President Joe - Shimmy Shimmy

PRESIDENT JOE

"Shimmy SHimmy"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) is sitting at his desk. His Chief of

Staff HARRY (45, Native American) walks in.

HARRY

President Joe. Um. I know this is

gonna sound a little strange--but

there are a group of aliens outside

the White House, and their leader

wants to talk to you.

PRESIDENT JOE

Again? That alien guy always keeps

on dropping by unannounced. What

does he want this time?

HARRY

Actually, this is the first time

aliens have made contact with human

beings.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON (55, black, intelligent, zany) is

sitting on the other side of the room.

PRESIDENT JOE

Uh. Neil Degrasse Tyson. You know a

lot about science. What do you

think the aliens want?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Well.

(takes out a calculator and

begins pressing buttons on it)

Based on my calculations, I’d say

they’re here for Spring Break.

PRESIDENT JOE

Hm.

(to Harry)

What do you think, Harry?

HARRY

I think Neil Degrasse Tyson is high

on acid again.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

I factored my highness into my

calculations.

(presses buttons on his

calculator)

Fascinating. It says here that 123,

456, 789.

2.

HENRY WINKLER (70, Jewish, pleasant, good attitude) enters.

HENRY WINKLER

Sorry I’m late, guys. What did I

miss?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. Aliens landed in Washington,

and their leader wants to have a

meeting with us.

HENRY WINKLER

Aliens! Wow! Fantastic! I actually

have a gift basket for this very

occasion. A gift basket

specifically for visiting aliens.

It’s like I always say--you can

never have too many gift baskets.

Unless you have, like, a shitload

of gift baskets. That would be

excessive.

(Cut to later)

An ALIEN (BOB ALIENINSKY) enters.

PRESIDENT JOE

Hello. Welcome to earth. I’m

President Joe. Joe Smith.

ALIEN

I am Bob Alieninsky.

PRESIDENT JOE

Nice to meet you.

(referring to Harry)

You’ve already met my Chief of

Staff, Harry Red-Mountain. By the

way--he’s my Chief of Staff, and

he’s Native American--but he’s not

a Native American chief.

ALIEN

OK.

PRESIDENT JOE

(introduces Henry Winkler)

And this is my Vice President,

Henry Winkler.

Henry Winkler is holding a gift basket.

3.

HENRY WINKLER

(to Alien)

Greetings and salutations! As Vice

President of the United States, I

hereby present to you, this lovely

gift basket I bought from a

delightful El Salvadorian woman. I

think her name was Estella. I’m not

sure. I can find out, if you want.

(hands him the basket)

Everything in there is 100% vegan.

ALIEN

(to Henry Winkler)

Aren’t you the guy from Happy Days?

HENRY WINKLER

Yes!

(imitates Fonzie)

"Ey!" You watch Happy Days on your

planet?

ALIEN

Yeah. On my planet, channel 1 shows

Happy Days once a week. And

channels 2 through 43,600 show Two

and a Half Men nonstop.

HENRY WINKLER

That’s really weird. Around here,

there’s no such thing as channel 1.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Sure there is. You just have to do

enough acid to see it.

PRESIDENT JOE

(to Alien)

And that gentleman over there is my

Secretary of Education, Neil

Degrasse Tyson. So, uh--what brings

you to earth, Bobby?

ALIEN

Bob. On my planet, there are no

name variations. Bob is Bob. Not

Bobby.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh. OK, Bob. So what brings you

here, asshole?

4.

ALIEN

We want land.

PRESIDENT JOE

Wait a second. Are you trying to

take over this planet?

ALIEN

No. Just Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

Great. You can have it. We’ll throw

in Cleveland, too.

ALIEN

We just want Detroit. Me and a

million other people from my planet

are gonna hang out in Detroit.

HARRY

By the way--what planet are you

from?

ALIEN

I’m from Shimmy Shimmy.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

(begins singing the song

"Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop")

Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop / Shimmy

Shimmy Bop / Shimmy Shimmy

Ko-Ko-Bop / Shimmy Shimmy Bop

PRESIDENT JOE

Shimmy Shimmy. Let me write that

down.

He takes out his iPhone and types.

PRESIDENT JOE

Shimmy. Shimmy.

ALIEN

Is that an iPhone 7?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah.

ALIEN

What are you--a fag or something?

On Shimmy Shimmy, everyone has at

least an iPhone 953.

