Objectif English #1

page 3page 3www.objectifenglish.com

Welcome to the first issue of Objectif English!We hope you enjoy the magazine, here are some of the reasons that I like it:

• It teaches you REAL English and is not limited to academic language.• It’s the most fun you can have reading a magazine (without taking off your pants).• It’s an anagram of LONG BEEF SHIT CIJ and IL CHIE SON JET BFG.

One of the best things about learning a foreign language is that you can do it through anysubject you want. You can learn the same vocabulary and grammar from a funny story as youcan from a boring newspaper article. Motivation is very important in learning and this is why wemake our articles as fun as possible; if you enjoy what you read you will want to continue andyou will remember more of what you learn.Students of English often complain that what they learn at school and university does not preparethem for the way people use English in real life. As an English teacher myself, I constantly hearcomplaints like, ‘When I went to America I could talk about European politics but I couldn’t tella joke’, ‘The only English I understood was from other French speakers’ and many others thatare similar. Objectif English teaches you English for real life, not just so you can read a newspaperin English.

You will see words like ‘fuck’ used by Peter Lagueule, Master Criminal, One Eyed Simon and inAdult Only. You might like to swear, you might not (we do), but either way you need to understandthese things because they are an important and authentic part of language. Of course, swearingis inappropriate in many situations so it has to be used carefully. There are also some contextswhere it is completely normal; such as when you need to tell your boss or teacher to shut thefuck up because he is a fat, ugly cunt.

We want to know what you think of Objectif English. What do you like? What don’t you like? It’syour magazine, tell us. You can contact us by email: [email protected], or you cansend us the feedback form on page 5 and have the chance to win a subscription. We really dowant to know what you think! You can subscribe by emailing us at [email protected] orby sending the coupon on page 19.

Objectif English #1 is a first issue special, but from now on you can buy it every month. Enjoy!

Lucanagram na word where the order of letters has beenchanged to make a new word or wordsswear vbuse profanity, say taboo words

shut the fuck up exp RUDEbe quiet, stop talkingcunt n RUDE!a person you hate, part of a woman’s anatomy (probablythe most taboo word in English)

1 Introduction2 Dictionary of Slang3 Dr. Finger’s Pronunciation4 Grammar Clinic5 Plane Stories6 Punk7 British Bar Chat8 U.S. Bar Chat9 Red Carpet Talk:

Celebrity Marriages10-13 Crank Calls14-15 Business Dialogues16 Goodbye

Welcome to Objectif English, the number onemagazine for learning English!!

I would like to thank you all out there for readingObjectif English, the first ever magazinepublished by a cultural exchange company,leading provider of opportunities around theworld. That’s right, Objectif English is not onlyan amazing tool for learning English, it is agathering of our experiences in the languageinstruction field. Of course the best way to learna language will always be living in the country,but before (and after), you might want a fewtips to speak better, improve faster, or keep yourfluency up with excellent and funny articles…Objectif English is all that, and more.

So now enough with the boring stuff, and enjoyyour reading…

JC

4 Dictionary of Slang5 Jokes6 Let’s all laugh at... THE BRITISH8 Dr. Finger’s Pronunciation10 Grammar Clinic11 One Eyed Simon’s Tips... FAKING IT12 Plane Stories14 Weird Resumes16 Travel Stories- Wherever I may roam

Birmingham18 Punk19 SUBSCRIPTIONS20 Adult Only22 British Bar Chat23 U.S. Bar Chat24 Failed Crime Stories26 Red Carpet Talk:

Celebrity Marriages28 Crank Calls29 One Eyed Proverbs30 Business Dialogues

Pubished by ILCEA Linguistic Ltd.

Contact information:www.objectifenglish.comObjectif EnglishILCEA Linguistic Ltd.43 Temple RowBirminghamB2 5LSUnited KingdomTelephone: 00 44 121 237 6004Fax: 00 44 121 237 6100Information: [email protected]: [email protected]: [email protected]: [email protected]

Editorial DirectorLuc [email protected]

Director ExecutiveJean-Charles Bully

Cartoons & cover artOlivier Gobber

Printing

ISSN 1748-281XDépôt légal 3ème trimestre 2005

We would like to thank everyone at Hot EnglishPublishing S.L. for their collaboration and helpfuladvice on our first issue of Objectif English.The articles on pages 4, 8, 10, 12, 18, 22, 23,26, 28 and 30, and the audio tracks from 2-15,are the original work of Hot English PublishingS.L.See their website:www.hotenglishmagazine.comIn particular we would like to thank:Andy Coney, Andy Goodall and Thorley Russellfor their comments, advice and original HotEnglish articles and audio; Vanesa Carosia forher technical assistance and design advice;Freddy Norberto for putting the audio CDtogether; Ariel Plotkin for her backgrounddesigns and Nikko Hinderstein for peaches andwater.

Copyright © 2005 ILCEA Linguistic Ltd. All rightsreserved. Reproduction without permission isprohibited. The opinions expressed herein do notnecessarily represent the views of ILCEA LinguisticLtd. If you are offended by anything in the magazineplease write in, we will be happy to explain ‘sense ofhumour’, ‘jokes’ and ‘irony’ to you.

ILCEA Linguistic Ltd. is a division of ILCEA Corporation.

This means you canlisten to an articleon the audio CD.

page 4 www.objectifenglish.com

Here we’ve got some examples of how to say things in different s i tuat ions .

DICTIONARY OF SLANG

S i t u a t i o n

You need to start workinga lot more and makingmore of an effort:

I need to dedicate moretime to my work

I need to get going onthings

I need to pull my finger out;I need to get my acttogether; I need to get onthe case; I need to get myass in gear

You are with a colleaguewhen you see some otherfriends on the other side ofthe street:

Those people are myacquaintances

Those people are myfriends

They’re my mates; they’remy buddies (US)

It’s late at night and you arefeeling very hungry:

I have such an urge toconsume food

I’m feeling a bit hungry I’ve got the munchies;I’m feeling a bit peckish;I’m starving; I could eat ahorse

You ask what timesomething starts:

What time does it com-mence?

What time does it start? What time does it kick off?what time does it get go-ing?

A friend is always angry,and is never happy:

He is of a negativedisposition

He’s always in a bad mood He’s a grumpy old sod;he’s a miserable old git

You want to tell a friendthat something is easyand not at allcomplicated:

It is not of a complexnature

It isn’t hard to understand It isn’t rocket science; it’sa piece of piss; it’s child’splay; a 4-year-old couldunderstand it; even amonkey could do it; it’sdead easy

You are flirting with anattractive person. Suddenly,a friend appears and triesto join the conversation.You are angry and tell yourfriend to go away:

Please, retire! You are in-terfering with my attemptsat seduction

Go away! You’re getting inthe way!

Get lost! You’re crampingmy style; beat it (US);scram (US)

CD track 2

“he’s amiserableold git”

G L O S S A R Y

an ass n RUDE USthe part of your body that you sit ona gear ncars have five or six gears. These help the cartravel at different speeds, or backwardsan urge na desirea munchie nthis comes from the verb “to munch”. Basically,if you “munch” food, you eat it slowly andsteadily and by making a noise

Please note that some of the words in this glossary box are literal translations of parts ofidiomatic expressions.

a sod; a git n RUDEan insult (not too offensive) - usually for a mancramped adjif a room or building is “cramped”, there are toomany people and there is too little space

formal relaxed informal

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The smart tramp

A tramp walks into a bar and orders a drink. “I don’t think youcan pay for that, can you?” says the barman. “OK” says thetramp. “If I promise to show you something amazing, will yougive me a drink?” Reluctantly, the barman agrees, and thetramp pulls a baby chick out of his pocket and puts it on the bar.The little creature runs over to the piano and plays Imagine byJohn Lennon. “That was amazing,” admits the barman as hepulls the tramp’s pint. Once he has gulped it down, the trampasks for another. “I’ll need another miracle in return,” says thebarman. So this time the tramp pulls out a piglet and puts it onthe bar. The piglet clears his throat and sings Bohemian Rhapsody.At this point, a man sitting in the corner of the bar comes up andgives him £100 for the piglet. When he’s gone, the barman saysto the tramp, “You’re crazy to sell that pig so cheaply. You couldhave got much more.” “It’s OK,” replies the tramp, “The chicken’sa ventriloquist.”

Jokes are great, they make you laugh and everyone likes to laugh. Sometimes, it can be hard to tella good joke in a foreign language - you forget words or the tense you want to use...Each month we show you how to tell good jokes in English. I’m laughing already...

Bad day

A big lorry driver with a reputation for making trouble walks intoa bar. Everyone pretends not to see him and hopes he will leavethem alone. A little man is sitting at the bar just staring at hisdrink when the big lorry driver walks up to him, grabs his drinkand gulps it down in one swig.The poor little man starts crying. The lorry driver is surprisedand says, “Come on man, I was only messing about, I’llbuy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a mancrying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy,sobbing. “I can’t do anything right. I slept-inand was late for an important meeting, somy boss fired me. “When I went to the carpark, I found my car was stolen and I haveno insurance. I grabbed a taxi home but,after it left, I found out my wallet wasstill in the taxi. “I got in the houseand discovered my wife had leftme for my brother… And thenyou turn up and drink thepoison!”

grab vbtake suddenlygulp vbswallowswig na swallow of liquid

mess about phr vbplay aboutsob vbcrysleep-in phr vbsleep longer than intended

fire vbsack, dismiss from jobfind out phr vbdiscoverturn up phr vbarrive

piglet na baby pigventriloquist nsomeone who can speakwithout moving his lips ormouth

smart adjintelligent, clever, welldressedtramp nsomebody who has no homeor job and often lives on thestreets

reluctantly advunwillingly, if you dosomething reluctantly youdon’t want to do itto pull a pint expto pour a drink into a 568mlglass

____________________Dictionary of Slang

____________________Jokes

____________________Let’s all laugh at...

THE BR

ITISH

____________________Dr. Finger’s

Pronunciation

____________________Gram

mar Clinic

____________________One Eyed Sim

on’s

Tips... FAKING

IT

____________________Plane Stories

____________________Weird Resum

es

___________________Wherever I m

ay roam

____________________Punk

____________________Adult Only

____________________British Bar Chat

____________________U.S. Bar Chat

____________________I would have got

away w

ith it, too

____________________Celebrity Marriages

____________________Crank Calls

____________________One Eyed Proverbs

____________________Business Dialogues

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This is the section where Peter Lagueule talks about certain groupsof people and why they make him laugh. This month he has chosena particularly easy target… the British.

