OFAH Modern Men Script

8/7/2019 OFAH Modern Men Script

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/ofah-modern-men-script 1/53

Episode Special - Modern Men

INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT.

Rodney, in his best suit is seated reading a woman’s magazine. Albert, dressed in his best clothes enters

from the kitchen with crisps.

AlbertYou alright, son? Lookingforward to tonight down

the pub?

RodneyYeah. I don't want a big

thing made of it, youknow. I mean, me andCassandra are having a

baby, that's all.

AlbertYeah, but you know what

Del's like. Any excuse fora celebration. You don'tthink Del'd mind if I

borrowed some of his after-shave, do you?

Rodney

What do you want to useafter-shave for? You've

got Epping bloody Forestgrowing round your chops!

AlbertI just wanted to smell

nice, that's all.

RodneyWell in that case, don'tuse Del's after-shave!

Del, in best suit enters from the kitchen carrying a

bowl of crisps and a bowl of nuts.

DelOh, there you are Rodders,

I didn't hear you arrive.Go on, help yourself to adry roasted. Where's

Cassandra then?

RodneyRaquel wanted to show her

something in the bedroom.

Albert

It's them baby clothesshe's got for you.

Rodney

Oh, she shouldn't have donethat.

DelNo, it's aright, they're

some of Damien's oldclothes.

http://www.ofah.net/Files/Modern Men.txt

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Rodney(Mild alarm)

What?

Del

Suit your nipper a treatthey will.

RodneyYeah... I'm gonna get abeer.

Rodney moves towards the kitchen.

AlbertIf it's a boy d'you reckon

it'll look like Rodney?

DelIt don't matter as long asit's healthy.

Rodney stops in the doorway and reacts. He exits to thekitchen.

Del(Cont'd)

No, I know what Raquel's

doing, she's showingCassandra some of them new

clothes I bought hertoday.

AlbertNew clothes? It's not her

birthday, is it?

DelNo, it's not her birthday.

Well, they're not 'new'clothes, they're as good

as.

Del picks up his book.

Del

(Cont'd)And it means I done my bit

for charity.

Rodney enters from the kitchen with a beer.

Del

(Cont'd)Ah, Rodders there you are,

you seen this? Modern Man,brilliant it is. It says

here: 'you shouldn't waitfor special occasions togive your loved one a

present. Arrive home witha little surprise any day

of the week and help keepyour relationship

exciting'. I done that, it

says: 'Your partner shouldnever have to seek


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attention from you. A

compliment is the easiestthing to give and the

nicest thing to receive.'It's obvious when you cometo think about it, it's

far easier to saysomething nice than

something nasty.

Raquel and Cassandra enter from the bedrooms area. Sheis dressed in her best frock. She opens her arms in a'well what do you think' gesture.

Raquel

Well?

Del is busy reading his book.

DelYes, very well, thank youdarling!

Raquel(Deflated)

Oh! Good.

AlbertYou look lovely, Raquel.

Raquel

Thank you very much, Albert.

RodneyYes, you look very nice,

Raquel.

RaquelThank you. Wait till you

see this.

Raquel exits to bedrooms area.

Albert

And you look lovely,Cassandra.

Cassandra

Thank you, Albert.

Del

Oh, there you are, sweet-heart.

(Feeling herbelly)

How's my little nephew?

CassandraGet off!

Raquel returns wearing a fur jacket.

RaquelWell. What d'you think?

Rodney and Cassandra look at each other uncertain of howto react.


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CassandraWell, this is difficult,

Raquel. You see, Rodneyand I are both opposed tothe fur trade.

Rodney

What Cass is trying to say

is, we both think itlooked better on theanimal. Whatever that was.

AlbertInnit marvelous? Del buys

Raquel a coat and you twohave a pop at her!

Rodney

Del bought it? Oh, I'm sorry, Raquel, I thoughtit was real!

DelNo, dopey, no, it'sstimulated fur!

RodneySorry, didn't realise.

Del

I tell you what we aregoing to do then. 'Cos

little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter, solet's have a couple of

glasses of champagne and

then get down the Nag'sHead for some decentcelebrations.

We see a worried Rodney draw a twenty pound note from hi

pocket. He quickly replaces it.

Del

(Cont'd)(To Cassandra)

And oi, you're on orangejuice, alright.

CassandraYes, thank you, doctor.

Del

All part of the service.

Del and Rodney exit to kitchen.

RodneyDel. I feel a bitembarrassed.

Del

You don't need to. I meanyou got a tie, and suit,

the full Monty.

Rodney


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No, no. I didn't mean that,

I've only got twenty quidon me.

DelWhat happened to your

wages?

Rodney

This is me wages.

DelOh yeah. I remember we had

a bit of a hard week,bruv.

Rodney

I know. I was there!

DelWell, I'm even worse offthan you. I spent all my

money on Raquel's dress.

Don't worry about tonight'sfestivities, we'll put iton the slate.

RodneyD'you reckon Mike'll stand

it?

DelCourse he will. He's a

diamond that man, absolutediamond.

Rodney

Well I hope you're right... And oi, why don't yousay something nice to

Raquel? She's got herselfall done up and you ain't

said a word.

Del

I was busy reading me book, weren't I?

Del and Rodney exit to lounge.

By now Raquel and Cassandra are seated on the settee,Raquel reading her magazine.

Del

Alright, alright, I'llthink of something nice to

say. Let's go. Come onthen girls, ladies and

gentlemen, time tocelebrate, go on Rodney,you got the girls, Albert

this is yours.

Raquel has seen something in her magazine.

Raquel

I don't believe it!


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Cassandra

What's that?

RaquelYou see this girl here. I worked with her years ago

when I was in showbusiness. She was just a

kid then! Look at her

now, she's about toappear in the new JamesBond film!

CassandraOoh, Piers Bronson.

Rodney

Now you don't need PiersBronson dear, you've got

me.

Cassandra

Yeah, haven't I just?

Del(Looking over

Raquel's shoulder)Well, I tell you what,Raquel. If she can be in a

James Bond film, so couldyou.

Raquel

(Laughing butcomplimented)

Oh shut up.

DelNo, you could.

RaquelDon't be silly.

DelI'm serious. I mean, look

at her, she's a dog.

Raquel reacts. Cassandra closes her eyes and turns away.We see Rodney's reaction. Del gives Rodney the thumbs

up as he sips the champagne.

INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.

It is Saturday night and a packed bar is celebrating

Rodney's and Cassandra's news. We find, Rodney,Cassandra, Raquel, Denzil, Boycie and Marlene seated at

a table close to the bar. Rodney, Boycie and Marleneappear to have had one too many. Albert is at the piano

playing and singing 'You must have been a beautifulbaby'.

Trigger is at another table chatting with a few of theregulars. Mickey Pearce is at the bar chatting with a

few younger guys. Del is at the bar with Mike who isplacing drinks on a tray and other drinks on counter.