5.

PRESIDENT JOE

You shouldn’t say "fag." That’s

offensive.

ALIEN

Offensive? What are you--a fag or

something?

HARRY

Uh. What does the word "fag" mean

on your planet?

ALIEN

It means someone who uses outdated

iPhones, or someone who finds the

word "fag" offensive.

HENRY WINKLER

And what does the word

"Worcestershire" mean on your

planet?

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRES ROOM - DAY

President Joe is addressing the camera. Various MEDIA

MEMBERS are in attendance.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. Earlier today, I had a

little chat with an alien. Bob

Something. And we talked about some

stuff. And, uh, he’s kind of a

douchebag. So, uh, that pretty much

wraps it up. You guys watching this

on TV can change the channel now.

Oh. One more thing. I gave the

aliens Detroit--so if that’s where

you live, you’re gonna have to

move.

President Joe’s cell phone rings.

PRESIDENT JOE

(into phone)

Hello?

The caller is MAYOR WAYANS (50, black).

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

Mr. President. It’s Ed Wayans.

6.

PRESIDENT JOE

Wow. I’m a huge fan of Scary Movie.


I’m not a Wayans brother. I’m the

Mayor of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK. What do you want?


I want you to not give Detroit to

the aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

I already gave it to them. If I

take it back, that’ll make me a

white man giver.


Don’t you mean an Indian giver?

PRESIDENT JOE

I use white substitutes for racist

terms. Indian giver, white man

giver; Washington Redskins,

Washington Rednecks; blackjack,

crackerjack; tar baby, marshmallow

baby.


President Joe is seated at his desk. Harry enters.

HARRY

There are some people at the front

door who want to see you.

PRESIDENT JOE

Who?

HARRY

Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

What do you mean Detroit?

HARRY

I mean the 700,000 people who used

to live in Detroit.

7.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

The President opens the door, and sees a countless number of

PEOPLE from Detroit standing there, including Mayor Wayans.

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. Hi.

MAYOR WAYANS

Well, President Joe. Here we are.

PRESIDENT JOE

... Do I know you?

MAYOR WAYANS

I’m Ed Wayans.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh. Awesome. I love Scary Movie.

MAYOR WAYANS

Damn it! I’m not a Wayans brother.

I’m the Mayor of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, what are you doing here?

MAYOR WAYANS

We made an exodus out of Detroit.

And this is our new land.

EXT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Hundreds of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue on the

White House front lawn.


President Joe is seated at his desk, while 300 PEOPLE FROM

DETROIT are hanging out in various parts of the room. Some

of them are sitting on President Joe’s desk. President

Joe gets up, squeezes dis way through all of the people and

opens the door to the oval office bathroom.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

He sees some more PEOPLE FROM DETROIT hanging out in the

bathroom.

8.

PRESIDENT JOE

Uh. Can I have a moment alone?

MAN

Whatever. By the way, you better

lower taxes. I paid 10% tax on

these socks.

He reveals a pair of tweed socks he’s wearing.

MAN

And 10% tax on the ferret I shoved

up my ass.

He turns around and is about to pull down his pants.

PRESIDENT JOE

You don’t have to show me the

ferret.

(to Everyone)

Now everyone--please get out.

They all exit the bathroom. The President closes the door

and calls someone.

PRESIDENT JOE

(into phone)

Harry. I need to see you in the

Oval Office bathroom.


President Joe is talking to Harry.

PRESIDENT JOE

We gotta get Detroit out of the

White House. I can’t keep having

meetings in my bathroom. On the

plus side, it’s nice having my

medicine cabinet nearby.

He opens the medicine cabinet, takes out a bag of cocaine,

dips his finger in, and snorts some cocaine off of his

finger.

HARRY

Mr. President. Cocaine is not

medicine.

PRESIDENT JOE

Anyways, I have a good idea. You

know how America has a lot lot of

bullshit states?

9.

HARRY

Bullshit states?

PRESIDENT JOE

You know. Those states we fly over,

that have, like, lots of space, and

not that many people. How about we

take some of that space, and turn

it into a city called New Detroit?

Yeah. We’ll put that city in Iowa.

Fuck Iowa.

HARRY

... I’m from Iowa.

PRESIDENT JOE

Exactly. So you know what a

bullshit state it is.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY

A bunch of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue.

