Preview Script

Snow White

And The

Seven Dwarfs

by

Philip Meeks

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs by Philip Meeks

Philip Meeks 2012. All Rights Reserved

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May 2014 : First Edition

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PW-0303 Rev A

i

First Produced

The premiere of this pantomime was given by the Peoples Theatre, Newcastle upon Tyne between 8th and 16th December 2012.

Characters (4m, 2f, 3m/f)

Queen Lilith - The Mistress of Mean (f)

Snow White - Liliths step daughter (f) Chuckles - The Jester (m)

Nurse Kitty - his medical mum (m)

Prince Rufus - a well heeled suitor (m)

Sidney Snarl - a horrible henchman (m)

The Spirit Of The Mirror - a magical force (a m/f voice)

The Seven Dwarfs (m/f)

Bizzy - the one in charge

Huffity - the moody one

Giddy - the daft one

Stomp - the noisy one

Hiccup - the hiccupping one Cameo roles from the Chorus

Tickles - the giggly one

Tiddler - the tiniest of them all

A chorus of palace folk, forest sprites, Irish dancing spirits, woodland animals, babes, ghouls, gagas girls, and ghosties.

Setting

The land of Goodwill.

Scenes

Prologue The Magic Mirror

Act One

Scene One The town of Goodwill

Scene Two Beyond the Town Walls

Scene Three The Queens Chambers Scene Four Beyond the Town Walls

Scene Five The Palace Garden

Scene Six Beyond the Town Walls

Scene Seven The Enchanted Forest.

Act Two

Scene One The Dwarfs Cottage

Scene Two The Queens Dastardly Dungeon Scene Three Beyond the Town Walls

Scene Four The Dwarfs Cottage

Scene Five Chuckles Glee Club Scene Six The Royal Wedding

ii

Musical Numbers

# 1 : Overture Instrumental

# 2 : Quietly Menacing Music Instrumental

# 3 : The Nicest Kids In Town (from Hairspray) Snow White & Chorus

# 4 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical) Instrumental

# 5 : Whatll I Do (TV Birds Of A Feather; Irving Berlin) Chuckles & Audience

# 6 : Entrance Music for Kitty (Big bold and brassy) Instrumental

# 7 : Fabulous Baby (Sister Act) Kitty & Girls # 8 : Naughty (from Matilda) Kitty, Chuckles, Snow White & Babes # 9 : Fanfares Instrumental

#10 : Evil Chords Instrumental

#11 : Fanfare Instrumental

#12 : Reprise, The Nicest Kids In Town (from Hairspray) Snow White & Chorus

#13 : Heigh Ho Dwarfs #14 : Im A Believer (The Monkees) Snow White & Prince Rufus.

#15 : Menacing Music Instrumental

#16 : Fanfare Instrumental

#17 : Get The Party Started (P!nk) Queen Lilith

#18 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Dreamy excitement) Instrumental

#19 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical) Instrumental

#20 : A Big-hearted Love Song Chuckles & Chorus

#21 : Evil Chords Instrumental

#22 : Short Reprise, Get The Party Started (P!nk) Queen Lilith

#23 : Attacking Music Underscore Instrumental

#24 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Wary and Quiet) Instrumental

#25 : Irish Dancing Music Instrumental

#26 : Part, If I Ruled The World (from Pickwick) Snow White & Chorus

#27 : Entracte Instrumental #28 : Whistle While You Work Snow White & Dwarfs #29 : Brief Reprises, Whistle While We Work segued with Heigh Ho Dwarfs #30 : Evil Music Instrumental

#31 : Blowsy Vamp Music Instrumental #32 : Bad Romance (Lady Gaga) Kitty, Sidney & Gaga Girls.

#33 : Part, If I Ruled The World (from Pickwick) Prince Rufus

#34 : Evil Ghoulish Music Instrumental

#35 : Evil Chords Instrumental

#36 : Snuff Out The Light (Yzmas Song by Eartha Kitt) Lilith & Ghouls #37 : Scary Chords Instrumental

#38: Ghostbusters (from the film, sung by Ray Parker, Jr) Kitty, Chuckles & Rufus #39 : Evil Magic Spell Music Instrumental

#40 : Triumphant Chords Instrumental

#41 : Fight Music Instrumental

#42 : A Heroic Fanfare Instrumental

#43 : A Bouncy GleeStyle Song Rufus, Snow White & Chorus

#44: The Song Sheet Song Kitty & Chuckles

#45 : Finale Song Company

#46 : Playout Instrumental

1

ACT ONE

Prologue - The Magic Mirror

MUSIC #1 : OVERTURE

A generic palace corridor cloth depicts the Queens Chamber. The trucked mirror is then swept on to this set from a downstage entrance. The Overture ends. Dangerous chords are heard as the diabolical Queen Lilith enters.

Lilith Welcome one and all to: Wicked Queen and the Seven Dwarfs. Thats right. This glorious little show is all about me, me, me, so youd better get used to it. If anyone even whispers the name Snow White theyll be sorry. This story is mine. Yes it is! (Business: Oh no it isnt). Silence. My name is Queen Lilith Malevola Nastasia the first, the last.

The only! Or Lil to my mates. If I had any. Stupid Snow White is my step daughter but I

treat her like a servant. Its my way of getting back at her father, King Wilberforce. When he accidentally tumbled out of that window he was supposed to leave me rich. But

his pitiful kingdom of Goodwill is stony broke. Looking this good costs! And although

Goodwill has the biggest diamond mine in the world I cant get my clutches on a single treasure. The place is protected by pesky dwarves. How I despise dwarves. Thankfully

Im not only a beautiful queen. Im an evil enchantress. Ive put a spell on the dwarfs which will mean the diamonds will, one day, belong to me. Until that time I have chosen

my next victim I mean husband. Prince Rufus of [local posh area]. Hes young, handsome and filthy rich. Of course when he takes one look at me it will be love at first

sight! (Business: audience reaction). You dont believe me? We will ask my slave. Behold my Mysterious Magical Mirror. (The mirror comes to life. The rest of the scene is underscored).

MUSIC #2 : QUIETLY MENACING MUSIC

Lilith Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Mirror, Mirror on the wall

SFX: a terrifying wail.

Mirror You spoke, oh diabolical mistress of all things dark and dastardly?

Lilith Hes/Shes such a sweetie. And now Ill prove that when young Prince Rufus arrives he wont be able to resist me Mirror, Mirror on the wall / Who is the fairest of them all?

Mirror Why you, oh Majesty of Mean / The most glittering, glamorous Wicked Queen

Lilith You see!

Mirror were the fairest until today / When another, more beautiful, got in your way.

Lilith (Furiously). What was that?

