0088

NAT

ION

ALS

ECTIO

N

SEPTEMBER 2009 • MYSOCIALCITY.COM

DAVID WYGANTone on one withLiving life is easy. Finding someone to shareour lives with? Not so much.

Our social lives have generally become busy with friends, family, work,appointments, and everyday activities. Finding someone to enjoy ourlives with us seems to have taken a back seat. When we do get thatchance, though, it seems to get tougher and tougher. We stumble, wefall, and we make fools out of ourselves. What’s the solution to thisnever-ending issue?

by dave jewell

0099

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

NSOCIALFEATURE

SEPTEMBER 2009 •

We got in touch with world-famous Dating Expert DavidWygant to talk to him aboutthose first steps, where to meetpeople, and why dating is easierthan you think.

MySocialCity.com: Being a dating coach isn't exactly a common job. How did you getstarted?

David Wygant: I didn't even getstarted by trying to make it a job.It happened about 12 years ago.I was hanging out at the CoffeeBean and Tea Leaf in Brentwood,Calif. and most of my social lifeconsisted of meeting women outand about. On weekends, Iwould sit with a group of peopleand everybody would start fol-lowing me places, trying to learnabout the secrets of meetingwomen. It didn't become a jobuntil I realized that there were 20people-a-week that would comeand listen to my advice ... Beingan entrepreneur, I looked at anidea and realized I wanted to dosomething that resonated withme; something that was true towho I was. My whole life I'vealways been about meeting peo-

ple, socializing with them, and try-ing to stay out of the bars. I foundjust meeting people casually waseasy because you can have agreat conversation and not haveto worry about anything. Whenyou go to a bar you worry aboutwhat you look like or how youlook when you talk to somebody,the right kind of approach. Justall this came about just based onmy love of people and reallyhelping people.

MSC.com: How long have youbeen doing this?

DW: I've been doing this since1997 and full-time since 2000. Iwas playing with it for the firstthree years, trying to figure outwhat to do. You can't justbecome an expert in somethingovernight and people just aren'tgoing to hire you. Plus, peoplelike to be taught a system. Theylike to feel that they're beingtaught something. You have tocome up with concrete thingsthat end up being understood byeverybody. I started doing radioin '98, giving dating advice forabout three years and that'swhen I started really reaching out

MYSOCIALCITY.COM

SOCIALFEATURE

1100 • SEPTEMBER 2009 MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NAT

ION

ALS

ECTIO

N

to the masses and really hear-ing what they're all about. Inorder to become good atsomething, it's not just thatyou have to be able to teachit or you had to go throughthe lessons yourself. It's thatyou have to be able to breakit down so the average per-son can understand andactually make this work forthem.

MSC.com: What tends to bethe biggest issue guys have?

DW: Guys are all aboutapproaching. They’ve comeup with this new diseasecalled approach anxiety. Itseems like a lot of men justfeel that they can't approachwomen based on whatwomen are conveying tothem. Most men believe thatthere has to be somethingmagical they need to say.When I walk guys around andteach them how to observeeverything that's aroundthem, listen to the clues thatare around them, and reallytalk from their gut, they startrealizing that there's so much

more to say. In reality we'rejust curious children becausechildren will walk over and sayanything, but men will alwaysthink that they need to saysomething amazing to get awoman's attention. Whatthey haven't realized that it'sreally just about the voicetone, the way you walk over,the way you posture yourself,etc. Women just sit back andwait. They're still waiting forthe perfect guy to walk overand they could be 40 yearsold and he still hasn’t walkedover. What women do is justsit back and they becomethe passive waiters in life,when in reality they neverreally learned how to flirt or touse their body language toreally attract men. Withwomen, it's why hasn't hecome and approached andwith men it's how do Ibecome something I'm not.It's just about opening up yourenergy and become the mostpowerful person of you.

MSC.com: What have youfound to be the best place tomeet someone?

continued

1111SEPTEMBER 2009 •MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

N

DW: The best place to meet someoneis where you're most comfortable.What I tell everybody is pick out fiveplaces that you're most comfortablegoing to. For instance, my favouriteplaces are always meeting people atvideo stores, meeting somebody atwhole foods, meeting somebody at acoffee shop if they drink tea, or meet-ing somebody out and about while I'mshopping because these are things Ican talk about. These are things that Iknow. I tell men and women that thoseare things that you can talk about,things that you can observe, andthings you can make comments on.The problem that most people have isthey go to places that they're not com-fortable, so they always feel like theyhave nothing to say or they don't knowthe right thing to say. If you go to thesecomfort building places, you're anexpert there. When you're an expertyou never run out of conversationbecause you're at ease.

