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In an effort to get even more people to buy Shane Jones's remarkable novel LIGHT BOXES, Publishing Genius is delighted to present this hilarious GChat interview by Sam Pink.
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Interview with Shane Jones
by Sam Pink
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PUBLISHING GENIUS SPECIALIZES IN SHORT BOOKS
PUBLISHING GENIUS ALSO RUNS ISREADS, THE OUTDOOR JOURNAL. VISIT ONLINE AT
WWW.BALTIMOREISREADS.COM OR WWW.NASHVILLEISREADS.COM.
THIS LONG INTERVIEW WITH SHANE JONES BY SAM PINK IS PART OF THIS PDF CHAPBOOK SERIES.
THIS IS TPC 14.
VISIT THE WEBSITE FOR THE LATEST INSTALLMENTS.SUBMISSIONS ARE WELCOME YEAR-ROUND. PLEASE VISIT
WWW.PUBLISHINGGENIUS.COM FOR DETAILS.
PUBLISHING GENIUS2200 MD AVE C1
Baltimore, MD 21218PG TPC 014
www.publishinggenius.comFront cover painting by Sam Pink
Read LIGHT BOXES by Shane Joneswww.wickedsad.com
Also, read I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CONE AND EAT IT
by Sam Pinkwww.paperheropress.blogspot.com
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here is a ghcat between shane jones and me from a few months ago. below it is an imaginative play featuring myself and shane jones, in 20 years. i edited out all of shanes jones' anti-semitic remarks.
Shane: i haven't read since college i guess adam [publishe of light boxes] will set up readings? i don't know
me: probably he'll be like, shane baby we need to get you on a plane to cali stat!
Shane: that would be nice i'll be reading in Buffalo some shithole i actually like buffalo quimbys in chicago would be good i hear that's a hip place
me: chicago is cool
Shane: you're there, jesse ball, kathryn reginai'm sure others i need to get out there on my big tour
me: buffalo, chicago, alaska
Shane: sounds good oakland
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me: bulgaria
Shane: really strange tour adam just pointing at a map in random places and laughing throwing money in the air i'll be reading in prisons
me: “you'll go, where i say you'll go”
Shane: jesus
me: (burns you with a cigarette)
Shane: i'd be raped "it's called light boxes" "what did you say faggot?" "well, you see, there's balloons and stuff""get him!"
me: do people actually say 'get him'? then someone raises their hand and says, yeah i just thoght that the whole plot was contrived
Shane: just rips me apart
me: then stabs you
Shane: "it's all been done before!" (stab)
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me: "no arch!" (rape)
Shane: man, that's scary adam just laughing "should have sold more than 20 copies"he'll have to publish Blake Butler to get his money backblake saves the day "i'll fix this adam"
me: goes to his room and comes back three days later with a novel
Shane: yup "there you go"i'll spend like 6 months on some really short novel and email adam about it he'll just click delete
me: "nice try wanker jones" "blake here are the keys to a new bentley"
Shane: my subject would be "hi adam sorry about the last book but I thought maybe you would like to..." (click)
me: then he clicks his p.a. and says, "i want
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him dead"
Shane: yeah, and then it shows me just puttering around my bedroom like an idiot"boy,i sure hope adam responds to my email"
me: (knock knock)
Shane: that must be pizza!
me: silenced pistol to the head they grab you feet and hands and toss you into the atlantic with a copy of light boxes taped to your head
Shane: adam will burn my body with the 470 copies left of light boxes
me: and kids, that's how shane jones died
Shane: seriously what the fuck is he going to do with 500 copies what is his wife going to say? all stacked up in their house
me: “put them in the garage honey, next to the stairclimber”
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Shane: she'd throw a few out every day i'm laughign really hard
me: “oh well honey i just got an email from someone named “jane shones” and he seems like a promising writer”
Shane: just the image of his wife sneaking a few copies in the trash every night spaghetti sauce all over the copies she pushes them down a little
me: raccoon searching through the garbage like, “what the fuck”
Shane: the garbage man, "what is this piece of shit?"
me: “hey phil wait a minute, this is pretty good”
Shane: "why is it so short?"
me: ha (flips through it) “fuck it, i just got blake butlers new one”
Shane: ahhhh next year at this time we'll both be laughing
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me: and working at quiznos
Shane: hahaha
me: hey aren't you the guy who wrote light bozes
Shane: some fat guy "this cheese isn't melted enough, put it through your little machine again"
me: “put a little more mayo on that bitch”
Shane: "yes sir"
me: “make it a meal you little bitch”
Shane: you'll be my manager
me: “is there a problem here sir?”
