HBW book 2:

One Day His Name Just Didn’t Make Me Smile Anymore

xxkathyxx

PROLOGUE

Love is like a soap bubble...

Full of rainbow colors, but as soon as you touch it, it pops and you have nothing but some illusion to remember. Sure, I still love him. I especially love the way he makes me feel like no one can hold the candle

to the fire I have.

I'm that kind of girl. You might have remembered my friend Natalie describing me as a rockstar.

Music is my life. I'm the muse of music...

But it took just one prick of the only boy who made me sing like I've never sang before...whose smile can turn my dark days into a bright one in an instant...Love is indeed magical...yet magic is just an illusion...So

contradicting...

He broke my heart and it hurt a lot but know what?

One day his name just didn't make me smile anymore...

I'm Now, More Than Ever, Deeply In Trouble

They call me the rebellious rockstar b*tch vocalist of the band Muses of Music. Erika's the name and I believe that Love is just a game until I fell in love with someone.

So, here I am, with a word I never thought could apply to me: HEARTBROKEN. Isn’t it one of the best feelings ever? I want to share my story with you...I don’t know how to share my story but well, I will just think that I'm in TV and I'm being interviewed but if you don't want wanna hear my story because this is informal then get the hell outta here.

I want to greet my group (You know? Natalie, Penne and etc.) Natalie, the heartbroken girl...As if I'm not one. Maybe the most romantic girl. The very gorgeous and loud fashionista, Penne! What about Alana? Ze curly haired girl who has problems...with her mind. Totally unpredictable and Lora, the grandmotherly type mother. Lastly, the gum-popping disaster chef Marylou...proud NBSB. With my situation now, I truly envy her.

Know what? I think you should just hear the story. No need elaborating what happened this day, what I wore, what I said and all those stuffs. At the end, it's just the same right?

Right now, my band mates are asking me what happened to me...My band mates are annoying. But I love these girls. One is the drummer named Drammie. It's pronounced as Dar-mee. Stupid parents? Go on, don't be afraid to tell the truth and the other is the keyboard-ist! haha (the band is based on the movie THE BARBIE DIARIES) she's Kyebie...pronounced as Kay-bee. They are talented and cool. I just hold a guitar but I don't play. I think I have a pretty face and good enough voice.

Our band is not that famous but we are known in school and guess what? Cray is the brother of Kyebie...the one with the killer smile...he is also known as Yue (Yoo). Then? He's the one who offered to teach me how to Dougie, how to love and how to play the guitar. How romantic is that?

Should I reply with, “Nah...nothing Cray just broke my heart, that's all...” ?

But before that, here goes the brief summary of our relationSH*T:

When I first met him, the song About A Girl by The Academy Is came to my mind. For me, the song is about a boy liking someone but not wanting to admit it. The guy is clearly in love with the girl but trying to convince his self that he doesn't.

Is it wrong for me to assume that he likes me and like, plays the song every time I am around to say that despite denying to his friends like that jerk Leandro, he has feelings for me? No sadly, I'm wrong because it means that he had feelings for me but I didn't reciprocate and he's like, "I liked you but whatever, I'm over it."

That feeling? Yeah. Frustrating. Ugh. Is "ugh" an emotion? (Because I feel it all the time. Jussayin=)

Naturally, I looked for ways for him to like me again! He's not that ugly. He's cute. I think because I'm spoiled, I can have everything. At a young age, we are told we can become anything to our desire. Whether it be the ballerina, the doctor, the astronaut, or the veterinarian-not quite at the level of understanding the obstacles that it takes in order to achieve these supposed goals.

We change our minds once, twice, possibly even three times; still not having fully made a commitment, still developing and constantly discovering more about ourselves. It had seemed only then that you had admired that new toy, that is until the next toy came along. Thereby proving our continuum of obsessions that last only short periods of time.

It's not until a later age that we realize how unlikely the chances are of becoming that ballerina-feelings, likes, and dislikes change. Our desires come to be more profound to not only us but those around us.

Reality engulfs you, and now you find yourself taking interest in one thing that you would never have imagined years prior. You begin to think more realistically. Albeit the romanticizing the idea of fulfilling your childhood dreams are extraordinary, they simply exhibit the naivety and innocence of children previous to becoming immersed in "the real world." You start your dream as a fantasy, but you are bombarded with reality and the magic is lost. It's your choice to retain the magic though.

