PARENTING SOLUTIONS JOURNAL · 2015-01-29 · years, because not only was she taken from her siblings and them all split up when she was 8, she even lost her identity. For as long

Recently our nineteen year old decided it was time to try living on her own. This is scary and not for many of the reasons you might think. Remember this is a child who has spent most of her entire life growing up in institutional environments. Not institution for the mentally unstable where you assume that everyone inside is growing through a really challenging time in their lives both short‐term and long‐term, and may or may not eventually get back into the world, but rather treatment facilities for children. Meaning, they go into care, very costly care, under the premise that the talented team of mental health professionals is going to help them improve, develop, and grow so they may be able to “step down” to a less intensive setting, either a treatment foster home or a group home.

Well she spent from 8 to 18 in just such settings. What were the results of this professional care to the tune of approximately $14,000 per month? Well for starters she has social anxiety so high that she avoids most large group

settings such as malls, shopping centers, family gatherings. Her social skills are highly diminished as she has very challenging times asking others for anything, saying thank you, even acknowledging a gesture from another. Additionally, her independent living abilities are greatly challenged as she still needs much oversight, encouragement to pick up, empty dishes, take out the trash, count her money accurately, and even consider options for the future. She has a work ethic that last about 10 minutes before she is just plain pooped, and her abstract thinking ability is virtually non‐existent. Mind you she is a very attractive girl being both tall and slender, yet she has never had a significant relationship and has no concept of how a man is supposed to treat a woman and vice versa. And I won’t even mention that she can barely see or hear effectively and I mean that quite literally. The first time my wife had her try on a pair of general bi‐focals (continued on page 2)

FROM BRYAN: ON MATURITY

OCTOBER 2009

B. Bryan Post, America’s Foremost Child Behavior Expert

PPPARENTINGARENTINGARENTING SSSOLUTIONSOLUTIONSOLUTIONS JJJOURNALOURNALOURNAL

IN THIS ISSUE Bryan Post on Maturity From the POST Office by David Durovy Helene Timpone on Replacing the Old

With the New Dysfunctional or Dysregulated by

Deborah Chelette‐Wilson Upcoming Events Stacy York’s Mommy Time As She Sleeps by Lisa Boyles Melanie Votaw’s Helpful Hints for

Parents—Part I The Nightmare by Laura Slagle Got Attitude by Bryan Post Cultivating Spiritual Success in Our

Children by Willie Ice My Most Influential Childhood Event

by Jully Hernandez Is Coaching For Me? Bryan’s Big Idea: Michael Jackson as a

Reflection for Parenting “The ultimate tool for your parenting toolbox”

Learn how to deal with lying, stealing, defiance, incessant chatter….and other serious and challenging behaviors that parents face. Get step‐by‐step guidance from America’s Foremost Child Behavior Expert. Available in print, as an eBook, and audio series.

Post Institute Parenting Solutions Journal October 2009 2 www.postinstitute.com

PARENTING SOLUTIONS JOURNAL

Publishers Bryan Post David Durovy

Editing Melanie Votaw Tim Nardoni

Layout Nicola Wattles

Contributors Bryan Post Helene Timpone Deborah Chelette‐Wilson Stacy York Lisa Boyles Melanie Votaw Laura Slagle Willie Ice Jully Hernandez

2819 Haden Martin Road, Palmyra, Virginia 22963 www.postinstitute.com www.postinnercircle.com

[email protected] (434) 589‐8828 Toll Free (866) 848‐7678 Fax (434) 591‐0119

General: Bryan Post’s Parenting Solutions Journal is published monthly and covers parenting and challenging behaviors in children.

Subscriptions: Copies are mailed 12 times per year along with a bonus CD. For more information and to join the POST Parenting Inner Circle, visit www.postinnercircle.com or e‐mail [email protected], or call Toll Free 866‐848‐7678. Subscriptions are mailed monthly $29.95 USA or $39.95 International.

Letters to the Editor: Feedback is welcome and may be published with your permission. Send by mail to the above address or to [email protected].

From the POST Office by David Durovy

Knowledge is Technology. A mom called and asked “What technology do you use?”. I thought for a moment, thinking of technology as gadgetry, and replied that we don’t use any technology, more psychology if anything. That word however rumbled around in my brain while I previewed the October Journal. I began to wonder if we did use a technology of sorts. I decided to ask Noah Webster, and found to my surprise that technology is defined as “the branch of knowledge that deals with applied science”. Hmmmm. Then, “practical application of knowledge” and, “techniques used for practical end”. WOW!

What could be more practical than saving your life and the lives of your children through the direct application of the Stress ModelTM principles based on modern brain science?

Willie Ice used this technology so elegantly (Cultivating Spiritual Success p. 10) in addressing the creative expressions of her son to achieve a wonderfully practical and regulated end—the appreciation of the pursuit of happiness (as guaranteed by our constitution)—along with the acknowledgement that there are still lessons to be learned regarding other people’s property. The result is NO stress, NO shame, NO blame, NO judgment or punishment and, importantly, NO battles needed to be won. Mom and child still in love with each other. Revolutionary, yes? What’s more, this technology can be repeated with similar results over and over again. Anyone who has used the Stress ModelTM has knowledge of the practical application for a practical end—Regulation, Love and Peace. Knowledge is power and technology.

from the local beauty store, you know the designer looking ones for less than $5, the girl put them on and it was like Jesus healing the blind, she exclaimed, “I can see!”

