Oxygen Participant Guide Session 5

Copyright © 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved. 53

Conflict is much like a fire: it can be contained or it can spread like wildfire. It has its benefits—and its dangers.

Conflict can be a good and necessary component of a healthy relationship. It can keep you sharp and bring about deeper communication. It can help you work positively through differences to find solutions and thus create more intimacy. But like fire, conflict out of control can destroy, wound, and change lives forever. And, it can destroy any marriage in an incredibly short period of time.

Unfortunately, many couples have let the fire of conflict consume their relationship. They have allowed patterns and conditions to become so incredibly volatile that “fires”—explosions, even—break out almost every time they try to communicate. Once the spark is lit, it quickly gets out of hand because of still-burning embers from previous “fires,” ongoing hurts, and daily stressors.

These embers become more and more heated as levels of anger and frustration rise. Rather than speaking calmly and respectfully, partners begin to accuse, criticize, or raise their voices. Instead of listening empathetically, partners interrupt, belittle, and ignore.

What happens physiologically in this scenario is that the “fight or flight” response is triggered as each person goes into a protection mode with little or no regard for the other. In this state of escalation, it’s not uncommon to say or do things we later regret. Moreover, it is nearly impossible to have a productive conversation leading to a mutually satisfying resolution.

5

5Session Five

Putting out Fires:Communicating through Conflict

Copyright © 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.54

Do you remember the advice you received as a child about what to do if you are ever in a fire? You likely learned three important words: STOP, DROP, and ROLL. The same advice works for conflict! Here’s how:

Stop, Drop, Roll: Learn to Take a Time-Out

A “time-out” is not just for kids. We all need one once in a while. A time-out from a heated, out-of-control conversation provides you with an opportunity to cool down, identify your feelings and needs, and begin to think productively again about how to approach the issues you and your spouse are facing. You simply need to:

1. RECOGNIZE

RECOGNIZE your need for a time-out. Is your heart beating fast? Do you feel like you are about to say something you may regret? Are you breathing rapidly? Are you afraid of your partner’s intensity? Do you feel like you are emotionally starting to get out of control or closed off?

• Learn to recognize the signs that things have become too intense for you to have a productive interaction with your partner.

• What physical and emotional reactions indicate you need a time-out? Are there other behaviors that ring true for you that are not listed here?

2. REQUEST A TIME-OUT

REQUEST A TIME-OUT. Call a time-out for yourself by saying something like, “I’m just too angry to talk right now; I need to take a time-out. Please give me an hour to calm down and gather my thoughts.”

• Remember to call the time-out for yourself. It is seldom helpful to tell the other person, “You need a time-out!” Suggest a time when you think you’ll be ready to resume.

3. RELAX AND CALM DOWN

RELAX AND CALM DOWN. Take some deep breaths. Go for a walk or run, or work out at the gym. Take a bath. Write in your journal. Read, pray, or watch television for a while.

• Do something that will help you relax and recover from the emotional intensity.• What relaxes you or helps you work out your frustrations? What method(s) could you use to

calm down?

4. REMEMBER WHAT’S IMPORTANT

REMEMBER WHAT’S IMPORTANT. Try to identify what you were thinking and feeling that became so difficult to discuss. Where was the emotion coming from?

• Use “I” statements to tell your partner what you were thinking or feeling, and what you need from him/her, (i.e., “I am feeling overwhelmed by our financial situation and need to take some time to process before talking about it.”)

• Try to spend some time considering your partner’s point of view and what he or she is feeling and trying to communicate.

• Remember the two of you are a team. The only way your relationship will “win” is if you work toward a solution that both individuals can feel good about.


Putting out Fires (or Avoiding Them Altogether)

To repeat what we mentioned earlier, effective communication skills are learned. Some people learn them in the home as they grow up. These individuals were encouraged and trained by their parents to identify their feelings and communicate them appropriately in the moment.

Some people learn negative communication skills that must be unlearned before they can start apply-ing productive ones. If this is the case for you, don’t be discouraged. Be humble and willing to admit that you may be stuck in some bad patterns and need to learn new ones. You can do it! You (and everyone around you, including your spouse) will be glad you did. And you’ll be establishing new, positive patterns in your own life, home, and marriage for your children to see, learn, and emulate. Setting a new pattern is within reach and possible.

You may be encountering a challenge of another kind if you never learned to identify and commun-icate your feelings at all. If this is your situation, learning to communicate, much like learning the

necessary skills to play a new sport, is important and crucial to your relation-ship. It might feel awkward and unnatural at first, but the more you practice, the more skilled you will be-come. Sometimes building your “feeling vocabulary” can significantly help in this process. You can use the Appendix entitled “Feel-ing Words” included in the back of this workbook as a guide (see page 107).

