None So Deaf as Those Who Won't Hear

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Title: None so Deaf as Those Who Won't HearA Comedietta in one Act

Author: Herbert Pelham Curtis

Release Date: August 22, 2013 [EBook #43536]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

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No Plays Exchanged

BAKER'S EDITION OF PLAYS

None so Deaf as ThoseThat Won't Hear

Price, 25 Cents

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANYBOSTON

Plays for Colleges and High Schools

_Males_ _Females_ _Time_ _Price_ _Royalty_ The Air Spy 12 4 1½ hrs. 35c $10.00Bachelor Hall 8 4 2 " 35c $5.00The College Chap 11 7 2½ " 35c Free



The Colonel's Maid 6 3 2 " 35c "Daddy 4 4 1½ " 35c "The Deacon's Second Wife 6 6 2½ " 35c "The District Attorney 10 6 2 " 35c "The Dutch Detective 5 5 2 " 35c "At the Sign of the Shooting

Star 10 10 2 " 35c "The Elopement of Ellen 4 3 2 " 35c "Engaged by Wednesday 5 11 1½ " 35c "The Chuzzlewitts, or Tom

Pinch 15 6 2¼ " 35c "For One Night Only 5 4 2 " 25c "Hamilton 11 5 2 " 60c $25.00Constantine Pueblo Jones 10 4 2¼ " 35c FreeExcuse Me 4 6 1¼ " 35c "The Hoodoo 6 12 2 " 35c "The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 9 9 2 " 35c "Katy Did 4 8 1½ " 35c "Let's Get Married 3 5 2 " 60c $10.00London Assurance 10 3 2 " 25c FreeLost a Chaperon 6 9 2 " 35c "A Foul Tip 7 3 2 " 35c "The Man Who Went 7 3 2½ " 35c $10.00The Man Without a Country 46 5 1½ " 25c Free

Master Pierre Patella 4 1 1½ " 60c "How Jim Made Good 7 3 2 " 25c "Just Plain Mary 7 13 2 " 35c "Line Busy 5 19 1½ " 35c "Mr. Bob 3 4 1½ " 25c "Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry

Yard 4 7 2 " 35c "Nathan Hale 15 4 2½ " 60c $10.00Patty Makes Things Hum 4 6 2 " 35c FreeProfessor Pepp 8 8 2½ " 35c "A Regiment of Two 6 4 2 " 35c "The Private Tutor 5 3 2 " 35c "The Rivals 9 5 2½ " 25c "

Silas Marner 19 4 1½ " 25c "When a Feller Needs a Friend 5 5 2¼ " 35c $10.00Sally Lunn 3 4 1½ " 25c FreeThe School for Scandal 12 4 2½ " 25c "She Stoops to Conquer 15 4 2½ " 25c "Step Lively 4 10 2 " 35c "The Submarine Shell 7 4 2 " 35c $10.00The Thirteenth Star 9 1½ " 35c FreeThe Time of His Life 6 3 2½ " 35c "Tommy's Wife 3 5 1½ " 35c "The Twig of Thorn 6 7 1½ " 75c "The Amazons 7 5 2½ " 60c $10.00The Conjurer 8 4 2¼ " 35c $10.00

BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass.

NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHOWON'T HEAR.

A Comedietta in One Act.



By

H. PELHAM CURTIS, U.S.A.,

AUTHOR OF "UNCLE ROBERT," "THE PERFECT FOX," "LYINGWILL OUT," ETC., ETC.

BOSTONWalter H. Baker & Co

_DRAMATIS PERSONÆ._

SINGLETON CODDLE.WASHINGTON WHITWELL.EGLANTINE CODDLE.JANE SMITH, A SERVANT.

_Costumes modern and appropriate._

COPYRIGHT, 1880,BY LEE AND SHEPARD.

_All rights reserved._

NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR.

SCENE.--_A parlor handsomely furnished, looking out on a garden;console in each corner; on one a lamp, a flower-vase on the other;door in flat, and doors right and left; window at right; gunstanding in corner at left; table in front, left, with magazines,paper, pens, and ink; at right, front, an easy-chair, and smallwork-table, on which is a work-basket and hand-bell._

EGLANTINE (_sits at table, reading_). Oh, what dull trash! (_Throwsmagazine down._) Ah, me! I can take no interest even in Trollope.Life is a blank. (_Comes forward._) Did ever any girl suffer as I do?Nothing to do, nobody to see,--only father to talk to, and he deaf asa post! (_Sits and looks at vase of flowers._) Well, I'll not stand

_this_. These flowers have been here four days. Disgraceful! (_Rings._)

Jane! (_Rings again. Enter JANE with a letter, in flat._) Jane, how _can_ you be so neglectful? Look at these old dead flowers. Throw themaway, and get me fresh at once.

JANE. Yes, miss. Your pa is not here, miss?

EGLANTINE (_jumps up_). No. Is it a caller?

JANE. No, miss: a letter.



EGLANTINE. Only a letter! oh, dear! Never any visitors; nothing butletters now, and none of them for me. I shall die, or go mad. (_Sits._)

JANE. Yes, miss: your pa is a very sot man, and won't never see nocompany, since he grew hard of hearing, three years ago. (_Takes theflowers from vase._)

EGLANTINE. O Jane! how can I bear it? Life is so dull, so dull!(_Sobs._)

JANE (_wiping lamp-glass_). Yes, miss. And think of me, miss: took intoservice for my voice, and obligated to holler at your pa all day long.Holler? Yes; yell and scream, I calls it.

