PROCESSING SKILLS - t · PDF fileCoaching for Action Demonstrations Create, Promote, Allow Laser Coaching ... Jack Canfield and The Success Principles are trademarks of Self Esteem

Processing Skills 1 Copyright © 2016 Self Esteem Seminars, L.P. All Rights Reserved. Jack Canfield and The Success Principles

are trademarks of Self Esteem Seminars, L.P.

PROCESSING SKILLS Introduction to This Principle

In this module we will be focusing on Processing Skills. As a transformational trainer, and as you dive deeper into more personal work, a background in processing skills is helpful. Processing is a way to help someone who is stuck to move through whatever is keeping them stuck. Many times these incidents are tied to deep emotional experiences from a person’s past, other times it may be much simpler. Having experience in processing and coaching someone is helpful.

In This Principle Concepts

Tips on How to Respond to Sharing Awareness and Feelings Guilt and Resentment EFT Tapping Transforming Your Inner Critic to Your Inner Coach The Sedona Method Zones of Awareness Coaching for Action

Demonstrations Create, Promote, Allow Laser Coaching The 5-Minute Phobia Cure

Exercises Create, Promote, Allow The Guilt and Resentment Process The Five-Minute Phobia Cure Transforming Your Inner Critic Tri-Sync Integration Positive Affirmation Exercise Removing Blocks

Worksheets Total Truth Letter Where Do You Need to Tell the Truth? Questions for the Guilt Process Three Question Debrief Questions for the Resentment Process Identifying and Removing Blocks to My Success Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet by Byron Katie



Context

In this module we will be focusing on tips to improve processing skills. Processing Skills improve overtime, but if you can pay close attention to this section you will be much more prepared when interacting with your groups, students, and colleagues.

Overview

Listening and knowing how to respond to your participants and clients is key to becoming a great trainer. Beyond listening and responding inquisitively, pay attention to those you are interacting with as far as their body language. Facial expressions, crossing of the arms, legs, fidgeting, nail biting, and other things like this are important cues to pick up on.

Objective

To create a heightened sense of awareness to what is happening in the room you are facilitating and having the necessary response to support the growth of the client.

Procedure

Read the following pages, and review them often, until they become natural responses and or awareness.



Tips on How to Respond to Sharing After a Large Group, Share Your Response as the Trainer:

• “Thank you for sharing!” • Acknowledgement, applause.

Follow Up with Questions to the Group: • “How many of you feel the same way/have ever felt the same way?” • “How many of you can relate to what he/she is sharing?” • “You are not the Lone Ranger!” • “How many of you feel closer to him after listening to his sharing?”

After a Small-Group Discussion, Have Participants Share Their Responses: • “Find a partner, and I’ll give you each 2–4 minutes to talk about your experiences in the

group.”

Result of Sharing in the Room: • By acknowledging the group for sharing it gives participants permission to risk, share, be

open, and you are modeling what they should do in the future with their groups and teams.

Directions to Those Who Are Sharing — Encourage Eye Contact: • “Can you make eye contact with me (or someone in the group) as you speak?” • “Who are you talking to?”

Listen Closely to Those Who Are Sharing • Listen for lack of affect and emotion, flat voice, monotone. • Listen for where feelings break through in their voice. • “Say that again … louder!” • “Make eye contact with someone and say that again.”

A Technique to Use When You Want Students to Own What They are Saying — Bringing Awareness to the Responsibility Factor and That They are Responsible for Their Results – I call this “Rounds.”

Direct the participant to repeat the sentence to a series of people, for example: • “I am tired of being alone. I want to have more friends.” • “When I am afraid, I withdraw into myself and avoid contact.” • “I keep myself lonely by not asking for what I want.”

Next, have the participant make a specific request of you, another participant, or a series of participants. Learning to ask clearly and specifically is important. Work for specificity:

• “I would like to join you for lunch.” • “I want to be able to call you for advice. Can I do that?”

Make sure they say “I” (not “you”) when there are talking about themselves: • INCORRECT: “You know how you feel when you make a mistake...”



• CORRECT: “I feel really stupid when I make a mistake.”

Make a distinction between thoughts and feelings – Your Thoughts Create Your Feelings: • Feelings occur as sensations in the body. Common feelings are: Anger, sadness, scared,

mad, anxious, happy, excited, depressed, lonely, frustrated, irritated, and unhappy. • To heighten the connection to the feeling, you can ask participants, “Where do you feel that in

your body?” or “What sensations are you feeling in your body that you are calling sadness?”

A Simple Process to Use to Release Blocks While Processing Someone on Feelings:

Use the following Script.

“What are you feeling?

Where are you feeling it in your body?

Go back to the earliest time you can remember feeling this same way.

Let me know when you are there (pause).

