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With the conversation on careers and women revving up again as a response to Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In, I have published an article from six years ago revelant to the discussion.
Citation preview
In my final year of college, I really had to think
really hard of what’s next. The process of
choosing a major, for me, was an extended
period of thinking, conversations and
compromises. There were a couple of factors
that made the decision difficult for me at that
point. First, I had such a wide range o f
interest and I really wanted to do something
that I loved. Coming into the US from Nigeria, I
leaned towards STEM field. I had taken the
science trifecta on Physics, Chemistry and
Biology for my GCSE ‘O’ levels and it seemed
to be such a given thing that I would end up in the sciences. However, even with my science
background, I loved the arts and I had made it a point to study literature in Nigeria.
Second, I am female and Nigerian. Specifically, I am a Yoruba woman. Culture plays a very
big part in the laying down future expectations. As a woman, there is the expectation that
you would marry young, have children and become the primary caregiver. This means you
will be expected to be readily available to handle family responsibilities. From age 16, this
was part of the consideration for what I wanted to do with my life. Could I be a journalist?
Maybe, but it would have to be on a career track that does not involve loads of traveling.
Could I be a doctor? Yes, but I would have to figure out the kind that does not require
irregular hours. There just appeared to be so many things that I had to consider because
making a decision. In a lot of ways, I sometimes feel as if my cultural upbringing failed me.
As a young girl, I was part of a generation that was told I could do anything I wanted to do
with my life. However, when the time came to jump, I feel like I got a shorter bungee cord
that the guys. It was almost as if I was being told “you can only go so far because you are a
girl, because you are going to be a mum, because you will have a husband, because you will
have to home on time, because, because, because…”
Coming into my final year of college, I had decided on a major through a minor act of
rebellion. I had entered college as a psychology major but I decided I wanted to study
writing. So, I did; I changed majors to Literature to focus on writing. However, now that the
undergraduate degree was done, it was time to decide on the next step. During this time, I
had the chance to write an article for one of my classes on the dilemma women face
regarding career choices.
As the conversation regarding career choices revs up once again due to the publication of
the book, Lean In, written by Sheryl Sandberg, I have decided to publish my article on this
blog. The article is rather long so I have decided to publish it as a magazine, powered by
Issuu. I have re-edited the article for errors and clarification but I have left the core of the
article.
Talking to these women, I realized that there is a common bond for women
who actively want careers and families…We learn to seek our dreams but
also we learn to compromise on our dreams.
Race of Our Lives
Women on Marriage, Family& Education.
By Sinmi Araoye
There are certain things that fascinate me in
life; relationships, politics and women. As a
woman, I find it interesting to know how other
women my age are surviving and how the
women before me survived. In an age when for
the first time women are no longer a minority
as undergraduates on campus, you’ll think
getting an education and having a career as a
woman would be easier. The shocker is that it
is not necessarily true.
Personally for me, getting an education has
been comparatively easy in the sense that my
parents have never questioned my right to do so.
Growing up in Nigeria where many girls do not
end up in school, I feel really lucky to have the
parents that I do because there are certain
contentions that women do not necessarily need
to be educated in Nigeria. Why else would the
principal of a private all-girls high-school like the
one I attended address his students and say “I
think your fathers’ money would be of better use
if he used it to marry wives”? This principal
ended up marrying an illiterate woman whom he
had impregnated before marriage.
For me, not getting an education has
never really been an option. Born into a family
that is matriarchal in nature on my mother’s side,
all my female cousins graduated from college
with at least a Bachelor’s. A few of them have
continued on to graduate school getting their
Master’s degrees. My mother is an architect. My
sister recently graduated from University of
Maryland with her Bachelor’s Of Science in
Economics.
As a current undergraduate student
myself, I am constantly having to weigh what my
career choices are. Besides the question about
passion and desires, I have to consider so many
other things; ‘Is this is a career that involves late
night?’, ‘Can you support a family on the income?’,
‘Does it involve traveling?’ The answers to these
questions are important because in the future my
career has to match up with my other life goals.
In ten years from now, I see myself
starting a family. At the same time, I still see
myself with a career. It has never been an either
this or that situation for me. I want it both, I want
it all. Wanting all is something women do in
recent generations. Unlike my grandmother’s
generation or even my mother’s generation,
women no longer expect that they would get
married and never have a career or have a
career with no family. The balancing act that
women perform in their daily lives includes
juggling so many elements of a personal and
professional life.
Last year, ABC news made headlines when it put
Elizabeth Vargas as co-anchor of its evening news.