But she is ready to try living on her own. And my wife and I shall support her in this the best we can. She recently had the fortune of after not having any family members in her life for 10 years, because not only was she taken from her siblings and them all split up when she was 8, she even lost her identity. For as long as I’ve known her, we’ve called her Kasha short for LaKasha, but since finding her mother again, her mother informed her that her name is LaKisha and her middle name is spelled with an “e” not an “i”. Talk about fostering split personalities in a child at a very early age.

Between the foster care system and the high dollar “professional” residential care, I’d say this girl has been thoroughly screwed over by the system, but that’s not the point of this article. Unfortunately she is just one of hundreds of thousands of children. The point is that she may look nineteen, sometimes talk nineteen, and walk like a nineteen year old, but she is far from nineteen. A child with an IQ of not more than 70 was allowed to sign herself out of care at the age of eighteen, because at eighteen she is considered an adult.

Who exactly is mature? The definition of mature is complete in natural growth or development. How can we claim that this child is mature, she is so far from complete development it pains me. I mean pains me. This child, now my child, because I am responsible for her requires at least twenty hours of direct care, and will require as much just to support her into enough maturity to even begin handling the responsibilities of life. Now on the other hand, we don’t have to expect anything of her. We could just hope that she eventually qualifies for disability, never does drugs, doesn’t end up with an abusive drug addicted boyfriend, or in some manipulative prostitution ring, much less pregnant with children, but honestly those are what all the signs point to.

I am very limited in my abilities to help directly just based on the sheer amount of my other responsibilities in life, but I have to make time. Most of all I have to make time to hug, say I love you, smile, encourage, support, be patient, flexible and understanding, as each day basis by.

With the strength of love, I believe we can stay away from being pulled down by the negative force of history, or least I have faith that we can. Throughout these times all I can have is faith, trust, and hope. As I say over and over again I love you, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, thank you and not give up until she has been raised up in the way she should go because she is not yet old nor mature.

— Bryan Post

On Maturity (Continued from page 1)

Bryan Post


Saint Francis of Assisi said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

There is a movement in society today – one that we may call spiritual, new age, and scientific. We are raising our consciousness to become more aware of ourselves and to learn to respond rather than react. This includes the way in which we parent our children. It’s a change in our belief systems and the behavioral patterns associated with these beliefs. It’s a paradigm shift from fear to love, from surviving to thriving, and from darkness to light.

The old paradigm of parenting from fear has raised children into adults who are unable to accept responsibility for their actions. These are people who indulge in different forms of instant gratification (addictions), cannot trust, and fear their own feelings, as well as the feelings of others. As we evolve and each generation reflects on its own experiences, we cognitively know what we should and should not do when raising our next generation. However, we find ourselves doing the things we swore we wouldn’t do.

At a much deeper and greater level, we have a knowing that tells us there is so much more. That is the beginning of the paradigm shift. The question is then, “What does the process of making the shift from fear to love look like?”

Permit ourselves to acknowledge that some of our old beliefs about parenting are no longer working. Parents innately desire to see their children blossom into self‐sufficient, emotionally balanced adults. Therefore, if our daughters engage in self‐destructive behaviors, fear causes us to believe that we’re failing as parents. We begin to imagine the worst case scenarios. “If she doesn’t change this behavior now, her future could be ruined.” Perhaps in an angry or flustered moment, we make statements that blame and shame the child: “What were you thinking? Why would you do such a thing? What’s wrong with you?”

As we seek to take control, we move into power struggles. We begin to impose consequences for the child’s behavior until our daughters either say or think, “How could YOU do this to me? You just don’t understand!” In these moments, the ability to teach our children is lost. The child internalizes the punishment as “I’m not okay or acceptable.” The child may comply, but that compliance is motivated by a fear of not being loved. Non‐compliance is also motivated by the fear of not being good enough to receive the love and acceptance of their parents.

WHEN: She is older, and home, school, and other environments instill fear, guilt, and shame and/or life circumstances have brought traumatic events: We seek to teach her socially appropriate behavior or look to comfort her. We assure her that it will be fine, we dry her tears, look at the bright side of things, punish her for expressing her anger inappropriately, or reject her because we feel rejected. After all, we receive positive reinforcement from family, friends and other social arenas for being a good parent when our children behave.

HOW: Do we honor and acknowledge that our child isn’t consciously seeking to manipulate us or purposely seeking to get even with us? How can we understand that her depression or anger is simply fear?

As parents, we must explore the possibility that there is something we do not understand about raising our children. New understandings in parenting our teens can produce extreme healing and drastic changes in our children, ourselves, our families, and others around us. So, again, what is the “how”? Know that everything you need already exists within you. Give yourself permission to listen to the voices of your children. They often speak truths. Listen to your own inner voice or the voice of another when their words echo in your heart – when everything in your body responds with that deep inner knowing

Inevitably, fear will visit, so OPEN WIDER. Have the faith that fear cannot exist in LOVE. Let go of the old ideas, and you will see all of the possibilities available to you. When it gets really hard, allow yourself to surrender into the shame, anger, hurt, and fear. Then, push as hard as you can, taking one step at a time. Every time you come back to LOVE, congratulate yourself for having transcended fear.

Courageously examine these new understandings, and if they align with your personal inner truth and knowing, enlarge your parenting belief system to include them. Remember that there is no such thing as right and wrong. There is only what works and what doesn’t work, so trust your instincts. First, be gentle with yourself. Second, give yourself permission to be the expression of your grandest ideas. Finally, the more you practice these ideas, the more you will understand them. As you inspire yourself, your children, your family, your friends, and your acquaintances, know that they are all on the journey toward love as well. Honor and love them where they are. As Bryan Post says, “It’s the process that dictates the outcome.” As the fullest expression of your grandest and highest beliefs, you will radiate the possibilities that love creates. You will then touch others in ways that will shift belief systems for many generations ahead. Helene Timpone, LCSW is an internationally recognized Therapist, Speaker, and Coach. She is mostly known for her expertise and success with preteen and teen girls. Helene serves as the Director of the POST Therapeutic Learning Center in Chesapeake, VA and provides parent coaching through the POST Institute. Feel free to contact her with thoughts and questions related to services. Email: [email protected].