Where are you? Who else is there? How old are you?

What is happening?

What do you want?

What decisions are you making?” (pause)

“Now imagine you are your 80 years old self, with all the experience and wisdom you would ever need, what advice is your 80-year-old self giving you now?”

Typically, the answer is rational, and then you can ask, “Now is that reassuring?” bringing more clarity to the participant, reminding him or her that all feelings come from thoughts.

A Process to Use When You Ask A Question and The Answer is “I Don’t Know” — The Simple Response as a Trainer is:

• “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

• “Take 3 wild guesses, and they don’t have to be right.”

• “So who should we ask?”

A Process to Use When You Hear “I’m Afraid” — The Simple Response to that as a Trainer is to Ask Clarifying Questions:

• “What are you afraid of?”

• “What are you afraid might happen?”

• “What are you visualizing or imagining will happen if you do that?”

• “How are you scaring yourself? Say, ‘I scare myself by imagining ___________.’”

• “What kind of support would you need to take the action you need to take?”

FACILITATOR TIP: Remember that all fear is self-created by visualizing future negative outcomes.



A Process to Use When You Hear “I Don’t Know How To….” — The Simple Response to that as a Trainer is:

• “How could you find out?”

• “Is there anyone in the group who can coach him/her on this?” (This could be done now,

on a break, over lunch or outside the group).

• “Is there anyone in the group (who you think might know how) who you could ask for

guidance or support?”

• “Who could you ask for help on this?”

• “So what do you normally do when you don’t know what to do? (Nothing, freeze,

retreat, veg out, quit, give up?)”

A Process to Use If A Person is Upset (irritated, angry, really frightened, in deep pain, crying, plugged in or emotionally stimulated):

• Give the participant space and time to talk about it, cry, etc. • Have the participant direct his or her feelings or communication to the person who they are

upset with. • If the person is in the room, have the participant communicate with that person if he or she is

willing to listen. • Have the participant role-play with someone in the room to represent the real person the

participant is upset with (who is not in the room). • With eyes closed, ask the participant to imagine speaking directly to the real person (the

person can be dead or alive).

In Every Process - Always be looking to have the person take more responsibility for his or her experience.

• “How are you creating that?”

• “How did you create that?”

• “What are you avoiding?”

• “What are you pretending not to know?”

• “What would you do differently to stop creating that?”

Confront any blaming, complaining, explaining away, or deflecting responsibility.

For example:

“I don’t feel connected to anyone in the room.”

Ask:

• “How are you creating that?”

• “How are you isolating yourself?”

• “What are you doing to keep yourself separate and isolated?”



Typical Answers:

• “I always stand on the periphery of the group.”

• “Waiting for someone to approach me.”

• “Judging everybody as different, less than, better than me.”

• “Thinking no one will like me... imagining I’ll be rejected if I approach someone.

Avoiding eye contact.”

• “Engaging in superficial conversations that don’t fulfill me.”

Listen for words like can’t — Interrupt “I can’t.”

Have the participant change it to “I won’t,” “I choose not to,” “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t know how.”

Enough is enough … Know when to stop:

• Integration time. • Can’t do everything in one session. • How do you eat a watermelon? One bite at a time.

Remember, you are working with a whole group.

Pay attention to the group energy.

Don’t lose the group over one person’s resistance or boredom.

You can say something like,

“Let’s stop here and digest what you have gotten so far. We can always come back to this later.”

Or

“Let’s stop here, and you and I can continue to discuss this during the next break.”

Be sensitive to the time of day. People are more tired after lunch and in the afternoon.

• Take a break after a long, deep, emotionally stimulating or draining session. • If a lot of people are “plugged in” (emotionally stimulated) after a particular exercise or sharing,

you can break a larger group into dyads or triads and have them share with each other. Give them each the same amount of time (say 2-5 minutes) to share, and tell them to switch at the designated time. This makes sure everyone gets to express their thoughts and feelings. If it is an extremely deep or stimulating experience, you can have them do a Heart Talk.

Getting everybody up and moving to music, playing a game, or getting hugs are also good things to do — it moves any heavy or negative energy.