Hello everyone, I would like to invite you to join me in laughing atidiots from around the world. There is so much to choose from,there are mad people everywhere. I decided to start with Britishpeople, ha ha, I’m laughing already! What a shame we only havetwo pages to laugh at them.

Who are they?

The British are the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britainand Northern Ireland (the U.K. for short). This is made up ofEngland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

People from other countries often mistakenly talk about ‘theEnglish’ when they mean the British. This makes people fromNorthern Ireland, Scotland and Wales very angry, unless they aresaying bad things about the English. If this happens they will joinin and explain the differences between themselves and theEnglish. The funny thing about this is that, like me, the foreignerdoesn’t give a flying fuck about their shitty little island.

If you go to the U.K. you will see that the British drive on the left-hand side of the road. Brits will tell you that this is because theyhave always done this and that over a quarter of the world’scountries drive on the left. The real reason is that they hope thiswill make foreigners not want to drive on U.K. roads and botherBritish drivers (who like to drive nice and slowly). There are lots ofroundabouts, too. This is just in case foreigners do decide todrive in the U.K., they will surely crash their cars and die if theydo.

Unfortunately, some funny stereotypes of the British areno longer correct.

Afternoon TeaThe British still drink lots of tea, but only the upper class have keptup the peculiar tradition of stopping everything at five o’clock todrink it. Taking refuge from the rain, they love to sip from a cup ofboiled leaves and throw another child on the fire to keep warm.

Children should be seen and not heard (proverb)Children are treated better today than ever before, parents treatthem almost as well as their pets.

JellyThis is now most commonly used by Americans for breastimplants, although British parents still sometimes feed theirchildren jelly, usually at birthday parties. I suppose they do this sochildren learn that the world is a cruel place at an early age.

Warm beerBarmaids used to tell their customers to “Drink up before it getscold” when they bought a pint of beer. Now Brits drink coldEuropean lager, as fast as they can.

One

of th

ese

thre

e pi

ctur

es is

tru

e, t

he o

ther

tw

o ar

e ve

ry s

illy.

Can

you

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l whi

ch is

whi

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foreigner nperson from a different countryI don’t give a flying fuck exp RUDEI really don’t careshitty adj RUDEdirty, horribleBrit n, Briton nBritish personroundabout nisland at a road junction that cars goround in one directionpeculiar adjodd, strange, unusualto sip vbto drink (slowly or a little at a time)commonly advoften, usually, frequentlybreast implant nmaterial inserted into breasts to makethem biggercan’t be bothered expIf you can’t be bothered to do somethingyou don’t have the energy to do itseparate adjindividual, differentto piss off phr vb RUDEto really annoysuspicious adjnot trusting, scepticalgo unnoticed vbnot seen, ignoredcombat vbfightdrunk adjintoxicated by alcoholpace nspeedrush vbgo/move quicklylast orders nwarning that the customers can only buydrinks for another five minutestime nbar staff call ‘time’ when the bar is closed.wrestle drinks away fromtake drinks away by forcesober adjnot drunk or intoxicatedto queue vbto wait in a line for somethinggutter ndrain at the side of a street for carryingaway rainwaterrequired adjneeded, necessarybland adjdull, tastelessbunch ngroup, gangbehaviour nconduct, actionsto distinguish vbto recognize, to know, to seeabroad advin a different countrysunburnt adjhaving inflamed skin from exposure to sunMargaret Thatchermean old British ex-prime minister whoyou probably don’t want to have sex withretarded adjbackward in mental developmentcaveman nprehistoric human who lived in cavesarsehole n RUDEinsult to a person you don’t like, idiot,anusconservative adjcautious, understated, unexaggerated

Being British means it is acceptable to get drunk and behave like aretarded caveman.

There is only one legal haircut for British men at any one time.

According to recent statistics, 33% of British people are completearseholes. However, some say this is a conservative estimate.

Brit

The British invented some sports that are verypopular today, such as: football; rugby; cricketand golf (which is good for people who can’t bebothered to play a real sport). England,Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales often haveseparate national sports teams, the British willonly play together if they realise they are reallybad at a sport.

They only joined what is now the European Unionto piss off the French. Now they’re stuck andthey don’t like that at all, they are terriblysuspicious of other Europeans. People in Britainare particularly frightened of the euro. They arevery worried that they would forget who theyare if there was no pound sterling.

British women are very worried that theirfemininity will go unnoticed. To combat thisthey wear short skirts and tops that leave littleto the imagination, they usually wear pink justso you don’t forget they are female.

British people go to the pub to drink as quicklyas possible. Conversation is sometimes whathappens while they are busy trying to get drunk.Everyone drinks at the pace of the fastestdrinker. Even if they have a full drink in front ofthem everyone rushes to buy another drink at10:55pm when the barmaid calls ‘last orders’.At 11pm the bar staff call ‘time’ and start towrestle drinks away from the customers. Itis only now, after leaving the pub that the Britishremember that they need to eat. When sober,queuing is their favourite thing (all alone, a Britwill form an orderly queue of one) but it becomesa big problem for the British when they are drunk.They all attempt to buy something to eat from akebab or other fast food restaurant and amusethemselves in the queue by fighting. Only themost motivated succeed. Those who successfullyobtain food eat it as quickly as they can andreward themselves by vomiting it back up intothe gutter. This gives them the energy requiredto fight people in the queue for a taxi. As youcan see, the British really know how to party…right up until 11:30, when everything closes.

Of course not all of the British are like this; itwould be unfair to say so. There are British thateat a typically bland meal, put the children intheir cages and go to bed with the dog hoursbefore any of this trouble happens.

British people read lots of newspapers but thishas not helped them to understand people fromother countries better. The reason for this is thatthey only contain news about the private lives ofthe British royal family. This is a strange bunchof people who are even uglier than most Brits.In the U.K. some people are pro-monarchy andothers are anti-monarchy. Pro-monarchy meansyou think the royal family were dropped on theirheads when they were young, so that excusestheir odd behaviour. Anti-monarchy means youthink the royal family should be dropped on theirheads, every day.

British tourists are easy to distinguish abroad.They will look a) sunburnt (even if they areblack) b) embarrassed c) drunk… or sometimesall three of these things. If they meet somebodywho doesn’t speak their language they willcontinue to speak to them in English, justLOUDER and more S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Modern day Britons eat lots of food from othercountries. They are beginning to realise that theidea of eating British food is as attractive ashaving sex with Margaret Thatcher.

God Save the Queen! I hope her head is OK.

Write to Peter Lagueule and tell himwho you would like to laugh at:[email protected]


1. Pronunciation: T 2. Pronunciation: D 3. Pronunciation: ID

Walked, stopped, knocked, jumped, Phoned, explained, carried, arrived, Arrested, wanted,looked, helped, missed,started,

PART I - PAST TENSE VERBSThis month we are looking at the pronunciation of regular pasttense verbs (verbs that end in "ed", such as "walked"). Most verbsare, of course, regular. We will be looking at sounds, and you haveto remember that in English a letter or combination of letters canhave many, many different sounds. Anyway, there are basically threedifferent pronunciations for the endings of these verbs: the sound"t", as in "worked"; the sound "d", as in "played"; and the sound"id", as in "wanted". Notice how the “e” is often not pronounced.Exercise ILet's try an activity. Look at the list of verbs below. Listen to eachverb and write "t", "d" or "id" next to them according to theirpronunciation. The first one has been done for you:

Walked ("T")PhonedArrestedStoppedExplainedKnockedWanted

Part IIIs there a rule? Of course there is! Basically, the pronunciationdepends on the final sound of the verb in the infinitive. Here is therule, and please remember we are looking at the sounds of theletters:1. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "t" if

the final sound of the infinitive is:a) "ch" as in "watchedb) "f" (usually written "gh") as in "laughed"c) "k" as in "worked"d) "p" as in "dropped"e) "s" as in "passed"f) and "sh" as in "washed"

2. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "d" ifthe final sound of the infinitive is:

a) "m" as in "informed"b) "n" as in "rained"c) "v" as in "lived"d) "w" as in "snowed"e) "z" as in "dozed"f) and "i" as in "carried"

3. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "id"if the final sound of the infinitive is::

a) "d" as in "faded"b) and "t" as in "wanted"

Dr Fingers’Pronunciation Course

CD track 3 - BBC English accent

Jumped

Carried

Looked

Started

Exercise - Part IINow let's try another activity. Look at the box below, at the bottomof the page. We've put some verbs in the appropriate boxes accordingto their pronunciation. Here are some more verbs in the past. Listento the pronunciation, repeat the pronunciation then see if you canput the verbs into the correct boxes according to their pronunciation.Remember to listen carefully to the sound at the end:

