Key Terms

No Strings Attached: Friends with Benefits on a College Campus

KENDRA KNIGHT, CHRISTINA SHAW, PAUL A. MONGEAU ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY

friends with benefits, hookups, dating, relational uncertainty, emerging adulthood

First Year Orientation

At eleven o'clock on a Friday night in September, a popular college bar called Josie's Grill has a line out the door and snaking down the block. Inside, men in polo shirts and women in high heels crush against the bar, vying for the bartenders' attention. Whitney, a college freshman, who got into Josie's using her older sister's ID, wraps her small hands around six shot glasses full of a pink liquid and squeezes through the mob back to her table. She sets the shots on the high-top table to cheers and feigned groans from her friends.

Her roommate, Lindsay, who also entered the bar using a fake ID, holds her shot glass up in the air and turns a clumsy pirouette, shouting "Woo-hoo!'' The gang downs the drinks in unison.

Lindsay stumbles and yelps in pain as a guy at the next table steps back onto her foot. "Ow! Look out!" The young man reaches toward Lindsay, spilling half his beer trying to catch her.

"I'm so sorry!" He shouts over the roar of the crowd. "No worries!" Lindsay shouts back over the music. "Here, let me buy you another

beer!" "Okay, thanks! What's your name?" "Lindsay." "Nice to meet you Liz." "No, Lindsayr "Sorry! liNDSAY." He extends his hand. "I'm Jerod."

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86 Part II Coming Together

Homecoming Whitney opens her eyes on a Saturday morning. Because she has lived in her dorm room only a few weeks, some mornings it still takes her a little while to remember where she is. The room is completely dark except for a ribbon of light shining around the door. Her roommate, Lindsay holds the door ajar with her foot while she whispers to someone in the hallway. Lindsay is saying goodbye to Jerod, who has shared her tiny dorm room bed the last three Friday nights. Whitney clicks on her bedside lamp as Lindsay squeezes back through the door.

Lindsay says, "Oh, sorry, I hope I didn't wake you up." Whitney replies, "No, I woke up because I'm starving. What time is it?" "Almost ten. We've gotta hurry if we're going to make breakfast at the dining hall."

They slip on sweats and flip flops and shuffle down the hallway toward the stairwell. Whitney teases, "So, this is the third weekend in a row withjerod? Getting pretty seri-ous, huh?"

Lindsay rolls her eyes, "Not even close. We're not even dating." Whitney says, "Well, you're sleeping together, aren't you? I hope you didn't lock

me out of our dorm room until 3 A.M. because you were just talking!" Lindsay says, "No, we are hooking up ... but we're not dating. We're ... I don't

know ... friends with benefits." "I thought you had to be friends before you could be friends with benefits. You just

met him a month ago. Haven't you only hung out like three times?" Lindsay laughs and says, "Good point. I think that, for some people, you have to be

friends to be friends with benefits, but I just mean that we're not in a relationship or anything like that."

"Okay ... " "We actually talked about it last weekend. He said he wasn't looking for a relation-

ship. He just got out of a long-term thing with his high school girlfriend, and he just wants to be single right now."

Whitney asks, "Is that what you want? You seemed pretty into him after that first night."

"Well, he's not looking for a relationship ... and I guess I don't really want that ei-ther. It's my first year at school, and I'm trying to have fun without being tied down. Plus, there are so many new things to get used to, and I'm so busy with school. I don't really need a boyfriend stressing me out even more. This way,Jerod and I just have fun when we're together, and then we do our own thing the rest of the time. When you stop and think about it, it's really the best of both worlds."

Whitney says, "Well, if that's what you want, then I'm happy for you! Anyway, what are we having for breakfast? I'm starving!"

Case 11 No Strings Attached 87

Fall Break

At 2 o'clock on a Sunday morning, the Phi Zeta Theta frat house is a wreck. Last year, as a first-year pledge, Jerod would have been up until dawn picking up beer bottles and keg cups while the upperclassmen crashed. Thankful to be a sophomore, and free from clean-up duties, he lounges in an armchair in the front room. One pledge, who escaped clean-up duty by volunteering as a designated driver, pulls his car into the cir-cle driveway to haul a group of the guys for a late-night run to Luigi's Pizza. jerod squeezes into the back seat next to his frat brother Matt and opens his phone to text-message Lindsay.

