Psychological Empowerment

7/18/2019 Psychological Empowerment

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MODULE 3

PSYCHOLOGICAL EMPOWERMENT

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Theoretical part 4Introduction .............................................................................................................................. 4

3.1 Coping with prejudice of the society....................................................................................... 5

3.1.1 Case – Letter “Let us play together” ................................................................................ 5

Practical part ................................................................................................................................. 9

3.1.2. How to overcome the prejudice (reflection activitity) .................................................... 9

Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 10

3.2 Self-esteem ............................................................................................................... ............. 10

3.2.1 Self-esteem. Signs of positive self-esteem. .................................................................... 10

3.2.2. How to recognise low self-esteem? .............................................................................. 11

3.2.3. Three Self-Esteem Builders ........................................................................................... 12

Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 15

3.2.4 Reflection on affirmations .............................................................................................. 15

3.2.5 Exercise: We can influence our own self with what we say to ourselves ..................... 16

3.2.6. Personal story: Mother of a family member with autism ............................................. 17

3.2.7. Steps to help them develop positive feelings of self-worth (reflection activity) .......... 18

3.2.8. Practical activity: Self-esteem building ......................................................................... 22

3.2.9. Cases for reflection ....................................................................................................... 22

3.2.10. Self-assessment test (Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale) .................................................. 27


3.3. Communication in the family ............................................................................................... 29

3.3.1. Factors that might influence the level of communication ............................................ 30

3.3.2. Strategies for Effective Communication within a Family-Centered Context ................ 32

Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 34

3.3.3 Listening ......................................................................................................................... 34

3.3.4 What you as a parent should avoid? (reflection activity) .............................................. 36

4. Test for psychological empowerment of parents ................................................................... 39

Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 40

5. Words of Encouragement and Praise .................................................................................. 40

6. Complete the following sentences with appropriate words. .............................................. 41

7. Positive thinking ...................................................................................................................... 43


7.1 What is positive thinking? How to foster in your family member with disability ............ 43

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7.2 Can person with disability grasp the concept of positive thinking? ................................. 43

5-year olds can connect thought with emotion .................................................................. 44

7.3 How can parents foster positive thinking? ....................................................................... 45

Be a model ........................................................................................................................... 45

Acknowledge when something bad happens ..................................................................... 47

7.4 Key points to remember ................................................................................................... 47

Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 48

7.5 Positive thinking exercise .................................................................................................. 48

7.6 How to welcome positive behaviour ................................................................................ 49

Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 54

7.7 Positive thinking tips ......................................................................................................... 54

7.8. Positive thinking activity .................................................................................................. 55

7.9 Reflection .......................................................................................................................... 56

7.10 Exercise “Why it’s not obvious?” .................................................................................... 56

7.11. Exercise “Self-assessment of happiness” ....................................................................... 57

7.12 Exercise “Positive thinking – gratitude and optimism” ................................................... 58

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Theoretical part

Introduction

The most commonly cited definition states that empowerment is "...an intentional, on-going

process ... through which people lacking an equal share of valued resources gain greater access

to and control over those resources" (Cornell Empowerment Group, 1999, p. 2).

For the purposes of this module, individual empowerment is defined as ‘‘... a process by which

families access knowledge, skills, and resources that enable

them to gain positive control over their own lives as well as

improve the quality of their life-styles’’ (Singh, 1995, p.13). It

comprises the key components of self-efficacy, sense of

control, meeting your personal needs and utilizing of your

knowledge to meet the needs of your family member with

disability, recognition of the strengths of your family

member with disability.

Fig. 3.0 Yes I can message

The main aim of the module is then to bring to the parent’s / relative’s conscience that this

“yes you can” is the message they have to believe and to deliver each day to their family

member with disability. We could conclude on 3 major points that are self-confidence, self-

esteem and most of all the feeling that you can impact your life (i.e. when I decide something I

can feel changes in my life) and to influence the life of your family member with disability.

The section related to self-esteem and self-confidence is targeted to parents/relatives

themselves rather than to their family member with disabilities.

We believe that by developing the self-confidence and self-esteem of the parents / relatives

then being equipped with enough resources they will be able to transmit those to their family

member. The module put emphasis on the individual empowerment of parents / relatives

while the involvement of the family member with disability in the process of empowerment is

complex and high demanding process which could requires the intervention of a professional

therapeutic support.

If you as a parent / relative feel like your family member with disability need external support

by the psychologist please contact a professional to whom you can trust. You may search for

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reliable psychologist following recommendations by other people that you trust. You may also

contact your social service provider who can help you to identify professional with experience

and recognized expertise.

3.1 Coping with prejudice of the society

3.1.1 Case – Letter “Let us play together”

Fig. 3.1 Youngsters are playing on schoolyard.

“Let's play a game - changing places.

Imagine that you who love to play ball, you tied to a chair and you cannot break free.

Your peers run, past you, kick, handing her laugh, have fun and do not even notice you.

Spontaneous tears streaming down your face, but no one can wipe them and you

cannot do this on your own.

Imagine that you go to school and you are the leader of the class. Suddenly, you do not

understand anything of what your teachers teach. You find it difficult to concentrate

and to handle with the material. You do not get ratings, and our diaries are full of “A”

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grades. There is a celebration; however there is no poem for you or if any it is the

shortest. You are not participating in school events and the excursions are taboo for

you. All laugh you and staring at you ...

Tears streaming down your face, but they stays alone ...

Luckily for you this is just a game, however for me this is a way of life!

There are countless options, but let's play together in one team by changing the rules.

Although I cannot get out of the chair, you pass the ball to me, smiled, and I join the

game.

When I cannot understand the lesson or task, you help me and supported me.

Take me despite being difficult to approach, to talk, to write and to handle as good as

you.

No tears, only smiles ...

We are already on the same team - LET'S PLAY!”

Fig. 3.2 Cartoon of society

Many of the assumptions and judgments that are made about people with disabilities

and their families are made in the light of a medical model approach. While this is not

particularly surprising within cultural and social contexts in which the medical

understanding of disability is dominant, it involves a recognition that these

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assumptions and judgments have been made ‘without considering the relevant facts

and arguments’ - that is, upon the basis of prejudice.

Prejudice does not take place in isolation but is part of the way in which discrimination

is expressed at a personal level. Prejudiced judgments are made from a position in

which that some people assume that they know pretty much what the case is because

‘these things are obvious’.

When society reminds us again and again - through, for example, media

representation - that disability is a tragic individual characteristic of people with

disabilities, unless it is pointed out that this ‘truth’ represents a biased view then

people have no reason to suppose that it is not the case.

Prejudiced attitudes towards people with disabilities are an inevitable outcome of

participation within a society, which identifies disability as personal tragedy or as an

individual problem.

It is sometimes the case that, in spite of the best intentions, families can unwittingly

play a part in preventing the development of positive identification as disabled and

therefore lay up trouble for the future.

Fig. 3.3 Cartoon of a family

Parents / relatives will often perfectly rightly recognize that the abilities of their

daughters and sons far outweigh what have been defined by professionals and/or

relatives as their ‘limitations’. When disability is thought of in terms of physical

limitation, or as something wrong with somebody’s body, or as undesirable difference,this can lead to situations in which they encourage their family member with disability

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‘not to think of themselves as disabled’. When young people with disabilities have

been encouraged to think of themselves as ‘the same’ as their non-disabled brothers

and sisters, this often leads to them rejecting the identity ‘disabled‘ for themselves.

Special schools often encourage this type of thinking as well; by constantly placing

emphasis on the importance of normality, they encourage a situation in which young

people with disabilities see ‘normality’ as a wonderful goal to be worked towards -

encouraging them yet again to think of disability as something to be thought of

negatively and to be overcome or avoided.