Some additional things to look for…

Look to their body for cues:



Eyes: • Making eye contact or avoiding eye contact • Frightened looking • Sad looking, watery, tearing • Darting around or steady gaze

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming): • Looking Up (visual recall & visual creating) • Looking Down (feelings) • Looking Sideways (auditory)

Mouth: • Smiling • Frowning • Gritting teeth • Smirking • Jaw quivering as if trying to suppress crying • Jaw clenched as if angry • Quizzical look

Hands: • Available for contact • In their pockets • Held behind their back • Pleading position • Picking at themselves or their nails • Fists • Tapping • Frozen • Protecting their crotch • Folded, arms folded • Reaching out • Pushing away • Sitting on their hands

Legs and Feet: • Crossed • Shaking or tapping • Standing on their other foot • Solid powerful stance, feet apart • Feet together, easy to tip over • Defiant stance, one leg in front of the other • Standing on their toes or on one foot solid and one leg cocked



Voice: • Loud, too loud • Soft, withdrawn, whispery, timid • Sing song • Childlike baby voice • Monotone • Questioning (upturn in tone at the end of sentence) • Talking too fast, machine gun delivery • Harsh, angry, scary • Irritatingly high pitch • No pauses between sentences or thoughts • Afraid of losing the listener’s attention

Using Your Own Reactions as Data: • Boredom • Confusion • Irritation, agitation frustration, anger • Fear • Interest, lack of interest • Inconsistency • Sadness • Curiosity, Fascination • Attraction, repulsion



Awareness and Feelings – Concept Context

This exercise provides a format that allows each person the permission to express all the emotions present in any circumstance and relationship. The exercise dramatically reinforces the concept that there is some level at which we created, promoted, or allowed all of our experiences and feelings. This is also sometimes referred to as the 'Total Truth Process or Letter.'

Overview

The theory behind this exercise is that the truth is never a little piece. The theory of the Total Truth process is that we all have emotions, and they come in layers.

Objectives

Participants will be able to have full acceptance and expression of their feelings. They will achieve a state of emotional release and inner calm. They will learn a model for sharing their feelings with others.

Support

PowerPoint slides



Awareness and Feeling – Create, Promote, Allow Concept The reason it is called the “total” truth is because often when we are upset we do not communicate all our true feelings. We get stuck at the level of anger or the hurt, and rarely move to emotional “completion.” Consequently, it is often difficult for us to feel close or at ease with the person following a confrontation. To get to the deepest and most honest level of intimacy and emotional closure, we need to go through all these stages.

Here is a brief description of the 6 layers of emotion:

Anger and Resentment I’m angry that … I’m fed up with … I hate it when … I resent … I don’t like it when … I can’t stand …

Hurt It hurt me when … I feel awful about … I feel hurt that … I felt sad when… I feel sad when … I feel disappointed about …

Fear: fear of others and fear of self I was afraid that … I’m afraid that … I feel scared when … I get afraid of you when…

Remorse, Regret, Accountability I’m sorry that … I’m sorry for … Please forgive me for … I didn’t mean to …

Wants All I ever want(ed) … I want(ed) … I want you to … I deserve …

Love, Compassion, Forgiveness and Appreciation I understand that … I forgive you for … I appreciate … Thank you for … I love you because … I love you when … I forgive you for…, and I forgive myself for …

We want to get to the deepest level of forgiveness, understanding, compassion and love, but to get to that level we need to go through those prior emotions first.



The Total Truth Letter Letter to:

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm angry that...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

It hurts me when...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

I am afraid that...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm sorry that...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

I want you to...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

I love you for...

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________



Where Do You Need to Tell the Truth? In the following categories, jot down the relationships and situations where you need to tell the truth,

share your resentment or give appreciation. Note what you'll tell each person - and when:

On the Job

Subject: Who You'll Tell:

What You'll Tell Them: By What Date:

With Your Partner



With Your Family



With Your Friends



About Your Finances



With Your Business Partner



Anyone/Anything Else





The Guilt and Resentment Process Context

This exercise is designed to help participants eliminate negative emotions such as guilt and resentment.

Overview

Sensitizing participants to the mechanism by which they create their negative feelings empowers them to choose and create other more positive, life-affirming internal experiences, if they desire.

Objectives

Participants will experience a step-by-step method for eliminating the negative emotions of guilt and resentment.

Procedure

First, demonstrate the process by taking a volunteer through the questions.

Then divide people into partners and have them decide who is A and who is B. Have B ask A the questions first. Allow 8 minutes for partner A. Then stop the participants and have them switch roles. Tell them to go through more than one issue if they finish before the 8 minutes are up.



The Guilt and Resentment Process – Exercise Context

This exercise is designed to help participants eliminate negative emotions such as guilt and resentment.

Overview

Sensitizing participants to the mechanism by which they create their negative feelings empowers them to choose and create more positive, life-affirming internal experiences if they desire.

Objectives

Participants will experience a step-by-step method for eliminating the negative emotions of guilt and resentment.

Procedure

First demonstrate the process by answering the questions yourself.

Then divide people into partners and have them decide who is A and who is B. Have B ask A the questions first. Allow 8 minutes for partner A. Then stop them and have them switch roles. Tell them to go through more than one issue if they finish before the 8 minutes are up.



