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SONAL CHAMPSEE

ouR MARRIAGE DEPENDS oN A DoG' 1l: tt't so FUcKING RlDlcut-ous You

;;;t;;;" ;.Leve it' It's not ev.en Ygur dog,'t even beiieve lt. It s not cvsrr /vur *"b' . . . mother, Mary, talking aboutYour husband, Jim, is on the Ph:nt

*t'l lj:.r,.^. nn t^. of vours, andyou,n"ru"*',{t#'i:}Ti'ifr i:;"'iJ*"'"*y::m;Tff :r::[:lxil;the dog. It's her dog' A monlerrt 46w' r'r:u "^l"rorrna

and made a lot of noise afiyw^y,

bothknewrtwasn'tworking,buty"Y:q"itltl^ 1..,+.,nrr",n,rrel1 himthat.He'strying,nfi f ::''T'ff T;Ir?;i';il'J.t'';#=,:tlH:TJ.'^'1,:ilJT:Hn:Til?T?Jf ,',".,T::.T"T',[.,::i,'.t":':l;"',5ntif ::*:T;:,#::?"::]i:il?;:Jil::ii?;'$,'::::l'T.l+'.lt+'r:lj+:t3*:i::::f *ilfl ff [:interrupted-bv"*:i:ru$:Jilr:lili r,;?;;;& 'o,

L"^i'" though it's the

able to concentrate; it'l -^ri--,^,,,.o "'i.o it won't be the last' A line;b,::::,":"[T[i.,f:i:"'#Trx?in1Jru;v;;;";e

it wori'l be the ras'l A line

been crossed'You'd thought there would u' i:p'i:": 11+i'-t1:'".', i:T:ii:*ff"t;H*,You'd thought tfier.e woulo De a rcPrrLvu "in V+'r.views and pet owner forums,

v"Jl*.^t.li.d fot hours'-9.o^mbing tl:o"-F--,,..^,,.^,"," readv to ti.t r"nao* aog'you'd researched for hours, comDlnB Lr'uu6rr t-^r - 'ick random dogs

reading pos ts from "u'1"9 "ti;,l:^T:' ^::'*1;:J, *J:x11 ;# e';v"; r"""a

:T*:T:: ;i i:: : ;*il:i.ffiT.T "::',i il** J :ri ::'o B u'l vou found

thritis in the city and you thought she'd

ilJi:[Tffi :""x',t'[',T#:'::#!*:nt;::;:2,;]:J:B:T:-,1:'lll::1;,':ilff ilH::H:bf{,'i-:":i,**:**.Xli1ln,$.$:,t-;:;',::,:$'fr; .t*:',.hfi "#:':J;,ii)' k'il"''v'"?Tff e":il::'::T1; ifi:"rfl,m"rt.d vou. somethtX?:;."Jn'ilffi::;;.thi.,g tor,', it around and it slaps voutime you think You ha'

back to realitY'You get up and gather your clothes.fro: tn" chair by the bed' and go to the ensurte

to sponge off the ,*.*;;i;;.-s..a before g.rii"g diess.d. The weather is overrtpe'

winter 2016 | rur urw ouARTERLY 57

SONAL CHAMPSEE

thick sticky summer in October, but the air condi-

tioner is off fo, the year' October is long past time

for air conditioning, and it's too expensive to run' You

dont look in the mirror; you don't need to see the grey

roots coming in.Jim is sitting on the edge of the bed' naked' his

U".L to you, tiiking on the phone' He's using his

soothing voice, saying "Cola's still a healthy dog over-

all, Mom, isnt he?"Therels stlll another rwo days in this ovulation

cycle. There's still time to try again before next month'

There's stil1 next month' There has been "sti-ll next

month" for the last thirry-seven months'Mary must have tried waiking Cola eariier tonight

because she called Jim to cry eariier' so tomorrow'

you'lltry knocking on the door ofJims study to try to

n.t to hi* before she does' There's no point in talking

Io him about it' He'll use that soothing voice on you'

stroke your hair and say "I know, honey, I'm sorry" and

yorr'[ L. pissed off you can't scream at him because

he's being so fucking reasonabie'You liead downstairs to the laundry room' and on

the way you shoot a dirty look at the clock on the

mantle that Mary guu. u' a wedding present' It's a

wooden monstrosity with curlicues but you dust itand polish it and splnd nights listening to it tick' You

pl,rU o,rt yoo, b,rlk cleaning supplies and start mak-'ing , p"r,. of peroxide and baking soda' The grout

