Non-profit Org.U.S. Postage

PAIDCleveland, OHPermit No. 848

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center is a community-based grief support program thatprovides services throughout Northern Ohio. We offer support to anyone who has experienced a loss due to death.

Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your WorldBy Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D.As we journey through grief, we often struggle with feeling out of control - that we have no choice, and when we do have decisions to make we are too overwhelmed or full of self-doubt to make them. In her book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World, Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. helps put the pieces back together. In the chapter, “Impact: Experiencing the Unthinkable,” she shares her story about the loss of her husband, as well as the experiences of others. She discusses seven phases she lived through during her grief, and the decisions she had to make as well as the challenges she faced. She offers choices for each of these challenges which will enlighten and empower the reader to take a more positive approach - creating more hope for those looking for daylight. From identifying life as it was to feeling freedom from the Domination of Grief, Dr. Neeld supports the bereaved reader. She devotes a special section to helping grieving children and teens, and completes her work with a discography, bibliography and Internet resources. No matter what type of loss you have experienced, you will find this book to be a great resource.

19201 Villaview RoadCleveland, Ohio 44119-3064(216) 486-6838 Hospice House & Headquarters

300 East 185th StreetCleveland, Ohio 44119-1330

Serving Northern Ohio with offices throughout Ashtabula, Cuyahoga, Geauga, Lake, Lorain and Summit Counties.

Hospice Resale Shop in Lyndhurst

Information: 800-707-8922Hospice Connect: 800-707-8921hospicewr.org

Copyright 2009 Hospice of the Western ReserveALL RIGHTS RESERVED

By

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289132_AboutGrief.indd 1 10/29/09 11:57 AM

Visit The Bereavement Center's Blog at:http://bereavementcenter.blogspot.com

Volume 18 / No. 4 / Winter 09

THIS ISSUEFrom The ediTor

misguided “ground rules” oF grieF

isn’T grieF CompliCaTed enough?

Book review

a Child’s view

19201 Villaview Road | Cleveland, Ohio 44119-3064 | 216-486-6838 | 800-707-8922 | hospicewr.org

A Publication of The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center

About Grief

EDITORDiane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BCDirector

VOLUNTEER EDITORThelma Morris

EDITORIAL ASSISTANTFelicia Dunlop-Stanley

CONTRIBUTING WRITERSLaurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-SBereavement Coordinator

Megan Davis, LISW-SSchool Liaison

JoDee Coulter, MT-BCBereavement Coordinator

Amalie Clausen, MSSA, LSWChildren’s Bereavement Coordinator

Winter is nearly here. We feel the cold as we move about from home to work to school to

community. The snow blankets us and the winter months can bring a certain comfort during our time of grief.

Be kind to yourself this December. The glitz and jingle of the season can be overwhelming, but know that there are others out there who have experienced the death of a loved one and are feeling a heavy heart this holiday season. You are not alone.

Welcoming in the New Year can be anything but welcoming when you are grieving. For many, the season can be difficult. Others find that the New Year is a relief and look at it as a “fresh start.” Sometimes it seems unreal that time has marched on. We may have been used to counting the time since

our loved one died in weeks or months. Suddenly we are saying “my loved one died last year” and that can come as a shock. It is normal to feel afraid that your memories will fade: the reality is you will always hold the memory of your loved one in your heart. You will remember what you need to when you need it.

We hope you enjoy this issue of About Grief. We encourage you to review the support group listings and hope you will attend. It is our wish that the upcoming year will bring you strength, hope and peace.

We continue to be here with comfort and support.

Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC(216) 486-6312dscowan@hospicewr.org

C o m f o r t | H o p e | H e a l i n g

from the Editor

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The death of someone close can lead us to expect and often receive wonderful support from the people in our lives. Sometimes however, grieving people discover that society has established “ground rules” that are not helpful in their grief journey. Some of these misguided notions include: Life should return to normal shortly after the funeral Grieving people often receive great support just after the loss, during the funeral and the days immediately following. However, friends return to their lives and may expect that the grieving person should as well. In reality, the first weeks after the death of a loved one are just the start of the grief journey.