Okay, forgive me if I jump from one topic to another but what I said was right, right? Righty right? or Lefty left? Yeahyeah, whatevs. Thing is, I was successful. No major plans. Just the usual stuffs...Kyebie is our number 1 fan and I got him.

Now the more suitable soundtracks may be The Story Of Us or Thank You For The Broken Heart. You know that feeling where you're using headphones and the volume is in background level? Yeah, instant soundtrack to your life. There's a secret I wanna tell you,

there's really something so sad about the world that I can't seem to grasp. Lately, sleep never gets crossed off my to-do lists because it doesn't happen.

The grip of some sort of enlightenment I held felt like months ago when really it was minutes ago and it just slips away too fast for me to process. I now question so many aspects of my life, the choices I make, and the actions I took that I began to second guess myself - I planted doubt in myself. All because of the boy with killer smile whose mere name makes me smile.

Duh? With a name like Cray Yue and he's cute because he is Asian! (I'm a Filipina. Asians are cool!) His surname is La. As in Crayola! hahahahahahahaha Y u no laugh with me? :(

And as it goes, doubt is infectious and it will just grow. I'm now, more than ever, deeply in trouble.

I Would Get An A+ On Memorizing Song Lyrics

I used to think that everything messed up because of me. But come to think of it now, I don't even know why the thought even existed.

Just the positive me saying! Should I include my friends now? or I'm still amusing you? It's tiring. Pretending to be okay...It will never be okay!

Shut up Negative me!

Come to think of it, I'm crazier than my bipolar friend! Like, F*ck that shit.

Since I am included in the 'Rock Star Clique', I have to curse a lot, be cool, dress in outlandish outfit...etc. The people (especially Lora) are like, "It's not nice for a girl to curse!" and the Rockstar me's like, "Does it look like a give a f*ck?"

Yeah, F*ck. I. Was. Not. Expecting. To. See. Him. Last. Night.

Every molecule in my body was screaming his name, but I had to remain calm, and civil. Last night, after I thought I was completely over him...the feelings rushed in. I hate this. My band mates apologized. They know that this person will come and they did not tell me and that's why I gave them the cold treatment. It's not their fault.

And still, I miss him. The way my band mates kept saying that we would make a good couple because he was just the right height for me to rest my head comfortably against the hummingbird wings thrumming in his chest, and I was just the right height for him to bend easily and scoop up and spin around, if he ever feel like it. I thought, it would be nice. Wouldn't it?

This is just a part of the story of my life. When you think about it, it's amazing that every single person in the world has a story to tell. When I look at strangers on the street, I think about their past and wonder what it must have been like.

They were children once. They had a girlfriend, they had a boyfriend, they lost someone just like we did. They were once teenagers, with the same angst we feel, with all our insecurities and problems. They all have memories from when they were a toddler and they all have different names. At one point in their life, they must have ridden a tricycle or took a family trip out of state. They grew up learning that Pluto was a planet and that plastic wasn't harmful when you put it into the microwave.

It's odd to think that complete strangers, people who have never before touched your life, have background stories. It's even stranger to believe that they must have once felt like us: alone, desolate, and misunderstood.

I knew I could never be good enough...but for some reason, I tried any way. Yeah, last night, It's like, I hate the way he can push me to the limits with the things I do, and then he knows just the right time to say something sweet to make me fall for him all over again...

I know better. He still has some power over me but I just remember what he did to break my heart which he doesn't even know that I know to stop the spell.

"She hides it well, don't you think? Behind every smile with every blink, falls a tear so cold and hurt with every whisper, every look. No questions asked, why or how...they never cared. Then and now, she hides it well," I heard Marylou saying this about Natalie. How true and I think I can relate.

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do.

I thought I was over him but when I was singing a Mayday Parade song, I saw him and my voice cracked a little bit and I continued singing. I want to run to him and make him tell me that he was just joking...that he loves me...that he didn't mean what he said...

But I've learned that life is like an hour glass of sand. Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom, but all you have to do is be patient and wait for something to turn everything around.