Matt says, "See if you can get some girls to meet us back at the house!" Jerod says, ''Yeah right, dude; you have a girlfriend." Matt says, "Relax. I'm just talking about hanging out! Besides, you have a girl-

friend too." "Who are you talking about? Lindsay?" "Don't play dumb. You haven't hung out with another chick this whole semester." "Maybe, but she's not my girlfriend." ''Yeah well, does she know that?" ''Yes." "Did you have 'the talk?' " ''Yeah, actually I told her from the beginning that I didn't want a girlfriend." Matt says, "The very beginning?" Jerod says, "Well, almost the beginning-after we'd hooked up like twice." "How did that go over?" "Urn, fine. I think she may have wanted to date at first, but once we talked, she

knew that wasn't going to happen. She's cool with it now. We just hang out when it's convenient for both of us."

"Like right now." ''Yup." Jerod clicks a message into his phone: "going to luigis rt now then back to

the house u coming over?"

***** Lindsay, Whitney, and their friends shuffle out of a bar called Moose's at last call. Their high heels click an irregular cadence on the cement sidewalk as they cling to each other for balance and warmth against the chilly autumn night. More than a little tipsy, and with their ears ringing from bar music, they trudge up the long hill back to campus. Lindsay's phone buzzes to life and a picture ofjerod appears on the screen. Actually, it's a picture of him and Matt, drunk at the Homecoming game. Whitney says, "Let me guess ... it'sjerod."

88 Part II Coming Together

Lindsay replies, "Good guess ... Surprise, surprise." Whitney asks, "Is there an after-party at Phi Zeta tonight?" Lindsay says, "I don't know ... He says they're picking up Luigi's and asked if I want

to come over." Whitney says, "Well, let's go then. Text him and tell him to get us a large supreme

with extra cheese! "Oh, pizza sounds so good right now! But ... I don't know if I want to." "Eat Luigi's or go to the house? Okay. Why not?" "Well, it kind of bugs me sometimes that he doesn't call or text until two in the

morning. Or, if we go to the bars or a party, we just get dnmk, hook up, and then pass out.

"And that's a bad thing? I thought that's what you said you wanted." Whitney says.

"Well, it is ... it was ... I don't know ... in some ways it's good-perfect really. I usually get to hang out with you guys and then see him later. But it wouldn't kill me if we hung out more often, outside of parties and stuff.

"Okay ... " "I guess I'm just a little confused aboutJerod's and my relationship." "But a few weeks ago, Linz, you said there wasn't any relationship," Whitney says. "Well, there isn't. Or there isn't supposed to be anyway. But sometimes I feel like .. .

I feel like I want something more, almost as if I like him or something." ''Yeah?" "I don't know," Lindsay shrugs, "I guess I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I

should just enjoy it while it lasts." "So are we going to meet the guys at Phi Zeta or not?" Whitney asks. "Sure, why not? The night is young!"

Finals Week

Jerod kicks open the large oak front door of Phi Zeta Theta, holding two 10-pound bags of ice in each hand. He holds the door for Matt, who inches past him carrying a folded up gaming table.

Jerod says, "You're setting up beer pong on the porch tonight? It's going to get cold later."

Matt replies, ''Yeah, I don't want a bunch of people spilling beer in the house-we don't have another deep clean before winter break."

Jerod sets the ice down in the foyer, claps his hands to warm them up, and follows Matt onto the porch. Matt's phone vibrates in his shirt pocket. "That's probably Kristin." Matt hands the table to Jerod and slides his thumb across his phone to read a text message.

Case 11 No Strings Attached 89

Jerod says, "Is she coming tonight?" "Yep. She finished her finals today so she's driving down for the weekend with one

of her roommates from State." Jerod leans the table on its side and unfolds the collapsible legs. "That's cool. I in-

vited this girljenna from my Spanish class so I'm hoping it's not all guys here tonight." "Oh really. What about Lindsay?" Jerod shmgs. "Urn, I don't know what she's up to tonight. Probably hanging out

with her friends or something." Jerod and Matt stand the table upright. As they walk back into the house, Matt

says, "I'm surprised you didn't invite her." "I don't know ... I hadn't really thought about asking Lindsay. We don't have to

hang out every weekend. Plus, I think I like this girljenna. I want to try to get to know her a little better, maybe ask her out."

Matt says, "Whatever happened to Mr. 'I just want to be single and not tied down?'" Jerod replies, "First of all, it's just a date. Second ... it depends on the person.

Lindsay is cute and cool and we have fun, and I think our arrangement works fine. But withjenna ... I don't know, I think there'sjust something more there."

Matt says, "What if Lindsay comes over anyway? How are you going to explain all of this?"

"I don't think I have to explain anything. Lindsay and I don't really get into each other's business-it's not like we're in a relationship. On the other hand, though ... well, I really don't know."