MikeSo that's a G&T for Raquel,


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a Tequila Slammer for

Rodney, orange juice forCassandra. Oh by the way,

that Doctor Singh, theIndian bloke was in herethis afternoon asking about

you! Something to do withsome paint you sold him.

Del hides his momentary panic.

DelWas he?

Mike

He seemed rather anxiousto talk to you. Problems?

Del

No, no, no! A simple mis-understanding. Nothing thatcan't be sorted out with a

civilized chat. If he calls

again, Mike, will you tellhim I've gone to live inNew Zealand.

MikeI think I can remember

that. Here, have Rodney andCassandra thought of a name

for the baby yet?

DelNo, not yet, Mike. It'searly days, she's only just

a little bit pregnant,

ain't she? Long way to go.

Mike

Still, shows Rodney gotthe hang of it in the end.

DelOh yes! He's a Trotter,

Michael. We don't stop tillthe job's finished. Right,

so that's a Singapore Slingfor me, a cognac for

Boycie, vodka and lime forMarlene, a Cubre Libre forDenzil...

(Indicates Albert)A rum and Black for Bobby

Crush, scotches for the market lads, a pint of

diesel for Trigger...(Calls over to

Mickey)Mickey, what you and your mates having?

Mickey

Canadian Clubs all round,Del. Cheers.

DelAnd have one yourself,


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Mike.

Mike

Thanks, Del. Right, that's,er, call it twenty fivepound for cash.

Del

Put it on the slate,

Michael.

MikeThere's no more slate, Del.

I've had a visit from thebrewery.

Del

Right.(Produces a

fiver)There's a fiver, and,erm...

Del pats his clothes in search of his wallet.

Del

(Cont'd)Would you Adam ad Eve it?I've only gone and left me

wallet at home. I remembernow Damien was playing

with it earlier. I wasteaching him on financial

management - you know,avoiding expensive pubs,that sort of thing.

Mike starts to take the drinks back.

Mike

That's alright, I'll sell'em to someone else.

DelWhat d'you mean, you'll

sell 'em to someone else?They'll be second-hand.

Mike

I'll sell 'em cheap then!

Del

Well, I'll give you afiver for 'em now.

Mike

Look Del, it's not myfault, it's the brewery!

They've brought in thisrevolutionary new rule;from now on customers have

to pay for their drinks.

DelI hate all these newfangled

ideas! I'll tell you what

I'll do for you. Waitthere.


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Del produces a bag. From his bag Del produces a hair-dryer. It is a different shape from the normal hair-

dryer.

Del

I've just laid me hands onthese brand new, radically

-designed hair-dryers. They

retail at sixty ninepounds ninety nine inRegents Street, it's yoursfor fifteen nicker.

Mike

Del, look at my hair. Whatdo I need one of them for?

I've only gotta stick mehead out the window for

ten seconds and I'm bonedry!

Del produces a jagged ended attachment.

DelBut this comes complete

with a volumiser. Givesyour hair lots of body.

MikeSo I could end up looking

like Lilly Savage? Verytempting.

DelI'm giving it to you for

fifteen quid, Mike!

MikeAlright, giss it here.

(Puts hair-dryerbehind bar)

You still owe me a tenner!

Del

I tell you what. You area bit of a gambling man.

We'll have a bet, doubleor quits. If I win I

give you a fiver forthis round. You win, Iowe you a tenner.

Mike

But you already owe me atenner!

Del

You've nothing to losethen, have you?

Trigger approaches at this point and observes Del andMike.

Del

Hold your hands out in

front of you and I bet Ican make you turn them over


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without touching you.

Mike

You can make me turn myhands over without touching me?

Del

Yeah. It's called 'The Power

of Positive Thought'. Go'n,hold 'em out.

Mike holds his hands out in front of him, palms down.

Del

No, the other way.

Mike turns his hands over, palms up.

DelThere you go, see.

Del places the fiver in Mike's upturned palm.

DelThank you, Michael.

Del takes the tray and returns to the table. Mike,holding the fiver, is despondent at losing so easily.

Trigger is smiling in wonderment at the trick.

TriggerThat's good, innit?

MikeOh brilliant, Trig, bloody

brilliant.

We cut to the table where Del has handed drinks out (oreveryone's helping themselves from the tray).

Boycie

(Has had onetoo many)

I have been a motor-dealer

for many years now, but,until recently, I never

thought of the damageexhaust emig... emiti...

DenzilFumes.

Boycie

Yes. Never thought of thedamage fumes did to our

world. Let me explain mytheory.

(To Rodney)And the girl Cassandra willbear me out, she works in

a bank.

RodneyI know, we're married.

BoyciePrecisely.


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DelSame again, Mike.

BoycieNow, allow me to continue.

My theory is: the futureholds the key to our

success.

DelDon't tell Raquel's Dadthat, he's an antique

dealer.

BoycieWe must support the future!

By that I mean our worldand children. Now I've

recently invested a lot of money in electric cars.

Marlene

Yeah, he bought Tyler aScalectrix set.

BoycieI'm not talking about modelbloody racing cars, for

Gawd's sake!

Everyone laughs.

RodneyNo, he means electricengines. And he's right,

Cassandra will bear him out.

My wife I'm proud to say,has just got anotherpromotion.

Raquel

Oh. Congratulations.

Del

Well done darling.

CassandraI haven't been promoted,

Rodney. I've just been moved to anotherdepartment. My banks has

instigated this kind of'Save the World' programme.

We're investing capital incompanies involved in

recycling and conservationinitiatives.

DelShe could be talking about

us, couldn't she?

RodneyCould she?

DelWe have always been very


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environmentally conceptual.

Raquel

Well, I've discovered a newuse for old clothes - I wear 'em.

Everyone laughs.

DelIt's your round, Rodders.

Rodney

Right.

Rodney moves to the bar. Mike is placing drinks on thecounter.

Mike

If it's the same as thelast round it'll be twentyfive pounds.

RodneyTwenty five quid! Erm,Mike?

Mike(With his back

to Rodney)No!

Rodney produces two tenners and ponders his predicament.

Trigger approaches.

Trigger

Alright, Dave?

Rodney'Ello Trig.

Trigger

I can make you turn yourhands over withouttouching you.

Rodney

Eh?

TriggerI can make you turn yourhands over without

touching you. Hold 'em out.

Rodney, with a heavy sigh, places the tenners in his

pocket and holds his ands out palms up.

TriggerNo, the other way.

Rodney turns his hands over, palms down.

TriggerSee?

(Handing Rodney

a fiver)There you go, Dave.


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Trigger walks away leaving a totally bewildered Rodney with a fiver. At this point Albert finishes his song to

much applause. He makes his way to the table.

Denzil

Well done, Albert, verynice.

BoycieYes, it reminded me of thetheme track from Noddy -the Movie.

Rodney returns with a tray of drinks.

Denzil

Boycie's right about onething. You and Rodney

should be investing inyour children's future.Things like schooling.