I don't know if you've ever felt like you wanted to sleep for a thousand years... or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

In short, I wanna go back to believing in everything, and knowing nothing at all. But, how come I can remember every single hurtful word he said, but I can't remember the answers to a f*cking test?

Lol. Typical of me to try to make you laugh. I'm afraid that you will be bored. Please do read this. It's just short! But honestly, if we had a test on whether we could memorize song lyrics better than answers for a test, I would get an A+ on memorizing song lyrics.

Sometimes Things Simply Catch Up To UsI think he already suspected why I didn't bother to talk to him again and considering I

gave his sister the cold treatment and left after the set. My band mates know that I just don't want to see him because we had a lover's quarrel.

We did not have anything. I heard what he said. It was very clear. So clear that I can almost see it pointing at my chest. Words that are rarely said by anyone. I  mean, anyone you thought that loved you, I guess. It can happen to anyone. It's like cancer. It happens and you should accept it. It happens to the people you see in the television, in the street, the hospitals but it will not touch you. You're invincible. Or so you thought...I never thought that it could happen to me.

"I had nothing to do, she was interested in me so I grabbed the opportunity," Cray said to Leandro. "It was fun while it lasted but I will break up with her as soon as possible."

The exact words. If I close my eyes, I could still hear it ringing in my ears. Before he can break up with me, I texted him. I told him to never talk to me again. For a while, he didn't and my band mates kept badgering me. I told them it was a lover's quarrel so they did something to help. The hell it did. He showed up that night at the pool party where we were performing and after I left, he texted me:

What's the problem love? Your time of the month? Remember that I will always love you. No matter what. I understand that you need some space. I hope we can talk again soon and I have a new acoustic song I want to teach you...It's Never Change by Dear Juliet.

I hate getting the message from him, it's like he knows the perfect sh*t to say. F*cks up my whole day, I thought that all these feelings went away! Oh well, they said that getting back to an ex is like buying a ticket to a movie you've already seen.

Agree?

I know I should move on. Hello? I mean, no, It's not him who said that the perfect song for me is Break Your Little Heart In Two by All Time Low (sarcastic)...I hate him! I hate his friends. 

Just like that. What about his serenade, "Only One" by Yellowcard? He doesn't even know that I know about that remark. I cried a little and my defenses somewhat crumbled down that night but I can't pretend that I didn't hear what he said. I know I'm not the type who will be very clingy and beg him to not break up with me. I want to. Oh God, how much I wanted to kneel in front of him and I will not pay attention on the 'why's'. It's not important but that's not me.

I should just move on and talk to him when the right time comes. Natalie did it and she loved Leandro with all of her heart. Wasn't it me who told her that, "The heart has no pain receptors! So when someone breaks your heart, move on. Your pain is just an illusion, a temporary psychological disturbance that you have to overcome. In short, it's all in the mind."

Three days. Those were the happiest days of my life, sad to say. Kyebie told me that she and Drammie are sorry for everything and I don't know if I will tell them the whole story. I'm the weird one here...I just decided to be cold without a reason. Did he love me? Maybe. Hope so. Useless questions.

MOVE ON! Do you have any idea how hard it is to f*cking move on? Everytime I take a step forward, I move backward.

Maybe, I'm scared to move on because I'm worried that the second I'm happy with someone else, he'll pop up and ruin it. Ruin it by telling me that he needs me, and that he's sorry and that he loves me "kinda a lot" and that he misses me "kinda a lot".

I'm worried that I'll get so confused because I'll be so happy without him, but of course I'll still want him, and that will make me start crying all the time, end up losing the best relationship I ever had, just to have him get bored again and 'dump me because it was just nothing anyway'.

I'm the coolest girl! I have the perfect life. Perfect friends, family...many boys didn't have the courage to tell me that they like me because I'm too perfect for them.

Lora said, “Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality.”

I played with the idea of being an 'easy' girl but Cray came along with his funny name that makes me smile anywhere. Stupid, huh? I mean, he was brave enough, you know? I made the first move because he was so shy and it was so obvious that he likes me and he became a 'secret admirer'...sweet isn't it?  Now, I'm getting serious again. Where's the cheerful Rockstar me?