This might provide a zone of comfort for young people with disabilities while they

remain within the protective environments of family and school, but leaves them

unprepared for the discovery for themselves about the prejudice and difficulties they

will experience as adults within the society which have been designed on the

assumption that they will not be present.

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Practical part

3.1.2. How to overcome the prejudice (reflection activitity)

Fig. 3.4 Respect differences

What you as a parent / relative can do to overcome the prejudice of the society?

1. Give as much more information as possible to the community about disability

as reality not as a myth.

2. Create opportunities for everyday interactions with your accountancies and do

not allow isolation of your family member.

3. Remember that the positive attitudes can be shaped from an early age (see

module 4)

4. Don’t hide your family member with disability but try to show his/her strengths

and abilities instead of weaknesses and the disability itself.

5. Share the success stories of your family member with disability with the

community even when you consider that these are minor successful steps.

6. The society needs to see good examples and encouraging stories of people with

disabilities who achieve the so called ‘normal life’ despite his/her limitations.

7. If you can, participate in informal meetings with other parents and share with

them your challenges, cases, positive achievements. This would help you to

become more confident and empowered.

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8. Remember that the prejudice occur not because people from the society are

bad, negative or rejective but they are suffering from the lack of information

and cases about the nature of disability and what consequences it might have.

9. You as a parent / relative is in a best position to disclose the issue with

disability and to put emphasis on abilities rather disability.

Your question box:

What are your own observations in terms of the formation of attitudes?

Why attitudes are so important in approaching social change?

What would be your role in affecting the formation of attitudes and expressions on a

local and broader basis in the society?

What was your main discovery after reading this section?

Theoretical part

3.2 Self-esteem

3.2.1 Self-esteem. Signs of positive self-esteem.

Fig. 3.5 Self-esteem of parents

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Self-esteem is how we value ourselves; it is how we perceive our value to the world

and how valuable we think we are to others. Self-esteem affects our trust in others,

our relationships, and our work – nearly every part of our lives.

Positive self-esteem gives us the strength and flexibility to take charge of our lives and

grow from our mistakes without the fear of rejection.

Following are some outward signs of positive self-esteem which we could share with

you as a parent of disabled family member:

Confidence

Self-direction (search for clear direction of possible solution)

Non-blaming behaviour

An awareness of personal strengths

An ability to make mistakes and learn from them

An ability to accept mistakes from others

Optimism

An ability to solve problems

An independent and cooperative attitude

Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions

An ability to trust others

A good sense of personal limitations

Good self-care

The ability to say no

3.2.2. How to recognise low self-esteem?

A person with low self-esteem feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent. In fact,

because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about him or herself, these

feelings may actually cause the person’s continued low self-esteem.

Here are some signs through which you can check the level of low self-esteem both of

you as a parent or to your family member with disability:

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Negative view of life;

Perfectionist attitude;

Mistrusting others – even those who show signs of affection; Blaming behaviour;

Fear of taking risks;

Feelings of being unloved and unlovable;

Dependence – letting others make decisions;

Fear of being ridiculed.

Feelings of low self-esteem often build up over a lifetime, and letting go of ingrained

feelings and behaviours is not an easy task.

There are some simple, positive thinking techniques that can be used to help improve

your self-esteem.

These are called affirmations. Using affirmations to stop negative self-talk is a simple,

positive way to help increase self-esteem.

Affirmations are encouraging messages we can give ourselves every day until they

become part of our feelings and beliefs. Affirmations work best when a person is

relaxed. But since people are often upset when they are giving themselves negative

self-messages, they may need to counter negative messages with positive ones.

3.2.3. Three Self-Esteem Builders

There are three additional factors (Pretis, 2013) that affect your self-esteem that have

to do with time management.

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Fig. 3.6 A family of a family member with disability

1. Determine Your Values

Living your life consistent with your deepest values is essential for you to enjoy high

self-esteem. People who are clear about what they believe in and value, and who

refuse to compromise their values like and respect themselves far more than people

who are unclear about what is really important to them.

This immediately brings up the question, “How much do you value your life?” People

who truly value their lives are people who highly value themselves. People who value

themselves highly use their time well. They know that their time is their life.

If you act in a certain way, your actions will create within you the feelings that areconsistent with them. This means that when you act as if your time was extremely

valuable, the action causes you to feel like a more valuable and important person. By

managing your time well, you actually increase your self-esteem, and by extension,

you become better at whatever you are doing.

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The very act of living your life consistent with your values, and using your time

effectively and well, improves your self-image, builds your self-esteem and self-

confidence, and increases your self-respect.

2. Strive for Mastery

The second factor that affects your self-esteem is your sense of being in control of

your life and you’re feeling of “mastery” in whatever you do.

Everything that you learn about time management, and then apply in your family life,

causes you to feel more in control of yourself and your life. As a result, you feel more

effective and efficient. You feel more productive and powerful. Every increase in your

feeling of effectiveness and productivity increases your self-esteem and improves your

sense of personal well-being.

3. Know What You Want

The third factor that directly affects your self-esteem is your current goals and

objectives, and the activities that you take to achieve those goals. The more your goals

and your activities are congruent with your values, the better you feel. When you are

working at something that you believe in, and which is consistent with your natural

talents and abilities, you like yourself more, and you do your work better.

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Practical part

3.2.4 Reflection on affirmations

For example, replace the message:

“I made a stupid mistake as parent/relative, and I am not reliable parent/relative”

with

“Yes, I made a mistake but I have learned from it, and now I can be a better parent /

relative.”

Begin each day by looking in the mirror and giving you a positive message.

The following affirmations can help you to work toward a positive self-image:

I respect myself and others

I am lovable and likable

I am confident, and it shows

I acre about myself

I am creating loving, healthy relationships

I am a good friend to myself and others

I am a good parent /relative to my family member with disability and s/he

could rely on me

I accept myself just as I am

I look great

Life is good, and I like being a part of it

Having a family member with disability is a challenge, but not a tragedy for me

and my family.

Remember that the self-esteem is supposed to be an especially important issue for

parents and relatives, given the central role they play in the socialization and

development of their family member with disability. Existing evidence indicated that

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high self-esteem individuals are more capable and competent. They are more aware of

and sensitive to the cues of others, which enables them to be more responsive and

sensitive to those with whom they interact. In a family, parents / relatives with higher

self-esteem would be expected to present more positive interactions with their family

member with disability and perform more effectively their parental role. Small’s

findings indicate that there is a relationship between a parent's sense of self-worth

and the behaviours he or she employs when interacting with his/her family member.

3.2.5 Exercise: We can influence our own self with what we say to ourselves

We can influence our own self with what we say to ourselves. People with low self-

esteem say to themselves that they are not good; they cannot do anything good, they

have no value.

Please choose a message reflecting low self-esteem, write it down, think and reflect on

it.

Then think and formulate a message that is contrary; also write it down, think and

reflect on it. For example, if the message associated with low self-esteem is "I will

never do things right and I will never be a reliable parent" the contrary message would

be "You can do things right and you will become a reliable parent."

Then think about yourself positive thinking that will confirm your dignity as a human

being.

Write down examples like the following below.

You and your family member with disability are valuable.You and your family member with disability are special.

You have good ideas.

You are able to be a good parent /relative.

You are doing well.

You are funny.