BoycieYou gotta send 'em to aprivate school.

DelI'd love to, but I haven't

got that sort of money tothrow around.

(Calls over tobar)

Set 'em up again, Mike.

Marlene

Our Tyler's been private

since he was three. He'sseven now and he canalmost write his name.

Del

(Impressed)Really? We'll have toscrimp and save and send

Damien private.

RodneyWell, I'm not sending my

child private. There'snothing wrong with stateeducation.

Del

I'm not seeing Damien endup in our old school, the

Dockside Secondary Modern.

AlbertOoh, that was a tough oldplace.

Del

Tough? We had the onlyschool magazine with an

obituary column.

Denzil


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See, Rodney, we didn't

stand a chance of getting adecent education 'cos of

the size of the classes.

Boycie

Fifty, sixty to a class.

Cassandra

Oh you're exaggerating,your classes weren't thatbig!

DenzilIt's the truth, Cassandra.

By the time the teacher'dfinished reading the

morning register it wasdinner time.

DelYou could tell the calibre

of the school by the head

boy.

Marlene

Who was it?

Del

Trigger.

Trigger hears his name and joins tem.

TriggerD'you call, Del?

Del

Ah, there you are, Trig.We were just talking oldschool.

Rodney

Alright, let's ask Trig. And you lot stay quiet,no prompting! Trigger, did

you have big classes atyour old school?

Trigger

No, not very big.

Rodney

(At Del)See!

Trigger

High ceilings though.

BoycieAnd a few low ones. Rememberyour accident?

Trigger

Oh yeah.

Raquel

Why? What happened?


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Denzil

Trig was walking throughone of the corridors and he

smacked right into a MindYour Head sign.

BoycieGave him a right clout. His

family sued the education

authorities for brain-damage.

Del

The judge awarded him sevenpound fifty compensations.

Albert

(Confused)How d'you walk into a 'Mind

Your Head' sign? Didn't yousee it?

Trigger

Of course I saw it, but inthose days I couldn't read.

Trigger returns to the bar. We see the reactions of Albert, Cassandra, Rodney, Raquel, Marlene and finallyDel - it's the first time he's heard the truth about

the incident.

RodneyPerhaps it would be best

to go private.

Cassandra

Yeah, maybe.

Mike(Calls)

Is someone gonna collectthese drinks or what?

RodneyI'll get 'em.

Rodney moves to the bar. Mickey Pearce approaches.

Mickey

Rodney, congratulations.

Rodney

Thanks, Mickey.

MickeyHere, I was down Sid's Caff

yesterday and that DoctorSingh came in looking for

Del Boy.

Rodney

(Worried)Did he?

Mickey

He struck me as an angry

man. What's it all about?


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Rodney

Oh, it's something to do with some paint and his

surgery. I mean, at the endof the day it's not myproblem, is it? I just

work for Del.

Mickey

Yeah. That's just it.You're just an employee.You just follow orders.Pick things up put things

down and then pick 'em upagain.

Rodney

(Sensing aninsult)

Yeah. But I do think for myself.

Mickey

But it's not really a jobrequirement, is it? I starta new job next month. Good

money, prospects, companycar, the lot.

RodneyYeah? What are you, a

double-glazing salesman?

MickeyNo I'm not! Although it isto do with glass.

RodneyWhat, windows?

MickeyIt's a brand new company.

They've invented these newsolar windows.

RodneyIt's double-glazing, innit?

Mickey

No, no, no. I mean, fairenough, it does involve twopanes of glass, but it's

not double-glazing.

Raquel now appears behind Rodney.

Mickey(Cont'd)

This company is veryprofile-conscious andcustomer-driven. I'm gonna

be executive of areaperspective and overview,

combined with an aggressivetargeting strategy.

RodneyYou're a salesman.


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MickeyNo, I'm almost a scientist!

It's a whole new conceptin user-friendly heating.

RodneyYou're a double-glazing

salesman, ain't you?

MickeyYeah. It's better than working for Del, innit? I

mean, you're like a 34year old paperboy.

Rodney

I might not be working forhim much longer. I'm on

the look-out for somethingdecent... Oh, Raquel!

Raquel

I just came up to give youa hand with the drinks.

Raquel takes a couple of drinks and returns to thetable.

RodneyListen to me. There are a

few up ad coming youngfirms who are after me.

MickeyOh yeah, I bet you're being

head-hunted by Ian Beale.

Well, you'd better do some-thing quick, Rodney, you'vegot a kid on the way.

Mike

(Calls)Ladies and Gentlemen, willyou please raise your

glasses to our future Mum and Dad, Rodney and

Cassandra.

LocalsRodney and Cassandra.

INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.

Same night. Raquel is lying in bed reading a book. Delenters dressed in lime green silk pyjamas with his

book.

Raquel(Quietly)

Oh my God!

Del

Well what d'you think?

Raquel

Very nice, Del. They'revery... nice.


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DelGot 'em off Paddy the

Greek, seven pound fifty,can't be bad, eh?

RaquelLovely.

Del climbs into bed. Del reads a few lines from hisbook.

Del

It says here a bloke'ssupposed to make contact

with his feminine side.Don't mean you've gotta

wear a blouse or somethingdoes it?

RaquelNo, I don't think so.

DelDid you know geezers hadfeminine sides?

RaquelWell, I've read about it.

Look, I wouldn't worry, Idon't think it applies to

you.

DelThank God for that.Brilliant book. Did you know

that women need to know

that they are not taken forgranted?

RaquelReally?

DelYeah, there's some real eye

-openers in here.

RaquelDel, can we talk for a

minute?

Del

(Engrossed inbook)

Eh?

RaquelI heard Rodney and his

mate, Mickey Pearce talk-ing tonight. He'sstarting a new job.

Del

Mickey Pearce, you must bejoking! That bloke's been

on the dole so long he

gets invited to the staffdance.


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RaquelI heard him telling Rodney

about it.

Del

The last job Mickey Pearcehad was over the East End

as a trainee jury-nobbler.

RaquelDel, will you do somethingfor me? Give Rodney a

proper job.

DelHe's got a proper job.

Raquel

No he hasn't, he works foryou.

Del

Well that's a proper job.

Raquel

Alright, what does he do?

Del

Well, he sort of... well...lifts things, and... keeps

an eye out... and, er...drives.

RaquelAnd how would you describe

his job? Give it a name, a

title.

Del

Well, he's a... erm... He'sa... a Rodney.

RaquelThat's not a proper job!

Del

It is! There are a lot ofpeople around who are...

'Rodneys'.

Raquel

Give him a job and atitle he can be proud of.

In seven months he'll bea proud father.

Del

Listen Raquel, look, youdon't know him like I do.Rodney's never been what

you'd call astute. IfI'd left him in charge we

wouldn't be where we aretoday.

RaquelNo?


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DelNo. He hasn't got a

business brain. If Rodneyowned a flower shop he'dclose on Valentines Day.

