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Ten days ago I turned 40 and CMF vowed 40 days and nights of celebration. Unfortunately ourinability in this country to cope with any snow meant a number of events had to be cancelled.However, the snow wasn't going to spoil a weekend away, sans children avec Northern Steveand CMFS. Northern Steve had turned 40 a few days before me so it was the sisters who set theagenda and booked Centerparcs in Sherwood Forest. Shamed into returning a favour, Steve andI set aside some beer money and paid for them to go to the Spa for a few hours, giving us aperfect opportunity for a cheeky football trip. Our first option was Retford United v Boston Unitedbut that fell foul of the weather on Friday, so I consulted the TBIR crystal ball and out poppedHucknall Town, which apparently was close by, but where exactly?

17 miles due south westish actually, sitting just inside the M1 north of Nottingham. Initially I wasput off as I have a deep loathing of Simply Red, and that ginger haired Manc Twat who hasruined so many good songs over the years (Money's too tight to mention, Holding back the years,Fairground, etc) and the fact that he hogs all the glory himself whilst the rest of the ground twiddletheir thumbs. You may remember me introducing you to the laminated list concept a few yearsago. Well on the reverse side is a list of 5 people that if you meet them you should be able toslap without any reproach of legal or criminal action. Mr Hucknall is number one on my list. Butwhat has that got to do with Hucknall Town? Absolutely nothing apart from whenever Imentioned it to anyone on Facebook or Twitter I received answers such as "Where's Mick?", "Is ita Fair sized Ground", and "I bet you were "Holding up the beers".

Apart from a slight Google Maps detour down a road that didn't exist the journey was notproblematic at all. There was no snow left in this part of the East Midlands, and after paying our1 to park, and 8 to enter via a clever portakabin-cum-turnstile, who should be bump straightinto - not only Dave Gamble, who was not unfortunately off to put a bet on, but into the boardroom, which was another portakabin but with Sky Sports. Hucknall Town were formed asHucknall Colliery Welfare in 1945, and played under this moniker until 1987 when young childrenstarted to question what a coal mine or a colliery was. This area was once world known for itscoal mines but today there is little evidence of any subterranean activity apart from the mole hillsthat littered the car park.

They had stints in the Midlands Leagues before reaching the Northern (now Unibond) PremierLeague in 1999, and five years later they won the league. Unfortunately their Watnall Road

ground did not meet the new Conference National guidelines so they had to move into the newlyfounded Conference North. In 2005 came their greatest moment when after beating the likes ofSouthport, Northwich Victoria, Hereford United and finally Bishops Stortford they reached the finalof the FA Trophy against Grays Athletic at Villa Park. Thousands travelled down the M1 and M42for the game and despite holding the Conference side for 120 minutes at 1-1, Hucknall lost 6-5 onpenalties. The last few years have been a bit of a struggle as they finished in the relegation zonein 2008, only to be saved by the demise of Halifax Town, but could not escape relegation lastseason.

So for the first time in their history they were relegated and dropped back into the UnibondPremier League to face the likes of Bradford Park Avenue, FC United of Manchester, BostonUnited and local rivals Retford United. This season has been a mixed bag for them. Great winssuch as the 2-1 victory away at league leaders Retford have been tempered with home defeats to

FC United and North Ferriby United. The league did initially start off as a 21 team league butKings Lynn's demise before Christmas has reduced it to 20, although with Durham City stillhanging on by their fingernails it may reduce to 19 before too long (Durham have now Played 20Lost 20 - see post here about their plight).

So we had a wander around the ground some fifteen minutes prior to kick off and counted 23other fans, most of whom seemed die hard Hucknall supporters complete with flat caps (but nowhippets in sight). The ground is basic but certainly has some unique features. A covered standruns the length of the pitch with 5 rows of seats, and at one end a space has been cleared forterracing (where the home fans congregated during the first half). Behind one goal is a covered

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shallow terrace, and then at the opposite end is an open terrace of three rows. And then youhave the other side of the ground. Here you had a series of connected portakabins, including oneon top of the other and a ladder up which must have been the executive box - it certainly offeredthe best view of the house. There is no terracing or seats on this side, just a wide path -somewhat lacking in something.

Right on queue of the teams entering the arena, the home fans piled out of the bar in the cornerof the ground, and it was game on!