WatchedRainedLandedLaughedWantedBlamedWorkedRappedArrivedBossedSnowedRushedRealized

AcceptedAddedAdmiredBeggedBlindedBlushedCriedCollectedChargedClearedCorrectedExcitedExplained

FlashedGrabbedDamagedDrownedExtendedExistedIncreasedKilledLickedMatteredPromisedPackedOffended

OrderedPushedRushedRememberedRemovedSavedSharedSinnedSniffedSoundedStoppedTalkedTestedThanked

Information BoxPronunciation Note - Linguists Only!In English there are two types of consonant sounds: voiced andunvoiced. All the sounds in the first box (pronunciation "T") are"unvoiced consonants"; and all the sounds in the second box are "voicedconsonants". Let's look at the difference:Unvoiced Consonants (box 1 - "T")The unvoiced sounds (in the first box) produce a blast of air. Youshould be able to feel this on your hand.Let me show you what I mean. Put your hand in front of your mouthand say the following sounds: "ch", "f", "k", "p", "s" and "sh".Voiced Consonants (box 2 - "D")Voiced consonants produce a vibration in your throat when you saythem. This is a completely natural sound, and your voice willautomatically produce it if you relax and don't stress the endings. Youcan try this for yourself. Put your finger on your throat and say thesounds "m", "n", "v", "w", "z" and "i". You should be able to feel thevibration in your throat.

* Notice how the letter "y" at the end of many regular verbs oftenchanges to an "i". For example: carry - carried; worry - worried.

Well, that's all for now. Bye for now and happy talking!



Dear Dr Fingers,I was wondering about the difference between the words“whether” and “if”. Please could you help me as my studentsasked about this and I didn’t know what to say? Thank youvery much.Michael (by e-mail)

Dear Michael,Thank you very much for your question. Of course, I would bedelighted to try and help explain the difference between “whether”and “if”. It is a little bit complicated as in many cases they are verysimilar and interchangeable, but in other cases only one option ispossible. Let’s see.

“Whether” & “If” - SimilaritiesBoth “whether” and “if” can be used in reported speech with verbssuch as “ask”. For example:“I asked her if I could take her car.” “I asked her whether I couldtake her car.”“She asked me if I spoke French.” “She asked me whether Ispoke French.”“She asked if I liked it.” “She asked whether I liked it.”However, there are many other cases when it is only possible to use“whether”. Let’s see a few examples.

“Whether”We use “whether” (and an infinitive with “to”) after the verbs “know”,“ask” and “wonder” when there are two or more alternatives oroptions. For example:

“I don’t know whether to go to the cinema orwhether to go to the theatre.”It isn’t always necessary to mention the second“whether”. So, we could say the previoussentence like this:“I don’t know whether to go to the cinema or(whether) to go to the theatre.”You can also use “or not” instead of mentioningthe other option:“I don’t know whether to go to the cinema ornot.”

We always use “whether” if there is a preposition:“We were talking about whether we should pay more money forit.”“We were thinking about whether we should go early or late.”And we often use “whether” when it is followed by an infinitive with“to”:“I was wondering whether to tell you or Steve.”“I’ve been wondering whether to speak now or later.”

“If”It is NOT possible to use “if” when there are two alternative options,particularly with expressions like “I’m not sure”, “I don’t know” and“wonder” plus an infinitive with “to”. For example:“I’m not sure whether to go to France or Italy.” It is NOT possibleto say, “I’m not sure if…“I don’t know whether to tell Michael or Sam.” It is NOT possibleto say, “I don’t know if…“I’ve been wondering whether to go by train or plane.” It is NOTpossible to say, “I’ve been wondering if…

Right, I hope that has answered your question. Just remember touse “whether” when there are alternatives, and you should be OK.Now, I must go and drink some cocoa.Bye, Dr Fingers

CD track 4 -BBC accent

Today’sclass:

Whether & If

Dr Fingers’ Grammar Clinic


fake it expmake people think you are good atsomething when you are notthink on your feet expthink and act quicklyembarrass vbmake someone feel bad or self-consciousfluent adjif you are fluent in a language youexpress yourself easily andnaturallystroke vbcaress, pass hand gently oversomethingforeigner nperson from another country

ashamed adjembarrassed by shamenative English speaker nperson whose first language isEnglishbastard n RUDEan insult to a person you don’t likefrown vbto push your eyebrows together(especially to show you don’t likesomething)credible adjbelievable, likely, convincingcrotch npart of the body at the top and inbetween your legs

When you read something in English you can takeas much time as you need to understandeverything. However, when you speak English youhave to think on your feet, sometimes it canbe embarrassing or even a bit scary. Follow myadvice and impress English speakers by appearingmore fluent.

If an English speaker asks you a question stroke your chinand look like you were thinking about something else for afew seconds before you answer. This will give you time todecide if you understood the question or if you need to hearit again. It should help you to avoid embarrassing situations,like this:

Native speaker So, where do you come from,then?

Johnny Foreigner Yes, I would love to.

Native speaker ?

(Native speaker explains her question again and they bothlaugh nervously about the misunderstanding. JohnnyForeigner is ashamed and commits suicide two hours later.)

Say ‘you know what I mean’ or ‘like’ after everything you say.Many English speakers add unnecessary words like these to theirsentences. It is often considered a bad habit among nativespeakers. However, it will make you seem really cool if English isnot your first language.

See how well Jeanette Foreigner does things:

Native speaker Did you enjoy the film?

Jeanette Foreigner Yeah. It was, like, quite good. You know whatI mean? Did you like it?

Native speaker I thought it was, you know, all right, like.Do you want to go to the cinema with menext week?

Jeanette Foreigner I’m sorry, Dave has invited me.Hedoesn’t,like, try to stroke my leg during thefilm. And he’s much better looking than you.You know what I mean?

Native speaker Oh, right…

Tap your wrist when you ask, “What time is it, please?” Do nottap your crotch when you ask, “Where are the toilets, please?”

If you ‘invent’ a new word (by saying a word from your own firstlanguage with an English speaking accent) don’t stop, just ignoreit and continue with what you are saying. Even if it doesn’t exist,the native speaker will think it is real word and feel embarrassedthat he doesn’t know it.If you make somebody repeat a question three times and youstill can’t understand just say, “That’s none of your business,you ugly bastard”, look insulted and walk away. The person willthink you’re mad but they will think that your English isexcellent.

Frown when you speak to someone in English,it makes you seem much more credible. Thisreally works! The person in front of you will think you knowexactly what you are talking about.

If you need tips on how to do som

ething in English email O

ne Eyed Simon: oneeyedsim

[email protected]


Mr DuckBrian remembers a very unusual passenger on a flight from CapeTown to Johannesburg.I was in the airport when I suddenly noticed this guy dressed asa duck going “quack, quack”. When we got on the plane, I wasamused to see that the “duck” was sitting right next to me. Half-way through the flight, I plucked up the courage to ask theman, “So, what’s the story?”“Well, I was at a fancy-dress party dressed in this duck suit,”the man explained, “and I had a bet with my friends. Well, theupshot is that I get two hundred euros if I fly to Jo’burg in thesuit.”

Mr DrunkJim had a very enjoyable flight.I was sitting on this plane headed to Bombay when this drunkenguy came onto the plane. “Please, please, please don’t sit next tome,” I said to myself as I watched him stagger down the aisle.But, as luck would have it, he sat right next to me. He literallyfell into his seat and fell asleep immediately.About two hours out of Heathrow, he suddenly woke up and or-dered a vodka and orange. When his drink arrived, he looked overto me and asked, “So, what time are we due into Glasgow,then?”I must say, that was one of the most pleasurable flights I’ve everhad. And, oh, how I enjoyed telling him that we were actuallygoing to Bombay.

Mr NobodyGordon remembers a very angry passenger.I was waiting to check in when this guy rushes up to the frontof the line and demands to be checked in first. To the passenger’ssurprise, the check-in guy just said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll haveto stand in line like everybody else.”On hearing this, the passenger went bright red and shouted,“DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”At which, the check-in guy reached for his microphone and an-nounced to everyone, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a gentle-man at the check-in desk who doesn’t appear to know who he is.If anyone can help, please come forward. Thank you.”Of course, everyone thought this was absolutely hilarious, except

Plane StoriesFind out what was wrong with a mysterious man travelling from Manchester airport, why one man sued anAmerican airline, and what happened to a Scotsman who thought he was on his way to Glasgow.

CD track 5southern Englishmanand Welshman

the passenger who swore at the check-in guy.“I’m sorry you feel like that about my mother, sir; but you’ll haveto stand in line.”I felt like cheering. What a hero!

