OPel gazette - Gdekalb co.opgdekalb.com/wp-content/uploads/OPG-Dekalb-Feb-20-2019-min.pdf · tAKE oNE Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33,

February 20, 2019 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 13, Issue 18

“T“THEHE HHOTTESTOTTEST LLITTLEITTLE PPAAPERPER IINN TTOWNOWN!”!”

FREEtAKE oNE

Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected] or 815-501-0705

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referring to our daughter. "What now?" I asked. "He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and

wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He'sgoing to put the invitation into a candy basket."

The next morning a basket of candy was on ourporch.

"But, Mom," our daughter protested when sheheard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."

"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."

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Dear Neighbor:I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12years old. Allow me to explain...Every year, the months ofJanuary, February, & March can be slow for my business. Iemploy great people and want to keep them working duringthese long, slow months. That is why I’ve come up with aWin Win Situation for both of us.

Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners, like Amana, guess how many to build to meetthe demand. Of course, they’re never exactly right. So,they always have some inventory that they must hold overuntil the next summer season. I went to one of these companies and contracted for the purchase of twenty-twoDeluxe furnaces and air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used in DeKalb County. And, because of thequantity and time of year, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices.

They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT the seconds or “blems” or standard “builder” models. They arefactory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full10-year factory warranty.

How To Get A Furnace For PeanutsIf you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (butonly if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, ofcourse), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for instalation.

Perfect Fit For Your HomeI will come out and measure your home (and determinethe availability of the proper size). Don’t forget, I only have

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Why This Offer Can’t LastI only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of the airconditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given” away,that’s it. There are no more at this price. Call Bree now at(815)758-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.

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Day One of Psychiatry Class Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Ex-

tremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said.

"What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied. "The opposite of depression?" he asked another

student. "Elation," he replied. "The opposite of woe?" the professor asked a

young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be

giddyup."

Fitness I was walking to lunch with my friend Tristan and

discussing the need to start an exercise program. Amutual friend, Chris, joined us on the walk and afterlistening to Tristan and I talk about fitness, Chris said,"I'm exercising every day."

"You're exercising?" we asked. "Daily?" "Yeah!" he replied. "I swim after work on Mon-

days, Wednesdays and Fridays. And I run on Tuesdaysand Thursdays."

We stopped walking, and I asked Chris, "How longhave you been doing this?"

"Oh, I don't start until next week!" he replied.

Fore! My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my

brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes,"my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine pluseight?"

"Five." answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

40th Birthday On her 40th birthday a wife waltzed out of the bed-

room dressed in an old outfit that she dug out of theback of the closet.

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess thatmeans my wardrobe is ten years old," she said to herhusband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy her somenew clothes as a present.

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."

(He is expected to be discharged from the hospitalnext week but he will always walk with a limp).

Fishing A wife returning from a fishing trip with her hus-

band was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.

"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled intoo soon, and I caught more fish than he did."

Email [email protected] to get your DekalbCounty event included in our list at no cost!

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Page 4

Glass of Water A father stayed home one night to watch his son

while his wife went to a PTA meeting. Later in theevening he settled down to watch TV.

But his son repeatedly kept coming in and askingfor a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience andyelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Go to Bed."

"But Dad", the boy wined,"my room is still onfire!"

Golf Interview A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spec-

tacular, your name is synonymous with the game ofgolf. You really know your way around the course.What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

Grocery Bag It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the

customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for

her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crash-ing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to,"the clerk quipped to the customer. "That was supposedto happen in your driveway!"

Growing Up Mary and Joan were having lunch when Mary said

"My son is really growing up." Joan said "How do you know that?" Mary replied, "Instead of asking me where he came

from, now he refuses to tell me where he is going!"

Guest Speaker We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He

is from India, part of an organization that our churchsupports.

Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyonehad called any customer support numbers recently.

When several people in the congregation raisedtheir hands, he said, "That's good. That means youwon't have too much trouble understanding my ac-cent."