Raquel

Make him feel important.

Do something to help him.

DelI'm in the process of doing

that very thing. I'm tryingto get Rodney some part-

time help. With Cassandrathe way she is, you never

know when he's gonna get acall and have to dash off.

So I've let it be known I'm looking for an assistantfor Rodney. Someone to take

the weight off his

shoulders.

Raquel

Aaah, that's nice of you.

Del

I know, I'm a nice fella...This thing with Cassandra.

Raquel

You mean her pregnancy?

Del

Yeah. Not making you

broody, is it?

Raquel

No! I never want to gothrough a pregnancy again.

This is all serious/jokey.

DelHurt, did it?

Raquel

Stung a bit.

Del

Yeah, I could tell.

RaquelWhat gave it away? All that

screaming?

DelYeah, that was the mainclue. Still, he was worth

it in the end, weren't he?

RaquelYeah, of course he was.

It's not just that. There's

the financial side as well.I mean, we can barely


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afford to pay the mortgage

on this place let alonefeed another mouth. And

then there's the age thingto be taken into account.

Del

True. You ain't getting any

younger, are you?

There is just a look over her book from Raquel.

INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.

Same time. Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed.

Rodney is deep in depressing thought.

RodneyI've been thinking. Oneday they might make a

musical about the

history of the Trotterfamily. Then as a sequelthey could do Schindlers

List On Ice.

Cassandra

Correct me if I'm wrongbut are you feeling

slightly under-motivatedtonight?

RodneyThere are people on death

row with more motivation

than me. I've got to getanother job, Cass! I getso frustrated working for

Del. I just wish he'dpresent me with a

challenge every now andthen, like... I don'tknow... giving someone

their change. Tomorrow weare trying to sell these

Mickey Mouse hair-dryersand some aerodynamic

cycling hats which arereally horse ridinghelmets that have been

sprayed red - and we'vegot a very angry Sikh

after our blood. This isnot what you'd call job

satisfaction.

CassandraRodney, you're the onlyone who can change Del's

attitude. Just going outin the morning hoping

for the best is not goodenough. At the bank we

always advise small

businesses to targetspecifics to achieve


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maximum market

penetration.

RodneyCassandra, we're talkingabout Derek Trotter! To

Del, 'Market Penetration' means sex under a barrow!

CassandraBut at least you can tryto influence him I mean,you're involved in

decision-making now,aren't you?

Rodney

Oh yeah, sometimes helets me toss the coin.

Decision-making! He'sjust bought himself abook.

CassandraDel has?

RodneyOh yeah. All words, nopictures. It's called

Modern Man and, accordingto the author, modern men

are decisive, positivedecision-makers and Del is

making decisions all overthe shop! It's thanks tosome of Del's decisive,

positive decision-making

that we have got theconsignment of MickeyMouse hair-dryers and a

load of cycling hats thatare horse riding helmets

sprayed red!

Cassandra

Look, why don't you talkto him? I know he jumps

the gun a lot, but he doeslisten to you.

RodneyYeah, I suppose you're

right. Actually I had a word with him this morning

and told him he shouldstop making these on the

spot decisions. I said tothink things through,

consider it, look at allthe angles and weigh upthe pros and cons. And I

think it hit home. Yeah,I'm sure he took my words

on board.

INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.

Same time. Del and Raquel are in bed reading their


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books.

Del

I'm gonna have a vasectomy!

Raquel bursts out laughing.

Del

(Cont'd)

Did I say something?

RaquelWhat's brought this on?

Del

It says in my book that modern men take the

responsibility when itcomes to family planning.

Millions of men all overthe world are having thesnip - they do it while

you wait.

RaquelDel, why don't you think

about it for a while?

Del

What's to think about,sweetheart? We can't

afford to have anotherchavvie so I'm a modern

man making a positivedecision.

Raquel

But you've got to considerthe future. I mean, I don't want to be the prophet of

doom, but what wouldhappen if say in ten years

time things didn't workout between us and webroke up. Then you met

someone else and wanted toraise another family?

Del

Oh, don't be silly, sweet-heart.

(Kisses her)

Ten years from now I won'tbe able to raise a smile

let alone anything else!

INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. INTERCUT WITH DEL ANDRAQUEL'S BEDROOM.

Following day. Rodney, in working clothes, is seated atthe table with a cup of tea and looking very down in

the mouth.

Rodney(Calling into

kitchen)

I can remember when we setoff on the road to our


23 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



horizon! It was bloody

years ago! We had a labourgovernment, you could eat

beef. Des O'Connor was white. And look at us now!

Del(OS)

How can I put this, Rodney?

Shuddup!

Rodney sips his tea. He now becomes aware of something.He turns and finds Damien's standing behind the

cocktail cabinet and staring, unsmiling at him.

Rodney flinches as a cold chill runs down his spine.

RodneyMorning Damien.

DamienI can make you turn your

hands over without touching

you.

Rodney

Yeah?

Damien

Hold your hands out.

Rodney holds his hands out as if hypnotized.

Damien(Cont'd)

Turn them over.

Rodney turns his hands over. Damien smiles victoriously.

Damien

(Cont'd)See!

Damien exits to the bedrooms area calling as he doesso.

Damien

(Cont'd)Mummy. I made Uncle Rodney

turn his hands over.

Rodney sighs in relief. Del, dressed in suit but minus

shoes, enters from the kitchen.

DelAlright, I grant you things

are a bit bleak at the moment.

RodneyThat's like saying the

Antarctic's a bit nippy.

DelOur fortune lies just

around the next corner. In

fact, I'd go so far as tosay, this time next year,


24 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



we'll be millionaires. I

mean, we're there wherethe big opportunities

happen. We are in the veryforefront of theenterprise-cultured.

Rodney

Enterprise cul... You're

so enterprising you boughta load of horse-ridingcrash helmets! Didn't youstop to think for one

moment that Peckham is notbig show-jumping country?

Del

We'll sell 'em, don't worry. I don't know what's

the matter with you. Youseemed to have stoppedbelieving. Mum said to me

on her deathbed...

RodneyOh no!

DelShe said, 'Del Boy, never

stop believing. Cos if youstop believing you've

nothing left to hope for.'

RodneyYou've got to have a dream,if you don't have a dream,

then how you gonna have a

dream come true?

Del

That's exactly what shesaid Mum - she never

stopped believing - evenafter you were born.

RodneyYeah, well that's all

very well, but when...What's that supposed to

mean? 'Even after I wasborn'?

DelDon't get me wrong, it

weren't your fault andnone of us blamed you.

Rodney

What wasn't my fault?

Del

Well, you being a problem child.

Rodney

I wasn't a problem child! I

was a good boy.


25 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Del

Yes, but you did have aproblem - you kept getting

taller.

Rodney

What did you want me to do,stay at two foot four the

rest of me life?

DelSee, most boys could wearthe same trousers for a

year and a half, butafter a couple of months

they'd look like Bermudashorts on you.