Well, guess what? His text: "Why are you not replying to my messages? Love, what did I do? I'm so confused. I'm Sorry...does this have something to do with what I uh said to Drew? I didn't mean that...I was just joking...I'm very very sorry...I'll explain."

Wow? Did he really think that I'll go running to his arms and accept him begging for forgiveness? Actually, he's right but another part of me is like, "He can tell me a hundred times that he's sorry, and a thousand more that it won’t happen again, he knows I love him more than anyone in this world, but all these lies? I’m sorry, I can’t deal with that."

Now he's just "Somebody that I used to Know" Ryt Gotye?

The question is, "Am I moving on?"

Maybe. With the help of my friends. I'm sorry if I don't include them because I'm more of the outside-smiling-inside-dying girl. They will know me as the happiest girl who has no problem. 

I didn't have the chance to flaunt the relationship, I mean, three days? What the heck? They just know that Cray-Cray and I are in a mutual understanding. I refuse to get

mushy and talk about him with lovesick eyes the way Natalie always do because actually, he's my first love, hahaha. 

I hate to say this but yes, I'm a deep thinker. Very emotional but I don't always show it. Carefree, huh?

He's the only person that ever made me feel anything, really feel. Even if it wasn’t always the best feelings, he's the only one who could make me smile or tear me down in three seconds flat. He's the only person that can drive me crazy, in both good and bad ways.

He's the only person that ever made me feel like I didn’t have to try so hard. And I don't know if he's not okay without me, I just wish he will not know that I still love him, and if he knows, I wish he would do something with that knowledge.

He did ask for forgiveness but for all I know, it's just one of his friends. Do you know how hard it is to move on? Despite all of the things I said or saw, I never thought I would be in this situation.

Until it came to the point where I told my band mates that we will have a short 'break'...they understand and said that I could come back whenever I am ready. 

I mean, If he left without a reason, I hope he will not come back with an excuse. I'll show him how 'cold' I am. 

If you don't understand me, you should be happy because only few people will understand what I'm feeling now. You're very lucky and you did not experience a heartbreak...yet?

Yeahyeah whatever, Feelings never do make sense. They get you all confused. Then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started.

Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. In short, sometimes things simply catch up to us. 

I Swear To God, Someone Else Will.

Shit happens, people change, and things fall apart but at the end of the day, the earth is still spinning. Life is going to keep on going, and time stops for no one with a broken heart. Why should I waste my time on him when he's clearly OVER me like those three days are just a memory?

I did not bother replying. He stopped trying. Kyebie told me that Cray told them about what he said. She will understand him. Blood is thicker than water. She will never take in consideration the emotions I felt. I like her but Cray? Forget it. I still love him. That's the truth but enough is enough. Since I can't get help from them, I decided to run to my six lovely friends but I left some things out.

A lot of things happened. Poor Natalie. And now it's my turn :(

Penne has a problem maybe, she was like, "Boys really don't understand how long something they say stays in a girls head." and I agree. Anything bad he ever says about me affects me deeply and I tend to overanalyze everything.

I started crying for no reason but I know that I can never be like Nat, I can't share my innermost feelings. Alana started crying with me and then she was smiling and was like, "Don't cry, he's not worth it. Just smile and say 'F*ck you'."

Marylou laughed. She's the first person I thought of sharing my problems with but the last one I will run to. She knows everything even if you just reveal something.

Lora, "Sarah Dessen said, because he's a guy, and guy's don't get attached. Guys don't ever give themselves over completely, and guys lie. That's why they should be handled with great trepidation, not trusted, and held at arm's length whenever possible."

I laughed and said, "Lol. It's nothing. I'm over him." I don't know if they believed me but they accepted and searched for other topics and we really had fun and for the moment I forgot my sadness. Been a week since I heard from him.

You're Gonna Go Far Kid, The Offspring---my ringtone. I turned off my phone. Forgive me if my playlist is a little...weird. I'm a vocalist and we cover songs and make them acoustic but occasionally, if Cray is there, we make it like 'rock'. My favorite rock version is "Umbrella" by All Time Low and New Found Glory & Vanilla Sky covers.

How about Your Love by I See Stars and lastly, Streetlight Contagious by Mozart Season?