You must get rid of belongings immediatelyWell meaning family and friends may try to “help” by quickly going through the deceased’s belongings and packing them up to be discarded, feeling these will only add to the grief. In reality, many belongings of a loved one can bring great comfort to the one who is grieving.

Men should not cry but women mustSociety often places restrictions on the way a person should grieve. Men are taught not to cry and to be strong. Therefore a man who openly weeps may be perceived as “weak.” Women who do not show tears may be seen as “cold.” In reality, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of gender. How you express your grief is as personal as the loss itself.

The grief of a parent whose child has died trumps your griefSociety often places hierarchical value on different types of loss. The loss of a pet may be seen as less meaningful than that of a sister. The death of a distant grandparent may be perceived as less important than that of a close friend.

Consequently, many grievers are disenfranchised because society doesn’t recognize their loss as significant. In reality, every loss is significant and every person has a right to grieve.

Widows/Widowers must give up their couple friends because they feel uncomfortable around youSometimes a death can be a harsh reminder of your own mortality. Because of this, couple friends may consciously or unconsciously avoid the surviving spouse of a friend who has died. This can be very hurtful to the grieving person who needs their support now more than ever.

You have exactly one year to get over thisA person’s grief is as individual as his or her loss. There is no magic in reaching the milestone of one year. However, society seems to place great stock in the notion that “it’s been a year so you should be feeling better.” In reality, it may be just the beginning of the grief journey for some people. The nature of grief lies in the nature of the relationship one had with the person who died.

The journey of grief is personal and can’t be directed by what others say. If you are grieving, know that it is ok for you to feel how you feel, regardless of the “ground rules” put in place by society. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, let them know that you want to help in ways that are most useful to them. If you don’t know how, ask. It is also wise to offer help in a way that is comfortable for you. Recognize your own limitations. Don’t promise things you cannot deliver. It is difficult to lose someone we love. Start by just being present and available. This may be the best gift you have to offer.

Misguided “Ground Rules” of GriefBy Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S

The Vista Walk is Hospice of the Western Reserve’s memorial garden brick pathway located on the shores of Lake Erie at Hospice House. Anyone who wishes to remember their loved one by purchasing a brick with a special inscription is invited to call (216) 383-3712 for more information. The Vista Walk at Hospice House is open for meditation and reflection.

The Vista Walk remember your loved one

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“My husband died over three years ago…but I still can’t seem to imagine life without him.” This is one woman’s expression of how intensely her sorrow continues to affect her life several years after the death of her spouse. Sometimes when we experience a death, for various reasons, we are unable to move through our grief. When a grief experience becomes so intense, long lasting and severe that it prevents us from healing, it is called Complicated Grief. Intense emotions like sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety are common following the death of a loved one, but when such feelings persist, they can inhibit our ability to mourn and even prevent us from accepting that the death has occurred. This makes it very difficult to go on living and to make meaning out of life. Anyone can suffer from complicated grief, but common risk factors include: sudden/unanticipated death, death following a lengthy illness, death of a young child, feeling that the death was preventable and experiencing multiple losses. Relationships that were extremely dependent, angry, or ambivalent – and particularly when abuse or violence was present – can leave us with unresolved feelings about the loss, and lead to complicated grief as well.

Symptoms of complicated grief are similar to normal grief but last for at least six months. They can include:• Inability to accept that the death has occurred• Intense anxiety, anger, guilt or loneliness that persists

over time• Isolation or withdrawal from others • Lack of emotion; numbness • Feeling that life is meaningless or empty • Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts; upsetting memories of

the deceased• Severe changes in eating or sleeping habits• Extreme avoidance of family/friends or activities

associated with the deceased• Experiencing physical symptoms like those the deceased

experienced prior to or during death• Phobias/fears of illness or death • Relentless depression

If you are experiencing any of the symptoms above or are having difficulty managing your grief, please contact your hospice bereavement coordinator or a grief counselor in The Bereavement Center. You do not have to go through this journey alone! Please call us at (216) 486-6838 to be connected with someone who can help.

Isn’t Grief Complicated Enough?Megan Davis, LISW-S

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C o m f o r t | H o p e | H e a l i n g

Our eleventh Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great

success. Forty children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and

tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with

their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced a loss.