About half a year later, a pregnant Vargas would
resign from the position citing the need to spend
more time with her growing family. The media went
abuzz with how her resignation was a step back for
feminism. There is this misconception that
feminism means having a career and a family;
doing it the way men do it. Personally, I disagree
with this motto, I believe in choices. You can
choose to have it all or you can choose what you
want.
When the chance came to have a project, I
really did not have a subject in mind. However, an
opportunity to write for UCSD’s newpaper, The
Guardian, about advanced degrees led me to my
focus. I had put out an email on a list-serve for the
International House for students planning on going
to graduate school or are in graduate school. I got
many responses; the only contacts that worked out
were women. Talking to these women, it was
interesting to hear the similarity in their lives and
mine. We are women who want to pursue
advanced degrees in the hope of having careers. At
the same time, we want to have families. Somehow
talking to these women, I realized that there is a
common bond for women who actively want
careers and families because we learn the
balancing act early in life. We learn to seek our
dreams but also we learn to compromise on our
dreams.
It takes “your entire life to find balance. You should have balance, on average, over time – not in a day or in a month.” – Ursula Burns, CEO XEROX Quote from wsj.com Xerox CEO Ursula Burns Has Advice for Ambitious Women Image from www.businessweek.com
Like her mother, she wants to have a professional career but not one that would consume all the attention and time from her future family.
Portrait #1
It’s 7.15pm and I am knocking on the
door to Esther’s apartment. As I wait for
someone to open the door, a roommate finally
responds just as I think she forgot about the
appointment. Esther and I have been
communicating by email for the last week. As I sit
down, and admire the apartment, Esther walks in
and pulls out a chair next to mine. We turn the
chairs so that we are facing each other.
Then I ask her, “So you are applying to
optometry school, right?”
“Actually, I just got into one today,” she
says, smiling.
“Congratulations. Oh my gosh! I’m so
happy for you,” I say. I have just met her but
already I am celebrating perhaps one of the
biggest moments in her life. At this point, she
knows that optometry school is within her future.
Her phone rings and she walks away
from the table. I can’t really hear what she’s
saying but I get the last part of the conversation
as she tells the caller “…I’m going to be getting
many phone-calls tonight.”
Esther is currently a senior at UCSD and
like so many in her class she is applying to
graduate school and looking to her future beyond
graduation. Currently, she is a
biochemistry major with her emphasis on cell
biology. Her minor is in healthcare with a focus
on social issues. She is a woman who has been
preparing really hard to go into the medical
profession. When I asked her how she knew this
was the career for her, she listed her
participation with projects that had a medical
focus. She has taken medical mission trips to
Mexico, Nicaragua and Costa Rica.
She has been working towards this dream for
about seven years now since tenth grade. Her
fascination with the eye has been alive for a
while. Sometimes, it is not clear if she is
fascinated with optometry in particular or the
medical field in general. Talking to her, she
made comments about researching the
medical field. When pushed to give specifics,
she talks about how she could never be a
neurosurgeon because the thought of operating
on a person’s brain did not really appeal to her.
Emergency health care is not her thing either
because she’s “not fit for the lifestyle.”
Sometimes talking to her was a bit hard
because she was not truly forthcoming on her
emotions. Her answers were very factual and
guarded. It is to be expected though,
considering I had only met her that evening.
The lifestyle of an optometrist is certainly one
that appeals to a lot of women. During this past
summer, Esther interned with a group practice
owned by a woman and two other men.
According to Esther, the woman only worked
three days a week and still seemed to be living
a comfortable lifestyle. For a generation of
women, who not only seem intent on having
careers but successful families as well, what’s
there not to like? According to Esther, in the
current optometry incoming class for UC
Berkeley, seventy-five percent are women. This
means in the class of sixty, only twelve are
men. For a woman who seems fixated on
getting married before her four years at
medical school is over, this may seem like a
disadvantage. The logic being it reduces her
chances of meeting a guy to marry in
optometry school. This disparity does not
bother Esther because she stated clearly that
she is not interested in marrying an
optometrist. If only we could all get to choose
whom we love.
As a first generation American citizen,
Esther is still not free of some of the cultural
expectations to get married. Her parents
emigrated from Taiwan to go university in the
United States. Her father has a Master’s in
Mathematics from Berkeley and practices as a
computer engineer. Although Esther’s mother
has a Bachelor’s degree (Esther did not know
her field of study) and also works as a
freelance real estate agent, her primary role is
that of home-maker. This example set by her
mother seems to be one that has influenced
her choice. Her primary focus beyond medical
school is to have a family and be there for her family.
