PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

8/7/2019 PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

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LEARNING HOW TO RECOGNIZE A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSON

Diferent authors (not scientific artilcle)

A good friend of mine, Joan came to me recently visibly upset. She said that her husband of 32

years, Ronald had asked for a divorce. When Joan asked him why, he could not come up with a

valid reason, just vague excuses such as, "well we always eat where you want to" or "everything is

your way, so I don't want to be married anymore." I advised her that maybe it was midlife crisis, but

she said the strange thing was Ron's level of anger. An extremely laid back easy sort of guy, Joan

said that he was now angry about everything that she did. She said that he never complained

about anything, but now he seems to be a tad ticked off that she makes a lot of the family

decisions. "I ask for his input, and he says, "Sure, whatever you want to do" but now Ronald says

that resents me for being so bossy." He told her that he has never wanted to be married and that

he has felt this way for years. As Joan began to explore this situation a little more in depth, she

realized that there was a pattern to his behavior. Ron stayed away working most of the time,

knowing that Joan wanted to do certain things such as go back to school, and that she was home

taking care of the kids, and needed his help. He allowed his mother to criticize Joan repeatedly,

and he balked at saying anything to correct her. Ron was very sarcastic with Joan over the years

and extremely critical, but also very loving; leaving her in a state of emotional unbalanc e. He would

allow Joan to express her feelings, but would never express his, saying, I'm fine, I'm never angry,

nothing bothers me", and leaving Joan to feel as if she was emotionally unstable, then he would try

to "fix" what was wrong with her. Ron rarely disciplined the children, leaving the upbringing to Joan.

He always seemed to forget important things, such as Joan's birthday, or he would break plans

after promising to fulfill them. Now the picture became so clear to me, the years of passivity, the

sudden anger, and his resentment over her decision -making and straight forwardness. I told herthat her man was passive aggressive, and the dangers of being in this type of relationship, how

you just can't trust a person like this. I was shocked that she did not know what the term meant. I

then proceeded to explain...

Passive Aggressive people never disclose their TRUE feelings. They never say what they really

mean or feel, so while you think your wife may be okay with you going out with the boys on Friday

night, because she agreed that it would be alright, on Saturday when it is time to go out to dinner

together and you made reservations, she may decide to get a "sick headache" and can't go. Or

you're going to visit your parents at 7 pm and your spouse takes forever to get ready and by the

time he does, it's 8:30. Some say that being passive aggressive is a disorder; some say it is a

personality trait stemming from childhood by parents who punished the child for disagreeing with

them. Joan said that Ron's mom is extremely critical and withheld love and became hostile

whenever he or his siblings did not agree with her. She was also very overprotective, and did not

allow them to have friends. When the passive aggressive is angry, they rebel, but in ways that are

slightly undetectable at first. They will "forget" about plans made months in advance, o r will have


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you thinking that every thing in your relationship is all right, but in reality they want out, and will pull

the rug from under you. This is a subtle way to control you, because the passive aggressive feel as

if they have no control in or over their lives. You just never know what they are truly thinking, so to

those that are already married to someone like this, try to get counseling if possible to help your

love one to open up and train them not to fear their feelings and to be authentic. To those who are

not here are some traits to look out for to determine if someone is passive aggressive so you can

make an intelligent decision about pursuing a relationship. Avoiding responsibility and makes

excuses- "I just can't do it, I'm just not good at doing this" " I can't do/say this because....."

D Blames other people for things they have control over-"I can't call my mother because YOU

don't like her"

D Chronic lateness or forgetfulness -say they will meet you at 2 pm, shows up at 3:30, and

says they "forgot" but you spoke with them at 1:30, or forgets milestones, such as birthdays

and other important times.

D Not expressing anger openly -"I'm fine, really", when they really are angry.

D Fear of intimacy-refuses to emotionally connect or engage, very superficial.

D Dishonesty-will tell you one thing -"Oh I love your wig", then come later and say it l ooked like

a dead rat was sleeping on your head. Always being caught in lies.

D Obstructionism- does things to derail the plans of others.

D Procrastination-takes forever to get ready because they actually don't want to go to an

event. I know a woman whose husband poured hot water on his chest while making baby

bottles so he would not have to go to church.

D Resentment - just flat out angry and bitter -except they say "I'm fine", but will do all of the

above.

D Being sarcastic -dishing out put downs.

