part of your task like that of every other person is to ... · Understand family of origin work (Pia Mellody/ Survivors) ©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW. Myths & Misconceptions “I

. . . part of your task - like that of every other person - is to supplement what your parents have

given you, to find other sources of parenting.

You need more mothering than your mother could give you,

more fathering than your father had to offer . . . .

- Henry T. Close©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW

IF IT’S NOT ONE THING,IT’S YOUR MOTHER:

How to Move Beyond Blameand Reclaim Your Wholeness

Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW, CSATMarch 1, 2011

Van Heppelin

©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW


Objectives

Importance of family of origin experiences

Understand connection between childhood experiences and current issues

Understand family of origin work (Pia Mellody/Survivors)


Myths & Misconceptions

“I didn’t have any abuse in my childhood.”

“There’s no point dwelling on the past.”

“My childhood has nothing to do with my ____________ (relationships/addiction/depression, etc.).”

“This is a waste of time. Can’t we just deal with the real issue?”


Why it Matters

Inevitability of childhood trauma

Shame Core

Carried Feelings

Healing childhood is an inside job (re-parenting)


The Extremes

Over-protective/Hyper-empathic Blaming


Over-protective/Hyper-empathic

“It wasn’t really abusive.”

“She had a bad childhood.”

“He’s an important person. It was difficult for him to make time for me.”

“My Dad was so mean. There was nothing she could do.”


The Blame Game

“The reason I’m an alcoholic is because of what he did (or what he didn’t do).”

“My life would be __________ if she would/wouldn’t have __________.”

“Because of them, I will never __________.”

“My resentment toward them is justified.”


The Middle Way

Over-protective/Hyper-empathic Blaming

Telling the truth (about the past)and taking responsibility (for the present)


Inevitability ofChildhood Trauma

Nature of the child (dependency/vulnerability)

Caretakers as first experience of a Higher Power

Child brain development

Naturally egocentric

Length of childhood

Not “adults in little bodies”


Overview of Developmental Immaturity Issues

Nature of the Child

1. Valuable

2. Vulnerable(Protection)

3. Imperfect(Reality)

4. Dependent(Needs/Wants)

5. Spontaneous and Open

Childhood Trauma

Core Issues

1. Self-Esteem Issues(Less Than vs. Better Than)

2. Boundary Issues(Too Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable)

3. Reality Issues(Bad or Rebellious vs.Good or Perfect)

4. Dependency Issues(Too Dependent v. Anti-Dependent or Needless/Wantless)

5. Moderation/Containment Issues(Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others)

Immaturity

Secondary

Symptoms

1. Negative Control Issues

2. Resentment Issues/Raging

3. Spirituality Issues

4. Addiction IssuesDepressionPhysical Illness

5. Intimacy Issues

Unmanageability

Relational Problems

1. Relational Esteem Issues

2. Enmeshment and Avoidance Issues

3. Dishonesty

4. Problems with Interdependence

5. Intensity Issues

Problems with

Being Intimate

© Pia Mellody

causes both drive all three create

Shame CoreChildhood Wounding and

The Development of the Shame Core

© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW

Emotions, qualities, and characteristic grow (or fail to grow) in

proportion to how much each is nurtured/wounded/neglected.

All abuse increases the shame core.

Wounding

Event

emotions/qualities/

characteristics

Conscious

Unconscious

shame

Wounding

EventWounding

Event

Dynamics of Childhood Wounding and The Shame Core

© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW

Conscious

Unconscious

External

event/

trigger

Reaction/

Response

External

event/trigger

Reaction/

Response

emotions/qualities/characteristics

We Don’t KnowWhat We Don’t Know

What is trauma/abuse?

Template (relationships, etc.)

Calibration


The Way OutIdentify significant childhood events

Tell the truth

Integration of Functional Adult

Reintegrate child states (especially the Wounded Child and the Adapted Adult Child)

Re-parenting

Ongoing internal boundary work with major caregivers


Trauma

Defined by Pia Mellody as “anything less than nurturing”

Trauma results from events that are experienced as overwhelming, inescapable, and over which we are powerless

Trauma is “frozen energy” held in consciousness and body until it is discharged/released


Somatic Experiencing

Developed by Peter Levine

Focuses on body sensations

Helps release trauma stored in body

Helps cultivate resilience


Identify Significant Childhood Events

Understand abuse/trauma

physicalsexualemotionalintellectualspiritual

Timeline

overt vs. covert

enmeshing abuse vs. neglect/abandonment


Tell the Truth

What was it really like?

Reality vs. Fantasy

Grieving loss of how we thought it was


Integration ofFunctional Adult

Five Core Issues:

Esteem

Boundaries

Reality

Dependency

Moderation

©Pia Mellody

Conscious Integration of Child States

Identify child states (especially the Wounded Child and Adapted Adult Child)

Listen

Gain trust

Begin process of re-parenting


Re-parenting Skills

Functional Adult:

Affirming

Nurturing

Setting limits

©Pia Mellody

Criticizing

Attacking

Indulging

vs.

Adapted Adult Child:

Boundary Workwith Caregivers

Giving back carried feelings:

anger

pain

shame

fear


Benefits of Family of Origin Work

Tools/choices

Taking responsibility

Eliminates resentment (victim anger)

Improves parenting of own children

Forgiveness


I hope you wi$ not be embarrassed at your need for parenting, and that you wi$ be humble

enough and determined enough to find effective ways of getting it.

- Henry T. Close


Questions


Documents

part of your task like that of every other person is to ... · Understand family of origin work (Pia Mellody/ Survivors) ©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW. Myths & Misconceptions “I