EGLANTINE. Has nothing been heard from that aurist papa wrote to amonth ago!

JANE. No, miss; not a word. Dear, dear! I shall be a dummy in sixmonths, I'm sure. I hain't no more voice now than a frog.

EGLANTINE. Ha, ha! It's very sad, Jane. Ha, ha, ha!

JANE. Don't laugh at the misfortunate, Miss Eglantine: 'tain't lucky.

EGLANTINE. Forgive me, Jane: I didn't mean to. I believe I'mhysterical; and no wonder,--shut up by myself like this, at nineteen.

JANE. No wonder you finds it a bit dull, miss. I don't wonder atit,--not a mite.

EGLANTINE. And papa seems resolved to keep me unmarried. Half a dozenproposals already! and he's refused them all.

JANE. Yes, miss; so he have. He says regular, "Not the son-in-law forme." What kind does he expect, I wonder? A angel?

EGLANTINE. I'm afraid so, Jane. And it's got so bad that nobody now has

the courage to offer, a refusal is so certain. (_Sobs._) Or else I'msure that gentleman who danced the whole evening with me a month ago atLady Thornton's--

JANE. Yes, miss: I've heard you mention him often.

EGLANTINE. He was dying to offer himself, I'm sure, from the way helooked at me. But somebody has warned him, of course. (_Weeps._) OJane, how tedious, how tedious life is!

JANE. Yes, miss; tedious as tedious! But here comes master. Where isthat letter? Oh! here it be.

(_Enter SINGLETON CODDLE, door R._)

CODDLE (_book in hand, from which he reads._) "Deafness is one of themost distressing afflictions which can attack mankind." Ah! distressingindeed! How true! how profoundly true!

JANE (_shouts in his ear_). A letter for you, sir. (_Holds it beforehis eyes._)

CODDLE. Ah, Jane! you here? And Eglantine too. (_Takes letter._) You



needn't stick letters into my eye, Jane: you only need tell me you havethem. (_Sits._)

EGLANTINE. Possibly another offer for me. If I could only manage topeep over his shoulder!

JANE. No need, miss. He's sure to read it out. He can't never hear hisown voice, and don't know but he's reading to himself. He thinks outloud too; and I knows every thing he has on his mind. It's quite ablessing, really.

CODDLE. (_Puts on glasses; catches sight of EGLANTINE._) Tut, tut,Eglantine! Go away, child. This is for me, not you. Ten to one it'sconfidential too! (_Crosses left, and reads aloud._) "My dear Coddle,I flatter myself I have found a son-in-law to your taste at last,--anephew of mine, young, well educated, brilliant, and rich. Yours truly,Pottle."

JANE. Didn't I tell you so, miss?

CODDLE. Ah! all very well, all very well, friend Pottle; but not theman for _me_.

JANE. There, miss, just what I told ye.

EGLANTINE. I shall be in despair; I shall go crazy.

JANE. Easy, miss, easy. Don't go into no tantrums. For mercy's sake,calm yourself.

EGLANTINE. Calm myself! When life is the same dull round day after day!Calm myself! When I never see even a strange cat! Calm myself! Oh, Icannot endure it! (_Exit R., furious._)

JANE (_carrying out the vase_). Poor young critter! Her pa ain't got nosense.--Ugh! you old yaller dog! (_Exit L._)

CODDLE. Ah! deafness is indeed a distressing affliction. (_Shakeshis head. A pause._) Still every cloud has its silver side. Withoutmy deafness I never could have survived the conversation--Godforgive me!--of my poor dear wife. It killed her; for, finding meprovidentially beyond her reach, her loquacity struck in, and--thereshe was. But now an inscrutable Providence has taken her from me,(_Sighs deeply_) it would console me to hear a little. The doctorssay they can do nothing. Ignorant rascals! I wrote to a fellow whoadvertises to cure deafness instantaneously by electro-acousticomagnetism, and the impudent impostor hasn't taken the trouble toanswer. The whole world seems determined to thwart me. (_Takesbook again, and reads._) "In treating deafness, it should first beascertained whether the tympanum be thickened or perforated, and

whether also the minute bones of the auricular organ are yet intact."(_Sticks little finger in his ear._) I _think_ they're all right.(_Reads._) "And, further, be certain that the Eustachian tube is freefrom obstruction." I wonder whether my Eustachian tube is obstructed. Imust get Jane to look. I wonder where she is. Jane! (_Rings. Enter JANEL.; drops flower-pot._) Jane!

JANE. He don't hear nothing. It's quite a pleasure to smash things whenhe's round.



CODDLE. Jane!

JANE (_picks up pieces_). Bah! who cares for you? I'll answer when I'mready.

CODDLE. Jane!

JANE. Oh, call away! (_Throws pieces out of window._) Heads there!

CODDLE. Jane! (_Rises._) I must go for her. (_Sees her at window;shouts in her ear._) Jane!

JANE (_puts hands to ears_). Mercy!

CODDLE. This is the fifteenth time I've called you. Are you deaf?

JANE (_courtesies_). Yes, old wretch,--deaf when I want to be. (_Bothcome down._)

CODDLE. What do you say?

JANE. Pop, pop, pop, old bother! I'd like to wring your bothersome neck.