Rodney

Well most of the picturesI've got of me as aschoolboy I was wearing

short trousers anyway.

DelNo, Rodney, they might

have looked like shorttrousers but they weren'tshort trousers. If you

look very carefully atthe bottoms of the legs

you'll find that they areall fraying. That's where

two months earlier they'dbeen rubbing on yourshoes. Never stop

believing Rodders. Right,

I've gotta make a phonecall then we'll getgoing.

Del exits to the bedrooms area.

Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a cup of tea.

RodneyThis is difficult.

Albert

What's wrong?

Rodney

Well, I've got a bit ofgood news and a bit of

bad news for Del... I'm applying for another job.

Albert

Yeah? What's the bad news?

Rodney

That is the bad news! Thegood news is I'll stay on

with Del until he findssomeone suitable to

replace me.

Albert


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Well, that should take him

about half an hour.

RodneyYeah, you won't be sayingthat when I'm the managing

director of something willyou?

AlbertYou got something lined upthen?

Rodney produces the Peckham Echo.

RodneyThere's a job advertised in

the paper. Listen to this:(Reading from

newspaper)'Local company seeksambitious, energetic and

creative young person to

join its successful salesforce.' Well, who theydescribing?

AlbertNo, go on.

Rodney

It's me!

AlbertIs it?

Rodney

Yes! (Reading on)'Experience with computers

an advantage but notessential. Successful

applicant will receive fulltraining, good salary andcompany vehicle.' Well, I'm

experienced withcomputers.

Albert

I know. But you've nevergot one to work yet.

RodneyOh, shuddup!

Albert exits to his bedroom laughing.

INT. DAY. DEL'S AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.

Raquel is in dressing gown and putting clothes on hangerand back in the wardrobe. Del is dressed, minus shoes,

and is talking on his new mobile phone.

Del(On phone)

Yes... I'll call in this

afternoon and sign all theforms. Yes, thank you.


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Bonjour.

(Switches thephone off)

Look at that, me newdigital phone, clear as abell.

Raquel

Was that the clinic you

were talking to?

DelYeah. I'm having it done

next Tuesday.

RaquelYou're serious about this,

aren't you?

DelOh yeah, never been moreserious.

RaquelLook, Del, volunteering forthis vasectomy is very

brave and thoughtful ofyou, and I'm flattered thatyou're doing it for me. But

you don't have to do it.

DelNo, I think it's for the

best, sweetheart.

Raquel

But if you get - you know,

sore - I don't want youcoming back to me andsaying, 'It's all your

fault, Raquel!'

DelAs if I would do that!

Del is now putting his shoes on and is some distancefrom his mobile phone. The mobile phone begins ringing.

Del

That's the first call on me new phone. Answer itdarling, will you? And be

posh!

RaquelWhat?

Del

Be posh.

Raquel

Yes, sir!

Raquel is now on the phone with a very exaggerated poshvoice.

RaquelHello, how may I help you?


28 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Raquel smiles at Del.

We now intercut with lounge.

Rodney

(On the BTphone)

Oh hello I'm phoning about

the job advertised in thePeckham Echo.

Cut to bedroom.

Raquel reacts as if she recognises Rodney's voice.

Raquel

(Very posh)Hold the line, caller.

(To Del)Have you put an ad in thePeckham Echo?

DelYeah, help for Rodney.Who's that?

RaquelRodney.

Del

Rodney? What's he phoning me for? He's only in the

bloody living room.

Raquel

No, he's applying for the

job.

Del

What? He's applying toassist himself!

(Smiles)I gotta think about this.Press hold, it plays music.

Raquel

(On phone)I'll put you on hold whilst

I connect you with our marketing department.

Cut to living room.

Rodney(On phone)

Thank you.

From Rodney's phone we hear a click and then "Old Shep"begins playing.

Rodney looks at the phone and thinks, 'Old Shep'? It isa strong clue, but he doesn't get it.

Cut to bedroom.

DelTreacherous little git! I'm


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Del

Alright, Rodders?

Rodney(On phone)

Just one moment please.

Yeah. T'riffic.

Del

(Scanning theroom)

I wanna make a call.Where's the phone?

Rodney

Erm - I'm using it, talking with Cassandra.

Del

She alright is she?

Rodney

Yeah, great.

DelGive her my love.

RodneyWill do.

Del

And give her yours as well.

RodneyEh?

Del

In my Modern Man book itsays it's very important totell the lady in your life

that you love her,especially when she's

pregnant. Go on, tell her.

Rodney

What? No, I feel embarrassed.

DelThere's only you and me

here and I suggested it. Goon, tell her.

RodneyLater.

Del

No, go on, tell her.

Rodney(Quietly)

God!

(On phone. Veryquickly so it's

almost indiscernible)I love you.

Del, about to enter kitchen, produces his phone and cupshis hands round the mouthpiece.


31 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Del(On phone)

Sorry, what was that?

Rodney

(On phone)Nothing. I coughed.

Del(On phone)

Oh, for a moment I thoughtyou said you loved me.

Rodney

(On phone)No, I just coughed. So

what exactly do you selland what would be the

successful applicantsduties?

Now Del enters from the kitchen. Rodney has his back to

Del. Del slowly moves forward until, for the finallines, he is standing next to Rodney.

Del(On phone asHardy)

Well we buy and sell any-thing we can lay our hands

on, isn't it? And you willbe expected to go down the

market and sell the oldcrap from a suitcase. Youcould be just the man for

the job, Mr Trotter. We're

always on the lookoutfor...(Now adopting

his ownvoice)

Devious little plonkerslike you!

Rodney looks at Del - now down at Del's phone. He nowjust looks at his own phone.

Rodney

(On phone)Did you put that ad in thepaper, Derek?

Del

(On phone)Yes I did, Rodney!

Rodney hangs up.

RodneyI don't believe it! The job

in the paper I reallyfancied and it was mine! So

what's going on then? Wereyou gonna find someone else

and then get rid of me?

Del


32 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



No, Rodney. You were trying

to get rid of me! I waslooking for someone to help

you, in case you have toget away quickly because ofCassandra. I was just

tryin' to help you, Rodney,that's all.

Rodney is touched by Del's thoughtfulness.

RodneyI didn't realise. Thanks,

Del - and I'm sorry.

DelSo what's all this new job

lark?

RodneyIt really hit home theother day. When the baby's

born we gotta fill in the

birth certificate. There'sa section on there thatsays: 'Father's

Occupation'. And Ithought, what do I put? A gofer!

Del

No. You put 'SalesDirector.' I'm going to

expand, Rodney. From nowon, Rodders, you are incharge of sales and I'm

in charge of purchasing.

You'll be in the marketplace, you'll beselling. I'll be up

there in the factoriesand the warehouses

buying it. If one lineis selling particularly well, you get on the

blower to me and say,buy more of them Del.

Rodney

Yes! We should have donethis ages ago.

DelExpansion.