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3.2.6. Personal story: Mother of a family member with autism

Fig. 3.7. Ani and her’s family member Georgi

My name is Ani Shileva and I am a mother of a family member with autism. The

upbringing of my son, actually, is a huge challenge for me and sometimes is difficult to

judge whether I react properly. His name is Georgi and he is sixteen-year-old young

man with Autism. He has serious communicative and intellectual difficulties. European

initiatives helped me to realize that often in my desire to work for my family member’s

development I violate his personal space and impose him requirements that he cannot

fulfill. Thus I provoke negative reactions by him and worsen our interaction. After my

involvement in a NGO of parents of disabled children I behave more carefully and take

his moods and abilities into consideration. I found out that I violate or restrict his right

of choice. Now, to higher extent, I allow him to have a choice in the daily activities

(such as eating and so on), spending his free time and education. Taking care for aperson with disability is a way of living for us as parents and it puts us to various trials.

We also need huge support and the trainings we went through were very effective

form of psychological empowerment to me. I became more adequate and flexible in

bringing up my family member. I also shared with the rest of my family what I learned

and as a result we could avoid some important differences. All of this made me more

self-confident and brave. My job as a coordinator of a project for social assistants

which are parents of disabled children is closely linked with continuous communication

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with people with disabilities and their relatives. I have always had respect for their

peculiarities but now I am more patient and encourage them to develop their potential

and not to be afraid of defending their own ambitions.

I create a message to the rest of the society. It was directed on behalf of a family

member with disability towards his/her peers without disability. The idea for spreading

the message as a part of a campaign for overcoming the negative attitudes of the

society towards people with disabilities arose. We are currently working on the

preparation of the events and we have already had the support of different

institutions.

We are confident that the seeds that fell in our minds and our hearts already give their

good fruit, and soon will reach other places where will bring a positive change towards

a better life for people with disabilities.

3.2.7. Steps to help them develop positive feelings of self-worth

(reflection activity)

Some parents are aware that their family member with disability’s feelings of self-

worth are linked to social and life success, but they sometimes don't realize how easy

it is to damage their family member's self-esteem. For example research shows that

people with learning disabilities are especially likely to suffer from a lack of self-

esteem, but they benefit when their parents and relatives take steps to help them

develop positive feelings of self-worth.

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Fig. 3.8 A family of person with disability

Think yourself the following questions:

What is going good with your child?

Ask you other children what is going well with his sister or brother?

What are your signs of communication?

Is the father or other relatives participating?

1. Help your family member feel special and appreciated.

One of the main factors that contribute to a family member developing hope and

becoming resilient is the presence of at least one adult who helps the family member

to feel special and appreciated; an adult who does not ignore a family member's

problems, but focuses energy on a family member's strengths. One way for you as a

parent to do this is to set aside "special times" during the week. If your family member

with disability is young, it is even helpful for you to say, "When I read to you or play

with you, I won't even answer the phone if it rings." Also, during these special times,

focus on things that your family member enjoys doing so that he has an opportunity to

relax and to display his strengths.

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2. Help your family member to develop problem-solving skill and making the right

choices.

High self-esteem is associated with solid problem-solving skills. For example, if your

family member is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask her to think about a

couple of ways of solving the situation. Don't worry if your family member can't think

of solutions immediately; you can help her reflect upon possible solutions. Also, try

role-playing situations with your family member to help demonstrate the steps

involved in problem solving.

3. Avoid comments that are judgmental and instead, frame them in more positive

terms.

For example, a comment that often sounds accusatory is, "Try harder and put in more

of an effort." Instead say, "We have to figure out better ways to help you learn."

People with disabilities are less defensive when the problem is cast as ‘strategies’ that

must be changed rather than as something deficient with their motivation. This

approach also reinforces problem-solving skills.

4. Be an empathetic parent.

Some parents, out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as,

"Why don't you listen to me?" or "Why don't you use your brain?" If your family

member with disability is having difficulty with learning, it is best to be empathetic and

say to your family member that you know he is having difficulty; then you can cast the

difficulty into a problem to be solved and involve your family member in thinking

about possible solutions.

5. Provide choices for your family member.

This will also minimize power struggles. For example, ask your family member if s/he

would like to be reminded five or ten minutes before bedtime to get ready for bed.

These beginning choices help to set the foundation for a feeling of control over one's

life.

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6. Do not compare siblings.

It is important not to compare siblings and to highlight the strengths of each family

member.

7. Highlight your family member's strengths.

Unfortunately, many youngsters view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms

of school. Make a list of your family member's areas of strengths. Select one of this

strength and find ways of reinforcing it. For example, if your family member is a

wonderful artist, display his/her artwork.

8. Provide opportunities to help.

Family members with disabilities seem to have an inborn need to help others.

Providing opportunities for family members highlighting that they have something to

offer their world. Involving your family member in charitable work (e.g. art therapy

workshop) is just one possible example. Helping others certainly boosts your family

member's self-esteem.

9. Have realistic expectations and goals for your family member.

Realistic expectations provide your family member with a sense of understanding. The

development of self-determination goes hand-in-glove with self-esteem.

10. Help your family member with disability to understand the nature of his/her

problem.

Some people have fantasies and misconceptions about their problems and disability

that add to their distress (for example, one family member said he was born with half a

brain). Having realistic information can give your family member with disability a

greater sense of control and a feeling that things can be done to help the situation.

11. Do not allow to your family member with disability to justify his/her failures with

the disability.

Some family members alongside with their parents are tending to explain the family

member’s failures with the gaps that the disability causes. However not always this is a

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reality. The family member with disability should be encouraged to use his/her

strengths to cope with different daily situations.

3.2.8. Practical activity: Self-esteem building

GENERAL SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING

Always focus on and encourage your family member's with disability assets and

strengths

Accept and make your family member feel that s/he is appreciated and loved

"just as s/he is"

Show your family member with disability the same respect as to the one

without disability

Praise effort and improvement not just good accomplishment

Communicate your faith and trust in your family member and his/her goodness

Make sure your standards and expectations are not so high that they

discourage and promote failure

3.2.9. Cases for reflection

Case 1:

Q: My son is ten years old and has some sort of learning disability (LD). I have noticed

that he is so slow at some things and not as noticeably slow at other things. He is

home-schooled now and I find he is learning more math than he did at school. He

often has a problem with nightmares and he is very, very shy all the time even with

people he knows very well. He will not stand up for himself against even the youngest

of family members. He is a compliant family member easy to be with and easy to love.

I want Adam to stand up for himself more and learn to value himself.

Any suggestions?

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A: First, I would not assume that your son has a "clinically diagnosable" learning

disability. Indeed if he is talked about in this manner, i.e. that something is "wrong"

with him, this certainly could contribute significantly to him having little confidence in

himself. Many home-schooled kids are also afraid to tell their parents they would

rather go to a school where they could be around other kids; they're afraid to hurt

their parent's feelings, parents who are giving them so much extra time.

If you are really concerned about difficulties your son may have in learning you owe it

to him and yourself to have him evaluated by sensitive, talented professionals. You

obviously value education greatly; some collaborating with these professional

specialists could surely help you adapt your teaching to his learning styles.

Get Adam involved with social activities outside the home, ones that he expresses an

interest in. Look to the things Adam does well (not just in academics) and find ways for

him to feel even better about these skills, talents and interests. The better he feels

about himself and what he has to offer the more confident he will be presenting

himself in life.

Case 2:

Q: I have a 5-year-old kindergartner with disability who, at times, can be very hard on

herself. For example, she had to fill out a statement for class asking why she was

special. She reacted negatively to this, saying she wasn't special at all, and that there

was nothing special about her. She is also, at times, very hard on herself if she cannot

complete some difficult task, or if she spills something, etc.

Any suggestions how to build her self-esteem?

A: Often when kids begin kindergarten they begin comparing themselves to their

classmates on all fronts. It's not unusual to see a family member's sense of self-worth

and self-image threatened, especially one who may naturally be a bit hard on herself.