CODDLE. Yes, fine weather indeed. Look into my ear, Jane, and tell me

whether my Eustachian tube is obstructed.JANE. Eustachian tube? What is the old fool after now?

CODDLE. Look in. Why don't you look in?

JANE (_shouts_). What for, sir?

CODDLE. Eustachian tube.

JANE (_shouts_). I can't see nothing, sir.

CODDLE. What do you say?

JANE. Drat him! (_Shouts._) I can't see _nothing_.

CODDLE. Jane, I hope you're not losing your voice. You don't speak halfso loudly as usual.

JANE (_sulkily_). Perhaps I'd better have it swabbed out, then.

CODDLE. Luncheon's ready, do you say? Rather early, isn't it? Jane, Ilike you, do you know, because you're such an intelligent creature.

JANE (_shouts_). Yes, sir.

CODDLE. And so much attached to _me_.

JANE (_shouts_). Yes, sir.

CODDLE. Yes: a very faithful, good, affectionate servant, Jane. Ihaven't forgotten you in my will, Jane. You'll find I've got youdown there. I won't say how much, but something handsome, depend onit,--something handsome. (_Sits down, and takes up book again._)

JANE. Something handsome! Five hundred dollars! I've heard him say so



a score of times. He calls that handsome for busting my voice in hisservice. The old rat! I hate such mean goings-on. (_Cries outside._)

VOICES. Stop him, stop him!

JANE (_runs to window_). Eh? what's that? (_Gun fired under window._)

CODDLE. Yes, Jane, you'll be satisfied, I promise you. (_Another gunheard._) Heaven will reward you for your care of me, my faithful girl.(_Looks up._) Why, where the devil has the woman gone to?

JANE (_at window_). Good gracious! I say, you feller down there! Lord'a' mercy! Get away from here! This is private property.

CODDLE (_goes to window_). Why, Jane, you seem quite excited.

JANE (_shouts in his ear_). Man with a gun in your garden, smashing themelon-frames, treading on the flower-beds!--Hey, you feller! Police!(_Noise of breaking glass._)

CODDLE (_looks out_). The villain is smashing every thing I have inthe world! Another melon-frame! Jane, hand me my gun! I'll shoot therascal! (_Seizes gun, JANE takes up a broom._) Follow me, Jane; followme. The infernal scoundrel!

JANE. Drat the impident rogue! (_Both exeunt door in flat._)

(_Enter WASHINGTON WHITWELL, left, gun in hand. Slams door behindhim, advances on tiptoe, finger on trigger--glances around._)

WHITWELL. Wrong again. Not here. What can have become of the creature!(_Sets gun down._) He certainly ran into this house! Egad! whosehouse is it, by the way? Never saw a finer hare in my life. In allmy experience I never saw a finer hare! I couldn't have bought himin the market under thirty cents. (_Rises._) He's cost me a prettypenny, though. Up at six for a day's shooting. Dog starts a hare in tenminutes. Aim! Hare goes off, gun don't. Bad cap. Off _I_ go, however,

hot foot after him. He runs into a thicket. Rustic appears. I hail him."Hallo, friend! A dollar if you'll start out that hare." A dollar for ahare worth thirty cents! say thirty-five. Out he comes; dog after him.Aim again. This time gun goes off, dog don't. Shot him. Worth fortydollars. Total so far, forty-one dollars. Load again. Hare gives me arun of five miles. Stop to rest; drop asleep. Wake up, and see hare notten yards away, munching a cabbage. Gun again, and after him. He jumpsover a fence; _I_ jump over a fence. He comes down on his fore-paws;

_I_ come down on my fore-paws. He recovers his equilibrium; I recovermine (on the flat of my back). Suddenly I observe myself to be huntedby an army of rustics, my dollar friend among them,--well-meaningpeople, no doubt,--armed with flails, forks, harrows, and ploughs, andgreedy for my life. They shout; I run. And here I am, after smashing

fifty dollars' worth of glass and things! Total, including dog,ninety-one dollars, not to mention fine for breaking melon-frames bysome miserable justice's court, say twenty dollars more! Grand total,let me see: yes, a hundred and twenty dollars, more or less, for ahare worth thirty-five cents! say forty. (_Noise outside._) Ha! norest for the wicked here. (_Picks up gun, rushes for door in flat--metby CODDLE; runs to door at left--met by JANE._) Caught, by Jupiter!(_Falls into a chair._)

CODDLE. We've got the villain. Seize him, Jane, seize him!



JANE. Surrender, young man, in the name of the Continental Congress.(_Collars him, and takes away his gun._)

WHITWELL. This is a pretty fix.

CODDLE. How dare you, sir, violate my privacy? knock down my walls?smash my melon-frames? fire your abominable gun under my window, sir?

JANE. Lord 'a' mercy! The young man might have killed me. Oh, youassassinating wretch!

CODDLE. The police will have a few words to say to you before you're anhour older, you burglar!

WHITWELL. The deuce!

CODDLE. What's your name, sir?

JANE. Ay, what's your name? Tell us that. This is a hanging matter, I'dhave you to know.

WHITWELL (_stammering_). My name? er--er--Whit--no--er--mat.

JANE (_shouts in CODDLE'S ear_). He says his name is Whittermat. Furrinof course. Mercy! what an escape!

WHITWELL (_aside_). Good idea that. I'm a foreigner! I'll keep it up.

