Perfecting Connecting - Sarah Michel

PERFECTING CONNECTING™

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AcknowledgmentsThis guide simply would not have happened without the tremendous support, guidance, encouragement, and enthusiasm of many people in my network.

• To my husband, Fred, and my daughters, Taylor and Madison, who support and nurture me to be the connector that I am. I love you so much!

• To Kris Kiler for your creativity and constant encouragement and for believing that I had a significant message and contribution to make and somehow getting me to write it! I will be forever grateful to you for the impact you have made on my career.

• To Linda Berens for your willingness to share your steadfast knowledge of temperament with me and for being such a great teacher and mentor. My life changed when our paths crossed.

• To all my NSA colleagues for holding me accountable to get this guide written and for sharing all your wisdom and knowledge about publishing and product development. I’m so proud to be a member of such a professional and caring organization.

• To my Temperament Research Institute colleagues and friends who have impacted my professional life and helped to make me a better trainer, speaker, and facilitator, especially David Specht, Scott Campbell, Linda Ernst, Melissa Smith, and Marci Segal.

• To my mother, Patricia, who modeled for me what a true connector was, and my father, Charles, who has always made me feel like I have a rare talent and unique gift.

Copyright ©2004 Sarah MichelAll rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher,

addressed “Attention: Permission Coordinator,” at the address below.

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Perfecting Connecting is a trademark of Pathways, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Understanding Yourself and Others is a registered trademark of Telos Publications, Fountain Valley, California. MBTI and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator are trademarks or registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust in the United States and other countries.

Contents

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Section 1: Introduction....................................................................................1

Section 2: The Philosophy of Connectional Networking............................2

Section 3: Understanding Your Temperament.............................................4

Section 4: Perfecting Connecting™ Proven Strategies ................................12

Section 5: Capitalizing on Your Natural Style ............................................20

Section 6: Your Perfecting Connecting™ Action Plan..................................22

Appendix A: Questions to Ask.................................................................................... 31

Appendix B: References................................................................................................ 32

Networking NotesPERFECTING CONNECTING™

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Introduction 1

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Networking has become the single most important life skill in determining business and personal success. Your ability to be connected within your organization and externally with your network will determine your next promotion, sale, or job offer.

Sadly, most people practice transactional network-ing and network only with those they think they have to in order to complete a transaction. They engage their network only when they need to make a sale, want to find a job, or are looking for an opportunity. As soon as they find what they’re looking for, they drop those who helped them off their radar screen and don’t talk to them again until they need to make another transaction.

This is why networking is considered by many to be a “dirty word.” If you have been a victim of, or guilty of, “network using,” or as I like to say, “network drive-bys,” this guide is for you.

Connectional networking occurs when you take the time to cultivate a relationship—give back to it—encour-aging it to grow and prosper. In other words, connec-tional networking occurs when you nurture and care for a relationship, expecting nothing in return. Real connec-tors embrace the philosophy that all things are possible if you first help those in your network get what they want and need.

Some of us believe we’re not good at networking and give up altogether, failing to see the strengths that our personality patterns and unique talents bring to the networking process.

What differentiates this guide from other network-ing books is a simple but essential realization: people are different and unique. How you want people to con-nect with you is not necessarily how another person prefers his or her interactions. Once you understand what drives a person’s personality, behaviors, and communica-tion agenda, you will be able to fully connect with any-one—even at your first meeting.

This guide will become your “instruction manual” for how to speak the language of others to accelerate your ability to make a long-lasting connection with a new or existing contact.

For centuries, our great Philosophers, educators, and researches have identified four distinct patterns of behavior that all humankind falls into. The modern word for these patterns is temperament. Understanding tem-perament will help you to increase your self-awareness, which is the key to better self-management. When you understand how people are different from you and how you can modify your behavior and communication style to improve your connections, then you will be on your way to Perfecting Connecting™.

This guide will help you to become a better connec-tor by helping you understand that each of the four tem-peraments approaches networking differently and that all four have the potential for equal success. Finding your unique voice and learning how to capitalize on it will bring you new connections and opportunities that you never thought were possible.

The belief that only extraverted personality types can be successful at networking is simply a myth. Con-nectional networking happens one-on-one, and is not about “working a room” to collect the most business cards and taking no prisoners.

This guide is packed with proven strategies and tools for improving your connections and cultivating your network. If you open your mind to these techniques and practice your newfound awareness of personality dif-ferences, you’ll see dramatic results in your professional and personal life.

If you’re ready to take advantage of the uniqueness within yourself and others, would like to expand your network, or are in a career transition, then reach for a writing implement and jump in for an essential journey into Perfecting Connecting™.

The Philosophy of Connectional Networking 2


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“You can have anything you want in life, if you help others get what they want first.”

—Zig Ziglar

In the spring of 1975 in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan, I was in the ninth grade when the results of the school’s mock elections were announced: the students of East Hills Junior High elected me as their Gossip Queen.

What my unsophisticated classmates didn’t realize twenty-five years ago, was that I wasn’t gossiping—I was networking. I should have been crowned Networking Queen, not Gossip Queen! I made it my business to know the interests, hopes, and desires of the students in my school. If anyone had a question about what a student was up to, he or she would come to me to find out, and the funny part was, I knew!

My real motivation and desire were always in look-ing for connections. I was constantly looking for ways to connect people together—bridging people to one another. If Sally told me she was going to try out for cheerleading and I knew that Suzy was too, I would connect them together so they could help each other. If Andy wanted to join the swim team, I would connect him with my brother, Scott, who was the captain of the team. If John wanted to connect with my friend Jane, I knew that he was going to get turned down flat and would suggest Carol was a better option.

I have always looked for opportunities to connect people to one another and somehow have always known that people are different. For example, my way of con-necting with others was not necessarily the way they wanted to connect with me.

I found that the ability to adapt my style of con-necting to others, reading their behavior and listening for language clues, told me how best to proceed. This has been the number one reason for my professional and business success.

It’s possible for all of us to be successful con-nectors. However, we must first learn to capitalize on our natural strengths and talents—our personality pat-terns—and understand how people are different.

When you learn how to speak the language of others you will begin to see new connections happen in both your personal and your professional life. In today’s business world, you really don’t have a choice. For pro-motions, sales, and career opportunities, being an effec-tive connector is the most important marketing tool you need to take you to the next level.

Connectional NetworkingConnectional networking occurs when you cultivate interpersonal relationships so they will grow and prosper. When you nurture these relationships while expecting nothing in return, you’re practicing connectional net-working. Connectional networkers are always looking for ways to be a resource to their network. They have a giving mentality.

Here’s how an international business broker decided to change the way he approaches his network contacts after attending my seminar on Perfecting Connecting™. He said:

“While I have always included personal details about my contacts and tried to connect with them on a personal level, I never fully thought about how I could be a valuable resource to them. I failed to link the simple fact that I am more valuable to my network contacts when I can help them achieve their goals. So when I returned to my office Monday, I approached my stack of callbacks with a new game plan and renewed vigor. I now hold in my hands the key to my own success—it’s their success!”

Connectional networking is like planting a field. When you’re cultivating new contacts, you put seeds in carefully selected soil, water and fertilize them, pull out the weeds, and generally nurture the plants over time. You don’t throw seeds in the ground one morning and expect to see a plant blossom that afternoon. Real connectors know that good things come to those who can wait through several harvests. When what-ever you have chosen to nurture begins to bloom, look out!

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When I was a career transition consultant, one of the first areas I would explore with my clients was their network. They would tell me how they dabbled here and there, attended that event, went to this meeting, and so on. They would often tell me that if they didn’t get what they wanted immediately, they would give up and claim, “I’m lousy at networking!”

Most people “network” to close a deal, make a sale, or land a new account. Once the transaction is complete or the goal achieved, most people don’t reach out anymore to those who helped make it happen. The person (or people) who put in motion the connections that landed you a new job, put you in front of a new prospect, or opened a door for you simply drops off your radar screen and you just move on with your life until you need help again!

That is transactional networking!

How many times have you felt guilty when a year later, you pick up the phone to ask this person once again for a favor or a lead and you realize you haven’t done anything for this person and, worst of all, you haven’t even stayed in touch?

“It’s difficult to connect with peoplewhile pursuing your selfish agenda.

By nature connecting is a giving experience.” —John C. Maxwell

I was fortunate to have a master connector as my role model, my British mother, Patricia; in our house she reigned, which is why we called her “Lady P.” She was indeed a master connector and a very successful real estate agent. During the late ’70s, Renault, the French car company, opened a U.S. headquarters in Detroit and transferred many of its top French executives to oversee the transition. My mother’s well-developed and cared-for network landed her the exclusive account as the Realtor for all French executives relocating to Detroit.