***** By 11:00 P.M.,josie's Grill is packed for the last party night before winter break. Whitney and her friends watch a basketball game on the big screen; their college team trails in a holiday tournament game. As the game's final seconds tick away, the group drowns its sorrows with a round of tequila shots. Whitney's phone buzzes on the table. She flips open her phone and reads a text from Lindsay: "omg im freaking out where are u"

Whitney clicks back: 'josies what happened" Lindsay's reply: "tell u when i get there" Twenty minutes later, Lindsay arrives, teary, her mascara smeared beneath red

eyes. Whitney nods toward the bathroom, and the women elbow their way through the mob toward the back of the bar. In the relative quiet of the bathroom, Lindsay fixes her makeup and tells her story to Whitney's reflection in the mirror.

"So, I told you before that I hadn't heard from Jerod all week, but I saw on his Face book page that there was a party at Phi Zeta."

''Yeah." "Well, I decided to go over there, just to check it out. I knew they'd be watching

the game or whatever."

90 Part II Coming Together

"Okay." "So, when I showed up, he was talking to some other girl. At first I just blew it off

and talked to some of his frat bi'others for a little bit. Matt and his girlfriend Kristin were there, so we played beer pong on the porch for a while."

"Uh-huh." "Then, when I went back into the living room, the other girl was sitting on

Jerod's lap!" "Oh geez. What did you do?" "Nothing; I just left. What could I do?" "Well ... " "It's not like I'm his girlfriend or anything. We're just hanging out and sleeping to-

gether. What was I going to say, 'I know we agreed two months ago that we were just friends with benefits and not in a relationship, but it hurts my feelings when another girl sits in your lap?' I don't think so .... "

"But if you didn't talk tojerod about it, how do you know it was anything? It could just be flirting and nothing else."

"Maybe, but I can't talk to him about it. I definitely can't bring up my feelings. I shouldn't even have feelings about him because we're not dating. I don't have a right to be hurt. And if I bring it up, then I'm just' that girl.'"

Whitney says, "Yeah, I see your point. It sucks to look like the uptight one who needs to know what you guys 'are.' "

Lindsay adds, "OR the crazy girl who said she was cool with just being friends with benefits but is suddenly all emotional now."

"True," Whitney says. Lindsay sighs and thumps her head back against the bathroom wall. "Ugh. There

was never supposed to be this kind of drama. That's exactly what I was trying to avoid since I started hooking up with Jerod. If I wanted to feel jealous and emotional, I would just have a real relationship."

Whitney leans against the wall beside her friend and says, "Maybe so, Lindz, but you're pretty deep in it now. So what are you going to do?"

For Further Thought and Reflection 1. How does communication (or lack of the same) help to create relational uncer-

tainty or ambiguity in this case? How do the characters communicate in an effort to handle or manage that uncertainty? What opportunities and obstacles for interact-ing arise when uncertainty is present?

2. Another source of ambiguity is the nature of the words used to describe actions and experiences. What terms are used in ambiguous or different ways across conversa-tions in this case?

Case 11 No Strings Attached 91

3. What does Lindsay mean when she says" that girl" near the end of the last conversa-tion? How does that term and what it represents inform our understanding of rela-tionship talk?

4. Some people seem to find it difficult to maintain the friends with benefits "agree-ment." What factors might contribute to this difficulty?

5. How do the characters in this case fit or contradict your understanding of mascu-line and feminine gender norms?

6. Does this case match your understanding of friends with benefits? In what ways is it similar or different? What other types of relationships are referred to as friends with benefits relationships?

References Amett,JJ. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through

the twenties. American Psychologist, 55, 469-480. Bisson, M., & Levine, T. (2009). Negotiating a friends with benefits relationship. Archives of

Sexual Behaviar, 38, 66-73. Epstein, M., Calzo,J.P., Smiler, A.P., & Ward, M. (2009). "Anything from making out to having

sex": Men's negotiations of hooking up and friends with benefits scripts. journal of Sex Research, 46, 414-424.

Hughes, M., Morrison, K., & Asada, K.J. (2005). What's love got to do with it? Exploring the impact of maintenance rules, love attitudes, and network support on friends with benefits re-lationships. Western Journal of Communication, 69, 49-66.

Mongeau, P., Shaw, C., & Knight, K. (2009). Friends with benefits. In H. Reis, H. Sprecher & S. Sprecher (Eds.), Encyclopedia of Human Relationships (Vol. 2, pp. 740-741). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Paul, E. L., & Hayes, K. A. (2002). The casualties of casual sex: A qualitative exploration of the phenomenology of college students' hookups. journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19, 639-661.

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