Prep News APRIL FOOLS’ Three

BY Z Wine ServicesPRESS OFFICE

As many of you already know, tuition has in-

creased for next year. That in-crease means some extra spend-ing money for the teachers, and this year the money was paid in advance. While the art de-partment decided to pool their bonuses and stock up on qui-noa for next year, social stud-ies teacher and B-Team soccer coach Tom Zinselmeyer spent his money a bit more … lavishly. He bought himself a 2010 Lam-borghini Muciélago LP Super-Veloce. You Latin scholars out there know that “superveloce” means “high-speed*. When Lamborghini puts a name like that on one of their cars, you know they mean business.

For those among you who are wondering how our be-loved history teacher managed to afford a $400,000 supercar, I asked him and he explained.

“Well, I’ve been hemor-rhaging Bill Brown’s bonus for years, and Z Wine Services, LLC has really taken off lately.,” said Zinselmeyer. “Since Ms. Maurer left, Dr. K has become my biggest client. He loves his Pinot Grigio!”

While the means of acquir-ing the money are a bit ques-tionable, most faculty members see Zinselmeyer’s purchase as a public service. The faculty lot is just so drab with all of its tans and greys that the Lambo’s “Arancio Atlas” paint really brightens it up.

The paint might draw your eye to this car, but once you notice it the raw menace of the thing keeps you staring. It looks like a stealth fighter and its scis-sor doors look like they could have come right off of a space-ship. This bull has the engine to match the paint and styling. In the back lies an Italian made 6.5 liter V-12 that spits out a fiery 661 horsepower. A 0-60 mph

sprint takes just 2.8 seconds and a top speed of 211 mph qualifies this as seriously fast machine, albeit finding enough space to test those figures is no easy task. So this begs the question; why did he pay for something he can so rarely use?

“Ok look, maybe Sean O’Brien outdresses me nine times out of ten, but I can dust his Audi any day of the week,” said Zinselmeyer. “We race all the time. It’s always a blood-bath, but Sean keeps trying.”

No, he is not some maniac who races everywhere he goes. In fact, Zinselmeyer says he tries to take it slow.

“For the most part I drive it pretty casually,” said Zinsel-meyer. “Though I do try to hit at least 120 mph on Oakland everyday on my way home.”

When buying a car this expensive, there are certain things that it simply must pro-vide. Speed is obviously taken care of and it attracts plenty of attention, but the more civilised things like comfort and luxury have not been overlooked ei-ther. Zinselmeyer has had a wine cooler installed between the driver and passenger seat, and he keeps it stocked with 1978 Dom Perignon.

Another equally important aspect of a car like this is indi-viduality, you want the car to comply with your sense of fash-ion. He has covered this as well by having tortoise shell inlays that match his horn-rimmed

Faculty Pick of the Lot: Zinselmeyer’s Ride

Big Tommy Z poses next to his Lambo.photo | Ethan McIntyre

BY GaryLOCAL GOLF CART MASTER

The release of the iOS app “Madden Mobile 2”, the se-

quel to the ever-popular Mad-den Mobile, was announced last weekend, much to the happi-ness of the freshman and soph-omore classes.

The original game, famous for its ability to detract from the classroom experience and dras-tically lower GPAs, was touted as the best part of class for many students, who can break it out on their handy-dandy iPads anytime. Although the iPads were originally intended for homework and note-taking, students quickly discovered that those tasks weren’t worth their time, and instead prefer going head-to-head against their fel-low classmates with their favor-ite NFL teams.

“There’s nothing quite like getting your team to a higher rank,” said one freshman. “I never knew when I got accepted to SLUH that I’d be introduced to these types of amazing expe-riences.”

The new app includes a ton of new features, some crafted specifically with SLUH students in mind. One such feature is the “Google Drive disguise”; with the tap of a button, the player can hide the game as a Google document. However, this fea-ture is still undergoing testing, as many students claimed to have no idea what a “Google document” was, immediately requesting help when they ac-cidentally pressed it.

“I’m not really sure what was going on there,” said a sophomore. “It was a big white screen, with all sorts of weird icons everywhere, waiting for me to ‘type.’ I was confused, and

glasses installed in the dash-board and along the inside of the doors.

The only problem that Zinselmeyer has been able to find with this car is gas mileage and space. A combined 11 mpg would not exactly qualify as “environmentally friendly,” and only two seats with a laughable trunk leaves room for hauling, well, pretty much just yourself.

