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8/8/2019 Nothing Means Nothing Volume Two: the future is scary and that's why it's beautiful
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for
Dwight, Taylor, Bobby and Easton
rip
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This is volume two of my collected writing that otherwise wouldnât be published
Itâs all either from my notebook,
things Iâve posted for tumblr,
or stray documents I found on my computer
most of it was written in 2014
Christian
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Table of Contents
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when you read my poems,
I want it to feel like youâre reading a txt
where someone says âI love youâ
for the first time because
theyâre too afraid to say it irl
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ç©ăźćă
part 1
Thereâs an emotional state I feel pretty often. I try to explain it to people, but I donât know if there
are words for it. I also donât know how to describe it well, because using language for privatemental states is pretty tricky
But, it feels like a beautiful sadness, like a scary but appealing emotional clarity. It feels like a
feeling from the world, not from me, and then it radiates through me, and I empathize with the
feeling in the world
part 2 (written later)
I found a Japanese phrase that represents this idea. Itâs called âmono no aware,â which is
literally the âpathosâ (aware) of âthingsâ (mono). Itâs a dull sadness in knowing everything is
impermanent, while still feeling happiness in that moment despite the impermanence. A literary
example I found given a couple times to explain it is from the intro of âThe Tale of the Heike
Clanâ:
âThe sound of the Gion sh# ja bells echoes the impermanence of all things; the color of the s#la
flowers reveals the truth that the prosperous must decline. The proud do not endure, they are
like a dream on a spring night; the mighty fall at last, they are as dust before the wind.â
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Iâm watching Cheers and thereâs a really thought provoking joke
Cliff is talking to Coach, and heâs like âif a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?â
and Coach is like âwell how would you even know a tree fell?â
then Cliff is like âwell say I went for a walk in the woods and saw a fallen treeâ
then Coach is like, âwell maybe a beaver gnawed it downâ
really made me thinkâŠ
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My favorite aspect of snow is that the street lights reflect off of the snow, making the city lights
shine a lot brighter into the sky, and then the lights reflect a lot brighter back off the clouds. I
went outside and it doesnât even feel like night, but it also doesnât feel like day. It feels like both,
like the synthetic and the natural are two parts of the same metaphor and complete each other
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Iâve been thinking about something that made me feel really bad
I think about it a lot, but especially lately
Iâve been having flashbacks probably once an hour on average these past few days
When I was a little kid, I was at my dadâs work
At the time, he worked for a non-profit organization
where heâd do community service with juvenile delinquents
I was with them in like a big grassy field
There were a lot of garter snakes in the field
A lot of the people caught and held them, for fun I guess
So I picked up a garter snake
My dad said the right way to hold a snake is under its head,
like its âneckâ area (I donât think snakes technically have necks though)
I started liking the snake, I wanted to take it home,
but I knew that wouldnât happen
I knew it was better off in the wild
So I was holding the snake by its neck
and was talking to my dad and showed him it
Then he was like âyou should put that down soon,
holding it like that makes it hard for the snake to breatheâ
I looked down and the snakeâs face looked like it was in pure agony,
like it was gasping for breath, on the brink of death
So I set it down and felt guilty
I picture the snakeâs face in agony,
with my fingers squeezing its neck, often,
and I get the feeling like you might cry
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Towards the end of my junior year in high school, I went on a date with a girl to see Star Trek . I
asked her out, then we met up, and went to the movie on a warm, late Spring evening. It was an
adult-seeming date, in contrast to a high school-seeming dateâwhere you meet up with 8 kids
at Taco Bell and smuggle candy into the $2 theatre, then sit in the bed of a truck in a parking lot
Anyway, nothing romantic came from it. I think we hugged after, which seemed like a big
threshold then. Our legs touched in the theatre I think. But afterwards, weâd see each other at
school and say âhiâ and stuff like that and it was normal. I donât really remember Star Trek that
well, but whenever I think of it, I think of her too
I think about her in a way like âI hope sheâs having a good lifeâ
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One time in 6th grade, we were learning about Greek and Egyptian mythology. The teacher was
like âdo you know this God? do you know that God?â and I knew the main ones
He asked how I knew them and I was like âuh, because of Age of Mythologyâ and he was like
âwell, you know the right answers but for the wrong reasonsâ
what kind of bs is that? who tells that to a 6th grader? and most of all, what could be a more
practical use of mythology to a 6th grader, aside from a video game? itâs not like Iâm trying to
write a dissertation lol
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This might sound weird, but do other people feel a spatial sensation when they think? When I
think about something, I âfeelâ the thought in the way I experience a room, or a lawn, or the
woods. Usually the thought is heavily colorized too. But itâs not like I see space and colors when
Iâm thinking something, but I feel the same way when I think about ideas, as I do when I
experience a color or type of spatial arrangement
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One time I took a class on writing comic books, taught by Brian Michael Bendis. We did some
exercise in class involving pages from Joss Whedonâs âAstonishing X-Menâ. I donât remember it
exactly, but just keep that in mind.