Mr FatJohn was working as ground staff in Fresno airport when hehad to deal with an angry passenger.This guy came up to me all angry and said, “When I checked inwith your airline in Chicago, they put a tag on my luggage thatsaid FAT,” the passenger began. “I know I’m overweight, but doyou really need to classify your passengers in this humiliatingway?”I took a couple of seconds to control myself, then desperatelytrying not to laugh, I informed the irate and rather plump pas-senger that the city code for Fresno is in fact FAT, and that theairline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

Mr DeceasedFreddy remembers a very unusual passenger.I was working as ground staff in Manchester airport when thisfamily turned up. They were pushing an elderly man in a wheel-chair. They told me that he was their grandfather and that he wasfeeling unwell and was very tired. “That’s OK, if you require anyfurther assistance, please let us know,” I told them.But when staff at the security search point went to check theman, they realised that he was in actual fact dead. It turned outthat the family were trying to send their grandfather home forburial, but since the cost of sending the dead body in a coffinwas so great, they’d come up with the idea of sending him asa normal passenger as the ticket was cheaper. What a way to go!


to sue vbto start a legal process againstsomeonedressed as expif you are “dressed as” a duck, youare wearing a costume that makesyou look like a duckquack, quack expthis is the noise that ducks maketo pluck up the courage to dosomething expto find the confidence to dosomething difficulta fancy-dress party na party with people dressed in funnyor historical clothesa bet nif you have a “bet” with someone,you play a game with someone. Thewinner gets a sum of moneythe upshot is expthe result is that…a drunken guy na man who has drunk a lot of alcoholto stagger vbto walk from side to side and withoutcontrolan aisle na corridor in an airplaneas luck would have it expluckily; fortunatelywhat time are we due into…expwhat time are we expected to arriveat…to check in phr vbto register your bags before going onan airplaneto rush up phr vbto move somewhere quicklya line na line of people waiting to be servedto swear at someone expto say a rude or insulting word tosomeoneto cheer vbto shout happily; to clap (hit your

hands together many times as a signof appreciation)ground staff nairline staff who work in the airporta tag na little piece of paper or plastic on abag with flight information on itoverweight adjfatplump adja bit fatto turn up phr vbto arriveto turn out phr vbif something “turns out” a particularway, it happens like that in the enda burial na ceremony in which a dead personis placed in the grounda coffin na container for a dead bodyto come up with an idea expto think of an ideain litigation expif you are “in litigation” with someone,you are involved in a legal processagainst that personan elbow nthe joint in the middle of your armto pin something to anotherthing expto hold something against anotherthingan obese passenger na very large passengerto board vbto go on a planehuge adjvery bigsweat nliquid that comes out of your bodywhen you are hotgross adjdisgusting, horrible, revoltingto heal vbto cure

Mr InjuredFrank Brown is currently in litigation with an American airline.I spent most of my two-hour internal flight in great pain. I washeaded for the west coast and my elbow was pinned to an arm-rest by an obese passenger who was sitting next to me.What made me really angry was the way that the cabin staff treatedme. Minutes after I boarded, this flight attendant told me I had tomove somewhere else, and I stupidly obeyed. My new seat wasnext to this obese man, who was occupying not only his own seatbut half of mine too. This was a huge human being, and he waspressing down on me with his full weight for the duration of theflight. When I got to San Francisco, my elbow was hurting, and Iwas wet from the man’s sweat. It was a really gross situation.As part of the compensation, I asked the airline to provide me witha temporary employee to assist with my computer work while theinjury healed. But they refused. And that’s why I’m going to suethem. I think they deserve to be taught a lesson.


Iona Dildo

Address: It depends who I go home with.Los Angeles, California

Telephone: 531 80 08 69 69 Date of Birth: 25. 12. 1976

Marital Status: divorced (6 times) Nationality: Swedish

Employment History:2002-2005 Film actress, Horny Teens Adult Film Production

Company.• Performing in high quality artistic films.• Working closely with inexperienced teenage performers.• Giving advice on venereal health problems.

2000-2002 Marketing advisor, Absinth Alcopops Ltd.• Leading an aggressive marketing campaign.• Successfully targeting young and vulnerable people.• Making it ‘cool’ to be drunk.

1998-2000 Masseuse, Mr Slippy’s Executive Sauna.• Helping businessmen to relieve stress with massage and

relaxation techniques.

Qualifications:B.A. Honours in Marketing, University of Stockholm (1998).Swedish High School Leaving Certificate (1995).25 metres Swimming Badge (1984).

Other Information:My birthday is the 25th December, that’s the same day as Jesus!I love kids. I babysat my friend’s five-year-old son once, we went to seeThe Exorcist.

References:Available upon request (I’ll get my friends to write some bullshit).

If you…· are a high energy individual with a vision and

a passion for working with children andteenagers.

· would like to join a team of committed,dynamic and fun people who love servingGod,

· would enjoy living and working in beautifulSouthern California on the Pacific Coast,

then we ask you to consider applying for the positionof Children’s Pastor at Hope Church in SouthernCalifornia. The details of the position and how toapply are shown below...

In each issue of Objectif English we show you how to write CVs, cover and application letters,business letters and other important documents in English.Watch out for the strange characters who are looking for new jobs.

The job advertisement

Dots called bullet points are used in thisadvertisement. It makes the ad easier to readand separates the most important points.

Advertisements specify the kind of person theywant, but at the same time try to make the jobseem as attractive as possible.

The job that is advertised is for a Sunday schoolteacher: somebody who works for a church andteaches children and teenagers aboutChristianity.

The resume/CVThe applicant is an ex-pornstar called Iona Dildo.

Make your name stand out from the rest of thetext: you want employers to remember who thatexcellent CV belongs to.

Another way to make your CV more recognisableand human is to add a passport-style photo ofyourself. This is not essential, but more and moreemployers are asking for this.

Give your potential employer as many ways tocontact you as possible; if you have a mobilephone number or email address you should putit on your CV.

Employers normally ask for two references. Youshould try to include names, addresses andcontact numbers for referees, although somepeople prefer to give this information later.

List your employment with dates, job title andmain duties or responsibilities, starting with themost recent. Try to make your experience seemrelevant to the job you are applying for.

Other Information is a good place to mentionskills that make you suitable for the job.


BIRMINGHAMBIRMINGHAMWherever I may

Can this really be Birmingham, birthplace of the industrial revolution?

WELCOME TO BIRMINGHAM, UK…the second largest cityin England, and the most ambitious one!

Birmingham has come a long way, going from an industrial city to abright new corporate and exciting environment. The major makeoverthat started 15 years ago is finally paying off, shedding its skin touncover a cool, fun and exciting place where you want to be. Londonwatch out!

Melting pot

Like many other world class cities, Birminghamis coloured with many different people, from allaround the globe. This diversity brings a niceatmosphere where everyone seems to be ableto live peacefully. One of the best things thatcomes from such a mix is the food!!! The city isknown as the curry capital of the UK. If you likeIndian or Chinese food, you wil l loveBirmingham…

The Venice of the UK

The first time visitor will be surprised to discover that Birmingham is slashed withmiles of canals going through a large part of the city, earning it the nickname ofVenice of the UK.The canal banks have become restaurants and hip clubs, and real estate paradisefor new owners who are now living in state of the art complexes and penthouses,overlooking the coolest neighbourhoods.

Capital of gentlemen’s clubs

Another interesting side of Birmingham is the numberof gentlemen’s clubs that the first time visitor willfind. What is a gentlemen’s club? A strip club ofcourse!Did you know that some of the largest strip clubs inthe world are… in Birmingham? Well now you know.This exquisite tourist attraction will give a senseto a boring business trip or a lame studentexchange, I am sure.

Student life

A city without students is not a city. Well, Birminghamdoes not have that problem since the students thereare very well represented. The city hosts some ofthe biggest universities in the UK, with aninternational reputation. The students find inBirmingham everything they need, and wheneverthey want. They like to go out on Broad Street, whereclubs and bars welcome them and their wildbehaviour… if you are looking for a fun night out,you should definitely take a walk along the canals…

Exhibits and major events

Like other major cities, Birmingham welcomesloads of international events. The NEC is theperfect concert venue and one of the mostprestigious in the country, as is the ICC, wheremusic lovers will always find their favouritebands. Of course, some events will only attractgenuine Brits, dog shows and other crap likethis, but in general, the first time visitor willalways find something great to do or see.

Statue takes a bathPretty, isn’t it? And look, it doesn’t rain all the time either

Shopping at the futuristic Bullring Centre


shed one’s skin expto change one’s image (normally for the better)bank npiece of land immediately next to a river, canal,etc.hip adjcool, fashionablestate of the art expbest and most modernpenthouse nA luxury apartment in a high rise buildingcomplex na group of buildingsstrip club na club where people dance and take theirclothes off for moneyexquisite adjextremely beautifullame adj informweak, feeble, patheticwild adjuncontrolled, unrestrainedbehaviour nway of acting/conducting oneself

loads na large amountdog show nevent where people take their dogs and decidewhich is the best onecrap n RUDEfaeces/something badmelting pot na mix of people from lots of different racesand culturesthe globe nthe worldget laid exp informto have sexual intercourse with someoneinvest vbto put money into something in hope that itwill become more valuable in the futureregeneration nmaking something new again and improvingitroam vbwander, walk aimlessly or with no destination

Birmingham is the city of the famous JRR TOLKIEN, writer of theLord of the Rings Trilogy.

Birmingham is where Aston Martin and Jaguar cars are built.

The British government has invested more than 80 billion poundsin the regeneration of Birmingham over the past 15 years.

DID YOU KNOW?

roam… GLOSSARY

In short, Birmingham is definitely a city where you should stop, ortake a trip to. You will be surprised, excited, you might get laid ifyou are lucky, and you won’t spend as much money as you wouldin London for the same amount of FUN!! Next month, we will roam in another great city:

SAN FRANCISCO, USA


Punk was a musical and social movement thatstarted in the 1970s. You may have heard of somepunk groups such as The Sex Pistols, The Clashand The Damned. Who were the punks? Whatdid they want? And what did they do?

CD - track 6 - Scotsman

HistoryPunk started in England during the 70s when punk music becamepopular. There were many groups at this time playing loud, fast,angry music, but the most famous was the Sex Pistols, who weremanaged by Malcolm MacLaren. Other famous punk bands includethe Clash, the Damned and Siouxie and the Banshees.

