“Plan B” Parenting with a Purpose

By Herald Cruz

My Family(Pamilyang Cruz ‘07)

My Children(Pamilyang Cruz ‘09)

I. The Family Today

Based on the Barney Song

My Family’s Is Just Right For Me

• Verse 1

I have a friend who lives with his mom and dad,with his brother and his sister too. They have a cat and a dog and a pet bullfrog, And I am really glad they do.

• Verse 2

There's a girl I know who lives with her mom, and her dad lives far away. Although she sees her parents just one at a time, They both love her everyday.

• Verse 3.

I know a boy whose new he just moved in, he moved from Alabama. And the person whose the head of his family, is his loving, dear ole grandma.

• Chorus:A family is people and a family is love,

That's a family. They come in all different sizes and different kinds, But mine is just right for me, Yeah,

mine is right for me.

Kamusta tayo sa solo parenting?

Paano ako makakasigura

do na tama ang

pagpapalaki ninyo sa akin?

Introduction

“Filipino Consciousness” “…He came that we

might have life and have it more abundantly.”

John 10:10 “Healthy families will result to a healthy individuals, healthy

communities, and a nation… kahit sole parenting”

I. Stages of Family Life “Baitang ng buhay pagpapamilya”

Stages of Family Life

Phase of most parents

• developing intimacy in marriage

• career development

• searching fit between goals (naisin) and achievement (nagawa na)

• re-establishing priorities (pagsasaayos)

Young Adulthood to Middle Adulthood

II. Parenting Styles

•Autocratic •Permissive•Democratic

Autocratic Parenting“Walang tanong-tanong”

“Tandaan mo ha, anak lang kita!

Autocratic Parenting

•resentful, rebellious & dependent

strict, controlling , order w/o freedom

low initiative, low self-esteem,

poor communication skills

Parenting Myths

•Indulgent “spoiled”

Permissive Parenting“Ibigay ang hilig”

““Kung ayaw mong gawin Kung ayaw mong gawin ang assignment mo, sige ang assignment mo, sige lang laro na lang tayo.” lang laro na lang tayo.”

Negligent “pabaya”

““Bahala ka nalang Bahala ka nalang sa buhay mo, ano sa buhay mo, ano

paba ang magagawa paba ang magagawa ko?” ko?”

Permissive Parenting

tolerant and lax freedom without order unlimited choices

manipulative irresponsible socially incompetent

UnderachieverSelf-Centered

Poor moral values

A need for balance

• Autocratic

• Permissive

• Democratic

Democratic Parenting“Itutuwid para sa hinaharap”

““Medyo kulang ang budget para Medyo kulang ang budget para sa birthday mo, ano kaya sa birthday mo, ano kaya

pwede nating gawin?”pwede nating gawin?”

Democratic Parenting

•Firmness with respect Freedom with order Limited choices

Self-ReliantSelf-giving

Socially competentWell-formed values

Responsible Confident Capable adults

Aiming to be Democratic“Layunin”

• Set limits and expectations

• Respect choices

• Provide challenging opportunities

• Negotiate

• Power-sharing

Summary

Autocratic Democratic Permissive

Order w/o Freedom

Order w/Freedom

Freedom w/o Order

DependentResentfulRebellious

IrresponsibleManipulativeDemanding

ConfidentResponsible

Capable

ROBOTS MONSTERBALANCED

III. Human Development“Baitang ng paglago”

• Developmental Stage with specific patterns of behavior

• Developmental tasks to be negotiated for smooth transition.

ERIK ERIKSON

Crisis/Stages

Developmental Stages of a Child

Adolescence

12-19

Identity vs Role

Confusion

Friends

Allowed to

develop own

identity

Social CrisisCircle of Influence Needs

IV. TEEN SITUATIONER

Personally Considered Wrong (in %)(Metro Manila)

0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100

Use forbidden drugs

Cheat on boyfriend/girlfriend

Sell or buy illegal drugs

Take something w/o paying

Sell oneself for sex

Stay away from school/work

Drunk driving

Avoid paying taxes

Marital infidelity

Divorce/separation

Look at porn material

Hazing

Cheat in school

Use violence

20002005

1992

28

Personally Considered Wrong (in %) cont’d(Metro Manila)

0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100

Smoke cigarettes

Use sexually explicit language

Sell porn material

Pre-marital sex

Gambling

Phone/internet sex

Getting drunk

Race a car or motorbike

Abortion

Homosexual relationship

Use a prostitute

20002005

1992

29

Brain Development

Maturation Occurs from Back to Front of the Brain

Images of Brain Development in Healthy Youth (Ages 5 – 20)

Blue represents maturing of brain areas

Copyright © 2004 The National Academy of Sciences, USAGogtay, N., Giedd, J.N., et al. (2004)

Dynamic mapping of human cortical development during childhood through early adulthoodProceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 101 (21), 8174 – 8179

V. STAGES OF ADOLESCENTS

Expect impulsivity, poor judgment, emotionality

• “On second thought…” not in the repertoire

• Parents must anticipate - teens need help with this

• Less than optimal planning and judgment

Summary

Find theFind the UNIQUENESS UNIQUENESS

“katangian”“katangian”

Acknowledge theAcknowledge the DIFFERENTNESS DIFFERENTNESS

“kaibahan”“kaibahan”

Celebrate theCelebrate the SPECIALNESS SPECIALNESS

“espesyal”“espesyal”

Summary

1.1. Control financesControl finances2.2. Explain to your kids earlyExplain to your kids early3.3. Look for support and use itLook for support and use it4.4. Take time for the familyTake time for the family5.5. Be good to yourselfBe good to yourself6.6. Be an exampleBe an example7.7. Treat kids like kidsTreat kids like kids8.8. Look for the gem Look for the gem

Pagtatapos

Building a Positive Relationship with Your

Teens

Open Forum