U.i"r."n the bathroom tiles hasnt been scrubbed in

two week. Youd held off because the last time youd

done the grout you'd declared the floors clean enough

to eat offind iim had asked, "Who eats off the bath-

room floor?"A baby, you'd wanted to reply, but instead you re-

orgunir.d'ihe microfiber cloihs and hand-polished

th! banister with Murphy's Oil Soap' You can't bear

to hear another aPologY'You take the peroxide paste back upstairs to the

58 rHe NEW ouARTERLY I winter 2016

ensuite and apply it to the grout' Instead of wartl

for it to sink in first' you slart scrubbing away' 1

remember when you thought Jims devotion to b

mother was admirable' You-remember thinking th*tman who treats his mother weli is a sure sign of a

who'll treat his wlfe well' You remember that thr

*", yo,r. idea, and are still kicking yourself for that*;

You remember that night, waiting for him at ym

oid apartment, doing dishes to pass the time'

*", j *..i.s worth of dith"t, and you washed

slowiy because they were gross' On.a normal ru

Iim would come over after his shift' hoist you uP

rumble into your unmade bed' The best part was tlu

moment afterward,when the rwo of you would lieibed, eating ice cream straight from the container

*o rpoo,ir, and make pians' In a few months','

Jim's iease was uP' he was going to move in withyou *oota U"rrt 1l*'t ,."i *onty for a year and

a small house, with an eat-in kitchen for family

.r.rr, "nd

a big tree with a tire swing 9t 'l: Fd:'*orrid ,rgo. -ou., whether the tree shouid be nfrorrt y-i o, the back yard, not becaus,e foSdisagtbut because you wanted to hear him plan' You

oroof he dreamed enough about your future t

ihat h. had an opinion on the details'You'd be up half the night talking about it'

wouldn't "rk iti* about children directly' but

ears would perk up when he said things like "Ta greatplaygrou.rd nearby." You didnt get mxch

^--- -^--:-- rr^r, ,"r^ttlrl h,irr"titot. day"s, but the next morning you would bouas'

inro ,t. office, vibrating with possibilities' and drndh

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take a nap after work.But not thut night. That night, you were wash::s'

dishes because Jimt father had left Jim's mother -iiof course you understood that his mom needed hi:-

Itwas two in the morningwhenyou finaliyhear; :key in the lock turn' and you Put down your dishc' ':*i g"u. him a hug. "How are you? Is your mom ol:'

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Your arms were hardlv around his neck before he

ruiled awa,v, shoved a pile of clothes off the couch and

:lumped dorvn. You took a Canadian out of the fridgeand gave it to him before clearing a space beside him'He rwisted ofT tl-re cap and stared at it while vou sat

and pulled your feet up under I'ott.Finally he spoke. "He ieft her for a lvoman fwo

1-ears younger than me. She wasr-I't eveu born whenthey got rnarried." He whipped the beer cap agairrst

the wall and took a swig. "Morn doesn't even knowhow to u'rite a cheque,"

You l<rssed him or-r the cheek. "I know,vou'11 helpher out."

He looked at you' and said, "You're so beautiful'"You waited for the but.

He rurned the beer bottle in his hands. "She's

afraid of iiving alone. And rrry iease is up in a coupleof months." He shrugged as if ti-rat said ever:ything,but it drdn't. You r,vanted him to say it, so you said

nothing. Eventuali,v he did. "She wants me to comelive with her."

You remember being conscious of every rnuscle invour face and how you forced them to stay calm andneutral. You spoke in a careful, even tone. "What are

vou going to do?""l don't know."The control,vou had over vour face and I'oice slipped'

"Yor.r don't knor'v?" He shrugged again. Your voice gotsmail and you hated that' "But what about us)"

'Anni, she's m1' mother.""But I'm /ou1-" You couldn't finish the sentence'

because girlfriend sounded so weak next to mother'"What about our plansi What about our life togetheriWhat about," you choked back the words getting mar-ried. "What about living together and buying a house

lvith a tree and a tire swing?"He looked pained. "I've iust spent the last seven

hours listening to N4om cnr I can't do this right norv'"

SOLVABLE PROBTEMS

You tried to piacate him, but he just stroked vour hairand said he's sorry'. He was so warm' and you stayed as

still as possible, afraid movement would remind himthat he hadn't let go vet, but eventr.raily he puLled away

and said he'd cail votl tomorrow.He didn't cali.Yoli told vourself 1-re needed a bit of space and

folded the clothes on the couch to keep from worry-ing. You put them away, and tried not to think abouttire swings, or bikes in the driveway, or Legos scat-

tered around the living room. He still didn't call, andvou thre\,v or-rt the smail pile of ernpCI ice cream con-tainers. Ther-r 1'e1 dug out the mop fiorn your closet towash the floors, and you organized ,vour closet to putthe inop back rreatly. He still didn't call.

