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www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Parenting Young
children (3-10)
John Sharry
www.solutiontalk.ie
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Parenting - An important note
THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO BRING UP CHILDREN What matters is finding a way that works for you, your children and your family
BE CAREFUL ABOUT PARENTING EXPERTS Trust your own intuition and test ideas in your own experience
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Parents Plus Programmes
Video based parenting courses developed by the Parents Plus Charity in the Mater Hospital
www.parentsplus.ie
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Parents Plus Programmes www.parentsplus.ie
Evidence-based, practical parenting courses Parents Plus Early Years Programme ( 1- 6
year olds) John Sharry, Grainne Hampson, Mary Fanning
Parents Plus Childrens Programme (6-11 year olds) John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick
Parents Plus Adolescents Programme (11 – 16 years olds) John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick
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POSITIVE DISCIPLINE Being firm, Able to set rules Teach child to behave
POSITIVE PARENTING Being loving, Caring Encouraging
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PARENT MAKES DECISIONS
Guide and protect children
CHILD MAKES DECSIONS Encouraging Independence
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CARING FOR CHILDREN positive parenting
CARING FOR PARENTS Worklife balance
Sef care
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children Step 4 Encouragement and Praise Step 5 Establishing Good Routines Step 6 Setting Rules with Children Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
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Classic Problem Pattern
Child Misbehaves
Parent/ child Feel upset
Relationship Suffers
Child Escalates
Parent criticizes/ reacts angrily
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Pressing the Pause Button • Pressing the pause button is about
realising you have a choice about how you respond
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A Different Response
Child Misbehaves
Parent feels confident Child feels contained
Relationship improves
Parent chooses
Effective response
Parent presses pause button
Child behaves better
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button
2) Thinking Up Solutions
3) Agreeing a Plan
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Negative Attention Pattern
Child Misbehaves
Parent/ child Feel upset
Relationship Suffers
Child Escalates
Parent criticizes/ reacts angrily
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Positive Attention cycle
Child behaves well
Parent/ child Relationship
improves
Child enjoys praise
Parent feels good
Parent notices, praises
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Buiding your relationship with your child Making a Deposit
Question for discussion • When in the day do you find you get on best
with or have the best chats with your child? • When do you really enjoy being with your
child?
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Putting money in the relationship bank – ‘Making a connection’
• Usually one to one time with child • Good time of day, when child is open • Activity that child enjoys or is interested in • Ideally an activity parent loves also • Activity that allows for chatting and talking • Regularly occuring time – ideally daily
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www.solutiontalk.ie
Deposits – Building your Relationship with your child p23
• Setting aside time to play • Praise and encouragement • Special chats • Going on a walk together • Setting aside time to do an activity your child really enjoys • Teaching your child something • Letting your child teach you something
Reading together at bedtime • Affection and cuddles • Caring • Expressing positive feelings • Listening to your child’s news • Keeping a promise to your child • Soothing your child when they are upset.
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Positive Parenting cycle
Parents sets time aside to play with child
Parent/ child Relationship
improves
Child and parent feel close and connected
Child enjoys play
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The Importance of Play and Special Time with Children
• Helps you understand and enjoy your child • Brings parent and child closer together • Encourages children’s learning • Boosts child’ self-esteem • Reduces behaviour problems •
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The Best Way to Play with Children
• Set aside a special time . • Spend one-on-one time with children . • Choose interactive, imaginative activities • Follow the child’s lead • Encourage Children in Play • Use everyday activities as well as playtime • Enjoy and have fun!
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children Step 4 Encouragement and Praise Step 5 Establishing Good Routines Step 6 Setting Rules with Children Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
www.solutiontalk.ie
Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children Step 4 Encouragement and Praise Step 5 Establishing Good Routines Step 6 Setting Rules with Children Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
www.solutiontalk.ie
Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In What is going on for me as a parent? What is going on for my child? What strategies have worked best in the past? 3) Agreeing a Plan What is the best way to respond? How can I prevent problem from happening again
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www.solutiontalk.ie
Switching Donts to Dos Don’t
Do
• Don’t put that there
• Don’t get angry like that
• Don’t fight with your brother
• Please use your nice voice
• Put it here?/Let me show you
• Lets see the two of you getting on
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Responding to Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In What is going on for my child? What is going on for me as a parent? 3) Choose a response What is the best way to respond now?