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2/23 Shakespeare Shenanigans - interactive improv show byNIU’s Double Duty Improve Troupe @ Dekalb Library11am-12pm. Free, no registration required.

2/23 Stand-up comedian Milt Abel @ Dekalb Library 2-3pmFree, no registration required.

2/23 Cher Tribute - Lisa Irions @ Sandwich Opera House7pm. www.sandwichoperahouse.org for ticket info.

2/23 Second City: It’s Not You, It’s Me tour. 7:30pm @Egyptian Theatre, Dekalb www.egyptiantheatre.org forticket info.

2/26 Best Director Film Series: The Hurt Locker 7pm @Egyptian Theatre, Dekalb www.egyptiantheatre.org forticket info.

3\1-2 DeKalb, Genoa, and Sycamore Vintage Shop HopEveryone is offering something special- sales, discounts, raf-fle prizes, and a friendly fun experience. Come see all thewonderful shops, new and old, and enjoy your day withfriends while shopping and dining in three unique smalltowns!Check out the DeKalb, Genoa & Sycamore Shop Hop2019 Facebook page for more info.

3\2 Genoa Home and Business Expo @ Genoa-KingstonHigh School - www.genoaareachamber.com for details.

3/3 Gaelic Storm - Live in Concert! 7pm @ Egyptian The-atre, Dekalb www.egyptiantheatre.org for ticket info.

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Page 5

Freedom Peppers A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He

says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" Hepronounces it "joe-la-pen-oh," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppersare called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is a free coun-try, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That may be, sir, but thoseare green peppers."

Frozen Turkeys A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at

the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough forher family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeysget any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Garden Walkway The plan: To build a garden walkway made up of

dozens of wooden squares. I decided I'd slice railroadties into two-inch-thick pieces for the sections. That'swhat I told the clerk at the lumberyard.

"Do you have a power saw?" he asked. "No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?" He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have one

question. How old do you want to be when you fin-ish?"

Geriatric Cat The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat

and after several battles my husband devised a way togive her the medication. It involved wrapping the catin a towel, trapping her between his knees, forcing hermouth open and the positioning the pill on the back ofher tongue. He was proud of his resourcefulness untilone hectic session when he lost control of both cat andthe medicine. The cat leaped out of his grasp, pausedto inspect the tablet, which had rolled across the floor,and then ate it.

Getting a Passport Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit Eng-

land, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Fed-eral Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passportclerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The seniorcitizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Doyou swear to defend the Constitution of the UnitedStates against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled asshe responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I havehelp, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

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Half-and-Half At the grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy

carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashierreplied, "One."

Hors D'oeuvre As two children watched their mothers prepare

party food, one of them asked the other, "What's anhors d'oeuvre?"

The second child replied, "I think it's part of a hamsandwich that's been cut into about seventy pieces."

Feeding the Animals At a small zoo, visitors often ignored the many

large signs that said, "Don't feed the animals!" The zookeeper did not want to impose fines so he

tried a different approach. He posted signs saying, "Feed the animals for only

twenty dollars!" and suddenly no one wanted to.

First Apartment Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate

years. He moved out only when he went to gradschool and got an apartment. The first time my hus-band and I went to see his new place, he greeted us,saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."

As we walked in the door, my husband whisperedto me, "Instead of the parasite."

First Aid After an accident, a woman stepped forward and

prepared to help the victim. She was asked to stepaside by a man who announced, "Step back please!I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few mo-ments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor,"she said, "I'm already here!"

Firehouse Training Session At a training session in the fire station, the team

was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of

fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smokecoming from the eaves, blackened out windows andlittle or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" heasked.

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Hooks "What did you do this weekend?" "I dropped some hooks into the water." "How was the fishing?" "I wasn't fishing; I was golfing."

Drive-Thru I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There

were no cars in sight, so I rolled right up to the paywindow.

