The Academy Spice

Valerie Micek’09Section Editor The Celebration of Leadership Committee faces a difficult decision for next year’s honorary speaker. According to Mr. Hun-ker, both Flavor Flav and Joaquin Phoenix “have led

Alex Johnson’09Section Eidtor After months of heated debate within the Academy community, the Columbus Academy Board of Trustees, in partnership with school administrators, announced last week it will be prohib-iting students from using the online networking site Facebook. While an official state-ment is still pending, Head-master John Mackenzie’s Facebook status as of this morning did read: “John Mackenzie is the Board just told me to shut down Face-book. Sorry guys :((((.” An anonymous source on the Board had this to say: “The Board feels Facebook is detrimental to the learning process here at Academy. Not to mention, Facebook is pretty much just MySpace now, what with all the unnecessary applica-

tions.” Student reaction was somewhat apathetic. In a poll conducted by The Acad-emy Life, 63% of students, upon being asked whether the Facebook ruling upset them, responded, “No, I don’t really care.” Senior David Gantos commented, “It’s no big deal. I’ve pretty much

stopped checking [my Fa-cebook]. All you get is like seven Vampire invitations a day. It’s just a waste of my time.” Early reports indicate the Academy faculty has taken a different stance regard-ing the Board’s decision. Witnesses have described numerous “chain messages,” either started or forwarded

by faculty members as proof of such an insurgency. One such chain message, obtained by The Academy Life, reads as follows: “The Board of Trustees is trying to shut down Facebook!!!!! We can’t let this happen. Forward this message to ten Academy students and teachers or else you will be

Facebook Banned

Flavor Flav, Joaquin Phoenix To Speak at CA

lives built on foundations of leadership and strong values.” Flav, a rapper and reality television show star, is best known for wearing large clocks around his neck to demonstrate his belief that time is of the essence. While some may question

his qualifications, the heads of our school maintain it is Flav’s life experiences from which students and faculty alike can learn. He has been in and out of jail since high school and has made ap-pearances at rehabilitation centers for drug addiction. Administrators feel strongly about the importance of exposing Academy students to a different side of life than what we normally encounter. Phoenix has become a stronger candidate since his recent change in lifestyle. The celebrated actor, per-haps most famous for his role as Johnny Cash in the 2005 movie Walk the Line, announced he has retired

from acting to pursue a career as a hip hop artist. His behavior became even stranger when he appeared on David Letter-man’s show sporting a bushy black beard and large sunglasses. He proceeded to answer Letterman’s ques-tions with mumbles and grunts, and the occasional “I don’t know.” Administra-tors maintain Phoenix’s sudden change is exactly what makes him such an interesting speaker. “Our only concern is that he will neither give a speech nor answer students’ questions, but instead use the allotted time to share the rap music he has been composing,” commented Hunker.

Flav, showing viking spirit, poses for a leadership shot.

Continued on Page II

April 1, 2009The Columbus Academy Volume LXXX. No. 2

Minus 10 Days

Sam Korda’09Co-Editor in Chief Recently, the upper school administration has decided to enact a radical new change in the schedule for days when students at-tend extended assemblies or junior speeches. To ensure members of the upper school can avoid fatigue and retain the necessary energy to put in a good day’s work, grade level deans, Sheri Dillon and Tim Leet, and upper school head, Shane MacElhiney, have decided to institute “Minus-Ten” days. On days when Assembly ends on or just before 11:00, fourth and fifth periods, as well as lunch, will begin ten minutes earlier than they normally do, while seventh and eighth periods will re-sume the schedule as usual. This decision comes

Columbus Academy faculty are in an uproar over the banning of Facebook on campus.

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Book Review: Chicken Soup for the Viking Soul

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Phoenix says goodbye to acting and hello to CA.

Whatever the decision is, Academy students, faculty, and parents are in for a spe-cial treat. If the 2009 event is as successful as usual, the committee may look into inviting even more inspira-tional figures such as Paris Hilton.

Continued on Page III

Photo Courtey blog.movieset.com

Student Council Enacts “Freshmen Laws”John Bacon’12Contributing Writer In an unprecedented move during Monday’s stu-dent council meeting, upper class students in attendance approved a new method of clearing freshmen from the upstairs hallway in Dennett Hall. First making its appear-ance in the movie Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, this new device is known as a boulder trap. When freshmen levels exceed a certain threshold, the trap will be triggered, causing a several ton gran-ite boulder to fall and roll down the hallway, stunning any freshmen away. “We’ve been telling the

NewsII

The Academy Life Staff2008-2009 Co-editors-In Chief: Krupa Harishankar’09 and Sam Korda’09

Section Editors: Michael Brown’09, Ali Dillon’09, Alex Johnson’09, Valerie Micek’09, and Evan Sheets’09

