MY DIVORCED SISTER

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. HOME - DAY

The doorbell rings. A few seconds later, LEXY (60, GreekAmerican, with accent) opens the door to reveal her daughterLYDIA (33, attractive).

LEXYLydia. Hi. What brings you here?

LYDIAI need to, uh, tell you something.

LEXYCome in.

Lydia walks in, and Lexy closes the door behind her.

LEXYI think I know what youre gonnasay.

LYDIAYou do?

LEXYOf course I do. Im your mother. Iknow. Youre pregnant.

LYDIASays who?

LEXYWell. I mean, youre 33, and youcame here to tell me something.

LYDIAMom--life isnt all about havingkids. I can be 33 and drop by totalk about something else--like,um, work, or, um, politics.

LEXYYou came over here to talk aboutpolitics?

LYDIAMaybe I did.

LEXYOK. Well. Heres something Ivealways wondered about politics. Whodoes the Presidents laundry?

2.

LYDIAIs this your idea of a politicaldiscussion?

LEXYIts just weird to think thatsomeone handles his underwear for aliving. Oh. Did you know that SpiroT Agnew was Greek? Ill bet when hewas Vice President, his motheroffered to do his laundry. AllGreek mothers are like that. Itsnot just me. All Greek mothers. Sodont get mad the next time I see ahamper full of underwear at yourhouse, and I want to wash it.

LYDIAMom--Im not here to talk aboutunderwear. Or politics.

The doorbell rings again.

LEXYHold that thought.

Lexy opens the door to reveal her daughter ZOE (32,attractive, thin). Zoe sees Lydia and Lexy.

ZOEHey. Um. Am I interruptingsomething?

LEXYNo. We were just talking aboutpolitical underwear.

ZOEOh. Well. I, uh--I just dropped byto tell you something.

LEXYI think I know what youre about tosay. Youre pregnant.

ZOENo.

LEXYWell. Come in. And for goodnesssake, Zoe--eat something whileyoure here. No wonder youre notpregnant. You look way too thin tobe ovulating.

3.

(to Zoe and Lydia)By the way, girls--when you hit 35,your eggs arent gonna be asovulate-able as they used to be.So, you know. Keep that in mind.

Zoe walks in, and Lexy closes the door behind her.

LYDIAYou said Zoe looks thin. Whichmeans you think Im fat.

LEXYHow does it mean that?

LYDIAYou know. You said she looks thin,and you said I look pregnant.

LEXY(to Zoe)

So what did you come here to tellme?

ZOEWell. Um. Lets see. How shall Iput this? ... You know that guy whokeeps on pissing me off?

LEXYWhat guy who keeps on pissing youoff?

ZOEThe one who lives at my apartment.

LEXY... You mean your husband?

ZOEYeah. Were, uh, getting some legaldocuments.

LEXYWhat legal documents?

ZOEThe ones you get at the end of amarriage.

LEXY... You mean divorce papers?

4.

ZOEYes.

LEXY(concerned)

What? Oh, dear.

Lexy hugs Zoe.

LEXYIm so sorry.

Meanwhile, Lydia is looking at Zoe with an ice coldexpression. Seconds later, Zoe notices her. They look ateach other for a few seconds.

ZOE(annoyed, curious)

What?

LYDIAI came here to tell mom thatIm getting a divorce!

ZOEExcuse me?

LYDIAMe and Chris are getting a divorce.Thats what I came here to tellmom. But you just had to announce adivorce right before I announced mydivorce, so you could steal myspotlight. This is so typical ofyou.

ZOEMom--shes crazy! Are you gonna saysomething?

LEXYAre you two hungry? Ive got somefood in the oven.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Lexy puts a tray of spanakopita (Greek spinach pie) on akitchen table where Zoe and Lydia are seated.

LEXYI wouldve made more--but I didntknow the two of you would drop byto announce your divorces.

5.

LYDIATheres enough food here for tenpeople.

LEXYWell. You know. I made some extra,just in case someone dropped by.

ZOEMom. Why are we eating spanakopitaright now?

LEXYWhy wouldnt we? Honey--are youdoing that stupid low carb thingagain?

ZOE... Lets rewind back a fewminutes. I told you that Imgetting a divorce. Lydia told youthat shes getting a divorce. Andnow, were staring at a tray ofspanakopita. Does that make senseto you?