"We're still serving breakfast. And you have toorder at the speaker," the clerk scolded.

I drove all the way around the building to thesquawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'msorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."

Driving Test I'm a driving examiner for the Department of

Motor Vehicles and while I was giving a road test toa young man, he went through a red light withoutstopping. I told him that he had automatically failedthe test. We met up with his mother back at the of-fice, and I explained what had happened.

At first she was speechless. Then she asked in-credulously, "He ran a red light?"

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Page 8

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Page 9

Eggplants A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25

cents each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't

be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four

eggplants. The tailor next door had been watchingthese antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't yougoing to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put upthat sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Falling Fossils Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the

elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties,I had to dust their many imported carvings and petri-fied collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossilslying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quicklypicked them up, and put them back on the shelf. Thenext week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor,her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyedthe bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in theworld do you keep getting your bones up there?"

Fast Bugs Heading down the interstate, our car passed

through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bod-ies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. "Ican't get over how loud they are," my wife said.

"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," Ipointed out.

Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugscan fly that fast!"

The Dollar Rachel asked her mother for a dollar to give to a lit-

tle old lady in the park. Kathy, impressed by her daughters's kindness, gave

her the dollar. "There you are Rachel," said Kathy."But, tell me, isn't the little old lady able to work anymore?"

"Oh she works!" was Rachel's reply, "She sellscandy!"

Day's Catch A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under

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Darn Cat A couple was going out for the evening. They'd

gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi ar-rives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wifegoes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs tochase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known thatthe house will be empty explains to the taxi driver,"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to mymother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab,"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing washiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coathanger to get her to come out!"

DC Cabs Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington

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"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are deadnow."

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Page 11

Dog Bowl A woman went to the counter to purchase a drink-

ing bowl for her dog. The clerk asked, "Would you like it inscribed 'For

The Dog'?" "It doesn't really matter," she replied. "My husband

doesn't drink water and the dog can't read."

Health Club Hours The first day at my new health club I asked the per-

son at the front desk, "I like to exercise after work.What are your hours?"

"Our club is open 24/7," was the helpful response,"Monday through Saturday."

Healthy Place? At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also

an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived

here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair onmy head. I didn't have the strength to walk across aroom and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have youbeen here?"

"I was born here."

Helmsman Training A young man, who wants to see the world, signs on

to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He mas-ters the classroom instruction, then starts his practicaltraining on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson,the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellowholds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way star-board is, the young man leaves the helm and walksover to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as thehelm swings freely. Then, rather gently consideringthe circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bringthe ship with you?"

The Horn One day, a man was driving with his four-year-old

daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' after-

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Page 13

High Cost of Free Outraged by the high charges that the computer

service wanted for repair work, one employee askedher co-worker which service she used.

"My sons," was the reply. "They both have degreesin Computer Science."

"So you get that kind of work done for nothing,"the friend marveled.

The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that itcost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my com-puter for free."

Hospital Forms In the admitting office of our hospital, some pa-

tients were filling out forms, others were being inter-viewed and still others were being escorted to theirrooms.

An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle.She had completed her admitting forms and, upon myrequest, handed me her insurance cards.

I typed the necessary information and then askedher the reason for her coming to the hospital.

"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had takenso long, I'm not sure I have time now."

Webster Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster

would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soonas he would start to say something, his wife wouldsay, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Hot DayIt was a really hot day at the office due to a mal-

function with the air conditioning system. There wereabout twenty people in close quarters and everyonewas sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle theirnoses at an odor passing through the air. It was themost hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said,"Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm notwearing any."

How to Train a Cat Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my

distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as ascratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassuredme. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently"trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched,my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him alesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years,whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched theback of the sofa.

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Page 14

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An Irish Toast A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend.

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"What's that mean?" "That is an authentic Irish toast." "Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinna-

mon." "Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" "That's French toast."

