Non-verbal aspect to listenting - Anderson Universityfacultyweb.anderson.edu/~glg/4030/class_presentations/c06_listenin… · and non-verbals know you feeling word lists • Reflect

Listening Responses Adapted from:

Cormier, W. H. (1991). Interviewing strategies for helpers: Fundamental skills and cognitive behavioral interventions (3rd ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. Chapter 5

James 1:19 NIV

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

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Presenter

Presentation Notes

Non-verbal aspect to listenting

4 Listening Responses

• Reflection of Feeling

• Paraphrasing Content

• Clarifying Questions

• Summarization 4

Presenter

Presentation Notes

These are ways to show that you are listening.

Sensory Modalities

• Visual • Auditory • Kinesthetic • Mix

5 <div xmlns:cc="http://creativecommons.org/ns#" about="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22750018@N05/4288924052/"><a rel="cc:attributionURL" href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22750018@N05/">http://www.flickr.com/photos/22750018@N05/</a> / <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">CC BY-NC-ND 2.0</a></div>

Presenter

Presentation Notes

These are ways to tailor your response to the personality of the client

Visual

Client Word • See • Bright • Clear • Show • Colorful • Focus • Picture • Glimpse • View • Perspective • ‘Now look’

Counselor Phrase • “It seems like” • “It appears as

though” • “From my

perspective” • “As I see it” • “I see what you

mean” • “It looks like”

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Auditory Client Word • Listen • Discuss • Yell • Should • Tell • Loud • Told • Noisy • Talk • Call • Hear • Ears

Counselor Phrase • “Sounds like” “As I hear it” “What you’re saying is” • “I hear you saying” “Something tells you” ‘now listen’ “You’re telling me that” 7

Kinesthetic

Client Word • Feel • Relaxed • Touch • Sense • Pressure • Experience • Hurt • Firm • Pushy • ‘You Know’ • Grasp

Counselor Phrase

• “You feel” • “From my

standpoint” • “I sense

that” • “I have a

feeling that”

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Reflection

• A rephrasing of the affective part of the client’s message

• Purpose: – To encourage more expression of feelings – To experience feelings more intensely – To help increase awareness of dominant feelings – To help acknowledge and manage feelings – To discriminate among feelings 9

Errors in Reflecting

• Avoid “And how does that make you feel?”

• Test a hypothesis from watching non-verbals.

• Avoid any repetitive style

• Reflecting after every statement is overuse

• Going too deep • Using complex

language

10 http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/print/2008/1/anorexia-mirror.jpg

How to Reflect • Select the most relevant feelings from statements and non-verbals know you feeling word lists

• Reflect what you have just perceived

• Wait for a confirming response or cue

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Visual Reflections

• It appears that … • It looks like . . . • It is clear to me that . . .

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you are angry now

Auditory Reflections

• It sounds like you . . . • I hear you saying you • You are tell me you • are angry now

13 Clickart photo

Kinesthetic Reflections

• I can grasp your anger • You are feeling angry now • Let’s get in touch with

your anger.

14 Clickart photo

Confident Reflections:

Visual

• Let me see if I understand. You • From your point of view . . . • As you see it . . .

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Confident Reflections:

Auditory

• As I hear it. • What I hear you saying • I hear you loudly saying 16

Confident Reflections: Kinesthetic

• I’m sensing… • You feel • From where you stand • Where you’re coming from

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Other Confident Reflections • Could it be that… • I wonder if… • Correct me if I’m wrong. … • I get the impression that… • You… • It seems to you • In your experience • I’m picking up that you • You mean

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Tentative Reflections: Visual

• It appears you . . .

19 Clickart photo

Tentative Reflections: Auditory

• What I guess I’m hearing is • As I hear it, you • This is what I think I hear you saying

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Tentative Reflections: Kinesthetic

• You appear to be feeling • Perhaps you’re feeling • Is it possible that • I somehow sense that

maybe you feel

• Maybe you feel • Do you feel a little • I’m not certain I

understand; you’re feeling

• …is that the way you feel?