“I looked around at some bigger cars at that new Benz dealership at Hampton and Oakland, but then I realised something: Mercedes are for peasants. I need a proper car,” said Zinselmeyer, “Plus I don’t buy into that ‘hole in the ozone’ conspiracy theory concocted by that Al Gore character, and gas is cheap these days.”

While Zinselmeyer reports nearly complete satisfaction with his Muciélago, he has con-sidered selling and putting his money elsewhere.

“With the way tution and the wine market has been mov-ing, I’m thinking either a yacht or a chateau in the French Alps, maybe near a vineyard. Heck, I’ll buy the vineyard too while I’m at it,” he mused.

For now, though, he is content to drive one of the most impressive, yet insane, cars that Lamborghini has ever made.

* “superveloce” is actu-ally Italian, but what’s the dif-ference?

since I was in the middle of class with nothing better to do, I put away my iPad and took a nap.”

But not all the new addi-tions were so perplexing, such as an increase to the maximum rank of your team to 1000, which will provide countless hours of procrastination.

“This should be enough to get me through til the end of senior year,” said a sophomore. “I’ll never have to pay attention to a class in all four years, which is something I’m pretty thrilled about.”

The final and arguably most important feature is the ability to pause in the middle of an online match between two players, which eliminates a huge problem students had with the previous title.

“I’d be in the middle of a game, and then all of a sud-den the teacher would call on me,” said an indignant sopho-more. “That was really annoy-ing. Couldn’t they see I was in the middle of a game? I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

The developers also con-sulted the SLUH administra-tion before putting the app on the market, asking for advice on releasing the game. After the meeting, the game was released on the App Store at an unprece-dented monetary model, priced at $16,000.

“I think it’s a fair tradeoff,” said a smirking Assistant Prin-cipal for Student Life Brock Kesterson.

The developers are aiming for a virtual reality edition of their next game, Madden Mo-bile 3, in the hopes that students will no longer have to even pre-tend they’re in class.

Madden Mobile 2 announcement has

underclassmen in a tizzy

BY Jon JayBIKE LANE USER

Assistant Principal for Stu-dent Life Brock Kesterson

announced Thursday afternoon that an anonymous source was able to unlock an iPad for in-spection, ending a weeks-long feud which raised moral and personal privacy implications of unlocking a personal device.

The ordeal began when Kesterson sent out an all-school email asking if anyone was missing an iPad. After three hours with no response, Kester-son took matters into his own hands. He spent two hours try-ing different passcodes, hoping to get lucky, eventually locking the device for 1,818 minutes and threatening to trigger the iPad’s emergency mode which would delete all of the data saved on the device. After fail-ing to unlock the iPad on his own, Kesterson appealed to an outside source: the SLUH IT de-partment.

Due to both moral and personal security dangers, the department refused to unlock the collaboration machine.

“Students store their lives on these things,” said Direc-tor of Technology Jonathan Dickmann. “Madden Mobile stats, texts to a contact named ‘blonde mixer girl #3,’ and a folder marked ‘Poems for Kate from Cor Jesu’ are all examples of very sensitive items stored on the collaborators’ personal devices.”

Flustered by the the lack of cooperation from the Technol-ogy Department, Kesterson and Principal John Moran teamed up and scoured the Student Handbook for a loophole that would force Dickmann to un-lock the device.

With no success, the ad-ministration went back to the drawing board, and after a week of meetings decided to steal the 1993 Mercedes parked on the turnaround last week. The two

hoped the act would remind students that people in posi-tions of authority can still steal personal property.

“We didn’t want to set a precedent that anyone could use the magical, teamwork-powered devices for any use that wasn’t sanctioned by the administration,” said Moran.

After news of the conflict between the administration and IT department made national headlines, the Technology De-partment released a statement on the Official SLUH Website, which they control completely due to a staff-wide lack of un-derstanding of programming.

“Dear Students who carry a tool of mass collaboration,

The SLUH IT Department has been asked to violate your privacy by unlocking a personal device. To cave to the pressure of the administration would al-low them to access all of your Madden Mobile cards, disrupt-ing the silent harmony of home-

rooms everywhere.”The letter continued to

make a case against the moral implications of unlocking the best school invention since the notebook, but everyone stopped reading after the most vital issue—Madden Mobile—was addressed.

“When I read that they wanted access to Madden Mo-bile I flipped. I’ve been using Los Angeles Rams players and I know I’ll be targeted by the Club Formerly Known As The Rams Fan Club if that gets out,” a freshman told us on the condi-tion that he remain anonymous.