"This is what happened," I started telling them a modified version of my heartbreak story. "I heard about that remark and called my bandmates...I told them about the 'break' and the lover's quarrel...Kyebie was sympathetic but she said something else...”

Yeah, I admit I forgot that I promised last year to our biggest fan that we will be like the band at her pool party but thankfully, it will be the next day. I know I will not see him but I wonder what he will say about the sudden coldness I let him see.

I mean, no one of his guy friends ever told him to never lie to a girl? Like, "Bro, trust me - if she finds out, you're f*cked."

Being an asshole to a girl, doesn't make you look cool.

But, there's still a part of me that is like, "Maybe he loved or still love me. Maybe he doesn't. Either he will or he won't. Maybe he just needs some time alone. I will try to understand everything has its plan. Either way, I’m gonna stay right for him. Maybe the sun will shine today. The clouds will roll away. Maybe I won’t be so afraid. I will understand everything has its plan, either way."

I promised myself that I will not cry. I was doing well but sometimes it hurts. It hurts so much that you feel like your chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air you take in between the tears.

Yeah because out of 6, 972, 848, 504 people, I would choose him. Every. Single. Time.

Before, when I still reject him, he was like, "I'm sure that you are the one. The one I'm gonna marry and mind you, I will marry you, even if I will have to drag you down the f*cking aisle with you kicking and screaming. I will marry you."

Yeah. I mean, there's a chance that he loved me right? He was always jealous until it came to a point that it was very irritating but uberly flattering. 

Drammie, the love expert answered that question long ago, "Guys complain that girls get jealous everytime. Want to know why? It's because we care. Cause we give a damn. Cause we give a flying f*ck.

Because if we didn't, we wouldn't get jealous. We wouldn't care what they're doing, where they're going, or who they're with. They say we get jealous, when we see them with other girls or ex-girlfriends. Well obviously. They would too, if we hung out with every single guy, or go out with our ex-boyfriends. But we don't. That’s the reason why they don't get jealous. And also because, we think about what they would feel before doing stupid ass things like that."

Well said. I think I should lay low with the music thing. Next time I'll include them. I'm still one of the Muses of Music but this time, I still do not feel like it.

That night, at the party, he was all over me. Treating me like how I like to be treated but what if it's a part of the 'bet' thing again?

After getting me, those three days, I was not his girlfriend, I was his slave. I think that just because he gets the girl, doesn't mean he can stop trying. After all of his efforts at serenading me, I thought that it was my chance to repay him.

BOYS, you should take note:

You still have to try, put in the effort to keep the girl. Doesn't mean just you get the girl, you can stop putting in the effort.

It doesn't mean just cause you get the girl, you've crossed some kind of finish line that states that she will never get tired of you not giving a flying f*ck, and that she will not leave.

Trust me, she will. Treat her right, put in the effort to keep her, be there for her, love her genuinely. Or by all means, I swear to God, someone else will.

I'm Sorry I Need You So MuchKnow what I really want?

I want someone I can go to. Someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone who won't judge me for the mistakes I've made and for the mistakes I will continue to make. I want someone who understands.

I want someone who hears, not just listens. I want someone who says good night to me, and prays to God they get the chance to say good morning. I want someone who knows my quirks. I want someone who wipes my tears away. I want someone who needs me. I want someone who loves me.

Yeah, he was all that. It was perfect. Too good to be true even. I should have known.

But, I'm not going to stress over him anymore. It isn’t worth it. I'm not trying to say I don't want him back, because I definitely still do. All I'm saying is I'm done.

Truth is, I'm giving up on hope. Giving up on this. Giving up on happiness. Giving up my strength. Giving up on LOVE.  

Giving up on pain. Giving up on my beliefs. Giving up my childhood. Giving up on my family. Giving up on my friends. Giving up on feeling safe.

Giving up smiling. Giving up laughing. Giving up on b**ching. Giving up on believing that something will change. Giving up on him. Giving up on myself.    

I continued like nothing was wrong with my life. I am 50% moved on and finally, I started having interest with the band again. Many people hired us because they liked our performance in the fan's party. Part of it was because of him. Cray with his funny name...

I wanted to show him that he is nothing to me.

So yeah, the fans are like,

"You're so lucky! you have everything!"