We also made a 22 page comic, and part of the assignment was to pitch the story to the class.
There was a very old woman who was auditing the class, and her pitch was one of the most
bizarre things Iâd ever heard. I wrote her pitch in my notebook, and when I found it a year later, I
thought it was me trying to write some bizarro poem, until I remembered what it was. I wrote:
âEssentially fanfic that is Joss Whedonâs Astonishing X-Men, but the X-Men are replaced by
Betty Boop, Laurence Fishburne, and Satan, as portrayed in Passion of the Christ â
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I feel like philosophy noobs are into âexistentialismâ because people have this idea that
philosophy is about âthe meaning of lifeâ. Existentialism (as explained by Sartre at least) is the
only branch of philosophyâI would sayâthat cares a lot about that question (even though the
answer is basically âmeh, whatever you wantâ)
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I feel alone but not lonely. I feel alone, like Iâm free, like my life is teetering on an open window
sill and my life might change, in smaller ways soon and bigger ways soon (but not as soon). I
donât know what Iâm trying to say but I have a clarity in my feelings, like the aftereffect from
mood swings. I still feel sad, but in the way I used to feel sad â when the world felt beautiful
while also sad, rather than just me feeling sad
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I like consumerism
how ppl make a distinction between âcapitalismâ and âconsumerismâ ââ
first of all I think that distinction is bogus. ~thatâs so capitalist~ to look for little technicalities so
they can split hairs
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY!
I like consumerism but I donât like capitalism
I think commercials are great, they are one of the few ways common ppl experience art. And
theyâre made by ppl who wished they were artists, but are at the will of billionaires looking to
exploit common folk. I like this clash and thing itâs conducive to interesting art
tv shows are in the same situation
consumerist entertainment is a big sludge of bite-sized pieces of art that exist because of
multiple groups of ppl with different goals try to coerce the other groups in falling for their
intentions.
idk if Iâm explaining my thoughts on it that well
but you get the idea
I love that style of art
I love consumerism
but I donât like capitalism
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Dick Scobee Elementary School
The first elementary school I went to is called âDick Scobee Elementary School.â My mom went
there too, but then it was called âNorth Auburn Elementary School.â Having the name Dick in an
elementary school is unfortunate, but not as bad as another elementary school in town called
âGildo Reyâ (which kids in middle school and sometimes high school called Dildo Gay :( )
Anyway, Dick Scobee (the astronaut) was from Auburn, WA, my hometown. He died in the
Challenger explosion. Thatâs why the schoolâs mascot was the Challengers. Dick Scobee
actually attended Washington Elementary which was another elementary school in town (14
elementary schools in Auburn total). However, from what Iâve been told, they couldnât change
the name of Washington Elementary to Dick Scobee Elementary, because allegedly, you canât
change the name of a public building that has been named after someone else. This seems like
bs because the schoolâs named after the state, and the state is named after the President
The best part is that Dick Scobee Elementary has an official song by John Denver in tribute to
the Challenger explosion that they play at every assembly. Itâs called âFlying for Meâ
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I feel addicted to coffee, but not in the way people typically mean theyâre addicted to coffee
I can function without coffee rather well, considering how much I drink
I feel more addicted to the sensation of drinking something hot, that causes my body to have a
bit of a radiating feeling flowing through it
it makes my body feel real
I like how itâs passive, and letâs me feel emotions in my body
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Remember Flappy Bird? After playing Flappy Bird, I thought about games in a new way. There
are games that you get better at by developing skills, and games you get better at because the
game facilitates you getting better
For example, Flappy Bird (and chess, for example) facilitate your skill development. Also, I think
most card games work this way too, because Iâm not factoring in luck. So aside from luck, you
can only get better at a card game, even though thereâs a big margin for chance. Another good
example would be fighting video games. Or just irl fighting for that matter. Or sports lol. Most
things irl really
Then there are games like World of Warcraft, Animal Crossing, Runescape, Farmville, etc,
where the progression is artificial. Raiding in World of Warcraft isnât necessarily harder than low
level instances like Wailing Caverns or Deadmines, you just have more abilities to maintain.