JANE. Didn't you hear me call to you, you man-slaughterer? Are you deaf?

WHITWELL (_aside_). Deaf! Another good idea. I'll keep _that_ up.

CODDLE. What does he say, Jane?

JANE. He don't say nothink, sir.

WHITWELL (_aside_). Now for it. May I ask for a bit of paper? (_Makessigns of writing._)

CODDLE. What does the scamp say?

JANE (_shouts_). He wants some paper.

CODDLE. Paper! Impudent scoundrel! I'll paper him, and ink him too!

WHITWELL. (_Sees paper on table._) Ah! (_Sits._)

JANE. He's going to write some wizard thing. He'll vanish in a flame offire, I warrant ye!

WHITWELL (_gives paper to JANE_). Here, young woman.

JANE (_to CODDLE_). Take it, sir. I dar'n't hold it. Ugh!

CODDLE. What's this? "I am afflicted with total deafness." Ha,delightful! He says he's deaf. Thank Heaven for all its mercies. He'sdeaf. Stone deaf!

JANE. Deef!



CODDLE. So you're deaf, eh? (_Points to ears._) Deaf?

WHITWELL. Third term, by all means. You're right. Gen. Grant, as yousay, of course.

CODDLE. Deaf! He is indeed. A Heaven-sent son-in-law! My idea realized!Heaven has heard my prayers at last.

JANE. Son-in-law! Mercy presarve us all!

CODDLE. Delightful young man! I must have a little confidential talkwith him, Jane. But don't you go.

JANE. A deef son-in-law! Lord 'a' mercy! must I have a pair on 'em onmy hands!

CODDLE. My afflicted friend, pray take a chair. (_WHITWELL takes nonotice._) Delicious! he don't hear a sound. (_Louder._) Take a seat.(_Shouts._) Seat!

WHITWELL (_bows_). Nothing to eat: thanks.

CODDLE. Charming! Overflowing with intellect. Never again disbelieve in

special providences. (_Signs to WHITWELL to sit down._)WHITWELL (_points to easy-chair_). After you, venerable sir.

CODDLE. The manners of a prince of the blood! Kind Heaven, I thankthee! (_Both sit._)

JANE. Deary me, deary me! A pair of posts, like, and nary a trumpetbetween 'em, except me.

CODDLE (_looks at WHITWELL_). Young man, you look surprised at theinterest I take in you.

WHITWELL. No, sir, I prefer shad.CODDLE. What does he say? (_Jumps up._) Jane, who knows but he'salready married! (_Sits, shouts._) Have you a wife?

WHITWELL. Yes, sir; always with a knife.

JANE (_shouts_). Have you a wife? A wife?

WHITWELL. All my life? Yes.

JANE (_shouts_). I say, have you a wife?

WHITWELL. A wife? No.

JANE. Drat him! he's single, and marries Eglantine for sartain.

CODDLE. He said no, I thought. (_Shouts._) Are you a bachelor?(_Shouts._) A bachelor? Bachelor? (_Projects his ear._)

WHITWELL. Yes.

CODDLE (_shouts_). What do you say?



WHITWELL (_roars_). Yes! By Jove, _he's_ deaf, and no mistake.

CODDLE. He said yes, didn't he? (_Rises._) A bachelor! Glorious!(_Roars._) Will you dine with us?

WHITWELL. Lime-juice? with the shad? delicious!

CODDLE. Dine with us?

WHITWELL. With the greatest pleasure.

CODDLE. Haven't the leisure? Oh, yes, you have! We'll dine early. I'lltake no refusal.--Jane, dinner at five.

JANE. Yes, sir. (_Courtesies._) Yah, old crosspatch! with yourprovidential son-in-laws, and your bachelors, and your dine-at-fives.

CODDLE. No, thank you, Jane; not fish-balls. Curried lamb I prefer. Go,give the order at once.

JANE. Bah! with your fish-balls and your curries. Oh, if it wasn't forthat trumpery legacy! Yah! (_Exit L., snarling._)

CODDLE. Faithful Jane; invaluable friend! What should I do without her?WHITWELL (_loudly_). My dear sir, is it possible you suffer suchinsolence?

CODDLE (_shouts_). You're quite right. Yes, a perfect treasure, myyoung friend. A model, I assure you.

WHITWELL (_aside_). Well, after that, deaf isn't the word for it.

CODDLE (_rises, shuts doors and window, sets gun in corner, then sitsnear WHITWELL. Shouts._) Now, my _dear_ friend, let us have a littletalk; a confidential talk, eh!

WHITWELL. Confidential, in a bellow like that!

CODDLE (_shouts_). I wish to be perfectly frank. I asked you to dinner,not that you might eat.

WHITWELL (_aside_). What for, then, I'd like to know?

CODDLE (_shouts_). Had you been a married man, I would have sent youto jail with pleasure; but you're a bachelor. Now, I'm a father, witha dear daughter as happy as the day is long. Possibly in every respectyou may not suit her.

WHITWELL (_picks up hat_). Does the old dolt mean to insult me!

CODDLE (_shouting_). But you suit _me_, my friend, to a T; and I offeryou her hand, plump, no more words about it.

WHITWELL. Sir; (_Aside._) She's humpbacked, I'll stake my life, adromedary!

