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A presentation on two childhood development books: "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" and "Nurture Shock"
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Parent Education Book Discussion
April 1, 2011
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee By Dr. Wendy Mogel, Ph.D.
NurtureShock By Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman
About the authors…
Dr. Wendy Mogel is an internationally known author, clinical psychologist, parent educator, and keynote speaker for AMS and NAIS.
She is a graduate of Middlebury College and completed her post-doctoral fellowship in the Department of Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Her second book, The Blessing of a B Minus, is “a treasury of common sense” for parents of teenagers. -- Rabbi Harold Krushner Author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People
About the authors…
Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman’s New York magazine articles on the science of parenting won the magazine journalism award from the American Association for the Advancement of Science and a Clarion Award.
Bronson, father of two, has authored five books, including the New York Times bestseller, What Should Do With My Life?
Merryman’s journalism has appeared in the Washington Post & the National Catholic Reporter. She lives in Los Angeles, where she runs a church-based tutoring program for inner-city children.
Presentation Overview Part I
Teaching respect for adults Avoiding over-scheduling and over- indulgence Understanding your child’s temperament Guardianship against the erosion of family values Preservation of time and space in a harried world
Presentation Overview
Part II
TV’s negative effects on child development
The power of play
Sleep deprivation: how it affects intellectual/emotional well-being
Sibling relationships
This book is not a formula for foolproof parenting.
It is a lens, a way to look at the world, your life, and
your family.
The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
Happy Family
Mogel infuses contemporary child psychology with Judaism, using (3) guiding principles as a framework for the great task of parenting:
(1) Moderation��� (2) Celebration��� (3) Sanctification���
Celebration
��� ���
Be on guard for opportunities to celebrate the richness of our world, whatever form that may take: major and minor holidays, family rituals and traditions, and vacations.
Sanctification
��� ���
Sanctification is the process of acknowledging the holiness in our everyday actions and events; the way we treat our children, our spouses, and our household help.
A Blueprint for �Effective Parenting
Accept that your children are both unique and ordinary.
Teach them to honor their parents and respect others.
Teach them to be resilient, self-reliant, and courageous.
Teach them to be grateful for their blessings.
Teach them the value of work.
A Blueprint for �Effective Parenting
Teach them to approach their food with an attitude of moderation, celebration, & sanctification.
Teach them to accept rules and exercise self-control.
Teach them the preciousness of the present moment.
Teach them about God.
THE FRAGILE FAMILY According to Dr. Robert Evans, the American family has undergone profound changes in recent decades: marriage, family, and childrearing have suffered sharp and sustained declines. Among the sobering statistics:
Americans marry less and later, divorce sooner and more often, and are raising children in different configurations than they used to.
More than 40% of American children do not live with their biological fathers.
In the 1950s, 75% of school-aged children had a parent at home full-time; in 1970, 57% did, and today, less than 25% do.
Only 34% of American families eat dinner together on a regular basis. Family Matters, by Dr. Robert Evans
Childhood Innocence �versus �
Competence�
The landscape of childhood has
changed dramatically; ours is a work
-driven culture, fueled by the anxieties
of two-career families.
Childhood Innocence �versus �
Competence� In the 1950’s, childhood was a
time of innocence and exploration.
Today, we stress competence, not innocence.
We look for early evidence of aptitude and
skill in both academic and nonacademic areas.
Economic & Cultural Factors�Affecting How Children are Parented
A massive shift of time & energy toward the workplace, leaving less time for family life.
An exaggerated emphasis on self-fulfillment and personal freedom, causing adults to have a “me first” mentality.
A relentless work-and-spend mentality that keeps us wanting more no matter how much we have.
Family Matters, by Dr. Robert Evans
Parent Success vs. Career Success Evans points out that there is a sharp difference between the traits that breed success in the workplace and those vital to successful childrearing.
The more one cultivates the career qualities on the right, the harder it tends to be to shift modes at the end of the day or on the weekend, to express in a natural way the parent qualities on the left.
Parent Success Qualities Career Success Qualities
Stability Mobility Tolerance for Disorder Efficiency Spontaneity Planning Present Focus Future Focus Acceptance Drive Relationship Orientation Task & Product Orientation
Honoring Mother & Father���
Thoughtfulness
Dignity
Compassion
for those who brought us into
the world is a divine mandate.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Honoring Mother & Father���
Your children will only
accept your guidance
and heed your advice if
they respect you. hand outs
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Establish and enforce the core values that guide your children’s behavior.
Be as clear as possible about the “non-negotiables” and consistently emphasize them.
It is impossible for parents to set firm limits with children without causing periodic bad feelings and friction.
Children naturally feel disappointment and resentment at times; this is OK!