She utilized her networking skills and did much more than simply find each executive a home. She wanted to assist the entire family with the transition and did everything from meet them at the airport to help open a French school for the children. She provided an unex-pected (and much appreciated) welcome and introduction to the United States through hosting dinner parties and lunches. She connected the families with her network of painters, decorators, and carpenters, most of whom were new and struggling small businesses owners.

By recognizing individuals’ wants and desires and putting their needs first, she not only accomplished her own goals but created opportunities for her new and existing contacts by connecting them together. By con-stantly looking for ways that she could be a successful resource to her network, she became an award-winning Realtor in 1979 for her record number of successful clos-ings in only her fifth year in real estate.

Initially, she anticipated the account would bring her a dozen closings, and in the end, she helped tweny-five families transition smoothly and powerfully impacted over fifteen small businesses.

When you live your life as a connector, you prosper not only professionally but personally too. When my mother died in 1994, many of those French families, the painters, and the carpenters showed up for her funeral, sixteen to eighteen years after my mother first connected with them. They talked to me about how she gave them leads, helped them build their businesses, and delivered great service, but mostly they said how she gave expect-ing nothing in return.

“The less you expect in return for acts of profes-sional generosity, the more you will receive.”

—Tim Sanders

Understanding Your Temperament 3


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How does understanding your temperament preference play into being an effective connector? That understand-ing will increase your self-awareness, which is the key to better self-management. Knowing about the other tem-peraments will help you understand how people are both different from and similar to each other. It provides clues for knowing how to adapt your behavior to cultivate good connections. When you can do that, you’re on your way to Perfecting Connecting™.

History of TemperamentAs stated in the introduction, temperament theory has been around for centuries. Ancient Greek and classical German writers and psychologists identified these tem-perament patterns. Hippocrates (450 B.C.), Paracelsus (Middle Ages), Ernst Kretschmer (1925), and Eduard Sprânger (1928) each thought of the human species as a total system, seeking survival in four different and complementary ways.

Over the centuries, great philosophers, educators, and researchers have identified four distinct patterns, or temperaments, that all humankind falls into. Dr. David Keirsey, author of Please Understand Me (1979), a book that has sold nearly two million copies with very little promotion, helped put this theory into modern terms. Keirsey developed the Keirseyian Temperament Theory by redefining the four personality patterns of Artisan, Guardian, Rational, and Idealist. Dr. Linda V. Berens, a student of Dr. Keirsey’s, refined the four temperament patterns even more. She helped define temperament as an innate pattern or a system of how a human being is organized psychologically that is discovered through characteristic behaviors, talents, values, and psychologi-cal core needs.

Temperament is innate. Temperament theory is based on the premise that such patterns are not acquired from environmental influences. Influences such as cul-ture, family, life experiences, and education help shape our character, but they do not create our temperament. We refer to a person’s temperament as sort of a psycho-logical DNA.

Our temperament preference shows up at a very

early age, and as we grow older and wiser, we learn to adapt our behavior, stretch our values and beliefs, and develop a variety of preferences. Quite simply, the older we get, the more perfect we become. Although we adapt and change over our lifetime, temperament remains constant.

People often ask if they can change who they are. The answer to this question is, who you are to the core—your innate temperament preference—remains constant. However, you are always adapting your behavior and stretching your skills and values to fit in and adapt to a certain environment, such as your work.

Temperament is a pattern

Like a tree trunk, each temperament pattern has a core. The growing part of a tree is at the center, and growth emanates outward from there. If the center is damaged or dis-eased, the tree dies. Our core needs and values must be met in order to grow and develop our natural talents and behaviors for connecting.

Adapted with permission, from Understanding Yourself and Others®: An Introduction to TemperamentBerens, L.V. 2000 [Telos Publications, Huntington Beach, California]

NEEDS

VALUES

BEHAVIORS

TALENTS

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*Adapted from Linda V. Berens, Understanding Yourself and Others®: An Introduction to Temperament 2.0 (Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2000) and used, with permission, from Marci Segal, Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Creativity: A Psychological Understanding of Innovation (Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003).

What You Need to Knowabout Temperament Theory*

1. Temperament demonstrates a system of human behav-ior apparent in four specific and unique patterns.

2. Temperament drives behavior. Your activities cluster into patterns that organize around meeting your tem-perament needs and core values.

3. Temperament governs how you grow and how you adapt to meet your needs.

4. Temperament is inborn. It is revealed through themes that originate from your core values. You, your col-leagues, and your children each have one of the four temperaments as a theme that drives behavior.

5. Your temperament remains constant through your life. It unfolds over time as does your physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological development.

6. Your temperament pattern energy is best expressed when your core needs are met through acting from your associated core values.

7. Stress occurs when your core needs are not being met. Stress also appears when the values associated with your needs are not being honored or expressed or are repressed.

8. You have a predisposition for one of the four tem-perament themes. This one theme directs your adap-tation to the environment and the people in it. As you develop, you also learn and use coping strategies and skills associated with other temperament themes to meet your need for survival in your context—at work, at home, and so on.

Animal MetaphorsIn The Guide for Facilitating the Self-Discovery Pro-cess® (1997, 2001), Berens expanded on Keirsey’s animal metaphors for each of the four temperament patterns. These well-known animals make it easier to understand the core needs, values, talents and behaviors of the humans they represent. Many people say that the animal metaphors really help them understand tem-perament better, and often they remember the animals and their behaviors before they can recall the actual temperament names.

Snapshots of the Four TemperamentsAs you read the four descriptions on the following pages, think about which one fits you the best. It’s best to think about how you have been throughout your life, consistently over time. Try not to think about how you are at work, since work requires behaviors that may not be our natural preference. We usually are successful at adapting our behavior at work, and the more open we are to feedback from others, the more developed we become.

Discovering your innate temperament preference is a very liberating experience. However, while tempera-ment is a powerful tool for understanding your core values and needs, it is never an excuse for behavior. When you are consciously aware of your temperament preference and are able to work in environments and experience relationships where your core needs and values are met, that is when you are truly happy and able to give freely to your network.

It’s also helpful to think about people you know in your network who seem like the temperament patterns you’re reading. Once you have a certain person in mind, read on to learn how to best connect with him or her. Pay close attention to the “hints” you need to remember to heighten your awareness so you can appeal to that person’s core needs and values when connecting.

Remember, the four temperament case studies you’re about to read represent only one example of each tem-perament. The difference between someone with an extraverted personality and someone with an introverted personality can make two people with the same tempera-ment preference look very different at first.

ExtraversionPeople with an extraverted personality get energized by inter-acting with the outer world of people and things. Their batteries are recharged when they’re focused outside of themselves. They will usually initiate conversation in a net-working situation and are easier “to get to know.”

IntroversionPeople with an introverted personality get energized by focusing on the inner world of thoughts and reflections. Their batteries are recharged when they get to go “inside their head” to process internally. They’re more comfort-able responding, not initiating, interaction, making it a little more difficult to draw them out on a first meeting.

All four temperament patterns have both extraverted and introverted personality preferences. Their core needs, values, talents, and skills will be the same; however, because their direction of focus is different, they can look very different.

Perfecting Connecting™ Tip


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Artisans’ core needs are to have the freedom to act without hindrance and to see a marked result from their actions. Artisans value aesthetics highly, whether in nature or art. Their energies are focused on skillful performance, vari-ety, and stimulation. Artisans tend to be gifted at employ-ing available means to accomplish an end. Their creativity is revealed by the variety of solutions they come up with. They are talented at using tools, whether the tool is lan-guage, theories, paintbrushes, or computers. They’re natu-ral negotiators and risk takers and have a talent for being tactical. They’re known to be impulsive and often leap before they look. Because they live in the present, they don’t dwell on mistakes they made yesterday; they simply move on to the next opportunity and seize it!

The animal metaphor for the Artisan temperament is the fox. Foxes are extremely adaptive creatures; they know how to deal easily with changes in their environment. They’re very opportunistic creatures and acutely aware of their environment, resulting in foxes being at the right place at the right time for their next meal. For example, foxes often appear on the scene where another animal has just hunted down its dinner. The fox, who is sly and fast, aided by its heightened senses, manages to steal the food and get away before the other animal even notices. If you remove a fox from its envi-ronment, it simply adapts its diet and needs to suit the present situation.

Hints for Identfying Artisans To help you identify Artisan preferences, pay attention for an emphasis on*

• Actions/activities• What can be done• Luck/chances/odds• How to get things done• Courage/excitement/fun• What’s happening now or next

To help identify Artisans’ style, listen for their language to be*

• Full of stories and anecdotes• Colorful• Trendy/cutting edge• Impactful• Inclusive of the language of others

When connecting with Artisans, remember to

• Talk about your actions—what you have done, results you’ve achieved.

• Talk about how you’ve influenced others.• Respond quickly to their nonverbal cues—the first

seventeen seconds is critical in making a positive first impression because they get bored easily.

• Appeal to their need for freedom/options/variety.• Show them action—who, when, how to get things

done now!