The passive-aggressive relationship is definitely one that you will want to avoid, many PA's think

that they do not have a problem, and will not get help. They can be very treacherous. You will

spend your life on an emotional roller coaster, or worse, like Joan, who has had the rug pulled from

under her and now has to pick up the pieces of her life, all because her husband could not say two

simple words... " I'm angry".

WHAT'S UP WITH THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN?

The man with passive aggressive behavior has to have someone to be the object of his covert

hostility. He needs a woman whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the

dance he learned from in childhood. He can never be angry or show anger but he will stick it to her

in under-handed ways. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his


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disowned anger. She, of course, ha s no idea she has agreed to this until it is too late to turn back.

He will resist giving her what she wants and needs which will set up a pattern of frustration in her

and she will end up expressing the anger that he is unable to.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive man is that he never follows through on

agreements and promises he has made. He will dodge responsibility for anythin g in the

relationship while, at the same time make it look as if he is pulling his own weight and is a very

loving partner. The sad thing is, a woman can be made to believe that she is loved and adored by

a man who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone. He ignores

problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to

deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship. He will deny evidence of

wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his

version of what is real seems more logical.

He communicates in a vague way in an attempt to sandbag his partner. He is inconsistent and

ambiguous. He will say one thing and do another and then deny ever saying the first thing. He

doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way, expecting his partner to read his mind

and meet his needs. After all, if she truly loved him she would just naturally know what he needs

wouldn't she? He will always withhold information about how he feels or what he has been up to

and you can bet he has a hidden agenda for doing so. He has a fragile ego and can't take the

slightest criticism and will turn it back around on his partner and attempt to make her look like the

person at fault.

If you confront him about his behavior he will sulk and use silence or walk completely away leaving

you to deal with the problem alone. Don't ever expect him to live up to his promises, obligations

and responsibilities as far as the relationship or you are concerned. Watch out though if he thinks

you have done something to him though. He will dole out punishment that outweighs the crime and

you will feel as if you have been hit in the heart by a 2 x 4. He will become excessive in his need to

get back at you and can obsess on it until he feels that the person who has done him wrong has

been dealt with properly.

He has a genuine desire to connect with you emot ionally but his fear of just such a connection

causes me to be obstructive and engage in self -defeating habits. He will be very covert in his

actions and it will only move him further and further from his desired relationship with his partner. A

passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head

spinning he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all b ack on

you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he

does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind.


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He will NEVER admit to any wrongdoing, will make subtle ambiguous statements then deny

altogether any hurtful intent. He will also DO little subtle hurtful things like being late for a dinner

date or forgetting your birthday, then deny any harmful intent, accusing the other person of being

overly sensitive. His game is to "get back" at someone he feels has wronged him by refusing any

kind of cooperation with them. He will feign ignorance when confronted and will appear to be veryhurt that you could think he would purposefully or intentionally do anything hurtful.

The passive aggressive man never looks internally and examines his role in a problem. He has to

externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. He lives in denial of his self -destructive

behavior, the consequences of that behavior and the choices he has made that causes all his pain.

He will turn his focus toward others and all the wrongs they have done to him. He feels immense

anger and aggression becaus e, in his mind, everyone else is crazy. All this aggression and anger

is expressed indirectly and covertly and, at the great emotional harm of anyone attached to him.

The passive aggressive man shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of

others unless it fits his agenda to do so. To him you are an object to be used as a means to an

end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. He will stand in the way of you getting

what you need and will then ignore or minimize your hurt feelings and anger. He has no idea how

to compromise in a relationship and when faced with the demand that he make a compromise you

will get the silent treatment.

He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self -involved ingetting his own needs met and not facing his own fears. He is angry where he shouldn't be and not

angry where he should be. He gives away his personal power when he do esn't trust his feelings,

he manipulates people with kindness, he makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses, and

he displaces his angry feelings onto those who have done nothing to hurt him. He will regard a

well-intended person with contempt based on his displaced anger and react in self -defeating ways.

He is confused and can't understand why women get so angry with him. He feels others demand

too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others.

The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over becoming dependent

on someone else. He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but

fears losing his independence to his partner. He absolutely can't be with anyo ne emotionally. He

wants love and attention but avoids it because he fears it will destroy him.

The man with passive aggressive actions is a master manipulator when it comes to getting his

partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He is very talented at


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getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal

with the issue directly. He blames her f or creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger

rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change.

He may give into her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, but then it's back to

business as usual.