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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses 1) Positive Instructions 2) Distractions 3) Soothing/ acknowledging feelings 4) Praise Ignore principle 5) Using Consequences and choices 6) Take protective action
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Creating a Discipline plan • Essentially good discipline is about having a
clear plan of action • Ideally, you have a step by step set of
strategies that you can take in response to your child’s misbehaviour
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www.solutiontalk.ie
Positive Discipline- Step by Step plan 1) Press the pause button 2) Positive Instruction – ‘ssh lets use a quiet voice 3) Distraction - ‘Look, lets play with the blocks’ 4) Soothing – ‘ I know its hard... Lets calm down’ 5) Praise Ignore – e.g ignore whining when tidying
up and praise small steps.. ‘You put the first block in – good boy’
6) Consequence – ‘ when blocks in the box, then you can have Teddy’
7) Back up Consequence ‘if you hit out you will have to sit on the Time Out chair’
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Good Consequences • Are not severe (only have to be small to work) • Affect the child and not the parent • Are immediate and related to misbehaviour (e.g. Toys put
away for a minute if not sharing’) • Start small and can slowly increase • Are repeatable and don’t run out • Ideally a warning is given, so child has a choice to behave • Are delivered respectfully and calmly • Are explained in advance to child
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Planned Consequences and Sanctions • Choose a repeatable sanction that you can easily use in
most situations ( Pocket money, Time Out, TV time) • Think through ‘what, where, how’ of system in advance
and make sure to explain to children in advance • Wan child of consequence ‘if you hit out again you will
have to take a time out’ – Emphasise choice • Follow through calmly – ‘ let the consequence do the
work, not the anger’ • Never run out of sanctions, have sequence of them
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www.solutiontalk.ie
Step by Step Discipline Plan – Older child 1) Remain calm and respectful
2) Focus on positive options for your child – ‘ I want you to ..
OR you cant.. , but you can
3) Acknowledge feelings ‘ I know you feel upset
4) Address disrespect ‘ Please speak politely
5) End conversation if disrespect continues ‘ I can only speak to you when you speak politely to me’
6) Use consequences – If you continue to be rude you will have to take a Time out
7) If you wont go to Time Out you will lose pocket money
8) If rudeness/ aggression continues, take action – e.g. Walk away
9) Follow up later to talk through when things are calmer
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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses 1) Positive Instructions 2) Distractions 3) Soothing/ acknowledging feelings 4) Praise Ignore principle 5) Using Consequences and choices 6) Take protective action
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button 2) Tuning In 3) Agreeing a Plan
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Exercise- take a pause 1) Think of ongoing problem in your home 2)Tune into your child to understand what might be going on 3) Now think of a step by step plan for responding
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Positive Prevention- Plan in Advance 1) Set aside play time – enjoy your child 2) Good routines - e.g bedtime, morning time, etc 3) Avoid problem situation, e.g busy supermarket 4) Encourage good behaviour e.g. Make a big deal
anytime she minds brother 5) Take time to teach child how to behave e.g. How
to dress themselves, How to share 6) Use picture charts and rewards 7) Prioritise own self care and relaxation
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Positive Prevention – Two great principles
• Establishing a Positive Routine – Teaching child a good habit that shows the good behaviour you want.