Shane: butler will come in with his women
me: “Ahahaha, oh nothing for me thanks i just ate a white rhino”
Shane: "ladies, would you care for anything,
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i'm sure mr. jones and mr. pink would like to make you something"
me: “right boys?” (tosses us a million dollar bill)
Shane: "uh-huh, yes"
me: then he writes a novel on a napkin
Shane: "ah, someone should publish this soon" updates his blog on his iphone "forthcoming"
me: adam is out front of quiznos asking for nickels
Shane: shining shoes
me: "i published light boxes, kill me or give me money"
Shane: Blake: "oh that reminds me shane, how did your book do?""10 copies sold" "what? the ladies here can't hear you"
me: then he flicks your nose
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Shane: bink! everyone in the store laughs then he orders the entire menu for everyone and we have to make it"give adam the left overs"
me: so kind sir, so kind then we write the great american novel about two guys who work at quiznos and plan to kill blake buitler
Shane: of course. Somehow blake can see this conversation right now "those idiots"
me: yeah i picture him in a giant room with a bunch of tvs
Shane: probably
me: and electrodes attached to his skull
Shane: interns submitting his stuff for him "send this story to ninth letter! quick!"
me: throws a glass of milk at them “yes sir right away”
Shane: "only four acceptances today! what! you jerk-offs!"
me: "someone has to volunteer to die or you
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all do" “someon get me a copy of light boxes i have to shit”
Shane: just shits all over it "now it's better"
me: send this to ninth letter
Shane: they publish it"much improved light boxes"
me: and in other news, the sandwiches at quiznos kind of suck lately and are pointless
Shane: always fucking everything up
me: you should do something crazy to promote the book throw it at someone important
Shane: that's pretty good
me: yeah i know
Shane: lindsay lohan?
me: right off the top of my head yes throw it at her vagina
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Shane: it would just get sucked right in "two stars"
me: “the impossible has happened, light boxes stinks more”
Shane: man that would be it i'd just retire
me: a bunch of celebrities reading it
Shane: like in those tabloidssitting on the beach with it i'd go to posh parties in L.A. "hello, hello"
me: “what's shane jones doing this weekend, the insider finds out”
Shane: i'd do really strange things
me: with big designer glasses on
Shane: picture of me fucking a grilled cheese sandwichlike three photos together showing the thrusts
me: “genius author or cheese sandwich fucker?”
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Shane: because it's an "underground hit"
me: exactly whereas your average man fucks a grilled cheese and boom, jail time
Shane: yeah, what a sicko i could also be a dick to girls and they would love it just talk about myself all the time "he's so smart"
me: he's a genius it's ok
Shane: that's just not fair some guys actually have that don dellilo is probably like that
me: yeah
Shane: just says whatever he wants and people listen
me: but one day i mean, yeah, who woulnd't like to golf with don delillo
Shane: yeah
me: just act humble at readings like you're misunderstood
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Shane: i should start a fight at a reading with a well known author then, in the papers
me: dude i had the same idea
Shane: shane jones, author of light boxes yes!
me: i wanted to film a fistfight and then post it
Shane: "hey michael chabon...yeah you, fuck face!"
me: “what's up homey, what's up” (slap a book out of his hand)
Shane: whap!ohhhhhh snap!
me: get up in his face
Shane: fuck your narrative arch who can i fight at AWP that's the ticket
me: yeah hmmm
Shane: who is the keynote speaker
me: i'm not sure
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you gotta start training now
Shane: yeah i gotta get huge i know dave eggers i could take him
me: just lose on purpose BINGO
Shane: hahahaha
me: dave eggers wins total asshole
Shane: dick
me: you're lying on the ground with a bloody mouth, "it's over dave, it's over"
Shane: maybe i can parachute into AWP
me: perfect Shane: throwing copies of lights boxes on my way down me: throwing your book from high Shane: "wheeeeeee!""who the fuck is that?"
me: i dont know, throw him out
Shane: "some retard"
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me: “yes dave eggers, right away, dave eggers”
Shane: "get him out of here"
me: “oh and kill him, slow”
Shane: "no, wait, i'm a real author"
me: dave eggers: “beat it tard” “there's only one publishing genius and that';s me now burn chicago down”
Shane: eggers drops his pants, all the women, including our girlfriends start sucking him off
me: "i own this town"
Shane: "mine"
me: he does a reading while getting blown
Shane: typical reading for him
me: "hey look everyone shane's back" "who ordered the subs?"
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Shane: jesusthat one hurt i can see it i'll have to feed it to dave eggers while my girlfriend is blowing him "excuse me baby, sorry"
me: dave eggers makes you take the onions off
Shane: "i said no onions you fucking idiot" "right right, sorry"
me: "sorry isn't good enough"
Shane: "dance idiot" "and fuck a sub too"
me: "i want you to kill your girlfriend"
Shane: "sure thing mr. eggers"
me: "uh, right away sir, right away, let me just, uh, fuck this salami sub for ya" "there we go"
Shane: "faster"
me: "now wash my feet with your tears"
Shane: i can just seel chris killen standing there "what the hell is this?"