You must encourage her in all she does, always helping her to frame realistic

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expectations of herself. Be aware of activities, talents, and interests of hers that offer

natural avenues for her to feel competent.

Case 3:

Q: My son has ADD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and a central auditory

processing disorder that we just had diagnosed last June. He is in seventh grade this

year and has been tutored for the auditory processing problem for about six months,

with good results. Unfortunately, he has such low self-esteem that if something isn't

easy (sports or schoolwork) he gives up and refuses to try anymore. He has never been

particularly coordinated or good at sports, but all of a sudden things are coming

together and now he won't make an effort to try the sports, either. (He tried wrestling

this year and had some very convincing moments.) He is following a very academic

sister and a very athletically talented brother, and I really do believe he is probably

equal to both of them. What can I do to help him develop a desire to try anything to

occupy his television time? He's always so discouraged; I equate him to Eyore with a

cloud over his head. I have offered him art, music, sports, anything -- and he just

doesn't want to. Thank you for any input you have.

A: This is a real challenge faced by many parents. Even though your family member is

benefiting from the help he has received, he's got a history that keeps calling out "You

can't!" to him. This background of repeated frustration and failure can have a

significant impact on the self-concept of a student with LD or ADHD that is so strong

that any new task seems very daunting. Your son, like so many other kids, has learned

that one way to avoid this scenario of failure and shame is simply to avoid doing

anything new, anything that involves risk. People I know have been able to move past

this point because there is some significant adult (usually not a parent) who has paved

a path to the activity that minimizes risk and given the family member a sense of

increasing mastery over some skill. Some examples: a middle school drama teacher

who asks a shy boy to work the lights for a school play; a scout leader who personally

invites a teenager to join the group for a special activity; a school custodian who

"hires" a student to help with some important function that helps the school; a school

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principal who personally reads everything that a young writer with LD has written; high

school student acting as a "big brother" or "big sister" to a younger family member,

learning together how to do something new (like ham radio or sign language); an art

teacher who asks a reticent but budding artist to help her prepare for art activities

(and encouraging the student "art aide" to do a demonstration model for the class); a

clergy person who invites a student to help on a project at church or temple, or sing in

the choir.

In a math class, encouraging a student to create a three dimensional model that

demonstrates a mathematical concept instead of doing 20 problems on a worksheet

can be a great way to help a student over the threshold of fear that often comes from

repeated failures associated with more traditional approaches. I hope that some of

these suggestions can help your son and others like him feel better about themselves

and the contributions they can make to the world in which we live.

Case 4:

Q: I have an 8-year-old daughter who is in special education and has been since she

was two-years-old. She has a four-year-old sister who is extremely bright. The four-

year-old is starting to read and the eight-year-old is not even close. The eight-year-old

is just starting to recognize her disabilities and as the four-year-old gets older and

reaches goals, I have noticed that the eight-year-old seems to be regressing; she is not

trying and seems to give up easily. How do I continue to encourage the four-year-old

without completely destroying the eight-year-old's self-esteem?

A: It's really hard for a family member with learning disabilities when a younger

brother or sister starts to pass them by. It's very important that both of your girls

understand what a learning disability is. First of all, your eight-year-old needs to

understand that she has a condition that makes it hard to learn, even though she is a

smart family member. She may find it helpful to attend sessions specifically for people

with LD at conferences run by the state. It might also be good for her to be in a group

for students with learning disabilities. The guidance counsellor in your daughter's

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school might run such a group, or a psychologist or social worker in your town may do

this privately. It might be covered by your health insurance.

Your younger daughter needs to understand, as best she can at her age, the nature of

her sister's disability. If she doesn't have a good understanding of the condition, she

might find it hard to figure out why her sister is struggling so much to do what she can

do so effortlessly. Without this information, she might make fun of her sister or feel

sorry for her, neither of which will help. Your daughter may find some comfort in

knowing that many other kids have learning disabilities. If she can meet other students

with LD it might help her understand that just because she is having difficulty reading,

she's not bad or lazy or "stupid." If she's had a recent evaluation, ask the person who

did the testing to explain the results to her in language that she can understand. You

might want someone to do this every couple of years, as your daughter's capacity to

understand increases with age. A learning disability is a life-long condition; the people

who cope best are those who understand what it is and how to be successful, even

though they have a learning disability.

Case 5:

Q: Our 7-year-old has always liked school. She was tested last year and just missed

being placed in an LD program. She has an individualised educational programme (IEP)

and receives 90 minutes per week of extra help. This year is so hard for her. She's

feeling so frustrated with the extra load of work, and the teacher is making her feel

worse -- she says the teacher gets short with her when she needs extra help or doesn't

understand the question. Our daughter is very sensitive, has low self-esteem, and is

rather shy. Do we switch her to another teacher or keep her in this class that is tearing

her up inside?

A: Even if the teacher is as sweet as an angel, it's your daughter's perception that

counts. You should meet with the teacher and the principal together and tell them that

your daughter finds it hard to ask questions in class because she thinks that the

teacher gets angry when she does. It might be helpful if the principal or the guidance

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counsellor observes the interaction between the teacher and your daughter. If the

process of observation makes the teacher more aware of her style, the problem might

be solved. If the observation suggests that the teacher is responding appropriately,

you'll want to make sure that this is happening when she's not being observed.

Then tell your daughter that you have talked to the teacher and that you think the

teacher is going to help her feel more comfortable in class. Sometimes just "planting"

this belief in a family member can help her feel like the teacher understands and is

trying harder to meet her needs. If your daughter senses no improvement, then I

would encourage the teacher to meet with your daughter privately and talk about her

feelings. If the teacher asks your daughter what she can do to make her feel more

comfortable in class, this may help. If it turns out that this is an insensitive teacher,

then a switch may be indicated.

It also sounds as if your daughter is struggling in school. Do you feel that her teacher is

teaching in a way that your daughter learns best? If not, then you should ask the

special education teacher to consult with the teacher to give her some ideas about

how to structure learning so that your daughter feels more successful. Since you say

your daughter is sensitive and has a low self-concept, I'd get the guidance counsellor

or school psychologist involved in this plan right away. Your daughter needs to feel

more positive about school, or these problems will get worse.

3.2.10. Self-assessment test (Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale)Instructions: Below is a list of statements dealing with your general feelings about

yourself. If you strongly agree, circle SA. If you agree with the statement, circle A. If

you disagree, circle D. If you strongly disagree, circle SD.

1. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself. SA A D SD

2.* At times, I think I am no good at all. SA A D SD

3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities. SA A D SD

4. I am able to do things as well as most other people. SA A D SD

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5.*I feel I do not have much to be proud of. SA A D SD

6.* I certainly feel useless at times. SA A D SD

7. I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane withSA A D SD

others.

8.*I wish I could have more respect for myself. SA A D SD

9.* All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure. SA A D SD

10.I take a positive attitude toward myself. SA A D SD

Scoring: SA=3, A=2, D=1, SD=0. Items with an asterisk are reverse scored, that is, SA=0,

A=1, D=2, SD=3. Sum the scores for the 10 items.

The higher the score, the higher the self-esteem you have.

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Theoretical part

3.3. Communication in the family

Parents and relatives interact with their family member with disability using a variety

of communication general modalities including, speech, verbalizations, gestures, facial

expressions, contacts by phone or other modalities. Specific ones for people with

hearing impairments are sign language, lorm (www.deafblind.com/lorm.html) and lip

reading.