Rodney follows Del into the kitchen.

Rodney

And streamline the business.

Del

Yes. We'll expand bystreamlining! So, what

d'you say?

Rodney

I assume I'll receive inincrease in salary


33 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



commensurable with my extra

responsibility and workload?

DelYes. Say fifteen per cent.

Rodney

But you don't pay me

regularly now.

DelWell, I'll have to owe you

more... Rodders, I feel asif we have just taken the

first step on the road toour horizon.

Rodney

Yeah, me too.

Del

Come on. Let's go down

Sid's caff. Historic moments always make mefancy a bacon roll.

INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. LOCATION.

Rodney is seated at the table eating a bun. Del issitting opposite finishing a fry-up. Del sees something

at the cafe window and panics.

DelQuick Rodney! Get down!

Del and Rodney hide beneath the table.

RodneyWhat's happening?

Del

It's that Doctor Singh!

We see a tall, well-built Sikh man looking through the

cafe window. Satisfied that Del is not there, heleaves.

Rodney and Del clamber out from beneath the table and

sit back in their seats.

Del

That was a close one.

RodneyHe's gonna catch us event-

ually.

DelYeah, well we'll cross thatbridge when we come to

it... Rodney, I've beenthinking.

Rodney

What about?

Del


34 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



A vasectomy.

Rodney chokes on his bun. Del pats him on the back.

DelGone down the wrong hole

has it?

Rodney

Yeah. A vasectomy??

DelKeep the noise down!

Rodney

How does Raquel feel aboutit?

Del

No, I'm gonna have it done!

Rodney

I know that! Bloody hell! I

meant, have you discussedit with Raquel?

DelYeah, last night I said toher 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna

have a vasectomy.'

RodneySo it was quite an in-

depth discussion?

Del

You can't make these

decisions lightly.

Rodney

And what was her reaction?

DelWell, she was quiet for a while - then she started

laughing again. See, wecan't really afford

another nipper and weain't got room in the flat

anyway. And I don't thinkRaquel fancies havinganother baby, not after

Damien.

RodneyCan't blame her.

Del

How d'you mean?

Rodney

Well, it was a long labour, weren't it? She had a bad

time.

Del

That's right. So in the end we both agreed it was for


35 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



the best. And what do we

want with another baby?We've got Damien and he's

like two kids rolled intoone, ain't he?

RodneyAt least... Del, there are

other ways of not having a

child. Couldn't you, youknow, wear something inbed?

DelWear something - I've got

me new pyjamas - Ohgotchyer! No, too risky!

Rodney

What about a cap?

Del

A cap?

RodneyI don't mean go to bed in

a beret. I mean a medicalsort of thing.

DelNo, don't fancy that.

Lennie Norris's missusused one of those and she

still fell for a kid. Youknow him, that boy downthe market with the flat

head. See, me and Raquel

have only gotta look ateach other and she'sthree months gone. I must

be full of hormones.

RodneyI'm full of hormones as well! You can't get any

more hormones into me.Doctor said.

Del

Yeah, but I think I musthave loads of, youknow... tadpoles.

Rodney

Tadpoles?

DelThose things you see on

the telly under the microscope.

RodneyI've got loads of them as

well!

Del

Yeah, but I must have moretadpoles than the


36 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Serpentine!

Rodney

Funny innit? I'm juststarting off and you'reputting a stop to it.

Del

Yeah, it's a funny old

world.

RodneyYou gonna have it done at

the hospital?

DelWell, I ain't letting

Trigger do it with hisBlack and Decker, am I?

RodneyI mean, are you going to

the hospital or the local

clinic?

Del

The clinic. I want youradvice. Before I have ityou know - done.

Rodney

Yeah?

DelWell, a lot of these richand successful go to one of

these bans and leave their

- tadpoles.

Rodney

Do they?

DelYeah, I read it in my book.D'you think I should do

that?

RodneyYou could. I don't know how

Nat West'll feel about it.

Del

No, special banks thatfreeze things. Then, when

I'm rich and famous, futuregenerations will be able to

use it. There could be lotsof little Damien’s every-

where.

Rodney

No! What I mean is, itcould upset Raquel.

Psychologically, she mightthink you were being

unfaithful. You know how a

woman's mind works.


37 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Del

I never thought of that.Well done, bruv. Come on,

onwards and upwards.Rodney, don't tell anyoneabout this, will you?

Rodney

Of course not.

They move towards the door.

Del

(Cheerfully)Thank you very much, Sid,

that was horrible asusual.

Sid

(Equally cheerful)All the best, Del.

Del exits. Rodney is about to exit.

RodneySid. Del's having a

vasectomy.

Sid

A vasectomy?(To the other

diners)Del Boy's having a

vasectomy.

Rodney exits leaving the entire cafe discussing Del's

vasectomy.

INT. DAY. SURGICAL THEATRE. DREAM SEQUENCE.

A frightened Del is laid on a surgical bed. He is wear-ing a surgical gown which is done up down to the thighs.

We see his large legs. A white-coated middle-aged nurseis exiting the room.

NurseThe doctor will be with you

in a moment.

DelThank you, nurse.

Del looks at the instruments tray. He sees a scalpel which twinkles with razor-sharpness. The door opens

and Doctor Singh enters. He smiles at Del.

Dr SinghMr Trotter.

Del(Terrified)

Doctor Singh. Em, aboutthat paint I sold you for

your surgery.

Dr Singh

Oh, let's not worry aboutthat, I have work to do.


38 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



He picks up the scalpel.

Dr Singh(Cont'd)

Not nervous are you?

Del

Just a tad you know. It's

my first time.

Dr Singh(Laughing almost

evilly)Mine too!

Del visibly gulps. Dr Singh pulls Del's gown open in a

brusque manner.

Del flinches.

Dr Singh

(Apparently examining

vitals)Mmh mmh... Mmmh... You'rea big man, Mr Trotter.

DelOh, thank you doctor.

Dr Singh pats Del's stomach.

Dr Singh

You should go on a diet.(Laughs)

I always say that, just to

relax the patient.

DelYeah, I've got to remember

that one ext time I've gotsome bloke's vitals in me

hand.

Dr Singh

I'll give you a smallinjection just to numb the

area.

DelOh thank you.

The Doctor now produces a large hypodermic syringe witha long needle.

He approaches Del.

Dr Singh

This might sting a bit.

Del opens his mouth to cry out in fear.

INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.

Del is in bed asleep. He wakes from his nightmare and

cries out.

Del


39 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Aaarghhh!

Raquel

What's wrong?

Del

Eh? Oh, nothing! Bad dream.Can't remember what it was

about now. This, em, this

vasectomy idea. What d'youreally think about it?

Raquel

I don't mind, honest.

DelAlright, Raquel, you win! I

won't have it done.

EXT. DAY. NELSON ANDELA HOUSE.

The three-wheeled van pulls up and Del and Rodney alight.

Del opens the back of the van and takes his suitcase out.