MSC.com: Without using names, tell meabout some success stories you've seenfrom your work.

DW: I get success stories every day.Recently, a client e-mailed me. Hecame from New York City to work for

1133SEPTEMBER 2009 •MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

NSOCIALFEATURE

me for two days. He’s a greatguy, 36-years-old, attractive, butnever really trusted himself insocial situations. He was awk-ward in his 20s. He’s had girl-friends on and off, but never real-ly met the type of woman hewas looking to meet. He cameand spent two days with me andafter he left he was able to talkto anybody. I got him to trusthimself. I don’t change personali-ties. I bring out your core person-ality. I also get you to really focusin on your own belief so you'reable to be proud of who youare. I had a woman one timethat, according to her, was gross-ly over-weight and I told her togo to Home Depot and Walmart,walk around, and take a look atwomen who are built just like sheis. Do they have rings on their fin-ger? Are they with men? Shecame back to me at the end ofthe day and said, David, there'sso many women that are builtjust like me that have weddingrings on their fingers, that havekids, and that have men by theirside. She said there must be menthat are attracted to this type ofwomen because I see thesewomen hooked up all day long. I

told her every man is attractedto something different. Go backto Home Depot and act like thedamsel in distress. See a manthat you're attracted to? Drop ahammer on the ground. She didthat and men are all about help-ing. She actually ended up mar-rying the guy six months later. It'sall about understanding that youhave a huge target of peoplethat are attracted to you. Noteverybody is looking for thesame person, so you have tostart believing in yourself andthat's the core to what I work onwith my clients.

MSC.com: How many peoplewould you say you've helpedover the years?

DW: I've helped a lot. Every day Iget 20-to-30 e-mails from peoplethanking me for helping them. Iget close to 12 people a monthcoming through the boot camps.We get private clients coming tous. I've worked with some highpowered business men in thisworld, people that I can't men-tion by name. Everybody hasissues. It doesn't matter if they'rea celebrity or if they're a high

1155MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

NSOCIALFEATURE

SEPTEMBER 2009 •

powered business man. It doesn'tmatter if they're the woman nextdoor. Everybody's got a fear of theopposite sex that could be due toyour social conditioning as a kid. Itcould be due to a relationship thatwent bad. When you're an adultthere are a lot of reasons behindthat. One of the biggest reasons isthat you feel like you play the wait-ing game because you feel likethings are going to change ...Have you repeated the same rela-tionships over and over again? Alot of times you haven't done thework on yourself, you haven'tembraced the lessons that youneeded to learn from past rela-tionships. Not only that, if you'renot meeting quality people , ifyou're not going out and meetingsomebody every single day, ifyou're not connecting to peopleevery single day, then it's time for achange. Life's never going tochange on its own. You need tomake the change. You need tolook in the mirror and be honestwith yourself. If you're honest withyourself, I can help you. It's thepeople that don't think they needit are the ones that actually needthis the most.

MSC.com: Online dating has a bitof a strange feel for many peopleinvolved with it. It’s been sociallyfrowned upon since it started.How do you overcome that withyour clients?

DW: Most people are on theInternet right now for one of thereason or another; whether it'swork, play, or getting the news.It's just another avenue that youcan go and put yourself on. It's agreat thing to practice flirtingbecause you can instant messagesomebody to learn how to reallyflirt and have fun in the moment.It's a great way to read about theopposite sex. Go on Match.comand you can read 100 profilesabout the opposite sex. You'regoing to learn a lot about them.Reality says putting yourself on theInternet means that you're beingvulnerable. Some people justdon't like the Internet because it'sreally hard for them becausethey're a face-to-face person. Ifyou're somebody that's a face-to-face person and you have notrouble meeting somebody, thenyou're really not looking at thisquestion anyway. If you're some-body that has a lot of trouble

1177MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

NSOCIALFEATURE

SEPTEMBER 2009 •

meeting people face-to-face,you're going to have some goodbuilding blocks here to give youdates and get you out there. Itmakes you feel more comfortable.It's also a great way to learnbecause you can't just go on onedate every three months. You'vegot to go out there and interactwith people. You've got to go outthere and go on dates so you're nolonger uptight when you have thatdate. The Internet really doesn'thave the social stigma anymore.Not like it used to have 10-yearsago. Your neighbour is on it. Yourboss is on it. Your friends are on it.It's alright to be on it. You've justgo to get over that you're on it.No one is going to ever walk downthe street, look at you, and say, OhMy God, you're joe3545 fromMatch.com. I saw your picture.You must be so desperate to be onthe Internet. If they see you on theInternet, it means they're on theInternet. It's like one of those pri-vate clubs. You go into a cluband everybody's there for thesame reason. It's no different thana golf club. People at a golf clubplay golf. People on the Internet,they date. It's kind of cool to go

there and see like-minded peopleat all times.