CODDLE (_shouts_). Between ourselves, sir,--in the strictestconfidence, mind,--she will bring you a nest-egg of fifty thousand







EGLANTINE. Deaf? it's out of the question! I won't have him! I refusehim! A hundred thousand times I refuse such a husband.

JANE. Quite right, miss. He'd be the death of me. Your pa can't marryyou without your consent: don't give it.

EGLANTINE. Never! They don't know me. Cruel! cruel! (_Weeps._)

JANE. So it be, Miss Eglantine; so it be. I never see the beat on't.Better give him the mitten out of hand, miss.

EGLANTINE. Instantly, if he were here. The wretch! How dare he?

JANE. I'll call him. (_To door. Knocks._) Mr. Whittermat! I say!--He'sfurrin, miss.--Mr. Whittermat! (_Knocks furiously._)

(_WHITWELL comes out of chamber; sees EGLANTINE._)

WHITWELL (_aside_). Ha! my partner at Lady Thornton's!

EGLANTINE (_aside_). Why, this is the gentleman I danced with at SirEdward's! What nonsense is this about his being deaf? Jane, thisgentleman hears as well as I do myself. What do you mean?

JANE. Does he, miss? Reckon not. You shall see.WHITWELL (_aside_). How annoying I can't give a hint to Miss Coddle! Ifthat troublesome minx were only out of the way, now!

JANE (_in ordinary voice_). Young man, you may suit Mr. Coddle, and Ides'say you does, but you don't suit _here_. So git up and git.

EGLANTINE. Jane!

JANE. Pshaw! Miss Eglantine, he can't hear nary a sound.

WHITWELL (_aside_). _You_ couldn't, if my finger and thumb were to meet

on your ear, you vixen! (_To EGLANTINE._) Miss Coddle is excessivelykind to receive me with such condescending politeness.

JANE. Ha, ha, ha! I told you so, Miss Eglantine. He thinks I paid him acompliment, sartain as yeast.

EGLANTINE. Very strange! When I met this poor gentleman at LadyThornton's, he was not afflicted in this way.

JANE. Wasn't he, miss? Well, he's paying for all his sins now. It'sprovidential, I've no doubt.

WHITWELL (_aloud_). Pity me, Miss Coddle. A dreadful misfortune has

befallen me since I had the pleasure of meeting you at the Thorntons'.My horse fell with me, and in falling I struck on my head. I have beentotally deaf ever since.

EGLANTINE. Poor, poor young man! My heart bleeds for him.

WHITWELL. Ordinary conversation I am incapable of hearing; but you,Miss Coddle, whose loveliness has never been absent from my memorysince that happy day, you I am certain I could understand with ease. Myeyes will help me to interpret the movements of your lips. Speak to me,



and the poor sufferer whose sorrows awake your healing pity will surelyhear.

EGLANTINE. Can this be possible?

WHITWELL. You said, "Can this be possible?" I am sure.

EGLANTINE. Yes.

WHITWELL. I knew it.

JANE. The dickens! Can he hear with his eyes? (_Aside._) I hope oldCoddle won't never get that 'ere accomplishment.

EGLANTINE. Oh, how sad! What a misfortune! But a deaf husband! Oh,impossible! (_Exit slowly, I. U., much distressed._)

WHITWELL (_follows to door_). Stay, oh, stay, Miss Coddle!

JANE (_laughing_). Ha, ha! Don't flatter yourself, puppy. She's not foryou, jolterhead!

WHITWELL (_shakes JANE violently_). I'm a jolterhead, am I? A puppy, amI?

JANE. Lord forgive me, I do believe he can hear! (_Drops into chair._)

WHITWELL (_pulls her up_). Yes, vixen! For you I hear perfectly. Foryour master, it suits me to be deaf. And, if you dare to betray me,I'll let him know your treachery. I heard your impudent speeches, everyone of them.

JANE. Oh, for mercy's sake, Mr. Whittermat, don't do that! My hairwould turn snow in a single night! Think of my legacy!

WHITWELL. Silence for silence, then, you wretched woman.

JANE. Certainly, certainly, Mr. Whittermat. Besides, now you ain't deafno longer, I like you first-rate. I accept your addresses j'yful.

WHITWELL. Lucky for you, you witch.

CODDLE (_outside_). Jane!

JANE. Oh, sir, now pray be careful. He's as spiteful as spiteful. If hefinds you out, all the fat'll be in the fire.

WHITWELL. Be quite easy, Jane. To win Eglantine I'll be a horse-post, atomb-stone. Fire a thousand-pounder at my ear, and I'll not wink.

CODDLE (_outside_). Jane, Jane! I say.

JANE. Step into the garden, Mr. Whittermat; and when I ring thedinner-bell, don't you take no notice.

WHITWELL. I'm fly. But ain't I hungry, though, by Jove! Don't forget me.

JANE (_pushing him out C._). I'll come out and call you. (_Exeunt L._)

(_Enter CODDLE, R._)





EGLANTINE. What? Why, papa, you _asked_ him to marry me, Jane says.

CODDLE. Yes, when I was deaf. Now, however--what! marry my darling to adeaf man? Never!

EGLANTINE. O papa, you are cured: perhaps he can be cured in the sameway.

CODDLE. Impossible! He's too deaf. I never knew a worse case.

EGLANTINE. The doctor might try.

CODDLE. Impossible, I tell you. Besides, he's gone away.

EGLANTINE. Let's send after him.