RodneySo what finally put you off

the vasectomy then? Didn’thave the balls?

Rodney laughs.

DelNo, I wasn't frightened! It

was a medical reason. See,I kept thinking about thetadpoles.

RodneyWhat about 'em?

DelWell... where do they go?

RodneyHow d'you mean?

Del

Well when you have theoperation it stops 'em

going, well, their normalroute so where do they go?

RodneyWere you worried about 'em

hanging round on streetcorners?

Del

All I'm saying is they'vegotta go somewhere. It gotto such a point I thought

I'd be frightened tosneeze.

Now Doctor Singh appears as if from nowhere.

Dr SinghAah! Caught you at last, Mr


40 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Trotter.

Del

Doctor Singh, how nice tosee you again.

Dr SinghHave you seen my surgery

lately? This paint you sold

me is peeling off in greatchunks. It's a medicalpractice, Mr Trotter, andit looks as if my walls

have got scabies! Patientsare leaving me.

Del

Yes. The thing is, DrSingh, we didn't realise

until some time after thatthe paint was ever soslightly out of date, did

we, Rodney?

RodneyNo. We spotted a tin and

noticed it said: 'Use byJune 1983'.

Dr SinghWell I want something done

about it and fast!

DelYes of course, DoctorSingh. I'll have a member

of my painting and

decorating department callon you tomorrow.

Dr SinghIf you don't Mr Trotter...

Doctor Singh points a threatening finger at Del.

Dr Singh(Cont'd)

I'll be back!

Doctor Singh moves away towards a small pop-pop motorbike.

DelYes, thank you, Doctor

Singh. Missing youalready... 'I'll be back'!

He always says that. Didyou know that's why

they've nicknamed him theTurbanator? TheTurban-ator. Geddit?

Rodney

I don't believe you some-times! Doctor Singh is an

honest and law-abiding

man. You new that paint was iffy.


41 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



DelHow was I supposed to know?

What am I, some sort ofpain expert?

We see Doctor Singh driving off on his small motorbike.

Del

(Cont'd)Don't give me all thatrubbish about him being alaw-abiding man! Look,

riding that bike without wearing a crash helmet.

Rodney

He's a Sikh! Under the lawSikhs are excused crashed

hats! I mean, how's hegonna get a helmet overthat turban?

DelYeah, I didn't think ofthat. I suppose that's why

you never see a Sikhastronaut.

Rodney(Sighs)

More than likely, Del.

Rodney enters the flats. Del watches Mr Singh drivingaway.

INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.

Wall clock stands at 5.30. Albert is reading a news-paper.

We hear Rodney's and Del's raised voices from the open

door to the bedrooms area.

Rodney

(OS)I am not wearing it, OK?

It's half past five andthat's my going home time!

Del(OS)

Rodney, opportunities don'tstop presenting themselves

just 'cos Cassandra's putthe sprouts on! At least

see how it looks so we canget an overview.

Rodney(OS)

This is bloody stupid, Deland I'm not doing it!

Del

(OS)

Since when has a safety-device been stupid? This


42 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



little invention of mine

could help prevent seriousinjury. I mean just

imagine, there are millions of Sikhs all overthe world driving motor

cycles who are completelyunprotected.

Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He is wearing hisnormal clothes but strapped to his head is one of Del'shorse-riding protective helmets with a turban wrappedround it.

Del opens his arms expansively as if to say: look how

wonderful Rodney looks. Albert looks at Rodney, shakeshis ead sadly, and returns to his paper.

Del

And the answer to theirproblems in y new company -TCT!

AlbertTCT?

DelTrotters Crash Turbans.This is our opportunity to

do something for our fellow man.'

Rodney

It's also an opportunityfor you to get rid of them horse-riding crash-hats you

got lumbered with.

DelHang about, this is a

stereototype, Rodney.

RodneyIt's not even a prototype!It's a show-jumping helmet

with one of Raquel's oldscarfs glued on top!

Del

Exactly! That's becauseRaquel is one hundred percent behind this project!

She said, 'Take whateveryou need Del, I wanna do my

bit for mankind'.

Rodney sees himself in the mirror.

RodneyLook! Look! I mean... Look!

DelI think you look rather

dashing.

Rodney

I look like a human-cannonball who's crashed


43 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



into someone's washing line.

Del

God, I hate vanity! Rodney,think of this in humanit-arian terms. Every time a

Sikh bloke gets on a motorbike, like our friend

Mr Singh, he is taking his

life in his hands. That's why you never see gangs ofSikh Hell's Angels. Butonce these come on the

market they'll all bedashing around like Barry

Sheen. As soon as you'vetaken this over to

Southall and Wembley andshown the Sikh community

in all its glory...

Rodney

(Cutting in)

Take it over and show 'em?

Del

They will be buying theseby the thousand. Thenwe'll be selling through-

out Asia and America and Australia.

Rodney

You expect me to go overand sell it?

Del

You are my new director ofsales aren't you?

RodneyThey'll smash my head in!

DelOf course they won't,

they're peaceful lovingpeople. Anyway even if they

do, you'll be wearing aTrotter Crash Turban! A

perfect opportunity toprove how effective it is!You know it makes sense.

Rodney

All I know is I am notstepping outside this door

dressed like this!

Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying cutlery anddinner things which she takes to the table.

Raquel shows no reaction to Rodney's condition.

RaquelAlright, Rodney.

RodneyHiya, Raquel.


44 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



AlbertDuring the war.

DelWill you shut up? Can't

you see that Rodney and Iare in the middle of a

very important board

meeting and we are notinterested in U-Boats orgiant squids!

AlbertI was just gonna say that

during the war I spent sometime in India and I got to

know a little about theSikh religion. And what I

discovered was; to a Sikhthe turban has supposed toenter the body. In other

words it has to be in

contact with the head.

Rodney

Yeah, see this thingdoesn't touch the head 'costhere's a bloody horse

riding helmet in between!

DelAlright, I'll stick a bit

underneath so it istouching the head! Ihaven't finished the

design yet! What d'you

think of it, Raquel?

Raquel

I can't see it catching on,Del. I mean, what would

you wear with it?

Raquel laughs. She now spots something.

Raquel

(Cont'd)Is that my scarf?

DelI'll get you another one,

don't worry.

RaquelYou've got a nerve, Trotter!

Del

Look at it again, Raqueland realise this is not afashion statement.

Raquel

I guessed that, Derek. Iguessed that!

DelIt's a safety device.


45 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



RodneyDel, people'd rather be

critically injured than wearthis!

The phone rings and Albert moves to answer it.

Del

Answer that will you? Youtake my word for it.Three months from nowyou'll see that thing on

Tomorrow's World.

RaquelMore like Wayne's World.

Rodney

I am not going onTomorrow's World lookinglike this.

AlbertRodney, it's Cassandra'sbank for you.

RodneyOh Gawd, I suppose she's

got another late meeting.(On phone)

Hello... When?