The Artisan

Artisan Case StudyHere’s how an Artisan manager of an outpatient healthcare organization, with an extraverted preference, uses tactical talents in approaching and meeting new contacts.

“When I attend a networking function, I always expect to meet new people and learn as much as I pos-sibly can from them. I’m able to walk away confident that I can apply whatever I have learned to improve my suc-cess in my job. I never used to like attending networking functions, but I have started to because I enjoy meeting people and finding out what they do. I like helping them make connections. If there’s an introduction I can make or a door I can open, I’ll jump on that if someone made a positive first impression. I have developed a powerful introduction that is catchy and differentiates me from other people who do what I do.

“When I meet new people, three questions imme-diately go through my head: Can they help me? Can I help them? Is there a possibility for a mutually beneficial relationship? If I had to rank what’s most important when meeting people, it would be (1) the contacts they have, (2) any offers to help me, (3) their positions, (4) their personalities, and (5) their expertise. Their ability and willingness to follow through is also key to my deciding on whether I keep in touch. Actions speak louder than words or promises.”

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Guardians’ core needs are for group membership and responsibility. Guardians need to know they are doing the responsible thing. They value stability, security, and a sense of community. They trust hierarchy and authority and may be surprised when others go against these social structures. Guardians know how things have always been done so they anticipate where things can go wrong. They have a knack for attending to rules, procedures, and protocol. They make decisions based on what worked in the past. They have a talent for being logistical and making sure things are done in the right order and at the right time. Guardians are not hard-wired for change and consequently resist it, often because they’re thinking of all the logistical tasks they’re going to have to do to implement a change.

The animal chosen to best represent Guardians is the beaver. Beavers are known as the “keepers of the forest” and for being very busy building the dams that provide homes for hundreds of other animals, birds, and insects. Beavers know exactly what they need, how much they need, and when they need it by when planning and building their dams. They mate for life and are very loyal and fiercely protective of their (family) pods. They know how to conserve resources and they find a use for everything. For example, the stockpile of branches you often see near a dam is where they hide their food.

Hints for Identfying GuardiansTo help you identify Guardian preferences, pay attention for an emphasis on*

• Duties/obligations• What they have done• Concern or worry• How something is done• Traditions and customs• The past

To help identify Guardians’ style, listen for their lan-guage to be*

• Comparative and linking• Factual• Full of detailed descriptions• Quantitative

When connecting with Guardians, remember to

• Acknowledge what they’ve done/contributed. • Be factual, use detailed descriptions, and quantify

if you can.• Talk about what you’ve learned from the past, using

comparisons.• Be dependable and consistent; always follow

through.• Provide the structure to your connection with them

(who introduced you or what connections you have in common).

• Appeal to their need for membership and belong-ing.

The Guardian

Guardian Case StudyHere is how a Guardian organizational consultant and president of his own consulting firm with an introverted preference uses logistical talents to maintain his relationships and cultivate new contacts.

“I’m not a natural networker, and I don’t easily initiate conversations with people I don’t know. However, I’m very loyal to my network contacts and extremely dependable, so often they make the first contact for me. If the person appears sincere in wanting to develop a professional relationship, I will follow up immediately, most likely by e-mail.

“Recently, I attended a professional association meeting where I didn’t know anyone in the room. Two members introduced themselves to me, and we

engaged in lengthy conversations that led to several business possibilities. I immediately followed up with both of them, and we’re now attempting to do business together. I’m extremely organized and structured in maintaining my contacts. Even with my busy travel schedule, I make a point to stay connected to my con-tacts. I consider these people my best advocates in helping me build my business.”


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Rationals’ core needs are for mastery of concepts, knowl-edge, and competence. Rationals want to understand the operating principles of the universe. They seek to learn or develop theories or rationale for explaining every-thing. They value expertise and trust logic and reason. Rationals abstractly analyze a situation and consider pre-viously unthought-of possibilities. They’re skeptical, and research, analysis, searching for patterns, and developing hypotheses are their natural modi operandi when con-necting with others. They have a talent for being strategic and visionary, and they use their intuitive strength and pragmatic approach when solving problems.

The animal metaphor for Rationals is the Owl. Owls have incredible focus and vision with twenty differ-ent lenses on their eyes. When they see a small rodent in a field, they instantly adjust their vision to focus in on their prey and grab it before anyone else has even noticed it. Owls can be very intimidating to be around, as you may know if you’ve ever come across one as you were walking in the woods. Scientists also believe that their intu-itive strength informs them to skip reproduction when food will be scarce due to drought conditions or other environmental impacts. Cartoon char-acters of owls are usually portrayed as knowledgeable and smart, often read-ing books.

Hints for Identfying RationalsTo help you identify Rational preferences, pay attention for an emphasis on*

• Ideas and theories• Strategies• Possibilities and potentials• Technology/how things work• Rationales, laws, and principles• Universals

To help identify Rationals’ style, listen for their language to be*

• Scholarly and analytical• Hypothetical and conditional• Highly qualified and disqualified• Differential and self-consistent

When connecting with Rationals, remember to

• Avoid emotion; stay calm. • Never waste words; avoid irrelevant, trivial, redun-

dant conversation; be concise.• Recognize their achievements and accomplish-

ments and how they’ve affected you.• Use words correctly; avoid exaggerations and

mispronunciations.• Present a logical reason if you want something

from them: Why should they meet with you? Why should they share a lead? What expertise do you have to share with them?

• Give a conceptual view when presenting informa-tion (the big picture).

The Rational

Rational Case StudyHere’s how a Rational senior sales executive of an international recruitment advertising firm, with an introverted preference, strategically develops her network to support her sales success.

“I’m an effective networker by design. I take a gen-uine interest in people and then try to connect them with others. For example, last night my company hosted a party with clients and prospects, many of whom did not know each other. By standing at the door, greeting people, and asking them brief questions, I was able to connect them with people at the party who possessed similar interests or expertise. Because of my doing this, everyone had a nice time and will remember my company and me favorably. My follow-up calls with prospects will be easier and better received as a result.

“Prior to attending any function, I develop a plan: Whom should I look for? What should I achieve? Am I

there to establish a presence or meet a specific person with the goal of a follow-up meeting?

“Network functions take the ‘cold’ out of cold calling and allow the opportunity to connect with people on a more personable level. I decide whether or not to maintain a con-tact on both personal and professional levels. If a person is likeable or fun, I might continue to build a relationship just for those reasons. Sometimes my business dictates that I keep in touch with someone due to current or future business needs. I certainly evaluate what the contact can provide: more connections, potential business, credibility, expertise, information, or knowledge. First is being able to give any of those things; second is personality.”

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Idealists’ core needs are to enjoy the meaning that comes from having a sense of purpose and working toward some greater good. Idealists need to have a sense of unique identity; they value unity, self-actualization, and authenticity. Idealists prefer cooperative interactions and are relationship oriented with a focus on ethics and morality. They’re gifted at unifying people and helping them realize their potential. They build bridges between people through empathy and clarification of deeper issues, which makes them highly effective connectors.

Idealists are gifted in the use of metaphors, and I have never met one yet that didn’t identify with the dolphin as the animal that best represents their values, talents, skills, and core needs. Dolphins are very intelligent and are able to communicate and bridge the human world with their own with their unique ability to connect. They travel in pods and live to nurture relationships, especially with humans. Dolphins seem to have a built-in sonar that allows them to sense the vulnerable and to hear and see things that humans and computers can’t. Currently our armed forces have been using dolphins to detect bombs in oceans that our highly sophisticated detection equipment fails to do. Several years ago a married couple went into the water at Sea World in Florida to swim with the dolphins. One of the dolphins began to swim around the wife in a protective circle for several minutes until the trainer distracted the dolphin with food. Two days later the woman found out she was pregnant, and it’s believed that the dol-phin intuitively knew that and was protecting her.

Idealist Case StudyHere is how an Idealist marketing executive from the sports and entertainment industry, with an extraverted preference, handled her career transition into the technology field. Notice how she diplomatically created relationships and networks to help her land a position as chief marketing officer (CMO) with an Internet company in New York City.

Hints for Identfying IdealistsTo help you identify Idealist preferences, pay attention for an emphasis on*

• Relationships• Developing people’s potential• Making the world a better place• Meaning-of-life issues• Significance of events• The future

To help identify Idealists’ style, listen for their language to be*

• Metaphoric• Global• Dramatic and intense• Flowing

When connecting with Idealists, remember to

• Be passionate, sincere, and authentic. • Talk and listen empathically to build rapport.• Use metaphors, symbols, and stories to connect • Focus on the future—details about what might be,

not what is.• Talk about your significant relationships and ask

about theirs.• Discuss how your connections contribute to the

development of individuals and/or organizations.