5. RESUME THE CONVERSATION

RESUME THE CONVERSATION. Bring in the skills of the Couplelogue you learned in the last chapter. These structured skills can help contain the intensity as you attempt to resolve a conflict. Honor your commitment to return to the issue when you are ready to have a more productive conversation. There is always a temptation to push conflict under the carpet but it is important to understand that if it is not dealt with or resolved, it will continue to be an issue in your rela-tionship. Resolution and a commitment to communicate through issues are important to bring healing and restoration to your relationship.

Honor your commitment to return to the issue when you are ready to have a more productive conversation.


So, let’s talk about negative communication patterns and behaviors. These may need to be unlearned before you can move forward in learning new ones. There are mistakes you may be making, possibly without even being aware of it—especially if they were common communication patterns in your family of origin. These are negative relational tactics that will sabotage communication and turn any spark into a flame—whether it is expressed externally or not. Learn to recognize these in yourself and commit to learning new (and more effective) ways to communicate.

For the sake of analogy, we’re going to say that every relationship has a “boiling point”—a relational place in which a conversation or issues escalate into overt conflict. In couples that have a secure relationship with effective communication, the boiling point would be extremely high. It takes a lot of heat to start the bubbling over. The occurrences of inflammatory fighting (resorting to either heavy-handed or passive-aggressive tactics as outlined on the next page) would be rare in a secure couple, if ever at all. In couples that are less secure and effective in their communication skills, the boiling point tends to start sooner, meaning that it doesn’t take much to ignite a nasty fight.

The Fuel Behind the Fire: Anger

Most marriages in crisis have a common element that fuels the fire behind conflict—anger. Neil Clark Warren, in his book, Make Anger Your Ally, explains that there are four basic reasons we become angry: 1) Fear 2) Frustration 3) Hurt 4) Injustice. So, in intimate relationships where couples have not learned to manage and com-municate through these four stressors, it’s no surprise that they deal with a great deal of anger in their relationship.

Setting a new pattern is within reach and possible.

boiling • pointnoun1: the temperature at which the vapor pressure of a liquid is equal to the pressure of the atmosphere on the liquid.2: the point beyond which one becomes angry, outraged, or agitated. 3: the point at which matters reach a crisis.


Common Conflict Igniters

Mine Heavy-Handed Tactics Yours__________ Bringing up more than one issue at a time ____________________ Contempt ____________________ Bullying (exploding, intimidating) ____________________ Criticizing ____________________ Lying ____________________ Humiliating __________

__________ Labeling ____________________ Mocking, mimicking ____________________ Mind-reading or “psychoanalyzing” your partner ____________________ Name calling ____________________ Ordering ____________________ Switching the subject ____________________ Counter accusations ____________________ Interrupting ____________________ Blaming (distracting) ____________________ Threatening ____________________ Taunting, ridiculing __________

__________Using “cold logic” to hide fromemotional reality (computing) __________

Passive-Aggressive Tactics__________ Complaining (whining) ____________________ Playing poor me (self-pity) ____________________ Playing the martyr ____________________ Playing the victim ____________________ Pretending your partner is being unreasonable ____________________ Stonewalling ____________________ Withholding ____________________ Denying ____________________ Disqualifying ____________________ Forgetting ____________________ Breaking promises ____________________ Playing confused ____________________ Exaggeration ____________________ Dragging your feet ____________________ Keeping score ____________________ Making excuses __________

fold here


The first thing we need to do to extinguish anger from our relationships is to learn where that anger is com-ing from. Anger in and of itself is not a primary emo-tion. Anger is a secondary emotion that we default to because we are unable or unwilling to deal with the primary emotion we are feeling. These are generally things like the four issues mentioned above (and more): fear, frustration, hurt, and injustice.

Example: Men tend to default to anger when they ex-perience emotions they are uncomfortable with or that they have trouble expressing. These can include things like fear, weakness, rejection, and inadequacy, among others. Women tend to experience anger when they sense a lack of security, feel misunder-stood, or believe they are not being heard.

Stepping out of the Passivity-Control Cycle

Another common igniter in many marriages is what we might call the passivity-control cycle.

Passivity in men is not just being a couch potato. A man can be physically and professionally active but personally and relationally passive. Passivity in a man is a failure to initiate, take action and/or responsibility, and provide leadership forhis wife and family. When a husband is passive, the naturalresponse in a wife is fear—which can often lead her to exertcontrol tactics to try and bring about change or create a sense of security and reassurance.