REPLACING THE OLD WITH THE NEW Helene Timpone, LCSW

Helene Timpone


Dysfunctional family systems have been used for years. I remember feeling somewhat bewildered when I heard the term in relation to my family, however. Of course, at that time, it was reflected to me that my challenges were related to my denial system. I accepted that to some degree, but something still nagged at me. When I learned more about the stress model and connected to my fears, I realized that it wasn’t my denial system that caused me to question this term – it was a reflection of my experiences and my inner wisdom.

In the American Heritage Dictionary, the word dysfunction is defined as “disordered or impaired functioning.” No one who knew me and my family would describe us that way. If we had impaired functioning, I don’t see how we would have survived. Even in the midst of our traumas, we succeeded and thrived. My three brothers, two sisters, and I were involved in scouting, church, and school activities in which we were able to develop skills and abilities that continue to serve us today. We had family outings, family vacations, and family times together where we got along and shared a sense of connection. The legacy from our parents consisted of both positive and negative repetitious conditioning.

The stress model teaches that all negative behavior arises from a state of stress, and in between the stress and the behavior, there is the presence of two primary emotions: love and fear. It is in expressing and processing our fears that we can calm the stress and diminish the behaviors. We are also either regulated or dysregulated in our mind‐body system. When we are regulated, we are calm and open, and we can express love because we are within our window of stress tolerance. When we are dysregulated, we are in survival mode and outside our window of stress tolerance. We are stuck in the primitive part of our brain so that our thinking is confused and distorted, and short‐term memory is suppressed.

It makes sense to me that I grew up in a family that frequently vacillated from states of regulation to dysregulation. I believe that in those moments of regulation, we experienced love, care, and a connection to each other. The problem was that the times of dysregulation covered up our experiences of regulation over time. My parents stayed in ongoing, chronic, unexpressed, unprocessed, and unintegrated traumas, perpetuating the same for me and for my siblings.

Within their dysregulated states, my parents didn’t see our needs, so they didn’t meet them. Their distorted thinking

allowed them to visit many horrors upon us, creating negative feedback loops which taught us a lot of distorted beliefs about ourselves and the world. This conditioning is not a genetic defect but a result of being a human being overwhelmed by life experiences and the carrying of unresolved traumas. This is not an excuse for what they did but an understanding of the realities of how people can love you one minute and harm you the next. We need to understand this if we are going to stop it.

We know so much more now than at any time in history about what it is to be a human being struggling with the issues of life while staying stuck in fear and survival. From that place of fear and survival, we can’t see that there is love and thriving. We are stuck with our fists closed to the possibilities that life has to offer. When we can face our fears and open our fists, we

challenge our conditioning and begin living a new kind of life – a life of integration and transformation.

How we (collectively and individually) define experiences either limits us or opens us to new possibilities. Out of accepting that I was dysfunctional and impaired, I ran in fear, trying to heal myself because I didn’t want to be weak and damaged. In doing that, I kept myself stuck in a victim place as I tried to get “fixed.”

Today, I can accept that negative repetitious conditioning from stress and trauma triggers my bottom state level memory drawer, causing the trauma monster to pop out. That is not something damaged or weak in me but the natural outcome of living in an

ongoing state of stress and trauma that has gone unexpressed, unprocessed, and unintegrated. As I challenge that conditioning, I return my focus to what is right and good and wonderful about me. I return to the love of who I am, where I come from, and my purpose to share what I know peacefully and calmly with the world.

Dysregulation says that I have to fix everyone or die. Regulation says that I honor myself and live to love. Whatever I feel, whatever I believe, and whatever I have experienced do not have to define me. It is what has happened to me. It is what I have lived through (positive and negative repetitious conditioning). But it isn’t me. Now my understanding tells me that all of my experiences need to be given a place of honor and integration. I believe that is how I become integrated and whole.

(continued on page 5)

DYSFUNCTIONAL OR DYSREGULATED? Deborah Chelette‐Wilson

When we are dysregulated, we are in survival mode and

outside our window of stress tolerance.


Deborah Chelette‐Wilson

STAR survivor, thriver, author, trainer, and Post Institute Representative, Deborah Chelette‐Wilson, MHR, LPC is excited to share the pioneering stress model based on research from neuroscience, attachment, and family systems. Deborah is available for lectures, workshops, coaching, and consulting at http://www.integratingtrauma.com.

Deregulated or Dysfunctional (continued from page 4)

Every Sunday night my parents and five siblings would gather in the living room. Dinner would be popcorn. We would gather around the television for our ‘family time,’ which consisted of watching Lassie and the Wonderful World of Disney. It was one of the few times I felt a sense of connection and belonging.

“You kids are going to drive me crazy!” My mom’s famous mantra that is burned in my memory. I wish that I had known then that this was a reflection of her regulatory system outside its window of stress tolerance. Instead, ‘because I was the oldest’, I felt it was a reflection of my failing to keep my 5 younger siblings in check. I think it was when I was about 15 or 16 years old that my step dad was sent to Korea. I don’t know how long he was gone but he had to come home because my mom had a nervous breakdown. When he got back the memory of the conversation he had with me left me feeling like it was my failing to help enough that led to his inability to complete his mission and my mother’s hospitalization. So her prophecy came true and it was my entire fault. That shame and blame I continue to challenge to this day.