Questions for the Guilt Process 1. What action or non-action do you feel guilty about? 2. What belief or “should” about yourself does that action or non-action violate? 3. What is unrealistic about that belief or “should?” 4. In relation to this action or non-action, can you change your past behavior? 5. So how can you get rid of the guilt? What do you feel guilty for? What Why?

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

Guilt is the result of having a belief about how you should or shouldn't be and an action or inaction that violates that belief. To get rid of guilt, you must change your belief of your actions. Remember, you cannot change your past actions, only your present and future ones.



Three Question Debrief

What did I get in touch with?

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

What could I do with a result of this insight?

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

What will I do to move forward?

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________



Questions for the Resentment Process 1. Who do you resent? 2. What action or non-action do you resent them for? 3. What belief or expectation about how they “should be” does their action or non-action violate? 4. What is unrealistic about your beliefs and expectations? 5. Can you change them or their action? 6. How does keeping this unrealistic belief make you feel? 7. Is it worth it? 8. How can you get rid of the resentment?

Who do you resent?

Who Why?

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________

_________________ __________________________________________________________



Laser Coaching – 8-Step Model Get permission to coach.

Q: Would you like some coaching on this?

Help the participant CLEARLY define the outcome. Q: What is it that you truly want? How will you know when it is handled? What does success look

like?

Identify importance. Q: Why is that so important to you?

Identify the consequences of NOT taking action. Q: What has it, does it, or will it cost you if you continue on this path?

Identify any blocks (mental, emotional, physical). Q: What is holding you back from handling this? What justifications or rationalizations have you used

to keep yourself from moving forward?

Decide on an action (action plan) and break down that action to the very next step. Elicit a commitment to start today. Q: What is the very next [make sure it is one simple action] step that will get you moving, ASAP?

(Today!) (In the next 15 minutes)

Create accountability – elicit a consequence (penalty) to another person for not taking the actions agreed to. Q: Besides me, who or what can you use as leverage to ensure you follow through on your

commitment?

Acknowledge & reward, reward, reward.



The Five-Minute Phobia Cure – Exercise Dr. Roger Callahan’s Five-Minute Phobia Cure

This technology was developed by Dr. Roger Callahan. It is used primarily for phobias but works well on anything that has extreme emotions involved such as test anxiety or fear of speaking in front of groups. No one knows exactly how it works, but it is thought to change the charge on stored files in your neurology. It hits every place you store memory—visual, auditory, feelings, intuition and logic.

This is perhaps the most dramatic demonstration of simply nullifying a charged fear that you have ever seen. Someone who has a severe phobia of anything and has spent a lifetime of suffering and funds on therapy can literally be cured within 5 minutes.

Before starting muscle test for psychological reversal. Have them say, “I totally and unconditionally love and accept myself just the way I am.” If they test weaker, they are reversed. If reversed, tap heel of the hand (see the diagram in Step 5) 35 times. Then retest. If they are now stronger, continue. Even if someone is not reversed, tapping will not cause them to become reversed. All tapping is beneficial.

Step 1

Have the person get into the fear by imaging or remembering being in contact with whatever scares them. If possible have the stimulus right there (spider, snake, ladder, etc.). Describe a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being the fear at its worst and 1 having no fear at all. Have the person give you a number between 1 – 10 as a reference point for the current fear level.

Step 2

Then say, “I’m going to tap,” and begin tapping the person under both eyes with two of your fingers about 35 times.

Step 3

Next, tap area shown on the left hand while having the person open her eyes, and while keeping her head straight, look to the lower left, then the lower right, move eyes around in circle one way, then the other, close eyes, open eyes, hum a song, and count out loud from 1 to 10.

Step 4

Again have the person close her eyes and imagine the fearful experience. Ask, “On a scale of 1 – 10, how much fear do you have now?”

Step 5

If the level is 3 or lower, then the exercise is complete.



If the level is above 3, tap the heel of the left hand and have the person repeat after you: “I deeply and profoundly (or totally) unconditionally love and accept myself even though I have a fear of.…” (have the person fill in the blank).

Step 6

Repeat Steps 2 to 5.

Step 7

If the number is still above a 3, next say, “Let’s just do it one more time to be sure.” Once again, repeat Steps 2 to 5.



EFT Tapping – Script Use EFT Tapping to release any fear, limiting belief or negative feeling such as anger or guilt.

Determine the intensity level of the discomfort, fear, belief or problem on a scale of 1–10.

Tap the Karate Chop Point (heel of hand) and repeat 3 times:

“Even though I (insert problem statement), I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.” For example, “Even though I am afraid of being rejected, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

Now tap all the points (about 5 times), starting from the top of the head and ending with the underarm point. As you tap each point, repeat a shortened version of the Problem Statement, which is called the Reminder Phrase (i.e., “I am afraid of being rejected,” “fear of rejection,” “I don’t believe I can do it,” “my self doubt”) on each point at the same time as you tap.

