty-one, Irene is not really ready for children,

yet. Sure, she sees marriage in their future. They

are learning to compromise. She tells me candidly

“we strategize. Whoever gets the better offer, we

follow.” Looking at her, I wonder if anyone should

have to make such a decision at a young age. As

she points out though “no matter where I end up,

I’ll find something.” She says this because she is

interested in AIDS research therefore there will

always be a place for her to work. How many

places would hire a Doctor of Philosophy in

Which truly modern woman in her right mind dumps a man that tells

you he is okay being a stay-at-home dad while you work?

Page 9: Race of Our Lives

Sociology of American Religion? Even, the chances

of making it into the academia are slim considering

that he has only published one paper. This worries

her a bit because she knows if he can’t get a good

job then she may have to support both of them

primarily.

As she talks about making plans, it seems

odd that such a focused twenty-one year old would

be dating a man twelve years older than she is. I ask

how they met. At first hesitant, then embarrassed,

she tells me that he was once her TA. After

discussing her passion for Africa while she was in

his class, the next quarter they started dating. She

looks straight at me and tells me that they both

consider their relationship a bit inappropriate. Love

certainly has made people do crazier things.

As we wrap up dinner, we walk back

towards the building in which we both live. I never

realized that she lived right below my apartment.

We talk about the Impact One campaign on campus

and how they could use funds more efficiently. I’m

ranting about how I don’t think bad publicity for

Africa is good. My grief with the program being that

it is spending an enormous amount of money

publicizing the fact that Africa has an AIDS crisis to

college students by handing out t-shirts and glossy

postcards. Especially, I really do not believe that

college students are politically active enough to

make a difference to the Africans. The money might

have been spent better providing direct treatments

to those suffering during this AIDS crisis. Or Impact

One could teach these students about the AIDS

crisis quietly developing in America as women are

getting infected at a higher rate than before.

Irene tells me she agrees with me that the money

could have been spent more effectively. When she

gets to her door she pauses and tells me that she

knows the current trend of taking an interest in

Africa would certainly make explaining her passion

much more difficult. Everyone might assume she

jumped on the bandwagon rather than truly learning

all the realities of the issue. It is shouldn’t be too

hard considering I never once perceived her to be a

‘know-it-all’ kind of intellectual, my extremely critical

side included. But then, this is the woman whose

face lit up when she told me about her first project

working with young women in Mexico and teaching

them about ways to avoid being infected with AIDS.

She said afterwards “it clicked.”

Portrait #3.

I have just come back from dinner with Irene

when I check my email. There is a note from Oxana

telling me she can meet tonight if I call her. I am

overjoyed as this is the only graduate student who

responded to my mass email for interviews. So, I call

her and we agree to meet in about forty minutes.

Later, she’s a little late as I sit in the cold waiting for

her at the stairwell to her apartment. Five minutes

after the anointed time, I see a leggy brunette

walking towards me.

“I’m Oxana,” she says, her drawl betraying

her European heritage.

We move to the study rooms where it is

warmer and there is no one around to bother us. I

begin by asking her about her program of study.

Oxana is currently a visiting scholar with the

International Relations/Pacific Studies (IRPS)

department as an economics student. Her

Page 10: Race of Our Lives

doctorate program is based in Italy and takes

anywhere from three to five years to complete. As

an undergraduate student, she first began studying

in Ukraine and got her first degree in Accounting

and Finance. She had wanted to study something in

the sciences. At the time she was going to school,

the sciences did not have a future in Ukraine,

according to her educated mother. Plus, her

mother never thought the field of study was

appropriate for a young woman. So she settled on

what she could get. However, when she moved to

Italy, the Ukrainian degree was not recognized. She

had to retake the Bachelor’s in Economics.

they call each other constantly.

We talk about how the world is adopting American

economic policies on a large scale. We talk about

America’s role in the World Wars. Her face turns

dark as she says to me “they put my people in

poverty, they put my grand-parents on bread and

water. That is why I study economics.” Perhaps that

is her motivation for studying Behavioral Economics

but the desire for an education runs in her family.

Both of her parents went to college. Her mother,

now deceased, was a specialist in programming as

an electronic engineer. Her father was also an

electronic engineer. Even, her grand-parents went

 It is hard to be different because there is no heritage tying to you to something solid and older than you are. During her Italian undergraduate program, she

went to an intensive seminar for those interested in

economics and that would change her life. She

realized that she wanted to pursue advance

degrees in economics. She was going to pursue the

degrees in the United States. However, by the time

she completed her Bachelor’s in Italy, she was

married to a man, Roberto, whom she met at the

seminar. Roberto is an assistant professor in

economics. His specialty is econometrics having

studied statistics and economics as an

undergraduate and he has a doctorate in

Economics. As a compromise, for her not being able

to pursue a full degree in the United States, Oxana

opted to spend one year as a visiting scholar at

UCSD. Spending one year away from one’s husband

must be hard, I noted. She smiles and tells me that

to college but because of World War II, they were

never able to get their degrees. There is pride in her

voice as she tells me about her family’s educational

history. Her brother studied topography at a

Russian university.