LEXYYes. Honey. Listen. You need toeat.

ZOEIm pretty sure me and Lydia needto be trashing our husbands rightnow. Thats the custom when youannounce a divorce.

LEXYRight now, lets just have somehigh carbs, and maybe figure outwhere you two are gonna live.

LYDIAWell. Lets see. Zoes rich--so shecan live wherever. As for my brokeass, my rents due soon, and Imnot gonna stick around to pay it.So I was hoping to stay here andeat spanakopita for, like, a year.

LEXYSee? Its a good thing I made somuch.

6.

ZOE(casually)

Yeah. By the way, Im not richanymore.

LYDIAWhat do you mean?

ZOEI have less money than you do.

LYDIAWhat are you talking about? Yourewearing the same Louboutin heelsthat Angelina Jolie wears, and youlive in a penthouse apartment nextto the Baldwins.

ZOEBaldwins? My neighbor is BillyBaldwin. Id rather live next doorto a crack addict. And I probablywill soon.

LEXYBut the Dodgers gave Sebastian $7million. And youre his wife. Soyou get half.

ZOEWell. Theres some extra math youhave to do first. Sebastian got cutfrom the team two years ago--sothey only gave him 4 million of his$7 million contract.

LEXYAnd you get half.

ZOETheres more math. The governmentand Sebastians agent and managergot 2 million of the 4 million. Sothat only leaves 2 million.

LEXYAnd you get half.

ZOEMore math. We also lost money on aninvestment.

7.

LYDIAWhat investment?

ZOESebastian invested in a companythat makes nostalgic cigarettes forsenior citizens.

LYDIAUm. What?

ZOEYeah. Its a company thatencourages people in their 70s tostart smoking again. We lost$500,000 on that.

LEXYAnd that leaves 1.5 million. Andyou get half.

ZOEWell. We also spent some money onrent, and cars, and shoes, andmiscellaneous.

LEXYSo. What do you get half of?

ZOEWell. Lets see. Right now, wereabout to be evicted, we have$53,000 in credit card debt, andour main assets are my Louboutinheels.

LEXYAnd, um--you get half.

ZOEYes. That means I get my left shoe.

LYDIAI guess nows a bad time to ask youfor a loan.

ZOEI can loan you my Mercedes. Betweennow and the time I have to returnit to the dealership.

8.

LYDIAAnd when do you have to return it?

LEXY4 oclock. Last Wednesday. Thedealership keeps on calling andleaving messages about that. Theywont stop. Its pathetic. Theyrelike some crazy ex-boyfriend whodoesnt understand that ourrelationship is over.

LYDIAWell, the good news is, soontheyll stop calling.

LEXYGreat.

LYDIAAnd the bad news is, theyll sendover a repo guy to take your carand beat your ass.

LEXYListen, girls. I was thinking.Since I dont have much room here,how about you move into the condoon Oak Street? My tenant just movedout two days ago.

LYDIABut you need the rent money. Icant even pay my half of it rightnow. And as youre well aware, mysisters assets are a shoe, a 24inch waist, and 5 cents worth ofjob skills.

ZOEHey! Ill have you know that I havea 23 inch waist.

LEXY(to both of them)

Dont worry about rent money rightnow. Listen. Theres a furnishedapartment five blocks from here.

(Looks at Zoe)You should live there.

(Looks at Lydia)And you should live there. The twoof you. Together. You may not

(MORE)

9.

LEXY (contd)realize it right now, but its justwhat you need. I think so. And yourfather, God rest his soul, wouldthink the same thing. OK? Lets go.

LYDIAWhat? Now?

LEXYAbsolutely now. You know whatmoping is?

LYDIAYes.

LEXYWell. By moving into thatapartment, you wont be moping.Youll be moving.

LYDIAExcuse me?

LEXYMoving isnt moping. Moping isntmoving. Why mope when you can move?Move. Dont mope.

ZOEMom. We just got here.

LEXYAnd now were moving. Lets go.Move it.

ZOEWhat about the spanakopita?

LEXYWell take it with us.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

The three of them park on the street in front of abuilding--Zoe in her Mercedes, Lydia in her Honda, and Lexyin her Volkswagen.