Mirror Let it all out, dont bottle your rage / Snow White pipped you at the post when she came of age.

Lilith Of course! Todays the wretched girls eighteenth birthday.

Mirror With her skin as pure as dew and her lips of ruby red / the only time youll beat her charms, is when the girl is dead.

SFX: Apply an echo to dead. Queen Lilith charges down stage into a tight green spot on her. The mirror is struck.

Lilith Snow Whites demise must be devised. Well, whats a girl to do? If Prince Rufus falls for her, my dark dreams wont come true. (She performs a spell in her anger. FX: A flash of some description). Therell be a special celebration today for Snow Whites eighteenth birthday. But she wont live to see it. Ill destroy her and her beauty. Then once again I will be the fairest of them all. (She laughs an evil laugh, and exits).

2

Scene One

The town of Goodwill.

MUSIC #3 : THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]

Snow White leads the number. Provide an underscored break for the following.

Snow White Hello everybody! Im Snow White! I live here in Goodwill with my dear step-mother and all my friends. Im eighteen today and dyou know what? I think its going to be the best birthday Ive ever had.

The number builds to a climax. After the applause, dastardly chords are heard and Sidney Snarl enters wielding a

whip.

Sidney People of Goodwill! Less of the merriment. What do you think this is? Geordie Shore?

[or TOWIE, Made In Chelsea etc]. Well any more nonsense and Ill see to it that youre all washed up, for I am Goodwills nastiest henchman. Sidney Snarl. (He cracks his whip, fails, and hurts himself).

Snow White Oh Sidney, stop being a grumpy old spoilsport.

Sidney Thats Mr Snarl to you. Im here to tell you bad news. And the worse news.

All Boo!

Sidney Taxes are going up.

All Ohh!

Sidney With the plague of dwarfs terrorising the land her Royal Rotteness, Queen Lilith has no

other choice.

All Booooh!

Sidney And today, our Majesty of Mayhem wants everyone to do their chores in record time,

including you Snow White.

Snow White We always work as hard as we can.

Sidney Well, work harder. My mistress demands it. The Monarch of Misery, Ruler of

Discontent, Diva of Devilment, great Queen of Chaos

Snow White Why does everyone always talk about my step-mother in such a nasty way? Shes as sweet as can be! (The chorus react: why cant Snow White see what a rotter Lilith really is).

Its hard being a queen. Especially when the countrysides over run with terrible dwarfs.

SFX or Voices Off: a lone Heigh Ho, followed by dwarf-like giggles. The Chorus and Sidney react by huddling together.

Sidney Fear not. Her Highness says they cant touch us if we stay within the walls of her queendom.

Snow White And even if they did, Mr Snarl would protect us. Wouldnt you?

Sidney (Weakly). Yes!

Snow White nudges one of the Chorus. They all know shes winding Sidney up.

Snow White Even if theyre as ugly and mean as my step-mother says. With two heads each, long crooked claws, and really sharp teeth that can eat you up in a gulp! (She puts her hand on his shoulder).

Sidney (Leaping away, scared). I want my mummy!

Everyone laughs. Sidney snarls.

Snow White Were only teasing.

Sidney The Queen is expecting a very special Royal Visitor.

Snow White Really? Who?

Sidney I ask no questions. All I know is she wants the town square sparkling and the whole of

Goodwill must gather at noon. Sidney Snarl has spoken. Now back to work and quick

about it! (He cracks his whip again, fails and exits).

3

Snow White I bet theres no Royal visitor. I bet my step-mothers planning a surprise party for me! She may have been too busy to remember all my other birthdays, but I said this year was

going to be special. My chum Chuckles will know whats going on. Lets go and find him.

Snow White and the Chorus exit, calling: Chuckles.

MUSIC #4 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES

Enter Chuckles, on a scooter.

Chuckles Its me boys and girls. Chuckles the jester. Ive just been to the shops. I went on my scooter all the way to the [big local shopping centre]. I went to buy some invisible ink. The

man in the shop asked me: Which colour? What a daftie, boys and girls! Then I went to the bakers to ask about a job. He said: What do you want to work in a bakery for?. I said: Because Id like to loaf around all day. Then I stopped to read the papers and theres some dead, dead exciting news in them, boys and girls. There is. In Egypt, boys and girls, they have dug up a brand new mummy. And when they took all its bandages

off they discovered it was covered in chocolate and nuts. They think its Pharoah Rochet.

They were jokes! Suit yourselves. You see, Im the jester at the Palace and I have to entertain the Queen. Its really hard making that old witch smile. Ive seen more mirth in council meetings at [name of local town] Town Hall. So sometimes when Ive run out of my jokes I sing her a little song. This is one of my favourites and Id like you all to join in with me. After I sing a line I want you all to sing: Ting! back to me. Will ya? Here we go.

MUSIC #5 : WHATLL I DO [CHUCKLES & AUDIENCE]

Chuckles queues the audience in with each Ting.

Chuckles Whatll I do? [Ting] / When you [Ting] / Are far [Ting] (He mocks shock). Boys and girls, how rude of you. How ruuuuuuude. Oh, I almost forgot. Im loaded boys and girls. You see, ever since I was bought a CD of Justin Beibers greatest hits for my birthday, my mum gives me double pocket money not to play it! So I spend it all on

sweets and this week theres far too many for me to eat. Would you lot like to share them? (Business: Throwing the sweets). Now those who got one, be generous. Have a little

suck and pass the sweeties along! We are all going to get along tonight arent we?! Tell you what. Every time I come on stage, Im gonna say: Whos Chuckles Chums? And I want you to answer back: We are, you daftie! Shall we have a practice? (Business: practice the routine). Now, come a bit closer. Now youre all my chums, I want to tell you all a couple of secrets. I was being a bit of a tinker going to the [local big shopping centre]

because that mean Lilith doesnt let us leave Goodwill. She says if we do the Dwarfs will eat us. But I dont think thats true, boys and girls. One day I want to meet a dwarf and Ill prove that the silly Queen is fibbing. My next secret makes me blush a bit. Have you lot met Snow White yet? You have? Shes beautiful isnt she? Shes my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Well, come closer. Closer than that. Not that far. Let me tell you a

thing about me and Snow White. Let me tell you a thing youd never guess in a million and one years

Kitty (Offstage, loudly). Yoo hoo!

Chuckles Knickers! Thats my mum, Nurse Kitty. Shes been feeling fruity ever since Andy Murray made it to the final [or similar national sporting victory]. Whenever she sees me

she gives me a great big sloppy kiss, so Im outta here. See you later, boys and girls. One more time: Whos chuckles chums?

Audience response as he exits.

MUSIC #6 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR KITTY

4

Kitty Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Well look at you all. What a lovely welcome. What a lovely bunch.