Regulated:

Dysregulated:

Mommy Time by Stacy York

Upcoming Events

Oct 22‐24 ‐ Illinois Association of School Social Workers (Arlington Heights, IL). Bryan Post is presenting a workshop on Friday: Chaos, Classrooms and Compassion: Finding Solutions and Better Ways to Engage Difficult and Hard to Reach Children, Parents, and Administrators.

Oct 30‐31 ‐ POST Parenting Camp (Dallas, TX)

Nov 12 ‐ Working with Attachment Challenged, Angry and Defiant Children (Spokane, WA), a One‐Day, Information‐Packed Seminar. Did you know that 90% of communication occurs on a nonverbal physiologic level? If this is true, the implications for work with adopted and attachment challenged children just got more challenging.

Nov 13‐14 ‐ POST Parenting Camp (Spokane, WA)

Dec 11‐12 ‐ POST Parenting Camp (LaCrosse, WI)

I had a call with Bryan Post and some other members of his group the other day. Oops! I missed it! What could be more important than a phone call with Bryan? Well, let me just tell you.

My hubby and I were busily going through our bedtime rituals with our kids. Bath time first. Are kids just born water babies? Our two children love to play in the bath and they absolutely love to dump water on each others’ heads and then spray mommy and daddy. After bath time, comes jammy time. Yep, jammy time: diapers, lotion, pajamas. Our two little munchkins can make this process last for what seems like ever. We play to get diapers on and we play to get lotion on and then each of them has to try to put lotion on the other. Then, in bedtime tradition, Stella and daddy go to get Sage a bottle of milk while I wrangle Sage into his pajamas (the kid never stops moving). Then, we all kiss Sage goodnight and Stella says, “Night night Sag‐e, sleep good.” Off to sleep for one of them.

Just as I think Miss Stella is going to her room to go “night night.” She grabs a comb and her detangler and says, “Cmon mommy.” How can I resist? Well, I can’t. I love this time of the evening. She sits still long enough for me to comb her hair. Then, she grabs the pony tail holders and keeps handing them to me. And, handing them to me, and, handing me some more. Until, finally, I look and she has 33 rubber bands in her hair! She goes right to the mirror and checks herself out and says, “So pretty mommy. Thank you.” Okay, now, I am officially in love and she has melted my heart.

Oh yeah, she got to stay up an extra 30 minutes and I missed my call with Bryan. I didn’t have one bit of guilt about either. This was Stella fostering healthy attachment. As soon as her hair was all finished, she went right to bed with no problems. She needed a little extra mommy time. And, quite honestly, I need a little extra Stella time. Another lesson in how our children let us know what they need, if we are open to hearing it!

Stacy G. York is a licensed clinical social worker in Billings, Montana. She currently works in private practice and implements the Stress Model with her clients. www.stacyyork.com Stacy York


As She Sleeps by Lisa Boyles

I watch her chest rise and fall, slowly, rhythmically. Her little face is so peaceful, so innocent. It reminds me of the days when she was just a baby, and I held her, rocked her, and kissed her tiny face. Those were the days when I didn’t know what was to come. Those were the days before I was able to fully understand what this child had endured, and what it would mean in her future … the days when we were both innocent in a way.

I flash back to some of our worst moments over the past few years – the agony, the anger, and the pain. This misunderstood child, lashing out at those around her, terrified to her very core, and begging for someone to be able to see. It reminds me of a poem by George Eliot that moves me deeply:

These children, these beautiful children, who are not met with eyes of love but are judged and punished for their outpouring of pain … I can’t make sense of it. Horror rips through me as I watch her and think about what she must have suffered at the hands of unconscious caretakers. I lower my head and cry.

A flood of emotions tear through my body: rage for what these children have been subjected to, sadness for those who pick up the pieces, regret for how little I still know, and guilt for how it can show up in our relationship and touch my daughter’s deep places of hurt. It pains me to recognize those moments when my own frustration and stress level surpass my ability to give this child the love and understanding that would bring hope and healing.

Thank goodness those moments are occurring less often. And I am able, more and more, to move into a loving, grounded space to support my daughter wherever she is emotionally. She is also beginning to relax into the safety of knowing that she will be taken care of. Here, she can meet and see the eyes of unconditional love in the best way I can offer. This love alone can move her forward in healing and faith and to greet her destiny – so bright and so full.

It’s hard to leave my daughter’s room and to walk away from the miracle that is my child. So, I don’t. Instead, I kick off my shoes and snuggle up to her. She throws her leg over mine and drifts off to sleep. I breathe deeply, taking it all in.

the eyes of the child and more about the need to create some normalcy in their lives. It might even be safe to say that many parents of child stars are emotionally arrested themselves – stuck in the adolescent state of needing to be accepted, liked, and perceived as important. Hmmm … that sounds familiar to parenting in general.

The message here is not one of trying to relieve Michael Jackson of any negative or traumatic acts that he may have perpetrated against children or anyone else, but rather a statement of the fact that this man was a child. He never grew up. I see it every day in my work. Every day, I see some child of a traumatic and absent environment still stuck emotionally as a two‐year‐old. Yet, nearly everyone in that child’s life says he’s 17. Can we see him in any manner different from what his behaviors dictate? Look at this iceberg. It is no different than behaviors. When we judge by behaviors alone, we are only looking at the tip of the iceberg. It’s been said by many a wise person, but St. Francis, I believe, is credited with saying it first, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”

Just like with many of the children we serve, raise, and hope to guide, our understanding of Michael Jackson was severely limited. Therefore, he did not, in my limited knowledge, get help. Instead, he was coddled as one would a child who has been raised with material overindulgence but no real help. For that, a musical pioneer and genius of our times will be laid to rest with many negative impressions overshadowing his generous offerings to the world.