Is there hope for change when dealing with a passive aggressive man? Only if he is willing to

acknowledge his own shortcomings and contributions to the problems that exist in his

relationships. Facing old wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of

problems in his life will help him form deeper emotional bonds with a higher sense of emotional

safety for himself.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MEN: WHO ARE THEY HURTING?

They're the men who seem so nice, and trustworthy. They don't hurt you out in the open, but in a

very subtle way, you may not even be aware of. Just the same, they can hurt the people they say

they care about the most.

A passive-aggressive man usually grows up in a household which may have a parent who is either

passive-aggressive, or overbearing and controlling. If he really has bad luck, he may grow up with

both. Many marriages consist of individuals who are opposites, or f ill an area for the other person

they may be lacking in. It's an unspoken deal so to speak, you be the passive one, and I'll be the

overbearing one. As the boys are growing up, somewhere along the way they choose to either

identify with one parent or the o ther. If they see the overbearing and controlling parent as scary,

they may come to believe they do not want to be like that parent, and go the other way. If they see

the passive parent as weak and wimpy, they may choose to be like the overbearing and cont rolling

parent. What I'm going to write about is the passive -aggressive man. When the boy decides to be

weak, unassuming, and afraid to stand up for himself. Ergo, he asserts himself in passive

aggressive ways. This ends up hurting allot of the people he truly cares for.

The passive aggressive man is very often seen as the nice guy that woul d do anything for anybody.

He never says "NO", at least not out loud, to any request anyone makes of him. He is often

everybody's token doormat. What most people don't know is there's a volcano ready to erupt inside

this man. He is too afraid to speak up a nd tell you what he thinks. Therefore, he goes about his life

sneaking around doing things he doesn't want anybody to know about, getting back at people in

ways that have nothing much to do with why he's really mad, and not standing up to the person, or

persons, he needs too. He then ends up hurting those he cares about, and puts them in the line of

fire.


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Often times when he gets into a relationship, or married, he ends up choosing very strong,

overbearing, controlling women. Remember, what I said, people o ften pick the opposite of

themselves, and then it gets them off the hook for ever having to learn how to be strong, and

assertive themselves. This is where the problem begins. Because he has chosen to be with this

Witch on Wheels, he can never directly con front her with ANYHING. He is too scared. This ends up

effecting friends, other family members, and anyone involved with this type of man. You can be thisman's very best friend and if Mrs. Wonderful objects, you're a goner. Oh, he will keep you as a

friend, probably, but it will most definitely be behind his partners back. You will be stuck in drama

world, with a half -assed friendship. You can never call him at home when you need to, he hides

your e-mails, and you cannot spend anytime with your so -called friend, unless you're very, very

careful. You will always be walking on eggshells. It's almost like your having an affair with him,

without the benefits. This ends up hurting his friends, because his friendships are dictated by her.

This is the so-called passive part of his problem.

The aggressive part of this disorder ends up not only hurting him, but the woman he is with. No

matter how mad he gets at her, he is NOT going to stand up for himself, or tell her how he feels.

He is too scared to say a word. Wh at this man will do, is while being the all -loving nice guy and

doing the housecleaning, his woman's favorite figurine might just accidentally get broken. He will

sneak behind her back, to see other women, friends, and to do things he especially knows woul d

make her angry. It's the only way he knows how to stand up for himself. You can imagine how

damaging to a relationship this can be. It can go so far, their relationship ends forever.

Unfortunately, because he does all these things in private, it may be a long time, if ever, when she

figures it out. She really does believe he will always be the nice doormat she fell in love with. This

definitely works to his benefit.

Last but not least, this seriously hurts the man who is passive -aggressive, more than anyone else.

He never learns to assert himself, and never develops the self -esteem to say, "this is who I am",

out loud. Although he feels some momentary exhilaration when getting back at someone, he also

feels deep shame, that he is not being a real man. He c an suffer with depression at times,

wondering who he is, and will anyone ever really know him. He is stuck in limbo. He's afraid to be

who he wants to be for fear of losing the woman he loves. At the same time, he's not even sure

why he loves her anyway. After all, isn't she just there to make up for his inability to do for himself?

That may just be the case.