"I hate my life, It sucks...I want to trade with you."

"Me, too!"

I know their intentions are nice but all I want to do that moment was to yell, "You want to trade lives? Have you even lived in a life that actually really do sucks? Have you ever felt like you don't even want to live? Like you don't want to wake up tomorrow? Like there's no hope? Like you give up? Like you're done? You want a life that sucks? Take mine. Cause you don't have a single idea what a 'life that sucks' is."

Because of my first love, my life sucks! It made me promise to myself that I will be a better person and treat it as a lesson. I'll always be there for anyone who needs me, I'll always be a helping hand or listening ear.

Because I know what it's like to believe that no one cares. I know what it's like to feel alone, suffocated in my own thoughts. I know how just one person can change someone's life. I'm here for anyone that needs me, just to prove that compassion still exists.

I used to not think of myself. Even that time when Natalie was heartbroken, I was just saying things I didn't mean even though what I really wanted to say was, "I don't care about your f*cking, boring love life."

But I love her but you know that thing where you just don't care about their problems?

That's why I want to say sorry to everyone.

To anyone who will listen, I want to say I'm sorry!

To my parents, to my friends, my band mates, my classmates, the people around me and even though I'm still angry at him (Cray), I still want to say sorry ...

I know, all the people are sorry in their own ways. Don't be afraid to say these things because you're not alone but know what? We should be proud of ourselves.

I'm sorry I am not that beautiful.I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.I'm sorry I told you everything.I'm sorry I lied.

I'm sorry I told the truth and you didn't want to hear it, but you did.I'm sorry I wished I wasn't alive.I'm sorry I took you for granted.                                                                                                 I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I wanted to from the start.

I'm sorry I still keep things from you.I'm sorry I don't let people in easily.I'm sorry I tell you what you don't want to hear even though you need to.I'm sorry I sometimes make no sense.

I'm sorry I sometimes don't listen to you.I'm sorry I was too late.I'm sorry I stayed even though you told me thousands of times to go.I'm sorry I pushed you away.

I'm sorry I still wait for an answer.I'm sorry I remember.I'm sorry I didn't know what to say at the time.I'm sorry I don't know every answer to all your questions.

I'm sorry I didn't fix anything even though you counted on me to.I'm sorry I overcomplicate and overthink important things.I'm sorry I don't hear you when you call out to me.I'm sorry I am not nearly as perfect as you.

I'm sorry I walked away.I'm sorry I am not fine just cause you wished I was.I'm sorry I hid because I was scared.I'm sorry I only made things worse.

I'm sorry I bothered you.I'm sorry I thought you cared about me.I'm sorry I didn't give you anything to look forward to.I'm sorry I am not fascinating or interesting or wonderful.

I'm sorry I am so annoying.I'm sorry I'm so in love with you.

I'm sorry I want you tell me all your secrets.I'm sorry I need you so much.

Comfort Is Boring, New Is ExcitingPeople constantly tell me how strong I am. And how good it must be to be able to

have such a strong character, and be able to be anyone's wonder wall, and not asking anything back. I want to ask them, "Do you honestly think I'm strong? You really think I'm that strong to be there for everyone when they need to vent and rant and when I need someone to be there for me, they all leave?"

To be quite frank, the only reason why I haven't broken down in front of them or majority of the people is because I don't want anyone to think badly of me. I don't want anyone to see me as weak. I mean, we're all afraid to show our scars and imperfections because we're afraid that people will think of us as weak.

We show them only to the people that we trust so that only they'll know exactly how messed up we actually are. But why? Wouldn't it be easier to swallow our pride and let the world know that no one is actually as okay as they seem? 

We're all a bunch of actors, with the world as our stage. Our props are plastic smiles and paper hearts worn proudly on our sleeves.

Yeah but whatever, I know that thinking about him, day in and day out, will not do me any good. Eventually, I have to the reach the point of really wanting to “let go” and move on. How long will I hurt before I put an end to my “wishful” thinking and start looking ahead in life?

Because every breath I take proves that I can live without him.

I know the most difficult thing in this world is to accept that we are no more on the same page. But I have to know that the 'relationship' I once carried on my shoulders is over. For good, for bad, I don’t know but letting go of a past relationship is the best thing I can do for myself and my heart.