No individual is completely autonomous every moment of every day, but

interdependence and interactions occur throughout the day. Communication lies at

the centre of the everyday interactions of family members. Some people with physical

and cognitive impairments require support for communication. Communication

contributes to increased self-determination. People with disabilities communicate with

peers, family members, and others in the community about their desires, needs, and

decisions in terms of their daily activities, education, social life, living, professional

orientation. Communicative competency supports self-determination.

Support of a variety of modalities encourages inclusion and self-determination for all

individuals including those with disabilities. They are first individuals and then have

disability which partially affects their physical and mental condition, communication,

ability to be included equally in the family life, their independence, social activities of

the community as well as in the education and vocational realization. People with

disability need to communicate as much as other individuals. Through communication

they connect with others, express their innermost thoughts and have an impact on

their lives and the lives of their parents and the others. Through communication both

parents and person with disability enact change and develop self-determination.

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Fig. 3.9 Communication in family is important

Self-determination involves communicating personal preferences without undue

influences. Personal preferences include wants, desires, needs and opinions. Expressing

desires and needs of the people with disabilities to their parents or other relatives is an

expression of self-determination. Initially identifying wants and needs demonstrates

the power of communication and encourages development of self-determination.

Competent communication resulted in increased autonomy and psychological

empowerment. Individuals who communicate effectively display increased autonomy

and psychological empowerment. Autonomy and psychological empowerment

contribute to increased self-determination.

3.3.1. Factors that might influence the level of communication

Communication is crucial, a key life skill at every level of social interaction and vital to

people’s with disability successful development. There are many ways and preferred

methods of communication. However they should be adjusted in accordance with the

specific needs and the psychological condition of the disabled family member.

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We would like to share some factors which we identified in our work with parents that

might influence the level of communication between the parent and the disabled

family member is:

The age as well as the generations’ differences – e.g. sometimes in some cases

the disabled family member might use strong and even impolite phrases while

his/her parent might find this inappropriate of offensive. One way to overcome

this confrontation is to have open and timely communication based on mutual

respect and tolerance.

Type and stage of disability - some impairment e.g. hearing or speech ones

could affect the ability of the person to communicate freely with the other

family members. In many cases parents developed their knowledge to talk with

the disabled family member either using their own resources or by involvement

in specialised courses held by disability organisation or training centres. Deaf

parents whose native language is Sign language (SL) communicate with their

deaf family member through sign language. Deaf parents respond to their

family member’s developing language appropriately, and to adjust linguistic

forms – manual words and sentences – to meet the language level of the deaf

family member effectively. Deaf people learn SL from their deaf parents in a

systematic and progressive way just as person with hearing impairment learn

spoken language from their hearing parents. Language development

milestones for deaf family member exposed to SL from birth, mirror language

development of person with hearing impairment that are exposed to a spoken

language from birth. Young deaf or hard of hearing person raised in a signing

environment have vocabularies equal to or larger than person who only use

spoken language. Deaf parents use sign language to communicate efficiently,

accurately, and competently with their deaf family member assisting in

language growth and development.

Inclusion of the disabled family member in the mainstream education – if the

family member is attending a mainstream school then s/he would develop

his/her communication and social skills much better in comparison with his/her

peers who are visiting specialised schools. Disabled people who are studying in

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specialised schools are in direct contact with different professionals who

support them in their daily activities however all processes happen in sheltered

environment. Therefore when the family member leaves the specialised school

s/he might face difficulties in communication with other non-disabled people

including his/her parents and relatives.

Accent and tone in speeches could be perceived in different ways and influence the

perception of the message and the environment.

3.3.2. Strategies for Effective Communication within a Family-Centered

Context

Principle of Communication Strategies based on Characteristics of Effective

Communication

(Briggs, 1998; Brandt, 1993; Rosin, 1996; Tuchman,

1996; Winton, 1996)

Family members communicate

as equals

Encourage open sharing of opinions, desires,

requests, and expectations.

Allow each family member to share his/her

ideas and views.

Do not underestimate or devalue the ideas of

the person with whom you are

communicating.

Do not just criticized but suggest alternatives.

Do not focus on the communication problem

if any but seek wise solutions.

Family members communicate

clearly to share information

Make your point clear and brief.

Use language that is understandable

Avoid or explain uncommon words or

phrases.

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Talk with your family members about the

strengths and needs of your family.

Family members really listento each other

Listen carefully and do not interrupt speakingperson

Establish eye contact

Show relaxed manner – do not shout.

Ask questions when you don’t understand

your family member.

In conclusion, a good pattern of intra-familiar communication can contribute to create

the necessary self-confidence and can deconstruct those set of false believes that

disable person could holds about him or herself.

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Practical part

3.3.3 Listening

Fig. 3.10 Listen your family member with disabilityIn the family environment members do not always listen. Not listening creates various

difficulties that affect own performance, problem solving, and interactions with others.

You as a parent can follow those ten characteristics that describe a good listening.

Using a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest score, mark your answer in order to

find the extent to which you possess the characteristics in question.

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Following are 10 characteristics that describe a bad habit of parents listening. Using a

scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the worst evaluation, mark your answer to discover the

extent to which you possess them. Be honest with yourself. Recognition of how you

listen is the first step towards change and understanding your family member with

disability.

Conclusion: Record your answers and start thinking what it means to listen and why it

is important to listen.

Exercise:

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Think and try to remember a situation where you were trying to listen during a

conversation with your family member with disability. What have you done?

............................................................................................................................................

Describe the results

............................................................................................................................................

Describe what you would do if the situation could be repeated taking into

consideration what you have learned from the above

............................................................................................................................................

What would you do differently?

............................................................................................................................................

3.3.4 What you as a parent should avoid? (reflection activity)

Communication is on-going process which involves different parties and interest. In

your daily life you and your family member with disability communicate with different

people e.g. peers, teachers, trainers, social workers, psychologists, coachers, public

administration staff etc.

You as a parent could support the communication of your family member with

disability with other people but without too many interventions.

Here we provide you some guidelines what not to do in order to avoid situations of

isolation of your disabled family member from the communication process with the

others:

1. When anyone ask a question to your family member with disability, do not

answer instead of him/her.

2. When someone communicates with your disabled family member you

shouldn’t interfere in the conversation unless anyone of the parties ask you

explicitly.

3. Do not end or correct the sentences of your family member with disability. Let

him her to express his/her thoughts.

4. Let your disabled family member to express freely his/her opinion in front of

the others even when you not partially or fully agree.

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5. If you are a parent of a family member with hearing or speech impairments and

assist him/her in communication with others you should transmit his/her

message without changing the meaning or adding new thing you may think

appropriate.

6. If your family member with disability uses simple phrases do not try to replace

them with more sophisticated words no matter if the communication is written

or verbal.

7. When your family member with disability is talking and you feel like you need

to interrupt him/her just make a discreet signal.

8. When your family member with disability meets someone for the first time let

your family member to decide when to disclose and talk about his/her

disability.

9. When you family member is visiting school or daily care centre or wherever let

him/her to ask for adaptation and support s/he needs and don’t make these

quarries instead of him/her.

10. When you speak about your family member with disability does not use

exaggerations or underestimations toward his/her condition and life situation.

Many people tend to exaggerate too much when they express their emotions

or feelings in the family. Exaggeration is used as a mode of easing the mental

tension, but may destroy the family harmony. When you talk or express the

feelings be lavish only to the limit of the tolerance of others. Frequent

exaggerated talks may make others bored and distrusted in your words and

actions.

There are many practical tips to make the communication between the family

members more effective. Let us see some of them.