10.

INT. APARTMENT UNIT - DAY

The door opens. Lexy, Lydia, and Zoe walk in to a small,semi-furnished, one bedroom apartment. Zoe is holding twotupperware containers full of spanakopita.

ZOE(to empty room)

Lucy--Im home.

LEXYGirls. This is a lovely apartment.And now youre single, and you canhave all the fun you had when youwere 22 and fresh out of college.

ZOEYeah. And as an added bonus, Im adecade older, Im a soon-to-bedivorcee with no money or jobskills, and I need to startBotoxing last Wednesday at 4oclock.

LEXYWhat nonsense. Youre a a vibrant,energetic girl with plenty ofskills. Isnt that right, Lydia?

Lydia looks at Zoe.

LYDIAYou need to start Botoxing? Impretty sure you started two yearsago at 4 oclock.

LEXYGirls. Listen. You two are gonnalove living here.

LYDIAI feel fat.

LEXYEveryone feels fat when they moveinto a new apartment.

Lydia grabs one of the tupperware containers from Zoe, opensit, takes out of piece of spanakopita, and starts eating it.

LEXYLets, uh, take a look around.

She walks them over to the bedroom. They notice a bare bed.

11.

ZOEWe forgot to bring sheets andblankets and pillows.

LEXYDont worry. Ill bring some over.Its a lovely bedroom.

ZOEIt is. But it only has one bed. Inother words, Im a 32 year divorceewho sleeps in the same bed as mydivorced sister.

LYDIADitto--except Im 33 years old.

LEXYYoure missing the point.

LYDIAWhats the point?

LEXYThe point is, youre single, andnow you can have all of the fun youhad when you were 22 and fresh outof college.

Zoe takes out a cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking.Lexy looks at her.

ZOEWhat? I used to smoke a lot when Iwas 22.

LYDIAI wonder what Chris is doing rightnow.

ZOEI know what Sebastians doing rightnow. Hes doing his girlfriend.

LEXYIs it the same girlfriend you foundabout last year?

ZOEOh no. Not Nicole. Nicole was aslutty college girl. Sebastiangraduated from college girls, andmoved on to Amber--a slutty highschool girl!

12.

LEXYHigh school?! Youre kidding!

ZOEShes not 22 and fresh out ofcollege. Shes 18 and fresh out ofbraces and a training bra. Shedrives a Jetta, she listens to KatyPerry, she posted 27 pictures thismonth on Instagram, 12 of thosepictures are half naked selfies.Oh--and according to some guy namedJudge Thompson, Im not allowedwithin a hundred yards of her highschool! Yeah. I had a littlealtercation with her at SouthTorrance High. Im no longerwelcome there.

LYDIAYou had an altercation? Did youpunch her?

ZOENo I didnt punch her! I like tothink Im a little more mature thanthat.

LYDIAWell. What mature thing did you do?

ZOEI maturely grabbed her water bottleand splashed her in the face.

LYDIAI see. Well. You want to know whosreally immature? Sebastian. The 36year old guy whos running aroundwith high school girls. Hisgirlfriend is literally half hisage.

LEXY(to Zoe)

Yes. Exactly. I mean, thats justwho he is. It has nothing to dowith you. Youre a wonderful girl.

(turns to Lydia)So are you.

13.

ZOE(to Lydia)

So why are you and Chris getting adivorce?

LYDIAWell. Heres Chris. You know Chris,right? This sums up most of Chris.Beer. Sports. Couch. He sits on thecouch, watches sports, and drinksbeer. And then he expects us tohave sex. And when we dont, hesall like, "Why arent we havingsex? After all, I spent sevenhours sitting on the sofa watchingsports and drinking beer." Ourrelationship has gotten more andmore meaningless every year. Andthen a few weeks ago, I realizedit: I have a closer relationshipwith my waxing lady than I do withmy husband. I might as well livewith her.

LEXYAre you saying youre a lesbian?

ZOEAnd you prefer skinny Asian women?

LYDIANo. Im saying my relationship withChris has gone from dull tononexistent. Meanwhile, hisrelationship with his golf clubshas become really intimate.

ZOEUm. Are you saying he puts golfclubs up his ass?

LYDIANo. He just plays a lot of golf onweekends.