“I let the administration control my life in a lot of ways,” said sophomore Sal Lockwood. “But if they have access to my Madden Mobile where is the line drawn? Is Kesterson going to trade my good players onto his team unfairly? I know he’s been in a rut lately. It’s a slip-pery slope.”

On Thursday afternoon,

Student hacks into iPad for Dr. K, IT department furious

LaBoube holds Science Dept. party at home in WashingtonPhysics teacher and ramp-fan Eric LaBoube held a science depart-ment “get together and together get” at his Washington, Mo. rock quarry last night. LaBoube took department members on a tour of his ranch on his pontoon boat, driven by his dog Light Box. Following the guided tour (many department members said the tour was actually not that guided, given direction only by stories of teaching physics out of a barn.) Later, LaBoube and Light Box held a Ramp Week Classic: Ramp Talk.

Kesterson considers new policy on phones: just say noAssistant Principal for Student Life Brock J. Kesterson said this week that he is considering a “just say no” campaign with a new twist: the program applies to students’ addictions to technology and various sports fantasy programs like “football” and “free te-tris.” “We know this is a problem and kids gotta say ‘no’ to those things,” Kesterson said.

New turf changes colors, insiders say The newly-installed turf field changes colors and is capable of dis-

Around the Alleys

Kesterson and Moran an-nounced that the Collaborator 9000 had been successfully un-locked by an anonymous con-tracted source.

“Turns out it was 1,2,3,4,” said STUCO Tech guru and SSN producer Tom Hillmeyer, who definitely unlocked the device. “But I promised to say I didn’t unlock it, otherwise I won’t be allowed to make Snap-chat geofilters anymore.”

In the end, the iPad had no sensitive information on it. The Macbook-without-a-keyboard

belonged to Fr. Marco M——, SJ, who had thrown the iPhone 6++ out the window when Air-Play stopped working for the

43rd time that day. The Prep News has been blackmailed into withholding the owner’s name under the administra-tion’s threat to log into select reporters’ Snapchat accounts and change the password, ef-fectively ending countless Snap-chat streaks.

The IT department is cur-rently clamoring to discover a lock to the apparent back door into their iPads and declined to comment on the issue, though left an ominous message on the website:

“No Apple product is safe. Run while you can. We will re-turn.”

playing a technicolor rainbow, officials said on the condition of anonymity to avoid facing charges from SLUH’s Leprechauns. Pre-cisely what the colors will be used for is unknown. However, fire drills will be a lot more exciting now.

SLUH Cashbah changes car on the turn-aroundThe SLUH Cashbah committee switched the 1993 Mercedes Benz that was being auctioned online to a brand new Toyota Yaris. The committee was hoping that no one would notice the change, but diligent Prep News reporters noticed the change right away. Eye-witnesses claim they saw two men in suits doing donuts on the Science Center lot in a mid-90s Mercedes.

SLUH decides to add extended Spring Break to 2017 scheduleSLUH Administration decided to add an extended Spring Break to the 2016-2017 schedule. The new Spring Break will stretch from the end of May to mid-August, offering students the chance to for-get everything they learned throughout the year.

MSHSAA to add bashball for Fall ’16 seasonWith heavy pressure from former SLUH basketball coach Don

Maurer (who is now on the MSHSAA board), husband of Marla Maurer, MSHSAA will be adding competitive bashball to the list of official MSHSAA sports. SLUH will be holding tryouts in Au-gust, hoping to win the State Championship. “We are the only ones who actually know the rules, so that’s one advantage,” said head coach Jon Ott, who retired from wrestling earlier this year in or-der to coach the varsity bashball team.

Sustainabills indicted in recent tire slashing incidentsIn order to reduce SLUH’s carbon footprint on the ozone layer, the Sustainability Club held a tire slashing day in the teacher’s lot. The crimes were discovered when history teacher Tom Zinselmey-er’s fuel-efficient Lamborghini was discovered with two slashed front wheels. In order to find information on the situation, Assis-tant Principal for Student Life Brock Kesterson sent an all-school email. After 200 eyewitnesses came forward, Kesterson punished the involved students by forcing them to watch a How It’s Made on paper production and oil fracking.

—Written by James A. Boeheim, Peter M. Kozma, Diane Rehm, Tony, Robert H. Lowe, Charles W. Barkley and the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.