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Other Tentative Reflections:

• Could it be • I wonder if • I’m not sure if • I’m with you, but • Would you buy this idea • Correct me if I’m wrong but • Is there any chance that you Is it

conceivable that • Maybe this is a long shot, but • Maybe I’m out to lunch, but • I’m not sure if I’m with you; do you

mean

• From where I stand you • It seems that you • …is that the way it is? • …is that what you mean? • Let me see if I understand you; you • Let me see if I’m with you; you • I get the impression that • I guess that you’re • Does it sound reasonable that you • Could this be what’s going on, you

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A computer consultant, Jack, does work for Joyce. Jack: What am I supposed to do about Joyce? She throws more work at me than I

can possibly handle. I've told her but she won't listen. I don't want people to think I'm trying to get out of doing my job but she’s really got me totally buried

• Which are reflections? – Hang in there: I'm sure it will work out eventually – It sounds like this is really getting you down – You're worried people will think you are a slacker? – Joyce is really unfair, huh? – Have you discussed it with Jim [the boss]? – You were discouraged when Joyce didn’t listen? – Why have you let things go on this long? – Your really getting fed up with the situation.

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Clickart photo

Client, a middle aged man: You can’t imagine what it was like when I found my wife was cheating on me. I saw red! What should I do? –get

even—leave her—I’m not sure. [Said in loud, shrill , high-pitched voice, clenched fists]

1. It looks like you’re very angry now about your wife’s going out on you.

2. It appears that you’re furious with your wife’s actions

3. It seems like your both angry and vindictive now that you have discovered your wife has been going out with other men

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Cautions on Ventilation

• With severe disorders: hysteria, delusions, extreme anger

• Client already overwhelmed • History of emotional crises • Strong resistance to exploring feelings • Doubt your adequacy to help • Turmoil in your life • Inadequate time to process • Specialist support is inadequate • Lack of support from agency or parent

25 Clickart photo

Paraphrase (Reflecting Content)

• Rephrasing of the content of the client’s message

• Purpose: – To help focus on content – To highlight content when feelings are premature

or self-defeating

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Confident Paraphrases • I understand the problem as… • I see the situation as… • I’m sensing… • Could it be that… • You… • You feel • From your point of view • It seems to you • In your experience • From where you stand • As you see it • You think • You believe • What I hear you saying • I’m picking up that you • I really hear you saying that • Where you’re coming from • You figure • You mean

27 © 2002-2005 Riverdeep Interactive Learning

Tentative Paraphrases • Could it be • I wonder if • I’m not sure if • I’m with you, but • Would you buy this idea • What I guess I’m hearing is • Correct me if I’m wrong but • Is it possible that • Does it sound reasonable that you • Could this be what’s going on, you • From where I stand you • This is what I think I hear you saying • It appears you • Is there any chance that you

• Is it conceivable that • Maybe this is a long shot, but • Maybe I’m out to lunch, but • I’m not sure if I’m with you; do you

mean • I’m not certain I understand; you’re

feeling • It seems that you • As I hear it, you • …is that the way it is? • …is that what you mean? • Let me see if I understand you; you • Let me see if I’m with you; you • I get the impression that • I guess that you’re

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How to Paraphrase

• Listen for the basic message of the client

• Restate a concise summary of the basic message

• Watch for a cue and/or ask for a response to see if the paraphrase was helpful

29 © 2002-2005 Riverdeep Interactive Learning

Clarifying Question • A question beginning with:

– “Do you mean that” or – “Are you saying that” plus – a rephrasing of the client’s message.