ZOESo youre getting divorced becauseyoure closer to your waxing ladyand hes closer to his golf clubsthan you are to each other.

14.

LYDIAYeah. I mean, Im not gonna staymarried to some guy who shoves golfclubs up his ass.

ZOEI thought you said he didnt dothat.

LYDIAI meant metaphorically. He doesthat with his golf clubs in ametaphorical sense. Oh. And hewatches golf porn, too.

ZOEMetaphorically?

LYDIANo. Literally.

LEXYWhat exactly is golf porn,literally?

LYDIAWell. I went through Chrissinternet history. And he watchedone video where a Tiger Woodslookalike is on a golf cart, and hegets pulled over by a sexy cop onanother golf cart. Oh--and theresanother video where an Israeli anda Palestinian have sex in a sandtrap. And then theres another onethats way too vulgar for me todescribe. And then theres anotherone thats even more vulgar thanthat last one. Yeah. Thats thetype of stuff Chris watches.

ZOESo you just broke up with him?

LYDIAIt was a long time coming. Wevehad no real relationship for over ayear. So now, Im single. Youresingle. Were single.

LEXYListen. Let me tell you twosomething. A womans life doesnt

(MORE)

15.

LEXY (contd)have to revolve around herrelationships with men. OK? Dontlet that define you. A lot of womendo. Its degrading.

LYDIAOh. So youre a feminist now?

ZOEAnd you prefer skinny Asian women?

LEXYThe point is, you can just be aperson. You dont have to bedefined by a man. Or a skinny Asianwoman.

LYDIAAnd what about the whole ovulationthing? What about my eggs?

LEXYYour eggs are fine.

LYDIAIm 33.

LEXYYou know my cousin Chloe? She gotpregnant at 48. I just saw her atthe supermarket. She was buyingMaalox for herself and diapers forher son. ... Listen. Im gonna goback to my house and pick up someblankets and stuff. You two takeyour suitcases out of your cars,and just unpack, and hang out here.OK?

INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Lydia and Zoe re blowing on their nails, after havingpainted them.

ZOEIm gonna look really good for thatrepo guy when he takes my Mercedes.

LYDIAWell, even if it doesnt work outbetween the two of you, its all

(MORE)

16.

LYDIA (contd)good. Its just like that lesbianfeminist said earlier today: youdont have to be defined by a man.

ZOEOr a job. Because I dont have oneof those.

LYDIAWell. You can get one.

ZOEOK. Which one?

LYDIAWell. Um. You like shoes--right?

ZOEYeah. Maybe I can work forChristian Louboutin.

LYDIAI was thinking Payless Shoe Stores.

ZOEWell stop thinking that.

The doorbell rings. Both of them walk to the door, and Lydiaopens it to reveal PHIL (28).

PHILDont just stand there. Both ofyou--give your little brother a bighug! Lets go.

They all hug.

PHILYou know, I figured Id be thefirst one of us to get divorced. Iguess Im gonna be the last one.

(looks around)This is a sweet crib. I have a goodidea. How about three days a week,I use this place as a bachelor pad,and you two hang out with my wifeand kids?

ZOEUh. Where are your wife and kids?

17.

PHILAt home. Kyra thinks Im hangingout with the guys. Because I liedto her. I lie to her a lot.Sometimes I do it just for fun. Butthis time, I did it cause, youknow. I didnt feel like tellingher about your divorces, andhearing her commentary on them.

ZOEWell--whats your commentary onthem?

PHILMy commentary is, you two are thebest sisters I could ask for, andyoure great girls, and yourhusbands were lucky to be marriedto you, and youre gonna meet muchbetter guys any day now, andSebastian is an asshole.

LYDIAWell what about Chris? Isnt he anasshole?

PHILHonestly, I kind of like Chris.

Lydia looks pissed at Phil.

PHILBut when it comes to your divorce,youre 100% right about everything,and hes 100% wrong. By the way--Ihave plans to play golf with himnext Sunday. Should I cancel?

Lydia still looks pissed.

PHILIll cancel them. I dont likeChris. And I dont like golf. NextSunday, Im gonna use my 9 iron tobeat Chris over the head.

ZOEHe might prefer to have you shoveit up his ass.

18.

PHIL... Anyways, I brought some boardgames.

ZOEMonopoly? That looks old. Wheredyou get that?

PHILI have a pile of our old stuff atmy house.

LYDIAWe are not gonna play Monopoly.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Moments later, theyre seated at the table, with an openMonopoly box in front of them. Phil gives Zoe and Lydia sidehugs simultaneously.

PHILMe and my sisters. Hanging out.Playing Monopoly. This is awesome.... Sorry about your divorces,though. Let me set everything up.

He shuffles through some of the boxs contents. Zoe spotssomething.

ZOEWhat is that? Is it... marijuana?

PHILOh yeah. I used to hide mymarijuana in this game.

He rolls a joint, takes out a lighter, and lights the joint.LYDIA

What are you doing? You cant smokethat.

PHILDont worry. I have a prescription.

LYDIAYour prescription isnt for the tenyear old marijuana youre smoking.

19.

PHILCalm down. Its not like the copscheck to see if your marijuanamatches your prescription. Theydont do any carbon datingtests. ...

(offers her the marijuanacigarette)

You want some?

LYDIANo!

PHILLydia--youre supposed to just sayno. You dont have to yell it. Justsay it like this. "No."

LYDIAFine.

(imitates him)No.

Phil offers the marijuana cigarette to Zoe.PHIL

(to Zoe)And you?

ZOENo thanks. I shouldnt take anydrugs. Im probably gonna belooking for a job tomorrow. They dodrug tests--right?

The doorbell rings.

(Moments later)

Zoe opens the front door, while Lydia and Phil stand behindher. The door opens to reveal Lexys mother ALEXANDRA (80,looks young for her age, Greek with thick accent).

ZOEGrandma!

PHILHi grandma. Welcome to Casa deDivorce.

JANE(to Lydia)

Hi honey.

20.

ZOEGrandma. What are you doing here?

Alexandra hugs her.

ALEXANDRAI heard about you and Sebastian.

She looks at Lydia.

ALEXANDRAAnd I heard about you and Chris.

She hugs Lydia.

She looks at Phil.

ALEXANDRAWhats that youre smoking?

PHILIts, uh, tobacco.

ALEXANDRAIt doesnt smell like tobacco.

PHILIts a rare type of tobacco calledmarijuana.

ALEXANDRAPhilip--Im very disappointed inyou.

PHIL... You want to take a hit?

JANEA hit? ... OK. Just one.

She takes the joint from Phil.LYDIA

Grandma!

ALEXANDRADont worry. I have glaucoma. Ihave a prescription.

LYDIAWho doesnt have a prescription?

21.

ZOE(to Alexandra)

Wheres grandpa?

ALEXANDRAHes asleep. He went to bed at 8.

ZOEWell--thats good. He usually goesto bed at 7:30.

ALEXANDRAYeah. Hes becoming a real wildman. One month from now, hell beusing cocaine and prostitutes. ...I have a good idea. Lets take aselfie.

She takes out her iPhone.

ALEXANDRAI just learned how to do this.Marilina taught me.

ZOEMarilina? Shes, like, ten yearsolder than you.

ALEXANDRABut she knows about computers.Shes very smart. She even triedteaching me Instant-ham--but Ididnt know what the hell she wastalking about.

PHILInstant-ham?

ZOE(to Alexandra)

Um. You mean Instagram?

ALEXANDRAUm. Maybe. Whats the difference?

ZOEThe main difference is thatInstagram has nothing to do withpork.

Alexandra points the camera at herself.

22.

LYDIAGrandma--youre gonna take apicture of yourself while youreholding that cigarette?

Lexy opens the door using her key, and sees Alexandraholding up the phone in one hand and the joint in the other.Lexy is holding three tupperware containers.

LEXYUm. What did I miss?

ALEXANDRAWere taking a selfie and smoking adoobie.

PHILThats the first time anyones everused the words "selfie" and"doobie" in the same sentence.

LEXYI better close the door, beforesomebody sees the doobie.

She closes the door.

PHIL(to Alexandra)

Grandma--how do you know the worddoobie?

ALEXANDRAI know doobie. I know lots ofslang. Like, um, "gag me with aspoon."

PHILWhere did you learn slangfrom--Saved by the Bell?

LEXY(to Zoe and Lydia)

I brought you some Moussaka.(to Zoe)

By the way--my friend Calista wantsto set you up with someone. Do youknow Stavros Constantinides?

ZOEMom. Im not even divorced yet. Imnot ready to go on a date withStavros Constantinides. And by the

(MORE)

23.

ZOE (contd)way, Im never gonna go on a datewith Stavros Constantinides.

LEXYWhere do you know him from?

ZOEI dont know him. But the guysname is StavrosConstantinides. Find me someonewhos at least 80% less Greek. Findme someone whose name is JoeSmith.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Two hours later, its just Zoe, Lydia, and Lexy, sitting onsofas, in front of a half full tupperware containerof Moussaka, and a finished Monopoly game.

LYDIAI feel fat.

ZOEYoure not fat.

LYDIAWell, sitting next to you and yoursize 0 jeans, I feel fat.

Lydia grabs the third-to-last piece of Moussaka out of thecontainer, and takes a bite.

LYDIAAnd now I feel a little bit fatter.

ZOEWell--if it makes you feel anybetter, Ive gained three poundsover the last five years.

LYDIAThree pounds in five years? Thatmakes me feel worse. You went fromborderline anorexic to perfect.Youre the skinny girl, and Imyour fat sister.

ZOEMom--tell her shes not fat.

24.

LEXYWell. Sitting next to the two ofyou, I feel fat.

LYDIAMom--youre not fat.

ZOEYeah mom--youre not fat.

LEXYWell, in that case...

She grabs the second-to-last slice of Moussaka and takes abite.

LYDIA(to Zoe)

You want the last piece?

ZOEHell no. I dont want to be fatlike the two of you. ... Imkidding.

She grabs the last piece and takes a bite.

ZOENo ones fat.

Lexy gets up.

LEXYOK. Im gonna take my fat ass home.Are you two gonna be OK alone?

ZOEYeah.

LYDIAYeah.

LEXYWhat are you gonna have forbreakfast tomorrow?

ZOECigarettes.

LEXYDont smoke, honey. Come over to myhouse, Ill make you an omelet, andmaybe help you find a job.

25.

ZOEA job? Uggh.

She takes out a cigarette, lights it, and takes a puff.

LYDIAMaybe I can get you a job at thenail salon.

Zoe just stares at Lydia, and takes another puff of thecigarette.

LEXYOK. Im gonna go. Have fun, girls.

ZOEMom. Thanks. For everything. Theapartment, the spanakopita--andjust, you.

LYDIAYeah. Especially you. Thanks.

LEXYYoure welcome.

She walks out.

ZOEDid I mention that Sebastiansgirlfriend is 18 years old? Barely18. 18 and 25 days. I wonder ifhes with her right now.

LYDIAIll bet you Chris is watching ESPNright now. He probably doesnt evenknow Im gone. You know, the goodthing about living with you is thatnow I wont have to deal with Christrying to have sex with me afterSportscenter.

ZOEThats the good thing about livingwith me?

LYDIAOh. And you smell much better thanChris. Even with your cigarettes.

26.

ZOE(sarcastically)

Thank you so much for thecompliments.

LYDIACome on. No. Im--Im honestlyhappy that youre here with me.

ZOEReally?

LYDIAReally.

ZOEWell, Im happy youre here withme. ... I gotta stop smoking. Andwe gotta go shopping. We need somefood, and plates, and an ash tray.

LYDIAWell. Shall we go to bed, Lucy?

GINANow youre Ricky? I thought Iwas Ricky.

LYDIAWell, Im the one who has to go towork tomorrow. So Im Ricky.

ZOERight. Maybe tomorrow, Ill get ajob at a candy factory, or awinery.

LYDIABy the way--after we get the ashtray, we need to buy another bed.

ZOEYeah. Because Lucy and Ricky sleptin separate beds.

Lydia gets up.

LYDIAIm gonna go to sleep. Are youcoming?

27.

ZOEYeah. I guess I cant hang out hereand watch I Love Lucy. By theway--sorry about your divorce.

LYDIASorry about your divorce.

ZOEIts all good. Now we can have allof the fun we had when we were 22and fresh out of college.

Lydia stares at Zoe for a couple of seconds, and then walksaway.