May God bless your soul, Michael, so that you might finally have eternal peace.

— Bryan

1 Perry, B.D. 2001 Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children. Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood. Adapted in part from: “Maltreated Children: Experience, Brain Development and the Next Generation” W.W. Norton & Company, New York. 2 Lewis, D.O. Guilty By Reason of Insanity. New York: Ivy Books, 1998

The Big Idea (Continued from page 12)

“A child forsaken, waking suddenly, Whose gaze afeared on all things round doth rove

And seeth only that it cannot see The meeting eyes of love.”

Lisa Boyles


7. Try not to let yourself be embarrassed by your child's behavior around other adults. Some of the most endearing things about children is their candor and disregard for rules. Obviously, if your child is truly annoying others, do everything you can within reason to stop the behavior. But,

also bear in mind that most adults who are annoyed by your child's behavior are no doubt in need of a good dose of playfulness and truth! Remember that children need to explore in order to discover the world. If they're yelling a bit in Grand Central Station to hear their echoes, what difference does it make? Anyone who is bothered by that should put themselves in a quieter place to begin with! And, if your child accidentally knocks something over at a friend's house, you may need to insist that your child sit still. But, don't chastise him in front of your friend. It was an accident, and your child should never be made to feel "bad" or "wrong" for an accident.

8. The old adage that actions speak louder than words is never more true than for a parent. If your actions consistently belie what you say, your child will never behave based on what you say, nor will your child trust you. Children emulate who you are and how you act.

9. Besides love, the thing your child needs most from you is your respect. In turn, if your child observes you showing respect to others, you will receive respect from your child.

10. It's perfectly normal to feel angry with your child at times, but there's anger and then, there's ANGER. Rational anger not only teaches a child what is acceptable to you and what isn't, but it also teaches that anger can be expressed in a healthy and even loving way. Losing control when angry, however, and saying very hurtful things or even lightly hitting someone causes real damage and requires professional help to manage feelings!

1. Find ways to make your child feel special every day, and not always just because of something she did. Let your child feel special some days just because she IS. Let her know in no uncertain terms that "who she is" is more important than "what she does."

2. A child who is made to feel that he is okay as he is will not easily fall prey to peer pressure, which means he will be much less likely to get involved with gangs or drugs.

3. The Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," may be corny, but it's more important to exercise it with your child than with anyone. If you treat your child the way you'd like to be treated, or ‐ even better ‐ the way you would have liked your parents to treat you, you can't go wrong.

4. The best way to teach your child to say "please" and "thank you" to others is to say "please" and "thank you" to your child.

5. We have to say "no" to children about so many things. Why not say "yes" as often as you can? Remember how you feel when someone says "no" to you ‐‐ especially when you don't understand why they're saying "no." As long as your child is not in harm's way or SERIOUSLY inconveniencing you or someone else, say "yes!" (Even if it means they occasionally make a little mess that you have to clean up.

6. If you explain to children the reasons for saying "no" about something, it's true that they may not understand the reasons or stop begging for what they want, and you still may have to find a way to stop their behavior. However, they will understand that you respected them enough to take a moment to explain your reasons for saying "no."

HELPFUL HINTS FOR PARENTS — PART I Melanie Votaw

Melanie Votaw

Children emulate who you are and how

you act.

Your child should never be made to feel "bad" or "wrong" for

an accident.


THE NIGHTMARE Laura Slagle

I am the mother of a son with various emotional challenges due to early trauma and neglect that occurred before we adopted him. Learning that fear is at the root of many of his behaviors has improved my relationship with him tremendously because, instead of seeing his negative behaviors as defiance or immaturity, I recognize these behaviors are his reaction to the fear he feels deep inside. Many of these behaviors that may seem negative now are the same behaviors that kept him alive during the first 15 months of his life.

Current everyday events in his life often trigger the fears from his past, and his natural reaction is to go into survival mode, which brings about the behaviors that seem so negative or immature. This realization alone, has helped me to change my reactions to him, which often alleviates his fears before they escalate into a huge episode. But some of those fears are just so deeply rooted, that they are an integral part of him and seem to block his ability to mature. The fact that these fears cause such automatic and involuntary reactions in his behavior led me to consider a tool called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

EFT is based on discoveries regarding the connection between the body's subtle energies, emotions, and health. It is a type of needle‐free acupuncture that includes tapping on potentially blocked points in order to free the body’s energy flow. I know, it sounds a bit out there…that’s what I thought too…but since it is harmless and easy to learn, I decided to try it and have found it useful for myself and my son. Best of all, I found all the info I needed for free on their web site. Let me give you an example of how it worked for my son.

When my son was 16, he had such intense fears that we had to be very careful where he went and what he watched on TV or at the movies. Sometimes he seemed to be doing better, but if he saw something scary by accident, there would be a huge setback and then he was so terrified that he could not go to sleep alone or even be in a room alone during the daytime. I had been reading about EFT and wanting to try it, but my son kept turning me down, saying it sounded “crazy” and I had to agree with him on that until one particular night.

The Halloween season was always especially difficult for him, and it usually took him at least a couple months to get over it each year. I had never let my son go to "Haunted Houses," but that October the church youth group was going to one that was supposed to teach a positive message, so I let him go. It turned out to be very traumatic for him.

