Pastors as Shepherds

DIAKONOS COUNSELING By: Cynthia Morse MSW LCSW

Pornography

• The depiction or experience of erotic behavior or of sexual acts that require objectification of self or others to produce a quick intense chemical and psychological reaction.

• Pornography is both a biological and psychological experience.

Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addition

• Montaldi: Hypersexual desire– excessive behavior – no controls– doesn’t learn from his mistakes

Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addiction

• Kafka: Paraphilia related – intensely arousing fantasies, urges, and sexual activities, increase over time, compulsive dependent on masturbation

Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addiction

• Coleman: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder-a disorder in which the individual experiences intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges and associated sexual behaviors that are intrusive, driven and repetitive. Causing interference in interpersonal and occupational functioning creating health risks, social and legal consequences.

SEXUAL ADDICITON DEFINED

The Institute for Behavioral Medicine in

Golden Valley Minnesota has developed a set of diagnostic criteria for sexual addiction. From the institute’s experience, a person ought to have five or more of the following criteria.

IBM criteria

• Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy

• Sexual behavior as a central organizing principle of daily life.

• Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience.

IBM criteria

• Amount, extent or duration of sexual acting out

• Escalating pattern of increasing amounts of sexual experience.

• Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high risk sexual desire.

• Persistent desire of efforts to limit sexual behavior.

IBM criteria

• Inability to stop behavior despite adverse consequences

• Pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior for two years

• Pattern of alternation excessive control and out-of-control behavior over five years

• Severe consequences due to sexual behavior

IBM criteria

• Presence of a clear hierarchy of sexual acting out behaviors

• Important social, occupational or recreational activities sacrificed or reduced because of sexual behavior

GIFFIN-SHELLEY

• Addiction has three basic elements

– 1. damage to the person– 2. compulsion to continue– 3. increase tolerance

LUNDY: Behaviors typical of sexual addiction

• Denial and dissociation• Avoidance behaviors• Narcissism• Sexual obsession• Risk taking• Endangering the family• Desperate

LUNDY: Behaviors typical of sexual addiction

• Living a double life• Tolerating abusive relationships• Lacks appropriate boundaries• “Space roles” belief that everyone wants sex

TYPES OF SEX ADDICTS• Biological

• Psychological

• Trauma Based

• Perpetrators

• Sexual Anorexic

BIOLOGICAL

• Two compounds that act like an opiate drug• DOPAMINIE• SEROTONIN

BRAIN DAMAGE

• Repeated “hits” result in a disease of the brain’s reward centers and a corruption of the brain sensors

OXYTOCIN

• The chemical oxytocin “connection” drug levels out dopamine resulting in no damage to the brain.

TRAUMA BASED ADDICTION

Goodman’s Position• 80% are survivors (not necessarily sex abuse)• “Inprinting” example: an older boy

perpetrates a younger boy. Younger boy grows up to prefer male partners.

PERPETRATORS• Ten thought processes of perpetrators– 1. original thought (pop-ups)– 2. development of fantasy– 3. self-sex or masturbation reinforcement– 4. seek victim – 5. locate specific victim– 6. make a plan, get the victim to trust him– 7. initiate the plan – 8. timing – 9. victimizing – 10. re-victimize the same person if available

SEXUAL ANOREXIC

• Compulsive withholding of connection/intimacy

• Examples: Busy, blaming, withholding praise, withholding sex, can’t share feelings, anger/silence, controlling or shaming around money.

• ROOMATE ONLY

Chemicals

• Dopamine – pleasure• Adrenaline – excitement • Oxytocine – connection

• CAT Scans of the brain

Pre Frontal Cortex Problems

• Short attention span• Impulsive• Procrastination• Disorganization• Poor judgment• Lack of empathy• Diminished emotions

Cycles of Addiction

His Detachment….. Objectifying eliminates the attachment hormone oxytocin

Oxytocin is the connection drug that results in a selfless desire to nurture and be close to another person.Oxytocin reduces cravings and calms you down

the changes in the bedroom…

What the wife sees…..• Irritability• Mood swings• Provokes arguments• Unexplained time or money• Masturbation• Computer time increases• Moving the monitor so

others can’t see it• Detached from wife and

children• Wandering eyes

confused

What the wife feels…• Emotional detachment• His lack of eye contact• Lack of affirmation• His unwillingness to talk

during sex• Changes in the bedroom• Avoiding sex• He is defensive when

asked about computer, T.V. or movie habits

• Distrust

Her reality….