Like her mother, she wants to have a professional
career but not one that would consume all the
attention and time from her future family. With the
intensity and steadfastness she stated her desire to
be married before she is twenty-five, I was a bit
surprised to learn that she is single without a
boyfriend. For right now, Esther is focusing on applying
to UC Berkeley School of Optometry, which is her first
choice.
This focus on education runs in the family. Esther’s
brother, David is in a graduate school. At twenty-six,
David is currently in a doctorate program at Stanford.
His field of study is engineering. It is hard to know if
these desires for high profile careers are a result of
familial pressure or just personal desires. When
asked if her parents played a part in her decision, she
replied that, “it is not important to them.” For some
reason the answer seemed very politically correct to
me instead of honest.
Portrait #2
The door to Café V (V for Ventana) is
transparent and the dinner hustle is just beginning. It
is 5.00pm and I have just descended the stairs. I am
looking all around for a face that I might perhaps
recognize. I see the girl with the back-pack coming up
behind me.
“Are you Sinmi?” she says to me.
“Hi, you must be Irene,” I say. From there, we
proceed into the hall to get dinner. Irene goes for a
turkey sandwich while I decide it is a good time for a
cut of steak.
*
We pay for the meals and walk into the crowd. Along
the side of the central seating area is a strip of tables
that look out to the parking lot. I think it is a good idea
to sit there so that we can have a conversation. Irene
sits with her back to the room. She takes large bites
from her sandwich as I try to remember the first
question I asked Esther. I wanted to keep the interview
as uniform as possible and to cover a basic set of five
questions. At the same time I wanted the conversation
to follow a natural course so that my interviewee would
feel more comfortable and be forthcoming.
Sitting across from me, she looks tired. She has just
returned from work. Irene is telling me that she applied
for a Rhodes scholarship.
She is convinced that it won’t come
through, but all the same, there is still that part of
her holding on to chance. Rhodes Scholarship is
tied to Oxford University and it is one of the most
prestigious scholarships out there. William Clinton
was a recipient and just applying for one denotes a
certain air of achievement in itself. If the
scholarship does not come through for Irene, she
is prepared to go to other schools. The problem
with applying to graduate programs is the fact
that they are not all the specific program she
wants. She already knows what her dissertation
topic would be for her doctorate thesis: the role of
religion in AIDS prevention with a focus on Africa.
• http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2008/04/14/indrya-‐nooyi-‐pepsico-‐
ceo-‐on-‐mentors-‐meritocracy-‐and-‐maternity/
“Make sure you have the right
spouse and be nice to your
family, as babysitting duties and
favors will be called in and you
need to have a good support
system”
-Indra Nooyi, CEO PepsiCO*
Currently an International Studies major, her
emphasis is on Anthropology and Sociology. Irene’s
interest in the field came about during her sophomore
year. As an orthodox Christian, she goes to church
regularly and on one such visit, she got invited to an
Ethiopian service. Reveling in the ceremonial
differences of the Ethiopian service and the American
one, she got into conversation with the African
congregation about how AIDS was changing the
continent. Thus, an interest in anthropology was born;
medical anthropology to be specific.
Irene acknowledges that some of her interest
comes from her parents. Her mother was interested
in studying archaeology as a student. Her mom never
went to college though. The only child of a Greek family,
she turned down a Fulbright Scholarship to go to
Columbia University so that she could work and
support her parents. Now, she is married to an
American with an engineering degree and working as
an administrative assistant. She says with pride “I had
high cultural capital.” She speaks like a budding
sociologist. The same “high cultural capital” must have
worked its influence on difference ways on Irene and
her sister. Her younger sister, Maria, is into theatre
and art, with no inclination what so ever to go to
graduate school. The youngest sister, a current high
school student, sees law school in her future. Yet,
there is no decrease in the amount of pride in Irene
voice when she talks about either sister. To her,
Maria’s lack of interest is good because it is her
decision. After all, they are born of parents who
have “individualistic attitudes.”
With plans to apply to Harvard University,
Washington University at St. Louis, UCSF as well
as the University of Florida, I wonder how that is
going to affect her two year relationship with her
boyfriend, Kin. Perhaps, it might have been easier
if they were both going into graduate school.
However, they are not. They are on opposite tracts
in their career. He, at 33, is completing his
doctorate program in the sociology of American
Religion. It has to be a tough decision to make
when you are putting something solid on the line.
Especially, when the boyfriend seems like a perfect
catch. Which truly modern woman in her right
mind dumps a man that tells you he is okay being
a stay-at-home dad while you work?