The Idealist

“When I decided I wanted to join the Internet world, I went to three general Internet conferences that were featuring three CEOs of the companies I was targeting. As I listened to each of them speak about their com-panies, I evaluated not only their content and delivery but the passion that they had for their employees and their products. That left me with two companies I wanted to work for, but I did not introduce myself on the spot because I had zero leverage. I had no industry experi-ence and I wanted them to want me.

“So I went back to my network and called several Internet marketing headhunters whom I had long-stand-ing relationships with. I let them introduce me to one

of these CEOs, who was looking for a new CMO, and he hired me. In my first two months in the job, I called seven or eight noncompeting Internet company CEOs and senior executives, then hosted a lunch to get their perspectives on the industry and begin to build relation-ships. During these lunches, they felt important that I was seeking their counsel. On a personal level, I got to know them better—where they lived, married or single, kids, sports they liked, mutual acquaintances—so we had multiple levels of connections. I then kept records in my database of who I thought were all-stars, both profes-sionally and personally.”


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Most likely you identified with each of the four tempera-ment descriptions, even if just a little. As people grow older and wiser, they learn to adapt their behavior, stretch their values and beliefs, and develop a variety of preferences.

When you think about the people within your net-work, determine which of the four temperament patterns is their preference and then approach each of them using the recommendations above. You’ll begin to see results, not only professionally but personally, too. You’re aiming for long-term connections—networking for life, not network-ing for the moment.

Understanding temperament will give you the “instruction manual” you need to improve your connec-

tions. Once you speak their language, you’re on your way to Perfecting Connecting™.

When you first meet people you want to connect with, ask questions that start with the words who, what, where, how, and why. In their responses, listen for clues that tip you off about their core needs, values, talents, and behaviors—that is, their temperament preference. The more you “tempera-ment watch,” the more quickly identifying these preferences will become second nature to you.


IdealistThe Idealist’s core needs are for the meaning and signifi-cance that come from having a sense of purpose and work-ing toward some greater good. Idealists need to have a sense of unique identity. They value unity, self-actualization, and authenticity. Idealists prefer cooperative interactions with a focus on ethics and morality. They tend to trust their intu-itions and impressions first and then seek to find the logic and the data to support them. Given their need for empathic relationships, they learn more easily when they can relate to the instructor and the group.

Idealists tend to be gifted at unifying diverse peoples and helping individuals realize their potential. They build bridges between people through empathy and clarification of deeper issues. They use these same skills to help people work through difficulties. Thus, they can make excellent mediators, helping people and companies solve conflicts through mutual cooperation. If working on a global level, Idealists will be championing a cause. If working on an individual level, they focus on growth and development of the person.

Guardian

RationalThe Rational’s core needs are for mastery of concepts, knowledge, and competence. Rationals want to understand the operating principles of the universe and to learn or even develop theories for everything. They value expertise, logical consistency, and concepts and ideas and seek progress. Rationals tend toward pragmatic, utilitarian actions with a technology focus. They trust logic above all else. They tend to be skeptical and highly value precision in language. Their learning style is conceptual, and Rationals want to know the underlying principles that generate the details and facts rather than the details alone.

Rationals prefer using their gift of strategic analysis to approach all situations. They constantly examine the relation-ship of the means to the overall vision and goal. No strangers to complexity, theories, and models, they like to think of all possible contingencies and develop multiple plans for handling them. They abstractly analyze a situation and con-sider previously unthought-of possibilities. Research, analy-sis, searching for patterns, and developing hypotheses are quite likely to be their natural modi operandi.

ArtisanThe Artisan’s core needs are to have the freedom to act with-out hindrance and to see a marked result from action. Arti-sans highly value aesthetics, whether in nature or art. Their energies are focused on skillful performance, variety, and stimulation. They tend toward pragmatic, utilitarian actions with a focus on technique. They trust their impulses and have a drive to action. Artisans learn best experientially and when they see the relevance of what they are learning to what they are doing. They enjoy hands-on, applied learning with a fast pace and freedom to explore.

Artisans tend to be gifted at employing the available means to accomplish an end. Their creativity is revealed by the vari-ety of solutions they come up with. They are talented at using tools, whether the tool be language, theories, a paintbrush, or a computer. Artisans tune into immediate sensory informa-tion and vary their actions according to the needs of the moment. They are gifted at tactics. They can easily read the situation at hand, instantly make decisions, and, if needed, take actions to achieve the desired outcome.

The Guardian’s core needs are for group membership and responsibility. Guardians need to know they are doing the responsible thing. They value stability, security, and a sense of community. They trust hierarchy and authority and may be surprised when others go against these social structures. Guardians prefer cooperative actions with a focus on stan-dards and norms. Their orientation is to their past expe-riences, and they like things sequenced and structured. Guardians tend to look for the practical applications of what they are learning.

Guardians are usually talented at logistics and at maintain-ing useful traditions. They masterfully get the right things, in the right place, at the right time, in the right quantity, in the right quality, to the right people, and not to the wrong people. Guardians know how things have always been done, and so they anticipate where things can go wrong. They have a knack for attending to rules, procedures, and protocol. They make sure the correct information is assembled and presented to the right people.

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Connect First with Who You AreAt this point you could be tempted to turn to your loved one, coworker, or friend and point your finger and say with great enthusiasm, “Now I know what’s wrong with you!” or “Now that I know all about you, let me tell you what really bothers me so that you can stop doing that!”

The problem with that strategy is that you definitely won’t win friends and influence people; as a matter of fact, you will alienate them. One purpose of this guide is to help you increase your self-awareness, which will pro-duce better self-management. You must start with your-self before you can even begin to give another person feedback about his or her behavior.

In order for you to begin your path toward Perfect-ing Connecting, first have an honest look at who you are. What are your core needs, values, natural talents, and skills, and are you honoring those in your career, relationships, and current job?

Six years ago, I had my second child, Madison. I decided that I should close my business, which I loved, and pursue being a “good mother”—a stay-at-home mom. My husband, friends, and family members, who knew me the best, begged me not to do it. They were convinced that I would be climbing the walls by the second week. They urged me to cut back, work part-time, and not walk away from my career, where my core needs for freedom and the ability to make an impact were met daily.

I envied stay-at-home moms whose core needs were met daily doing the hardest profession in the world—raising children. Convinced that my two daugh-ters, five years and three months, would grow up to be “perfect” and that there would be a gold chariot in heaven for me for making such an amazing sacrifice, I laid off my babysitter, joined the kindergarten carpool, and started “Perfecting Connecting” with my kids.

I don’t really know how to cook, but one day, about three months into this self-imposed change in my life, I decided that the ultimate mothers all know how to bake homemade chocolate chip cookies. I headed to the grocery store with my six-month-old and bought a roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough (the real “homemade” kind!).

I then drove to the school to pick up my five-year-old, Taylor, and her little friend Katie, who was coming over for a play date. As I was baking the cookies—toting my six-month-old strapped to my body in a front carrier, breast-feeding, acting like a good mother—I overheard Katie, who was sitting at the table coloring, ask Taylor, “Do you have a nanny?” Taylor sat up quickly and said, “No, do you?” Katie responded very proudly, “Yes, I have a nanny because my mommy works. Does your mommy work?”

This was the moment I had been waiting for: the six months of lockdown that I had put myself through trying to become someone I wasn’t, mourning for the work I so desperately loved, and trying to fit in with the other stay-at-home moms at the playground was finally going to pay off! I was sure that I would hear my daughter say, “My mommy doesn’t work because she loves us so much, she has sacrificed her career and her talents and her core needs and values to raise my sister and me so we can become perfect, confident, contributing adults.”

But instead, as I clutched my six-month-old in my arms, still breast-feeding, I heard my five-year-old say, “No, my mommy doesn’t work.” Katie lifted her head up from her coloring book and said, “Why not?” Taylor, my intuitive, intelligent, and sensitive daughter said, “Because she doesn’t have anything else to do!”

No longer able to contain myself, I quickly replied, “Taylor, honey, mommy actually had a job helping people connect with new jobs and learn how to get along better with the people they work with. I was very busy helping people, and I loved what I did, but I decided you and Madison were more important, so now I’m not working, I’m staying home with you.”

With her beautiful blue eyes she stared into mine and said very clearly, “Why?”

“Why? I just told you why,” I said, starting to sound very defensive. With a little more assertiveness and pointing her red crayon up at my face she said, “If you were helping people and you liked doing that, why did you stop working?”

Suddenly, as the smell of burnt chocolate chip cook-ies lingered in the air, I knew what my very bright five-year-old was trying to say to me. Why would you ignore your talents, values, and core needs and try to be somebody that you’re not? I realized at that moment that I would be a better mom, spouse, and partner if I was honoring my true self. I would be a better role model and mentor to my daughters if I was happy and fulfilled doing the work that I know I’ve been called to do.

So, I hired a part-time babysitter, figured out how to make my business work with my family’s needs, moved my office to my home so I could have close con-tact with my daughters, and got my life back on course. I was finally Perfecting Connecting with my family, my clients, and my temperament.

