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14MANDATORYCOUNSELLING

Jst how eective isconselling when it iscomplsory?

25THE VIRAL BUG Non-prots go onto socialmedia to mobilise volnteersand donors

30WITH A PERSONAL TOUCHETAC President speaks p onthe need to spend time withthe less ortnate

DISPOSABLE DADS

?

不同凡响

March 2012

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4 Disposable DaDs? Srveys show athers play a limited role in theirchildren’s lives. Can children make do withot their dads?

10 Helping atHers atHer Some athers do not know how to ather. And

they are also diclt to reach ot to, consellors say.

14 How eective is manDatory counselling? Some people arereqired by law to seek help. Can people be orced to get better?

18 parenting ater Divorce While sposes can divorce each other, theydo not divorce their children. And the law makes sre o that.

22 i was granDparenteD A grand-daghter's heartelt tribte to hergrandparents who raised her or 16 years.

25 tHe viral bug catcHing on witH non-proits Non-prots goonto social media to mobilise volnteers and donors.

30 a leaDer witH a personal toucH ETAC President speaks p onthe need to spend time with the needy.

35 plan to give Giving needs planning. Find ot more abot planned gits.

36 rom banking to Helping tHe Destitute Valerie let banking tohelp pioneer Christalite Methodist Home 15 years ago, and is still going strongserving the destitte today.

4 10 22

18 25 30

14

Your eedback is

important to us.

Please email your

comments to

Michelle Tan at [email protected].

Methodist Welare Services is the socialconcerns arm o The Methodist Chrch inSingapore and a registered charity.

• Each of the ve family services offers advice and support to families in distress or need

• Core programmes include casework and counselling, information and referral, preventive and

developmental programmes

MWS Cares or the Family

FAMILY • FailWs Cnit Seices • Cenant FSC • Daea FSC • Tapines FSC • Wal with the P Pae

不同凡响

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妈妈关怀备至，爸爸漠不关心

曾经听过一个发人深省的故事。一个小男孩正在

看着爸爸替汽车打蜡。他问爸爸：“您的汽车是

不是很值钱？” 爸爸回答：“是的。这辆汽车很

贵，因此我要好好照顾它。当我要换新车的时

候，它可以卖得更好的价钱。”

两人无言以对一阵子后，儿子说：“爸爸，我不太

值钱，对吧？”

在养育子女方面，我们怎样投资？而谁的投资比

较多呢？

身为社会工作者，我们在辅导室里经常会帮助解

决的其中一个家庭问题是：妈妈过度关怀备至，

爸爸却显得漠不关心。有证据显示，妇女认为丈

夫所给予的支持和积极的参与，对缓解她们多重

角色所带来的压力是不可缺的重要因素。对家庭

研究员来说，过度关怀备至的女人和一个漠不关

心的男人对婚姻通常带来不幸并不是新鲜事。

近几年来，我们开始看到爸爸与孩子的互动增

加的变化。值得嘉许的“爱心爸爸”行动，促使

越来越多人认识到爸妈应共同负起养育子女的

责任。

除了肯定爸爸妈妈在养育子女所扮演的角色外，

懂得怎样养育孩子也很重要。作者贺珍妮(Janis

Long Harr is) 访问了50个基督徒领袖，看看他们

认为父母对他们目前获得的成就有何贡献。贺珍

妮发现了13个成功的秘诀。

好父母…

< 鼓励孩子并帮助他们建立自信

< 表达他们对孩子的爱< 建立乐观的家庭气氛(包括产生欢笑)< 培育属灵素质< 在管教方面达到平衡，前后一致

< 让孩子为他们感到骄傲< 建立一个包含邻里及教会的大家庭< 让孩子感到安全，情感受到保护

< 树立好的婚姻榜样< 拨出时间与孩子相处< 教导孩子理财的技能和价值观< 让孩子负担责任< 热衷于教导孩子正直的价值观

这些是充满智慧的宝训。明智之举是马上对照一

下，看看身为父母的我们是否都做对了。

黄珍妮

主编兼

卫理福利服务执行主任

Editor’s Note

THE OVERFUNCTIONING MUM AND

UNDERFUNCTIONING DAD

A story was told o a small boy who watched his atherplish the ca. He ased, “Dad, ca is wth a lt, isn’t

it?” “Yes,” his dad replied. “It costs a lot. It pays to take careo it. When I trade the car in to get a newer car, it will beworth more i I take care o it.”