Job Perks A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the

benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her theyhad group health and life insurance, but the costs werededucted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health cover-age, as well as five years salary for life insurance anda month's sick leave AND they paid the full premi-ums."

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(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous storiesand jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any groupor individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange PeelGazette for products or services offered.)

Commonym Answers: 1. they have lobes2. crabs 3. swimming strokes 4. havetrunks 5. have claws 6. lines 7. detectors8. lights 9. doors 10. taxes


Page 15

Jury Duty As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selec-

tion process. First a computer randomly selects a fewhundred citizens from the entire county to report forjury duty on a particular day. Then another computerassigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen namesare pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge askedpotential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason hecould not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee wewould not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

Jury Questions When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury

duty, she had to submit to questioning by the oppos-ing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked theplaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," sheresponded.

"And how did that turn out?" "I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."

Knowledge and Wisdom The difference between Knowledge and Wisdom: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad.

Late to School The father said, "My son used to be late to school

every day. I fixed that when I bought him a used car!" "Now, he is there early every day, to get a parking

spot!"

Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

$666,000 Question...Which one of these men was NOT a U.S. vice-presi-dent during the Franklin D. Roosevelt Era, 1933-45?A) Alben Barkley B) Henry WallaceC) Harry Truman D) John Garner $667,000 Question...A man called Marshall served as Woodrow Wilson'svice-president from 1913 to 1921. Can you supplyhis first name?A) William B) GeorgeC) Thomas D) Charles$668,000 Question...Hubert Humphrey served as Lyndon Johnson's vice-president from 1965 to 1969. In which U.S. state wasHumphrey born in 1911?A) Minnesota B) North DakotaC) Wisconsin D) South Dakota$669,000 Question...In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first U.S. vice-president to resign from office. In 1973, which manbecame the second American vice-president to quit?A) Nelson Rockefeller B) Spiro AgnewC) George Romney D) John Volpe $670,000 Question...Richard Nixon was the U.S. vice-president duringthe Dwight Eisenhower Adminstration (1953-1961).In July 1959, Nixon engaged which world leader inthe famous "Kitchen Debate"? A) Fidel Castro B) Nikita KrushchevC) Ho Chi Minh D) Mao Zedong$671,000 Question...Which American vice-president (1981-1989) at onetime worked as the director of the C. I. A.?A) Walter Mondale B) George H.W. BushC) William Casey D) Stansfield Turner

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $666 - A; $667 - C; $668 - D; $669 - B; $670 - B; $671 - B.

THE VICE

PRESIDENTS

QUIZ!


Page 16

Junk Science A student won first prize at the local high school

science fair. He was attempting to show how con-ditioned we have become to alarmists practicingjunk science and spreading fear of everything inour environment. In his project he urged people tosign a petition demanding strict control or totalelimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide(DHMO)."

And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. sometimes called hydric acid, it is a major

component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion and to the "greenhouse

effect" 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills

thousands every year. 8. prolonged exposure to its solid form causes se-

vere tissue damage Despite the danger, DHMO is often used: 1. as an industrial solvent and coolant 2. in nuclear power plants 3. in the production of styrofoam 4. as a fire retardant 5. in many forms of animal research 6. in the distribution of pesticides 7. as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food

products He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of

the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6)were undecided, and only one (1) knew that thechemical was water. The title of his prize winningproject was, "How Gullible Are We?" He felt theconclusion was obvious.

Language Skills A friend of mine mentioned that she had an ap-

pointment with her son's Spanish-Immersionkindergarten teacher. I knew that regular parent-teacher meetings were not due for a while, andwhen I asked if there was a problem, she related aconversation she had, had with her son.

"Mom I can speak three languages now!" hesaid excitedly.

"Three?" she questioned. "Yes" he replied proudly. "English, Spanish and

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Documents

OPel gazette - Gdekalb co.opgdekalb.com/wp-content/uploads/OPG-Dekalb-Feb-20-2019-min.pdf · tAKE oNE Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33,