Remember, start with yourself. The only person you can change is you.

Perfecting Connecting™ Proven Strategies 4


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Before we can assess someone’s temperament preference, we have to get past the first-impression test, the initial introduction when meeting a new contact. How we pres-ent ourselves in the first seventeen seconds of meeting someone will often determine whether or not the rela-tionship will continue because first impressions are made in the first seventeen seconds.

Having a powerful introduction that defines who you are, what you do, and how you do it is the most important marketing tool you will ever need to build your business and grow your career.

“So, What Do You Do?”Have you ever thought about how many times a day you get asked what you do? If your average day includes interacting with other humans (outside your own family and over the age of five), you have most likely encoun-tered this question daily and probably felt frustrated by not knowing how to answer it.

As I travel around the country speaking to people about this, it always shocks me that people don’t know how to respond to this question. They either say too much or too little, leaving business or potential opportunities on the table. If you have plans to venture outside your home in the near future or if you’re in a job transition, you’d better think about how you will respond because your response will either open or shut doors for you.

One way to practice responding is the “Seventeen-Second-Drill,” when you summarize what you do, how you do it, and what differentiates you from everyone else who does what you do in less than twenty seconds.

Research tells us that when you are talking to someone, that listener is actually paying more attention to how you are saying something than what you are saying. Ninety-three percent of what people are paying attention to when you’re talking is your voice tonality, pitch, rate of speech, body language (eye contact, smil-ing, and posture), which leaves only 7 percent for your actual words!

Bottom line: make sure you have energy, passion, and good body language when you’re introducing your-self to someone, which is critical for good first impres-sions.

Here is a great formula that Vicki Sullivan, a mar-keting strategist for speakers, from Phoenix, Arizona, shared with me several years ago.

Begin with your track record, then address how you do what you do, and end with what your benefit, outcome, or result is. Below is the powerful introduction that I use when people ask me, “So, what do you do?”

Notice my introduction uses the words working with and want, which are great words to use in defining how you do something and why. Avoid using the word and a lot. You don’t want to create a laundry list of things you do and confuse the listener. Follow the KISS rule and keep it short and simple.

Remember, the listener wants to know if what you do works, so if you have specific results, use them! For example, here is what Vicki Sullivan says when people ask her what she does:

“Since 1987, I have generated six-figure revenue streams for hundreds of industry experts who use public speaking as a marketing tool.”

Third-party endorsements are significant too because they are objective sources. If you’re not sure what you do for your clients, customers, or employer, ask them. Find out what they say about you and how they describe what you do for them. What specific results or benefits do they highlight?

Rule of TwelveLearn the rule of twelve: the first twelve words you use, the first twelve physical movements you make (handshake, eye contact, etc.), and the first twelve inches from your neck up are what people will remember the most about meeting you for the first time.


Since 1993, I’ve been working with companies and organizations that want to improve their

connections with people, opportunities, and ideas.

Track record + How = Benefit

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ABC’s of Powerful Introductions1. Always Be Clear—Be sure to let people know

what you do. You want people to be intrigued but not confused. Watch out for industry buzz-words, technical terms, and abbreviations that don’t translate from industry to industry. Establish your expertise, track record, and credibility right up front.

2. Be Concise—Follow the KISS rule. Keep it short and simple. Use specific results or third-party endorsements if possible. Avoid making long lists and run-on sentences.

3. Catchy—Be catchy enough to stand out. Why do you do what you do? Why do you love it? What are you most proud of? What is special about the way you do business? What makes you stand out from your competitors? If you can come up with a defining statement that people can remember and will be able to easily repeat to others, then you’ve just developed the most important marketing tool you’ll ever need.

4. Connect—Use common words and examples that people can relate to so you can connect and imme-diately establish a rapport. If you can give an example or a recent accomplishment that will immediately make a connection for the listener, play a movie in his or her mind, this will result in the person clearly seeing what you do and how you might be able to help him or her.

5. Communicate—Remember, watch your nonverbal communication and your mannerisms. End with open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Any question that starts with the word tell, what, when how, or who will not allow the listener to respond with just yes or no, which can derail your conversation.

Here are a few more examples;

“For the past ten years, I have been helping people in the middle- to low-income bracket achieve their dream of home owner-ship as a mortgage lender.”

“Since 1992, I’ve been empowering the next generation as a elementary school teacher working with inner-city children.”

“I work for the largest healthcare system in San Antonio teaching people how to behave in front of food as a clinical dietitian.”

“I’m an organizational development con-sultant who specializes in performance man-agement, working with senior level leaders to map the strategic plan of the company.”

Ask yourself these three questions in evaluating your powerful introduction.

1. Will I really be able to say this? 2. Will people be attracted to it? 3. Will someone else be able to repeat it while standing

at the office water cooler the next day?



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My Powerful Introduction

What is my track record? What gives me credibility? In what area(s) do I have expertise?

What do I do and how do I do it? What makes me stand out from others who do what I do?

What is the result, benefit, or outcome?

Turn to page 25 for a list of action verbs you can use in your powerful introduction.

Write out your introduction using the formula provided below. Practice it in front of people who know you well and will give you their honest feedback. Instead of worrying about wearing the right outfit or having an attractive business card or perfect resume, spend time on the most important marketing tool you need—a powerful introduction.

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Three-Foot RuleSeveral years ago, I was speaking on Perfecting Connect-ing™ at the United States Olympic Congress, a biannual event that brings together corporations that are official United States Olympic sponsors.

During my session, I spontaneously decided to do an exercise where I had everyone stand up and find some-one they didn’t know and practice delivering a powerful introduction (“the seventeen-second drill”).

Before I turned them loose, I told them how impor-tant the first seventeen seconds are, that a first impres-sion is made in those first seventeen seconds, and once you’ve made it, it is difficult to alter. I reminded them to make their introduction catchy and to watch their body language. Always remember to smile and practice good eye contact. Watch for industry buzzwords and abbrevia-tions that don’t translate from industry to industry. So once they had the formula for a great seventeen-second introduction, they proceeded to do the exercise, and I closed my session.

A young man named Curt rushed up to the front of the room and told me how much that drill helped him. He asked if he could practice it one more time with me before we all moved into the grand ballroom for the cocktail reception.

Shortly after, I was leaning on the bar sipping a glass of red wine, and talking with a woman in a cream white suit who had been in my session. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Curt racing toward me. He threw his arms around me to hug me, and my wine spilled and splattered onto the woman’s cream white suit. Curt started apologizing to the stunned woman and then turned to me and said,

“You’re not going to believe what just happened. After I left your session I went into the men’s bathroom and another man was in there. And remember what you said, about the first seventeen seconds and the importance of good eye contact? That’s all there is in the men’s bathroom—a lot of eye contact and about seventeen seconds! So we were on our way out the door of the bathroom and the guy asked me what I did.

“Remembering your session and the sev-enteen-second drill, I told this guy that I was here to make some new connections and smoke out new opportunities where I could use my twelve years of sales and marketing experience in the athletic sports and merchandising indus-try and where I could really contribute to the bottom line of a progressive company.”

“This guy I’m talking to then says to me that he’s the VP of new business development for Nike and did I want to grab a beer together in the reception and talk about possible oppor-tunities with Nike!”

This was one of the goals Curt set for himself in attending the conference: to get an introduction into Nike. In the men’s room he met the one person he needed to meet. And it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t prepared and practiced his powerful introduction.

He then hugged and thanked me again, apologized and extended his business card to the woman with the cream and red wine colored suit, offering to pay her dry cleaning bill, and off he went to meet with the Nike VP.

What Curt reminded me of that day is the old rule called “the three-foot rule”; anyone within three feet of you is a potential network contact!

You never know when or where theopportunity will present itself for you

to make a powerful introduction that willtake you to the next level in your network.

Three-Foot RuleAnyone within three feet of you is a potential network contact!


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Two months after meeting Curt at that convention, he sent me this e-mail;

“I had to write you after an incredible two-month career journey that I have experi-enced. I’m near the end of my career search. I have two job offers and two interviews sched-uled this week.

“If I accept the job offer I received yes-terday (which I’m thrilled about), I will have made substantial lifestyle improvements for me and my family. Since last August, I will have increased my salary by $50K and short-ened my commute from 30 miles (50 minutes) to 6.4 miles (15 minutes). I’m back into the business I enjoy and, most importantly, on a path toward my 5-year goal of owning my own consulting firm.

“Networking is the key. It has helped me tremendously in both my current job search and building business contacts within my industry.”

Curt J. Atlanta, Georgia

Six Degrees of SeparationHave you ever experienced the “small-world syndrome”? Do you feel sometimes like the world is made up of only a few dozen people and we are all connected in some way? Well, that is why Stanley Milgram, a Harvard social psychologist, conducted an experiment in an effort to find an answer to the small-world syndrome. He got the names of 160 people at random, who all lived in Omaha, Nebraska, and mailed them a packet including the name of a stockbroker who lived in Sharon, Mas-sachusetts.