After several rounds of tapping on the main points, stop and close your eyes and do a self-check to see what the level of intensity of the feeling or belief is now. If it is down to a 3 or lower, you can tap a round or two with the following statement:

“Even though I (insert problem statement), I now choose to…”

“Even though I have this fear of rejection, I now choose to ask people to enroll in my seminars.”

If the number is still higher than a 3, just tap more rounds until the number comes down. As you use EFT Tapping to release a limiting belief or a negative feeling, remember, you can’t get this wrong. The order of the points, the phrases are not written in stone. Focus on the feeling, and do the best you can. The results you’ll get will truly amaze you.

For more information on EFT (books and video training guides), go to www.eftuniverse.com or visit www.tftrx.com. There are also lots of videos on YouTube that demonstrate EFT and Tapping.



EFT Tapping Points



Transforming Your Inner Critic Transforming Your Inner Critic to Your Inner Coach

One of the most powerful exercises for retraining your inner critic is to teach it to tell you the whole truth. To transform your inner critic into your inner coach, you have to understand a core principle. Most self-criticism and self-judgment is motivated by love. Part of you is trying to motivate the rest of you to do something for your own good. Just like your parents, your inner critic really has your best interests in mind when it is criticizing you. It wants you to do better because it wants you to get the benefit of the better behavior. The problem is that it only tells you part of the truth.

When you were a little kid, your parents may have yelled at you and sent you to your room after you did something stupid like run out in front of a car. Their real communication was, “I love you. I don’t want you to get hit by a car. I want you to stay around so that I can enjoy watching you grow up into a happy and healthy adult.”

But they only delivered half of the message. “What’s wrong with you? Were you born without a brain? You know better than to run out into the street when there are cars coming. You’re grounded for the next hour. Go up to your room and think about what you just did.” In their fear of losing you, they only expressed their anger. But underneath the anger were three more layers of message that never got delivered — fear, specific requests, and love. A complete message would look like this:

Anger: “I am mad at you for running out into the street without looking to see if any cars were coming.”

Fear: “I am afraid that you are going to get badly hurt or killed. ”

Requests: “I want you to pay more attention when you are playing near the street. Stop and look both ways before you walk or run out into the street. ”

Love: “I love you so much. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are so precious to me. I want you to be safe and healthy. You deserve to have lots of fun and stay safe so you can always enjoy life to its fullest. Do you understand?”

What a different message! You need to train your inner critic to talk to you the same way. You can practice this on paper or as a verbal exercise in which you talk to yourself out loud. I usually imagine talking to a clone of myself sitting in an empty chair opposite me.

Make a list of all the things you say when you are judging about yourself. Include all of the things that you tell yourself you should do that you don’t do. A typical list might look like this.

• You don’t exercise enough. • You’re gaining too much weight. • You’re a fat slob — a real couch potato! • You drink too much alcohol and eat too many sweets. • You need to cut down on the carbs! • You need to watch less television and go to bed earlier. • If you got up earlier, you’d have more time to exercise. • You’re lazy. Why don’t you finish the things you start!?! • You start an exercise program, but you never stick with it!



• You’re irresponsible. You don’t keep your word.

Once you have completed your list, practice communicating the same information using the same 4-step process outlined above: (1) Anger, (2) Fear, (3) Requests, and (4) Love. Spend a minimum of one minute on each step. Make sure to be very specific in the requests stage. State exactly what you want yourself to do. “I want you to eat better” is too vague. Be more specific, such as “I want you to eat at least four servings of vegetables every day. I want you to cut out French fries and desserts. I want you to eat some kind of fruit for breakfast every day. I want you to eat whole grains like whole wheat and brown rice rather than white flour.” The more specific you are, the more value you will receive from the exercise. I recommend you do it out loud with as much emotion and passion as possible.

Here are examples of what it might sound look like using the list of judgments listed above.

Anger:

“I am angry at you for not taking better care of your body. You are such a lazy slob! You drink too much and you eat too much. You don’t have any self-discipline! When are you going to get it together? You’re lazy! All you do is sit around and watch TV. I can’t stand how lazy you are. You just get fatter and more out of shape every year. Your clothes don’t fit, and you don’t look good. You disgust me!”

Fear:

“If you don’t change, I am afraid you are going to keep gaining weight until your health is really at risk. I am afraid your cholesterol is going to get so high you might have a heart attack. I’m afraid that you could become a diabetic. I am afraid that you are never going to change, and then you are going to die young and never really live out your destiny. If you keep this up, you’re never going to fulfill your dreams. I’m afraid that if you don’t start eating better and taking better care of yourself, no one is going to be attracted to you. You might end up living alone for the rest of your life.”

