Neufeld Disruptive Behaviour

Community Education Service Child and Adolescent Addiction and Mental Health

Parenting a Child with Disruptive Behaviours

Art or Science?

o Managing children with explosive behaviour is both an art and science

o The art is knowing that it is more about who you are in relationship to these children then what you do

o The Science is the actual strategies you will use in addressing the behaviour

o ButStrategies alone are never enough

Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum

1. Childs temperament and other characteristics

How would you describe the childs temperament?

What motivates him/her?

2. The history of interactions between parent-child

What gets a reaction, what does not?

What does the child get for good vs. bad behaviour?

Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum...

3. Parent/Caregiver personality

How would you describe yours or the parents temperament? Yours or the parents threshold for stress, excitement, intimacy

4. All the other bits of familys environment

Events, situations and stressors that may have affected the child

Face an increasing gap between expectations and abilities

Provoke negative responses from caregivers, teachers, and peers

May not have developed the brain pathways required for planning, tying actions to consequences, impulse control, perspective taking, etc.

Children with Behavioral Issues

Traditional strategies such as time outs, ignoring, withdrawal of privileges, etc. can be ineffective and sometimes even make things worse.

Children with Behavioral Issues...

Developmental vs. Behavioural Mistakes

Developmental Errors

Children are trying to make the correct response

Errors are accidental

Learning requires exploration

They need additional or modified teaching

Behavioural Errors

Children are trying to be disruptive - that is, to make an incorrect response

Errors are deliberate

Children should not explore limits; they should obey them

Children with behavioural difficulties need discipline

Adapted from Louise Porter, Ph.D.

Children with Behavioural Issues: Assumptions

These children need patience more than discipline

Most pestering behaviour is really a bid for connection or attention

These children are often inept at giving accurate cues

Winning Hearts and Minds

Do not insist on parenting or disciplining until the child has been properly collected (connecting before correcting)

The more impossible to be around children are, the more they are indicating their need to be collected and reclaimed

But we must first come to terms with the futility of addressing behaviour and focus on the task of restoring relationship

Collecting Before Correcting

The collecting dance is most obvious in infant-parent pairs:

Engaging the face in a friendly way

Providing something for the child to hold on to

Inviting dependence

Acting as the childs compass point

Engaging the Face

More difficult with children who have behaviour problems, are resistant to relationship, or entering their teen years

Especially important after separation: physical separation or after distancing due to misunderstanding or anger

This is different from insisting that a child look at you when youre discipliningfor children with behavioural issues forcing them to look at you may not be effective or helpful.

Sorry??

It is often more important to help children demonstrate an act of repair after an incident of bad behaviour i.e. modelling gentle touch or sharing with their peer rather than insisting on the words Im sorry.

Something To Hold On To

Signs of spontaneous affection are potent

Emotional warmth, enjoyment and delight activate the attachment system

A twinkle in your eye, warmth in your voice and physical affection invite connection

For defended children you may need to focus on less vulnerable offerings: conveying a sense of sameness, being on their side, engaging them in play

Touch

Touch deprivation has been shown to impair development

In premature baby studies, massaged babies went home six days earlier than babies in the control group

Touch decreases stress hormones and increases

serotonin, the body's own antidepressant.

Tiffany Fields, Ph.D.

Inviting Dependence

You can trust us, count on us, lean on us, be cared for by us

We sometimes fear that inviting dependence is inviting regression

But, caregivers who invite dependence are more likely to be successful in fostering independence in the end

Allow them to lean without any sense of shame for their neediness

Acting as the Compass Point

Children are inclined to keep close to their compass point

The more we orient them, the more inclined they are to keep close to us

This is what were doing today

This is where Ill be

This is who will be taking care of you

This is who you ask if you need help

I can see youre going too far with this

Let me show you how this works

Reframing Resistance

A child with behavioural issues may know what is expected, but is unable to deliver

This may be a problem of maturity, emotional regulation, anxiety, insecurity, delayed development

Discipline that Doesnt Divide

During the incident take charge and try to change the situation if necessary

This isnt good, I can tell your frustrated, but there are better ways to express your frustration, well talk about this laterfor now, lets take a break

Preserve the relational connection

I can help, well get through this and be OK

Once feelings have calmed and defences have diminished, re-collect the child, re-connect and get down to work

Access the Intervention Point

The key to intervening with aggressive behaviour is to perceive the child as frustrated

If we remember that aggression is an emotional problem, not a behavioural one everything else will follow.

Focus on frustration instead of behaviour

Render the form of attack less violating

Solicit good intentions, I can see what you were trying to get done, You really wanted to do it your way, I can see that

Help the futility sink in, But thats a decision/job for a grownup [or for Mom or Dad].

Reduce exposure to provoking situations

Examples Enforceable Statements

Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.

My car is leaving at 8 a.m.

Ill take you guys to the places you want to go in the car when I dont have to worry about fighting in the back seat

Ill be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.

I give allowance to those who finish their chores.

Ill provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.

Ill be happy to buy you the clothes I feel are appropriate.