MSC.com: Where is your work tak-ing you globally? Have you beento the Windsor/Detroit area?

DW: I've actually been to theDetroit area. I've worked with acouple of clients in Detroit so Iknow what it's like to be single inDetroit. Detroit is like any othercity. It doesn't matter where it is.It's the same skills that are taught.I've been all over the world; I'vebeen in Asia, I've been in SouthAmerica, and I've been all overEurope. It doesn't make a differ-ence because people are thesame. Attraction is attraction. Itdoesn't matter what languageyou speak or what your culture is.Those are excuses. People will e-mail me all the time and say,David, it's ridiculous. I just can'tmeet anybody in theWindsor/Detroit area. Everybody isthis way. I tell them not everybodyis that way! It's just an excuse youmake. In Los Angeles, people sayeverybody's flaky so they can'tseem to find dates. In reality, noteveryone is a flake. It's just the

1199SEPTEMBER 2009 •MYSOCIALCITY.COM

SOCIALFEATUREN

ATION

ALSEC

TION

excuse ... The reason why peoplehave excuses is that it doesn'tforce them to go out there andmeet people. You can move meanywhere in this world, anywhere,and I'll go out there and meetpeople all day long because Iunderstand the dynamics ofhuman communication. I under-stand the art of attraction. I under-stand people and I also under-stand myself, and that's somethingthat a lot of people don't take thetime to do.

MSC.com: You've had dozens oftelevision, magazine, and newspa-per appearances since you start-ed. How have you kept ground-ed?

DW: That’s who I am - a groundedperson. If I get interviewed by a TVshow, it doesn't really mean any-thing except the fact that the TVshow really respects my work andthey want an expert to educatetheir audience. None of this reallygoes to my head. I don't have myown TV show ... I love being on aTV show but the fact is I'm still con-veying a message to people andthat's the whole thing. It's aboutconveying the message.

MSC.com: What's the biggest mis-conception about a first date?

DW: It's just a first date! Whocares? Go grab a glass of winewith somebody. Go get a cup oftea with somebody. Go for a walkin the park. Go bowling. Go havefun. Stop making it into somethingthat it's not. You don't know thisperson you're going out on a firstdate with. You might have metthem, talked to them for 10 min-utes on the phone, yet you're turn-ing it into something. You don'tneed to exchange resumes witheach other. You don't need to telleach other everything you wantout of a relationship. You just needto see if you're compatible. Youneed to see if you can have funtogether. You need to see if youcan connect as people. The restwill take care of itself as you get toknow each other. Too many peo-ple are evaluating first dates likethey're going to get married to theperson. They act like it's the end ofthe world if it doesn't work out. It’sjust a date, a chance to meetsomebody else, a chance to con-nect with somebody else. That’s it!It's the pressure that people put onthemselves. It's out of control. I'vehad people e-mail me and say

2211SEPTEMBER 2009 •MYSOCIALCITY.COM

NATIO

NA

LSECTIO

NSOCIALFEATURE

I've got this date Friday night. I'mso sick of dates. I really want thisperson to work out. I like this per-son so much. How do you likesomebody that you don't evenknow? You don't know this per-son yet. You're attracted to theperson. They intrigue you but youcan't like somebody until you getto know them. You've got to real-ly go through a lot of dates anda period of time with somebodyto really learn them and their insand their outs. Who knows, youmight be dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. You have no idea. The per-son might be a shape shifter. Youdon't know until you get to knowthem. A date is just that - anopportunity to get to know some-body.

MSC.com: What tips can youoffer someone who's trying to getthe attention of that specialsomeone?

DW: Here's the best tip I can offeryou on this - It's not a specialsomeone until you get to knowthem. It’s a stranger that you'reattracted to. If you're a man,you're basically looking at her likeyour penis is looking at her. You're

just physically attracted to herand that's it. She’s not a specialsomeone. If you're a woman,you're just physically attracted tothis person. You don't know ifthey're a special someone untilyou get to know them. Stopthinking that way. Stop puttingthe person in a fantasy box.That's all you're doing. It's just afantasy box. When you seesomeone that you're reallyattracted to, it's your mind hav-ing a fantasy about them. Youwant them to be that specialperson but yet you don't evenknow them. Just look at them asa person until you get to knowthem and you found out whoeach other is.

MySocialCity.com would like tothank David for taking the timeto talk to us. If you want to get intouch with him, visit his websitewww.davidwygant.com.