DelPeople laughed when theyinvented air bags.

RaquelNo they didn’t, it was agood invention.

Del

Alright, tell me oneinvention that waslaughed at when it was

first seen.

Raquel(Points to

Rodney's head)That!

Rodney(On phone)

Yeah, I'm on my way, thankyou.

Rodney replaces the receiver.

DelWhat's up, Rodders?

Rodney is too shocked for tears and emotions.

Rodney

They rushed Cassandra to

hospital. She's had a miscarriage.


46 of 53 20/03/2011 11:36



Del, Raquel and Albert just stare blankly at this news.

INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL/A&E WAITING AREA.

It should look over-crowded, under staffed and under-

funded.

In the background people are queuing to register at the

admin' counter. Nurses and doctors are rushing to andfro.

Hospital staff are carrying more seriously ill patients

on stretchers.

There are parents with crying children and babies, some-one with their arm in a make-shift sling, someone in a

track-suit, their broken ankle heavily bandaged, someone with blood over their eyes and nose where they have

taken a fall or beaten up and elderly couples,frightened and just waiting patiently.

Walking around and through the seated patients is a

young man who is generally being a pain in the arse toeveryone. He is six feet tall and well built. He wearsscruffy jeans and an equally scruffy T-shirt. He is

unshaven and you would guess, in his private life, is adrunkard and a bully. He is used to shouting andfrightening people and therefore getting his own way.

He's the kind of guy you would love to see someone beatup.

Man

(Shouting at thepassing staff)

Are you lot having a laugh

with me or something? I've

been here nearly twenty minutes already and theonly person in this poxy

hospital who's spoken to me is that old cow.

The man indicates the registration clerk.

ReceptionistI'm sorry sir, but we're

very busy, we'll attend toyou as soon as we can.

Now, if you'd like to takea seat.

ManI'll tell you what I'd

like to do darling. I'dlike to take a seat and

chuck it through thatbleedin' window.

During this Del and Rodney have entered through the maindoors. Rodney is in a state of shock and fear.

Del

Take it easy, Rodney,everything's gonna be

alright.

Del approaches a sister.


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DelExcuse me, nurse. D'you

know which ward Mrs Trotteris in?

SisterAre you Mr Trotter?

DelYes, I am.

Sister

This way.

DelCome on, Rodders.

INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

The sister, followed by Del, who is followed by Rodney, move down the corridor until they come to a gown room.

The sister produces a theatre gown and hat.

Sister

(To Del)Put these on. It's just aprecaution.

Del puts gown, etc, on.

Rodney is just standing in the background like a spare

one. The sister indicates down the corridor.

Sister

(Cont'd)

Mrs Trotter is in a singleroom, number 46, on theright. Please remember she

is, naturally, and veryupset and we don't want

her being excited in any way.

DelThanks.

Del moves off.

RodneyCan I put one of them on?

For the first time the Sister is aware of Rodney.

Sister

Who are you?

RodneyI'm her husband.

Sister(Referring to the

fast disappearingDel)

Who the hell's that then?

Rodney


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Right.

Del

OK. Good boy.

Del opens the door.

INT. NIGHT. SINGLE WARD/ROOM 46.

Cassandra is seated in the bed propped up by pillows.She is just staring blankly at the wall in front of her.The door opens and Rodney and Del enter.

Rodney smiles to her.

RodneyThe bank phoned and told

me.

Cassandra smiles back to him and then breaks down.

Cassandra

(Tearfully, almost

like a child)I'm sorry, Rodney!

Del breaks down crying. After his big corridor speech,Rodney allows himself a glance at the sobbing Del. Henow moves to Cassandra.

Rodney

What are you saying sorryfor? Don't be silly.

CassandraI let you down! I let

everyone down!

RodneyOf course you didn't! It

happens, Cass, it justhappens. There was nothing

you or I could do.

Del

You didn't let anyone downsweetheart. And don't

blame yourself. You tellher, Rodney. This time

next year - go on, tellher.

RodneyYeah I will.

(Joining Del)Look, I think maybe this'd

be a good time for us tobe on our own to discuss a

few things.

Del

Yeah, I think you're right,bruv. Cassandra, me and

Rodney are gonna popoutside for a little chat.

RodneyNo, I meant me and


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Cassandra should be on our

own.

DelOf course! Yes, right!

(To Cassandra)

I'll see you later,Cassandra. And...

Del doesn't know what to say.

Del(Cont'd)

You know I'll wait for yououtside, Rodders.

Del exits and closes the door. Rodney sits by the bed

and takes Cassandra's hand.

Cassandra looks into his eyes but cannot find any words.

Cassandra

(Crying)I lost our baby.

RodneyI know. I can't leave youalone with anything, can I?

Rodney smiles at her.

Cassandra smiles back through her tears. They hug each

other.

Rodney

(Cont'd)

We're gonna get over this,Cass, and we're gonna win. And d'you know why? It's

because we are strong -very strong. Things are

gonna get better andbetter and better for us.Or as Del would say,

betterer.

Cassandra(Smiling)

I love you, Rodney.

Rodney

And I love you, Cass. Ilove you so much.

INT. NIGHT. A&E WAITING ROOM.

The scruffy bully boy is still walking round and

complaining loudly.

We now see Mike talking to a doctor. He has a bandage on

his forehead.

MikeIt sort of burnt me right

across the forehead here.

He produces Del's hair dryer.


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Mike(Cont'd)

See, the bloke what sold itto me said it was a hair-dryer, it turns out to be

an electric paint-stripper.

Doctor

Come with me, Mr Fisher.

The Doctor and Mike move off.

ManWhy's he getting seen before

me?

Del, in gown and cap, enters.

Man(Cont'd)

I don't know why people

bother paying their

national health stamps. IfI'd ever had a job I wouldn't have paid for

'em.

Receptionist

Will you please keep yourvoice down?

Man

No. It's a free countryand I'll shout as much asI want! Well, like you're

looking after all these

bloody malingerers - Ishould be top of yourlist.

We see Del eyeing the man. There is a vengeful look on

Del's face.

Man

(Cont'd)I took some pills earlier,

no I've no idea what theyare 'cos I was drunk, but

they're starting to upset me! You nurses are always whinging about getting poor

wages. You don't deserveanything better 'cos do you

hear that, you're allsodding useless.

Del approaches.

DelExcuse me, sir.

The man turns.

Man

What?

Del now chins him with a crisp right-hander. The man is


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catapulted backwards by the force of the blow. The back

of his legs hit a low table and he somersaults on hisback. He ends up sprawled on the floor with his head

resting up against a wall. Del approaches.

Del

Feeling any better?

The man is glassy-eyed and frightened.

ManYes, thank you, doctor.

DelAll part of the service.

Bonjour.

As Del passes an elderly couple who have witnessed theincident in wide-eyed surprise.

Del(Cont'd)

I bet you wish you'd gone

private, don't you?


Documents

OFAH Modern Men Script