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T H E R A B E R O F F I C I A L

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( M a n u a l f o r F i r s t T i m e r s )

U p d a t e d 1 . 1 2 . 1 2 .

TABLE OF CONTENTS:1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE2. PREGAME PREPARATION3. NATIONAL ANTHEM4. GAME ETTIQUETTE5. OTHER HELPFUL INFORMATION

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C O N T R A C T

Please realize that UND Fighting Sioux Hockey is a very serious business and life commitment. After entering into a seat agreement for the night, you are legally and ethically bound to fulfill the expectations of the seat donors, whatever they may be.

Signature_________________________

Notary Public_____________________

G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E

Please make sure to obtain and study all informationpertinent to the series you are attending. This includes details such as: roster, schedule, individual statistics, hometowns,

old girlfriends, coaches, Zamboni operation, concession items, building architecture, parking lot protocol and pre-game rituals. This information may be obtained via the internet, personal interview, or by inter-library loan at your local library. At any time, please be ready for both a written and oral exam. After successful completion of the tests, you must survive a rigorous interviewing process and field testing in the arena.

ATTIRE: There are three categories of acceptable jersey

attire. Any choice is acceptable. If you don’t wear a jersey, you are fully expected to print up your own tshirt featuring snotty comments directed at the other team...make sure to do research.

★ “Current” Readily available. We encourage wearing the Fighting Sioux logo. The NCAA can go and...(insert your own ending here).

★“Throwback” The ultimate cool jersey. Save these for the best games. If you get the number and name of your favorite player on the back, you’re even cooler. Gopher fans will be jealous and try to “accidentally” spill nacho cheese on your jersey. If this happens, punch them in the throat.

★“Classic Shiny” There’s something special about the shiny Sioux jersey. Whether the new logo, or the old geometric logo, it doesn’t matter. There is a certain “nod of respect” that you garner when you wear the Sioux Shiny. Well done, my friend.

S e c t i o n 1 1 3

Row 1, Seats 5 & 6

★Know your neighbors. Not everybody likes to “head-butt” after a goal (Shelley on your right)

★We don’t know the status of the relationship of the people on our right. There seems to be several rotating combinations of husbands and wives. Don’t ask.

★There are people in the arena that have mouths like Greek Sailors. Parents be cautioned. No PG guarantee. Expect it to heat up when the Gophers come to town!

Pre-season

★ RENEW your tickets. It doesn’t matter how much it costs. Mortgage your house, sell your dogs...take on a third job, if you have to. It’s worth it.

★ PURSUE upgraded parking in advance. Although it’s still worth it, it’s best not to tire yourself out by having to walk to the Ralph from Manvel.

★ BEWARE of injuries during the hockey season. Limber up months in advance and rehearse your walk to the building in the warm summer months. You never know when your wife may slow you down by accidentally tripping on a uneven sidewalk, fall down, and violently rip her calf muscle. If this does happen, as people are continuing to file past her writhing in pain on the cold January ground, make sure you focus your attention on her and her pain rather than wistfully looking towards the soft glow of the arena instead. She will notice this and that look that made with your mouth, signifying that you just figured out you were going to miss the game. Withhold commentary on the way to the emergency room and please stay in the examination room with her instead of asking the receptionist if there are any rooms with tvs in them. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

1 Week Prior to the Game

★ DO NOT eat any game type food, lest you lose your craving for them.

★WASH and hang the appropriate jersey out of your weekly rotation...be sure to consider fabric, color and accessories. Again, if you don’t have a jersey, make sure to get a personalized tshirt printed up.

★ VISIT opponent’s website and learn roster names, planning cruel jokes to yell at the players, paying particular attention to the goal-tenders. Hire a private detective if needed.

1 dayPrior to the Game

★ Get cash and lay tickets out for the following night, being careful to leave said tickets out of “pony-dog’s” reach.

★ Attend morning practice if you are able. After players leave the ice, pretend to be part of the “Stick Salute.” Do this once for each member of the team, moving around the center circle for each.

★ Yoga and chanting recommended, but optional. Carb up.

GAME DAY

★ Arrive at The Ralph no later than 6:30pm.

★When entering the building, go directly to your seat. Don’t look at anything or take the free samples from the “smelly-sugar-nut” lady. Just go. Schnell!!!

★ Before sitting in your seats, rotate 3 times (the number of James Patrick, see addendum, 1a) and breathe on the plexi-glass. Pick what you wnt the score of the upcoming game to be and write it into the fog on the glass. Repeat 2 times. You may now be seated.

★ Now feel free to roam about the building, take care of food, beverage, sight-seeing, tauting opposing fans and other necessary items as needed.

★ Two words...foam finger. Watch this, with foam finger, to get reved up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgr6p8L4emY

★With 38 minutes remaining on the clock, you must be in your seat, awaiting the team to come out of the tunnel for warmups. Not 39. 38.

The National Anthem

★ Please be prepared to sing the National Anthem in at least three different languages (one “romantic” language required).

★ Smack any visiting fans who produce a Candadian flag. It’s not the 80’s.

★ Practice timing of yelling “Sioux” at the conclusion of teh Anthem...rehearsal recordings are available by request or may be downloaded on iTunes.

★Remove beverages from the dasher prior to the Anthem. You mustn’t place yourself in the postion for rookie mistakes. Every veteran knows that the players hurl themselves against the glass just prior to the Anthem. Let the Gopher fans sit with a lap-full of beer and popcorn while you mock them.