It might be her mother’s experience as a female

engineer that informed her advice to her daughter.

When I told my mother that I wanted to be an

architect, she had a fit. She though I could do

almost anything else in the world but that. Well, I

was not so badly hurt, it turns out I hate physics

which is essential to architecture. Maybe, like my

mother, Oxana’s mother did not want her daughter

facing her struggles.

Her voice turns sour as she tells about how

the crash of the Ukrainian economy led to lost of

jobs for her parents. First her father, then her

Page 11: Race of Our Lives

Her brother never was interested in map-drawing

so he opened up a curtain business with his wife in

Russia. Her once chipper voice is dim. There is

almost a sense of embarrassment coming over her.

I note to her that in the United States,

entrepreneurship is something to be celebrated.

Besides, the fact that they all have their degrees is

something to be proud of. In Italy, a lot of the

Ukrainian immigrants come in as unskilled labor;

doing jobs that pay the least and have the lowest

social standing. When they hear that she is

Ukrainian and in the doctorate program, the Italians

get haughty with her, annoyed that she is perhaps

doing better than their children.

Soon after talking about her family’s economic

woes, she clams up and it takes a while to calm her

down. I have to thread lightly with the question so it

does seem as if I am invading her privacy. As a child,

Oxana spent her summers with her maternal

grandmother who is Russian, therefore speaks

Russian is better than the Ukrainian native

language. As an adult, she moved to Italy and is now

in the process of legally naturalizing into an Italian.

Italy for her feels more like home than anyplace else

she’s ever been. Oxana has not fully absorbed this

fact. She does acknowledge that it is the most  

logical place to home, since her brother is now

Russian, her mother is dead and therefore she

has no longing for the Ukraine. Plus, her husband

is Italian.

As she becomes more open, she tells me

sometimes she does not feel as if she knows who

she is. I tell her that I have the same problem. I am

an immigrant and it is hard to be something that

my mother is not. I very much have defined myself

as my mother’s daughter my whole life. I want to

be exactly like my mother which one of the

reasons I considered architecture. I try to make

my decisions how I think my mother would choose.

All of a sudden, I am doing something she may not

understand. I tell her that we both come from

culture where we are defined by our communities,

the people that raised us, and then all of a sudden

standing as individuals, we are lost. It is hard to be

different because there is no heritage tying to you

to something solid and older than you are. I tell her

one day she would find the answers if she hasn’t

already since I am starting to find my own identity.

An identity that is an amalgamation of the things I

grew up knowing and the things I am discovering

in me and the people I meet daily.    

-­‐the  end  

Page 12: Race of Our Lives

Six Years Later.

When I wrote that article, I had just turned 20 the previous month. Here I was

no longer a teenager and graduating from college in a few months. It was an

amazing moment in my life when I felt like I had to make all my decisions

immediately or my life won’t make sense.

If the woman that I was then could see the woman that I am now, she would be

surprised. And I say this with happiness. I have become more relaxed about my

life since then. Like so many young women, I was at a point in my life where I

was so focused on getting my career ready for marriage and children. I was, in

effect, leaning away from the table.

All of the stress of finishing college, applying for jobs and wondering what

would happen next made for a depressing few months. Especially, when I

graduated college and still did not have a job. I was disappointed.

One of the best decisions I made during that time was not to make decisions

at all. In the year after graduation, I got the chance to live in San Diego and

work in a professional environment. I enjoyed my time working for a big

company but I realized I wanted something more for myself than what was in

front of me. I was not willing to settle for what seemed like an administrative

track job.

This many years later, I am leaning into the table. I am at a point in my life

where I realize I have to life for now. I am now actively looking for opportunities

in life that would allow me push my career to the fullest. Nothing really is off

the table for me.

One of the reasons why the Sheryl Sandberg book Lean In resonates so much

with me is because I can identify with her hypothesis. There are so many

Page 13: Race of Our Lives

environment factors that limit women’s progress. However, another factor is

women’s attitudes towards their career.

Not all women want to make it to C-level and that is fine. However, for those

who aim for C-level, there needs to be a rethink of the many things we do to

limit ourselves.

Sinmi