At twenty-one, Irene is not really ready for children,
yet. Sure, she sees marriage in their future. They
are learning to compromise. She tells me candidly
“we strategize. Whoever gets the better offer, we
follow.” Looking at her, I wonder if anyone should
have to make such a decision at a young age. As
she points out though “no matter where I end up,
I’ll find something.” She says this because she is
interested in AIDS research therefore there will
always be a place for her to work. How many
places would hire a Doctor of Philosophy in
Which truly modern woman in her right mind dumps a man that tells
you he is okay being a stay-at-home dad while you work?
Sociology of American Religion? Even, the chances
of making it into the academia are slim considering
that he has only published one paper. This worries
her a bit because she knows if he can’t get a good
job then she may have to support both of them
primarily.
As she talks about making plans, it seems
odd that such a focused twenty-one year old would
be dating a man twelve years older than she is. I ask
how they met. At first hesitant, then embarrassed,
she tells me that he was once her TA. After
discussing her passion for Africa while she was in
his class, the next quarter they started dating. She
looks straight at me and tells me that they both
consider their relationship a bit inappropriate. Love
certainly has made people do crazier things.
As we wrap up dinner, we walk back
towards the building in which we both live. I never
realized that she lived right below my apartment.
We talk about the Impact One campaign on campus
and how they could use funds more efficiently. I’m
ranting about how I don’t think bad publicity for
Africa is good. My grief with the program being that
it is spending an enormous amount of money
publicizing the fact that Africa has an AIDS crisis to
college students by handing out t-shirts and glossy
postcards. Especially, I really do not believe that
college students are politically active enough to
make a difference to the Africans. The money might
have been spent better providing direct treatments
to those suffering during this AIDS crisis. Or Impact
One could teach these students about the AIDS
crisis quietly developing in America as women are
getting infected at a higher rate than before.
Irene tells me she agrees with me that the money
could have been spent more effectively. When she
gets to her door she pauses and tells me that she
knows the current trend of taking an interest in
Africa would certainly make explaining her passion
much more difficult. Everyone might assume she
jumped on the bandwagon rather than truly learning
all the realities of the issue. It is shouldn’t be too
hard considering I never once perceived her to be a
‘know-it-all’ kind of intellectual, my extremely critical
side included. But then, this is the woman whose
face lit up when she told me about her first project
working with young women in Mexico and teaching
them about ways to avoid being infected with AIDS.
She said afterwards “it clicked.”
Portrait #3.
I have just come back from dinner with Irene
when I check my email. There is a note from Oxana
telling me she can meet tonight if I call her. I am
overjoyed as this is the only graduate student who
responded to my mass email for interviews. So, I call
her and we agree to meet in about forty minutes.
Later, she’s a little late as I sit in the cold waiting for
her at the stairwell to her apartment. Five minutes
after the anointed time, I see a leggy brunette
walking towards me.
“I’m Oxana,” she says, her drawl betraying
her European heritage.
We move to the study rooms where it is
warmer and there is no one around to bother us. I
begin by asking her about her program of study.
Oxana is currently a visiting scholar with the
International Relations/Pacific Studies (IRPS)
department as an economics student. Her
doctorate program is based in Italy and takes
anywhere from three to five years to complete. As
an undergraduate student, she first began studying
in Ukraine and got her first degree in Accounting
and Finance. She had wanted to study something in
the sciences. At the time she was going to school,
the sciences did not have a future in Ukraine,
according to her educated mother. Plus, her
mother never thought the field of study was
appropriate for a young woman. So she settled on
what she could get. However, when she moved to
Italy, the Ukrainian degree was not recognized. She
had to retake the Bachelor’s in Economics.
they call each other constantly.
We talk about how the world is adopting American
economic policies on a large scale. We talk about
America’s role in the World Wars. Her face turns
dark as she says to me “they put my people in
poverty, they put my grand-parents on bread and
water. That is why I study economics.” Perhaps that
is her motivation for studying Behavioral Economics
but the desire for an education runs in her family.