Requests:

“I want you to join a health club and go at least three days a week. I want you to go for a 20-minute walk the other four days. I want you to cut out one hour of television a day and devote that to exercise. I want you to stop eating fried foods and start eating more fresh fruits and vegetables. I want you to stop drinking sodas and start drinking more water. I want you to limit drinking alcohol to Friday and Saturday nights.”

Love:

“I love you. I want you to be around for a long time. I want you to have a wonderful relationship. You deserve to look good in your clothes and to feel good about yourself. You deserve to have all of your dreams come true. I want you to feel alive and energetic rather than tired and lethargic all the time. You deserve to live life fully and enjoy every moment of it. You deserve to be totally happy.”

Whenever you hear a part of you judging yourself, simply reply:



“Thank you for caring. What is your fear? … What specifically do you want me to do? … How will this serve me? … Thank you.”

FACILITATOR TIP: STORY AS EXAMPLE – JACK'S PERSONAL STORY:

The first time I experienced this Inner Critic to Inner Coach process 20 years ago, and it changed my life. After quitting my job at another training company, I had been working as a consultant and a professional speaker, but what I really wanted to do was start my own training company, train other trainers, open offices in other cities and make a huge difference in the world. But it seemed like such an overwhelming commitment, and I was afraid of failure. What’s worse, I had been regularly beating myself up for not having the courage to take the leap.

After completing the exercise, something shifted. I went beyond beating myself up to realizing how much I was missing out on by not taking the leap. I told myself clearly what I needed to do, and the following day, I outlined a business plan for the new company, asked my mother-in-law for a $10,000 loan, asked a friend to be my business partner, scheduled a meeting to draw up the incorporation papers, and began designing the letterhead.

Less than three months later I conducted my first weekend training in St. Louis for over 200 people. Less than a year later, I had offices in Los Angeles, St. Louis, Philadelphia, San Diego, and San Francisco. Since then, over 40,000 people have participated in my weekend and weeklong training programs on Self-Esteem and Peak Performance, Self-Esteem in the Classroom, the Power of Focus, Train the Trainers, Couples Relationships, Creating Wealth and Prosperity, Living Your Highest Vision, Living the Success Principles, and Breakthrough to Success.

By turning my inner critic into an inner coach,

I was able to stop feeling like a failure and

start engaging in the activities that made my dream a reality.

I was able to move from someone who was using my energy against myself to someone who was using my energy to create what I wanted.

Do not let the seeming simplicity of this technique fool you. It is very powerful. But, like everything else in this book, to obtain the value, you must use it. No one else can do it for you. Take twenty minutes now to turn your inner critic into an inner coach. Get all of you on your own side—working together for the greater good of your dreams and aspirations.



Tri-Sync Integration Positive Affirmation Exercise Context

This exercise provides a format, which allows each participant to hear synchronized positive affirmations that reframe and reinforce positive self-esteem as well as provide those positive affirmations for others.

Objective

Participants will give and receive positive, life-affirming, empowering statements to each other in such a way that they will become deeply embedded in the subconscious mind.

Support Materials

Music: “Within,” Aura Sound II by William Aura

Procedure

Get into groups of three people each. Find partners that are roughly the same height as you. This exercise is most effective directly after the Inner Critic to Inner Coach exercise. If you lead your group through both exercises, Have the first person start with Inner Critic and continue all the way through the Tri-Sync Integration before switching the person in the middle.

One person (C) stands in the middle with the two partners (A & B) standing on either side, speaking into C’s ears. C has his/her eyes closed and just listens to the statements from A&B and the facilitator.

Remind C to breathe several times during the exercise.

(A & B) place their hands on C’s shoulders and begin to repeat in their own words the words that facilitator reads from the following script. They should say them as close to after the facilitator as possible.

When the process is completed A & B hug C in a group hug. A, B, and C all get a turn in the middle.



Tri-Synch Integration Script Read this script aloud while participants A & B repeat while whispering into participant C's ears.

"Tell them to relax – let go – breathe deeply – nothing to do – let go – floating – safe – let go or you can let go or you can let go – relax – own words – let the earth hold you up – trust mother earth to support you – everything’s handled – all taken care of – nothing to do – just to breathe and to let yourself to be loved – relax – that’s right just let it go – be here now – be here now – be here now – be/here/now – all of you – simply relaxed – simple and relaxed – it’s simple to relax – just let go, just let go, just let go, just let go – breathing in love and relaxation, love and relaxation, love and relaxation.

“Let them know they are loved. I love you. Tell them they are precious – a gift – so special – unique gift to the universe – so important. You are loved. I love you. I love who you are. I loved who you are. Who you are – who you are – so special – you are so special – precious and divine – You don’t need to earn my love – I just love you for being – I love your being – I love your being you – you being you.