CODDLE. Not another word, my love, about that horrible deaf fellow! Iasked him to dine here to-day, like an old ass; but I'll pack him offimmediately after.

EGLANTINE (_angrily_). Another offer thrown away! Papa, you will killme with your cruelty. (_Weeps._)

CODDLE. Pooh, darling, I've another, much better offer on hand.

I got a letter this morning from my friend Pottle. His favoritenephew--charming fellow.

EGLANTINE (_sobbing_). I won't take him.

CODDLE. Eglantine, a capital offer, I tell you. Capital! Young,brilliant, rich.

EGLANTINE. I won't take him! I won't take him! I won't take him!(_Stamps._)

CODDLE. But, Eglantine--

EGLANTINE. No, no, no, no, no! I'll die an old maid first! I'll killmyself if I can't marry the man I love. (_Exit, weeping._)

CODDLE. (_Solus._) The image of her mother! The villain has bewitchedher! And to think I've asked him to dinner! A scamp I don't know, andnever heard of, and who came into my house like a murderer, smashingall my hot-houses! Confound him, I'll insult him till he can't seeout of his eyes! I'll dine him with a vengeance! And I'll hand himover to the police afterwards for malicious mischief--the horrid deafruffian! The audacity of daring to demand my daughter's hand! Deaf ashe is! (_Bell heard._) Ha! what's that infernal noise? A fire? (_Openswindow._) Bah! Jane ringing the dinner-bell. Stop, stop, stop thatdevilish tocsin! (_Looks down into garden._) There sits the miscreant,

reading a paper, and hearing nothing of a bell loud enough to wake thedead. Detestable blockhead! There goes Jane to call him. Faithful Jane!I long to witness the joy which irradiates her face, dear soul, when Itell her I can hear. She loves me _so_ sincerely! (_Calls._) Jane!--Aservant of an extinct species. None like her nowadays. Jane, Jane!(_Enter JANE with soup-tureen._) I've news for you, my faithful Jane.

JANE. Oh, shut up!

CODDLE. Eh! (_Looks round in bewilderment._)



JANE (_sets table, puts soup, &c., on it_). There's your soup, oldCoddle. Mollycoddle, I calls you!

CODDLE (_aside_). Bless my soul! she's speaking to me, I think. Can itbe possible? Mollycoddle!

JANE. If it war'n't for that tuppenny legacy, old Cod, I'd do my bestto pop you into an asylum for idiots. Yar! (_Exit, C., meets WHITWELL._)

CODDLE. Old Cod! So this is her boasted fidelity, her undyingaffection! Why, the faithless, abominable, ungrateful, treacherousvixen! But her face is enough to show the vile blackness of her heart!I've suspected her for months. After all my kindness to her, too! Andthe money I've bequeathed her. She sha'n't stay another twenty-fourhours in my house. (_Sees WHITWELL._) Nor you either, you swindlingvagabond.

WHITWELL. Hallo, the wind's shifted with a vengeance! (_Shouts._) Thankyou, you're very kind. I accept your suggestion with great pleasure.

CODDLE. Confound his impertinence! (_Bows._) Very sorry I invited you,you scamp! Hope you'll find my dinner uneatable.

WHITWELL. What can have happened? Does he suspect me? (_Shouts._) Verytrue; a lovely prospect indeed.

CODDLE. Bah! the beast! A man as deaf as this fellow (_bows, and pointsto table_) should be hanged as a warning. (_Politely._) This is yourlast visit here, I assure you.

WHITWELL. If it were only lawful to kick one's father-in-law, I'd do iton the spot. (_Shouts._) Your unvarying kindness to a mere stranger,sir, is an honor to human nature.

CODDLE (_points_). Take a chair, sir. (_Pulls away best chair, and goesfor another._) No, no: shot if he shall have the best chair in the

house! If he don't like it, he can lump it.WHITWELL. Mighty polite! Ah! I see. He's testing me. I'll humor him.

CODDLE (_returns with a stool_). Here's the proper seat for you, youpig! (_Shouts._) I offer you this with the greatest pleasure.

WHITWELL (_shouts_). Thanks, thanks. (_Drops voice._) You intolerableold brute!

CODDLE. Ha!

WHITWELL (_bowing politely_). If you're ever my father-in-law, I'll

show you how to treat a gentleman.

CODDLE. His father-in-law! I'll give Eglantine to a coal-heaverfirst,--the animal! (_Shouts._) Pray be seated, (_drops voice_) andchoke yourself.

WHITWELL (_shouts_). One gets a very fine appetite after a hard day'ssport. (_Drops voice._) Atrocious old ruffian!

CODDLE. Old ruffian! This is insufferable. (_They sit._)



WHITWELL (_shouts_). Will not Miss Coddle dine with us to-day?

CODDLE. Jackanapes! Not if I know it. (_Shouts._) She's not well. Thissoup is cold, I fear. (_Offers some._)

WHITWELL. Eat it yourself, old foozle. (_Bows courteously a refusal._)

CODDLE. Infamous puppy! (_Shouts._) Nay, I insist. (_Drops voice._)It's smoked,--just fit for you.

WHITWELL (_shouts_). Thanks, no: never eat soup. (_Drops voice._) Oldsavage, lucky for you I adore your lovely daughter!

CODDLE. Shall I pitch this tureen at his head?--Jane! (_Enter JANE witha dish._) Take off the soup, Jane. This gentleman won't have any. Whathave you there?