Layout: Sarah Cohen’11, Samir Saxena’11. and Henry Shorr’11

Staff Writers: Samantha Klosterman’10 and Nathaniel Sutton’10

Photographers: Michael Brown’09 and Nathaniel Sutton’10

Advisor: Mrs. Patricia Hogan

Students of The Columbus Academy produce The Academy Life throughout the school year. Students devote time after studies and other school commitments to attend meetings, cover events, write articles, complete lay-out, and take photographs. The Academy Life strives for accuracy in all reporting. Contributors cover student government, Service, art and athletic events, and entertainment. Each issue features student opinion. Co-editors, the managing editor, and section editors compose the paper’s Editorial Section. The Academy Life welcomes signed letters to the editors. Letters may be sent to The Academy Life at The Columbus Academy address, faxed to 614-475-0396, placed in Academy Hall’s Academy Life mail-box, or emailed to the faculty advisor (Pat_Hogan@columbusacademy.org). Students, alumni, families, faculty, and staff in the Academy community may write letters to the editor which The Academy Life reserves the right to edit or to reject.

visited by a five-foot tall ghost kitten while you’re sleeping.” Upper school English teacher, Andrew Morris, remarked, “This is an out-rage. I’ve spent all this time collecting Monty Python quotes for my profile. Now it was all just a waste. This is a total infringement of my rights. Knee!” Elsewhere, an unnamed upper school teacher re-marked, “Well, at least now students will stop pester-ing me about being their friends. But I will miss the Superpoking. I can no longer throw a cow at some-one.” The debate over the Board’s decision rages on with no clear end in sight. To date, 93 students and faculty members have joined the Facebook group titled “Stop Columbus Academy from prohibiting the use of Facebook” in protest, with close to thirty members act-ing as administrators with ridiculous titles. As of late last evening, this was the second largest Academy Facebook group behind “Save Creamed Chicken over Biscuits.”

Facebook, Continued from Page I

freshmen to stop crowding the hallway all year,” said Austin Bening, student council president. “This is just what they get for mess-ing with the upperclass-men.” The boulder will make its debut in mid-April. Stu-dent council suggests upper classmen stay in their loun-ges when they hear deep rumblings from upstairs. Suggestions for freshmen include ducking into rooms, getting into the airline brace positions on the benches, or squeezing into the bases of the walls and hoping the boulder does not flatten them. Any troubled students should report to the nurse immediately.

Student council drew its inspiration for the “Freshman Laws” from the boulder trap seen in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. The council has approved the method and plans to invest its funds to purchase a giant boulder, such as that pictured above.

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Michael Brown’09Section Editor In an abrupt and heart-less move, the Academy has cemented the decision to enforce the use of cursive throughout all levels of the school in this upcoming, final quarter. The verdict on this controversial issue was resolved during the school’s two- week Spring Break as several teachers voluntarily relinquished their vacations to change every lesson plan and grading rubric into the cursive form. The school’s faculty, during its Monday, March 30th, morning meeting, applauded this rule, so students would have the op-portunity to have the finest handwriting. A different opinion among students ra-pidly occurred as they began to pour back onto campus after the break. At first, classes resumed with almost all students not recogniz-ing the changes. But when the news hit and students in the 7th grade were asked

Cursive Writing Mandated At CAPrinting By Hand, Typing Also Banned From Classrooms

to write a paragraph about their vacations, kids were seen reportedly banging their fists into walls and desks, desperately trying to

remember how to write a capital, cursive “Z.” A nameless sophomore was seen pulling her hair out because she couldn’t

tell the difference between the number “2” and the cursive capital “Q.” Another student, again, not to be named due to sheer inevita-ble embarrassment, report-edly took one look at his essay prompt question and ran from the room in his undergarments, screaming in unrecognizable gibberish. When asked her opinion on the new legislation inter-rupting the peace at Acad-emy, a junior responded, “We had to write in cursive for both the SAT and ACT tests. Before then, I hadn’t used cursive since 4th grade. Why are they torturing us? Don’t they realize it will take us ten minutes just to write our names?” Apparently, not. Lower school faculty members de-clared to students years ago the cursive form would be used throughout their Aca-demy lifetime and beyond. So technically, students should have been ready for the change, as it appears the teachers are finally making good on that claim.

The Academy Life recommends that those students who have forgotten cursive writing practice with the template pictured above in order to prepare for the ordeal to come.

