OC Mediation Conference 2011 2012. Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250 1-800-743-1973 Bryan Buljat, MBA, Certified Tax

OC Mediation Conference 20112012

Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #232501-800-743-1973

http://www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

Bryan Buljat, MBA, Certified Tax Planner1-619-501-1900

http://divorcesolutionssandiego.com

WHAT TO LOOK FOR…Traits vs. Disorders

Who is the “reasonable” person?

What are some of the maladaptive or high conflict personality traits that flourish in divorce?

How to recognize (but not diagnose) the high conflict personality disorder when presented in divorce.

March '12 OC Mediation Conference 2012

Four Clusters of Personality Disorders – DSM IV

Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior

Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events

Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior

Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain


PRIMARY FEARS DRIVING BEHAVIORFear of being

wrong / being ignored

Fear of losing / being inferior

Fear of not being liked / being abandoned

Fear of emotional discomfort / being dominated


Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

Borderline NarcissisticFear of abandonmentIdealisticDevaluation of othersImpulsive behaviorSuicidal behavior or

threatsChronic emptinessSudden, intense, extreme

anger or change in moodParanoia

Lack of empathyInflated sense of self-

importanceDemands special

treatmentDemands admirationSense of entitlementExploits relationship EnviousArrogant


Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

Histrionic Anti-socialDemanding of attentionInappropriately seductive

or provocativePhysical appearance draws

attentionShifting & shallow emotionsDramatic, theatrical &

exaggeratedSuggestibleBelieves relationships are

deeper than they are

Repeated violation of social norms/laws

Lying and conningImpulsive and fails to

plan aheadIrritable & aggressiveReckless & IrresponsibleLack of remorseOnset of conduct

disorder by Age 15


HCP CORE FEATURES• Lack of self- awareness

• Lack of adaptation

Why they are the way they areHow they contribute to their

own problemsOr, how to change

Aaron Beck (1990) Cognitive Therapy of Personality

Disorders

Behavior becomes rigidly patterned

Social impairment evolvesRigid behavior evokes

responses from others that “validate” their inflexible beliefs

Efrain Bleiberg (2001) Treating Personality Disorders in

Children & Adolescents


High Conflict BehaviorsRigid &

UncompromisingDifficulty

accepting lossDifficulty healing

from lossEmotions dominate

thinkingInability to reflect

on own behavior

Difficulty empathizing with others

Preoccupied with blaming others

Avoids responsibilityfor the problem or the solution

Depends on others to solve problems


The Impact on ParentingDepends on child for

secure relationshipSees child’s needs

as same as parentsInvolves child in all

disputesLacks empathy for

Child

Children seen as either Allies or Enemies

Wants Child to Testify against the other

Projects negative qualities onto Child


The Impact of HCPs for ChangeThe ability to regulate, self-direct

and engage in self-awareness is impaired

Literally unable to solve problems as others do

Chronic, public and intense, facial expressions of fear and anger are readily observable


Understand the Three-step Cycle of High Conflict ThinkingMistaken Assessment of Danger (M.A.D.)

Internal distress that’s perceived as external dangerE.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored,

dominated

Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive (B.A.D.)HCP “attacks” the perceived source of danger

Negative FeedbackHCPs perceive ANY feedback as negativeHCP then escalates


Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

Communication Strategies to Allow the Nervous System to Settle Down

De-escalateTone of VoicePlan aheadEmpathize, don’t argueAcknowledge fearsDemonstrate respectAdult Time-outs


Listening using your E.A.R.• Demonstrate Empathy

• Pay Attention

• Display Respect

Recognize that it’s easy to become frustratedwith their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions

Recognize that it’s easy to get “emotionally hooked”& want to withhold positive responses

Recognize that it’s easy to want revengeand attack or criticize in return



USING the C.A.R.S. ApproachConnect: Listen closely and respond with

Empathy, Attention & Respect (E.A.R.)

Analyze: Get the Client to make a list of problems/options and choose a task

Respond: Be brief, informative, friendly and firm

Set Limits: Don’t make it personal. Help client deal with policies and procedures. Use indirect confrontations.



Four Key Issues in Managing HCPsBonding – this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your

relationship – they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions.

Structure – acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks . Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting.

Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known!

Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES to their own ACTIONS…explore various outcomes, what if no agreement, build consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss.


Ten TIPS for Managing HCPsLower expectations

for changeListen to highly

insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked)

Understand their logic is fear-based

Focus on tasksEmphasize their

strengths

Reality TestUse indirect

confrontationsEducate about

consequencesInclude a positive

advocateMake

recommendations



What to do if you are “HOOKED”Take a deep breath…or a fewTake an adult time-outAcknowledge their concerns…arrange to

meet at another time to resume discussionGo to the balcony…get some perspectiveReach back out…focus on behavior, not

the personUse “I” language…not “You” languageRemember…the “issue” is not the

“issue”…the “issue” is the behavior being demonstratedMarch '12 OC Mediation Conference 2012

ResourcesEddy, William,

http://www.highconflictinstitute.comGrant, B., et al, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry,

7/2004, 4/2008, 7/2008.Kvols, K.J. Redirecting Children’s Behavior McIntosh, J., et al, Family Court Review 1/2008.National Institute of Health (NIH), 2002 and

2008.National Institute on Alcohol Abuse &

Alcoholism (NIAAA).


Documents

OC Mediation Conference 2011 2012. Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250 1-800-743-1973 Bryan Buljat, MBA, Certified Tax