• Problem Solving - Sitting down and talking problem through with child
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Establishing Routines in Homes
• Good routines are essential in famlies • Good routines reduce misbeahviour and
create good behaviour habits
• Establishing routines takes time and patience. Key is to
1) Have a clear positive goal for the routine 2) Break the routine down into steps 3) Explain routine in advance 4) Use a reward system to get the routine going
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Problem Solving with Children 1) Solving Problems Together • Pick a good place and time to talk • Start Positive and State Goal
2) Listen to Everyone • Listen to Child – help child say what they think and feel • State your own point of view respectfully
3) Think Up Solutions • Ask child to come up with ideas first • Focus on what has worked in past 4) Agree a plan • What ideas will leave everyone feeling happy • Arrange a time meet again to discuss
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Parenting Young
children (3-10)
Part 3
John Sharry
www.solutiontalk.ie
www.solutiontalk.ie
Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In What is going on for me as a parent? What is going on for my child? What strategies have worked best in the past? 3) Agreeing a Plan What is the best way to respond? How can I prevent problem from happening again
www.solutiontalk.ie
Further talks and information
Parenting Articles and Features www.solutiontalk.ie Parenting Talks Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April
www.solutiontalk.ie/events Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page www.facebook.com/solutiontalk Q&A: [email protected]
www.solutiontalk.ie
Articles and Information www.solutiontalk.ie www.facebook.com/solutiontalk
@JohnSharryIRL Q&A: [email protected] Further Family Seminars • Promoting positive self-esteem in children • 'Overcoming Bullying and Helping Children Get Along’ • 'Helping Children make Good Choices about
Alcohol, Drugs and Sex’ • Overcoming anxiety and worries • 'Positive Family Relationships
More information
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children Step 4 Encouragement and Praise Step 5 Establishing Good Routines Step 6 Setting Rules with Children Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Parenting ‘Be encouraging/ build your
children’s self-esteem’
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Encouraging Self-Esteem - Summary 1. Help your child discover and express their
strengths and talents 2. Praise and encourage your child’s positive
qualities not positive results 3. Encourage Responsibility and Skill Mastery 4. Help your children contribute socially
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Encouragement cycle
Child behaves well
Parent/ child Relationship
improves
Child enjoys praise
Parent feels good
Parent notices, praises
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Becoming an Encouraging parent
Critical Parent • That’s not right
Encouraging Parent • Try it like this…good boy
• Don’t get angry like that
• Why ddn’t you pick the blue block?
• I know you are upset at having to leave
• Oh you picked the green block, you like green
• Why are you so aggressive? • I know you can be kind and considerate with your brother.. Lets see more of that
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Encouraging Responsibility Don’t’ do for a child anything That they can do for themselves
1) Skill mastery in everyday chores and
activities is a big source of self-esteem. 2) Much conflict is caused by parents taking
too much responsibilty for children
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Tasks to teach your child
Young Child • Feeding oneself • Getting dressed • Tidying room • Helping with cooking meals • Helping with laundry • Helping with weekly
shopping • Washing-up Others...................................•
Older Child/ Teen • Mowing the grass• • Painting a room• • Paying bills• • Locking doors at night• • Changing the oil in the car• • Mending an electric fuse• • Wiring an electric plug• • Caring for a younger child•
Others...................................•
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Encouraging Self-Esteem/Responsibility 1. What personal/ household tasks can each
of your children complete? 2. What tasks are they ready to learn next? 3. What responsibilities are they ready to
take on? 4. How can you teach these new tasks in a
fun way?
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button 2) Tuning In 3) Agreeing a Plan
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Problem Example 1 – Sibling Rivalry
Two boys are always fighting, constant tension. One boy always seems to be picking on the other, who runs crying to the parent who punishes first child.
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Sibling Rivlary 1) Press the pause button
• Parents usually reacts by trying to referee the children’s fighting – getting involved trying to decide who is wrong and then disciplining this child.
• Inadvertently she is siding with the younger child. This can leave the older boy feeling defensive and
• more likely to misbehave and the younger boy to continue to be a victim.
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Step by Step Discipline Plan Example – siblings fighting
1. Positive Instruction - ‘Listen guys, lets all share/ lets take turns’,
PAUSE 2. Remind/ Encourage - ‘The two of you are so good at
sharing’./ ‘ I know the two of you can get on’ PAUSE 3. Consequence - ‘The toys get put away, until you share’ PAUSE 4. Consequence 2 – Ssh, When you calm, down the toy comes
back’ . PAUSE 5. Consequence 2 – Be kind, or you will both have to separate
for a minute’.
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Prevention Plan – Sibling Rivalry
1. Set aside one-to-one time with each child, when you can enjoy their company and listen to them alone.
2. Set up playtime with both children supporting them playing cooperatively together e.g. Put them on the same team
3. Encourage together – you are great brothers sharing like that 4. Always encourage both - J put out the plates and B you did the cutlery 5. Use a team picture chart e.g. Working as a team in the morning. 6. Problem Solve together - sit down with both children and help them
discuss ways they can get on. The focus is on finding a solution rather than analysing who is wrong.
