President Joe - Joehammad Oily

7/21/2019 President Joe - Joehammad Oily

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HENRY WINKLERAnd Senator Coolidge is a reallygreat girl. She makes fantasticcheese sandwiches. I have one herein my pocket.

He takes a sandwich out of his pocket and begins eating it.

HENRY WINKLER(with his mouth full)

Three types of cheese.

PRESIDENT JOEAnyways, were trying to figure outhow to lower gas prices.

HENRY WINKLERI have an idea. Hugs. We can givebig hugs to gas station owners.

(to Harry)Like, lets say you own a gasstation.

Henry Winkler hugs Harry.

HARRYGet the fuck off of me.

Henry Winkler stops hugging Harry.

HENRY WINKLERDoesnt that make you want to lower

gas prices?

HARRYNo.

PRESIDENT JOEHow about we ask our Secretary ofEducation about gas prices?

HARRYId rather not.

PRESIDENT JOEHes my Secretary of Education--andI want him to educate me.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON is sitting several yards away fromPresident Joe.


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PRESIDENT JOENeil DeGrasse Tyson. What do youknow about gas prices?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONGas prices are governed by a

complex interaction ofvariables--for instance, OPECscontrol of their supply of oil, thecost of oil extraction in stateslike Texas and Alaska,environmental regulations in theUS, and especially, the arrangementof polka dots on my underwear.

PRESIDENT JOERight. Take off your pants.

INT. WHITE HOUSE (BACK YARD) - DAY

President Joe walks into his backyard. He sees WILSON (40, aparody of Wilson from Home Improvement) on the other side ofhis fence.

WILSONHey there, neighbor.

PRESIDENT JOEHey, Wilson. Whats going on?

WILSON

Oh. Im just contemplating thatfamous line by Robert Frost: "But Ihave promises to keep / And milesto go before I sleep."

PRESIDENT JOEWhat does it mean?

WILSONA lot of things to a lot of people.But right now, Im trying to figureout why it gives me an erection.

PRESIDENT JOEI see. Uh--let me ask yousomething. What do you know aboutlowering gas prices?

WILSONWell. Lets see. I know that OPECis not particularly fond of the

(MORE)


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WILSON (contd)West--and that makes it difficultfor Americans to negotiate withthem. And, lets see. I also knowthat hearing the word OPEC doesntgive me an erection.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Harry walks in, and sees President Joe disguised as an Araband milking a camel.

HARRYUm. Why are you dressed like anArab, wearing a fake beard, andmilking a camel?

PRESIDENT JOE

Because. Im gonna go undercover asan OPEC member, and convince OPECto lower its oil prices.

HARRYWell, how about we have an ArabicFBI agent go instead of you?

PRESIDENT JOEFBI my ass! Im President of theUnited freaking States. This iswhat I get paid millions of dollarsa year to do.

HARRYYou get paid $400,000 a year.

PRESIDENT JOEI thought it was $400,000 a week.

HARRYIts 400,000 a year.

PRESIDENT JOEThat doesnt sound like much. I sawsomething on Inside Edition abouthow the Queen of England gets paid$58 million a year. And she doesntdo shit. She just wears hats, andwaves at people, and eats mutton.


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INT. OPEC HEADQUARTERS (MEETING ROOM) - DAY

15 MEN are seated at a table, including HASSAN HUSSEIN ALHUSSEINISAN (45), and President Joe in disguise.

HASSAN

Hello. I am OPEC President HassanHussein al-Husseinisan. Before westart our meeting, allow me to singthe official OPEC anthem.

(sings to the tune of theBeverly Hillbillies ThemeSong)

Come and listen a story bout afuel named oil / We dug down deepunderneath all our soil / We got alot of premium crude / And nowwere a bunch of rich Arab dudes /Death death death to the USA / Fuck

their President, he is gay / Heeats corn on the motherfucking cob/ While we prefer a shish-kabob.

(looks at President Joe)Who are you?

PRESIDENT JOEIm Joe.

SAUDI ARABIAN MANJoe? That doesnt sound very OPECy.

President Joe speaks in an Arabic accent throughout the rest

of this scene.

PRESIDENT JOEUh. It is short for Joe-hammad.

HASSAN(to everyone)

Anyways. Lets talk about oil.

PRESIDENT JOEGood idea. I was just thinking. Youknow how we make oil prices high?Well--maybe we should make themlow.

HASSANWhat the fuck are you talkingabout?


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PRESIDENT JOEWell. Let me put it this way. Whenyou buy a new camel at a mom andpop store, you pay $5,000. But atWalmart, you can buy a similarcamel for $3,000. We should be like

Walmart, and have everyday lowprices.

HASSANI dont think you get the point ofOPEC.

PRESIDENT JOEI dont think you get the point ofWalmart.