They used real life situations including drugs, domestic violence, car accidents, and suicide to teach a lesson in each room. The event was appropriately named, "The Nightmare". My son came home absolutely terrified! He was literally shaking all over, and he held his eyes wide open at all times because if he closed them he would see scenes from the event. He sat straight up in a chair and said he was NOT going to bed. He was going to sit right there all night and wanted me to stay there with him.

My son knew I had been studying EFT and thought it sounded "weird". I asked him if he would like to try it for his fear. He said, "Well, I have to try something!" I told him it might seem a little silly, but we could just do it anyway and see what happened. After all, we had nothing else to do but sit there all

night. I pointed out the different spots to tap before we started.

I asked my son how strong his fear was on a scale of 1 ‐ 10. He said it was 11! We started the EFT protocol. He told me it was really "cheesy" and I said, "I know, that's okay." We tapped through all of the spots for "this Fear of The Nightmare." He said his fear was down to an 8. We then repeated the protocol, tapping on "this remaining Fear." and he went down to a 6.

He mentioned that he kept seeing a picture in his head of the girl shooting herself, so we tapped through "this suicide picture" a couple times. He said he was down to a 0 or 1, so I asked him to imagine himself walking through The Nightmare. When he reached a certain room, it brought him back up to an 8. He

said that the part where there was a lady going into labor at a drug party really scared him because it made him think of his baby sister, who was a foster child we had that had been born at a drug party. He said he kept seeing that picture in his mind, so we tapped through "this picture of the lady in labor".

Next, he said it made him worry about his baby sister so we tapped through, "this worried feeling" and then he said it made him miss her (we no longer have her, which has been very traumatic for him), so we tapped through "missing Rachael", "this lonely feeling", and for good measure, "any remaining fear". I was about to ask him what number he was at, when he suddenly got up and said, "Mom, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed." And he walked to his room and went to sleep. I took that to mean he was finally at a 0. This whole process took about 45 minutes.


I asked my son how strong his fear was on a scale of 1 ‐ 10. He said it was 11!


I sat in the living room afterward, just dumbfounded! I couldn't believe what had just happened. In fact, I'll admit that I was still expecting to be up with him all night long, but I never heard a peep from him even once during the night and he had no fears the following day.

In fact, he did not have his usual fears that linger on after Halloween. And he seems more at peace about his baby sister being gone too. He mentions her, but not with the same urgency and panic as before.

I had only just begun studying EFT when this happened and had only watched the first DVD with the intro and a demonstration, but it really showed me how to go through the process and keep doing the tapping over and over with each new aspect that surfaces until there is nothing left at all.

You can learn about EFT for free on their web site (www.emofree.com), but I highly recommend the instructional DVDs that are available at a minimal cost, as the demonstration given is very helpful. Laura Slagle is a Family Services Coordinator/Mental Health Rehabilitation Specialist who works with families of children under 6 with mental health needs. Laura assists families in their homes and in the community through parent coaching, crisis intervention, teaching and modeling relationship‐focused parenting, and connecting them with therapy to match their needs. Laura is the mother of son, DJ, now 20; and lives with her husband in Fresno, CA. Laura can be contacted at [email protected].

The Nightmare (Continued from page 8)

Are You Going to Be One of the One Hundred Families?

Please visit www.postinstitute.com/100families/

today!

Laura Slagle

Got Attitude? Bryan Post

When a child is always in a huff about a request or frowns his face, we have a tendency to say this child has an attitude problem.

However, brain research informs us that anytime we encounter something new or different, we perceive it as a threat until deemed otherwise. When you make a simple request of your child, he is naturally geared towards having a reaction. This reaction which is actually brain‐based causes him to experience a momentary state of freeze. At this juncture many children have been able to override this experience by rolling their eyes, huffing out loud, making strange sounds and groans, as they move toward completing the request. In this way the expression of emotion through attitude is an attempt, unconsciously, for the child to adjust to the request. To effectively permit your child this expression, simply make your request and move away. It can be just as effective to make your request in passing. This will permit your child to have the emotional safety of his expression without you feeling as though the child is disrespecting you.

Contrary to what your parents may have believed, the expression of attitude is not an attempt to disrespect, but rather an attempt to adjust to the demand of a new request. Albeit, the request may be very simple, the brain does not always see it that way.

Any request can create a stress reaction. When you make a request honor that it may seem like a really difficult one in that moment. Even if it’s a simple task like making the bed. How many of us really enjoy making the bed? Simply state, “I know it’s sometimes really hard for you to make up your bed.” Then walk away. There doesn’t have to be a “but”. In this instance you are honoring your child’s internal state while at the same time making it okay for them to go through whatever adjustments necessary to complete the task.


CULTIVATING SPIRITUAL SUCCESS IN OUR CHILDREN Willie Ice

Joy arises from exploring the depths of our desires in a playful, fun, and non‐threatening way. I saw this very thing happen the other day. My son, Charlie, who is eight years old, squirted shaving cream all over the toilet seat and into the bowl, along the side of the tub, and on the shower tiles. A greasy film of bath oils glistened along the top of his bath water. He splashed water all around, and his clothes lay on the floor bunched into a dripping, wet pile. (He’d dropped them into the bath tub and then, tossed them out, laughing.)

When I first heard his laughter, I merely noticed it and enjoyed the sound of his happiness. As his laughter continued (and armed with a certain knowing about my son), I decided to check on him. I peeked in the bathroom expecting I don’t know what. He flashed me a sheepish grin, and I sat down beside him to REALLY LOOK AT HIM. What I saw in Charlie’s deep brown eyes was pure joy. My boy was experiencing pure and ecstatic joy as a result of his very own creative energies.