How splendid. Now I was sure I heard my boy, Chuckles. I wanted to give him a great

big sloppy kiss. Who wants one instead? Dont all rush! (She picks on someone in the audience). How about you? Whats your name? (Hopefully, hell tell her. For the purpose of this script, hes called Dickie). Dickie. This is Dickie, everybody. My goodness thats my favourite name. Its my husbands name, girls. Well, hes not actually my husband. In fact weve only just met. Hello Dickie. Ive just dumped my boyfriend, Dickie. Every time we canoodled he used to shout out: Junction 29. It was a very big turn off But we parted amicably. I thanked him for his services See you later, Dickie.

Now hark at me not introducing myself properly. I am Nurse Kitty, and were all going to be friends today. But just to make sure Id like everyone to turn to the person on your right and say: How do you do. (The audience does so). Marvellous! And now everybody turn to the person on your left and answer back: Mind your own business!. It costs nothing to be polite does it? You know you lot have really cheered me up. Ive not been well, you know. The Doctor suggested I tried that substitute margarine. You know the

stuff. Ive eaten six tubs in three days so I Cant Believe Im Not Better

I work at the Palace of Goodwill for Queen Lilith. Have you met her yet? Bad breeding.

No class. She makes Pepper Pig look like Pippa Middleton. Im her private nurse and Lady in Waiting. And I can tell you one thing for nothing. Ive been waiting a very long time.

I was married once of course. Now Im a widow. (Business: Aaah). Its sadder than that (Business: Ahhh). My husband died after falling down a wishing well. Who knew they

worked. But I do enjoy living here at Goodwill Castle because Im with my cheeky son Chuckles, the royal jester, and the lovely Snow White. And of course I know my waiting

days wont be forever. I mean, look at me. Not bad for an old bird. In fact, Im fabulous.

MUSIC #7 : FABULOUS BABY [KITTY & GIRLS]

Kitty See you later boys and girls. Toodle-oo, Dickie.

Kitty and the Girls exit. Enter Chuckles.

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums? (Business).Now where were we before we were rudely interrupted? (Snow White enters upstage). Snow White! (She walks slowly down to chuckles

during the following). You see, boys and girls, I think I love her a little bit. Who am I

trying to kid??? I love her loads. I want her to be my girlfriend. But Im too shy to tell her. She makes my heart go boom-diddy, boom-diddy boom. And shes behind me isnt she? Hello, Snow White.

Snow White What are you too shy to tell me?

Chuckles Nothing... I was just practising for your birthday surprise.

Snow White You remembered.

Chuckles Of course.

Snow White And whats the surprise? I love surprises!

Chuckles I havent decided yet. I thought I might tell you my favourite joke? What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods?

Snow White I dont know?

Chuckles (Presenting his empty hand). Camambert! Doh! Thats that surprise ruined. Ive another one, Ive another one. Whats green and invisible?

Snow White Havent a clue

Chuckles This cabbage. (He opens his empty hand). Ive done it again! Ill do you a magic trick instead! (He goes to the wings and is handed a paper bag). Im going to blow this bag up, pop it, and make a pigeon appear.

Snow White Really?

5

Chuckles Watch! (He blows, and pops. The bag bursts and theres feathers everywhere). Oh no! I

always clap too hard.

Snow White You do make me laugh, Chuckles.

Chuckles Do I?

Snow White Youre hilarious.

Chuckles Try telling this lot that! Ive got something to say to you, Snow White.

Snow White Yes?

Chuckles (Getting all giddy). Come on knees dont go wibbly-wobbly on me now! I Loooo I Leeeer (He cant say love).

Kitty (Entering). Yoo hoo!

Chuckles Oh bum!

Kitty My two babies together.

Snow White Hello, Nurse Kitty

Kitty (To Dickie). Missed me, Dickie? (To Chuckles). Come here cheeky chops. Time for a

sloppy kiss.

Chuckles Gerroff.

Kitty Doesnt your yummy mummy even get a hug?

Chuckles Yuk, yuk and double yuk.

Kitty Watch it buster. Ive got a face that could launch a thousand ships.

Chuckles More like a face that could fit a thousand chips.

Snow White Dont be cheeky, Chuckles.

Chuckles Its what I do best.

Kitty We may have our little jokes with each other, boys and girls, but we love each other

really.

Chuckles We certainly do.

Snow White Were a very happy family. Me, you two, and dear Lilith.

Kitty Dont mention her name to me

Snow White Youre always mean about my stepmum.

Kitty Youve heard of the Glasgow Kiss? Id like to give her a Heaton Hug [replace with a suitable local equivalent].

Snow White Shes hardworking, glamorous

Chuckles Shes like a Hollywood star SHREK!

Snow White Its not easy being a Queen.

Chuckles It is for her. She never lifts a finger. You do all the chores and youre meant to be a Princess.

Snow White I dont mind.

Kitty Youre a very good girl, but I think its high time you rebelled.

Chuckles Its great fun being naughty!

Enter the Babes.

MUSIC : #8 NAUGHTY [KITTY, CHUCKLES, SNOW WHITE & BABES]

At the end of the number all exit, except Snow White, who makes to exit, but is stopped by a fanfare.

MUSIC #9A : FANFARE

Prince Rufus enters.

Rufus Excuse me? Servant girl?

Snow White Are you speaking to me?

Rufus Yes! You need to call after all those people. Let them know Ive arrived. Im used to my own citizens thronging the streets to welcome me.

Snow White And who do you think you are?

Rufus I am Crown Prince Rufus of the incredibly wealthy kingdom of [local posh area].

6

MUSIC #9B : FANFARE

Snow White So what?

Rufus Youre not impressed?

Snow White Of a pompous stuffed shirt like you?

Rufus Nobodys ever spoken to me like that before. But Ill forgive you. Because youve got a wonderful smile.

Snow White I cant imagine therell be anything of interest for you in Goodwill.

Rufus Errr. I have an appointment. With Great Queen Lilith, but Im early. And Im lost.

Snow White I can direct you to her chambers.

Rufus You can?

Snow White I may only be a servant girl but Im not stupid!

Rufus I didnt mean

Snow White Go out of the town square and walk about a mile North.

Rufus Thank you. And Ill see you again?

Snow White Not if I see you first.

Rufus Funny as well as beautiful.

Snow White You cant keep the Queen waiting. On your way. (Exit Rufus, obviously besotted by Snow White). Thatll teach him for being full of himself. Ive sent him on a wild goose chase.

MUSIC #10 : EVIL CHORDS

Snow White My step mothers coming. I better get on with my chores. If she is going to throw me a party I dont want her to change her mind.

Exit Snow White, as Lilith enters.

