YOU'RE A NERD IF:

1) you know the difference between a nerd and a geek, i.e., which one is the intellectual gourmet and which one is the intellectual gourmand

2) I say you're “cute, cute, cute” and you know I'm complimenting you without repeating myself

3) you don't need a laugh track to know when to laugh, and don't need a guide to tell you when or how to turn on your TV or computer

4) in all probability you know and savor the difference between a Heisenberg and a Heineken

5) you know where you weigh in on any number of scales, including the Autism-Spectrum Quotient and Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development

6) you know why Pericles wore his helmet at festivities where Bacchus was an honored guest

7) you understand the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey and know who has wormed holes in the theory that this is the way to the future

8) you know which teams Daryl McBride and Eric Raymond play for. Give yourself an extra point if you pick the winner, and if it's going to be decided by Halloween.

9) people call you dweeb or whatever their choice word is for someone who is 'too' smart, then they ask you if you know how to tie your shoelaces

10) you know these real puzzlers: Charles M. Green and Mary Westmacott

11) your curiosity is boundless, inventive and audacious

12) you're not phobic about penguins

13) you wonder what the world would be like if people saw more beauty in numbers than in their hairdos

14) you heed Seneca's warning that the fates lead those who will and drag those who don't. So you don't make any apologies for being smart, because you know, as Santayana did, that your intelligence is your weapon against fate.

15) you know who said this: “The fastest way to succeed is to double your failure rate.”

16) you wonder what light sees when it looks at a photon

17) you have asked how fast you're moving when you're standing still, and you've done the calculations, never confusing velocity with speed

18) you know who was in the background when he discovered the midground

19) when you were a kid, you wanted to know what are the minimum number of dimensions needed to make a universe, and before you left elementary school you had figured out how many elephants can stand on the same chair

20) when something goes wrong it's common for people to respond by asking, “Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” Nerds, on the other hand, are more likely to say, “How did this happen to me? What haven't I learned?”

21) you know the correct answer to this: Is the universe conscious?

22) you have a keen sense of irony. Nerds are notorious for being socially inept. Yet you notice people think nothing of razzing you with rude, uncouth, hyper-critical, pejorative and dismissive remarks for wearing a pen holder and/or clothes that aren't fashionable.

23) you wonder why we can't grasp infinity. Like, you have to ask, just where and when is the universe, exactly? In relation to what?

24) you wonder why there's something instead of nothing, and if nothing can exist given that existence is something

25) you're fascinated with the concept of time, especially its mind-warping paradoxes like how we can't experience the moment without at the same time losing it, yet the moment is eternal

26) as Plato said, dying is the business of philosophers, you can see why there are so few philosophers and why so many people spend their lives avoiding the painful necessity of thought

27) you're credited with having no sense of humor, yet you create the entertainment others need to get their laughs

28) in expressing yourself as an individual, you get labeled eccentric, but you don't give into the criticism because you're fearless in being true to yourself as an individual

29) your sense of justice oftentimes has you at odds with mainstream morality

30) you know what to do with fart wax, not necessarily because you use it, but because it's such a curious phrase

31) you went through the whole quiz, dwelling more on the list items you're not sure how to answer. Because for you, understanding is both the means and the end.

If you scanned haphazardly down to here without pausing to consider why I chose the dual portrait image to start the quiz, you probably pride yourself on not being a nerd. But you're half way to being one, because you share something with all nerds: a well-developed curiosity that leads you to places that expand your purview even when you're just cruising.If you made it through the whole quiz and made an honest effort in considering each of the items: CONGRATULATIONS! You're a nerd, and as such, a full member of the smart-set, an exalted tribe that includes the greatest thinkers, scholars, explorers, inventors, artists, leaders, scientists, philosophers, builders, athletes and other preternatural achievers who have ever lived on this planet Earth and/or in our imaginations.