ClothesAt first, the basic idea was to look as different as possible. Somepunks were very original. As one of them remembers:“We used to wear dresses with plates covered in ketchup,” saysLora Logic, the saxophonist with the punk group, X-Ray Spex.But eventually, punks developed their own special look with spiky,dyed hair, ripped jeans with lots of safety pins, dog collars,piercings, tattoos and Mohican hairstyles.

MusicPunk music was hard, fast and furious. The lyrics were all aboutanger and destruction. The best way for punks to appreciate thismusic was to go to a concert. The atmosphere there was violentand the musicians often smashed their guitars during the concerts,set things on fire and kicked in their speakers.Punk concerts gave punks a chance to express themselves through

magazines produced very cheaply - often photocopied. These zineswere sold to friends.

The Punk LegacyYou may not think you are a punk, or know much about the music,but without punk, there would be no Sting, U2, Elvis Costello,Depeche Mode, Simple Minds, Blondie, Nirvana and thousands andthousands of other groups and singers who were inspired by thepunk movement.

Punks SpeakLet’s see what some real punks can tell us about what it was like tobe a punk in the 1970s:“In 1975 London looked like a rubbish tip, the clothes weredisgusting and everybody was listening to Abba… The Sex Pistolsseemed to challenge everything you thought.” Jon Savage, a Britishwriter.“Punk was all about having a good time.” Marion Elliot, singer andsong-writer.“We felt like we were changing the world.” Lora Logic, saxophonistfor the group, X-Ray Spex.“After leaving school we didn’t have career opportunities… Punkwas the only white soul music.” Jimmy Pursey, singer with the groupSham 69.“Our aim was to force our own working-class opinions onto theworld.” Johnny Rotten, lead singer of the Sex Pistols.

U R B A N T R I B E S

the PUNK

violence.“During our gigs the audience would throw bottles at us and attackus,” said Hugh Cornwell, the lead singer from the punk group, TheStranglers. “Nobody who booked us wanted us to play again.”During punk concerts, punk fans used to spit on the group andeach other, and throw glasses and chairs up on to the stage. Theyalso started a new, violent dance called the “pogo”. This consistedof jumping up and down continuously to the rhythm of the music.Fights often broke out as a result of the violent atmosphere.But it was exciting too. As Steve Diggle, the guitarist for the punkgroup, The Buzzcocks, said:“It was liberating to see the excitement on people’s faces.”And there were also moments of humour. “Once we connedsomeone into booking us for the Young Conservatives,” says Jean-Jacques Burnel, the bassist for the group The Stranglers.As the DJ, John Peel once said, “The great thing about punk wasthat none of the bands took themselves too seriously.”

PersonalityDeep down all punks were attention seekers. And many of themdefined themselves by their hatred of just about everything, includingthe political system, the government, their parents, school, teachers,the police and even themselves. Punks had few aspirations apartfrom hating things and spitting.

Customs & HabitsPunks spent most of the time goingto punk rock concerts, or hangingout in groups with other punks wherethey smoked, drank, swore at thepublic and had spitting competitions.Their favourite places to hang outincluded fashionable streets andshopping malls. In Boston it wasHarvard Square, and in London it wasthe King’s Road. Intellectual punksalso enjoyed writing zines, which are

ABONNEMENTSPunk JokesAnd lastly, here are some punk jokes - some of them are a bit cruel,but, hey!, punks are tough guys and gals so they shouldn’t mindtoo much, we hope:

Question: If there is a punk in the back of a car, who is in thefront?

Answer: A police officer.

Question: Three drunk punks jump off a building. One hadbeen drinking beer, another wine and anothervodka. Which one hits the ground first?

Answer: Who cares?

Question: How do you get a punk out of the bathtub?Answer: Turn on the water.

Question: How do you get a one-armed punk out of a tree?Answer: Throw him a beer.

Question: What has eight arms and can't play the bassguitar?

Answer: Squid Vicious.

Question: An apartment building in California has punks livingon the first floor and lawyers on the second floor.One day a big fire burns the building to theground. Who survives?

Answer: The lawyers. They were at work.

spiky adj“spiky” hair is hair that hassharp pointsdyed hair n“dyed” hair has been colouredripped jeans n“ripped” jeans have holes inthema safety pin na metal object that is used forholding clothes togethera dog collar na leather object that goesaround your neck - dogs andpriests (people who work ina church) usually wear themto smash vbto completely destroyto set things on fire expto burn somethingto kick in phr vbto destroy something bykicking ita gig na rock concertto book vbif you “book” a band to play aconcert, you contract them todo thatto spit vbto expel liquid from yourmouthto break out phr vbif a fight “breaks out”, itsuddenly startsto con vbto trick someone; to do so-mething dishonest tosomeone in order to getmoneyYoung Conservatives nthe Conservative party in

Britain is a right-wingtraditional political party. The“Young Conservatives” is anassociation of conservativestudentsto hang out phr vbto spend time in a place withfriends just talking and notdoing muchto swear vb (past: swore)to say taboo wordsa rubbish tip na dirty place with a lot ofrubbish (old paper, etc) in itto challenge vb to question; to attacktough adjphysically and mentally stronga guy n informa mana gal n informa womanwho cares? expwho is concerned?a bathtub nan object in the bathroom.You fill it with water, sit or liein it and wash yourselfthe bass guitar na type of guitar with four, thickstringsa squid nan animal that lives in the sea.It has 8 little legs.squid Vicious nthis is a version of the name,“Sid Vicious”. He was the bassguitarist for the punk band,the Sex Pistolsto burn a building to theground expto completely destroy abuilding with fire

G L O S S A R Y

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Adult Only Thesaurus

to masturbate

to have a wankto wankto jerk off (US)to jack off (US)to whack off (US)to toss off

euphemisms

to spank the monkeyto flog the dolphinto choke the chickento jerk the gherkinto slap one’s grannyto bash the bishopto rub the magic lampto polish one’s helmetto crack one offto have a Barclay’s Bank

female masturbating

to flick the beanto play the one string banjoto feed the ponyto click one’s mouse

The past continuous

How the fuck do you make it?

Past simple of to be + present participle

What the fuck does that mean?

infinitive: to masturbatepresent participle: masturbating

This issue: MASTURBATING. As masturbating is to sex what grammarlessons are to speaking English*, we decided to combine them.

Ihe/ she/ it was(n’t)

you masturbatingwe were(n’t)they

What the fuck is it used for?

An event in the past which went on for a period.

Example

George Michael was masturbating in a public toilet when hewas arrested by police.

The longer of two finished actions is often in the pastcontinuous, the shorter one is in the past simple.

Example (from an Alaskan hospital)

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s broken. What were you doing whenyou had your accident?Patient: I was masturbating… outside, at night time, when Ijust heard a snap.


We often use the past continuous in English when describing in stories.Let’s have a look at this in action:

A woman who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street, when a robber ran outof the bank. In the following gunfight with police, he shot the woman three times in the stomach.

At the hospital the woman was told that her babies were not hurt, and she gave birth a monthlater to two girls and a boy.

All went well for 16 years, until one day the mother found one daughter crying. “What’s wrong,dear?” she asked, concerned. “Well, I was having a piss and a bullet came out!” “Oh …” said thewoman, relieved, and proceeded to tell her daughter of that fateful day 16 years ago.

A month passed and the second daughter came to her mum crying, with the same problem. “I washaving a slash and a bullet came out!” “Not to worry”, said the mum. “I’ll explain it to you …”

Another month passed and the boy came in very worried and close to tears. The kindly mothertook the boy in her arms and asked him, “Were you doing a wee and a bullet came out, my love?Because if you did, it’s okay.” “No,” replied the son. “I was having a wank and I shot the dog!”

(*not at all the same,but better than nothing)spank vbslap, hit with open hand (usuallyon the bottom)flog vbbeat/hit with somethingchoke vbstrangle, suffocatejerk vbpull quicklywhack vbhitslap vbhit with open handbash vbhitbishop nsenior member of churchpolish vbmake smooth or shiny byrubbinghelmet nhat worn for protectionBarclay’s Bank pnfamous British bank.Rhyming slang – rhymes withwankflick vbmove something with a quickmovementbanjo nmusical instrument like a roundguitarpony nsmall horsepregnant adjhaving baby growing insidetriplet none of three children born at thesame time to the same mothergive birth phr vbhave a babyconcerned adjworriedfateful adjimportant, decisiveto be close to tears expto be nearly cryingto have a piss, to have aslash, to do a wee informto urinate

Exercise

Take the last sentence from the joke (I was having a wank and Ishot the dog). See if you can put ten other masturbatingexpressions in the past continuous. We have done three for you.If you can do ten reward yourself by having a wank.

I was masturbating and I shot the dog!I was having a wank and I shot the dog!I was wanking and I shot the dog!

12345678910


This month Simon and Paul are talking about monsters and myths.Listen to their conversation and answer these two questions. Re-member, you don’t have to understand every word in order to an-swer the questions. Just listen for the key words (the most importantwords in the conversation):

Exercise1. What two monsters or myths do they speak about?2. What is the big hairy creature in the garden?

BRITISH BAR CHAT - Monsters & Myths

Simon: Have you heard what those loony yanks are up to now?Paul: No. What’s that? What are they doing?Simon: They’ve actually hired a bloody submarine, and they’re

going to go to Loch Ness to look for the monster.Paul: Well, it’s not so stupid. Someone’s got to find it one day,

haven’t they?Frederick: Oh, no. Come on. There’s not a monster living in a lake in

Scotland. Don’t be ridiculous!Maurice: Oh come on, how do you know? I mean, some… hundreds

of people have said they’ve seen it. There’ve even beenphotos.