Lilith Have you been bored without me, snivellings? Oh, shut your faces or Ill transport you all to [nearest seaside resort] without your underwear! Now, to once again consult my

mercurial mirror. (She produces a hand mirror with the Apple logo on the back). My mobile!

(Beat). Mirror, Mirror in my hand / Whos the fairest in the land.

Mirror That honour still belongs to your step daughter / Youd better be quick if youre planning to thwart her.

Lilith Just checking! Now to start putting my plans in action. (Calling). Sidney! You quivering

heap of oozing nastiness.

Sidney (Entering). Youre too kind

Lilith WHAT - WAS - THAT?

Sidney Oops! I mean ghastly. Completely ghastly.

Lilith Better. Now, any sign of Prince Rufus?

Sidney No, your unpleasantness.

Lilith Whatever happens, he must not set eyes on Snow White.

Sidney He must not set eyes on Snow White.

Lilith Thats correct, dimwit. Now dont just stand there grovelling. Summon the rancid hoards.

Sidney People of Goodwill. Queen Lilith has graced us with her presence.

MUSIC #11 : FANFARE

Enter Snow White, Kitty and the Chorus. Lilith is centre stage.

Snow White This is it, Kitty. Shes going to announce my birthday party.

Kitty Dont build your hopes up dear.

Sidney Prepare for a proclamation from our mighty ruler.

Chuckles (Entering). Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Ive just had a little snooze and when I woke up I thought I was Donald Duck. Then I thought I was Goofy. Then I thought I was

Mickey Mouse. I was having one of my Disney spells.

7

Sidney (Approaching Chuckles). Youre one step away from an idiot. (Chuckles takes one step away).

Lilith Silence. We are prepared to speak.

Chuckles She always uses the royal we, doesnt she, mum?

Kitty Yes. And she never flushes it.

Lilith As you know, due to the curse of the seven dwarfs, times are hard.

Kitty Tell me about it. Third entrance. Same frock.

Lilith But weve decided we need some festivity to brighten our days. Step forward, Snow White, (she struggles to spit the kind words out), my dear delightful step daughter.

Snow White Gracious Queen. (She steps forward and curtsies).

Lilith Oh, go on. Use the M-word. You know you want to.

Snow White Mummy?

Lilith (Wincing). Thats the one. Because today is your special birthday I am declaring it a national holiday. I am holding a party this afternoon and youre all invited.

Chorus Hurrah!

Kitty Well I never. Theresa Mays come up trumps. Ill have to prepare a party tea. Well have sandwiches and crisps and lots of those pink wrinkly things on sticks.

Chuckles Sausages?

Kitty No. Pensioners. (She exits).

Snow White Thank you so much, mum. Im so grateful.

They make an awkward attempt at a kiss.

Lilith Lets not get too carried away dear. Sidney, assist me. I need a long lie down in a very dark room.

Sidney Her Majesty has spoken.

Lilith and Sidney exit.

Snow White I was right. My step mother didnt forget my birthday. This is the happiest day of my life.

MUSIC # 12 : REPRISE, THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]

The song is interrupted by loud Heigh Hos. Snow White and the chorus exit in panic shouting Dwarfs, dwarfs etc. Chuckles walks into

Scene Two

Beyond the Town Walls. The beginning of the scene is underscored with Heigh Ho until the Dwarfs appear and begin to sing.

MUSIC # 13A : HEIGH HO [UNDERSCORE]

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Good. Im going to need all the chums I can get. This is my chance to meet the dwarfs, boys and girls. (The Heigh Hos get louder).

Although to be honest, now that theyre really close, I am a little bit scared.

Bizzy, the head dwarf, appears in the auditorium.

Bizzy Forward march, men. Time for tea!

The other dwarfs march through the audience and join him on stage.

MUSIC # 13B : HEIGH HO [DWARFS]

The Dwarfs sing as they march through the auditorium and onto the stage. Chuckles hides and watches.

Chuckles Look, boys and girls! This lot arent scary at all !

The Dwarfs see him, and huddle together, scared.

Bizzy A big bad human.

8

Other Dwarfs Humanhumanhuman.

Chuckles Im a little boy. Im Chuckles!

Huffity Hes been sent by the Wicked Queen.

Chuckles No I havent. Im here on my own because Im brave. I want to be your friend; thats all.

Huffity Humans arent friends of the seven dwarfs.

Bizzy Huffity! Well have an emergency meeting. (The dwarfs go into a scrum). Weve decided.

All Dwarfs We can trust you.

Chuckles Wooo Hooo! I love the dwarfs, boys and girls; dont you?

Bizzy Lets introduce ourselves, men! My name is Bizzy. Im the boss.

Huffity Im Huffity. The sensible one. (The other Dwarfs moan). Someones got to be!

Giddy Im Giddy. Im a little bit silly.

Stomp Im Stomp. I like making a noise.

Hiccups Im (Hiccup). Im (Hiccup). Im (Hiccup).

Bizzy Hes Hiccups, and hes always lost for words.

Tickle Im Tickle. I like to make people laugh.

The tiniest one of all steps forward.

Bizzy And this is Tiddler.

Chuckles Tiddler! Hes a tiny little nipper!

Tiddler (SFX: he speaks in a deep recorded male voice). How dare you!

Chuckles Sorry. But you all look like children.

Bizzy Because of wicked Queen Lilith. Shes cursed us. Were getting younger every day.

Huffity Soon well be tiny, tiny, babies!

The dwarfs shake their heads sorrowfully.

Chuckles Why would lousy Lilith want to be so cruel to you?

Tiddler (SFX: recorded voice). Because when we become babies she can steal all our diamonds.

Bizzy Then shell be rich.

Huffity And her evil will know no bounds.

Chuckles What can I do to stop the witchs curse?

Bizzy If we are kind, her powers grow weaker, and ours grow stronger.

Huffity Thats why she tells everyone were monsters. So theres no one for us to help.

Chuckles You poor things. Ill help you. Can I, Can I, Can I?

Bizzy Take this. (He produces a whistle from round his neck). Its a magic whistle. If you need us, call us. (Chuckles blows the whistle. SFX: a comical sound is heard). We will come to your

rescue whenever you or your friends are in trouble.

Chuckles Is there anything else I need to do?

Bizzy You will know what to do when the time is right. Farewell, Chuckles.

MUSIC # 13C : REPRISE, HEIGH HO [DWARFS]

The dwarfs march off.

Chuckles Arent they amazing, boys and girls? When I grow up I want to be a dwarf.

Snow White (Entering). What are you doing this far out of town Chuckles?

Chuckles (Speaking quickly). Ive met the dwarfs. And theyre kind. And your stepmums a witch

Snow White Silly Chuckles.

Chuckles No ones gonna believe me, boys and girls.