“You are perfect just the way you are. I love you just the way you are. We love you just the way you are. You are perfect just the way you are. You are a perfection. All you have to do is be yourself. All you have to do is be yourself. You can be yourself or you can be yourself. You can be yourself or you can... be yourself – or you can simply be yourself. You can be yourself or you can be yourself. Just the way you are – right now – that’s right. Right now – everything you want is here right now – you are alright right now – everything is alright right now – yourself right now or you could just be yourself. Life is a come as you are party. That’s right – a come as you are party. Bring all of you just the way you are.

“You can do anything you want. Anything you want. You can have anything you want. You can do anything you want. You can be anything you want. Anything. Anything. Anything at all. Just be yourself. It’s easy – just express yourself. You can do it. You are a divine creator. A magical manifestor. You can create abundance in all aspects of your life. You can start now or... you can start now. All you have to do is act now – act now – act now. Because the universe rewards action – the universe rewards action... You can have it all simply by taking action and expressing your love, your unique gift, your special qualities, your life purpose, your gift. Remember... All you have to do is to be yourself. Remember to remember to remember all of this. You are enough. You are loved. Just the way you are.

“Now you can begin to come back, to come back. Right now. Here with us.

“Feel the hands on your shoulders... Feel their hands – those are loving hands, calling you back. You now feel alert, very alert, you can hear the sounds in the room – feel their hands – feel your feet on the ground – taking a deep breath, feel it – drink it in – exhale – feel it going out.



“And now lift your hands up over your head and stretch – it feels so good – once more awake and alert. Open your eyes – you feel refreshed and relaxed and alert.

“Welcome back – very good – get a hug from your partners.

“Great work – good work – excellent."



Removing Blocks Pick something in your life you are having a hard time creating or an area you feel stuck or blocked. It can be in any area: relationships, finances, job & career, health & fitness, self-esteem, physical environment or anything else. It could also be something you need to do but can't get yourself to do. Close your eyes and than take yourself through the following questions, allowing time to respond to each question.

1. What is an area of your life where you are having a hard time creating what you want or an area where you feel stuck or blocked?

2. What does it feel like when you are trying to achieve that reality?

3. Scan your body for any pain or intense sensation you experience when you focus on that, and describe the location of it in your body. a. Describe its shape... its color... its temperature... its texture.

4. Let yourself feel any emotions or feelings that are present in it.

5. Let yourself go back to the first time you can remember ever feeling this way. a. Where were you? b. How old were you? c. Who is around you? d. What is happening? e. Was there a limiting decision you made or a limiting belief you took on there?

6. If you could go back in time and space, from what you know now, how would you coach your younger self? What would you tell yourself? What would you tell yourself about your worth? What new understandings or new interpretations could you give yourself about this event? What strengths or qualities might you have developed from this experience? What is the insight or the perfection in having had this experience associated with the block?

7. Now fast-forward yourself into the future to when you are 80 years old. Look back at yourself at the age you are now, from that perspective. What would the 80-year-old tell your current self? What insight or blessing can you find in this event? What might you not have learned or experienced if you have not had the experience? What advice do you have for yourself? (Long Pause) Now come back to the current you that is sitting in your chair, here in this room.

8. Go back to the shape of the original pain or sensation and describe how it has changed. (Sometimes it will be dissolved and sometimes it will not. If it is not, you just need to start back with the first step.)

9. Now think about your presenting issue. How does it feel now?

10. When you are ready, open your eyes and return to the room.



Identifying and Removing Blocks to My Success An area of my life where I feel stuck or blocked or I am having a hard time creating what I want: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

The feeling I feel when I think of this is: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

Where that feeling manifests itself in my body is: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

The early experience I went back to is: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

The coaching I gave my younger self is: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

The coaching my 80-year-old self gave to me is: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

I now feel: _________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________



The Emotional Scale

10. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love Passion

9. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness

8. Positive Expectation/Belief Optimism

7. Hopefulness Contentment

6. Boredom Pessimism

5. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience Overwhelm

4. Disappointment Doubt

3. Worry Blame Discouragement

2. Anger Revenge Hatred/Rage Jealousy

1. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness Fear/Greif/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness



Zones of Awareness There are 3 Zones of Awareness 1. The Outside: Things we see, hear and touch. 2. The Inside: (sensed in the body) When I am aware of what is going on in my body ... itchy foot,

ache in back, sensation or emotion (sadness, fear, happiness) etc. 3. The DMZ: Stuff we make up ... our interpretation, assumptions, imaginings, our stories

When processing a client, the goal is to help the client distinguish the difference between thought and imagination and to recognize when that have created a story about the event.