Frederick: No, I mean, hundreds of people say they’ve seen it, butthey all, all turned out they were drunk or they’remaking up a story for the, for the papers or somethinglike that, and all those photos, they’re all fakes, aren’tthey? They’ve been doctored or something.

Maurice: No. They’re not all fakes. One, one of them was proved tobe a fake cos someone admitted it. But, you know,generally, you know, there are two or three, you know,genuine photos.

Frederick: Nah, no, no, no. It turns out to be always something else,isn’t it? You know it’s always like a big otter or somethinglike that, or a tree trunk or it’s just a big wave or something.

Maurice: No, you’re, you’re just so cynical. It’s like the same with thebig cats in England.

Frederick: What, what big cats? There are no big cats in England.Maurice: People were claiming to have seen large, very, very large

cats. Dangerous, you know, large beasts in England. Andno one had any photos, of course, and then no one be-lieved it. But then in the end, it turned out to be true. Therewere [it’s true?] large, wild cats in England, yeah.

Frederick: Nah.Maurice: Yeah, yeah. There, large wild cats that were going round

eating other smaller, not so big cats.Frederick: Yeah but any, anyway, a cat, you know, so you’ve got a big

cat or a little (mumbling) but that’s one thing. But a, buta bloody great monster, well that’s something else, living ina loch in Scotland. No, that’s ridiculous!

Maurice: No, it’s completely true. There’s proof. There’s proof writ-ten here. There’s photos, people have said they’ve seen it.

Frederick: Oh, my God! What’s that big, hairy creature in thegarden?

Maurice: Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s my dad just doinga bit of gardening.

CD - track 7

A N S W E R S

1. They talk about the Loch Ness Monster from Scotland,and big cats in Britain.

2. The big hairy creature in the garden is one of thespeaker’s fathers.

loony adjcrazy, mad, insanea yank n informan Americanup to expif someone is “up to” something,they are doing somethingto hire vbto pay money to use somethingfor a limited period of timebloody adj RUDEthis word is used to show youare angry or frustratedI mean expthis is often used to change thedirection of your conversation,or to introduce somethingimportant that you are about tosaythere’ve contractionthere haveto turn out phr vbif something “turns out” a parti-cular way, it happens in that wayin the endto make up phr vbto inventa fake na copyto doctor vbto alter or change something

cos abbr informbecauseyou know exppeople often say this to checkthat the other person isunderstandingnah expthis is a way of saying “no”like exppeople often use this word whenthey are thinking about what tosay next. It is used to fill spacein a conversation and it doesn’tmean any-thingan otter nan animal that lives next torivers. Otters build dams acrossthe rivera tree trunk nthe main column of a treea wave nan area of high water in the sea.“Waves” often break on thebeachto mumble vbto speak in a soft, quiet way thatis difficult to understandproof nevidencehairy adjwith a lot of hair on your body

G L O S S A R Y

Conversational crap from native speakers


US BAR CHAT - Golf Is BoringMore conversational crap from native speakers

Thurston: Did you see the golf tournament this past weekend?Greg: Man, I tried, but I kept falling asleep.Thurston: Why was that?Greg: Ah, golf’s pretty boring to me.Thurston: Are you kidding me? Did you see that birdie Tiger

Woods chipped in from the sand trap?Greg: Sorry, I guess I missed that one.Thurston: How about that 350-yard drive from Sergio Garcia.Greg: I guess I missed that one too.Thurston: So, what did you see?Greg: Well, I saw a lack of contact, a bunch of guys in

funny outfits trying to get a small ball in a small hole,and, er, pretty much a reason to fall asleep on thecouch.

Thurston: [You’re] so ignorant, golf is one of the major spectatorsports in many countries and it brings in a shit loadof money, and it takes patience, skill and it’s a greatway to do business.

Greg: Er, seems rather frustrating and pointless to me.Thurston: Frustrating and pointless?Greg: Well, I guess I could maybe see where you’re

coming from.Thurston: Er, well I could see you wanting to get away from the

wife and kids for the weekend.Greg: Er, I guess I see what you’re saying.Thurston: So, do you want to hit the links this weekend?Greg: Sounds great, man, I’ve got the in-laws coming to

town this weekend.

This month we are going to listen to two young Americans, Greg andThurston, talking about golf. Listen to all the conversation and answerthese two questions:

Exercise1. What words does one of the speakers use to describe golf?2. What arguments does the other speaker use to defend golf?

CD track 8

A N S W E R S

1. One of the speakers describes golf as boring,frustrating and pointless.

2. The other speaker says that golf is a major spectatorsport, it brings in lots of money, that it takespatience and skill and that it is a great way to dobusiness.

man exp informthis is used to refer to someone inan informal wayto kid vbto jokea birdie n Golfto hit the golf ball and make it go inthe hole in one less than the stan-dard number of times. Example: thehole is a par 4, you get it in 3 shotsto chip in phr vb Golfto hit the golf ball gently with theclub and make the ball go ina sand trap n Golfan area on a golf course with a holewith sand in it. A “bunker” in BritishEnglishto guess vbto thinkto miss vbif you “miss”, you are unsuccessfuland the ball doesn’t go in the holea yard na yard is about 90 centimetresa drive n Golfthe first shot a golfer makes fromthe tee

a bunch of guys expa group of menfunny outfits nfunny clotheser expthis is the noise that people makewhile they are thinking what to saya couch na sofaa shit load of exp RUDEa lot ofpointless adjwith no meaning, with no objective,with no interestI could maybe see whereyou’re coming from expI think I understand what you aretrying to sayto hit vb informto go tothe links n Golfa golf course by the sea that is oftenvery windythe in-laws nyour wife or husband’s parents:mother-in-law; father-in-law

G L O S S A R Y


“I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for thosemeddling kids” is a quote that is often associated with baddiesfrom the children’s cartoon Scooby Doo. When a mystery wassolved the unsuccessful villain (usually badly disguised as a ghost)blamed his failure on Scooby Doo and his friends. In each issuewe tell you true stories about criminals that failed because theywere unlucky, thought-out their plans badly or were just plainstupid. Look for the comments from our resident Master Criminalwho explains how to commit crime properly.

A man from Nanjing City in China spent a day at home drinkingon his own. By the evening he was both drunk and hungry.He felt depressed when he realised that his meal would be a plateof fried peanuts.Through the window he saw his neighbour’s black dog in thebackyard. The dog was enjoying its rich dinner, a piece of porkshank.Jealous of the meal it was eating, the man sneaked up on thedog and tried to snatch the meat. Neighbours heard thecommotion and came running as the man attacked the dog, whofought back to protect its food. The neighbours rushed the manto hospital with a badly injured right hand that had been bittenby the dog.It was reported that the man complained to hospital doctors thatthe dog ate better than him and asked if he could have somethingto eat!

This man is a terrible thief, I wouldhave done things differently:

a) I always use a cricket bat when Iattack dogs. You can use a knife butI find it’s too messy.

b) Steal food from people, theyusually have nicer food than dogs.

You’ve made a dog’s dinner of that!

Comments from the Master Criminal


In the United Kingdom, like many countries, most activitiessurrounding prostitution are illegal. An Act of Parliamentwas made in 1959 to forbid prostitutes from solicitingpotential customers “In a street or other public place”. Thispresented a big problem for advertising in the industry.However, six women from one particular red light districthad an excellent idea. They knew that when a law is writtenit must be done very carefully so that it can be followedliterally. The prostitutes started soliciting from inside a privatebuilding by calling to men from a balcony or through awindow and sitting at a window tapping on the glass. Whenone of the prostitutes was prosecuted for breaking thelaw it did not seem possible that she could be found guilty.It looked certain that the defendant would win her casebecause she was in a private building and not a “Street orother public place”. Unfortunately for her, the judge did notagree and decided she was guilty. He said that the Act wasintended to enable people to walk along the streets withoutbeing bothered or solicited by prostitutes. This case, Smithvs. Hughes 1960, became very famous and importantbecause it meant that judges didn’t have to follow lawsword for word anymore. This is called the mischief ruleand can be used if the words in an Act do not stop themischief it was intended to prevent.