What’s Your Style?
According to Dr. Diana Baumrind, a research psychologist at Berkeley, most American mothers and fathers categorize themselves into three parenting styles:
(1) Authoritarian
(2) Permissive
(3) Authoritative
What’s Your Style?
Parents tend to be controlling of children’s behavior and their expression of feeling.
Authoritarian parents rank low on nurture and high on structure �and firmness.
Children may end up being very timid or very rebellious.
Authoritarian
What’s Your Style? Permissive
This parenting style is high on nurture and low on structure.
Permissive parents are focused on keeping their children happy.
Relationships between adults and children are almost peer-like.
“Your child doesn’t need two more tall friends.”
What’s Your Style?
Authoritative
Authoritative parents are nurturing but also firm.
They emphasize caring and responsibility; they want their children to be happy, but also hard-working and self-governing.
Maintaining a Balance Are we trying to do too much?
��� ���
Too many worthy activities?
Too many valuable things?
Too many interesting people?
Staying Balanced
��� ���
Take time to examine your choices.
What are the things that you most love to do? Are you doing them?
Which activities complicate your life; which truly enhance it?
BUSY ALL THE TIME �
British psychologist D.W. Winnicott posits that our incessant drive to keep busy is an unconscious reaction to our existential anxiety.
Without a schedule packed with activity and distraction, we may have to confront feelings of disappointment, frustration, helplessness, and fear.
Staying Balanced
��� ���
Is much of the structure that
we impose on our children’s
lives really intended to make
our own lives easier?
“DOWN” TIME: A LOST ART?
��� ���
Are our busy, well-entertained children at risk of not knowing how to amuse themselves? Have inventiveness and self-reliance been scheduled right out of them?
Time Well Spent
A sufficient amount of time --
freely given,
not frantically squeezed --
helps a child feel loved and cared for.
Time Well Spent
Once each day, at the very least, stop whatever it is you are doing,
get down to your child’s eye level and listen.
Find the most precious trait of your child and let him/her know
how much you cherish it.
AVOID OVER-SCHEDULING
What used to be children’s play time is now an overloaded schedule of activities ranging from sports, music/ dance lessons, to
tutoring.
Growing up overscheduled makes it hard for children to learn how to amuse themselves and how to fill time that isn’t externally organized.
Protecting the Province of�Childhood
LET SEVEN BE SEVEN!
Part of our job as parents is to enforce seven-year oldness in seven year olds – to demand it and to protect it.
If a seven year old has all the information, privileges, and responsibilities of a ten-year old, seven will be lost to him.
Avoiding OVER-INDULGENCE
We live in a consumer society that revolves around instant gratification. ���
We shop for recreation and buy things we really don’t need. ���
Avoid OVER-INDULGENCE
Children who get most of their desires satisfied right away never learn the value of their possessions. The sooner your child gets what he/she wants, the sooner he/she will use it up and move onto the next desire. ���
This makes your child more acquisitive and less appreciative.
TEACH CHILDREN THE VALUE OF WORK
Mogel recommends that children as young as age four and five have household chores including:
Putting toys/belongings away Making the bed Setting/ clearing the table Making a sandwich/ pouring a drink Loading/ unloading the dishwasher Folding towels Windexing the windows E’s chart
Accepting�Your Child’s Temperament
Your child’s temperament is a God-given
blueprint for his personality;
he couldn’t change it even if he wanted to.
Understanding Your Child’s � Temperament
In a landmark study of temperament, researchers Stella Chess & Alexander Thomas found a wide
range of normal variations in children’s natures. Consider your child’s: Emotional intensity
Persistence Flexibility Sensitivity
Energy Mood
Sociability
Accept Your Child’s �Temperament
Rather than accepting our children’s temperament, we have a tendency to
expect them to be like us, only better, smarter, and
more ambitious.
“Your child is not your opus.”
Accept Your Child’s �Temperament
One of the most precious gifts you can give
your child is to study her temperament,
and once you’ve learned it,
work to accept it.
Accept Your Child’s �Temperament
Think of your child’s worst trait: anything from a
little annoying habit to a big problem that has teachers deeply concerned.
Then reframe it— think of this trait as your child’s greatest
strength.
What are the good aspects of the trait? How might it benefit your child now
and in adulthood?
Accept Your Child’s Temperament�Try to see those irksome traits�
as the seeds of your child’s greatness!
Try thinking of:
your stubborn or whining child as persistent. your complaining child as discerning.
your overeating child as lusty. your argumentative child as forthright.
your loud child as exuberant. your shy child as cautious and modest.
your reckless child as daring and adventurous. your bossy child as authoritative.
your picky, nervous child as serious and detail-oriented.