You called your friend Janet who lived back home'Before ),ou could say hel1o she asked if he'd proposed'

"No.""Damn. I had an intuition about it.""T haven't heard from him in days!" You wanted to

wai1, but instead vou filled in the details for her'

She was reassuringly no-nonsense. "He'11 call "

"How do )rou know?""He's not like that. He's a good guy'" Then she had

to go because one of the rwins was crying' Later, youwondered if by good, she meant good enough' Youwondered if there was a difference. You wondered ifyor-r had the lu-xurv of wondering' You weren't gettingany younger. You had that fade-into-the-woodworkgene, and ,vou'd read that for everJ' year after thirryyour fertility decreases bY Bol0.

Ji* turned up a week iater with an apology and a

ring. You \ rere too relieved to do anlthing but sayyes'H. took vou to his mother's house, and she said

vaguely it's nice to meet you. Her eyes were still red-rimmed. He told his mother he'd proposed and she

burst into tears, sobbing that her heart could not takeany more terrible ner'vs.

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"But it's wonderfirl newsl" you said. "We're gettingmarriedl"

"But who will take care of me?"Jimt shoulders slumped. "You know I'li always

take care of you, Mom.""No, you won't! You'll be with that woman!""Her name is Annabelle, Mom, and she's going to

be mywife."It was the first time Jim, anyone, has called you

their wife. You were so proud, you could have kissedhim, but Mary had gone into full tantrum mode. "Firstyour father and now you. I've spent my whole life tak-ing care of you both, and you're both leaving me."

"I'm just getting marriedl I have a life too, youKnow

Mary gasped so sharply you almost thought she dbeen siapped. She changed tactics. "I'm a horriblemother!" and Jim melted and put his arms around her.You held back an eye-roll, and reminded yourself thatMary is not at her best. You thought this behaviourwas temporary.

You waited for Jim on the porch steps. A youngcouple with a leashed dog walked by pushing a blue-and-white striped stroller. Their toddler waved at youand you waved back. You remember thinking that thiswould be you and Jim one day, pushing a stroller andgoing to the park. Stopping for ice cream on the wayhome and your baby boy wouid end up a sticlqy mess,and you would pretend to be exasperated but really,you would love that moment, so much so that youwould tell all his girlfriends about it when he grew up.

WhenJim finally came out, you didn't tel1 him thatyou've already named your son David. But you wouldcall him Davey. Just you. And never Dave.

You're unprepared when Jim suggested that youboth move in with his mother.

"It's nerfect!" he said. "She won't need to rvorrvabout iosing me, and she 'll be gaining vou."

60 TIE NEW QUARTTRLY I Winter 2016

Fuck. No. You weren't sure if you said this aloudor not, but Jim kept talking about how much it wouldmean to his mother and whatever yor-r said with yourvoice or your face, he didn't notice. You found yourselfelrrrchino the ring qo.".entlv nrrr nn vottr finoer Tt.,.. ""6 Jv rLLurIrI/ yuL wtr /vul 11116!r' r(

didn't fit right, and if you weren't careful you could loseit forever in an instant. Davey covered iir ice cream wasfading in front ofyour eyes. Jim glowed and chatteredabout this wonderful solution to all his problems, andso you made positive-sounding but non-committalnoises and then called Janet and fumed. "There is noway," you said. "What do I do?"

"T,ook on rhe brio.ht side." said lanet. "Free live-inchildcare."

"This is a dealbreaker.""Is it?" she asked. "Because he's a good guy. Think

about it."You wonder if you could leave him. You wonder how

old you will be before you find the next good guy and ifyou would still be able to have kids. You wonder whatit would be like to grow old a1one, no family, no chil-dren, nobody. You start hinting about the poor schooldistricts near Mary's house and questioning whether ornot there was enough space for all of you, butJim juststroked your hair and said, uWe'Il work it out."

Your brain kept calculating and after weeks of thesoft approach an idea buzzes and you took action' Youput together a romantic meal, lit candles, spent half anhour blow-drying your hair, and then, in the gentlestvoice you could make, you said, "But Jim, you knowthat moving in with your mother doesn't address thereal problem."

He was suspicious. "What do you mean?"Y^', .'^"""rlerl ,^'it[ caution. "Your mother, well,

she's just such a loving person. And she needs some-thing to love."