Snow White Have you thought of my birthday surprise yet?

Chuckles Im working on another trick. I bet you 50p that I can kiss you without touching you.

Snow White How can you do that?

Chuckles Close your eyes and youll find out.

She does so, and he kisses her on the cheek.

9

Snow White But you did touch me, Chuckles.

Chuckles I know and heres your 50p it was worth it. See ya later, everyone. (He exits).

Snow White laughs as Rufus enters.

Rufus You again!

Snow White I thought Id better catch you up. I sent you the wrong way. Then I felt guilty about it.

Rufus I deserved to be taught a lesson. But Im not really full of myself. Promise.

Snow White I believe you.

Rufus I dont even know your name.

Snow White Snow White.

Rufus Princess Snow White?

Snow White Yes. Though I dont get called that very often.

Rufus But Queen Lilith writes in her Royal edicts that you live in another kingdom far, far

away.

Snow White The poor dear. She gets confused. A lot on her mind.

Rufus I nearly didnt come to Goodwill at all. I figured thered be nothing here worth making the journey for. Ive never been as wrong about anything in my life.

MUSIC #14 : IM A BELIEVER [SNOW WHITE & PRINCE RUFUS]

Scene Three

The Queens Chambers. The full size mirror sweeps on as Lilith enters.

Lilith Mirror, Mirror, say a prayer for the cursed / When discussing pure evil who is the worst?

Mirror When it comes to nasty deeds youre no fool / You get a double gold star for being so cruel.

The Mirror cackles. Lilith joins in.

Lilith There! Im still top of the class at something! What would I do without you, Mirror? You may have the odd chip and your gold frames tarnished You could say youve got a guilt complex! But youre precious to me Now, wheres my useless henchman. Sidneeeeey.

The mirror goes dark as Sidney enters.

Sidney You screeched, oh vile one.

Lilith The time has come, faithful henchman, to give you your deadly instructions.

MUSIC #15A : MENACING MUSIC, ANTICIPATION

The music underscores.

Lilith As my Queendom celebrates, no one will miss the guest of honour. Snow White will be

preparing to meet her fate. You will take her far from Goodwill to a secluded glade deep

in the enchanted woods.

Sidney But what about the d-d-d-dwarfs?

Lilith If you dont do as I ask they will be the least of your problems. Let Snow White take in the scenery. Let her feel a breeze on her fair skin. Let her enjoy a few simple pleasures,

for they will be her last. Show no mercy as you kill her with your sharpest hunting knife.

MUSIC #15B : MENACING MUSIC, EVIL CHORDS

Lilith reveals a casket. She holds it in her clutches.

Lilith To prove to me that youve completed your task, take this casket. Bring me back her heart.

MUSIC #15C : MENACING MUSIC, BIG EVIL CHORDS

Sidney Yes, your majesty. (He exits with the casket).

10

Lilith And then, without doubt, Queen Lilith will once again be the fairest of them all. (She cackles evilly).

Enter Rufus, catching Lilith at her most maniacal. She sees him and freezes.

Rufus Sorry. Am I interrupting something?

Lilith (Recovering quickly). No, no A little family situation. Kids! Whod have em? Not me well, not for long.

Rufus I am Crown Prince Rufus of [local posh area].

MUSIC #16 : FANFARE

Rufus I accepted your invitation, Your Majesty, unaware at the time the question of marriage

would arise during my visit.

Lilith Foolish boy. My beauty is legendary. You should have known that with one glance

youd be smitten.

Rufus Well actually

Lilith Go on. Soak me in. You wont find totty like this up the [local downmarket main road].

Rufus Queen Lilith! It isnt you I want to marry. Its your step-daughter, Snow White.

Lilith Her!?! Shes minging! And she doesnt even live here

Rufus Weve met twice today already.

Lilith And she drinks

Rufus Im confident she feels the same way about me.

Lilith OK, lover boy. Ive heard enough. Youve had the chance to play nicely.

She casts a spell. A couple of ghouls enter and take hold of Rufus.

Rufus So its true what they say. You are a witch.

Lilith Too late, sweet cheeks. Flattery wont work for you now.

MUSIC #17 : GET THE PARTY STARTED [QUEEN LILITH]

Scene Four

Beyond the Town Walls. The following routine requires several Whiffenpoofs. They only need to bear a passing

resemblance to each other as long as they are all the same vibrant colour (pink or orange is best). The

Whiffenpoofs used are

One glove puppet. (#1)

Two feather boas attached one each to a flat either side of the pros arch with invisible wire. (#2 runs upwards on one side, #3 runs downwards on the other side).They are worked simply from behind.

Two feather boas attached to tennis balls to be thrown across the stage. (#4 and #5)

One feather boa on a wire to be hooked to Chuckles trousers. (#7)

One feather boa concealed in Kittys costume. (#8)

One full costume in the same colour to be worn by a member of the chorus.(#9)

Kitty enters with a picnic hamper which is placed down stage left near one of the downstage entrances.

Kitty Hello girls. What a day Im having. I was looking out of my window earlier and there was a man stealing my garden gate. I let him have it in the end. Well, I didnt want him to take offence. Like the frock, Dickie? I call it my credit crunch dress. The fabrics so skimpy every time I wear it I freeze my assets.

Chuckles (Entering). Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Mum, mum I met the dwarfs.

Kitty Bless him, boys and girls. His mind wanders. And its not strong enough to be out on its own.

Chuckles What have you got there?

Kitty Its some of the food for Snow Whites party. Get your mitts off.

Chuckles Can I just have a tiny little look.

Kitty Go on then.

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Chuckles (Opening the hamper). Look at all this grub! Theres cream cakes.

Kitty Cream cakes.

Chuckles Pork pies!

Kitty Pork pies.

Chuckles Pease Pudding hot!

Kitty Pease Pudding cold.

Chuckles And sandwiches stuffed with savaloys!

Kitty I love sandwiches stuffed with savaloys! Trying saying that with second hand teeth,

Dickie. See what youve done, Chuckles. Youve got my tummy rumbling. I cant wait for the party now.

Chuckles Mines rumbling too. In fact Im going to pinch a sandwich.

Kitty He cant do that, can he, boys and girls?

Audience Nooo!

Chuckles Oh yes I can! (Business: Oh no you cant etc). Spoilsports.

Kitty Pass me a big bottle of Belgian beer from the hamper. I need to whet my whistle.

Chuckles She cant pinch any beer, can she, boys and girls.

Audience Nooo!

Kitty Oh yes I can. (Business: Oh no you cant etc) . Spoilsports. (She and Chuckles join each

other, stage centre). Lets be tinkers, Chuckles, and pinch a sandwich and bottle of beer each. No one will notice.