Afte se silence, the sn said, “Dad, I ess I a nt

worth very mch, am I?”

How are we investing in the parenting o or children? Who is doing most o

the investing?

As social workers, one o the common cases we enconter in or consellingrooms is the case o the overnctioning mother and nder-nctioning ather. There is evidence to spport that active participation rom hsbands is thesingle most important actor in managing the stress o women's mltipleroles. Family researchers have long known that marriages characterised by anovernctioning woman and ndernctioning man tend to be miserable.

In recent years, we have seen the tide trn as more athers are involved withthei childen. We applad the Dads f Life eent and the inceased

awareness that parenting is or both mms and dads.

Besides arming the roles o mms and dads in parenting, it is also importantthat we nw hw t paent. Janis Ln Hais, an ath, inteiewed ft

Christian leaders on what they saw as their parents’ contribtions to theircrrent sccess as adlts. Harris ond 13 secrets or sccess.

Good parents…

P Encourage their chi ldren and bui ld their sel f-e steem PCommunicate their love PCreate a posi t ive home atmosphere (that includes laughter) PNurture spir i tual values PShow consistent, balanced disc ipl ine PMake their chi ldren proud of them P

Create c ommunity-exte nded family, neighbourhood and church PGive chi ldren the fee l ing that they are safe and emotional ly-secure PModel a good marr iage P Take t ime to spend wit h their chi ldren P Teach f inancial values and ski l l s PGive chi ldren responsibi l i ty PAre passionate about teaching values and integr i ty

These are gems o trth lled with mch wisdom. It may be wise to do a qick check i we, as parents, are on the right track.

Jenny BongEditor-in-Chie

MWS Group Executive Director

Uncommon Voices 不同凡响 | 3

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A great nmber o athers still hold onto the mindset that their primary, andsometimes only, responsibility to theamily is to bring home the bacon.

Dads or Lie movement initiated a Back to School with Dad event, where dads wereencouraged to take their children or the rst day o school this year

Heart o the Matter

Fathers still do not get it.

More than two years on since the

start o the athering movement,Dads f Life, the essae eains

the same: athers, please, pay moreattention to yor kids.

A great nmber o athers stillhold on to the mindset that theirprimary, and sometimes only,responsibility to the amily is tobring home the bacon.

And this is casing a lot o troble“downstream”, social service

practitioners say.

t d

Yoth crime shot to prominence inthe last cople o years, hitting theheadlines with a slew o stabbingand hacking cases.

Nineteen-ea-ld Daen N was

hacked to death by parang-wielding yoth the night beoreHalloween in 2010. At least threeother slashing cases occrred in

the weeks that ollowed, all o which involved yoths.

One year on, a 17-year-old RafesInstittion stdent was stabbedin the back by teenagers wielding

knives, dispelling notions thatthese yoth violent incidentswere anomalies.

Following the high-prole attacksin 2010, a working grop was setp to enhance Singapore’s anti-gang legislation.

Minister o State or Home AairsMasagos Zlkifi warned that yothwho become entrenched in gangswill be dealt with severely as amenace to society.

x h

Bt doing remedial work withottackling the isse at its root will notsolve the problem, social servicepractitioners say.

“We doing remedial work downstream have been strggling.

How do yo keep xing and xingthese (boys) withot going tothe root cases,” said Mr Karam

Singh, head o programmes at theSingapore Boys’ Home.

The root case o delinqency andyoth crime is the distant athergre at home, the ormer principalpsychologist with the SingaporePrison Service said.

The link between yoth crime andninvolved athers is very strong,he said.

Every boy has several actors –or or ve, he says – that led himto be delinqent. And one amongall these actors stands ot as thecommon one: the boys do not havea close relationship with their athers.