We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time and talents to

make this a great event, as well as the numerous individuals who contributed funds to purchase

supplies and provide camper scholarships. Many thanks also go to Kaiser Permanente, Stuart and

Associates, David Tavens of MitzvahPhoto, Buckeye Mountain Coffee and Water Company, Miklus

Florists, and our teddy bear ladies, Mary Graham, Margaret Stokes and Gayle Kovach. Your support

for our camp is priceless!!

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Massage TherapYProviding Comfort Through TouchStress is a normal part of life. As you move along grief ’s journey, you may face many challenges. Massage therapy is a tool useful in helping to cope with stress, anxiety and fatigue. To schedule an appointment, call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley at (216) 486-6335. All appointments will be held at The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center.Basic Fees: $25 for 30 minutes $50 for 60 minutes

Yoga MaTTersGive yourself the gift of time and attention. The practice of Yoga helps you tune into yourself and take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Classes held at Hospice of the Western Reserve Headquarters. To register please call (216) 486-6838.On-going Yoga Class designed for caregivers & bereavedWednesdays, 5:30 pm to 7:00 pmFee: $40/month or $12 Drop-in (sliding scale fee available)

aLcohoLics anonYMousHeadquartersWednesdays, 12:45 pmFor more information, call (216) 241-7387

Bereavement Support Groups Unless otherwise noted, our support groups are open to anyone who has had a loved one die. Please note, most Westlake groups will be held at St John West Shore Community Outreach Center, 29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite R. Groups are subject to change. Call to verify time and location.

Adult Support GroupscircLe oF hope series Six-week educational support class for adults who have had a loved one die. Registration is required. Please call the facilitator listed below for more information or to register.ashtabula officeWednesdays, Jan. 20 - Feb. 24, 1:30 to 3:00 p.m.Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerWednesdays, Feb. 24 - Mar. 31, 10:00 to 11:30 a.m.Diana Battles (216) 486-6364

hospice of the Western reserve headquartersMondays, Feb. 1 - Mar. 8, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m.Tensie Holland (216) 383-3741

Lakewood officeMondays, Jan. 18 - Feb. 22, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110

Mentor officeMondays, Jan. 18 - Feb. 22, 10:30 to 12:00 p.m.Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737, ext. 3041

piece BY piece for young widows and widowersA four week support group. Registration is required.Warrensville heights officeThursdays, Jan. 7 - Jan. 28, 6:00 to7:30 p.m.Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200

parenTs TogeTherA support group for parents coping with the death of an adult child. Registration is required.Lakewood officesix Mondays, Mar. 8 - apr. 12, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110

Warrensville heights officeFour Tuesdays, Mar. 9 - Mar. 30, 2:00 to 3:30 p.m.Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200

hope & heaLingAn on-going monthly support group for grieving adults. Registration is not required. Please call facilitator for more information.hospice of the Western reserve headquarters3rd Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. April Ratcliffe (216) 383-3782

Warrensville heights office4th Wednesday of the month, 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. Joan Tabaj (216) 383-3737 ext. 3105

Mentor office1st Tuesday of the month, 1:30 to 2:30 p.m.Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737 ext. 3041

Lakewood office2nd Tuesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737 ext. 3110

For The Young aDuLT (20’s)The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center3rd Wednesday of the month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.Diana Battles (216) 486-6364

Men’s grieF groupA monthly breakfast meeting for men who are grieving the death of a loved one.The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center1st Wednesday of the month, 8:30 to 10:00 a.m.Bob Ballantine (216) 486-6747

neW BeginningsA monthly support group for young widows and widowers (ages 55 and younger). This group is open-ended and on-going. Registration is not required.WestlakeSt John West Shore Community Outreach Center29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite R2nd Wednesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.JoDee Coulter (216) 383-3737 ext. 3440

Warrensville heights office1st Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200

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winter 2009-2010Community

Support Groups & Activities

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neW JourneYA support group for widows and widowers of any age, adjusting to life without their spouse. This group is open ended and on-going. Registration is not required.

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center2nd Thursday of the month, 10:00 to 11:30 a.m.Diana Battles (216) 486-6364

ashtabula officeThursday, December 17, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.Starting January 2010 – twice a month in ashtabula only2nd and 4th Thursday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

horiZonsA monthly support group for the older adult widow and widower. This group is open ended and on-going.