HASSANFuck Walmart! OPEC. O-P-E-C. That

stands for "Cash Rules EverythingAround Me."

PRESIDENT JOE(to Hassan)

OK. Let me try this another way.Are you gay?

HASSANAbsolutely not!

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Oil is gay. If youre not

gay, you should give your oil away.

HASSANOil is 100% heterosexual. Iknow--because when I tried to havesex with it yesterday, it told methat it only likes women.

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Let me ask you this. Why doyou want to make oil as expensiveas possible?

HASSANSo well get more money for it.

PRESIDENT JOEBut why do you want more money?


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HASSANSo we can buy more stuff.

PRESIDENT JOEBut what is so great about havingmore stuff?

HASSANI dont know. Ive never thought ofthings that way.

(gets on his cell phone)Make oil prices lower.


President Joe is no longer in disguise. Hes milking acamel, while Harry watches.

PRESIDENT JOEWell. I got OPEC to lower itsprices. And now gas is at an alltime low.

HARRYRight. But why are you stillmilking that camel? And why wereyou milking that camel in the firstplace?

PRESIDENT JOEWhat do you mean why? I mean, who

doesnt like to walk into theiroffice, and have a glass of freshcamel milk?

INT. STORE - DAY

Hassan puts a bunch of items on the counter.

HASSANIll take one pack of Mentos, tendiamond rings, twenty Picassopaintings, and one island.

EMPLOYEEOK. Thatll be 1.4 billion dollars.

Hassan takes dozens of giant bricks of hundred dollar billsout of his wallet.


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HASSANI only have 1.1 billion dollars.Because at that OPEC meeting lastweek, I lowered oil prices from $70a barrel to 70 cents a barrel.

EMPLOYEEWell. Then youre gonna have totake back some items.

HASSANHow about the pack of Mentos?

EMPLOYEEOK, Your new total it1.399999999999 billion dollars.

Hassan takes out his cell phone and calls someone.

HASSAN(into phone)

Yeah. Were going to have anothermeeting at OPEC.

INT. OPEC HEADQUARTERS (MEETING ROOM) - DAY

Everyone except for President Joe is present at the meeting.

HASSANOK, guys. Remember that whole lowprices thing we went with before? I

was just thinking. Fuck that shit.Lets increase oil prices. From 70cents to $500.

INT. CAR / EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and Harry are in the backseat, while a DRIVER(35) drives.

DRIVERMr. President. Were running out ofgas. I gotta stop to get some.

The Driver pulls in to a gas station.

DRIVERLet me have your credit card.

President Joe looks at the sign listing the gas prices.


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PRESIDENT JOEWait a second. $23.99 a gallon? Itwas 22 cents a gallon yesterday.

HARRYIll bet OPEC just raised their

prices.

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Im not paying 23.99 agallon.

DRIVERWell. I guess we dont have to gethigh octane gas. We can get mediumoctane for 23.89.

PRESIDENT JOEThe hell with that.

DRIVEROr low octane for 23.79.

PRESIDENT JOEThats too much.

DRIVERWell. They also have a mixture ofpiss and gas for 23.59.

PRESIDENT JOEWere not getting any gas at these

prices. Im vetoing gas.

DRIVERYou cant veto gas.

PRESIDENT JOEWell then Im vetoing this car.

He and Harry get out of the car.

HARRYWhat do you want to do?

PRESIDENT JOEUm. I guess we gotta take the bus.Do you have any quarters?


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EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and Harry walk onto the bus.

INT. BUS - DAY

They see a sign that says: "New Fare: $5."

PRESIDENT JOE$5? The bus fare used to be $1.50.

BUS DRIVERWell. Gas prices have gone up.

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Can you let us ride for free?I mean, Im the President of theUnited States.

BUS DRIVERSo what? That guy over there is thePresident of Canada, and he paid$5.

PRESIDENT JOEThats because Canada isnt a realcountry.

BUS DRIVERPay $5 or get your ass off thisbus, President Joe.

EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and Harry are standing on the sidewalk,sticking their thumbs up to the passing cars on the street.One DRIVER (male, 35) pulls over in a Tesla electric car.

TESLA DRIVERHowdy.

PRESIDENT JOECan you take us to the Capitolbuilding?

TESLA DRIVERSure. Hop in.


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INT. CAR 2 / EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe is seated in the passengers seat, and Harryis in the backseat.

PRESIDENT JOE

What kind of car is this?

TESLA DRIVERThis is a Tesla. Runs onelectricity. Im saving a bundle,since I dont have to use gas.Heres my strategy. The moreexpensive gas is, the more I drivemy Tesla. Cause Im a Tesla owner.Which means Im a fucking lunatic.

PRESIDENT JOEWhere are you headed?