Still, this eight‐year‐old boy, playing with the heart of a child half his age, had once again taken something that belonged to his teenage sister in order to create his magic. Past experience had taught me that she would probably not be thrilled, and depending on the day, she might not be a bit patient with his overstepping boundaries once again. I could almost hear her exasperated voice in my head, “Why doesn’t he just leave my stuff alone?”

I lifted my wiggling boy from the tub after one last slippery slide through greasy, foamy water. I told my son, “We have to talk.” Charlie lowered his eyes expectantly. He quietly said, “I know.”

I asked my son to tell me if what he had been doing was okay or not. With a gleam in his eyes, he vigorously nodded his head affirmatively. Then, he looked in my eyes questioningly and changed his spirited headshaking to a slow horizontal nod, first to the left and then, to the right. He suspected that he ought to communicate the opposite of what he truly felt.

I have Bryan Post, founder of the Post Institute for Family Regulatory Therapy and all that he has offered to me through parenting camps, family camp, and personal parenting modeling to thank for my next decision. I have learned the value of determining what Charlie understood about his behavior before making any decisions about what to do next. (And I had the privilege of focusing only on this child since my teen didn’t yet know her shaving cream and bath oils were missing.)

Simply put, my son had been motivated by a desire to have fun. He didn’t say so with words but with his actions. I asked him, “Honey, were you trying to have a whole bunch of fun, be a super duper bad boy, or just see who could make the worst ever mess?” His eyes said it all as his arms went around my neck. “It was really fun, Mommy!” Then, he relaxed into my arms and animatedly told me just how much fun it really had been. His laughter told me more than his words. Being bad had never crossed his mind in any way. Neither had boundaries, such as not using his sisters’ things without her permission, making extra work for Mom, etc.

My second question was for myself. Would I have given Charlie permission to experiment in this way if he had asked? Honestly, I would not have. It is possible that my teenage daughter may or may not have, depending on whether she was guaranteed replacement items at no cost and whether she would be asked to take part in the clean‐up. She adores her little brother, but her things are her things. She doesn’t find it easy to negotiate about this.

No matter what we want in life, we want it for one reason. We anticipate that having it – whatever it is – will make us feel better. My son gave to himself what he really wanted. That is all he did! He brought himself great joy, and he did so without remembering anyone or anything else. Certainly, there are lessons for him to learn, but they need not be punitive. I want him and all of my children to learn first to be joyful. Only then do I want them to temper that joy enough that it doesn’t

interfere with the joyful experiences of another. I’m grateful that my son has the courage to risk the wrath of others in order to learn what brings him joy.

Joy is the result of spiritual success, and this is the greatest ambition we can cultivate within ourselves and our children. Feelings of peace and joy with all things, both material and immaterial, are the best indication of success in life. More than anything else, this is what I aspire to help my children learn and celebrate. The rest will come. If they can celebrate their being, living well will become easy. They will do what comes naturally and love others in the same way they are able to love themselves. This is the foundation of all that I have learned using the Post parenting paradigm, and it is also the goal of spiritual parenting.

I want him and all of my children to learn first to be joyful. Only then do I want them to temper that joy enough that it doesn’t interfere with the joyful experiences of another.

Willie Ice


MY MOST INFLUENTIAL CHILDHOOD EVENT Jully Hernandez

Growing up in a household where I would see my mother get beaten by my step‐father in my early childhood was considered normal to me at the time. When the abuse stopped I thought it would all go away, but it never did. Soon I became the target for my mother on why her life went so wrong. Feeling defenseless and emotionally unavailable was the only way I knew how to cope. That is, until I met Helene, my school social worker, the one person who finally heard my silent cries. Getting adopted by her was the most influential event of my life. Helene guided me through all of the emotional damage that my mother put me through.

I wasn’t always with my mom; my grandma raised me from birth in Colombia. At the age of five my mom decided it was the right time for me to be a part of her life and move to the U.S.A. She was already married and expecting her second child in her new marriage. Two years after I moved in my stepfather stopped beating my mother. I thought that my life was going to make a change for the better, but my mom realized that she was not happy with her life. I became the medium in which she vented her anger out; I was beaten, punished, blamed, and unacknowledged. Just when I thought that my life was going to be like this forever, Helene adopted me.

When I first lived with her, I was frightened and easily triggered. when DSS placed me with her they blamed me for hitting my mother, failing school, cutting all of my classes, experimenting with drugs and running away from home. I thought it was my fault too. In my new home, I learned to trust myself, validate my own feelings and feel safe under my own

skin. It wasn’t easy at all but Helene walked me through it one step at a time. In the beginning, love was conditional and temporary but with my new mom's unconditional love I learned that I too was capable of it. I also, Made the honor roll, went to all my classes, I stopped using illegal drugs and even got a scholarship. I learned I hit my mom because I believed I was going to die not because I am a bad person.

Even though I had a rough home life with my own parents, I came to know what it is to be loved. Helene adopting me was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Because of her I now am intuitive to my own feelings and can lead a happy successful life. The process was difficult but the outcome makes it worth it. I can definitely say this was the most influential childhood event of my life. I cherish the time we have had together.

Jully Hernandez is the adopted daughter of Helene Timpone, LCSW is an internationally recognized Therapist, Speaker and Coach. She is mostly known for expertise and success with preteen and teen girls. Helene serves as the Director of the POST Therapeutic Learning Center in Chesapeake VA and provides parent coaching through the POST Institute. You can contact her with thoughts, comments and questions related to services. Email: [email protected].

My 21 year old adopted daughter has gone to Florida to attend college. She wrote an essay for one of her classes and emailed it to me. When I asked if I could share it with you she was more than thrilled to do so. I adopted her at the age of 16 and 5 years later she has proven herself to me as my greatest gift. While, she speaks of the healing I have provided for her please believe me when I say, "She has given me 10x's that". Here is what she sent:

Jully Hernandez

Are you a Parent, Guardian or Professional? Have you read a book, listened to a CD, watched a DVD or attended a seminar and still have questions?