Unseen by Kitty and Chuckles, Whiffenpoof #1 (the glove puppet) has appeared and is on the hamper. The

audience will shout. Chuckles sees the Whiffenpoof as it vanishes.

Chuckles Mum, mum!

Kitty Dont Mum, mum me! Wheres my beer?

Chuckles There was something in the hamper.

Kitty Theres nothing in the hamper. Hes such a fibber, boys and girls.

Whiffenpoof #1 appears again.

Chuckles Mum, mum!

Kitty (Seeing it this time). Chuckles, Chuckles, my lovely lad do you know what that was?

Chuckles No

Kitty It was a Whiffenpoof!

Chuckles A Whiffen what?

Kitty A Whiffen Poof and you dont find many of them round these parts nowadays, do you, Dickie? Whiffenpoofs are terrible beasties and if we dont sort it out therell be no food left for the party. Youll have to be a brave lad. (She goes to the hamper and gets out a frying pan).

Chuckles This is going to be like our very own bush tucker trial, boys and girls.

Kitty Boys and girls, if the Whiffenpoof comes back, will you let us know?

Chuckles Will you?

Whiffenpoof #2 goes up the pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles rush to try and get it.

Kitty Its getting away!

Chuckles Where is it, boys and girls?

Whiffenpoof #3 comes down the other pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles miss it again.

Chuckles Mum its there! (He looks offstage and Whiffenpoof #4 attached to a tennis ball is thrown across the stage).

Kitty Its coming back (Whiffenpoof #5 is thrown across the stage from the opposite side). Its in the hamper.

Chuckles goes to the hamper and hooks Whiffenpoof #6 onto his trousers, and runs around.

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Chuckles Mum!!!! (He runs off).

Kitty My little boy! (She manipulates Whiffenpoof #7 so it looks like its coming out of her frock).

Eeeee, boys and girls Its in me knickers, Dickie well, it would be if I was wearing any!

Exit Kitty. Enter Chuckles.

Chuckles Dont worry, boys and girls. Were safe. The Whiffenpoof has gone!

A chorus member enters dressed as Whiffenpoof #8 with a huge frying pan and starts to creep up behind Chuckles.

(Business: Behind you etc). The Whiffenpoof chases Chuckles offstage.

Scene Five

The palace. This set should be full stage. It will double as the Finale.

MUSIC # 18 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE

Snow White (Entering). Hello everybody. You can come out now. Im here. (Lilith enters with Sidney lurking behind her). Step mother?

Lilith Look at you. My little girl. All grown up.

Snow White Wheres everyone else?

Lilith I wanted to spend some quality time with you on my own, child.

Snow White Thats nice. Oh. Almost forgot! Ive invited someone else to the party. Hope thats OK? Its a Prince. And I think I might be in love with him.

Lilith (Through gritted teeth). We can talk about love later. First, your gift. Alas the palace piggy

bank is empty but I have a treat for you. Ive instructed Sidney to take you somewhere special.

Sidney A trip to the woods to pick wild strawberries for your birthday tea.

Snow White The woods! Ive never been that far outside of Goodwill.

Lilith Well hurry, dear. Sidney will protect you from the dwarfs. Make sure you get back in no

time.

Sidney Safe and sound.

Lilith and Sidney laugh.

Snow White Thank you step-mother. Thank you for everything. (She exits).

Sidney Ill return, oh putrid one, when the terrible task has been completed. (He exits).

Lilith (Thinking). No. Not even a pang. Snow White is despatched. Let the party commence. (She exits).

MUSIC #19 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES & CHORUS

Enter Chuckles, followed by the Chorus.

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums! (Business). Ive decided what my surprise for Snow White is. Im gonna sing her a song. And then Im going to tell her what I really feel about her.

MUSIC #20 : A BIG-HEARTED LOVE SONG [CHUCKLES & CHORUS]

At the end of the number a couple of chorus members exit for a quick change into ghouls.

Chuckles Happy birthday, Snow White. I love you. There. I said it, I said it, I said it. I looooove

yooooooo!

Kitty has entered.

Kitty I hope that last number wasnt too painful ladies and gentlemen. We couldnt afford [latest heart-throb solo male singer]. (To Chuckles). Now look, bubble brains Have you noticed someones missing?

Beat.

Both Wheres Snow White?

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MUSIC #21 : EVIL CHORDS

Enter Lilith, sporting sun glasses and mock distress.

Lilith I have very bad news.

Kitty Theyve reinstated the pastie tax!

Lilith Snow White has gone. (There is general consternation). She left me a note: Dear mummykins. Im out of here. How ungrateful. But I forgive her.

Chuckles Is she fibbing, boys and girls?

Audience Yes, she is.

Lilith Oh, no Im not! (Business).

Kitty Listen petal. If youve done anything to my Snow White, youll be for it.

Chuckles You tell her, mum.

Kitty Ive not been this vexed since [insert any topical gag].

Lilith Silence! Dear Kitty. Dear Chuckles. I can understand your disappointment. Snow White

has let us all down. You have been loyal, loving, servants. And I cant thank you enough for all youve done. So now. Youre fired. (The ghouls enter and throw bags or soft cases at Kitty and Chuckles). Without Snow White, I have no use for you. So youre banished from Goodwill.

Kitty You managed to fit all my smalls into this tiny case?

Chuckles Smalls? On washing days you can see her bloomers with Google Earth!

Lilith And as for the rest of you, theres been a change of plan. This is now my engagement party. Bring forth my intended: Prince Rufus of [local posh area].

The ghouls drag Rufus on in chains.

Rufus Ill never marry you. Never.

Lilith Foolish boy, you have no choice. Ill make the thunder crack and the lightning flash. I am all powerful and unstoppable. This time tomorrow, well be man and wife.

Lilith casts her spell. As the music starts, lights flash and thunder sounds. Lilith cackles.

MUSIC #22 : SHORT REPRISE, GET THE PARTY STARTED [LILITH]

During the music the Chorus run for cover. Kitty and Chuckles walk into the next scene.

Scene Six

Near the woods.

Kitty I feel faint. I need a brandy.

Chuckles We havent got any, Mum.

Kitty No brandy, no faint. Ive not been this upset since I was thrown off How To Look Good Naked. Who does Lilith think she is? Marrying a handsome prince? Shes only ever been beautiful the once, when she tried that mudpack. She looked fantastic for a

fortnight. Then the mud fell off.

Chuckles Its time for me to blow my magic whistle.

Kitty Not in front of the boys and girls. Youre like Jedward rolled into one. Were jobless, homeless, Snow Whiteless, and all you can do is

Chuckles blows his whistle. Bizzy and Huffity appear.

Bizzy You called for us, Chuckles?