JANE (_shouts_). Partridge and spinach, sir. (_Puts dish on table._)

WHITWELL (_shouts_). A delicious dish, Mr. Coddle,--my favorite.

CODDLE (_shouts_). Yes? (_Puts partridge on his own plate._) Jane can'tboil spinach. I hate spinach. (_Helps WHITWELL to the spinach._)

WHITWELL (_rises_). I can't stand this. This is a little too much!

CODDLE (_shouts_). Nothing more? Good! (_Drops voice._) Get rid of youall the sooner.--Jane, cigars. Give me a Havana; hand Mr. Whittermat astogy. (_Crosses to R._)

WHITWELL (_aside, furious_). How much longer shall I stand this?

JANE (_aside to WHITWELL_). Hush! He don't know you hear him. Don'tupset your fish-kittle.

WHITWELL (_aside_). Very well. I'd like to drop him into it.

JANE. Hoity, toity! Now see me. We'll have a little fun with the oldsheep.

CODDLE. Jane, where are those cigars?

JANE (_takes box from console, and offers it; shouts_). Here they be.(_Drops voice._) Jackass! tyrant! muttonhead! I hope they'll turn yourstomick.

CODDLE (_seizes her ear_). What? You infamous minx! I a jackass? I atyrant? I a muttonhead? (_Pulls her round._) I'm a sheep, am I? I'm amollycoddle, am I? You call me an idiot, do you?

JANE (_screams_). Ah! he hears, he hears.

CODDLE. You'll have a little fun out of the old sheep, will you? Youtell me to shut up, eh? Clap me into an asylum, will you? (_Lets go herear._)

JANE. A miracle! I'm dead. (_Crosses to L., screaming._)

(_Enter EGLANTINE._)



EGLANTINE. Papa! For heaven's sake, what _is_ the matter?

WHITWELL (_stupefied_). What, Mr. Coddle! I thought you were deaf. Isit possible you can hear?

CODDLE (_shouts_). Perfectly well, sir; and so it seems can you. Iwill repeat, if you wish it, every one of those delectable complimentsyou paid me five minutes since.

WHITWELL (_to EGLANTINE_). I can't believe my ears. Miss Coddle, has hebeen shamming deafness, then, all this time?

EGLANTINE (_shouts_). No, indeed. A doctor cured his deafness only halfan hour ago.

JANE. Ah! Dear old master, was it kind to deceive me in this fashion?Why didn't ye tell me? Ah! now ye can hear, I love you tenderer thanever.

CODDLE. Tell you, you pig, you minx! I tell you to walk out of my house.

WHITWELL (_aside_). I'll take you into my service.

CODDLE (_loud to WHITWELL_). Come, sir, you too. You are an impostor,sir. Leave my house.

EGLANTINE. Ah, papa! I love him.

WHITWELL. What do I hear? You love me, Eglantine?

EGLANTINE (_shrieks_). Ah-h-h! I forgot you could hear. (_Hides herface in her hands._)

WHITWELL. Thank Heaven, I can! or I should have lost the rapture ofthat sweet avowal. Mr. Coddle, I love--I adore your daughter. You hearda moment since the confession that escaped her innocent lips. Surely

you cannot turn a deaf ear to the voice of nature, and see us bothmiserable for life. Remember, sir, you have now no deaf ear to turn. Bemerciful.

CODDLE. What, sir! Give you my daughter after all your frightfulinsults? Never!

WHITWELL. Remember how you treated me, sir; and reflect, too, that youbegan it. Insults are not insults unless intended to be heard. Forevery thing I said, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Ah, sir!be considerate, lenient.

CODDLE (_after a pause_). Do you retract "old ruffian"?

WHITWELL. Certainly.

EGLANTINE. Ah, papa! forgive him. He retracts "old ruffian."

CODDLE. And "brute"?

WHITWELL. Of course.

CODDLE. And "old foozle"?



WHITWELL. Entirely, sir.

_Eglantine._ Papa, of course he does.

CODDLE (_a pause_). No, Mr. Whittermat, I can't give my daughter toa man I never heard of in my life,--and with such a preposterous nametoo! No, no.

WHITWELL. My name is Whitwell, my dear sir,--not Whittermat: nephew ofyour old friend Benjamin Pottle.

CODDLE. God bless me! Nephew of Ben Pottle! Why didn't you say sobefore? What did you tell me your name was Whittermat for?

WHITWELL. Some singular mistake, sir: I never did. Can't imagine howthe mistake could have occurred.

CODDLE. Well, well, Mr. Whitwell, this alters the case. Your unclewrote me about you. Extraordinary coincidence! Well, since you heardall _I_ said--Ha, ha, ha!

WHITWELL. Of course I did. Ha, ha, ha! For every Roland of mine yougave me two Olivers at least. Ha, ha, ha!

CODDLE. Neither of us deaf, eh? Diamond cut diamond,--ha, ha, ha! Pulldog, pull devil, eh? (_Bursting with laughter. All laugh heartily._)

JANE. He, he, he! I never thought I'd live to see this happy day,master.

CODDLE. Hold your tongue, you impudent cat! Quit my house. Mollycoddle,indeed!