TESLA DRIVERNowhere. I just like saving moneyby not using gas. Cause Im afucking lunatic. Which means Im aTesla owner. ... So why are youguys going to the Capitol Hillbuilding?

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Im the President, and thisheres my Chief of Staff.

TESLA DRIVERWait a second. Are you PresidentJoe?

PRESIDENT JOEYeah.

He pulls over.

DRIVERGet the fuck out of my car.

EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and Harry are walking on the sidewalk.

PRESIDENT JOEHow much longer till we get there?


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HARRYTwo miles.

A MAN walks up to President Joe.

MANAre you President Joe?

PRESIDENT JOEUm. Maybe.

MANBecause if you are, I really wantto kick your ass.

PRESIDENT JOEOh. Well in that case, yes--I amPresident Joe, and I really want tokick your ass, you prick!

EXT. CAPITOL HILL BUILDING - DAY

President Joe and Harry walk into the building.

INT. CAPITOL HILL BUILDING - DAY

Congress is in session. President Joe and Harry are seatedamong everyone, including SENATOR LOPEZ (45) and SENATORSMITH (55).

SENATOR LOPEZ

And thats why we need to increasetaxes on Barbra Streisand.

SENATOR SMITHAlright. Sounds good.

HENRY WINKLERLets take a recess. I want to goget some gummy bears from thevending machine.

SENATOR SMITHDude. Youre not even aCongressman, Mr. Vice President.You can just leave whenever youwant.

PRESIDENT JOEGuys--we need to talk about gasprices. Theyre too high.


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SENATOR LOPEZSo are piss prices. Thats why evena gas piss mixture is 23.59 agallon.

PRESIDENT JOEShut the fuck up, Senator Lopez.

SENATOR LOPEZUp yours, President Joe.

PRESIDENT JOE(to Everyone)

Listen. We need to, like, make gascheaper, or start using somethingother than gas.

SENATOR LOPEZHow about Tesla cars?

PRESIDENT JOEHow about you shut your damn mouth,Senator Lopez? We cant get thepublic to drive electric cars. Itsnot gonna happen.

SENATOR LOPEZWell what do you think we shoulddo?

PRESIDENT JOEWell. Lets see. I charge my iPhoneby plugging it in to an outlet. Howabout we do that with cars? Youknow. Well have people drive carsthat they can plug in and charge.

SENATOR LOPEZYou mean like electric cars?

PRESIDENT JOENo, dipshit. I mean cars that youcharge like an iPhone. And, uh--youknow what? I have another idea.


President Joe is talking to ROBERT ZEMECKIS.

PRESIDENT JOESo youre the guy who made Back tothe Future?


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ROBERT ZEMECKISYes, Mr. President. Im RobertZemeckis.

PRESIDENT JOEYou know that scene where the Doc

puts garbage in the DeLorean, andsome thingamajig in it turns thegarbage into fuel?

ROBERT ZEMECKISYeah.

PRESIDENT JOEOK. I need you to make 173 millionof those thingamajigs.

ROBERT ZEMECKISUm. I cant.

PRESIDENT JOEFine. Just make one, and then welluse the blueprints to make172,999,999 more of them.

ROBERT ZEMECKISI cant make one.

PRESIDENT JOEWhy not?

ROBERT ZEMECKIS

Well. Because Im just some guy whowrote a movie.

Neil Degrasse Tyson is seated in his usual spot.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONGreat Scott!

PRESIDENT JOEGood idea.


(Later)

President Joe is talking to CHRISTOPHER LLOYD.

PRESIDENT JOEThanks for coming in, Doc.


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CHRISTOPHER LLOYDIm not the Doc. Im ChristopherLloyd.

PRESIDENT JOEWho?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYDIm the actor who played the Doc.

PRESIDENT JOERight. Yeah. Whatever. I need youto make 173 million of thosetrash-into-fuel thingamajigs.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

STAN

Earlier today, actor ChristopherLloyd invented a device that turnstrash into fuel. And in relatednews, the price of oil went from$500 a barrel to one hundredth ofone Mexican centavo a barrel, theprice of garbage went up from 0cents a ton to $9 a ton, and theprice of piss remained the same at$23.53 per gallon.

INT. STORE - DAY

HASSANOK. Ill take five Van Goghpaintings, a pack of Mentos, twoislands, five mansions, one privatejet, and four yachts.

EMPLOYEEOK. Thatll be $2.3 billion.

HASSANI only have 94 Mexican centavos.

EMPLOYEEWell then youre gonna have to takeback a few items.

HASSAN(sings)

Death, death, death to ChristopherLloyd / His invention obsoleted our

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HASSAN (contd)oil / Crude is worth as much asdoody / But Back to the Future is areally good movie.

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President Joe - Joehammad Oily