Kitty Look. Ant and Decs dress sense has improved.

Chuckles Theyre dwarfs.

Kitty They are a little bit shorter in the flesh Aaaagh! Dwarfs! My days complete. Aaagh!

Chuckles Keep your wig on, Mum

Kitty My hairs natural!

Chuckles The dwarfs are on our side and with my help theyre going to save the day.

14

Kitty And my names Cheryl Cole

Chuckles (To Bizzy). My pal Snow Whites in bother. Help her please!

Bizzy We will take her deep into the enchanted forest to stay with us. She will be safe.

Huffity Now go with your mother and hide. But be careful. The forest sprites are in the mood for

dancing. Their powers can do strange things.

Kitty In for a penny, in for a pound.

Exit Chuckles and Kitty.

Bizzy Weve got work to do, dwarfs!

Bizzy and Huffity exit. Sidney, with casket, enters, followed by Snow White.

Snow White Weve passed loads of wild strawberries, Sidney.

Sidney There are far juicier ones beyond this glade.

Snow White Were going to be late back. Ill miss the party.

Sidney Then I suppose here will have to be the perfect spot.

During the following line, Sidney takes out his knife and prepares to strike.

Snow White Good because I need to rest. Its so lovely here. And Ive really enjoyed seeing the woodland animals along the way. And all the trees and plants and flowers (Heigh Ho is heard offstage. She turns to see Sidney poised to swing down his knife). What are you doing?

Sidney Queen Liliths will, must be done.

MUSIC #23 : ATTACKING MUSIC UNDERSCORE

Snow White No!

Sidney swipes and misses. Two dwarfs enter.

Sidney Dwarfs! No. No. Save me!

They chase him off. Bizzy enters and grabs Snow White.

Bizzy Youre safe Snow White, but only if you come with us.

The music builds as Snow White and Bizzy exit.

Scene Seven

The Enchanted Forest. This set should be as full stage as possible. A cut out of the Dwarfs cottage exterior at the back is at this point hidden by cut outs of trees and foliage.

MUSIC #24 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE

Snow White enters, lost and afraid. The music stops.

Snow White (Singing acapella). If I ruled the world / Every day would be the first day of spring etc.

Enter the Dwarfs.

Huffity Quickly, Snow White. The forest sprites are about to make mischief.

They whisk Snow White off as Sidney enters.

Sidney Lost! Im hopelessly lost. I want my mummy!

MUSIC #25 : IRISH DANCING MUSIC

A few Irish dancers appear. They surround Sidney. As they dance round him, he joins in.

Sidney Whats happening to me?

Sidney and the dancers, dance off. Chuckles dances on with more Irish dancers.

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums! (Business). Look at me, boys and girls. Away with the fairies. The story of my life.

Chuckles and the dancers, dance off. Kitty enters surrounded by dancers. She goes to the front of stage.

15

Kitty Even attempt to glimpse up my skirt during this Dickie and Ill launch myself at you.

A river dance sequence begins which should/could include Kitty, Chuckles and Sidney. At the end, Kitty, Chuckles and Sidney dance off as the Irish dancers give an encore. The dwarfs then enter with Snow White.

MUSIC #26 : PART, IF I RULED THE WORLD [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]

She sings the final verse of the song and the Irish dancers move to reveal the Dwarfs Cottage cut out at the back of

the stage. SFX: the following is pre recorded.

Dwarfs (Recording). Youll be safe with us Snow White, and out of harms way. Here in our magical cottage in the enchanted woods!

As the curtain falls, Snow White holds out her hands. The Dwarfs take them and framed by the Irish dancers, they

turn towards the cottage. All will be well.

END OF ACT ONE

INTERVAL

16

MUSIC #27 : ENTRACTE

ACT TWO

Scene One

The Dwarfs Cottage in the Enchanted Forest. Snow White is discovered with the Dwarfs getting ready to do some house work.

Snow White This cottage is in a terrible mess.

Bizzy Thats because were all boys!

Snow White Thats no excuse, Bizzy. Its time for some spring cleaning. But I know a way of making chores really fun.

MUSIC #28 : WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK [SNOW WHITE & DWARFS]

Snow White Come along you lot. Its time to get ready for work. (She kisses Bizzy, who is suddenly shy. The other Dwarfs line up for their kiss and then go to get ready for work. Chuckles has entered

and is on his knees behind Tiddler. He shushes the audience as he steals a kiss from Snow

White). Chuckles!

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums? (Business).

Snow White Im so pleased to see you.

Chuckles I bet you are. I saved the day!

Snow White I know. And I still cant believe my step mother pretended the dwarfs were monsters and told Sidney to harm me. She was a baddie all along!

Chuckles Whod have believed it!

Snow White What are we going to do about her?

Chuckles Leave that to my Mum and me. Well fix things. You stay here with the Dwarfs until its safe to come back home.

Snow White But Im worried. Theres someone at the palace I care about a great deal.

Chuckles (Thinking Snow White is talking about him). There is?

Snow White And Im worried hell be in terrible danger.

Chuckles Hell be brave enough to handle it.

Snow White You see I think I might love him.

Chuckles You do? You really do?

Snow White But my step mother may already have but a terrible spell on him.

Chuckles She hasnt!

Snow White Its odd feeling this way.

Chuckles Its wonderful!

Snow White You see I only met him yesterday.

Chuckles (Instantly deflated). So youre not talking about me?

Snow White No. Of course not. I mean Prince Rufus.

Chuckles Oh. But I love you, Snow White.

Snow White I love you too, Chuckles. Youre my best friend.

Chuckles I see. Well I suppose thats better than nothing. Ill be on my way. Off to save the day again. (He starts to exit sorrowfully, egging the audience on to awwww him).

Snow White Have I upset you?

Chuckles No. Ill be fine. (He exits to more awwwws. Then he dashes back on and gives Snow White a kiss. All is forgiven). And youre not getting 50p for that one. (He exits).

A bell sounds. Bizzy enters.

Bizzy Its time for us to get to the diamond mine. Dont answer the door to any strangers whilst were away.

Snow White I promise.

17

Bizzy Are we ready, Dwarfs?

The Dwarfs enter with their work gear.

Dwarfs Were ready.

Bizzy Its off to work we go.

MUSIC #29 : BRIEF REPRISES, WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK SEGUED WITH HEIGH HO [DWARFS]

The music plays as the Dwarfs leave.

Scene Two

The queens dastardly dungeon.

MUSIC #30 : EVIL MUSIC

Some Ghouls enter, moaning, and set a cauldron as Lilith appears laughing malevolently. Shes clasping the casket. SFX: heart beat. She cackles. This is the wicked Queen at her wickedest yet.