Most women who control are not necessarily always looking to “run the show” or “wear the pants,” specifically. Control is generally just a common manifestation of fear, because control provides a false sense of security and safety. It can also create a sense of empowerment and usefulness. “But I’m only trying to help …” is the common battle cry of a person functioning in control.

Conversely, men can often serve as the controllers and use their role as the head of the household to manipulate their spouses. Many times this can come out of a fear of facing their own in-securities, or out of a misplaced belief regarding their role as a father and husband. This can cause the wife to become passive and fearful in the relationship, and—too often—bitter.

Anger is asecondary emotion

that we default to becausewe are unable or unwilling

to deal with the primaryemotion we are feeling.


Consider the following list suggesting the primary emotional needs of men and women1:

Women need to receive: Men need to receive:

1. Caring 1. Trust2. Understanding 2. Acceptance3. Respect 3. Appreciation4. Devotion 4. Admiration5. Validation 5. Approval6. Reassurance 6. Encouragement

Because a woman’s primary emotional needs are to be cared for and understood, a wife may auto-matically attempt to give her husband a lot of care, understanding, and “help.” At times, however, this “help” can be taken as nagging or disrespect.

A wife who is being controlled by her husband may also feel helpless, misunderstood, and invalidated. This works directly against her emotional needs and can create a great deal of unhappiness in her and the relationship.

These unhealthy and misplaced behaviors in a rela-tionship—passivity and control—can wreak havoc on a relationship. This is where unhealthy behaviors begin to appear (i.e., passive-aggressive behavior, sarcasm, avoidance, withdrawal).

Take a moment here for self-reflection:

• Is it your tendency to “control” under the guise of “helping” or “nurturing” when you feel your own life is out of control or insecure?

• Is it your tendency to be “passive”—failing to initiate, take responsibility, or engage in necessary communication or to step back from the relationship due to fear?

• Can you see how passivity and control would lead to resentment and the “burning embers” of hidden anger?

• Can you identify ways you could step out of the control-passivity cycle in your relationship?

Control isgenerally just a common

manifestation of fear, because control provides a false sense of

security and safety.

Passivity in a man is a failure to initiate, take

action and/or responsibility, and provide leadership for his wife

and family.


Breakout: Identify Your Anger

In his book Make Anger Your Ally, Neil Clark Warren identifies four main ways that people commonly deal with anger. As you go through the list, rate them in order of #1-4 (with #1 being the technique you know you tend to choose most). Then, next to your rating, identify what you believe to be your spouse’s primary anger-expressing technique of choice.

Notice they are all negative responses. However, even though we are asking you to rate your spouse’s negative anger response, the purpose of this exercise is not to judge or criticize. Our objective is to identify similarities and differences in style. Make sure your primary focus and attention remains on your use of anger. We’ll give you some tools for positive responses later on.

1. Exploder: People who explode never have ulcers (but everyone around them does!) Exploders use their aggressive behavior (yelling, slamming things, physical altercations, etc.) to intimidate and control others.

Rating: Me __________ Spouse __________

2. Somatizer: This person pretends that everything is fine when it isn’t. They don’t look angry, but inside they are in knots. They have headaches, colitis, stomach problems, and unidentified illnesses.

Rating: Me __________ Spouse __________

3. Self-Punisher: This person has turned his/her anger inward on themselves. They are usually perfectionists, and because they aren’t “perfect” they become frustrated. Consequently, most of them struggle with depression, sadness, withdrawal, and self-blame.

Rating: Me __________ Spouse __________

4. Underhandler: This person pretends to be your friend, but in reality is coming in through the back door as your enemy. They don’t have many close friends and are gossips and backbiters. They also tend to be passive-aggressive. It is suggested that people who choose to express their anger in this method were not allowed to show any anger expression at home while growing up.

Rating: Me __________ Spouse __________

Clean up the Mess and Start Over

Whether it’s simple kitchen fire or a house fire—or even a full-blown raging forest fire—when the flames have been extinguished it’s time to clean up the mess, start over, and commit to never repeating whatever started the fire in the first place.

5

BrBreakout Exercise


You can do the same. You can start over. You can commit to not doing the things in your marriage that ignite fires in your relationship and family life. Look back at your list of igniters on page 57. Please do the following with your spouse:

Step 1: Fill out the chart on page 57 indicating which ingiter tactics you know you use, and which you believe your spouse uses.