Personally, I never go to prostitutes because I don’t like topay for anything, but this is probably not the first northe last time that a prostitute has been fucked by a judge.Here is my advice to:a) Prostitutes – For advertising… I don’t know, why not putan advert in Objectif English? If I were you I would changejobs; prostitution sounds rubbish and not very safe to me.b) Punters – If prostitutes don’t tap on their windowsanymore why don’t you walk down the street tapping onevery window and waving your money? There might beprostitutes inside…

A hold-up was carried out in a Los Angeles conveniencestore by an armed man wearing a pair of tights as a mask.The robber forced the cashier to give him all the money inthe till and the safe, getting away with $4,000 in cash.Shop staff and customers gave descriptions to the policebut did not see the robber’s face properly because of hisdisguise. However, a woman who was standing outside sawthe man’s face as he was putting the tights on his head.She gave a detailed description to the police. They soonarrested a man who fitted the description and was alreadywanted for other crimes. The witness was asked to cometo the police station to identify the suspect. The policearranged a line-up and asked each man to repeat thewords, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”. When therobber heard this he shouted, “That’s not what I said!”Everyone stared at the man in disbelief, he later pleadedguilty to the robbery.

mischief nharm, injury, bad thingto prevent vbto stoprubbish/rubbishy adjnot very good, badpunter ncustomerthis is probably not the first nor the lasttime expthis probably happens quite oftena slip of the tongue nwhen you say something accidentallyhold-up n(usually armed) robberyconvenience store na shop that sells everyday goods and is near towhere people live or worktights na piece of clothing that is worn on the legs,usually under a skirttill na drawer where money is kept in a shopsafe na (metal) box where money is kept and can belockedwitness na person who is present when somethinghappenssuspect na person that the police think has committed acrimeline-up na selection of people who look similar assembledby police so that a witness can identify a criminalto plead guilty nto say you have committed a crime (in a courtof law)lost for words expif you are lost for words you don’t know whatto saymoron nan idiot, very stupid or thoughtless person

baddy nbad person, criminalvillain nbad person, criminalto think out phr vbconsider carefully, planjust plain advsimplydog’s dinner nmess, errorshank nlegto sneak up on someone phr vbto approach someone secretlyto snatch vbtake quickly or unexpectedlybitten past ptpto bitewindow shopping nlooking at displays in shop windows withoutbuying anythingillegal adjagainst the lawAct of Parliament na law decided by members of parliamentto solicit vbto ask for, to look forto prosecute vbto accuse, to bring to courtto break the law expto do something against the lawguilty adjat fault, responsibledefendant naccused personcase ncrime being investigatedword for word adjusing the exact wordstrial na procedure to decide if a person has committeda crime

Window shopping

I’m almost lost for words. A life of crime is not for morons!Anyway, here is my advice:a) Avoid letting witnesses see your face. Alternatively, youcould wear a mask all the time, even when you go to bed.That way nobody will know what you really look like. Then,you can take your mask off when you commit crime and thepolice will never find anybody who fits your description.b) Don’t worry about line-ups. You can kill the witnesseswho identified you before your trial begins.

A slip of the tongue

To send us your funny crime stories em

ail the Master Crim

inal atthis address: m

astercriminal@

objectifenglish.com


Generating InterestMost Hollywood marriages start with a news story. Typical examplesinclude photos of couples kissing on a Colorado ski slope, dancingin a New York City disco or being romantic in a Hollywood restaurant.At first, the couple denies they’re together so people will be moreinterested and spend ten bucks to watch their bad movies. Finally,the couple will admit to the relationship and take the walk downthe aisle. Then, the fun begins.

Show Me the Money!In Hollywood, preparing a marriage ceremony is expensive. WhenJennifer Aniston married heart-throb Brad Pitt, the entire nationknew. The $1 million wedding ceremony was covered in everymagazine and newspaper from Vogue to the New York Times. Thecouple paid $100,000 forsecurity, $75,000 for flowers,and $20,000 for thefireworks. At the weddingthere were two hundredguests, 50,000 flowers, 4bands, a gospel choir and a 12-year-old who impersonatedFrank Sinatra.

Private AirplanesOne of the mostexpensive weddingswas Catherine Zeta-Jones’ marriage toMichael Douglas.The entireevent cost

almost $2 million, the wedding photos alone cost $60,000 and thedress nearly $100,000. Douglas hired 40 security guards to protectthe guests. The seven-course meal included lobster, Welsh lamb andfoie gras. Singers Tom Jones and Gladys Knight were both flown inon private airplanes to sing. Zeta Jones’ entire family, who live inWales, also arrived in private planes.Three hundred and fifty people came to the wedding, including StevenSpielberg and Meg Ryan

Coke & Swimming PoolsThese days no one in Hollywood gets married without a contract.These legal documents describe the “rules” of the marriage and whatpenalties there are for breaking the rules. For instance, if MichaelDouglas cheats on Catherine Zeta-Jones, she receives $3.4 million.When actress Melanie Griffith married Miami Vice actor Don Johnson,they signed an agreement which stated that Melanie could not puton any weight. However, there was nothing in the contract aboutsnorting coke, heavy drinking or shagging in swimming pools,which is what happened. Some say these acts were responsible forending the marriage.

Confused Women & George ClooneyThese days it’s hard to find a celebrity who’s only been married once.Actress Drew Barrymore is getting married for the third time. Herfirst marriage lasted 19 days. Her second marriage only five months.By the time magazines published photos of her first marriage, itwas already over.One magazine reports that Drew Barrymore is going to marry

her next husband, the drummer from the Strokes, inGeorge Clooney’s Italian villa. Many confused womenwonder why she doesn’t just marry George Clooney.Cary Grant, famous in the ‘50s and ‘60s for roles inHollywood classics like North by Northwest, wasmarried five times. All of his marriages were short.

Hollywood insiders say one of the reasons Granthad so much trouble staying married withwomen is because he didn’t like them.Apparently, his longest relationship waswith a man named Randolph Scott. Theylived together for ten years.Actress Elizabeth Taylor is the queen ofHollywood marriages. She’s been marriedeight times, including two marriages toactor Richard Burton. Hollywood insiderssay her ninth marriage will probably beto a roast chicken.

Divorce Hollywood StyleCelebrities are ugliest when they divorce.

When Steven Spielberg fell in love with hissecond wife, he had to pay $110 million to

his first wife, Amy, in order to get rid of her.“When Steven left me,” Amy explained, “I had

CelebrityMarriagesHollywood marriages are usually short, but full of scandal. What can you expect to find at a Hollywood celebritywedding? And why do the marriages last such a short time? By Michelle Smith

CD track 9 - American woman

V.C.


no reason to go on with my life. But the Malibu mansion, privateBoeing jet and lifelong supply of Russian caviar helped convince methat life was worth living.”One of the most famous recent divorces was between Tom Cruiseand Nicole Kidman. Tom divorced Nicole right before their ten-yearanniversary. According to a prenuptial agreement, Tom would havehad to give Nicole much more of his fortune if they had passed theten-year mark.When Mick Jagger got divorced, he had to pay American modelJerry Hall $12 million. Jerry went on to continue her modelingcareer; and Mick went on to screw anything that moved.Zsa Zsa Gabor, one of the only film stars who married more timesthan Elizabeth Taylor, once described herself as a “marveloushousekeeper”:“Every time I leave a man,” she said, “I keep his house.”

HeroinHollywood is also famous for producing weird couples. PamelaAnderson, the gorgeous, blonde sex symbol is a prime example.She married Tommy Lee, the drummer of a heavy metal band andfamous heroin addict. At the time many people were confused. First,there were Pam’s allegations that Tommy beat her up. He spentsix months in jail. Then, Pam told the world that Tommy had givenher hepatitis:“Sometimes I ask myself, what was I doing with a drug-addicted,low-class, abusive, stupid piece of trash like Tommy? But I’mdifferent now. That’s why I’m marrying Kid Rock.”

to last vbif something “lasts” a shorttime, it is finished in a shortperiod of timea ski slope nan area on a mountain whereyou can skito deny vbto say that something isn’ttruea buck n US informa dollarto walk down the aisleexpto get married. The “aisle” isthe corridor in a church orplanea heart-throb nan attractive man or womanthat many people loveto cover vbto write an article aboutfireworks nobjects that explode in theair with lots of colour andnoiseto fly in phr vbif someone “flies you in” toa place, they pay for a planeto take you to that placeto cheat on phr vbif you “cheat on” you partner,you have sex with someoneelseto snort coke expto consume cocaine throughyour noseheavy drinking ndrinking a lot of alcoholto shag vb informto have sex with

a drummer na person who plays the per-cussion in a bandan insider nsomeone with confidentialinformationugly adj (ugliest)not attractiveto get rid of someone expto do something to makesomeone leave youlife was worth living explife had a purposeto screw vb informto have sexa housekeeper na servant who lives in ahouse and is responsible forthe cleaning, etcweird adjstrange, unusualgorgeous adjvery attractiveto beat up phr vbto hit many timestrash n USsomething of no value.“Rubbish” in British Englisha wild beast nan animal that is notdomesticateda publicity stunt nan act that is designed tocreate publicity for youyuk exclan expression that peopleuse when they thinksomething is horribleto dangle vbto holdunder the spotlight expif you are “under the spot-light”, you are the centre ofattention

GL

OS

SA

RY

ChimpanzeesThe strangest event in Hollywood history, and perhaps thehistory of mankind, was Michael Jackson’s marriage to LisaMarie Presley. The King of Pop became the husband ofElvis’ daughter and the world was never the same. Theygot married in 1994 in the Dominican Republic. Elizabeth Taylor wasthere, as well as a number of chimpanzees, llamas and other wild beasts.Most people believed the marriage was just a publicity stunt. However,the couple later appeared on television to declare that they were in loveand were trying to have a child. Then, they kissed (with tongues!) at anMTV awards show. Yuk!“Just think,” Jackson once said, “nobody thought this would last.”It didn’t. 20 months later they separated. Jackson went on to have achild with another woman, make terrible records and dangle childrenfrom hotel windows; and Lisa Marie went on to have an affair with actorNicolas Cage, who she described as “actually human”.

Causes & EffectsSo why do these marriages last such a short time? Marc Malking, thecontributing editor to New York magazine explains: .“Many celebrity marriages don’t last because there’s so much mediaattention given to them. Everyone wants to know every single detail aboutthat marriage, so these stars are under the spotlight the whole timeand the pressure just gets to be too much.”So, if you’re famous, think hard before considering marriage.


Telephone conversations to help improve your listening skills.Here are some crank calls - those funny telephone calls that are designed to wind people up.

Have fun listening to these two. (US English spelling)

Crank Call IIThe AstronautFor this call we phoned up the National Aeronautics and SpaceAdministration (NASA) in America with an unusual request. Listento the conversation and answer this question:What does the caller want?