Photo Courtesy www.neillemons.com

News III

Nathaniel Sutton’10Staff Writer They arrive early in the morning, standing resolute in front of Academy’s doors. Puissant, efficacious, dy-namic. There is no match for this fabled coalition. As one administrator noted, “They, and they alone, are the motivated force in the making of Academy’s his-tory.” So, who are these watch-men? The coast guard? The marines? No. They are Acad-emy’s kindergarten students, a conduit of transportation unlike any other. Beginning at 7:00 AM sharp, they form a line stretching from the senior parking lot into the senior lounge. As seniors lumber through the lot, the kindergarteners start their tedious work. Approach-ing the vehicles with little caution, they grab bag after bag, hauling them (some-times four at a time) towards the distant warmth of the indoors. As their buddies con-front the trek back to the

lounge, the seniors meander their way inside with little purpose. One senior even noted, “It’s as if I have more need of them than they have need of me.” The kindergar-teners seem to have a differ-ent outlook on the situation, though. One particularly “ripped” six-year-old said, “I feel great. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of days, but I think I am around 55. I feel calm.” This emphasis on strength has shocked some parents, who argue it is too early to be worrying about “getting big.” Others fami-lies complain the system

is breeding apathy among the graduating class and compounding senioritis. For the kindergarten teachers, though, this was a no-brainer. One proud teacher said, “Soon, my six-year-olds will be able to carry their senior buddies to class. To me, that’s a real accomplish-ment.” As the seniors relax in their lounge, the kinder-garteners move away from [seniors’] cars in a solemn procession towards the brightly-lit school, backpacks in hand, as cold air whips across their determined faces.

Lifting Program InstitutedIn Kindergarten Classes

As part of their training, the kindergarten students will trade their kid-sized backpacks for much heavier ones.

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Evan Sheets’09Section Editor After weeks of delibera-tion, The Columbus Acad-emy Fashion Committee (CAFC) concluded it was impossible for any faculty member to eclipse the pure style and fashion sense of the deified “Lord of Layers” Mr. Izzo, and has given up its search for the next best dressed faculty member of the year. CAFC made the tough decision of dropping the names of perennial power-houses such as Mr. “Sultan of the Sweater” Exline and Dr. “The British Beauty” Heale. Instead, CAFC will simply award Mr. Izzo the lifetime fashion achievement award for his continued dedication to looking good. Senior Michael Brown sums it up best: “When you see [Mr. Izzo] walking down the hallway, hair combed ever so perfectly, tie per-fectly straight, and coattail flapping in the wind, you can’t help but admire the man.”

Mr. Izzo: “Best Dressed” In short, Mr. Izzo’s out-fits demand attention and respect. But how has Mr. Izzo shaped his mind-bog-gling sense of fashion? Years and years of practice. From a very young age, little Mr. Izzo was attentive to fashion. Everything from his pacifier to his bibs to his socks had to match. But he didn’thave a favorite color. He only liked argyle. And his bedtime story of choice wasn’t a petty Dr. Seuss novel. He had his mother read him articles from Vogue until he fell asleep. And his first word? “Panache.” (Look it up.) We should all aspire to be a little more like Mr. Izzo. Next time you see him in the hall,

thank him because the amount of heat he mustfeel under his undershirt, button-up, tie, sweater, heavier sweater, coat, heavier coat, scarf, and hat must be nearly unbearable. And he does it all for you. So, take in the eye candy, be impressed, and for goodness’ sake show a little panache when you’re in the presence of the Lord of Lay- ers, our own Mr. Izzo.

Pictured Left: Mr. Izzo began

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in the wake of numerous complaints from faculty with classes after activities but before lunch that too many of their students have been collapsing from lack of protein. Apparently, when deprived of both the op-portunity to acquire snacks normally present during activities and when forced to endure an interminably long period of time between meals, many Academy stu-dents succumb to extreme fatigue and pass out. These new “Minus-Ten” days seek to remedy this problem by allowing students to go to lunch at an earlier time than normal.

Leet and Dillon both realize this change might account for a large number of students being late to their fourth period classes, but recognize the trade-off is well worth it. “Either way, class is going to be disrupt-ed,” remarked Leet. “Person-ally, I’d rather students be late, because if we continue to have them knocked un-conscious during class, the teacher has to take measures like checking for injuries, picking some students to carry their fallen comrade to the nurse’s office, all this stuff. And it just becomes this big ordeal.” No longer an ordeal, the former prob-lems of “Plus-Ten” days can now be avoided.

Minus Ten, Continued From Page I

Garden to Replace Quad

Samantha Klosterman’10Staff Writer With the end of the school year drawing nearer and the economy worsening, Academy is looking for ways not only to save money but also to become a greener school. This leads us to one of next year’s biggest changes. (Drum roll, please!) Academy will be completely self-sustaining in its food

supply for dining hall lunches. Plowing the senior quad is slated to begin one week after this year’s Com-mencement.