"She has me. And now you.""But we're grown people," you said. "We have jobs

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SOLVABLE PROBLET\4S

.:-jrve,ll bestartingourlivestogether'We,rebusl'.We \1,i]'1 ha\,e a

'eason to decorate the room at the top of

::n.t need her as much ul rn. .,J.d, us.,,Jim's l^.. air- ,h. ,,"ir,.t"i'il ;;;;t' stencils' You rvill' but you don't'

-,'i'ed into flu,t op't"J''*'""g^'"' v"" 'o"o''oii"'tl"' "":*I:: t"J#:"J;'[:t';* ff"tilt'T ::;

'i\'}-rat if rve got her a dog?" *,ould ,r"u-^,ir. him, bririg back memories of being

.i,ru remember lt was ideal at first. You remember "u*naontill';;' futt famtly' A piay date with the

.o'hen Mary read the ';:;;;'';; ^b*t c"1;';' ';- o"*1:t:o' ti' 'o^d would onlv hurt his self-esteem'

.,ear-oid black lab ,urr.,.,J.r.d ,ihen his fali\ got 1 You t'i; tl;;g to Ji* and c'ied everv time' He

?,,,pp,y "rraded i,' r"';;;;;;''*"i'i"''"id'Ni;;:"i i:::frili3:#:,*f"iiiJ' iTll*T 'fit::*"Ji'Ji?u"or,-

1"1'iJLft-T;T:,,?:ll ;i::: '^j!:lp::li::".:.:,i,lg:,T:}}::ffiH,fr,:;.::ffi'jr"iil,:ilili,111'::;::ffil?; '^'oing

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::ad to make Cola the ring bearer "i ,."-, *tiai.,r' :t:'"Jt* She .ames f-ertiliry specia'sts rn your area'

;-nd Mary gave you,f,^, ',i;."",

clock,but oth"r*,Jt Sttt -""Col' "a"pti"t ^.d,""'oguty' You thank her

:: rvas vour day, iust as yo-Y pianned l^t"t nt*-i,.-t" and dont iell her t'ht t"'th about why you're not preg-

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'lhe grou'l' v'u've reroided

::patireswlngas'""t*uo*f-tadkids'You;t;;;'yailtheU^tit""'"t"*-tl"'".'dyo"'t''t"*^dtthebed'ng to ha'e kidr. yo,-, *.^r:;e,irir*-n*l?;;" Jim 1-ras ';;";;; down to,.'his strrdv You wonder

had time but not rnuch time. ^u"*, *nii*ggiirg rt* o,l:]::] the bed' but you l..ow

Then the fuclang dog started limping. N4ary *'iii f ii t"u o'Jim's cel1' And he''1 answer no

_"),lilrr*flyr.h:i*Jil:Lr#i*;f:::: :^?:'":*';ea*he,icking or,ha, iT'. *".0 1':ll

';.n once, to hear Ntai,v sa-ti "Well of course ;;;;;; t" iotta' yo,' t"it hear the cl^tier of smallboy feet runntng

i.;; ";;, own,ire,, I 'i: "i ;:: i* i,a,,;*;; ; *i*: ;tii+i** ij.5ifu i.li*"-*::;lfl;ff::lilid'oliJiii'1"0.i:::,:;: :l:,1'i::,:;:',ii;o;';;";1 h

":1I,l: ;::'* : : ** * rff : :: *iti tit ****t-:t* ;i;' ;**: "sliit j:*:. ;trul:','* ,, *:r:*"1u"','m'"*:I'-#i tfft*,.i'''t.*'r"'"r*r'": r,. goes right back into the studvi You';,T:{,ffi '":t#;'# ;;;** married,to t":::*,

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;:::::ilt;;9;;-i""'rp' but;|;,lre#ancr ;illl'-",ner." You set cl1;er a.d vou kick the

;;;ri;"'"'ed' Ytu want to p"' o'.' ^ d:T:::;r,"".^'

ciock past il;';;" ir-'' '?"av'-'nnd her dog' I'm tired

" ;; kept thinking thrs rs temporary' that 1i

so1r,e the n.*t p'obl"-;,]l bt ho*t-f"t T;;n of being *^ttttJ t" tnem'" You kick the clock again

save Davev and ]-ris ,*.;;;;."*-rt"i,-,.d r-t.. v"* and you '-'otit" a smoki'rg car on the computer screen'

winter zote I rHl NEw ouARTtRLY 5l

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SONAL CHAMPSEE

"Is that a video game?""So what if it isi""I spend every night alone and vou're sitting here

playing video games?""You spend everv night cleaning."(Because-'' you sputter. You take a deep breath,

because after all this time, maybe you can f,x this.You trv for a sofrer voir^e hrrt don't nrrite qet there." '1*'.'' b'Jim, when was the last time we taiked about anlthingimportant?"