The focus is preference, not principles

Family is the place where no strict or inflexible rules are applicable and principles

always remain subordinates to preferences. Focusing on the preferences simply means

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to give more importance to the personal likes of your family member with disability

than rules and regulations. For example, you can't just implement a rule that your

family member should be silent after 10 at night. It may be the only convenient time

for him/her to communicate with you and others. There are no right time, right way

and right place for communication. Implicating principles for communication will make

the process completely official and your family member with disability may feel it

mechanical, rather affectionate.

Be positive

Negative and sarcastic communication will destroy the warmth of family talking. Do

not over criticize or approach everything in negative way. Certain people cling to

sarcasm when they talk to others, especially with family members. This will destroy the

mood of talks with your family member with disability and may withdraw

himself/herself deliberately from the family communications. You can be corrective

but even then try to be positive as much as you can. Positive communication is much

influencing and effective than criticisms. Creative criticism is helpful in family but

always define limits to criticism. Let the communication be appreciating, encouraging,

supporting and soothing.

Let it be more than just verbal

Let the communication with your family member with disability be more than just a

verbal expression. The presence of parents conveys the messages of safety, love and

concern to the kids especially when they have some disability and need the feeling of

warmth. Use gestures of affection lavishly in the communication. A kiss, a hug, an

appreciation, a thumps up gesture, everything can tell more than words can do.

Be clear, be gentle and be precise

Being clear, gentle and precise is the rule applicable to any communication; so is to

family communication. Do not leave blanks for others to assume or interpret in family

communication. If you want to say something to the family member with disability,

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make your point clear in the most pleasing way. Being calm and gentle when you

communicate is helpful to invite the attention and action of the family member.

4. Test for psychological empowerment of parents

Assess to what extend each statement applies to you:

Use the provided scale: 3 – it’s fully applies to me; 2 – to some extend its applies to me;

1; It doesn’t apply to me; 0 – I can decide

1. I believe that I have resources to cope with the daily situations within my family.

2. I know that I am reliable parent.

3. I can find something positive even in a difficult life situation that occurs within

my family.

4. I know that my family member with disability has values and strengths.

5. Behind disability of my family member I see opportunities for him/her.

6. I believe that my family member with disability is an equal citizen of the society.

7. When I couldn’t support my family member with disability I know who can help

us.

8. I could listen my family member with disability attentively even that I disagree

with his/her position.

9. I could take the point of my family member with disability.

10. I know what the best is for my family member with disability.

11. I leave my family member to disclose his/her disability whenever s/he

decides.

12. I am aware of available resources for the support of my family member with

disability in terms of his/her daily needs and educational ones.

13. I let my family member with disability to gain his/her own experience despite

my concerns.

14. I know how to react when someone has inappropriate behaviour toward my

family member with disability.

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15. I feel calm when my family member with disability has fun with other peers

without disability.

16. I feel gratitude when someone recognises the abilities of my family memberwith disability.

17. I believe that my family member with disability has a capacity and resources

to cope with difficult daily situations.

18. I accept a criticism towards the approaches that I use in the interaction with

my family member with disability.

19. I accept that the future of my family member with disability depends on

him/her rather on my own decisions and actions.

20. I know that I as a person have needs and desires as much valuable as those

of my family member with disability.

21. I don’t neglect my personal life.

22. I am open to various opportunities for support I could receive in terms of

care and well-being of my family member with disability.

Please calculate your result and if the final score is under 33 then you need to go back

to the e-SUNET training materials and to review them more extensively. In addition

you can ask a professional in the field of disability to help you to complete the

challenging topics. If you final score is up to 33 then you can consider yourself well

informed, well prepared and psychologically empowered maybe with the support of e-

SUNET training materials.

Practical part

5. Words of Encouragement and Praise

Person with disability thrives on positive attention.

Each human being need to feel loved and appreciated. By selecting and using some of

the phrases below on a daily basis with your family member with disability, you will

find that s/he will start paying more attention to you and will try harder to please.

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We could suggest some praise and words of encouragement:

Yes

Good

Fine

Very good

Very fine

Excellent

Marvellous

That’s right

Wonderful

I like the way you do that

I’m pleased with (proud of ) you

That’s good

Wow

Very nice

Good work

Great going

Good for you

That’s the way

Much better

O.K. You’re doing better

That’s perfect

Good idea

What a clever idea

Good job

Well done

6. Complete the following sentences with appropriate words.I like the way you ______

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Just like this ______

I noticed that you ____

Keep it up

I had fun ______ with you

You are improving at ______ more and more

You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______

I appreciate the way you ______

You are great at that

You’re the best

Good remembering

That’s beautiful

I like your______

I like the way you ______ without having to be asked (reminded)

I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter

Now you’ve got it

I love you

I believe you.

You can.

Keep trying…

Go ahead…

Carry on…

Don’t give up…

You can SHOW them how you feel as well as tell them:

Smile Nod Part on shoulder, head, knee Wink

Signal or gesture to signify approval or understanding:

High five Touch cheek Tickle Laugh (with, not at) Pat on the back Hug

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7. Positive thinking

Fig. 4.7 Happy family of person with disability

Theoretical part

7.1 What is positive thinking? How to foster in your family member

with disability

Positive thinking is a mental attitude that perceives situations in a constructive way. It

does not mean ignoring the negative. Rather, a positive thinker acknowledges a

situation and looks at it productively.

Positive thinking is most effective when a person encounters neutral life events, such

as starting a new job, meeting a new teacher, or beginning the first day of school. In

these more ambiguous encounters, our perspective carries the most weight.

7.2 Can person with disability grasp the concept of positive thinking?

Yes. Positive thinking is an innate capacity partly due to cognitive changes during

middle childhood till mature, however it might be influenced during the lifetime by

social and economic factors such as: barriers caused by disability, limited access to

social community activities, lack of opportunities for education and professional

realisation, low income of the family etc.

In early childhood the parents are given simple, binary instructions on how emotions

work, such as, “If you go to a birthday party, you are going to be happy. If you heard

your finger with a needle, you are going to be sad.”; “If your schoolmates play with

you, neglecting your disability, you will be happy. If you are alone during the breaks

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while your peers without disability are enjoying at the schoolyard you could be

gloomy”.

At the age of five, these guidelines become more complex and continue throughout

middle childhood.

5-year olds can connect thought with emotion

A role play game involving 90 children from 5 to 10 years old has been organised. Each

child has been asked to listen to six illustrated scenarios, which featured two

characters. The characters jointly experience the same positive event (and feel good),

negative event (and feel bad), or ambiguous event (and feel okay). Afterward, one

character thinks a positive thought, while the other thinks a negative thought. Forinstance, in one ambiguous scenario, the characters are about to meet a new teacher.

One character thinks negatively, “She’s going to be mean and give us lots of

homework,” while the other thinks positively, “She’s going to be fun and read us

stories.”

After explaining the character’s reaction, the facilitators asked the child what they

thought and recorded their responses.

The study showed children as young as five can understand the principles of positive-

thinking: a positive thought makes you feel better and a negative thought makes you

feel worse. What’s more, children are better at understanding the influence of positive

thinking in situations that were ambiguous.

Children a few years older are even better at applying positive thinking. Many studies

show seven and eight year olds use distraction to help cope with anxiety. When asked

how they deal with the fear of receiving a needle from the doctor, they suggest

thinking of a happy time, such as eating ice cream. In contrast, younger kids tend to

suggest more tangible distractions, such as playing with a toy.

No matter at what age the person is remembers that positive thinkers are more

resilient.

When it is fostered, positive thinking is a powerful coping tool and helps foster

resilience. A person including the one with disability learns to better manage life’s

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inevitable disappointments: not making a sports team, rejection from a school

programme, or failing a test. There are number of cases where people with disabilities

have been trained to think optimistically and the results shows that they are less likely

to develop depression later in life. Again it shows that consequently, a positive-

thinking people become a more resilient one.