Lilith All that remains of Snow White. Her sweet heart, which Ill soon feed to my pet crows. Now for the moment Ive been waiting for. (The mirror sweeps on). Mirror, Mirror make your proclamation / Say Im the loveliest across the nation

Mirror Great Queen of Fear they foiled what you planned / Snow White lives on as the fairest in

the land.

Lilith Aaaaagh. How!? I have her tiny heart here in my clutches.

Mirror Sidney was scared by the Dwarfs, off to dig / Instead he brought you the heart of a pig.

Lilith The idiot! Where is she? Tell me, Mirror, or Ill break you to smithereens, where is that wretch?

Mirror Befriended by the Dwarfs who followed a magic call / Safe within their cottage hides the

fairest of them all.

Lilith So not only is Snow White alive but the pesky Dwarfs have shown kindness to a human.

Their power will now be stronger. (Beat). Sidney!

The mirror sweeps off as Sidney enters, quaking.

Sidney Oh, angry one, I appear before you a quivering heap

Lilith causes a magic flash. Sidney spasms in pain.

Lilith You have failed me for the very last time.

Sidney Im sorry, Im sorry

Lilith Ill accept no excuses.

Sidney Im unworthy of your venom.

Lilith Its true what they say, ladies. If a jobs worth doing I need to spend a while cogitating. I must select a spell, guaranteed to rid me of my nemesis once and for all.

Sidney Yes, Grande Dame of Doom and Gloom.

Lilith Guard the Castle of Goodwill. Make sure no one enters. Curse you, Snow White. Even

saying her name makes me sick. Snooooow White SNOW WHITE! Give me Fifty Shades of Grey any day. (She exits).

Sidney I wont let your loathsome ladyship down. I must guard the chambers. Nothing will distract me from my mission. Nothing. The most ravishing woman in Goodwill could

enter stage right this very instant and Id carry on with my task undaunted.

Kitty (Offstage). Oh, Mr Snarl.

MUSIC #31 : BLOWSY VAMP MUSIC

Kitty enters dressed like Lady Gaga. She must wear a head dress or wig which must include a phone that can be

answered during the next song.

Kitty What do you think girls? Chuckles always says Im a little bit Gaga.

Sidney Who goes there?

18

Kitty Men call me diva, women call me devil, the police call me daily.

Sidney A strange alluring maiden.

Kitty Ive been known to have my moments. Ive seen it all, done it all. Cant remember most of it.

Sidney You are fascinating.

Kitty I most certainly am. And Im sorry if Im a little late but I stopped off at the Corner House for a tipple. I asked for a Double Entendre. So the barman gave me one. Now Who are you, my tall dark dishy stranger?

Sidney Sidney Snarl. The Queens right hand man. When I was younger I was second to none, well groomed and handsome.

Kitty Now look at you. Youre second-hand, not too well, and gruesome.

Sidney Strange lady, when was the last time you made love?

Kitty 1945.

Sidney That long ago?

Kitty Its only 20.00 now.

Sidney You devastating damsel. You are one hundred percent woman.

Kitty I wont spoil the surprise girls.

Sidney I may be revolting through and through, but I yearn for romance.

Kitty Im in girls Dickie, Dickie love Youre dumped. If I had a romance with you, Mr Sidney, it would be very bad indeed.

Dancers enter as Gaga girls.

MUSIC #32 : BAD ROMANCE [KITTY, SIDNEY & GAGA GIRLS]

In the middle of the number, SFX: a phone rings. The music stops as Kitty answers the phone on her head.

Kitty You dont say You dont say! YOU DONT SAY You dont say. (She hangs up. Beat).

Sidney Who was it?

Kitty They didnt say.

The song now continues. At the end, Kitty chases Sidney off followed by the gaga girls. Other Chorus Members

enter as Ghouls. They drag on a chained Prince Rufus.

Rufus You wont get away with keeping me prisoner like this. My father will send all the armed forces of [local posh area] to Goodwill.

The queen enters with her spell book.

Lilith Diddums wants his daddy to rescue him?

Rufus When I get my hands on you

Lilith Now you know theres nothing Id enjoy more than that dear. (Beat). I have bad news. Snow White lives!

The Ghouls float off.

Rufus I told you shed escape, you old witch.

Lilith (Opening her spell book). But not for long. Now what spell shall I create to snuff her out?

Shall I turn her into a toad, and boil her? Shall I shrink her and feed her to dung beetles.

Rufus You can tell youre not Snow Whites real mother. Any apple that fell from your tree would be rotten and maggoty.

Ping! Lilith has a moment of evil inspiration.

Lilith Apple. Did you say apple? Genius.

Lilith exits cackling. Rufus struggles with his chains.

Rufus Dont worry, Snow White. Ill free myself somehow, Ill be with you soon.

19

MUSIC #33 : PART, IF I RULED THE WORLD [PRINCE RUFUS]

Enter Chuckles. He signals for the audience to yell back at him quietly.

Chuckles Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). So this is what they did to the Olympic Stadium. (He turns to the Prince). Hey fancy pants.

Rufus Are you talking to me?

Chuckles (Producing a key, he unfastens the Prince). Do you want to see Snow White again, or not?

Rufus Youre one of her friends arent you!

Chuckles Yes. A friend. Nothing else. Just a friend.

Rufus The Wicked Queen knows shes alive. She has an evil plan.

Chuckles Not another one. Theres no time to lose!

They exit as underscoring begins.

MUSIC #34 : EVIL GHOULISH MUSIC

Ghouls drift on followed by the Queen.

Lilith Simplicity itself will seal Snow Whites fate. (She produces a red apple and goes over to her table). What could be more tempting than a juicy red apple. Delicious, but very deadly. (She dips the apple in a vat).

MUSIC #35 : EVIL CHORDS.

Lilith Now its tainted by poison. Belladonna and mandrake dust. Toad toes and Strangleberries mixed malevolently with the sting of the Booger Bug. She will put this

apple to her lips, and die. And how will she be able to resist it, my dear Prince? (She turns

to find that he has vanished). Where is he? Ghouls! Sidney has failed me again. Unleash

the fearsome Ghosts from the deepest dungeon. (The ghouls groan). My monstrous army

of sinful sprites will deal with him, and the Prince, and anyone else who gets in my way.

(SFX: a dreadful sound is heard). Go my pretties. Destroy my enemies while I get down to

work To complete my spell, Ill turn myself into a crone. Snow Whites kindness will be her downfall. Let darkness descend and my evil incantations begin!

MUSIC #36 : SNUFF OUT THE LIGHT [LILITH & GHOULS]

As the number ends, Lilith drinks from a cauldron. The Ghouls surround her. A crone double appears triumphant,

holding the poison apple aloft.

in this Preview Script, part of the panto has been deleted from here ...

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