WoW is often harder at higher levels, but that isnât the real challenge of it, the conceit of the
game is the time sink of progression
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something a Philosophy professor said in lecture, that I wrote down, without any context:
âIf a Rawlsian ever speaks to you, say âso?â
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In my Heidegger class I learned a lot about Kierkegaard by Heidegger extrapolating on
(sometimes stealing) Kierkegaardâs ideas
anyway, one of these ideas is about mood disorders. They both have a stoic view of mood, that
the distinction between ârational thinkingâ and emotions is made up. To them, emotions are
rational reactions, based on how our mind is working at that time
But within the context of mood disorders, you have two choices at first glance.
1. you either have to see the stoic view as false, because a disordered mood revolves around
the internal, itâs not a reaction
2. or you look at mood disorders as a defect that should be corrected (psychiatry, for example)
BUT thereâs a third idea, which Kierkegaard and Heidegger have. Basically, when you are
depressed (for example), you are not feeling depressed with a lack of external cause â which
typically, thatâs what depression is thought to be, a bad feeling caused by internal chemical
reactions
Kierkegaard and Heidegger think depression is actually a reaction to EVERYTHING and/or
NOTHINGNESS (not nothing as the lack of thing, but nothingness as a thing
And the same is true for angst, anxiety, panic attacks, mania etc etc. Itâs an anti-scientistic, and
very German philosophical position, but interesting to think about
Kierkegaard never wrote on mania because I donât think he ever felt it, but it still applies. Healso never wrote on panic. But interestingly, if you read Heideggerâs description of dread/
anxiety, itâs a lot like a description of panic attacks rather than âanxietyâ
Heidegger borrowed the terminology of âanxietyâ from Kierkegaard, even though Kierkegaard
used it in a more conventional way
An interesting footnote to thatâHeidegger originally went to a Jesuit seminary, because his
family couldnât afford university. He was kicked out for a psychosomatic heart condition. The
church then began funding Heideggerâs university education, as a consolation to being kicked
out. However, through contextual evidence, it seems his âheart conditionâ was actually a panicdisorder
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The Wind Rises and Heidegger
Iâm not going to spoil the movie, but I saw The Wind Rises while in a class on Heidegger, so I
noticed parallels. My prof lectured about inauthenticity. Heidegger juxtaposes âforgettingâ as
inauthentic, and ârepetitionâ as authentic. He borrows the idea of repetition from Kierkegaard but
changes it a lot (Kierkegaard juxtaposes repetition with recollection)
This idea shows Heideggerâs conservatism (fascism) maybe more than anything else in Being
and Time, because Heidegger claims you can either forget the cultural/social world you were
born in, or find a hero in that culture and repeat what they did. The more you apply this to the
real world, the more it becomes Nationalistic
But, it made me think of The Wind Rises, because they make it clear that Jiro has a
Heideggerian Hero. But it critiques Heidegger, because Jiroâs hero was Caproniâan Italian. His
sister even comments at the beginning on how non-Japanese he is
The big connection is they both aspire to make things fly and help people, but the implicit
connection, is actually they both built plans to kill the same people in the same war
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Graveyard (short fiction / not autobio)
An unmanageable burst of people enters at the same time. It wouldâve been a manageableburst before midnight, or even 1:00AM, when two people are working
The first guy comes to the counter. He has a 6 pack of Bud Light. He is wearing an oldSeahawks hat and a Carhartt jacket. He looks like an unjaded, conservative, late 20s white boy.He has a well hidden (but not concealed) handgun on his waist, and one of those little walkietalkies strapped to a jacket pocket. I check his ID and scan it