Although most of the time the passive - aggressive man appears to be a quiet, nice, helpful, boy

scout kind of guy, he truly is a very hurtful person. He hurts his friends, his partner, his family, and

anyone else on his, quietly, secret, destructive path. This is a very serious disorder, and any

chance of change, will have to come with allot of counseling, and allot of work on his part. However


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change is very hard. The longer this man has been this way, the longer it will take to recover. There

is also the possibility he may not want to change. Like good old Dr. Phil says, people do what they

do because there is some kind of payoff they're getting out of that particular behavior. Whatever his

choice, to change, or not to change, this can be one of the most difficult type of men to live with.

That's if you ever really know in the first place!

OVERCOMING PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE TENDENCIES

According to Daniel K Hall -Flavin, M.D. "Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of expressing

your negative feelings in an indirect way -instead of openly addressing them." Some common

behaviors or feelings that are associated with passive -aggressiveness include, resentment,

opposition to requests from others, complaining, constant feeling of being cheated, a feeling of

being underappreciated, procrastination, stubbornness, inefficiency, mem ory problems, irritability,

cynicism and things of this nature.

The following are real life examples of passive aggressive behavior; avoiding conflict by giving in to

others but then procrastinating and not doing what was agreed upon, feel anger towards someone

or something but rather than show the anger revenge is taken by doing the opposite, in order to

please people agree to a plan and then do the opposite of the plan, a nd other similar acts. There

are many ways to act out passive aggressively but none of them are productive or get you far in

life.

It is possible to take control of your life and rid yourself of the bad feelings associated with passive

aggressiveness. The following are some steps to take to help overcome the problems you have

been facing.

Rather than hiding feelings and allowing resentment to grow be honest and explain negative

feelings as they arise in an open and constructive manner.

Be assertive and discuss negative feelings as they arise.

Challenge yourself to make your behavior and your feelings consistent rather than say one thing

and do another.

Work to have open honest relationships with people.

Learn to compromise and accept that things don't always have to be done your way.

Accept each individual's unique personality even though it's not like yours and allow them to be


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themselves around you.

Actively listen to the opinions of others.

Approach brainstorming sessions as collaboration sessions and not as a platform to get your way.

Make sure that your actions are consistent with the plan of action.

Ensure that your emotions are consistent with th e agreed upon decision or plan of action.

Do not allow yourself to be intimidated. Rather, openly communicate your feelings with the

individual who you are feeling intimidated by.

Have an accountability partner who will hold you accountable when your words and actions don't

match.

Keep a journal to log the feelings and progress that you are making along the way.

It is possible to make a positive change in your life. Follow these steps and think about your

actions and behavior and you will see a d ifference.

Setting Limits and Communicating With the Passive Aggressive Man

Though it is difficult to be partners with a man who constantly frustrates you with his passive

aggressive behavior, there are things you can do to break through his lack of involvement. When

you begin to understand the problem and use a little straight talk, a passive aggressive mans

behavior can change. It does depend on the severity of the learned passive aggressive behavior but

in most cases, positive changes can be made. That bei ng said, you should know that there is no

easy cure for the life long habits taken on by a passive aggressive man.

Dealing with someone who handles lifes problems in a passive aggressive way is much like dealingwith a defiant teenager. You must be direct and straight to the point at all times. It is important to

observe your own behaviors and weaknesses. You can bet the passive aggressive knows exactly

how to push your buttons so, its important for you to not react and play his game. One major

problem with dealing with a passive aggressive is unrealistic expectations as far as him changing.

This might cause you to demand more than he can or is willing to give. You have to stay realistic in

your expectations. Change what you can and learn to live with the rest if you must.


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When setting limits you must begin with yourself. Set firm limits as far as what you will and will not

tolerate and then stick to them. When communicating with the passive aggressive do not do it in a

defensive way. Use messages that begin with I when expressing feelings of disappointment.

Dont protect him from your unhappy feelings bu t be sure to communicate those feelings to him in

a way that will keep him from withdrawing further.

Never accept excuses for his behavior. If he says he forgot or couldnt help it or didnt know he was

supposed to do this or that dont buy into it. If he makes a choice to forget or ignore then tell him it

was his choice and how his choice has hurt you or others. When he tries to use the old, I forgot

excuse make sure to remind him that he doesnt seem to have a problem remembering things that

are important to him. Ask him how he would feel if you were constantly forgetting things that were

important to him.