• Change in intimacy• Change in emotional

attachment• Change in the physical

attachment• His lying• His deception• His disconnection

His reality…

• Self-soothing• Dopamine• Changes in the Frontal

Cortex• Avoidance of intimacy• Connecting to fantasies • Shame driven• Guilt

Fog of Addiction

Primary Content• Eye to eye• Emotional Connection• Relational• Interactive• Emotional Intimacy

Secondary Content• Distracted• Reading newspaper, T.V.,

computer, movies• Present but not

participating• In the room, but invisible

Counseling Associates

The problem is larger than it appears

The Partner

• An addiction to people, behaviors, and things. The fallacy of trying to control people, things and events.

• Control is central or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent’s beliefs

• Personal identity enmeshed in another person

• Motivated by compulsion

• Low self-esteem• Happiness hinges on

others• Feels inordinately

responsible for others

Symptoms of Codependency

• Begins with pain• Evolves into martyrdom, denial, & rescuing

the husband• Rescues & enables behaviors• Wife’s personal needs go unmet• Depression• Anger

Relational Trauma

• Attachment injury• Betrayal in a committed

relationship• Abandonment• Unsafe relationship• Relationship threatened• Infidelity• Neglect• Abuse

Post-Traumatic stress disorderPTSD is diagnosed by a mental health professional

• Exposure to a traumatic event

• Persistent re-experiencing (of the event)

• Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma

• Persistent symptoms of increased arousal

• (such as difficulty falling or staying asleep)

• Symptoms last more than one month

• Significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning

Relational Trauma

PTSD

Causes of Relational Trauma

• 1. Proximity Maintenance: the desire to be in close proximity to the attached person

• 2. Separation Distress: Increase in anxiety with

increased separation

• 3. Safe Haven: the attachment figure serves as a source of comfort and security

• 4. Secure Base: the attachment figure serves as a security from the world

• Marsha Means

Codependency verses Trauma

• Partners don’t enable once they know the reality of their situation

• Partners seek truth verses control

Trauma’s Symptoms

Reliving the eventHelplessness

Hyper vigilanceSleeplessness

AnxietyIntrusive Images

Panic AttacksDepression

Change in appetiteMood swings

DenialConfusion

Rage

WORK GROUPS

• Workbook• Check in• Calls• Boundaries• Consequences

Set BoundariesConfront lovingly

Believe behaviors – not wordsTake definitive action –Talk to a trusted person or counselorJoin a partner’s groupPhysical boundaries for yourselfNo patrolling

SUPPORT GROUPS

• TWELVE STEPS

• PUKING FEELINGS

• TOPICS

Outside Resources•Counseling •With trained sexual addition counselor

•Supportive and Safe Friends

•Support Group for Partners

•S-Anon International Family Groups

•Recovering Couples Anonymous

•Education/Reading

•Pastors/Clergy

Freedom Kansas Citywww.freedomkc.netAn Association of Freedom Partner’s Groups

New HopeDarrell Brazellwww.newhope4si.com

Heart to Heart Counseling Doug Weisswww.drdougweiss.com

www.awomanshealingjourney.comMarsh Means

ResourcesAn Affair of the Mind by: Laurie HallBeyond the Bedroom by: Doug WeissBoundaries by: Henry Cloud and John TownsendChoosing Forgiveness by: Nancy DeMossForgiving the Unforgivable by: Beverly FlaniganLiving With Your Husband’s Wars by: Marsha MeansLove Must be Tough by: James DobsonOut of the Shadows by: Patrick CarnesPartners: Healing From His Addiction by: Doug WeissSex, Men, and God by: Doug Weiss The New Drug of the Millennium by: Mark KastlemanYour Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means

COMPUTER SAFTYClearplay.com

Abstinence.net

www.dlink.com/securespot-router

www.saaviaccountability.com