President Joe and Henry Winkler are talking to MAN 2 (30,

black).

PRESIDENT JOE

So. They tell me you’re the guy who

brought Detroit over here.

MAN 2

Yeah. The Mayor was all like,

"Let’s all move to Flint." And I

was all like, "Do I look like Fred

Flintstone to you? We ain’t going

to no damn Flint. Let’s head on

down to DC, and live in the White

Castle."

PRESIDENT JOE

This is the White House.

MAN 2

You got a dungeon downstairs.

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s not a dungeon. That’s just a

basement prison where we put Ralph

Nader, and Ross Perot, and the

other third party candidates.

10.

HENRY WINKLER

I go down there every Wednesday and

play mahjong with Eugene V. Debs.

MAN 2

What the hell is mahjong?

PRESIDENT JOE

It’s like dominoes, except for

white people.

MAN 2

Who the hell is Eugene V. Debs?

HENRY WINKLER

He’s like Malcolm X, except for

white people.

PRESIDENT JOE

(to Man 2)

Anyways, um, I’m gonna give you

guys your own city to live in. New

Detroit, Iowa.

MAN 2

Do I look like a corn husker to

you? We have a saying in Detroit.

It goes something like this. "Fuck

Iowa." Detroit is either staying in

the White Castle, or it’s going

back to Detroit, Michigan, if you

can get those aliens out of there.


President Joe is talking to the alien.

PRESIDENT JOE

Thanks for coming in. How did you

get here so quickly?

ALIEN

I used a teletransportation device.

Do you want me to show you how to

build one?

PRESIDENT JOE

No.

11.

ALIEN

By the way--why are we having a

meeting in your bathroom?

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. I wanted to show you my new

plunger.

He holds up a plunger.

ALIEN

Plunger? On my planet, we call that

a cheese grater.

PRESIDENT JOE

You use these things to grate

cheese?

ALIEN

No, dumbass. We use them to unclog

toilets. So, what did you want to

talk to me about?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. I’m gonna upgrade you guys

from Detroit, to a first class city

in Iowa.

ALIEN

The corn state?

PRESIDENT JOE

It’s not just a corn state. Aside

from corn, Iowa has, um, you

know, pants, and ceilings, and

pinball machines.

ALIEN

You know, on my planet we have a

saying. "Orbity yo shorbity,

hominuh hominuh Steve Urkel Stefan

Ur-kel."

PRESIDENT JOE

What does that mean?

ALIEN

It means, "Fuck Iowa."

12.

INT. US CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY

Congress is in session. Some of the people present include

President Joe, Henry Winkler, SENATOR LOPEZ (45) and SENATOR

SMITH (65).

SENATOR SMITH

OK. US Congress, session 15,467.

Um. I was thinking that maybe we

should raise taxes. You know.

’Cause we need more money.

HENRY WINKLER

How about we have a bake sale

instead?!

PRESIDENT JOE

Guys. I don’t mean to interrupt all

of this economy stuff, but I just

wanted to let you know that we’re

declaring war on the aliens.

SENATOR SMITH

Why?

PRESIDENT JOE

... Because, you know. They suck.

SENATOR LOPEZ

I like the aliens. The other day, I

had a nice chat with their

President, Bob. You know

what? Maybe you’re the one who

sucks, President Joe.

PRESIDENT JOE

Maybe I should kick your ass,

Senator Lopez.

SENATOR LOPEZ

Maybe we should impeach your ass.

(to Senator Smith)

How does the whole impeachment

thing work again?

SENATOR SMITH

Well. If the majority of the House

votes yes, and two thirds of the

Senate votes yes, then we all grab

shanks and kill the President right

here, live on C-SPAN.

13.

SENATOR LOPEZ

Alright. House of

Representatives--how many of you

want to get rid of President Joe?

About half of the CONGRESSMEN raise their hands. Senator

Lopez quickly counts their votes.

SENATOR LOPEZ

219 to 213. Senate. How many of you

want to get rid of President Joe?

About half of the SENATORS raise their hands.

SENATOR LOPEZ

55 to 45.

SENATOR SMITH

That’s not two thirds. But we did

get eleven twentieths--and that

gives us the right to tar and

feather the President.


President Joe is tarred and feathered, and talking to Harry.

PRESIDENT JOE

How are we gonna get the aliens out

of Detroit?

HARRY

Well. Let’s see. What do we really

know about the aliens?