How to make a special moment?

Choose something that would constitute an achievement for your family member with

disability and make a funny noise or do a silly dance every time they do it. It’ll make

you and your family member laugh plus you’ll be sure to remember that achievement

and so be able to share it with friends and family.

It’s a wonderful way to celebrate the thing they achieved, it doesn’t cost anything and

it really highlights the positive moments in your day. And it might make other people

smile as they are watching someone who is enjoying.

7.3 How can parents foster positive thinking?

Be a model

The more optimistic a parent, the better a person with disability understands the

principles of positive thinking. Interpret things in your own life positively. Express it

openly and in conversation with your family member with disability.

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Fig. 4.8 Emotions circle

For example, before the first day of class, ask, “Tomorrow is your first day of school.

What are all the good things you are looking forward to?”

If the person with disability feels anxious, help him/her reframe his/her thoughts: “If

you feel worried about starting a new school year, it is just going to make you feel

worse.

Why don’t we think about the positive things that can happen today at school?

i.e.:

“You will meet new children who will soon become your friends. “

“You might disclose your disability and the teacher will support you to acquire useful

skills.”

“You will enjoy playing with your schoolmates.”

“Going to school will give you a chance to express your talent.”

“The time will pass quicker when you are at school surrounded by happy people.”

“During the classes you will learn many useful things.”

The earlier a person learns to apply this technique, the more effective they become at

using it.

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Acknowledge when something bad happens

Positive thinking does not mean dismissing the negative. If your person with disability

is recovering from a broken arm, for instance, acknowledge the pain: “It hurts and I

understand it makes you feel upset.” Then demonstrate how you can reframe the

negative situation by saying, “If we dwell on the fact your arm hurts, it is going to make

us miserable. Why don’t we think of all the cool things we can do with the cast such as

drawing funny signs and signatures of your peers?” This reframing technique

helps foster resilience of the person with disability.

7.4 Key points to remember

Positive thinking is a mental attitude that perceives situations in a constructive

way.

People no matter if they disability or not as young as five are able to grasp the

principles of positive thinking.

People no matter if they disability or not get better at understanding positive

thinking as they get older.

When it is nurtured, positive thinking is a powerful coping tool and helps builds

resilience in a person.

Parents can encourage positive thinking by modelling it in their own life.

Always acknowledge a negative situation or feeling. Then help your family

member with disability see it in a way that is positive and productive.

Positive thinking can help both you and person with disability to leave easier.

Positive thinking can also help you to present the disability of your family

member in a positive manner in front of other people from your surrounding

community.

Positive thinking will help you to find solutions and to cope with limitations

caused by disability.

Positive thinking will help you to find the right people at the right time to

support you in different perspectives.

Positive thinking will help you to put the emphasis on the resources rather than

on the gaps.

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Practical part

7.5 Positive thinking exercise

Try this exercise to get you into the habit of spending more time thinking positive

thoughts about things that have gone well and why.

People who do this positive thinking exercise say they feel happier, less worried and

less sad.

1. Each day for the next week, give yourself 10-15 minutes before you go to sleep

to write down three things that went well and why. This could be something as

simple as ‘My son gave me a nice smile this morning’. Or it might be a major

event – for example, ‘I booked our family holiday’.

2. Underneath each ‘This went well today’; write what you did to make it happen.

For example, if you put ‘My son gave me a nice smile today’, you could write, ‘I

smiled and he smiled back’.

3. It might feel odd to do this at first, but it gets easier with practice. Try to give it

a go for a week. Check your notes at the end of the week.

4. Share this exercise with family and friends.

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7.6 How to welcome positive behaviour

We are suggesting these general recommendations which can reduce the need of

intervention by a psychologist who can help you to form your positive thinking andpositive behaviour at highest level. These seven recommendations are supposed to

serve you to set the basis of positive thinking as well as to welcome positive behaviour

in a way that will ensure smooth and less stressful daily life.

This is simply a list, not a hierarchical presentation – the first one is not more

important than the second and the tenth is neither the least nor the most important.

Human beings tend to rank things by importance … so try to avoid doing that while

reading.

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1. Develop “A Yes” orientation

We all know that there are too many “no’s” in our daily activities. There is a

tremendous amount of power in the ability to say ‘no’ to someone’s request. That’s a

power that’s tempting to use. Often when we say “no” we mean, “Yes, but later.”

There is a huge difference between those two statements. Even, when you clarify “no”

and say, “No, not right now” – the word that is heard is “NO!!” “Yes, we can do that

when we are done here,” feels much more like the desire has been heard,

acknowledged and accepted. Let’s face it; many people with disabilities have learned

that they can turn a “no” into a “Yes” by engaging in any number of behaviours. But

why make them do that? Giving a realise “Yes” immediately solves so many problems.

Becoming “yes oriented” is much more difficult than you might imagine. It involves

rethinking how you respond and evaluating the effect of your words. It involves

breaking the “no” habit, which is a hard habit to break.

Some people become immune to “no” when it is used as forcefully about a cookie

before dinner as it is for stepping in front of a bus. So make it such that “no” means

“no” only when “no” is an argument rather than denial.

2. Choices

Consider the following conversation and its outcome:

Jackson: Hey, Mirranda, do you want to do the dishes tonight?

Mirranda: Um, no.

Jackson: But it’s your turn, you’ll be letting everyone else down. I’ll have to write this

up in your programme. Are you sure you don’t want to do the dishes?

Mirranda: Um, yes.

Jackson: You need to get into the kitchen and do the dishes right now! It’s your night.

Mirranda goes into the kitchen and start talking on the phone with her relatives. After

a while her anxiety starts to grow and she ended up with breaking some plates.

The basic advice here is not to offer a choice unless you are willing to have a choice

made. The moment Jackson indicated through his question that Mirranda had a

choice, Jackson needs to respect the choice that was made. Instead of doing that, he

escalates (something we rarely notice) and begins to force her into making the choice

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he wants her to make. His escalation leads to hers and a problem that could have been

avoided ends with broken plates. It might be argued that Mirranda isn’t smashing the

dishes because she doesn’t want to do them, but instead because she wasn’t listened

to. So, be careful with choices. People with disabilities need to have both choices and

expectations – be clear which are which in interactions.

3. Give Some Space

One of the most commonly used strategies that people with disabilities have for

dealing with negative feelings or situations is to dive into privacy. In fact, in preparing

to write this section we did a research and found that creating space (using privacy,

getting out of a situation) in dealing with anger was a recommendation on some of the

publications we reviewed (Brown, Standen, Evert, 2010 Nottingham).

Anger needs space.

Anger is contagious.

It’s important to give people time to calm themselves down. There’s a reason that

anger is almost always accompanied by a slammed door! The loud bang of the door

closing is a way of saying ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘I need to be alone right now.’

People with disabilities often don’t feel that they have permission to escape or to

leave, or, alternately, when upset, don’t remember they have this option. Just say to

your family member with disability: “I’m going to give you a bit of space right now,” in

a supportive tone … and get the hell out of there. This only works of course for

behaviours that aren’t extremely dangerous – but even if the person needs constant

supervision, you can break gaze, redirect your attention or use other strategies to

create a moment of privacy.

4. Tone, Tone, Tone

Have you ever been called ‘stupid’ or ‘incapable’ by someone’s tone of voice?

Have you ever said, ‘Don’t you speak to me in that tone?’

Have you ever been infuriated when someone speaks to you like you are a child?

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All of us have been at the brunt end of a disrespectful tone of voice.

All of us know what it is to rage not about what was said, but how it was said. We

should speak with child with disability as if speaking to adults – because, and this

needs to be said again, we are speaking to adults.