• Purpose: – To encourage more elaboration – To check out accuracy of what you have heard – To clear up vague and confusing messages

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Summarization

• Two or more paraphrases or reflections that condense the clients’ messages or the session

• Purposes: – To tie together multiple elements – To identify a common theme or pattern – To interrupt excessive rambling – To review progress

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When to Use Summaries

• Brammer (1973) – “Warm up” the client – Focusing scattered thoughts and feelings – Close the discussion of a particular theme – Prompt the client to explore a theme more

thoroughly. • Times when summaries prove particularly useful:

– The beginning of a new session, – When session is going nowhere, – When client needs a new perspective

32 Brammer, L. 1973, The helping relationship: Process and skills. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Ann a 15-year-old high school student: “My grades have really slipped. I don’t know why; I just feel so down about everything.” What is the best listening response?

• Reflection of Feeling • Paraphrasing Content • Clarifying Questions • Summarization

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Response to Ann

A. What are the things you feel down about? B. What being down is like for you?

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Izzie a 27-year-old woman continually focuses on her relationships with men and needs for excitement & stability: “First session: I’ve been dating lots & lots of men for the last few years. Most of them have been married. That’s great because there are no demands on me. [Bright eyes, facial animation, high-pitched voice] Fourth session: It doesn’t feel so good anymore. It’s not so much fun. Now I guess I miss having some commitment and stability in my life. [Soft voice, lowered eyes] ” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Izzie

1. Izzie, originally you said it was great to be going out with a lot of different men who didn’t ask much of you. Now your also feeling it's not so great—it’s keeping your from finding some purpose and stability in your life

2. In our first session, you were feeling “up” about all those relationships with noncommittal men. Now your‘re feeling like this is interfering with the stability you need and haven't yet found

3. At first it was great to have all this excitement and few demands. Now you're feeling some loss from a lack of a more stable , involved relationship.

36 http://www.greys-anatomy.com/imgs/alex_izzie.jpg

Tom a 6-year-old boy : “I wish I didn’t have a little sister. I know my parents love her more than me. [Said in slow, soft voice with downcast eyes] .”

What is the best listening response?


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Response to Tom

1. It seems like you’d like to be “number one” again in your family

2. I sense you are not sure of your place in your family since your little sister arrived

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John a middle-aged man in marital therapy: : “As far as I’m concerned, our marriage turned sour last year when my wife went back to work. She’s more in touch with her work than with me. [Said in soft voice tone with downcast eyes] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to John

1. You’re feeling left out and lonely since your wife’s gone back to work

2. You’re feeling hurt and unhappy because your wife seems so interested in her work

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Joan a 10-year-old girl : “At beginning of the session: I don’t understand why my parents can’t live together anymore. I’m not blaming anybody, but it just feels very confusing to me. [Said in low, soft voice with lowered, moist eyes]. Near the middle of the same session: I wish they could keep it together. I guess I feel like they can’t because they fight about me so much. Maybe I’m the reason they don’t want to live together anymore. ” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Joan

• Joan, at the start of your talk today, you were feeling like no one person was responsible for your parents’ separation. Now I sense you’re say that you feel responsible

• Joan, earlier today you indicated you didn’t feel like blaming anyone for what’s happening to your folks. Now I’m sensing that you are feeling like you are responsible for their breakup.

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Karen a 35-year-old woman who focused on how her life has improved since having children : “I never thought I would feel this great. I always thought being a parent would be boring and terribly difficult. It’s not, for me. It’s fascinating and easy. It makes everything worthwhile. [Said with alertness and animation] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Karen

• It seems like your feeling surprise, satisfaction and relief about find parenting so much easier and more rewarding that you had expected it would be

• I hear feelings of surprise and pleasure in your voice as your reveal how great it is to be a parent and how important you children are to you

• You seem so happy about the way your life is going since you’ have children--as if they make you and your life more worthwhile.

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Ashley an adolescent “Now look, we have too damn many rules around this school. I’m getting the hell out of here. As far as I can see, this place is a dump. [Said in loud, harsh voice]” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Ashley

1. It looks like you’re pretty disgusted now because you see these rules restricting you

2. It seems like your very angry about having all of these rules here at school

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Rick a middle-aged man: I’m really discouraged with this physical disability now. I feel like I can’t do anything the way I used to. Not only has it affected me in my job, but at home. I just don’t feel like I have anything good to offer anyone.

