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Quiz! Are You Married?

It can be tricky to find out if you’re actually married or in a long term relationship that would make it a tad rude for you to be out dating

people. Let Jen and Dana help you find out.

1. Do you remember a legal ceremony where you answered a question with the phrase “I do”?

2. Does your bathroom have matching hand towels labeled his and hers?

3. Is there a person in your cell phone address book labeled wife/husband?

4. Does your bank account have two names on it? 5. Do you wake up beside the same person every morning? 6. Are there children that live in your home that resemble you, or

does one of these children go by the name Junior? 7. Do you have a tacky photo album covered in white satin and

lace that is labeled “Our Wedding”? 8. Do you own a mini- van? 9. When you drive this mini van do you sometimes have to

readjust the seat, as if someone else had been sitting in it? 10. Have you noticed that there are more dishes in the sink than

you could have possibly dirtied? 11. Do you have closets filled with clothes that do not belong to

you? 12. Is there a person that’s not related to you that ends your

conversations with “I love you” or calls you by an endearing term?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, then chances are you might be married. You might try checking at the courthouse or perhaps asking the person living in your house if you are married or otherwise committed to them. Notice we did not offer our congratulations due to the fact that this quiz is not designed to assess the happiness of your union. When you find the person you might be married to, the next step is to openly discuss dating people who are not your partner, and also to discuss your partner with the people you are wanting to date. If you have not done both these things, and yet are dating unsuspecting nerdfoxes, please punch yourself.

Find Your: Super Secret Alter-Ego By: Joanna S AKA. The Mighty Snork, Protector of Frippery who controls the forces of Whipped Topping. Yes, we all have one lurking within. Some of us may be more in-touch with this declarative-sentence-making, large-object-scaling, bizarre-spandex-wearing side of our personality. Others may need a little more help. To find the Super Secret Alter-Ego that's right for you, I suggest this handy, semi-mystical method. Simply put yourself into a light trance. Take the index finger of one hand (Warning: left-pointing may skew your Alter-Ego towards the sinister). Close your eyes and run your finger up and down each column in turn until the power within bids you stop. Do this three times, until you have three separate names (one Title, one Salutation, one Provenance, and one Aegis). Then combine them using the formula below. And Viola!

Please remember to use your Alter-Ego for good (non-destructive evil is probably acceptable too). “Title” “Salutation” of “Provenance” who harnesses the power of “Aegis”

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Aegis: Giant Herring

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spend time with a first tall, dark, and handsome super-babe I’d met. He spoke three languages, traveled the world, and could cook like nobody’s business. He basically had my heart in a jar beside his bed, with me ready to bust through his bed room walls to ravage him. Oh, the invitation was there (lying fully to one side of the bed with the light dimmed, door open, and “that look” on his face is a sign, right?), but I didn’t make things happen. Then he moved. To another country. Without me. Bohunks will do that. Then I met guy number two. He was nice and funny and made me laugh a lot, which is a major plus. We played cards together, discussed sustainable farming, chatted until the stars were beginning to fade into the morning sky, wandered through the forest to my cabin in the woods and then… played more cards and went to sleep. The interest was mutual, but darn it if neither one of us made a move. All night in my mind I was practicing my mantra, “Would you like some tea? Would you like to make out?” I even practiced aloud, though not too loudly. Somehow it never got past my lips louder than a whisper, and I ended up alone in bed, again, cursing myself. As a result of these mishaps, I began to spend more time trying to build a time machine and fix those failed situations than figuring out how to move forward with new nerdfoxes. I realized that if Napoleon Dynamite and Kip couldn’t assemble a time machine, chances were I couldn’t either. Nerdfox zine to the rescue. I re-read the guide, met another rad guy who was visiting the area (I’m telling you, three non-offensive men in five months is an absolute record here), and put my plan into action. It’s all about making things happen!!! I hitched a ride with a nun for the seven hour trip to his city, and met up with said nerdfox, and made things happen. Make out sesh, check. Double check, in fact. What gave me the confidence third time around, you ask? Not desperation, but a feeling of confidence and comfort in being with said nerdfox. He is witty and smart. He has lots of freckles and pretty feet. He knows a lot about labor organizing and can’t finish any book he begins. He likes his family, watches too much tv, and wants to learn to tango. He’s a nerdfox, and I like him. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Stalking the Wild Nerdfox by Zach C While Nerdfoxes may not have the nutritional value of wild edibles, they offer a unique pleasure all their own, avidly sought by those with refined taste. –Editor Finding large groups—a pride, pack, gaggle, herd—what have you—of nerdfoxes is easy! They have been known to congregate at events like conventions, any competition of home built equipment (e.g. home made rafts or potato guns), political rallies for unique or honest candidates (e.g. Dennis Kucinich, or any random Socialist), teach-ins for concerned people, any sort of demonstration (against war, for people or the earth), religious services that practice meditation till it hurts, celestial events (like comet viewings or meteor showers), nerdrock concerts (put your preferred band here), and even sports events (the nerdfoxes are the people that come up with chants that scare their own team). Small groups of nerdfoxes are a bit more difficult, but you can still bump into them… roaming the trails of the nearest wilderness area, drinking and playing board games in intellectually friendly bars or cooperatively owned coffeehouses, or working with Food Not Bombs, wading in a public fountain with their pants rolled up, in a study room, talking philosophy at 3am in the local 24 hour diner, sledding down a hill on a cafeteria tray after a snow, or lip syncing “Free To Be You and Me” and playing instruments made out of Lincoln Logs in the basement. Discovering an individual nerdfox is like sighting a rare bird or getting a missile shield to work, it takes careful planning and usually some inside information so you can be in the right place at the right time. An expert may find them prowling the streets, camping on the side of a highway, in a city park, or on a cliff, sitting on park benches reading newspapers or knitting scarves in the summer, napping under or in a tree, roaming the art museum, sitting in their car with the radio on listening to NPR with the engine off, in the library digging through the stacks for a rare book, or in a computer lab texting other people in the same computer lab.

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