Food &

Beverage Tips

★ If purchasing popcorn, go to the short guy outside the 113 entrance. He gives the best butter. Avoid the red, curly-haired lady. She’s mean.

★ If you want Dippin’ Dots, better line up at 4:30.

★ In general, anything on a bun is terrible...anything on a stick is awesome!

★The pork roast at the top of 113 is pretty good, but avoid the bread.

Gamecheering

★ The Beer Song...be prepared to solo (possibly in German)

★ Fight on Sioux....again, NCAA can...

★ Sieve! (timing is crucial here...practice on family, friends and dogs)

★ Sioux-Yeah-Yeah! Yeah-Yeah-Sioux!

★ Let’s Go Sioux...LIGHT it up!

★ Thank the announcer for giving you the One Minute Warning at the ends of the periods. Cheer loudly when he says, “you’re welcome” at the end of the 3rd.

Other crucialpoints

★ Michael giggles each time he hears WDAZ’s Pat Sweeney’s name. Every time.

★ After a goal is scored, you must pound HIGH on the plexi-glass, making sure that your buttery hand prints shall not obscure your vision for the rest of the game. Pound rhythmically in accord with the Pride of the North Band, applying between 15 and 20 foot pounds of pressure evenly between palms and glass. Be sure to remove all rings prior to scoring. For this purpose, you may want to purchase an extended warranty on all wedding bands that contain diamonds, lest they fall out while cheering during a Gopher game. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

★ As alluded to earlier...Shelley, your neighbor to the right, is frightened of loud noises and, most recently, “head-butting.” Be watchful of this.

★ The school song lasts for 2 full verses. Immediatly following it, double high-five your game partner and the dude behind you with the glasses. Make sure that both hands make full palm contact or it will jinx any future goals.

★ Men only: when using the bathroom, wait in line for a urinal in TV sightlines.

★ Stay in your seats during the period breaks to support the Zamboni drivers. The one guy used to be the net mover with the turkey baster...how proud of him we are for his career advancement. Watch in stupored-awe as the Zamvonis glide efforlessly around the ice...around and around, back and forth, her it comes again, why can’t I stop this Zamboni trance?

★ Although it may not make sense to you, you still must do this: whenever someone in your immediate area mentions any member of the Lamereaux family as “Lammy,” someone in your party must immediately follow with the response, “Doodle.” There is no historial record of the origins of this, but we’re pretty sure the game will be jinxed if it’s not carried out.

★ Provide laughter and fan support to those brave souls who wait until there is a lull in the noisy arena to shout solo statements like, “hey goalllllie...you suck!” (also works with officials)

★ Finally, “Welcome to the Jungle” periodically plays to encourage the team and fans. Your reaction should be both immediate and heart-felt. Stand and look to the championship banners hanging above. Know the words, be prepared to solo, especially on air-guitar.

Lammy...?

Doodle.

Practice exams:

Please study the diagram to the right and be able to not only properly label, but also repair any of the items if needed.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:1). It is Friday Night, You are approaching the arena at about 7:15pm when someone offers to buy your tickets for $75 each. What do you do?

a). accept the money and drive home, listening on the radio. b). turn the jerk over to the authorities for scalping. c). refuse any offer lower than $100. d). none of the above.

answer: d). This was a trick question...why the heck are you arriving at 7:15? Didn’t we tell you to be in your seat no later than 6:30?

2). The official makes a blatantly obvious bad call against the sioux right in front of you...do you...

a). find out which hotel he is staying at, knock on his door, say “candy-gram,” and then beat the crap out of him? b). cause a nasty disturbance within tv camera range, resorting to obscene or childish gestures if necessary.

c). Threaten to hold your breath until he changes the call. d). wait until a very quiet moment presents itself and boldly call out “you suck, Anderson” (insert names as needed, but it’s mostly anderson, and shepherd...even if they’re not officiating in that particular game).

answer: D). All of the above.

3. There’s a screw-up in the audio department and as the Gophers take the ice at the beginning of the game, “welcome to the jungle” begins to play...what do you do?

a). exhibit good sportsmanship and stand for the opponent’s team, even the goofs. b). stand for “welcome to the jungle” but turn your back to the gopher team. c). Hold right hand over heart and sing while throwing deceased gophers onto the ice with your left hand. (freezing said rodents is optional)

d). Either b). or c).

answer: d). either answer is acceptable and applaudable behavior.

ESSAY: Briefly describe the impact of Guns & Roses “Welcome to the Jungle” upon the musical culture of Grand Forks, including both historical references and recorded musical examples to support your answer. Please cite your work using MLA style and attach your typed answer on a separate piece of pater. Due 12 hours prior to the game.

2. If you were in a truck and could only drive over one of these, which would it be?2. If you were in a truck and could only drive over one of these, which would it be?2. If you were in a truck and could only drive over one of these, which would it be?

A. B. C.

Answer: C. Clearly. Two for One!Answer: C. Clearly. Two for One!Answer: C. Clearly. Two for One!

3. Matching: please match items on the left with items on the right.

Stupid Fighting Sioux Hockey Hated Losers Gopher “Hockey” Better Bad breath

4. The biggest “poser” in college hockey recent history is:A. Don Lucia...obvious hair issuesB. Robin Anderson...for that piece of crap game you called in the WCHA semi-finals against

about 5 years ago. We will never forget. We all tried to find you after the game!C. Adam Hauser, former Gopher goalie.D. George Gwozdecky...walking across the ice in the middle of the game.

ANSWER: It’s actually hidden answer E. All of the above, plus all Gopher fans.