7. Problem Solve individually - sit down with each child, without taking sides, listen to their perspective and help them find a solution - ‘How can you get on with your sister?’
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Example 3 – Homework and Study • Child appears little motivated in study and
homework has become a battle between parent and child. Parent thinks child is ‘lazy’or not applying himself and parent is very worried about the child failing exams
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In What is going on for me as a parent? What is going on for my child? What strategies have worked best in the past? 3) Agreeing a Plan What is the best way to respond? How can I prevent problem from happening again
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Homework - Plan of action
Discipline Plan 1) Set up a clear homework routine in the house ( with natural
reward and consequence) 2) Dailiy, check what homework child has ( or study plan) and
help child plan 3) Be around to support child doing homework, but don’t into
criticism or cajoling 4) Have a ritual of reviewing what homework has been done
( what have you learnt today?)
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Homework - Plan of action
Prevention Plan 1) Sit down and problem solve with your child around study and
homework. Tune into your child and understand what is the issue for your child doing homework
2) Agree a routine and reward deal with your child around study and homework
3) Work closely with school about homework and study routine. Get extra help as needed
4) Discovers what really What could really motivate your child around this?
5) Change your own perspective on study, back off and let child take responsbility. Think through a plan B on education
6) Encourages child in doing other activities that child is good at (to build self-esteem etc.).
7) set aside a daily connecting time with the child (which is study free)
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Example 2 – Anxious Child • Child is very anxious a lot of the time,
expressing worries about loads of different things. Parent alternates between spending lots of time trying to reassure the child becoming really anxious themselves OR becomes exasperated and dismisses the worries angrily
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In What is going on for me as a parent? What is going on for my child? What strategies have worked best in the past? 3) Agreeing a Plan What is the best way to respond? How can I prevent problem from happening again
www.solutiontalk.ie
Anxiety - Plan of action
Discipline Plan 1) Parent remains calm when dealing with worries 2) Sets aside a daily worry time, when childs worries
will be talked about BUT at other times parent will not engage in worry talk.
3) Outside worry time, parent will distract or gently move on from worries, ‘Lets talk about something else now.’
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Anxiety - Plan of action
Prevention Plan 1.Parent takes time to address causes of worries where possible. 2) During worry time, parent listens empathically andencourages
child to come up with solutions, ‘What can we do to help?’ 3) Parent coaches child in relaxation or stress management
techniques 4) Encourages child in doing other ‘worry free’ happy activities
that child is good at (to build self-esteem etc.). 5) Parents set aside a daily playtime with the child (which is worry
free)
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Encouraging Responsibility Don’t’ do for a child anything That they can do for themselves
1) Skill mastery in everyday chores and
activities is a big source of self-esteem. 2) Much conflict is caused by parents taking
too much responsibilty for children
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Encouraging Responsibility · 1) What chores/ responsibilities do your
children currently have? · 2) What responsibilities could you handover
to them? · 3) How could you teach them these chores/
skills in a fun empowering way?
www.solutiontalk.ie
Further talks and information
Parenting Articles and Features www.solutiontalk.ie Parenting Talks Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April
www.solutiontalk.ie/events Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page www.facebook.com/solutiontalk Q&A: [email protected]
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Parenting cycle
Parents sets time aside to play with child
Parent/ child Relationship
improves
Child and parent feel close and connected
Child enjoys play
www.solutiontalk.ie © John Sharry 2009
Positive Parenting - Summary • * Commit to having a daily ‘parent time’ for yourself ( even ten
minutes) doing something you like ( e.g. having a walk) when you can relax or take time to reflect.
• * Make sure to have a regular one to one time with each of your children, in play or just chatting and talking or doing something you both enjoy.
• * Become aware of the times you respond positively to your child’s request for attention. * Practice being encouraging and always focusing on positive first
• * In conflict, remember to pause and try to hold expressing too many negative emotions.
• * Practice first tuning into your child first and understanding their point of view.
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Tuning into your children • Understanding how your children think, how they
feel and how they see the world... • Being empathic/ ‘Getting inside their head’ • Sensitive to their developmental stage