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. We know that they’re not from

earth. We know that they’re from

another planet. We know that

they’re extra-terrestrials. And we

know that they’re aliens.

HARRY

OK. You just said the same obvious

fact in four different ways.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well how am I supposed to know

anything about the aliens? I mean,

it’s not like I hang out with them.

14.


President Joe is having a meeting with Senator Lopez and

Harry.

SENATOR LOPEZ

Nice office.

PRESIDENT JOE

Kiss my ass. Now tell us what you

know about the aliens?

SENATOR LOPEZ

Well. I know that they’re not from

earth. I know that they’re from

another planet. I know that they’re

extra-terrestrials. And I know that

they’re aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

You just said the same obvious fact

in four different ways, you

jackass.

Henry Winkler enters.

HENRY WINKLER

What up, homeys? What’s cracking in

the DC?

PRESIDENT JOE

Why are you talking like that?

HENRY WINKLER

Oh. It’s just something I picked up

from all these former Detroit

residents. So, what are you guys

talking about? Let me guess. The

Secretary of State and her big ol’

booty.

PRESIDENT JOE

Senator Lopez was giving us some

info on the aliens.

(to Senator Lopez)

I need to know what Bob said to

you.

SENATOR LOPEZ

Well. He told me something about

how the aliens call a toilet

plunger a cheese grater. Oh. He

also told me their two favorite

(MORE)

15.

SENATOR LOPEZ (cont’d)

things about earth. Number two:

Detroit. Number one: Two and a Half

Men.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson enters.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Golly. There sure are a lot of

African Americans in the White

House.

HENRY WINKLER

The more, the merrier! You know

what I’m sayin’?


President Joe is having a meeting with the Alien.

ALIEN

What do you want this time?

PRESIDENT JOE

There’s someone I want you to meet.

ALIEN

Who? You? I’ve already met you.

Remember that whole Bob Bobby

thing?

PRESIDENT JOE

I want you to meet someone else.

CHARLIE SHEEN walks into the bathroom.

ALIEN

Charlie Sheen!

CHARLIE SHEEN

What’s going on, bro?

ALIEN

Mr. Sheen--I’m a huge fan of yours.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Mr. Sheen is my father. Please.

Call me Sir Carlos Estevez the

Fourth.

16.

ALIEN

OK, Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth.

Let me ask you something. Have you

ever seen Two and a Half Men?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Uh. Yeah. I’m in it.

ALIEN

It’s good--isn’t it?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Uh. Yeah. But you know what’s not

so good?

ALIEN

What?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Detroit.

ALIEN

Detroit’s not so good?

CHARLIE SHEEN

It sucks.

ALIEN

Detroit sucks?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Detroit sucks. And all women are

gold diggers.

ALIEN

Oh. Well. I guess Detroit does

suck. After all--you’re Sir Carlos

Estevez the Fourth.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Close. I’m Doctor Sir Carlos

Estevez the Fourth.

(sniffs)

Cocaine.

He opens the medicine cabinet.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Bingo!

17.


President Joe is having a meeting with Harry.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. The aliens moved back to

Shimmy Shimmy, and the Detroitians

moved back to Detroit.

HARRY

So why are we still having meetings

in your bathroom?


President Joe is seated at his desk, and Harry is seated

across from him.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. The aliens moved back to

Shimmy Shimmy, and the Detroitians

moved back to Detroit.

The camera reveals a worker installing a urinal in the oval

office.

HARRY

And why is someone installing a

urinal in here?

PRESIDENT JOE

That way, I won’t have to walk to

the bathroom every time I take a

piss. Or lets’s say I have the

President of England in here. He

can just urinate while we discuss

NAFTA or whatever.

HARRY

England doesn’t have a President.

PRESIDENT JOE

No wonder it’s such a bullshit

country.

Neil Degrasse Tyson is seated in his usual place, and

pushing buttons on a calculator.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Guys. I made some additional

calculations--and it turns out that

another group of aliens are on

(MORE)

18.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON (cont’d)spring break, and they went to

Cancun, Venus.

(grabs a telescope and uses it

to look at a wall)

Yeah. I can see them.

(sings)

Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop / Shimmy

Shimmy Bop / Shimmy Shimmy

Ko-Ko-Bop / Shimmy Shimmy Bop

Documents

President Joe - Shimmy Shimmy