I mean if your partner doesn’t want the same things, doesn’t love you anymore, or the worst, never loved you at all, what is left to do? You have let go of it, even if the relationship meant the world to you, it’s something you need to deal with. It won’t be easy but with it will come the ability to move on in life, to better your world, and to fall in love again with someone else, with someone better.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, and you're there for them no matter what. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won't even fight for you. The one thing you would never have done, they did with no hesitation.

Cray and I talked and I told him that we are over, he admitted that despite all that, it was even a bet at the first place...he actually did learn how to love me. He promised that he will change and he said that he will do everything to try to get me back.

I’m not going to be that rebound girl, the girl he just come to when he wants her, the girl who loves him with everything she has but yet he gives nothing. I'm not willing to be that girl anymore. 

CHANGE? Change what? His shirts? His socks? Because the only thing that changes about him from day to day are his outfits. He's the same horrible person today as he was yesterday and he couldn't even love me if he tried.

"So he better take his ‘I'm sorry’ and give it to a girl who will buy into his half hearted apology, because I'm definitely not what he's looking for," I was telling my friends and they agreed and shared their opinions.

"Okay, first of all remember there's always someone better...ALWAYS, unless you've found the one. There's someone out there that is TOTALLY perfect in your eyes, and you in his," Penne said with heart on her eyes...

"Love is seeing someone totally perfect in a perfect way. If you and a guy were truly meant to be, the words, ‘He will change if she truly loves me’ or ‘I'll change so that he/she will love me’ will NEVER, I repeat NEVER, will be thought of or even spoken of," Natalie shared.

Lora cleared her throat. I braced myself for long explanations. She was always like that. Willing to talk whenever needed. Sometimes nonsense, sometimes meaningful, "You can't really get over a guy who you keep going back to unless you really want to it can be so hard and seem like the most impossible thing that can be done but that is not true if he doesn't want you then he is stupid and doesn't realize how much you are worth because you are beautiful and you have a sparkling personality and if he can't see that then he is a fool but then again don't just blame him for not wanting you there may be so many reasons and even if it is hard to accept you could be the reason."

Yeah. They don't know that it was a bet/he didn't love me (even though he said he did)...They assumed that...well, I don't know what they assumed but pride prevented me from telling them.

"First, you have to learn to love yourself and when you have done this then you can love someone else and if it doesn't work out don't just blame him or yourself think about what you did wrong and make sure you never make those same mistakes again and don't think he's the one because there are so many guys out there and the perfect one for you is out there so don't just drown in your own sorrows...have fun with your friends, talk about it... let it out it. There is nothing wrong with that, you are worth so much and this guy cannot see that so why want him?" Alana said but like recited. Duh? She Google searched: How to Get Over...blah blah.

"Forget him, it may be hard but give it time...it really helps and just get out there and enjoy. You only live your life once so don't let one guy take that fun away from you because frankly, he doesn't deserve you! Listening to love songs never helps, listen to girl power songs like Irreplaceable and feel more better!" Marylou snatched the Ipod and continued reading.

To the left, to the left...

I shared a piece of my mind. They were so shocked to hear that from the rock star carefree girl.

"We always want what we can't have, why is this? We will go to extreme lengths to make the one guy that we want to notice us and hopefully he will say, “Wow I really do want to be with her.”

We change our hair, bodies, and personality just to be everything that he wants. But what does this all accomplish? Nothing, we have to face the fact that he isn't coming back to us we messed it up royally and there's nothing we can do about it except to move on and learn from our mistakes.

Why do we fall down? So that we can pick our selves back up. We also have to face that it's not the guy's fault that he doesn't want us. We have to look back on the past and not remember the good times or the bad, but remember all the times we were complete nasty to the guy.

Not that we are supposed to blame the whole thing on ourselves since that is not healthy, we have to realize it's partly our fault too. Everything that goes wrong in a relationship has an explanation. Do we really want the guy that left us that badly? 

There's always going to be a history, there will always be a fight over that history, there will always be tears about the same old stuff. Even if the guy did want us back extremely badly who will really go back to him. You'll get bored without the drama. I mean, I hefta open my eyes and realize there is a perfect guy out there just waiting to start a new relationship with me. Comfort is boring, new is exciting."