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me: "this is bollocks"
Shane: "that's shane jones"
me: "he makes a hell of a sandwich"
Shane: sam pink got quiznos manager of the year this year then you turn and say "i got a pushcart nomination last year!"and dave eggers says "i won that once"
me: "oh i mean twice"
Shane: and a girl blowing him says, "it was three times" "when did i tell you to speak!"
me: ha man when eggers sees this he'll be fuming
Shane: it won't be so funny when we have a knife to our throats
me: his henchmen wear shirts with his face on it
Shane: and our friends find us naked and dead on teh floor yeah we'll be begging for our lives
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me: " make sure they see my face when they die"
Shane: big smiling dave eggers king of literature "then rape their pets"
me: "cut their throats with the edge of light boxes"
Shane: i had this thought because adam's editing it this weekend where he realises he's made a huge mistake the look of dread on his face the color just draining from his face his wife saying "what's wrong honey?"
me: "oh dear god, dear god"
Shane: "oh..my...god"
me: "the horror"
Shane: him crying trying to explain it to his wife "but why 500 copies?" i'm laughign now
me: to his wife: “honey, uh, why don't you get me uh , see if the mail is here” then a gunshot from the house
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Shane: i have to tell him i didn't get that artistthat should go over well
me: dang i'm available for one of my sweet micosoft paint pictures anytime just say the word
Shane: i'll let him know
me: ha
Shane: i did get peter markus to give it a blurb that should save me
me: damn this might take off you got the heavy hitters
Shane: yeah dude markus is hugethat guy is amazing i want to write books as good as his
me: yeah but that's leverage like if someone doesn't like ityou can be like well a certain peter markus did
Shane: wow your right no one would do thathe hasn't give the blurb yet "why the fuck did i agree to blurb this piece of shit" i'll get an
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email from him "can't...sorry, peter"
me: “shane, take my name off your book or else i will send the eggers' henchmen”
Shane: i keep thinking about cover artwhat my book will look like
me: you ego maniac
Shane: yupthat's me
me: shane the ego maniac jonesflexing while looking at the mirror
Shane: i wonder what dave eggers is doing right now
me: slitting a baby seal's throatthen writnig a novel with the blood
Shane: sounds about right
me: or he's on gchat with someone
Shane: trying to convince young girls he's dave eggers
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me: hell yeahi just got some lucky charms and i actually considered putting some skittles in them
Shane: that sounds good to mei don't know whylike it fits
me: i think so
Shane: try ityou've hit a new low point, congrats
me: i knowthis is itnow it's on to heroin
Shane: i still like the idea of throwing copies at famous peoplei want to hit jonathan franzen with my bookjust a smack right across the face
me: bang with the corner
Shane: the book will probably just explodefranzen won't even flinch"nice try faggot"
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me: how funny would that be if the pages just shuffled out
Shane: hahaha
me: and you abjectly tried to collect them as they blew into a puddle
Shane: and i was on my hands and knees collecting the pagesFranzen: "won't be hard to collect them, only what, 120 pages there son?"
me: Franzen: "come on dave eggers, let's go"(kicks you in the gut)
Shane: i'd make some really girly sound"ouch"don delillo would show up and just eat my bookone big bite
me: piss on you
Shane: yeahshit my book out on me
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me: "hey kid, who do you think you're fucking with, i'm don delillo"
Shane: yeah, you can't fuck with himhe's probably a mean motherfuckerjust walks around with all his bookshuge stack
me: oh look, here's libraand here's underworldand here's oh i fucking lost count
Shane: i'd hold up my little bookhe'd knock it out of my hand with his cockwhap
me: the cover (a polaroid of your face taken right before publication) rips in half
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2030, A Play
Thirty years from now. A Quiznos at a strip mall where there’s also a store that went out of business and a store that sells tools to fix shopping carts. Inside Quiznos, Shane Jones and Sam Pink are working. There is no one else at the Quiznos and Shane Jones and Sam Pink are slapping each other with those cellophane gloves and saying random swear words.
Shane Jones: Hey man, do you need like, 498 copies of Light Boxes? I wonder what dave eggers is doing right now
Sam Pink: Shane, as your manager i feel you should know that the value box contains EITHER a cookie OR the chips. NOT BOTH. Now give me head.
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Sam Pink is 25. He has a chapbook out called Yum Yum I Can’t Wait to Die, and he has a book called I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It forthcoming from Paper Hero
Press.
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