I wait until that guy leaves. The next kid comes up and asks for Newport 100s. I tell the kid thatthe previous guy was an undercover cop. I donât check the kidâs ID, to be internally rebellious,even though heâs clearly underage
As I get the kidâs change, a guy ran out with a 12 pack of Rainer. Right after that a woman walksin. I tell her she should chase that guy if she wants to, but she ignores me and she looks like a
junkie and she takes the largest pop cup we have, but fills it with coffee, which is ânot allowedâ
but the coffee is hours old and not warm so it doesnât matter really
As I ring more people up, I see a kid in line with a Vitamin Water and Reeseâs Fastbreak. An oldguy offers to buy his snacks with food stamps. The kid is like, âthatâs generous but it could helpsomeone else more than me.â The old guy starts yelling that the kid is on drugs. Then the oldguy tells the kid to take the food stamps and give him the equivalent cash. The kid says heâspaying with debit anyway
A woman comes up to buy a pack of Mentos, and thatâs it. She drops her change. She bendsover to pick up the change. I see four unopened cranberry juices in her purse. I call her out on itand she says she brought the juices in. I ask her to let me feel if they are cold/covered incondensation. She leaves immediately, and I shout that Iâd watch the security tapes, even
though I wonât because thereâs nothing I can do now
Then I see the old, food stamps guy walking around with a fully open messenger bag turned infront of him. I tell him itâs store policy to not have bags like that, which is technically true, eventhough we never have to enforce that rule because no one ever looks that conspicuously like athief
The kid with the Vitamin Water and Fast Break walks up and I tell him I gave my two weeksbefore my shift started that day and he says âwell thatâs goodâ
I really want to go outside and smoke, which I can, usually, when itâs this late. The sun will risein a couple hours, but thereâs still an unmanageable amount of dumbass people in here
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one time, I had 5 different dreams, 5 nights in a row, that all took place in futuristic cities,
except they were different cities in different biomes. Here are the descriptions I wrote of them:
1
an ancient building similar to Stonehenge, but less dilapidatedâyou could live in it. Thereâs an
opening that is empty and overrun with nature, in a soft grassy plain. The sunâs large and low in
the sky, but not hot. Shade from a large tree to the left of of the building. To the right is a large,
vertical cluster of buildings in the distanceâmixture of old architecture, while looking modern in
terms of verticality and construction
2
In my dream, I go to Auburn High [the high school I went to], but itâs at night, and it looks
futuristic, kind of like The Citadel in Mass Effect , but more flora. The flora is artificially placed,
growing out of metallic planters. Ramps everywhere
My friends and I vandalize something, and for some reason Zimmerman [my old principal]
blames the schoolâs activity director. Zimmerman destroys the wall we vandalized, which also
happens to be the only brick wall at school now
To vindicate the activity director, I create a blow torch with a lighter and silly string. In the dream
world, if I shoot the silly string into the blow torch, it turns into brick. But it wasnât forming and
splattered everywhere
3
a city that looked kind of like Hell, or the Nether in Minecraft. Everything is a brown cave anddimly lit. There are torches and lava falls. There are monitors, displays, and exposed wiring all
over in a very futuristic way
4
a highly industrialized city on a marshy swampland. Itâs very green and lush, because the nature
has begun taking over the city. The cityâs still very active/not abandoned, they just havenât tried
to stop the overgrowth
5
a large city built on a puffy cloud with tall white skyscrapers. A lot of gold ornament and bigwindows
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