If you are involved with a passive aggressive man then you have probably developed the habit of

avoiding conflict because you have learned that co nflict is met with withdrawal and nothing ever is

settled. Pay close attention to how you have learned to blow off the important things until you

eventually, out of shear frustration, blow up at the small things. Own this behavior and recognize it

as self-defeating in your relationship. We should all choose our fights wisely BUT should never shy

away from confrontation over big issues in the relationship. When you do this, you are playing into

his neurotic needs and giving him the opportunity to point a fin ger at you and call you crazy when

you eventually do blow your top over some small issue.

Its OK to overlook his minor irritating behaviors but you must be willing to speak up about those

behaviors that most irritate you. The worst thing you can do when setting limits and trying to

communicate with a passive aggressive is to become passive yourself.

Agreements need to be made between you and the passive aggressive when arguing or

discussing an issue. No abusive language, stick to the subject at hand, don t get off track and start

bring up the past. Take time out to cool off if things become too heated and then return to the

discussion.

If you know passive aggressive men then you know they rarely make decisions on their own. They

like to cover their butts in case anything goes wrong they will have someone to blame. Trying to get

one to commit to even the smallest matter is like sucking peanut butter through a straw. Example,

you are going to dinner and he always defers to your choice in restaurants. For ye ars, you have

been choosing the restaurant and then one day he looks at you and says, you always control

where we eat. You have to take away his ability to make such statements by encouraging him to


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make decisions. Unbelievably the passive aggressive man s confidence in himself is so low that he

is actually afraid of choosing where to eat or which movie to see. He fears you not agreeing with

his choices so; he avoids the fear by deferring to you each time.

By encouraging him to make choices you will be h elping to build his confidence. During this time

try and not be critical of his choices. If you must be critical, do not be critical of him but hisbehavior. For example if he chooses a restaurant that he knows you dislike then you pretty much

know that he is doing it to get back at you, he is attempting to punish you. Call him on it, ask him

why he is choosing a place he knows you dislike and will not enjoy. Tell him to please put effort into

picking a place that you will both enjoy and to please not punis h you with covert anger by choosing

a place he knows you dislike.

If he refuses to follow through and uses the I cant excuse, remind him that what he really means

is he wont because he resents you asking. Ask him to be more honest, to stop making excu ses,

and to just tell you that he doesnt want to do what you ask him to do. There is no harm in pointing

out his lack of effort and telling him that if he doesnt start carrying his weight in the relationship

then you are going to stop needing his input. If he refuses to take more of a leading role then, you

will have to start asking for only what you absolutely need from him.

The passive aggressive man is very talented at rewriting history, distorting the truth, sending

double messages, making ambiguous plans, straddling the fence on issues and making indirect

statements that dont really say anything. Point this out to him. Pin him down on how he is prone to

confusing an issue just to save his own skin. Let him know that when he uses these coping

patterns that you dont feel loved nor close to him.

By far the most self-defeating pattern in a passive aggressive man is their need to be the victim.

They love to play the poor, poor me guy in hopes that you will feel sorry for them and not bring up

their negative actions. Its a powerful tool he uses to get out of accepting responsibility for his part

in the relationship. The sad thing is, it is directly tied to his lack of confidence and a fear of not

being able to hold up his end of the relationship. Its im portant to praise him often in areas that he

does do well in and to stress how committed you are to the relationship. His actions show a great

depth of dependence upon you and fear of abandonment by you. Try to get him to discuss these

fears by pointing ou t to him that anyone who acts that way must be afraid of something. Ask him

what he needs from you for him to feel safer and be less fearful of you leaving him. If he says he

has no such fears then remind him that we all have fears and that facing them is a way of learning

more about ourselves and how to give and accept love. Show him by example the benefits of

facing fears instead of denying them.


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You have to be willing to call his attention to his manipulative behavior. Point out every time he tries

to control you with his anger. The passive aggressive expresses anger by withdrawing, being

sarcastic, using intimidation, withholding affection and love and, in some cases physical violence.

Consequences for their behavior must be stated and carried through i f they refuse to take

responsibility in the relationship. If, in the end, he is unwilling to make changes to his negative

behavior, dont take it personally. It is learned behavior that he uses to avoid confrontation and hemay have an obstinate need to ho ld onto that behavior and the fears that come along with it.

In the end you have choices, you can learn to live with disappointment for the sake of the

relationship. If you do this, I would suggest you get into counseling so that you can better

understand your own willingness to continue in an unhappy relationship. On the other hand, you

can choose to leave the relationship and stop the cycle of abusive and dismissive behavior. If you

do, you will leave with knowledge of what you dont want in your next re lationship!

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PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR