MyThoughts.rtf

8/13/2019 MyThoughts.rtf

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I'm depressed.

For months, I've been depressed.

I may appear happy, cracking jokes, talking about my favorite shows and talking aboutall the things I want to do with my RP characters. I like talking. I talk to everyone I know,multiple times of the day. I let them know that I love them, and I always attempt to start aconversation with them, be it about ideas I had, shows we both love, or just an imagefrom a website I see online.

I love talking.

hat's better. I love talking. !ecause it makes me feel like I do some sort of impressionon the world around me. !ut at the same time, I get scared. "# I, as a person, make animpression on people around me$ "o they remember me, think about me, talk about me

with others$ %aybe. I don't know. &nd that scares me. Further more, do I leave a goodimpression, or a bad one$ If it's bad, then I'd rather not make an impression to begin

with. !ut. I want to.

I'm still depressed.

%y mother died the (th of )ovember, *+ . %y mother meant the world to me. heloved me, and I loved her back. &nd with such a shitty family and upbringing I had, I amglad I had mom there. he fought for years to get me proper treatment, and learn that Ihad autism. he took care of me. aught me things. !ut then she just died. Right in frontof me.

- ust think of something else-, is what I've heard from some people.

)o. "on't give me that. /ou imagine seeing your beloved relative fall over and die right infront of you. 0atch their cold eyes stare up at you, as you flip them over and try toperform 1PR. It's eerie. &lmost as if they're staring at you. %y mother died instantly. 2erheart simply stopped, because the artries.. or whatever the fuck they're called.. wereclogged up around them. Imagine s3uee4ing a water hose. )othing got through.

!ut during the moment. &ll I could see were her empty eyes. he shade of brown that'susually full of life replaced with an empty and cold stare. !ut at the same time, was she


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conscious enough to know that I was trying$ 0as she staring up at me and trying herbest to tell me5 -"on't worry. /our life will be okay. ry your best without me. I'm sure youcan do it. ust as I've done for you. 6oodbye. I'll watch over you from above.-

I cried a little. I cry a lot. I just cried writing that last paragraph. I don't know what %om wanted back then, if she even wanted something to begin with. &ll I know is.. that I try.&fter a few minutes, the paramedics arrived and tried their best to help %om live. heytook her on a stretcher and left the apartment with my aunt. I sat on the bed ne7t to mygrandmother the entire time.

It.. was kind of soothing. 2ard, but soothing. 6randma was my second favorite personalive. he was always there for me too. !ut while it was soothing, I did mention it washard. he's senile. he didn't even reali4e that %om had died. )ot until a week after,

when she started crying. he kept saying how she and %om were going out shopping.

6etting a haircut. #r anything, really.

6randma wasn't the only one who snapped a week later. %y aunt snapped. &ll this time,I kept hearing how I should rela7. 2ow everything will work out. 2ow I had thepermission to stay there as long as I could, until I found an apartment of my own. I

wouldn't have to worry about paying for food.

87cept when it came to her chocolate bar and me snapping off two verticals to eat. hegrabbed a knife. & honest to god knife. he started shouting at me. 0hat a leech I was.0hat a horrible person I was. I hid in my room and locked the door. he continued toshout.

-/ou're the reason your mother died.-

I snapped myself. I started to cry too.

-/ou're the biggest burden on your mother, and now on me and everyone else aroundyou.-

I slammed up the door. I punched her. I yelled. I went back inside. he continued to


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scream. he got madder and madder. !ut all I kept thinking was.. I wanted to leave. Ipacked my stuff, the things I could. I grabbed my games and my laptop. ome clothes.

he usual. I put it all on and stormed out the door, +*pm on a snowy "ecember night.

I took the train, obviously, and went to stay with my friend. !oy, was that a bu44kill. 0hileI didn't get particularly sad, I didn't get to be that happy either. 2e's a rather blandperson, only laughing at his own jokes which are boring, and playing the same boring%#!& games, day in, day out.