You are a parent and role model, not a friend. Protect and honor the province of childhood. Insist on respect; for you, for others, for rules. Be fully present for your child; stop and listen. Avoid over-indulging your child. Let your children make their own mistakes. Give them responsibilities and household chores. Don’t give them everything they want. Relax and have FUN with your children!
In Summary…
Presentation Overview Part II
TV’s negative effects on child development
The power of play
Sleep deprivation: how it affects intellectual/emotional well-being
Sibling relationships
TV/Screen time: Less IS more! Most TV programs targeted to school-aged
children are nothing short of chaotic sensory bombardment,
both auditory and visual.
It’s no wonder children have become wired and incapable of self-control.
Quote p.41 Montessori Life
Taming TV Talk The youth in sitcoms often:
talk back to adults,
make incessant wisecracks, and
rarely converse with their parents
in a civilized way.
Negative Influence of the Media
Children and adolescents have access to large amounts of information not filtered by adults.
Technology’s emphasis on speed risks creating a loss of concentration and patience in children.
Negative Influence of the Media
The media’s negative impact, in terms of the
violence, sex, inappropriate language, and noise
it imposes on children, has been
confirmed in numerous studies, yet one half of
children over the age of five have a T.V. in their
room; by the sixth grade, three quarters do. Family Matters, by Dr. Robert Evans
Negative Influence of the Media
The media’s negative impact, in terms of the
violence, sex, inappropriate language, and noise
it imposes on children, has been
confirmed in numerous studies, yet one half of
children over the age of five have a T.V. in their
room; by the sixth grade, three quarters do. Family Matters, by Dr. Robert Evans
So How Much Media is Too Much?
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends the following guidelines for media exposure:
Children under age two should not have any media time.
Children ages three and up: 1-2 hours per day
CASE STUDY: IS AGGRESSION
LINKED TO TV VIEWING?
Dr. Douglas Gentile’s & Dr. Jamie Ostrov’s study:
Children, ages 2.5 – 5 years, who watched an average of 11 hrs. of media per/wk., were observed in their affluent Minnesota preschools for acts of: (1) physical aggression (2) relational aggression (3) verbal aggression
CASE STUDY: IS AGGRESSION
LINKED TO TV VIEWING?
The findings:
The more educational media the children watched, the more
relationally aggressive (bossy, controlling, manipulative) they were!
CASE STUDY: CONTENT OF
CHILDREN’S PROGRAMS
Under the guidance of Dr. Cynthia Scheibe, Ithaca undergrads watched and studied
470 half-hour popular children’s TV shows to record the frequency of insults, put-downs, and name-calling offered by
the characters.
CASE STUDY: CONTENT OF
CHILDREN’S PROGRAMS The findings:
96% of all children’s
programming includes verbal insults and put-downs,
averaging 7.7 per half hour episode!
“How do you sleep at night knowing you’re a complete failure?” from a SpongeBob SquarePants episode handout
LESS TV/SCREEN TIME MEANS…
more time for reading more time for art more time for music more time to play more time for each other!
THE POWER OF PLAY
When children play they:
test their developing ideas develop concepts & skills together do things they are interested in which increases motivation
learn from each other = “distributed cognition” (ideas shared across a network)
THE POWER OF PLAY
The motivated brain releases dopamine so it literally operates better, signals faster, so children learn more!
SLEEP: THE LOST HOUR Sleep scientists report that
an hour sleep loss in children not only impacts academic
performance and emotional well- being, but is also linked to deficits in executive functioning, to ADHD, and
obesity.
SIBLING RIVALRY
Observational studies show that siblings between the ages of three and seven clash 3.5 times per/hr., = ten minutes of every hour.
SIBLING RIVALRY Dr. Laurie Kramer debunks the theory that sibling resentment primarily stems from a loss of parental attention when the younger child is born.
SIBLING RIVALRY Kramer’s study reveals that one of the
best predictors of how well two siblings
get along is the quality of the older child’s
relationship with his best friend.
CONFLICT PREVENTION VS. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
According to Dr. Laurie Kramer, who
piloted the program, “More Fun with Sisters & Brothers”, children need to be explicitly taught the proactive skills of initiating play on terms both siblings can enjoy.
SO WHY DO SIBLINGS FIGHT SO MUCH?
“Sibship is a relationship in which the boundaries of social interaction can be pushed to the limit.
Rage and irritation need not be supressed, while politeness and toleration can be neglected.” --- Scottish researcher Dr. Samatha Punch
SIBLING RIVALRY “Siblings are prisoners, genetically
sentenced to live together, with no time off for good behavior.”
Dr. Samantha Punch