Step 2: Fold the page under down the middle (toward the previous page) so you can only see the column labeled “YOURS” (i.e., your spouse’s igniter tactics).

Step 3: Now, each of you hand your workbook to your spouse to show him or her the igniter tactics you believe he or she uses during conflict.

Step 4: Put the workbooks side by side. Open up the folded pages so you can see where you each have admitted to igniter tactics in the “MINE” column. (You will also, at the same time, be able to see your spouse’s “YOURS” column and see where he/she has identified which igniter tactics you use during conflict.)

Step 5: What you are looking for at this point are matches. These will be igniter tactics that you admit are “MINE” and which your spouse believes are “YOURS,” as well. These are the more obvious inflammatory behaviors. If both you and your spouse believe you use these relational strategies, these are probably your PRIMARY igniter tactics.

Step 6: Now take a look at the tactics your spouse identified in you, but which you did not admit to. These may be less obvious, but they are just as real.

Step 7: Take a few minutes to compare your Igniter Tactics lists. Ask your partner for clarification if you don’t understand something on his or her list.

Step 8: Ask your partner to point out to you the next time you begin to use your igniter tactics.

Step 9: Finally, finish out this exercise by taking a few minutes to go down the entire list of igniter tactics that you or your spouse has identified as your own and say:

“I am sorry for…”

Reminder:

• It is important that you apologize for all of the ones with a check mark, even if you did not check them yourself.

• Do not be vague by saying, “I am sorry for all four igniter tactics.” Be specific and try to think of examples where you admit to specific inflammatory behaviors.

Example:“I am sorry for humiliating you in front of the kids during our last argument.”

• Each partner needs to share that he or she will begin to work on stopping this type of inflam-matory fighting.

• End the exercise with an expression of appreciation (hug, kiss, etc.).


The importance of this activity is to acknowledge that our spouse is not the problem. Perhaps one of the most significant issues in marital conflict and dissatisfaction is that we simply don’t recognize our own contributions to the problems. We justify, ignore, avoid, or distract ourselves from taking responsibility for our own actions and negative behaviors. To deal with conflict and the deeper issues, an action plan for your relationship is needed.

Maybe Smokey the Bear is the one who said it best:

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!

ACTION PLAN

10 Steps to Resolving Conflict

1. Schedule a specific place, date, and time for a couple meeting within the next week. Allow at least 30 minutes.

Place: ____________________________________________

Date: ___________________ Time:____________________

2. Select one important issue you would like to resolve. List the specific issue or problem for discussion below:

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

3. Each person should answer this question: “How do you, personally, contribute to this prob-lem?” Without blaming each other, list the things you each do that have not helped to resolve the problem, but have likely either prolonged or exacerbated it.

Husband’s Response:

1)_________________________________________________________________________

2)_________________________________________________________________________

Wife’s Response:

1)_________________________________________________________________________

2)_________________________________________________________________________

5

APAction Plan


4. Brainstorm – Pool your new ideas and try to come up with ten possible solutions to the problem. Do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point. Just write them down.

1) _________________________________________________________________________

2) _________________________________________________________________________

3) _________________________________________________________________________

4) ________________________________________________________________________

5) _________________________________________________________________________

6) ________________________________________________________________________

7) _________________________________________________________________________

8) _________________________________________________________________________

9) _________________________________________________________________________

10) ________________________________________________________________________

5. Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions. What are your reactions, feelings, and/or thoughts about the suggestions from Step 4? Talk about how useful and appropriate each suggestion might be for resolving your issues.

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

6. After you have expressed your reactions, feelings, and/or thoughts, select one solution that you both agree to try. Keep in mind the right solution can often be a combination of several ideas listed above.

Trial Solution

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________


7. Agree how you will each work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.

Husband: ___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

Wife: ______________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

8. Set a place, date, and time within the next week for another meeting to discuss your progress.

Meeting Place: _____________________________________________________

Date: __________________________ Time:______________________________

9. Celebrate your successes! Pay attention to each other as the week passes. If you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution, praise his/her effort.

Future Weekly Meetings

At your next weekly meeting, if you have not improved, go through steps 5-9 and try a different solution.

Healthy communication is possible for your relationship. As you have discovered in this chapter, recognizing the warning signs, taking a time out and identifying the boiling point in your rela-tionship are keys to be-gin dealing with conflict. Make a choice to get in touch with how conflict and anger affect you. Learning how to respond in times of conflict will help you overcome anger and destructive behav-iors to find resolution.

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Oxygen Participant Guide Session 5