What is the best listening response?


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Response to Rick

• Could your clarify how things are different for you now than the way they used to be?

• Are you say you feel discourage about having the disability or about the effects and constraints from it?

• Are you saying you feel differently about yourself now than the way you used to feel?

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Frank an older person: : “The company is going to make me retire even though I don’t want to. What will I do with myself then? I find myself just thinking over the good times of the past, not wanting to face the future at all. Sometimes retirement makes me so nervous I can’t sleep or eat. My family suggested I see someone about this .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Frank

• Are you saying you’re here just because of your family’s feeling or because of your feelings too?

• Could you describe what it is about retiring that worries you?

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Tami a 30-year-old woman : “My husband and I argue all the time about how to manage our kids. He says I always interfere with his discipline—I think he is too harsh with them. [Said in a level voice tone without much variation in pitch or tempo] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Tami • It sounds like you and your

husband disagree a great deal on which on e of you should discipline your kids and how is should be done.

• Your ideas about discipline for your kinds are really different from your husband’s and this creates disagreements between the two of you.

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Rich, a 30-year-old man who has been blaming himself for his wife’s unhappiness: “I really feel guilty about marrying her in the first place. It wasn’t really for love. It was just a convenient thing to do. I feel like I’ve messed up her life really badly. I also feel obliged to her. [Said in low, soft voice tone with lowered eyes]” What is the best listening response?


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Response to 30 Man

• I sense your feeling pulled in two different directions. For yourself, you want out of the relationship. For her sake, you feel you should stay in the relationship

• Your feeling like you’ve used her for your convenience and because of this you thin you owe it to her to keep the relationship going

• I can grasp how very much you want to pull yourself out of the marriage and also how responsible you reel for your wife’s present unhappiness.

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Tom, a middle-aged graduate student : “It’s just a rough time for me—trying to work, keeping up with graduate school, and spending time with my family. I keep telling myself it will slow down someday. [Said in a level, monotone voice] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Tom

1. It sounds like you are having a tough time balancing all of your commitments

2. There are lots of demands on your time right now.

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An 8-year-old girl: : “I’m telling you I don’t like living at home anymore. I wish I could live with my friend and her parents. I told my mommy that one day I’m going to run away, but she doesn’t listen to me. [Said in level, measure words, glancing from side to side, lips drawn tightly together, flushed face] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to 8 year old

• It sounds like you’re upset about some things going on at your home

• I hear you saying your bothered about your parents

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A fourth-grader: : “I don’t want to do this dumb homework anyway. I don’t care about learning these math problems. Girls don’t need to know this anyway .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Fourth-grader

• Are you saying you really dislike math or that it’s not going as well as you would like?

• Are you saying that math is not too important for you or that it is hard for you?

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A college student : “I’ve said to my family before, I just can’t compete with the other students who aren’t blind. There’s no way I can keep up with this kind of handicap. I’ve told them it’s natural to be behind and to more poorly. [Said in level, measured words with little pitch and inflection change] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Blind College Student

• It sounds like it’s very important to you that your family realize how tough it is for you to do well in your studies here

• You’d like your family to realize how difficult it is for you to keep up academically with people who don’t have the added problem of being blind.

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A 50-year-old steelworker now laid off: : “Now look, what can I do? I’ve been laid off over a year now, I’ve got no money, no job, and a family to take care of. It’s also clear to me that my mind and skills are just wasting away. [Said in a loud, critical voice, staring at the ceiling, brow furrowed, eyes squinting] .” What is the best listening response?


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Response to Steel worker

• I can see you are angry about being out of work and discouraged about the future

• It looks like you’re very upset about having your job and stability taken away from you.

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Documents

Non-verbal aspect to listenting - Anderson Universityfacultyweb.anderson.edu/~glg/4030/class_presentations/c06_listenin… · and non-verbals know you feeling word lists • Reflect