As a trainer you must remain aware of what is going on and help the client be aware of what is going on and remain in the present.

• Present... I am noticing • Past... I am remembering

The goal is to get them to live in the present, and to question their stories.

Help people make more contact with their environment. They can increase their contact or withdraw. For example, if I am upset and looking at the ground (withdrawn) instead of looking in the eyes of the person I am talking to (contact). The goal is always to increase contact with their eyes, voice and hands.

As a trainers, you want to get the client to own what they are doing. • I think • I feel • I see • I hear • I imagine • I am remembering • I am wanting • I am thinking

Get people to notice their process and to pay attention to the sensations and to recognize when they are in the present, past or imagining the future. You don't have to have to all the answers. You can use the other people in the group as a resource as well.



Coaching For Action Kathleen Seeley: The Seeley Group

The fastest way to improve performance is to improve thinking. Coaching is an approach designed to create conditions for self-directed learning and expanded thinking. Rather than providing your participants with answers, effective coaching will get them to do their own thinking and shift to solution focused problem solving.

Coaching is a partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.

Coaching helps people improve their performance and enhance the quality of their lives. As a coach you must be proficient in listening, observing and develop the skill required to adapt your approach to the specific needs of the individual being coached. Your role as coach is to provide support to enhance the skills, resources and creativity that the individual already has.

Balancing Advocacy and Inquiry

Coaching isn't about telling people how to do things, rather, helping them learn to find the power within themselves to grow.

As a coach there is a temptation to simply give the 'right' answer or give clear direction on next steps. There are times when this is appropriate however, it can be limiting; it creates a dependence on you, the coach, for the 'right' answer or the next step. Learning to balance between creating conditions for new action to emerge and giving clear direction is called balancing Advocacy and Inquiry.

When engaging in coaching conversations it is particularly important to create conditions where the person being coached is able to draw upon their own resources to find solutions to presenting challenges. This teaches others how to think, it pushes them to develop their own capacity to problem solve.

Advocacy entails explaining one's own point of view; making clear how conclusions and interpretations were reached, It involves laying out one's reasoning and thinking and inviting others to challenge it. Effective coaches distinguish between their opinions and judgments openly explaining their reasoning without aggression or defensiveness.

Inquiry means to listen with the intention to genuinely understand the thoughts and feeling of the other person. In inquiry, one must, while suspending judgment, comprehend how and why the speaker has moved from the data of his or her experience to a particular interpretation or conclusion.

Staying in inquiry demonstrates trust and belief that the client has - within them the solution to the problem or issue that they have identified. It requires a great deal of self-control and patience to stay in inquiry long enough to allow space for new solutions to emerge.



Balancing Advocacy and Inquiry is an essential skill for an effective coach and facilitator. There will be times when the participant runs out of options or potential solutions to the presenting challenge; it is at this time where a shift to advocacy, teaching or giving clear direction is essential. When the coachee runs out of solutions and they are at the edge of their knowledge, shifting to advocacy pushes the edge further and expands their level of knowledge.

As a coach it is essential to assume that the other person already has the personal resources he or she needs to move forward with whatever challenged they are facing. The coach's job is, through deep listening and skillful questioning, to help others discover their own solutions. The coach is the catalyst for self-discovery, rather than the one to determine next steps.

A coaching approach to problem solving gets people fully engages in the process; and the process is the product. The problem or challenge is their problem and challenge; the coach simply facilitates their solving it.

The problem will stay solved longer and be solved more efficiently if the individual solves it him or herself. The coach must deal with the reality as it is revealed; jointly diagnosing the issue rather than going on initial assumptions.

The coachee owns the problem, they know what will ultimately work and what actions they will take to follow through.

Learn to listen for the highest potential of the situation.

Coaching Tips, Probing Questions and Models

Tips • Always try to be helpful • Stay in touch with current reality • Do more listening and probing than suggesting • The client owns the problem and the solution • Embrace the acronym WAIT: Why Am I Talking?

Learn to Sense • When to inquire • When to advocate

Ensuring Follow Through • Always secure a clear commitment to action at the end of each conversation • Upon making commitments ALWAYS ask: "On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely are you to follow

through on this commitment?" Anything less than an 8 needs more discussion. Work to resolve that issue until they rate it at least an 8.

• Engage in regularly scheduled coaching conversations. • Always follow up on any commitments that were made in previous conversations.

Encourage Reflection • It is only through focused reflection that individuals can increase their awareness to design

future action. • Reflective questions can include: What went well? What could have gone better?



Documents

PROCESSING SKILLS - t · PDF fileCoaching for Action Demonstrations Create, Promote, Allow Laser Coaching ... Jack Canfield and The Success Principles are trademarks of Self Esteem