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center3rd Tuesday of the month, 10:30 to 12:00 p.m.Kathryn Harrison (216) 486-6331

Mayfield Village Baptist church2nd Tuesday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m.6500 Highland Road, MayfieldKathryn Harrison (216) 486-6331

Lakewood 1381 Bunts Road, Lakewood, 4th floor2nd Monday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110

Branches oF hope A series for adults who have experienced the death of both parents. This group will help you move forward while honoring your parents’ memory and identifying their gifts to you. Registration is required.

WestlakeSt John West Shore Community Outreach Center29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite Rsix Thursdays, Feb. 18 – Mar. 25, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.JoDee Coulter (216) 383-3737 ext. 3440

“New Group” siBLing connecTionsThis four-week group will allow adults who have experienced the death of a sibling at any time during their lives to explore their grief and mourn this loss. Registration is required.

Lakewood officeFour Wednesdays, Feb. 3 – Feb. 24, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110

FaBric anD FeeLingsA weekly group where participants use fabric techniques such as quilting (sometimes involving clothing from loved ones) or photo transfer to create quilts, pillows, dolls and other types of lasting memories. Sewing expertise is not necessary.

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerThursdays, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m. Mary Trivisonno (216) 486-6838

The neXT chapTerA book discussion for adults who enjoy reading as an avenue to process loss, grief and hope. Intended for those with a minimum of six months of healing – whether by individual or group support. Call to obtain book title and to register. ashtabula officeThursday, Feb. 4, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

Lakewood officeTuesday, Feb. 2, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110

Warrensville heights officeWednesday, Feb. 3, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200

Dinner anD a MoVieCome join us for a light dinner, a film examining concepts of grief and loss, and a discussion group connecting fiction with reality. Registration is required.Movie – “The Bucket List”ashtabula officeThursday, Feb. 18, 6:00 to 8:30 p.m.Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

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Support Groups Continued on Page 6 >>

Holiday Eventshope For The hoLiDaYs

An adult bereavement group providing techniques, dialog and support for those grieving through the holiday season. Registration is required.

ashtabula office Thursday, Dec. 3, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.

Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

Mentor officeThursday, Dec. 10, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.

Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737 ext. 3041

hoLiDaY FaMiLY nighTAn evening to honor and commemorate your loved one that died by decorating a candle in their memory. Family members of any age are welcome to attend. Registration is required.

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerWednesday, Dec. 9, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.

To register call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley (216) 486-6335

ashtabula officeTuesday, Dec. 15, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.

To register call Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

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Healing Arts Workshops, Winter 09-10Healing Arts Workshops provide grieving people with a creative outlet for their grief and are open to all grieving people. No art experience is necessary. call Mary Trivisonno at (216) 486-6838 to register.

MeMorY WreaThsDecorate a grapevine wreath, symbolizing unbroken life and love, with personal symbols, as well as wishes, memories and prayers. The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerTuesday, Dec. 8, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

st. John West shore community outreach center29160 Center Ridge Rd., Suite RTuesday, Dec. 15, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

ceLeBraTe The LighTUse glass beads or beach glass to decorate a vigil light that symbolizes the light brought into our lives by our loved ones. The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerTuesday Jan. 12, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

st. John West shore community outreach center29160 Center Ridge Rd., Suite RTuesday Jan. 19, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

heaLing our hearTsUsing felt and other fabrics, create a small heart-shaped “pillow” that is sewn together with love, mended with hope and stuffed with thoughts, memories and prayers.

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerTuesday, Feb. 9, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

st. John West shore community outreach center29160 Center Ridge Rd., Suite RTuesday, Feb. 23, 6:30 to 8:30 pm.