Caution: It is in moments of frustration or upset that parents are most likely to slip into

the ‘superior adult’ tone with people with disabilities.

5. Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

So far, in the previous issues of this module, the issue of boundaries has been raised

several times. We’re not going to talk here about boundaries regarding space and

privacy. Nor are we going to talk about establishing boundaries regarding your

relationship with the person with disability. We want to talk about a different

boundary – the one between person with disability’s life and your opinion.

There’s a hard boundary to establish!

One of the greatest challenges that exist is an idea that we all have (admit it), that we

know better how your pupil should live their lives. We need to get over that quickly.

People with disabilities get weary of having their lives analysed, evaluated and

commented on. If you’ve ever had a guest stay with you and inform you of all the

things you could do differently and better – you know the kind of anger that can

develop from this ‘helpful feedback’. So remembering ‘It’s not about you’ and ‘It’s not

your life to live’ and, perhaps most importantly, remembering to just ‘hush up’ every

now and then, will result in reducing the need that some people with disabilities might

feel to throw a pot at you.

6. Pay Attention

People with disabilities no matter of their age need attention and need to feel

accepted even within the family which serves as closer and friendly environment for

them.

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Being a parent of a person with disability is “24/7 job” which might be exhausted and

demanding. However you should remember that your child with disability needs your

attention and to talk and share with you his/her thoughts, feelings, an emotion,

threats, worries. What you can do just to allocate for example 15 minutes per day to

interact with your family member with disability attentively without being distracted

by phone calls, questions of other family members etc. S/he needs to know that these

15 minutes are just for him/her and your attention is kept and dedicated only to

him/her. So, simply stated, ensure that attention is not in short supply. Make sure that

interactions occur regularly and that there are predictable times when people know

that they will be able to have time to talk, work things through or just have fun.

7. Communication

Think about times that you are upset. Have you ever sat down with your family

member and said, “I’m afraid that I’m very angry right now and I think I need to have a

drink and relax?”. We don’t as humans express our feelings through words. We

communicate them through other ways that signal to others that we are upset. Those

signals are hugely adaptive and hugely important. That’s what we need to support our

family members, rather than require them to do what we don’t. We can’t expect: “Oh,

dear, I’m feeling frustrated right now and need some time to recover myself from the

intensive conversation.” Develop signals, develop an agreed upon strategy to

communicate when there is anger or frustration or a need for time alone.

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Practical part

7.7 Positive thinking tips

Fig. 4.10 Positive thinking circle

1. Only use positive words when talking – When you speak your family members and

other, try to use positive words.

Positive statements:

“Yes, you can.”,

“There is a way out.”,

“The things get better.”,

“The situation is improving”.,

“I believe…”, “I have strengths”,

“You have strengths”,

“You will succeed”

Try to avoid negative words like:

“don’t”,

”can’t”

“not,”

“won’t” and “no.”

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2. Fill your mind with positive thoughts – Constantly look for things to be positive about.

Find things you like about yourself, the person with disability, other people and your

life.

3. Celebrate – Share your successes with others. Celebrate everything that happens in

your life. No matter how big or small it is, celebrate it…even if it’s just getting out of

bed.

4. Smile – There are days when smiling is the farthest thought from your mind, but just

the simple act of smiling puts you into a more positive mind. Smile whenever you see

yourself in the mirror. Smile when you see others. Smile for no reason at all.

5. Make peace with the past – Do you think about moments in your past where you felt

embarrassed, scared or angry? Do you relive events wishing you could have done

things differently? Your emotions are connected to your thoughts. If you change your

thoughts, your emotions will change. Let go of the past. Realise what happened is in

the past and you can’t do anything to change it. But you can take change your present

and your future because that’s where your power lies.

6. Gratitude – Be grateful for your life. Keep an eye out for things to be grateful for – a

sunset, a smile from a stranger, a good moments in the family. Before long, those little

things will become bigger – a successful finish of the school year/training course,

successful performance, positive results of the rehabilitation etc.

7. Mirror technique – Whenever you see yourself in a mirror, tell yourself something you

like about yourself. If you’re having a hard day, look in the mirror and tell yourself

everything you are doing or your child is doing.

“You are fabulous. Your presentation at school today went very well and tomorrow

you will get the great feedback you deserve.”

7.8. Positive thinking activity

Look at horizons of your own life and try to identify what strategies of positive thinking might

be. When you consider your life, what behaviour, thoughts, or interactions do you think

people engage in that are the most rewarding?

Over the next week, pay careful attention to yourself and others.

When are you and your family members upbeat and engaged?

What is happening?

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What is not happening?

See if you can identify potentially effective strategies of the coming week.

Go ahead and create your own list of possible strategies here:

1.

2.

3.

4.

7.9 Reflection

Do you have any reservations about the goal of becoming a happier and positive person?

Do you have any reservations about advising others including your family member with

disability on how to become happier?

Feel free to write your answers here:

7.10 Exercise “Why it’s not obvious?”

We are sure that you have some theories about how you might increase your and your family

member with disability positive thinking. Take a moment and list five things that you think

could help.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

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7.11. Exercise “Self-assessment of happiness”

Here is one exercise which you could suggest to be completed by your family member with

disability. For each of the following statements and/or questions, please ask your family

member with disability to select the point on the scale that is most appropriate in describing

him/her.

1. In general, I consider myself:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

not a very

a very happy

happy person

person

2. Compared to most of my peers, I consider myself:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

less morehappy happy

3. Some people are generally very happy. They enjoy life regardless of what is going on,

getting the most out of everything. To what extend does this characterization describe

you?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

not a great

at all deal

4. Some people are generally not happy. Although they are not depressed, they never

seem as happy as they might be. To what extent does this characterization describe

you?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

a great not at

deal all

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Scoring scheme:

Add up the four numbers that you circled and divide by 4.

The score should range from 1 (very unhappy) to 7 (very happy). For the sake of comparison,

the average score on this scale ranges from 4.5 to 5.5. Take this difference into account when

determining where you family member fall. But don’t worry so much about how you compare

to the average. The take-home message here is that you can use the strategies in this course to

raise your family member with disability’s positive thinking and happiness above this number!

Think back to the things you listed earlier with the respect to your family member with

disability – what would make him/her happy? Did anything qualify changes in his/her life

circumstances rather than experience or activities?

7.12 Exercise “Positive thinking – gratitude and optimism”

Using the scale below as a guide, write a number beside each statement to indicate how much

you agree with it. The exercise could be done also by your family member with disability.

1 – strongly disagree

2 – disagree

3 – slightly disagree

4 – neither agree nor disagree

5 – slightly agree

6 – agree

7 – strongly agree

___ 1. I have so much in life to be thankful for.

___ 2. If I had to list everything that I felt grateful for, it would be a very long list.

___ 3. When I look at the world, I don’t see much to be grateful for.

___ 4. I am grateful to a wide variety of people.

___ 5. As I get older (or become adult), I find myself more able to appreciate the people, and

situations that have been part of my life history.

___ 6. Long amounts of time can go by before I feel grateful to something or someone.

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Scoring scheme:

Note that items 3 and 6 are “reverse scored”, so you would subtract the score you gave or you

family member with disability gave from 8 before considering this score as an indication of

your/his/her sense of gratitude and positive thinking.

This exercise is a matter of reflection for you and your family member with disability. It

enables both of you to think and discuss your thoughts. Some people naturally go through life

and see much to value and are thankful for. For others, this does not come as naturally. But

fortunately, there is reason to believe that most everyone can increase his or her experience of

gratitude and positive thinking. What do you think?

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Documents

Psychological Empowerment