!ut, I found a silver lining. ort of. I found an apartment. I got some help with somefunding. I got an inheritence from my mothers death. hat crafty woman. "id she knowshe had a work insurance after all this time$ #r would this be a big of a surprise to heras it was to me$ )evertheless, I moved into my new apartment on "ecember 9rd. I hadmy sister's husband help me, because lord knows, she couldn't fucking help her onlysibling with anything.

1hristmas 8ve, and the days that followed.

orture. 8mpty. )othing.

I had no furniture.

I had a bed, desk, laptop.. that's about it, really. It's something, but not enough. I had nointernet either. %y 1hristmas day was spent crying over an ordered meal. he days after

were spent just the same. %y router was late, and I first got it around )ew /ears. 8veryday until then was empty. orture. #R :R8. 0ell, I had some outside connection. &few months earlier, I bought a ; to


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!ut, when my internet came back, and I finally got some furniture, my life headed a bitup. I was happier, I got back to RPing on the forum I was on, and things seemed to go abit smoother. &ll until I had a run in with a person on that forum I RPed on.

I don't want to go into details, but we solved it, me and this other person. 0e decided tostill act cool. )ot as good friends as before, mind you, but still to the point where wecould socialise.

... :ntil FuckFace %c6o"ie butted in.

I like that name for him. I'll keep insulting him with it. !ecause holy fuck, I hate him. I

hate him with everything I could possibly hate a person with. 2e was never involved inmy argument with the other person, but he felt as if he needed to butt in. 2e thought I

was a horrible person. 2e started attacking me. !e it via skype, steam, and even forumP%s. he admin, the biased bitch that she was, let him. &nd thus, I entered the second

wave of depression.

I felt like shit.

I had nothing fun to do anymore.

I couldn't RP anymore. I love RPing. &nd 0riting.

uddenly, a glimmer of hope appeared.

2ayate, one of my friends from years earlier, told me about a site she had joined.2yakuji. I joined too, because anything was better than nothing. 2ayate helped me a lotthat time. &nd if she wasn't there to tell me about 2yakuji, I'd be dead. I would haveprobably gone out to kill myself. I know how, and this is disturbing to me. I know e7actlyhow I could kill myself in this city. I live near the docks and a train station. 8itherdrowning or jumping out of a moving train. #r I could simply go to the water tower and

jump from there. & lot of possibilities. "rinking soap was another one.


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!ut.. killing myself isn't worth it.

illing myself would be selfish, and bring sadness upon anyone who might've actually given a flying fuck about me. )obody deserves to be sad. I knowthis now. &nd I never want to feel sad, and I never want anyone around me to feel sad.

2ayate saved my life.

&ctually, 2yakuji as a whole saved my life.

8veryone saved my life.

ome people can be rude, and some people can be nice. ome people can be anything.&nything. 8verything. uch a colorful crowd of people. I fit right at home at 2yakuji. 8venif I was one to start drama a few..lot of times, I still love it. I was close to leaving, but Idon't want to. I love RPing. I love my friends I got there. I love every single one of myfriends.

%y friends matter to me.

If I can't help them, I feel bad.

I feel so much fucking empathy for a person online, when they simply say they feel bad.

#r something bad happens. I want to repay people with the kindness they've given me.he privilege they've given me of being their friend.

&nd as the months have gone by, I've struggled.


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I'm still struggling.

Fighting.

!eating depression with ?7 attack booster power finisher.

& critical hit$ )ot sure.

I'm not sure it's even going to hit.

!ut that won't stop me from trying.

I'll try my very best, because I know I have my friends rooting for me.

0hen I said at the beginning that I'm depressed, I wasn't lying.

!ut it's because I'm depressed that I know there's something better to strive for. I don't want to be depressed. I'd rather fight on and enjoy myself to the fullest. I have issues inmy life right now, all easily summed up by -%oney- and -6overnment-.

!ut I'll fight against those problems. &nd fight against my dark thoughts. I'll be happy, Iam happy, I think I can be happy. I know I can be happy.

&nd if you, as a person I sent this to, read all of this$

hank you.

From the bottom of my heart, I'll thank you, with all of my tears and all of my affection.&nd you, as a person, can feel better about yourself, knowing you're one of the people I


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adore and keep close in my life.

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MyThoughts.rtf