p e n i t e n c e

P E N I T E N C E

a l e x h a m p s h i r e 2015

My toilet is a Lotus Luxury Smart

Toilet Bidet Seat ATS-90. The special nozzles

provide gentle and thorough cleansing.

The heated seat has an adjustable temperature

providing maximum comfort, and the seat cover

comes down gently with virtually no noise.

Most condominiums are apt places

for true conceits as these

as far as home automation goes...but this scheduling only works

when integrated with a variety of devices

including Amazon’s Echo, Lutron, Nest,

Philips Hue, Qwikster, iMuffs, EEE PC,

EcoXGear, Ping & Cuil, and many others.

I offer support for a wide array of products already

on the market. So I keep my Wink Hub

plugged in despite its noted security flaws.

It is irritating how it haphazardly

sometimes turns my kitchen lights on.

The charger is a seven-by-ten foot light box

I keep in my second garage next to the wetsuits.

Instead of a garage door opener,

I’ve installed a number of sensors behind

the floodlights that monitor my terrace.

Well, I’ve been in the rarefied position

of having been able to test everything first,

of complaining to the back of the room

as everything fails to perform as advertised.

Once each domain has been activated,

I can make allotments for guests to arrive.

In concentric circles during discussion stages

quality is exemplified by diverse collective induction.

Emotional arousal exacerbates conflict-

laden groups, to release expectantly.

Now stress sets the stage.

A deviant opinion may sacrifice accuracy for reassurance.

We tend to revel in incompetence, truthfulness,

and pure enthusiasm—that we should be ignored

by members who get sidetracked, as predicted, while

Until the ecosystem gets its act together,

the very best ideas we have

appear to be a mediocre quest

attracting only early adopters.

To install the same crazy-expensive

and semi-permanent thermostats

used by tech firms

and the nineteenth century light switches

in the homes we just bought.

The hope is that my cautionary tale allows others to think,

seriously?

about spending $200 on a safety device for the home.

Most of us spend $200 on a bed. Well, my bed actually

cost me just under $8000 because you can access its reports

on the remote control, home computer, or though the app.

Now let’s get focused on understanding a proprietary platform.

One or two standards that consumers can’t decide on

which may last a single year & are supposed to last 10 to 15.

Ensuring simple access to all technologies

Consumers who have already invested in older systems

might be forced to buy new gear if they wanna upgrade.

A lack of standards, a disregard for usability,

the changing of the guard, a whisper in the wind—

it is complicated to install yet graceful at the same time.

When devices are primed for take-off

all at the same time, I want to scream

so I carry a four-ounce neoprene

Nulmage Dynagrip in my windbreaker.

It is buttressed in the inside pocket

between a zip drive containing personal information

and a small vial of Polonium 210—a highly radioactive

isotope that is lethal in only a few milligrams.

Once the Neoprene did leak onto

the nylon stitching, ruining the jacket.

I rectified the situation by complaining to North Face about

how they did not specify potentiality of Neoprene damage.

I was awarded a new windbreaker for my inconvenience,

but my strategy has not changed in twenty years.

It’s pretty simple. Nothing works together always. The software is glitchy when it comes to adding new devices—you can try to link themall together, but obviously that’s a liabilityand only works about 1/3 of the time.

Although no two groups will limit discussion,

you’ll start to search online only getting millions

of bad sites that cannot give you what you need.

This time you’re not going to get that.

We don’t have to like each other

if we like the same things.

I’ve spent $3,000 on ideas,

none of which have been implemented

in the last three years.

I have tested over 100 devices.

None of them work correctly. There are flaws.

Perishable, glowing, a taste

to make each catalyst perky

to avoid further infractions.

A few dear friends are in my home

as I say this, and here I am speaking to you.

My friends have no idea what is possible where they are standing.

Although lip balm borrowing is rampant at social gatherings

I have devised a lip balm home station in the third bathroom

where one can refresh oneself without the consternation

of forced and false intimacy with someone, or sharing germs.

‘Empire’ is a tricky word to define. While the term

is thrown around a lot, it’s often misused and misrepresents

the order by which we live, and how we are capable of greater control.

Erase a past so a future becomes immanent.

I have programmed my porch lights to come on

whenever my garage door opens after dark,

spent hours troubleshooting simple problems

and found new uses for old strategies

with simple things like video doorbells.

When I am showering,

for the optimum cleanliness,

I lather on Duke Cannon Supply

U.S. military-grade soap

with MicroFlex High risk surgical gloves.

I remove the gloves only while

adjusting water pressure or temperature.

My shower head is a Braun MX1000.

The stainless-steel inner chamber

can be activated by flushing the toilet,

or, as I prefer to do, turning on a faucet.

if they enjoy being referred to as ‘they,’ so much

just call us Old Faithful. Why isn’t my portrait above

the fireplace anymore? Maybe because it’s been

replaced by a 20x30 ft. hologram of my likeness.

The term immersive has lost it’s meaning

in order to see the hologram you’ll need to wear clear glasses

within the hologram you’ll see a mellifluous 88 million pixel screen

all visitors start crying when the kettle drum operatic moment happens.

The hologram becomes 450 feet tall.

I’ve de-mobbed the connecting signal

so the signal could connect to sixteen bodies,

I have turned this into an interactive game

where each person has a symbol that is projected.

The entire room is suddenly a wash of pink chrysanthemum petals.

There is an arched arbor pathway,

you’ll begin to see my image in that moment

hundreds of thousands of flower petals begin falling from the ceiling

onto the audience to create depth and layering, I will appear

to come out from the screen, people gasp, weep, and cheer.

They are having this reaction because

digital technology is changing non-profit.

The hologram becomes a classic cinema closeup of my face,

in that instant I will walk off the screen to tell you where to exit.

Visitors arrive through the area just inside the main door.

Turn on a group of lights all at once.

Maybe they won’t all turn on at once,

but one by one, they’ll become an agenda

making the act of lighting a room

the visual equivalent of popping popcorn.