Each person was instructed to write his or her name on the roster in the packet and send it to someone he or she thought would help it find its way back to the stockbroker. Milgram looked at how closely connected someone picked at random in one part of the country was to another person chosen at random in another part. What he discovered was that most of the packets reached the stockbroker in less than six connections.

As a result of Milgram’s research, the phrase “six degrees of separation” was coined. What this study tells us about our networking is that you are only five or six people away from anyone you want to meet. Getting in front of the person who could be your next big client, account, or employer, is only five or six people away from you. You just have to let the people in your network know your needs.

When I worked for a career transition firm in Texas, a board meeting was held one night about ten years ago in Dallas. During a break, two board members were talk-ing about President George H.W. Bush and one member said how much he respected Bush and how he would love to meet him one day. Little did he know that by verbalizing that request to one of his network contacts, his dream would come true.

The other board member happened to be a close and personal friend of the Bushes. He picked up the phone and called George and Barbara Bush at their home in Houston, Texas, and this stunned man got to talk to him that night. When President Bush came through Dallas for a speaking engagement the following month, this man got to meet him.

When I’m speaking to large audiences, I some-times do a six-degrees exercise where I have someone come up in front and state the name of a famous person that he or she would like to meet. I then ask the audience members if anyone has any connection that would help this audience member get one step closer to meeting this famous person. No matter how many times I’ve done this exercise—with various industry audiences who have selected famous people such as Queen Elizabeth, Sting, and Colin Powell—we’ve always been able to prove that you are only five or six steps away from anyone you want to meet.

What Milgram also discovered is that not all degrees of separation are equal. You need to be con-nected to those “network shakers” in your life that seem to stand at the intersection of life connecting people, opportunities, and ideas. In other words, the people in your network who seem to know everybody.

At the end of Milgram’s study, three men who were all prominent in the Boston area handed almost half of the packets to the stockbroker. That’s pretty amazing when you realize 160 people chosen at random in the midwestern part of the United States sent their packets to acquaintances, college roommates, or past coworkers who might have lived in the Boston area or worked in a similar industry, and half of these packets ended up being hand delivered to the stockbroker by three men who were part of his network.

These three men were all “shakers” in the community. What this means is that a small number of people seem to know everyone, and the rest of us are linked through our connections to them. The old saying “It’s not what you know but who you know” applies to these shakers.

You are only five or six people away from anyone you want to meet. Remember the six degrees of separation and go to your network to help you connect the degrees.


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If you’re not sure who the “network shakers” are in your network, try this exercise adapted from Malcolm Gladwell’s book, The Tipping Point (2000).

Pick three significant people in your life; they could be close friends, mentors, or professional colleagues (not including family members or coworkers). Work back-ward from each person until you can identify who was ultimately responsible for setting in motion the series of connections that led you to that friendship/relationship.

For example, I picked a colleague and friend named David. The person who introduced me to David was a friend named Laura. Laura’s name also showed up two other times as I worked backward from two other significant people in my network. That told me that Laura was a network shaker in my life. By the way, Laura is an introverted Artisan. She does not work a room and meet everyone in it. She will connect deeply with a few people at a networking event and then quietly, behind the scenes, figure out how to connect you with her vast and diverse network.

Spheres of InfluenceStudies have proven that we all know approximately 250 people. That is, if we think back to our childhood, high school, college, all the jobs we’ve held, and organizations that we’ve belonged to, we all could recall at least 250 names of people we know. Think about the possibilities and how our connections to those people could easily double—even triple—our network.

Strength of Weak TiesAnother sociologist from Harvard by the name of Mark Granovetter coined the phrase “the strength of weak ties” in his classic book, “Getting a Job” (1974).

In 1973 he interviewed several hundred profes-sional and technical workers and asked them how they had found their jobs. He discovered that over 70 percent of the people he talked to found their jobs through contacts—people they knew. When Mark asked how well they knew the contact, he was surprised by the answers. Of course he assumed that these people were close friends, but they weren’t. They were mostly weak ties. People were not getting jobs through friends but through acquaintances. He concluded that when it comes to finding new jobs, gaining new information, looking for new ideas, and finding new clients, weak ties tend to be more important than strong ties.

It’s not so important who you know; it’s who the people in your network know that can lead you to your next big opportunity.

Network Shakers:• Are leaders in your industry/organization• Are prominent in your community• Are mentors• Have diverse interests/friends• Are mavens (Yiddish word for one who is experienced

or knowledgeable)


Is Your Net Working?If you’ve been through job interviews recently, or been considered for a promotion, you’ve probably been asked about your “social capital.” Employers, clients and prospects want to know what social capital you have that will improve their connections, word-of-mouth advertising, potential partnerships, resources, and alli-ances. They want to know how you have invested in your network relationships that will pay out in dividends for their company. In other words, how big is your net and is it working?

To put the “strength of weak ties” theory into practice for improving your social capital, you must adopt an attitude that incorporates the following beliefs:

• You are only one interview away from your next dream job or new client.• You must live in the present and look for the richness in everyone you meet. Think serendipity and enjoy

meeting people just for the fun of it.• Unselfish giving is the best way to set you apart as a connector. Give expecting nothing in return.• Being a detective pays off. Become a curious observer of people.• You must rediscover active listening skills, listen to understand, and stop “reloading” when people are

talking to you.• You must believe in the miracle of coincidence.


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Three Connector QuestionsHow can I be a valuable resource to this person?How can this person be a valuable resource to me?What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?


Tim Sanders, author of Love Is the Killer App: How to Win Business and Influence Friends (Three Rivers Press, 2002), says that in the twenty-first cen-tury, our entire success will be based on the people we know. Our network is our entire web of relationships, and everyone in our address book or Rolodex is a poten-tial partner for every person we connect with. Everyone we meet can fit somewhere in our ever-expanding busi-ness universe. Our job is to figure out where and make the connection.

Your Network WindmillWindmills have been used for centuries as an important energy source. Wind power has been harnessed for over one thousand years to pump water, to grind grain and to provide motive power for other activities. Think of your network as a windmill. You are at the center of the wheel, the hub or wind turbine. What extends from you are all the worlds that you’re connected to and the people you know in those worlds. In other words, your fans or blades represent all your spheres of influence such as church/synagogue, professional associ-ations, volunteer work, recreational/sports groups, com-munity, school, industry, vendors, clients, coworkers, friends/family and so on.

To be an effective connector we must be committed to growing our network and placing our feet in many different worlds. The more diverse worlds we have our feet in, the richer and deeper our network is and the more productive our network windmill will be.

When our network windmill has many blades which are balanced and strong, the energy generated provides us with the support, creativity and resources necessary for anything from a job transition to the launching of a new company. However, windmills and turbines must be designed to take advantage of the slowest wind speeds (in order to generate energy during periods of relative calm), while at the same time be controlled in order not to turn too quickly during high wind speeds.

If you commit to routine network windmill maintenance check-ups you will have an efficient windmill. The best way to maintain a strong windmill is to focus on the people you know—especially the shakers. Take a look at the net-work windmill on the next page. Notice the three lines coming off of each blade. These lines are for you to write down the names of people you know in those different worlds. Take a minute now to fill in your network worlds and the shakers you know in each.

Maintaining your windmill comes next. You should do maintenance almost every day. Look at the people on your network windmill. You undoubtedly know each person well enough to guess their temper-ament. Apply your new temperament knowledge and write down next to each name what you think the per-son’s temperament preference is. Review the connecting clues in chapter 3 for how best to connect with these dif-ferent people in your network. Next to each name, write down an idea you have on how to connect appropriately with each person on your wheel. Every day, do one thing for one of your shakers. I think you’ll find by the end of the month that you’ve touched everyone on your wheel. Next month, start the process over.

Create the habit of making one connection every-day for someone on your wheel. This is easy to do in slow times, and hard to do in busy times. If you maintain your network windmill in busy times, you probably won’t have any slow times.

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YOU

Network Windmill

Three Connector Questions

How can I be a valuable resource to this person?

How can this person be a valuable resource to me?

What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?

Permission is granted to the owner of this book to photocopy this page as needed for personal use.

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Capitalizing on Your Natural Style 5


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Natural Talents of the Four Temperaments

Many people, especially introverts, say they’re not good networkers. However, we can all be effective connectors once we know how to capitalize on our personality pat-terns, strengths, and natural talents.

Remember that extraverts don’t own networking. They may be able to initiate conversation more easily and may be more confident attending a party or networking function where they don’t know a lot of people. However, real connecting is about relationships, one-on-one. It is not about “working a room,” collecting many business cards. It’s what you do with those connections that will set you apart from the network users.