You think it's working because his face his soften-ing. You think you will hear him make plans again.Maybe now, you can tell him, vou've always liked thename David.

He says, "We11, Mom was pretty down about Colatoday."

"Nnr r.nrrr -^th". rnd her fir"kino dno "rrrvLrl!L 4rlu rr!r r!!LNrr5 uv5.

He's taken aback by your swearing. "My motherisn'r imnortent)"--'- "-"r'- '*"''

You know the ground is dangerous, but you don't- (NT^ "LarL 4rrlrrrvrL. t \u.

"She's m., -nfh"t i'

"I'm your wife. We had a whole life planned.Where is it?"

"She had a life planned toolWhat the hell do youPYnc.t me tn r]^)"

You push past him. "Get out of mv wav."He shouts after you. "I picked vou, remember?

\A/L^- -,, .t^l l-f. ^nd mv morher needed me? Iu4u rLlL arru rrrJ rrrvLrfur rruruL

picked you."You can't be tl-rere anymore. You grab your keys off

the shining console table, slam the front door, jr.rmpin the car and peel out of there. It's a quiet residentialstreet with little traffic. You cl-rose this street for thatreason. You find yourselfin the parking lot ofthe localelementary school. You chose the house because it wasin a good school district. Youd seen -vourself takingDavey to school every morning before work, waving at

62 tat NEW euARTERLY I winter 2016

him. Youd seen him waving back, mischief sparklingin his eyes before he runs off to play rvith hrs friends.You'd seen a sma11 backpack bouncing on his shoulders.

Classes had ended hours ago, and the parking lot'wrs emnfv Yorr rrrrn ^ff the e,roine nrrr vOUr headvva: trrrPL-v. rvu (ur

on the steering wheel and crv. The plastic is hard butr.varm and it's all you have to lean on right now.

It's growing dark r,vhen you drive home, but themoment vou see the tree in front of your house, thetree that lacks a tire and a iittie bov to swing on it,rr^,, Lit tL. oreelcrctnt "nA.lrirre ne.t it Ynrt l^-'- ^^''-. dllu ulivL P4)t lL. tuu uurr L P4\attention to where yolr are going but after a rvhile theneighbourhood looks familiar and you realize that youare pulling in front of Mary's house.

Cola is on the porch, sitting just where you did thatday you sa\ / the couple with the stroller. You get out ofthe car and stand at the bottom ofthe porch stePs andlook him in the eye. He knows you and doesn't bark;he irrsr sives von , dooov orin and nants. He's out ofr*'^'"' ^ -reach but you hold your arm out to him. He lifts hishead in excitement and reaches a paw down the steps,and then hesitates and whines slightly. He looks atyou and whines again, and tries to take the next step.

You go to him and pr.rt an arm under his frontlegs and support his hind legs and ease him down thesteps. He's heary, and you're breathing hard but evervtime you pull away slightly he r,vhines and licks yourface and keeps trying to get to the next step.

Cola is at the bottom step when Mary comes to thedoor. 'Annabelle?" She spots Cola's dark body in thedimmino liohr "Colrl Cet hack rrn herei" She smacks"r ^'"^' --'her thigh and Cola glances back but you and he havereached the lawn

"For God's sake, Maryl" )'ou sa)/. "He just gotdown the steps." You head to your car and open thedoor. Cola wags his tail and stutters towards you. He'sfavouring his hind legs but he's moving.

"What are you doing with my dog? Cola!" She

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:ots down the steps to grab Cola by the collar' but',-.lu're faster than she is' you block her hands and Cola

iarks sharply but keeps going' He stops at the car

ioor and iooks ,rp at you' and you go to him' He's

rsking for your helP.M"ary has not stopped shouting''Annabelle! Have

Iou gone ctazy?"' "3,"y back!" you shout back' "You can't handle

him." Cjola puts his front paws on the ca.r seat and you

support his tack legs and somehow you hoist him into

SOLVABLE PROBLEMS

the car and shift him until he's iying comfortably' He

grins and thumps his tail and you shut the door'

She grabs your arm. "That's my dog!"You i-*irt ^*^y

from her' "Not anymorel" You get

into the car and start backing out of the driveway'

She pounds on your window but you keep going' She

runs after you, screaming for Cola, but you don't stop'

T.rrc h"rr. begun to l.ak hotly from your eyes' and

your breath is loming out in hiccups, but you have the

dog, and you keeP driving awaY'

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