Both of her parents went to college. Her mother,
now deceased, was a specialist in programming as
an electronic engineer. Her father was also an
electronic engineer. Even, her grand-parents went
It is hard to be different because there is no heritage tying to you to something solid and older than you are. During her Italian undergraduate program, she
went to an intensive seminar for those interested in
economics and that would change her life. She
realized that she wanted to pursue advance
degrees in economics. She was going to pursue the
degrees in the United States. However, by the time
she completed her Bachelor’s in Italy, she was
married to a man, Roberto, whom she met at the
seminar. Roberto is an assistant professor in
economics. His specialty is econometrics having
studied statistics and economics as an
undergraduate and he has a doctorate in
Economics. As a compromise, for her not being able
to pursue a full degree in the United States, Oxana
opted to spend one year as a visiting scholar at
UCSD. Spending one year away from one’s husband
must be hard, I noted. She smiles and tells me that
to college but because of World War II, they were
never able to get their degrees. There is pride in her
voice as she tells me about her family’s educational
history. Her brother studied topography at a
Russian university.
It might be her mother’s experience as a female
engineer that informed her advice to her daughter.
When I told my mother that I wanted to be an
architect, she had a fit. She though I could do
almost anything else in the world but that. Well, I
was not so badly hurt, it turns out I hate physics
which is essential to architecture. Maybe, like my
mother, Oxana’s mother did not want her daughter
facing her struggles.
Her voice turns sour as she tells about how
the crash of the Ukrainian economy led to lost of
jobs for her parents. First her father, then her
Her brother never was interested in map-drawing
so he opened up a curtain business with his wife in
Russia. Her once chipper voice is dim. There is
almost a sense of embarrassment coming over her.
I note to her that in the United States,
entrepreneurship is something to be celebrated.
Besides, the fact that they all have their degrees is
something to be proud of. In Italy, a lot of the
Ukrainian immigrants come in as unskilled labor;
doing jobs that pay the least and have the lowest
social standing. When they hear that she is
Ukrainian and in the doctorate program, the Italians
get haughty with her, annoyed that she is perhaps
doing better than their children.
Soon after talking about her family’s economic
woes, she clams up and it takes a while to calm her
down. I have to thread lightly with the question so it
does seem as if I am invading her privacy. As a child,
Oxana spent her summers with her maternal
grandmother who is Russian, therefore speaks
Russian is better than the Ukrainian native
language. As an adult, she moved to Italy and is now
in the process of legally naturalizing into an Italian.
Italy for her feels more like home than anyplace else
she’s ever been. Oxana has not fully absorbed this
fact. She does acknowledge that it is the most
logical place to home, since her brother is now
Russian, her mother is dead and therefore she
has no longing for the Ukraine. Plus, her husband
is Italian.
As she becomes more open, she tells me
sometimes she does not feel as if she knows who
she is. I tell her that I have the same problem. I am
an immigrant and it is hard to be something that
my mother is not. I very much have defined myself
as my mother’s daughter my whole life. I want to
be exactly like my mother which one of the
reasons I considered architecture. I try to make
my decisions how I think my mother would choose.
All of a sudden, I am doing something she may not
understand. I tell her that we both come from
culture where we are defined by our communities,
the people that raised us, and then all of a sudden
standing as individuals, we are lost. It is hard to be
different because there is no heritage tying to you
to something solid and older than you are. I tell her
one day she would find the answers if she hasn’t
already since I am starting to find my own identity.
An identity that is an amalgamation of the things I
grew up knowing and the things I am discovering
in me and the people I meet daily.
-‐the end
Six Years Later.
When I wrote that article, I had just turned 20 the previous month. Here I was
no longer a teenager and graduating from college in a few months. It was an
amazing moment in my life when I felt like I had to make all my decisions
immediately or my life won’t make sense.
If the woman that I was then could see the woman that I am now, she would be
surprised. And I say this with happiness. I have become more relaxed about my
life since then. Like so many young women, I was at a point in my life where I
was so focused on getting my career ready for marriage and children. I was, in
effect, leaning away from the table.
All of the stress of finishing college, applying for jobs and wondering what
would happen next made for a depressing few months. Especially, when I
graduated college and still did not have a job. I was disappointed.
One of the best decisions I made during that time was not to make decisions
at all. In the year after graduation, I got the chance to live in San Diego and
work in a professional environment. I enjoyed my time working for a big
company but I realized I wanted something more for myself than what was in
front of me. I was not willing to settle for what seemed like an administrative
track job.
This many years later, I am leaning into the table. I am at a point in my life
where I realize I have to life for now. I am now actively looking for opportunities
in life that would allow me push my career to the fullest. Nothing really is off
the table for me.
One of the reasons why the Sheryl Sandberg book Lean In resonates so much
with me is because I can identify with her hypothesis. There are so many
environment factors that limit women’s progress. However, another factor is
women’s attitudes towards their career.
Not all women want to make it to C-level and that is fine. However, for those
who aim for C-level, there needs to be a rethink of the many things we do to
limit ourselves.
Sinmi