Need a friendly, encouraging and supportive voice? Need a like mind to help you apply the information to your child or client? Would you like receive assistance from the comfort of your own home at a time that is convenient for you?

Then the answer is YES! Coaching is an excellent options for families and professionals who are striving to create healing in families, but find themselves struggling on their journey.

Go to www.postinstitute.com. Click on services/coaching.

Click on the shopping cart and choose the # of hours or you can email [email protected] to discuss the amount or hours that are appropriate for you and your family.

You will receive an automated email form asking you to provide a brief history on your family. Your information is confidential. You will be contacted by email or telephone to schedule your first session.

Coaching takes place over the telephone and from the comfort of your home. A call in telephone number and PIN will be provided to you through an email. All sessions are recorded and mailed to you on a CD, unless you decline this option. This is recorded for you only and will not be reprinted without your authorization. All coaches are trained by the Post Institute under the guidance of Bryan Post. Parents and professionals who are interested in coaching can simply email [email protected]

Is Coaching For Me?

Michael Jackson as a Reflection for Parenting Recently, we lost a legend, a musical genius, and icon. I

grew up listening to Michael Jackson from as early as I can remember. I still have his “Off the Wall” record stuck under my Mom’s bed in Oklahoma. I can recall having that record as a kid for years because it sat dusty in the top of my closet, and every now and again, I would just look at the cover. From “Rock with You” to “Billie Jean” and “Thriller,” I practiced every move, won a lip sync and dance contest in my local Mountain View County Fair and Mr. Legs competitions at my local high school. I still remember a group of friends and I put together an entire break dancing routine when the craze hit. We had it all choreographed right there in my friends’ danky, dusty little garage. Scott Dawkins, David Walker, Shawn Jackson and myself prepared tediously for the county fair contest. We sweated, argued, revised, and revised some more until we felt it was good, and then, we coordinated our costumes. When the night was upon us, we nailed it. But we lost. We lost to a little kid moonwalking across the stage doing an impersonation of Michael in “Billie Jean.” I was crushed but had to admit the kid was good.

Michael Jackson was great. No one can ever take that away from him, but also never grew up. From the six or seven‐year‐old kid singing with his brothers in Indiana, he never grew past that stage. Dr. Bruce Perry, whose work has had an enormous impact on my own, says, “In times of stress, we revert to our developmental zones of comfort.” In other words, when we stress, we regress. Psychiatrist Dorothy Otnow‐Lewis, author of the phenomenal book Guilty by Reason of Insanity, states that when children experience a high degree of ongoing stress or trauma, it causes them to become emotionally arrested. Without knowing one iota of truth or fact regarding Michael Jackson’s history and day‐to‐day family life, it’s easy to consider that his early fame alone was stressful and traumatic enough to have caused him to become both socially and emotionally stunted. Obviously, this is not a choice; it’s a neurobiological reality.

There have been rumors for years about the rigid home in which the Jacksons grew up with their demanding father and passive mother. It has been recounted on many occasions. I’ve never read Michael Jackson’s autobiography and don’t know if he has even written one, but one very telling fact of the tense parent‐child relationship is that upon his death, he left his father out of his will. One final, strong rebellious act.

Michael became worth millions of dollars, he bought a ranch and called it Neverland, just like Peter Pan, just like J.M. Barrie, who also had a traumatic childhood and never quite grew up. Barrie literally did not grow up, never growing over 5 feet in height. Jackson, on the other hand, was 6’1” and a very thin 120 lbs. or so. He stocked Neverland with amusement park rides, horses, monkeys, llamas, and tigers. It is rumored that he held elaborate parties for children and their families and held sleepovers in pajamas with the children all sleeping in the same bed – himself included. This obviously led to the first exposure and insight into his emotionally arrested state. A grown man having parties and sleepovers with little children is not considered normal. Society had a ball portraying him as a child molester and pedophile. It should be known that in all of the acts that came to public light, it was never indicated that Jackson had sodomized the young children nor used instruments to penetrate them or any other such vile act.

Instead, he engaged in games of show and tell, you show me yours, I’ll show you mine, etc. This is repulsive when we consider it as the behavior of a grown man involved with small children, but what if he were an overgrown seven‐year‐old? Would we have had the same vile, disgusting reactions? Not likely.

In our society, we only see behavior. We don’t bother to see underneath it. In this regard, Michael was judged a freak and a child molester – not once, but twice. It will be interesting to see if the families and their children that settled out of court with him will now come forward and provide the truth, or at least their side of what really

happened.

Based on his behavior toward young children, it is clinically representative that more than likely, he was not sexually abused as a young child. More likely, he was the recipient of parenting primarily motivated toward fame, money, and power as opposed to love and guidance. We have seen this countless times in the lives of famous child stars who rocket to fame with their parents as managers, only to bottom out because of emotional challenges later in their careers – often as short as three to four years later.

Eventually, such as in the case of Macauley Culkin, some of these child stars go so far as to divorce their parents in court to gain control over their lives. Such examples have far less to do with money in


BRYAN POST’S IDEA OF THE MONTH BIG

It’s easy to consider that his early fame

alone was stressful and traumatic enough to have caused him to become both socially and emotionally

stunted.

Bryan Post

Documents

PARENTING SOLUTIONS JOURNAL · 2015-01-29 · years, because not only was she taken from her siblings and them all split up when she was 8, she even lost her identity. For as long