JANE. O Mr. Coddle, you won't go for to turn off a faithful servant inthis way. (_Aside to WHITWELL._) That legacy's lost. (_To CODDLE._) Ah,master dear! you won't find nobody else as'll work their fingers to the

bone, and their voice to a thread-paper, as I have: up early and downlate, and yelling and screeching from morning till night. Well, thehouse will go to rack and ruin when I'm gone,--that's one comfort.

WHITWELL (_aside to JANE_). The money's yours, cash down, the day of mywedding.

CODDLE. Well, well, Jane, I'll forgive you, for luck. I'm too happy tobear malice. But I wish you knew how to boil spinach.

JANE. I'll learn right straight off, sir.

CODDLE. Well, hang delay, children! I'll engage Dr. Harrold for a week

from to-day, and invite all our friends (_to the audience_) to witnessthe wedding. Church of the Holy Cross, remember. No low church for me.All who mean to come will please signify it by clapping their hands,and the harder the better. Not many refusals here. (_Curtain falls._)

R. EGLANTINE. WHITWELL. CODDLE. JANE. L.



HITTY'S SERVICE FLAG

A Comedy in Two Acts

_By Gladys Ruth Bridgham_

Eleven female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an interior. Playsan hour and a quarter. Hitty, a patriotic spinster, quite alone in theworld, nevertheless hangs up a service flag in her window without anyright to do so, and opens a Tea Room for the benefit of the Red Cross.She gives shelter to Stella Hassy under circumstances that close otherdoors against her, and offers refuge to Marjorie Winslow and her littledaughter, whose father in France finally gives her the right to theflag. A strong dramatic presentation of a lovable character and anideal patriotism. Strongly recommended, especially for women's clubs.

_Price, 25 cents_

CHARACTERS

MEHITABLE JUDSON, _aged 70_.LUELLA PERKINS, _aged 40_.

STASIA BROWN, _aged 40_.MILDRED EMERSON, _aged 16_.MARJORIE WINSLOW, _aged 25_.BARBARA WINSLOW, _her daughter, aged 6_.STELLA HASSY, _aged 25, but claims to be younger_.MRS. IRVING WINSLOW, _aged 45_.MARION WINSLOW, _her daughter, aged 20_.MRS. ESTERBROOK, _aged 45_.MRS. COBB, _anywhere from 40 to 60_.

THE KNITTING CLUB MEETSA Comedy in One Act

_By Helen Sherman Griffith_

Nine female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an interior. Playshalf an hour. Eleanor will not forego luxuries nor in other ways "doher bit," putting herself before her country; but when her old enemy,Jane Rivers, comes to the Knitting Club straight from France to tellthe story of her experiences, she is moved to forget her quarrel andleads them all in her sacrifices to the cause. An admirably stimulating

piece, ending with a "melting pot" to which the audience may also beasked to contribute. Urged as a decided novelty in patriotic plays.

_Price, 25 cents_

GETTING THE RANGE



A Comedy in One Act

_By Helen Sherman Griffith_

Eight female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an exterior. Wellsuited for out-of-door performances. Plays an hour and a quarter.Information of value to the enemy somehow leaks out from a frontiertown and the leak cannot be found or stopped. But Captain Brooke, ofthe Secret Service, finally locates the offender amid a maze of falseclues, in the person of a washerwoman who hangs out her clothes dayafter day in ways and places to give the desired information. A capitalplay, well recommended.

_Price, 25 cents_

LUCINDA SPEAKS

A Comedy in Two Acts

_By Gladys Ruth Bridgham_

Eight women. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. Plays an hour anda quarter. Isabel Jewett has dropped her homely middle name, Lucinda,and with it many sterling traits of character, and is not a very goodmother to the daughter of her husband over in France. But circumstancesbring "Lucinda" to life again with wonderful results. A pretty anddramatic contrast that is very effective. Well recommended.

_Price, 25 cents_

CHARACTERS

ISABEL JEWETT, _aged 27_.MIRIAM, _her daughter, aged 7_.MRS. MCBIERNEY, _aged 50_.TESSIE FLANDERS, _aged 18_.MRS. DOUGLAS JEWETT, _aged 45_.HELEN, _her daughter, aged 20_.MRS. FOGG, _aged 35_.FLORENCE LINDSEY, _aged 25_.

SYNOPSIS

ACT I.--Dining-room in Isabel Jewett's tenement, Roxbury, October, 1918.

ACT II.--The same--three months later.

WRONG NUMBERS

A Triologue Without a Moral



_By Essex Dane_

Three women. Scene, an interior; unimportant. Costumes, modern. Playstwenty minutes. Royalty, $5.00. An intensely dramatic episode betweentwo shop-lifters in a department store, in which "diamond cuts diamond"in a vividly exciting and absorbingly interesting battle of wits. Agreat success in the author's hands in War Camp work, and recommendedin the strongest terms. A really powerful little play.

_Price, 25 cents_

FLEURETTE & CO.

A Duologue in One Act

_By Essex Dane_

Two women. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. Plays twenty

minutes. Royalty, $5.00. Mrs. Paynter, a society lady who does notpay her bills, by a mischance puts it into the power of a strugglingdressmaker, professionally known as "Fleurette & Co.," to teach her avaluable lesson and, incidentally, to collect her bill. A strikinglyingenious and entertaining little piece of strong dramatic interest,strongly recommended.

_Price, 25 cents_

Plays for Junior High Schools

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Transcriber's Note:Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully aspossible.

Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.

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None So Deaf as Those Who Won't Hear