Even When They Shouldn'tI'm just sad because I really liked him, more than I have liked anyone in a long time.

That day, I got slapped in the face with the reality that I can never call him mine and all those moments that we shared aren't a very big deal to him.

I thought that it was really...shit. Yeah, the tears do fall down but I'm kinda over him. My feelings are very complicated.

It's like, I'm happy but I'm sad. I want to die, but I don't. I love him, but I hate him. I'm tired, but I'm not. I'm fine, but not really. I can't talk to him, but I can't not talk to him.

Frustrating much. Well, that was a long time ago. I will really miss the Cray I thought I had for three days. You might be thinking, "When he looks at you, I can bet you that he doesn’t feel a thing.”

But do any of us really know that? He could be looking at me and wishing he didn’t mess things up. He could still care about me, and he just doesn’t want to believe it. Maybe he is really the one who would want me in his life, maybe not as much, but it’s better than nothing at all, right?

Can you see how much I've changed? Before, I was really annoying but now, like, there's a change right?

I thank him for it.

And sometimes, we can fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons, and still love them after all the hurt, because sometimes, and most times, we can't pick who we love.

And even though we know we shouldn't love them, we do and always will, because there are just a small number of people in this world who will ‘get’ us for reason we can't explain, even when they shouldn't.

The EndIt's that feeling of nostalgia. It's the feeling that follows; that bottomless desperation

of never getting it back, never being the same. That feeling of memories slowly slipping away, faces slipping away, names slipping away. It's those moments in life you take for

granted that count, the ones that fall away too quickly, the ones that leave you in the dark, grasping for that last redeeming thread of hope.

I'm not the girl I used to be. I still love music but there's something missing every time I sing and it came to a point where I said I need to 'be with myself for a while' and left the band. As in LEFT! I tried ok? We were Ok for a little while but every time we practice at Kyebie's house, he was always there. We're...civil...and I just can't take it anymore.

They were devastated but they said that they can understand me. I've been known as the rebellious rich bitch, the rock star...but what they don't know is that, like them, I also want a Cinderella Story, A Notebook Romance, A Walk To Remember true-to-death love. And to be completely honest, I want to stop wishing for someone at 11:11 because he's already mine.

I want to draw his name in hearts and not feel guilty. I want to stop sitting up at night praying to God to make him mine. And if he's mine, I want to text him day and night, I want to hug him and never let go, I want him to kiss me on the cheek, just to be spontaneous, I want to hold hands with him and show him off to the world. 

Before Cray, I was never so emotional. No one could make me cry, and no one made me think so hard. But now the tears flow like rain from the saddest sky there is, and my frantic thoughts are tearing me apart.

This is the last time I will cry for him and that's why I will pour all of the tears so that when it's over, I am completely over him. I’m not going to let it end this way. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m done being broken, and I’m done letting him make me feel like that at all.

I’m going to make myself stronger, no matter how I have to do it, because these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane, and I’m not going to let that be me anymore. I’m taking a stand.

Oh I forgot, before I left, I made peace with Cray. Know what? He admitted and asked for forgiveness...he really did love me but it was too late and you know the rest, I gave him a punch and hugged him for the last time.

I know things will never be the same but I still am thankful to him.

Love is like  a soap bubble...

Full of rainbow colors, but as soon as you touch it, it pops and you have nothing but some illusion to remember. Sure, I loved him. I especially love the way he makes me feel like no one can hold the candle to the fire I have.

But it took just one prick of the only boy who made me sing like I've never sung before...whose smile can turn my dark days into a bright one in an instant...

Know what? His name is not funny. As in totally corny and I realized, one day his name just didn't make me smile anymore.

Hi! Thanks very much for reading and appreciating! I do love quotes and I found some way on how to share it without the usual ‘listing’ method thingy :3

Because I’m awesome like that and frankly, take it as how you want and say your worst but these quotestories are important to me so I don’t care if you hate it!

Sorry for some wrong gramming =)

Off to HBWbk3: He Will Never Remember The Things I’ll Never Forget

I’ll just inform you if the book 3 is already READY! ^______^v

Lovelove<3

Kathleen Villanueva

(xxkathyxx)