Let’s look at the four temperament patterns again now that you know more about who you are. The differ-ent strategies listed below play into the natural talents and skills associated with each temperament pattern. In other words, all are effective strategies, but the ones listed under your temperament preference are skills that you’re likely already good at.

We can become more effective connectors if we stretch ourselves to try a technique that might be out of our comfort zone. Remember, temperament preference should never be an excuse for why you can or can’t do something. Strive to be better rounded at your connecting by trying on some of the lessons learned from the other temperaments.

The Idealist Connector• Surround yourself with network huggers (your pod of

close friends and family) who will keep you supported and offer you encouragement.

• Strive to be authentic and real when interacting with others.

• Spend an hour each week maintaining your connections.

• Ask yourself the three connector questions:

- How can I be a valuable resource to this person?

- How can this person be a valuable resource to me?

- What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?

• Look for ways to be a “bridge” to your network contacts. Connect people together who you think should know each other and watch the world become much smaller!

The Artisan Connector• Be tactical and look for opportunities to be “at the right

place at the right time.”

• Find network shakers in your community or organization and link up with them. Keep them informed of your progress and growth.

• Remember the strength of “weak ties.” It’s not who you know but who others know that counts.

• The more worlds you have your feet in, the richer your connections are, so widen your spheres of influence. Think diversity!

• Remember the six degrees of separation. The only thing separating you from anyone you want to meet is five or six people.

The Guardian Connector• Demonstrate your consistency by following up, i.e.,

keeping your contacts and network “in the loop.” Be dependable and loyal to your network.

• Create or follow a step-by-step process for breaking into a new market or making a new contact.

• Show sincere appreciation when others connect you. Be thankful!

• Remember the power of the handwritten thank-you note

• Assemble an “advocacy board of directors” consisting of people who love you and your services.

The Rational Connector• Envision how a connection could benefit both parties.

Think big picture and look forward.

• Create an “expert folder” and seek out experts to gain knowledge and new information.

• Develop a powerful introduction that presents your expertise, track record, and results right up front when you meet new people.

• Be systematic and organized with your network con-tacts. Let modern technology support you in keeping track of your network.

• Think before you speak and speak with confidence.

21


“Networking means sending out intothe system what we have and what we

know, and having it return to recirculatecontinually through the network.

—Wayne Dyer

Over the years as a professional recruiter, market-ing director, and career transition consultant, I have col-lected a top ten list of networking tips. These ten tips have come from various sources, but all are proven to be highly effective.

1. Be open-minded. Everyone is a potential network source (e.g., hairdresser, doctor, accountant, travel agent, neighbor, or golfing buddy). Don’t ever eliminate someone as a potential network source before you’ve talked to the person. Remember the three-foot rule!

2. Send follow-up notes and thank-yous to people who have helped you with a connection or after meeting with them.

3. Go to your network wheel and contact two to three new people each week to stay connected. Don’t ask them for anything except for how you can be a resource to them.

4. Accept all invitations to attend meetings, parties, and conferences, even when you may not know anyone that will be there. See if you can get a list of who will be there so can find bridges and con-nections that will help you “break the ice” when you introduce yourself.

5. Be as specific as possible with your network con-tacts. Target which industry, company, or person you’re trying to get in front of so they can help you with the six degrees of separation.

6. Seek involvement. Don’t just join an organization and pay your annual dues. Seek out where you could offer your expertise and assistance. Get involved.

7. Return every phone call and e-mail you receive throughout your life.

8. Don’t be a network user and don’t commit network “drive-bys.” Help others get what they want first.

9. Network for life; don’t just network for the moment.10. Develop a powerful introduction that tells

people what you do and how you do it. This is the most important and least expensive market-ing tool you need.

Phyllis Martin, a Cincinnati-based careerdevelopment author, said that some of the best assistance she has ever received from her network contacts stemmed from favors

she provided, expecting nothing in return. She described it as “Casting bread on the waters of my network and getting ham sandwiches back.”

Network MeetingsOne of the most effective ways to grow your network contacts is to ask for a network meeting. People are busy and the more connected people are, the fuller and richer their lives are. A great strategy for getting in front of these people is to ask for just thirty minutes of their time. Very few people will have an hour to give you, especially if they’ve never met you. Let your network contacts act as a bridge to help you make the fist contact.

Once you’ve scheduled a meeting, it’s all up to you. You’re in control of the meeting so you’d be prepared, which means do your homework. Find out where the person has worked, his or her expertise, where the person went to school, and any other pertinent background infor-mation that will help you make a connection. Of course, if someone in your network already knows this person fairly well, see if you can determine his or her tempera-ment preference before you meet so you can appeal to the person’s core needs and values. Think about what words you should use that would attract this person and keep his or her attention (review chapter 3).

Remember, you are in control of this meeting. Think ahead about what you hope to achieve, informa-tion you are seeking, and what you would like to learn.

Refer to appendix B for some sample questions that you might use in a networking meeting.

Label networking meetingsas conversations, not interviews.

Your Perfecting Connecting™ Action Plan 6


22

We all have very busy lives, and many of us have good intentions about improving our connections and strength-ening our network. However, if we don’t commit our-selves, set goals, and monitor our progress, we just fall back into our old ways of transactional networking. To practice connectional networking, we must be committed to doing our part, expecting nothing in return. We must have positive intentions to help others in our network get what they want and need first.

As the former “Gossip Queen” of East Hills Junior High School, I have learned that being an effective net-worker is the most important career skill you will ever need for business and personal success. However, under-standing how people are different, appreciating personal-ity differences, and being aware of your natural talents and skills will set you apart as a connector.

Use the information about temperament in this guide to help you understand people in your network better. It will quickly become second nature once you start working with the temperament hints and start “people watching.”

Another great strategy is to find a partner to whom you could be accountable for reaching and achieving your weekly goals. Agree to meet once or twice a month in person, by phone, or via e-mail to keep each other accountable to becoming more effective connectors.

On the right is a poem that Donna Fisher and Sandy Vilas published in their book Power Networking (1991). It was written by Robert Muller, former assistant secre-tary-general of the United Nations. It captures the true essence and philosophy of connecting. I hope it inspires you to begin Perfecting Connecting™!

Decide to Network

Use every letter you write,

Every conversation you have,

Every meeting you attend,

To express your fundamental beliefs and dreams.

Affirm to others the vision

Of the world you want.

Network through thought.

Network through love.

Network through the spirit.

You are the center of the network.

You are the center of the world.

You are a free, immensely powerful source

Of life and goodness.

Affirm it, spread it, radiate it.

Think day and night about it

And you will see a miracle happen:

The greatness of your own life.

Not in a world of big powers,

Media and monopolies,

But of five and a half billion individuals.

Networking is the new freedom,

The new democracy,

A new form of happiness.

23


Your Perfecting Connecting™ Action Plan

Two goals that I will complete in the next two weeks to improve my connections and grow my network:

1.

2.

Areas where I need support and/or mentoring:

Who could be a good role model/mentor for me?

What could I do to strengthen that relationship?

What is my temperament preference?

What natural strengths and talents do I have that I can offer to my network?

Looking at my network wheel, where should I focus on growing my network? What areas of influence are weak?


24

Network Shakers Identification Exercise

I developed this exercise as a result of reading an article that Malcolm Gladwell wrote years ago for the New Yorker. The idea of tracking the connectors in one’s world was so interesting and revealing to him that I think it spurred him to write The Tipping Point (2000). I have found this exercise to be very valuable to the hundreds of people that I have coached in helping bring to consciousness who the shakers are in their network.

Start by identifying three important people in your network that are not coworkers or blood relatives. Work backward and identify who introduced you, who introduced you to that person, and so on, until you have identified everyone who was involved connecting you to this significant person in your network. Inevitably you will find that one or two people keep appearing on your lists. These are the shakers in your network. These shakers seem to know everyone and if we know them, then we’re connected to the world through them.

Identify one or two goals that you will achieve over the next two weeks to reconnect with the shakers in your network.

Goal One:

Goal Two:

Name NameName

Remember…

The definition of insanity is doing what you’ve always done and expecting different results!