Children and Family Support Groups

s.T.a.r.s. (Supporting Tears, Anger, Remembrance & Sadness)A six-week support group for grieving children ages 6-12. While the children are meeting, there is an adult support group to assist parents and family members in dealing with their own grief. Registration is required.The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement centerMondays, Jan. 25 – Mar. 1, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.Colleen Thompson (216) 486-6316

Westlake officeWednesdays, Jan. 13 – Feb. 17, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.Amalie Clausen (216) 486-6319

proJecT hopeA four-week group for adolescents aged 12-17, using journaling as an expressive and safe way to share feelings. Participants will make their own journals and will be given time to reflect on their grieving process. This group will also discuss music as a healthy coping strategy. Registration by a parent or guardian required. ashtabula officeTuesdays, Jan. 5 – Jan. 26, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

Warrensville heights officeTuesdays, Feb. 2 – Feb. 23, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m.Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200

on eagLes’ WingsA monthly support group for families who have experienced the death of a child. After pizza, the parents have a support group while their school age children meet separately with other children who have lost a sibling.The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center3rd Thursday of each month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. Susan Lakin at (216) 383-3737 ext. 3964Co-sponsored by Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital and Hospice of the Western Reserve.

heLping hanDs/heaLing hearTsA monthly support group for children ages 6-13 and adults, who have experienced the death of a loved one. While the adults are meeting, there is a co-existing support group for the children. Registration is not required The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center3rd Tuesday of each month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.Colleen Thompson at (216) 486-6316.

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hospice oF The WesTern reserVe oFFice LocaTions

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center19201 Villaview RoadCleveland, OH 44119-3064

hospice house & headquarters300 East 185th StreetCleveland, OH 44119-1330

ashtabula office1166 Lake AvenueAshtabula, OH 44004-2930

cleveland office19201 Villaview RoadCleveland, OH 44119-3064

hospice care centerat the renaissance26376 John RoadOlmsted Falls, OH 44138

Lorain county office2173 N. Ridge Road E., Suite HLorain, OH 44055-3400

Lakewood office 14601 Detroit AvenueSuite 100Lakewood, OH 44107-4214

Mentor office5786 Heisley RoadMentor, OH 44060-1830

university circle office10645 Euclid AvenueCleveland, OH 44106-2206

Warrensville heights office4670 Richmond RoadSuite 200Warrensville Hts, OH 44128

Westlake office29101 Health Campus DriveBuilding 2, Suite 400Westlake, OH 44145-5268

C o m f o r t | H o p e | H e a l i n g

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Winter is a great time for sledding, snowmen, snow forts, and ice skating. However, it’s also cold outside, and the sun doesn’t stay up for very long. In fact, winter starts on the shortest day of the year. You are likely to get up for school when it’s dark outside, and you go to bed when it’s dark. As winter moves along and spring gets closer adults may say, “Now the days are getting longer,” but it doesn’t seem like they are. It’s hard to notice the sun shining longer when your toes are freezing.

Grief can be like the days of winter. You may feel sad, angry, or mixed up more than you used to before your special person died. People may have told you that you’ll start feeling better, but when you feel bad, it’s difficult to think it will ever happen. It’s not always easy to remember

what happy times feel like, just as it’s not always easy to remember how hot, summer days feel when it’s 20 degrees outside.

Just like the weather, there will be good days and bad days. We’ll have days when we want to play with our friends, and we’ll have days that are hard and we want to be alone. Eventually, we’ll have more good days than bad days. In the meantime, do things on those bad days that will help you feel better—ask for a hug, play with friends, look at pictures, draw or paint your own pictures, watch a favorite movie, or whatever works for you.

Take care,Amalie

A Child's View

7

By Amalie Clausen, MSSA, LSW

A S H A M E D S S E DA Q I S K A L P I A NY S H Y O N W A S C VW P J E D G G C D F GH M W O R R I E D A CG U I L T Y Q D H U OR O R T A Z T O A D NE L X T V L I U P E FL O Y L A D R T P O UI S H O C K E D Y T SE I M N S R D N S P EV L Q E P F R C U A DE L P L V B W H L M ED Y O Y S C A R E D B

SAD

HAPPY

WORRIED

RELIEVED

LONELY

SCARED

GUILTY

NUMB

SPACED OUT

HURT

TIRED

SILLY

ASHAMED

SHOCKED

SHY

CONFUSED

ANGRY

Here’s a list of different feelings that you may experience when a loved one

dies. Find the words in the search. When you’ve found them all, you can draw a picture of your special person.

Hi Kids!

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