Hucknall Town 5 Burscough 2 - Watnall Road - Saturday 16th January 2010Our opponents for the day were Burscough. You could ask the same "Where is?" question to thevisitors (and Northern Steve did) but being an expert at this level I knew - somewhere inScouseland....well north of Liverpool but south of Blackpool to be precise. Did you know that it isillegal for a woman to be topless unless she works in a tropical fish store? Apparently it is sodoes that mean that lapdancing or "gentlemens" bars are outlawed? Anyway Idigress....Burscough themselves had had their day in the sun when they beat Tamworth in the FATrophy final at Villa Park in 2003. So we took our place on the open terrace, the referee blew hiswhistle, I took a sip of tea and it was 1-0 to the home team. From kick off the ball found its wayback to the keeper who hoofed it long, the ball was flicked on and expertly drilled into the net byTyeisse Nightingale (for some reason called TJ). Queue ridiculous dance routine to no one in

particular in the corner.

It seemed obvious that neither team actually liked each other based on the "competitive" tacklinggoing on. The 171 fans present winced on more than one occasion, and it was in the 7th minutewhen the first casualty, Matty Parry, had to depart (along with a yellow card) when Burscough'sfull back was crunched. The First Aid team ran on and tried to assemble a stretcher that theyobviously got for Christmas and had not read the instruction manual.

We took our place next to the away dugout and listened to the dulcit Scouse tones from thevisitors bench. They were keen on "squeezing" which didn't seem to mean anything, and theywere in the linesman's face as soon as any tackle went in. They weren't happy with oneparticular challenge that went unpunished - "Linesman, your mate (the referee I assume) is asbent as Dale Winton" was the pick of the remarks. Apparently there is a rule that says only 1

person from the bench can stand in the technical area at a time. Burscough's coach stoodleaning against the dugout, and was told every minute or so by the linesman to sit down - "Calmdown son" was the standard response. Of course at this level there is no Fourth Official to policethe area.

Forty five minutes were up so we started wandering down to the bar for a well earnt pint. As wewalked behind the dugout there was a muted cheer and it appeared we had missed Burscough'sequaliser. So I cannot tell you a think about that one. But I can tell you that Talk of the Town,Hucknall's well appointed bar, is in fact Hucknall's premier night spot. The bar could have beenused as a double Sir Steve Redgrave suite in Phoenix Nights, but it served our purpose well. Pintof Strongbow for Northern Steve and a pint of Mild for me - in fact my first ever pint of Mild. And itwent down a treat. So much so we delayed our re-entrance until the 47th minute. And what didwe find? 2-2...2 bloody 2. Two goals in the first minute of the second half. One of the Hucknall

fans told us that Adrian Hawes had put Hucknall ahead and then "some bloke equalised for yourlot from kick off"...Good to see us blend in then!

Northern Steve has started a campaign which he has written to his MP about which will forcefootball clubs to serve "Chips with Gravy" at all grounds. He believes it should be part of theFootball Licensing Authority's ground grading criteria. We had already seen that Hucknall didchips , as well as "Extras" which included Gravy. We had already warned our respective CMF's(and CMN in Northern Steve's case) that on no account they should ask for Extras at the Spa asit could lead to offence and possible ejection (rather than ejaculation fnaar, fnaar). But what theydon't know can't hurt them...So we indulged, although we were disappointed to hear that there

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were no pies as "That lazy bugger thought the game would be off, and couldn't be arsed to getout of bed early enough to get them out of the freezer"..not quite sure who they were talkingabout but I assume he was in for a kicking later. Chips with gravy yes.....overcooked french frieswith gravy - a big no. The outer coating of the chips had formed a solid barrier which the gravycould not penetrate leading to some flicking accidents.

As we were trying to make sense of this chips and gravy dilemma, Hucknall only went and scoredagain. Two out of five ain't bad Meat Loaf nearly sang after Antwon Bonnick scored. Talk aboutstrange names of goal scorers - all it needed was for Reubens Wiggins-Thomas to score tocomplete the set and the lad obliged a few minutes later, slotting home from close range. Icannot see this lad making it in the Premier League with a name like that - the cost of getting hisname printed on your back would be more expensive than the shirt itself!

So with the clock running down we wandered around the ground to near the exits ready for thefinal whistle rush. The Hucknall faithful were still keeping up their noise behind the goal and thetwo away fans that we saw earlier had long since departed. There was still time for a fifth as TJNightingale ended a fine move to score a seventh goal which matched the yellow cards issued.

A great afternoon, which on reflection had little in the way of goalmouth action surprisingly but itjust went to show how much we had missed football. The girls had had a nice time too and were

already tucking into a beer or two watching the football in the bar when we got back. All weneeded for a perfect night out was for them to suggest an Indian, which they duly did...and that iswhy we all love northern woman...