25


Action Verbs

Manual/AthleticConstructDanceDemonstrateDraftFixInstallLiftManufactureMoveOperateParticipatePilotRemodelRepairRepair

Numbers/MoneyAccountAnalyzeAuditBudgetCalculateCompleteComputeEstimateFinanceInvestKeep booksManageManipulate

OrganizeAdministrateArrangeCategorizeClassifyCollectDefineIntegrateMaintainOrderPlanPrepareSet upStructure

Task/CompletingAccomplishAchieveAdaptArrangeAttain

Attend DetailDevelopExecuteFollow-throughImplementInformMaintainMonitorObtainProduceProgramScheduleWork

Create/ModifyAdaptComposeConceiveConceptualizeCreateDesignDeviseEngineerEnhanceFormulateFoundGenerateImagineImproveImproviseInitiateInnovateIntegrateInventOriginateReviseVisualize

Analyze/SummarizeAnalyzeAppraiseConsiderDefineDiagnoseEvaluateIdentifyInterpretKnowOrganizePerceivePredictPrioritizeProject

ReasonResolveReviewSolveSummarizeSynthesizeSystemizeTestUnderstand

Research/InvestigateClassifyDiscoverExamineExperimentExploreGatherHypothesizeInspectInterviewLearnObserveQuestionReadRememberResearchStudySurvey

Lead/ManageAccountAdvertiseAffectControlCoordinateDecideDelegateDetermineDirectEmpowerEnforceEnlistEstablishExciteFacilitateFireFund-raiseGuideHeadHireInfluenceInitiateInspireLead

ManageMarketMotivateMoveNegotiateOverseePersuadePlanProducePromoteProvePublicizeRecommendRecruitRepresentSellStartSuperviseTake risks

Help/ServeAdviseAffirmArbitrateAscertainAssessCoachConsultCounselDiagnoseEmpathizeEncourageEvaluateFacilitateGive feedbackHealHelpMediateMentorModelReconcileRehabilitateResolveServeShow hospitalitySupportTreat

Communicate/TeachBroadcastCommunicateConverseDebateDemonstrateDisplay

DramatizeEditEducateEnlightenExplainExpressIllustrateInformInstructLectureListenPresentPrintReadReportRespondShowSpeakTalkTeachTestifyTrainTranslateTutorVerbalizeWrite

Craft/PerformActColorComposeConductCraftDecorateDirectDrawLandscapeLay outPaintPerformPhotographPlaySculptShapeSingSketch

GeneralAcquireAdvanceAlleviateAmplifyAppreciateAssociateBelieve

BestowBuildCallCauseChooseClaimCombineCompelCompeteComplementConnectContactDelightDeliverDevelopDraftDreamDriveElectEmbraceEndowEngageEnlivenEntertainExpandExtendForgiveFosterFranchiseGenerateGiveGrantHoldIlluminateImproveIncreaseIntegrateInvolveJudgeLaborLaunchLightLiveLoveMakeMasterMatureMoldNavigateNurtureOpenParticipatePlayPracticePraiseProcess

ProducePromiseProtectProvidePurchasePursueRealizeReclaimRecordReduceRefineReflectReformRelateReleaseRelyRememberRenewResonateRespectRestoreSacrificeSafeguardSaveSelectSeparateShapeShareSortStandSummonSupplySustainTeamTeam buildTouchUnifyUpgradeUtilizeValidateValueVentureVolunteerWinWorkWorshipYield

Use this list to help you write your Powerful Introduction


26

Perfecting Connecting™ Contact SheetsThink about everyone you know and what connections each might be able to provide. What “bridges” could these people provide for you that would open up a new “sphere of influence” or “world” for your network? Write down all their names and think of the possible connections for why you should contact them.

Relationships Contact How to Reach Connections/Bridges

Family:

Mother

Father

In-Laws

Sisters

Brothers

Others

Previous Employment:

Former Employer (or Employees)

Fellow Workers

Customers/Clients

Former Competitors

Others

Education:

Sorority/Fraternity Members

Schoolmates

Alumni Associates

Teachers, Professors

University Officials

Others

27



Personal Relationships:

Neighbors

Friends

Customers/Clients

Armed Forces

Others

Community:

Chamber of Commerce

Volunteer Associations

Nonprofit Boards

Others

Professionals:

Doctor

Dentist

Lawyer

Accountant

Banker

Insurance Agent

Hair Stylist

Perfecting Connecting™ Contact Sheets (continued)


28


Religious Affiliations:

Fellow Members

Lay Leaders

Others

Outside Activities:

Professional Associations

Social Clubs

Sports Teams/Clubs

Athletic Clubs

Others

Children’s Activities:

Teachers

Parents of Playmates

Coaches

PTA

Parents of Teammates

Others

Perfecting Connecting™ Contact Sheets (continued)

29


Pre-Networking Meeting Worksheet

Before a Network Meeting—Do Your Homework!

1. Network contact name and job title, company:

2. What information do I need?

3. Expectations for this meeting:

4. How could I be a resource to this person/company?

5. What are the possible connections?(People we both know, similar backgrounds, employer, expertise, children, college, hobbies or interests?)

6. Who referred me to this person? How will I initiate contact? Phone call, email, or letter?

Date: Location:

Time: Bring to Meeting:

If you intend to set up an appointment with a contact and prefer to use the telephone to do so, it is sometimes easier if you structure the call. Try using the Networking Phone Call Worksheet on the following page.

TIP


30

Networking Phone Call Worksheet

Making a telephone call to someone you do not know (but to whom you been referred) is easier if you plan the phone call in advance. Use this worksheet to plan your networking referral calls. Be sure to practice what you want to say.

1. Name of the person being called:

2. Company name and person’s title:

3. Phone number:

4. Name of person(s) who referred you to no. 1:

5. Purpose of call (usually to set up a networking meeting):

6. Opening statement: use no. 4’s name(s), give reasons for wanting to see the individual, comments no. 4 made in suggesting this meeting:

7. Ask for a fifteen- to thirty-minute meeting (at this person’s convenience). Always suggest the meeting take place at the individual’s office, where he or she will have access to his or her database.

8. Set appointment time and date:

Appendix: Questions to Ask A

31


Questions to Ask in a Networking Meeting

1. What kinds of problems, issues, or concerns does your profession, business, or industry face now and in the near future?

2. What would you recommend that someone with my background do to break into this industry, profession, company, organization?

3. How do you feel about my qualifications with respect to working with your industry/organization/company?

4. What industries/companies do you think I’m overlooking? What opportunities do you see for me that I have not thought of?

5. What qualities do you look for in (name the position) that would give you confidence in that person?

6. What should I do to improve my chances of being seriously considered for a position as (name the position) or of being given the opportunity to be able to do business with you?

7. Which of my capabilities would you suggest I emphasize more strongly?

8. Which of my capabilities would you say are most valuable in your field or to your organization?

9. What additional qualifications or experience do I need to make myself more marketable in this business?

10. Considering my experience, skills, and qualifications, what other related fields should I be pursuing?

11. What professional associations or groups would you suggest I look into for possible membership?

12. Are there publications you would recommend that I read?

13. What companies are in the forefront in this industry?

14. Whom would you suggest as another source of additional service and information about this field? Possible mentors?

Permission is granted to the owner of this book to photocopy this page as needed for personal use.

Appendix: References B


32

Resources on NetworkingCarnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Pocket

Books, 1990. Fine, Debra. The Fine Art of Small Talk. Englewood, CO: Small

Talk Press, 2002.Fisher, Donna. People Power. Austin, Texas: Bard Press, 1995.Fisher, Donna, and Sandy Vilas. Power Networking. Austin,

Texas: Bard Press, 1995. Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point. Boston, Mass: Little

Brown & Company, 2000.Granovetter, Mark. Getting a Job. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard

University Press, 1974. Sanders, Tim. Love Is the Killer App: How to Win Business and

Influence Friends. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002.

Resources on TemperamentBerens, Linda V. Understanding Yourself and Others: An Intro-

duction to Temperament 2.0. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2000.

Choiniere, Ray, and David Keirsey. Presidential Temperament. Del Mar, Calif.: Prometheus Nemesis Books, 1992.

Campbell, Scott. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments for Peak Performance: How to Unlock Your Talents to Excel At Work. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.

Cooper, Brad. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Sales: An Introduction to the Groundbreaking Sales™ Methods. Hun-tington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.

Delunas, Eve. Survival Games Personalities Play. Carmel, Calif.: SunInk Publications, 1992.

Dunning, Donna. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Learning: Practical Tools and Strategies for Enhancing Learning Effectiveness. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Pub-lications, 2003.

Keirsey, David, and Marilyn Bates. Please Understand Me. 3d ed. Del Mar, Calif.: Prometheus Nemesis Books, 1978.Keirsey, David. Portraits of Temperament. Del Mar, Calif.: Pro-

metheus Nemesis Books, 1987.Michel, Sarah. Perfecting Connecting: Learning to Speak the Lan-

guage of Others. Audio. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publica-tions, 2003.

Nardi, Dario. Character and Personality Type: Discovering Your Uniqueness for Career and Relationship Success. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 1999.

Nardi, Dario. Multiple Intelligences and Personality Type: Tools and Strategies for Developing Human Potential. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2001.

Segal, Marci. Creativity and Personality Type: Tools for Under-standing and Inspiring the Many Voices of Creativity. Hunting-ton Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2001.

Segal, Marci. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Cre-ativity: A Psychological Understanding of Innovation. Hunting-ton Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.

On the Internet16types.com: www.16types.com16types University: www.16typesUniversity.com4Temperaments.com: www.4Temperaments.comSarah Michel: www.PerfectingConnecting.comTelos Publications: www.TelosPublications.comTRI: www.TRI-Network.com

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