Victim: National Aeronautics and Space Administration,how can I help you?

Hot: Oh, hello. Is that NASA?Victim: That’s right. How can I help you?Hot: Oh, good. Is the centre open for visitors?Victim: Yes. It’s open 9-5 daily.Hot: Mmm… interesting. Do I have to bring any equipment

with me?Victim: This is a museum, sir.Hot: Yeah, but what about the space missions?Victim: The centre has information on all missions currently

undertaken.Hot: But don’t I have to do some kind of training?Victim: Sir, this is an information centre, there are no missions.Hot: I heard you were looking for astronauts…Victim: Sir, this is a museum for visitors.Hot: But I wanted to go on one of those missions.Victim: You’ll have to apply through the correct channels.Hot: So, I can’t be an astronaut. I’ve always wanted to be

one.Victim: Check out the website for more information. Have a

nice day, sir.

Crank Call IThe Video Game

For this call we calledup a video store tocomplain about agame we had boughtthere. Listen to theconversation andanswer thesequestions:1. What is theproblem with thegame?2. Why do we keep“dying”?

Victim: Hello, Video Games R Us. How can I help you?Hot: Hi, I recently bought a video game from you, but it

doesn’t work.Victim: What seems to be the problem with the game?Hot: It just doesn’t work. Can I get a new one?Victim: I can’t authorize giving you a new game until I know

what’s wrong with the one you bought.Hot: Oh, well, my character keeps dying.Victim: I see.Hot: Yeah, I’m trying to play the game, but then these ninjas

keep killing me.Victim: Uh, huh.Hot: Yeah, they’re on fire, and they come from all over

the place. It’s really annoying.Victim: Right.Hot: So, when can I pick up my new game?Victim: There’s nothing wrong with the game that you have.Hot: What do you mean? I keep dying.Victim: Well, sir, perhaps we can interest you in a different type

of game.Hot: I tried everything. They run at me and start whacking

me with their swords, and I scream at them to stop,and they just keep hitting me until I die.

Victim: MmmHot: So, after I scream and scream, I just die. This must

have happened about 20 times now.Victim: Sir, try hitting some of the buttons on the controller.Hot: What’s that?Victim: It’s the device that you plug into the game system.

You know, the thing with all the buttons on it.Hot: Oh, that broke when I threw it at the ninjas. It didn’t

seem to stop them though.

CD tracks 10 to 13 - Mr Beanand American accents

CRANK CALLSCRANK CALLS

to wind someone up phr vbto irritate someone and make themangryto keep dying expto die many times during the gameninjas nsoldiers who fight by using martialartson fire expburningall over the place expeverywhereannoying adjirritatingto pick up phr vbto collectto whack vbto hita sword na long, thin piece of metal with asharp point at the end. Used forfighting

a device na general word used to refer to anelectronic apparatusto plug into phr vbto connect a device to a gamesystemequipment nclothes and other things necessaryfor doing a particular activitycurrently undertaken expif a mission is “currentlyundertaken”, it is in progresstraining nphysical and mental preparation foran activityto apply through the correctchannels expto complete the correct selectionprocess in the formal wayto check out phr vbto see

G L O S S A R Y

page 29

In the past literacy levels were a lot lower than they are today. Readingand writing were professional skills that only a privileged minority possessed.Proverbs were used as a way to pass on knowledge because they are short,simplified and easy to remember.Nowadays everyone apart from American presidents can read and write, butpeople still use proverbs to make themselves sound wise. If you learn some

proverbs you will sound fluent and wise at the same time.

www.objectifenglish.com

Don’t throw the baby outwith the bathwater.

Be careful not to throw away something good when you are throwingaway something bad.

exampleA- I think I’m going to buy a new stereo.B- Oh yeah? What’s wrong with the one you’ve already

got?A- Speakers don’t work. I’m going to chuck it out.B- Just get some new speakers, then! Don’t throw the

baby out with the bathwater, that’s just a waste.

One Eyed Simon says: This proverb was first found written in Germanin the 17th century. It was not until the 19th century that it appearedin English. This was around the same time that the British importedthe idea of washing their babies.

In the country of the blindthe one eyed man is king.

If you are not very good at something, but you are better than thepeople around you, you have a great advantage.

ExampleMy Dutch is rusty but none of my friends could speak any at all.They all had to depend on me, I suppose in the country of the blindthe one eyed man is king.

One Eyed Simon says: I went to the country of the blind but theywouldn’t let me be king. They said I had to be a one eyed ‘man’, andI’m only a one eyed fish. That’s discrimination, the blind bastards…(Sorry to all our blind readers- the editor.)

proverb na short saying in general usepossess vbhavesimplified adjcondensed, made easier(to understand)wise adjclever, experienced and knowing lots ofthingsstereo nequipment used to listen to musicspeaker nequipment that changes electronicsignals into sounds

blind adjnot able to seeDutch nlanguage spoken by people inthe Netherlandsdiscrimination ntreating people unfavourably becauseof their race, religion, sex, being a fish,etc.bastard n offensinsult to a nasty person or someone youdon’t likespilt pret/past ptp spill vblet liquid fall or run out of its container

It is no use crying over spilt milk.

It is useless to regret something that has already happenedand cannot be changed.

ExampleOh no! I’ve missed the bus! I’m going to be late forwork now…Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk,I’ll just have to catch the next one.

One Eyed Simon says:This first appeared inwritten form in the middle of the 17th centurywhen milk had just been invented. It was veryprecious, so people were naturally upsetwhen they spilt some.

Email One Eyed Simon at this address: [email protected]

page 30

ExerciseNow listen to some extractsfrom the conversation again.You will notice there are somemissing words and a beepingsound. See if you can write themissing word. The answers areon the CD.

1. This really messes _______our plans.2. I’ll phone you back _____about five minutes, OK?3. Please phone as soon ____possible.4. It’s _____ my computerdesktop.5. I think I left them _______the Inbox of my Outlookfolder.6. I knew you wouldn’t let us______.

ANSWERS1. Mr Mathews is angry that Gordon

is sick because he needssomeone to finish the report.

2. Mr Mathews wants Gordon tocome in quickly because he’sgoing away for the weekend andthe traffic is bad.

CD tracks 14 & 15

I don’t think I’ll be ableto make it in expI don’t think I’ll be able tocome to workdamn! exp RUDEthis is an expression of angerto mess up phr vbto destroy, to ruinI mean expthis expression is often usedto introduce somethingimportant that you want tosaya rough draft nan early version of adocument that is not finishedor perfecta drawer na box in a table that you pullout. You can put papers andthings in the “drawer”a desk na table in an officethat’s my boy expgood boyto let someone down expto do something that makessomeone feel angry or sad;to disappoint someone

G LO S S A R Y

A phone conversationIn this section we’ll be listening to a phone conversation. Gordon isphoning up because he is sick and can’t come into work. He talks tohis boss, Mr Mathews. Listen to the conversation and answer thesetwo questions.

1. Why is Mr Mathews angry that Gordon is sick?2. Why does Mr Mathews want Gordon to come in quickly?

(Phone rings)Gordon : Oh, hi, Mr Mathews?Mr Mathews: Yes, speaking. Who’s this?Gordon: It’s Gordon.Mr Mathews: Oh, hello Gordon. What’s up?Gordon: Sorry but I’m feeling terrible this morning and I

don’t think I’ll be able to make it in.Mr Mathews: Damn! I mean, oh, erm, are you alright?Gordon: No, it’s nothing serious, but I do feel really bad

and I need a day in bed.Mr Mathews: Damn!Gordon : Excuse me?Mr Mathews: Nothing, just talking to myself. Look, this really

messes up our plans a bit. Are you sure you’reill? I mean, it’s not that I don’t believe you, it’sjust that I was really hoping to get that reportfinished today.

Gordon : Yes, I am really ill.Mr Mathews: Damn!Gordon: I beg your pardon?Mr Mathews: Nothing. Look, I’ll phone you back in about five

minutes, OK?Gordon : Alright, but I would really like to go to bed, so

please phone as soon as possible.(34 minutes later)Gordon : Yes? Hello?Mr Mathews: Gordon? Is that you, Gordon?Gordon : Oh, yes. Hello, Mr Mathews.Mr Mathews: Right, we need to know where the rough draft

of that report is.Gordon : I think it’s on my computer desktop. It’s in a Word

file called “budget4”Mr Mathews: OK, and can you remember where the notes for

the appendix were?Gordon: Erm, I think they’re in my desk - in the bottom

drawer in a file called “Appendix”, but I’m notreally sure.

Mr Mathews: Damn! I mean, can’t you remember, man. It’sreally important.

Gordon: Erm, try the desk drawer, I’m fairly certain they’rethere. Was there anything else because I amfeeling really bad.

Mr Mathews: Just a few more things. Now, those e-mails fromHead Office with the revised figures, where mightthey be?

Gordon : Erm, I think I left them in the Inbox of my Outlookfolder. They should be in an e-mail there.

Mr Mathews: Are you sure?Gordon : Yes, I think so. Oh God, this is all far too

complicated. I think it would be easier to justcome in.

Mr Mathews: That’s my boy. I knew you wouldn’t let medown. So, we’ll be seeing you in about half-an-hour then, won’t we?

Gordon : Yes, Mr Mathews. I’ll see you then.Mr Mathews: Good, it’s just that I’m going away for the week

end, and you know how the traffic is - I’ll beleaving some time before lunch.

Gordon : Yes, Mr Mathews. I’ll be in as soon as I can, soyou can get off for the weekend.

Business Dialogues

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