Attachment Relationship with Primary Caregiver

Language Development

Self-Regulation

Empathy

Social Skills

School Readiness

Building Blocks

Childrens Arch Model

Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT

There are two things that secure children know: that their caregiver is available should they need them, and that they are worth it

Be consistent about the reliability of routine and relationship, this gives children a sense of security through structure and a sense of belonging

Childrens Arch Model

Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT

To communicate that your are available and that the child is worth it:

Identify activities that the child finds particularly enjoyable (e.g., reading books, riding bikes, playing cards), and

Set aside at least one period of time a day to engage in them, no matter how difficult the day may have been. This can be as little as 15 minutes each day.

Principle 2: BEHAVIOR AS NEED

Always view their problem behaviour as the expression of a genuine need

Some children have learned that they are generally not heard or that their needs are not noticed until they escalate their adult-grabbing behaviour high enough that they cannot be ignored

Principle 3: CUES AND MISCUES

Children who are generally seen, heard, and understood learn to cue their needs directly and anticipate that they will be met

When a caregiver has difficulty meeting their childs needs or is inconsistent, the child will adjust her behaviour to stay in relationship, and may begin to miscue needs.

Pain Miscue

For example, if a caregiver believes that big boys dont cry, their child may learn that when they fall, they should not cry out, or seek comfort

To correct this, the caregiver would need to go to him, pick him up and say, Oh, boy, that really looked like it hurt. Lets go wash it off and find a band-aid. Let me hold you, and so on

With this consistent response the child will stop miscuing and learn to cue directly.

Principle 4: BEING WITH

Be willing to be with the child in intense emotion rather than trying to make it stop

Be an emotional coach

This is tough, but it wont last forever

Im here

Principle 5: REPAIR

Despite your best efforts, there will be times when you fail miserably, moments during which you disrupt your connection and challenged your childs trust

Consider disruptions in your relationship as an opportunity to repair, to build intimacy

Principle 6: STATE OF MIND

These children may shake your sense of self to the very core

This is not of course an easy or comfortable process

The childs needs may be triggering you

Expect this and talk about it with other trusted adults

Challenges

What gets in the way of being the caregiver you want to be to this child?

Emotional tender spots

Temperament match/mismatch

Strategies

Floor time

Emotional Regulation

Transitioning Children

Importance of Praise

Support Peer Interaction and Play

Engaging Parents in the Plan

Case example

Calling in extra help (CMHC)

Floor Time

Establish Floor Time, where the child gets to be the director of the play

This will give you opportunities to label the childs feelings, build a positive connection with the child, find out what is on the childs mind and in their heart and give your child positive attention.


Adapt to the childs temperament. Avoid over stimulating and provide him with calming activities

One-on-one floor time allows the child opportunities to express their feelings both positive and negative

Teach the child to label their feelings and the feelings of others (happy, sad, mad, scared). All feelings are okay but we need to be safe with our feelings.


Teach and model conflict resolution or problem solving skills

Handle tantrums with empathy

Lets take a rest


Transitioning from one activity to another can be difficult for young children especially children with behavioral difficulties

Smoother transitions occur by posting the classroom schedule (with pictures for young children), giving a five minute warning, flicking lights, ringing a bell, standard clapping rhythm, timer or an hour glass can be helpful.


Young children do not have a concept of time so something concrete and visual is important

You can also use circle time to help teach children about the classroom schedule, first we go to music then we have lunch.

Importance of Praise

Research indicates that adults give 3 to 15 times as much attention to childrens misbehavior than to positive behaviors

Increase use of praise, attention and encouragement of positive behaviors

Clear and Specific, labeled praise describes the particular behavior you would like to see. I like that you remembered to keep your hands to yourself

Show Enthusiasm, the impact of a praised statement increases using verbal and non-verbal means of conveying enthusiasm.

Support Peer Interaction and Play

Model appropriate words and actions to enter the play, communicate with his peers

Caregivers facilitate social interactions, providing suggestions, cues or ways to solve problems to guide interactions

Providing guidance on feelings and social cues

Play partnering: setting up activities that promote peer relationships and cooperative play

Engaging Parents in the Plan

What we know is that family involvement has positive effects on childrens academic, social competence and school quality

Building a closer relationship with parents can be an effective way to build a closer relationship with the child. Ways to build and support collaboration with parents might include phone calls, notes home about childs success, invitation to parent to attend a brown bag lunch or some special event (if child is student of the day or week).

Parenting from the Inside Out

How one makes sense of their childhood experiences will have a significant impact on how they parent their own children. Two good resources are:

Parenting From the Inside Out

By Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell

Hold On To Your Kids By Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

Acknowledgement

We would like to acknowledge the contributions of the many clinicians who participated in our Focus Groups and thus contributed to refreshing the content of this presentation. As well, we would like to thank the following clinicians who have gone the extra mile and made significant editorial and/or content contributions to this Presentation:

Marlene ONeill-Laberge, MSW, RSW,

Child and Family Specialist, CAMHP

Nicole Nagy, MSc., R. Psych.,

Collaborative Mental Health Care (CMHC)

Bibliography*

o Parenting From the Inside Out Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell

o Hold on to your kids Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

*These resources are available from your local library and/or from

the Library at The Family and Community Resource Centre [contact

number: 403-955-7745]

Community Education Service

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Neufeld Disruptive Behaviour