The quad will still be available to students who wish to engage in plant-ing, weeding, watering, and harvesting, and the com-munity will be a better place because of this change. Additionally, every one who plays sports on the fields be-hind the tennis courts will have to be especially careful because livestock will be oc-cupying the second field.

Academy is optimistic about how much money will be saved and looks forward to the benefits of being a self-sustaining institution.

In the week following Commencement, the Senior Quad will be plowed so it can be turned into a vegetable garden.

Photo Courtey www.operationmilitarykids.org

Next year, livestock will occupy certain athletic fields.

Photo Courtey www.avantetech.com

College Counseling Extended to LS and MSAli Dillon’09Section Editor Did you present seniors and other upper schoolers hate those lower school math packets? Remember the summer reading lists that went on and on? Well, now it’s clear we had it easy. Believe it or not, 4th

Mr. Tong to Teach Elvish

Krupa Harishankar’09Co-Editor in Chief Beginning with the 2009-2010 school year, the Co-lumbus Academy will offer Elvish among its language options. Teaching this course will be Academy’s own Elvish expert, Mr. Tong. Upon notification of this opportunity, Tong expressed excitement and immediately began preparing a curricu-lum. After much delibera-tion, he decided to cover the two main Elvish dialects,

Quenya and Sindarin, devoting one semester to each. Tong, who has spent years studying the intricacies of this highly evolved and practicable language, only regrets that the course will not involve more cultural immersion. In fact, first-hand expe-rience is the only element missing from Tong’s exten-sive research. Alas, Tong regrets that he has, as of yet, been unable to visit the lands of Rivendell (or Imladris, as it is called in

grade teachers: Mrs. Olsen, Mrs. Kuss, Mrs. Altier, and Mrs.Hopping have added Princeton Review’s Cracking the SAT and Barron’s Guide to the Most Competitive Colleges to the summer curriculum for students entering fifth grade this fall. This summer’s work will

serve as a prerequisite for the weekly SAT vocabulary quizzes and ACT gram-mar sections that will be a staple throughout the ’09-10 school year. SAT and ACT assessments will follow the “Mad-Minute” addition and subtraction quizzes we all loved in lower school. For example, one segment of these new lessons will re-quire fifth-graders to define 60 words in 60 seconds. Talk about learning time management. Prompted by Mrs. Hey-wood and Mr. Jones, this implementation requires fifth- eighth grade students to attend weekly college counseling meetings. Mrs. Heywood states, “Meetings will address the do’s and don’ts of the college appli-cation process, ways to get into your top choices, and working first drafts of com-mon application essays.” Mr. Maccow will even make guest appearances to host role-play collegeinterviews. Along with Maccow, our college coun-selors have no doubts about

Beard Contest Alex Johnson’09Section Editor

Upper School Dean Tim “Indie Beard” Leet and Upper School

Head Shane “Irish Forest” MacElhiney have concluded their month long “beard off,” dubbed

Mantastic March. On February 28, the two agreed to terms of the

competition, which prohibited the use of “performance enhancers” such as zinc tablets, Rogaine, and

ZZ Top albums. Both Leet and MacElhiney did, however, express

their outrage over the ultimate write-in victory of English teacher Andrew Morris. On winning the

competition, Dr. Morris said, “What? Oh, I just forgot to shave

this morning.”

NewsIV

College Counseling Directors Mrs. Heywood and Mr. Jones give a second grader a head-start on SAT prep.

Sindarin, Tong notes). Tong will attempt to simulate the Elvish culture, however, by mandating the wearing of pointy ears dur-ing class time and offering activities such as an archery workshop. He encourages interested students to begin studying The Lord of the Rings, which will be the course’s main textbook. The class, which will be slotted as a zero period next year, is expected to have record levels of enrollment.

Mr. Tong has been offered a chance to share his extensive knowledge of Elvish with CA.

Photo by Sarah Cohen’11

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middle schoolers’ capabili-ties. Mr. Jones comments, “We hope students have five reach, possibility and sleep-at-night schools by the end of sixth grade.” Jones feels this is a realistic goal be-cause students should have a promising foundation of college knowledge after com-pleting the “light” fourth-grade summer reading. Some might call this new program zealous, but middle school dean, Mrs. Carter, is a big fan. She is hopping on board and revamping the 8th-Grade Washing-ton DC field trip to make college visits along the way. Mrs. Carter hopes to get five tours and information sessions. She states, “I’ve cut bowling, shopping time, and the Lincoln Memorial. I need to keep the kids’ best interests in mind.” These new programs should prove advantageous to upper school bound students. We might just find an all time high of National Merit finalists and students looking for super-status profiles.

Stacks of college prep. books such as these will be-come commonplace in the homes of lower and middle school Academy students.

Photo Courtey www.darienlibrary.org