CErTAINLy NoT, SAy SoCIAL SErvICEPRACTITIONERS. BuT FATHERS SEEM TObELIEvE So, mAkINg THEm IrrELEvANT IN THEIr

CHILDrEN’S WorLD.

DDd?ch b H

Web Editor (Communications & Fundraising)

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Among their maincomplaints are the acts

that the athers are totallycleless abot their livesand show no interest in

wanting to nd ot more.

More than 70 parents turned up or Greendale Primary School’sPrimary One First Day Celebrations, where parents had opportunities to bond with their children.

“I have 160 (pieces o) anecdotal evidence(to show the link) here,” Mr Singh said. “Theprisons have thosands.”

And when the ather is not present,cnsellin pschlist Adian Li said,

he leaves a gap that someone or somethingwill ll.

“It can be the Internet or street corneran,” said m Li, wh is als the

pae anae with the Dads

f Life secetaiat.

i h

This bacon-only mindsetthreatens to renderathers irrelevant in theirchildren’s world.

There was a 15-year-oldboy who stood p in the

middle o a consellingsession with

m Li and

yelledat hisather

that hehad noright to tell

him whatto do.

Becase he was “doing his thing, his sports,he was nt in his life”, m Li said.

And this case is by no means a one o its kind.

By many acconts, the emotional andaectionate aspects o the ather’s role islargely let nllled, making them little morethan jst the man providing the dogh.

And in amilies where the mother bringshome an eqal or atter paycheck, theather’s role is rther diminished.

c- h

In 2005, nthl aazine reades’ Diest

srveyed teens in Singapore to grade theirparents on parenting, rom how good theyare at listening to how mch they care.

The teens barely passed the athers, givingthem a C-, while mothers scored an A-.

Their main complaints inclde athers whoare totally cleless abot their lives and showno interest in wanting to nd ot more.

ld d h

A srvey done by the Ministry o CommnityDeelpent, yth and Spts (mCyS) in

2009 gave some insight into the aloo ather.

The rst srvey o its kind srveyed 2,220Singapore Citizens and PermanentResidents above the age o 18 on theirperception, attitdes and behaviors relatedto atherhood.


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There is a “limited denition” o whata ather is, according to the reportby MCYS, giving social servicepractitioners case or concern.

m Li said it is “win” that

only 18 percent o the respondentsagree that a ather is responsible inassisting in a child’s learning andedcation as well as serving as arole model or the child.

Mr Singh said: “One in ve is notgood at all. This is jst perception.Whether yo do it or not isanother thing.”

“I may be in the 18 percent gropthat sees it as important, bt I maynot do it even or 10 percent o thetime,” he said.

mh h

h ?

With the ather being a peripheralgre at home, or not arond atall, mothers oten doble p asthe ather.

And this is what is happening withthe boys at the Boys’ Home, saidMr Singh.

The mothers will “slog their hearts

ot” to provide material andemotional spport or the boys,while the athers are eitherincarcerated or absent.

th

Despite all these, the cnsenss

among social service practitioners

is that the male voice is a mstto gide children throgh theirgrowing years.

The male presence is the oppositenmber to the nrtring mother. I either one is absent, it throws thechild’s development o corse.

It is “absoltely rbbish” and“oolish” to think that mothers canplay the athers’ role, said Mr Singh.

“The mother’s emininity contribtesrichly to her mothering. As doesthe masclinity o the ather as heathers the child,” said Mr Singh.

“When athers are not arond,mothers can compensate or it. Btit’s impossible or mothers to (lly)be both ather and mother. That’slike asking someone to be both maleand emale,” he said.

wh h

There are two main reasons whyathers become irrelevant in theirchildren’s world, social servicepractitioners say.

Deinition o a atHer’s roles anD responsibilities

-Be a breadwinner 46%

-Provide emotional care/support and give love/affection

to children and family 36%

- Assist in child’s learning and education 18%

-Provide moral/spiritual guidance 17%

-Look after child’s day-to-day needs 11%

-Provide discipline to child 10%

-Be responsible towards and take care of family 9%

-Support, love and be loyal to mother of child 6%

-Be involved in general upbringing of child 3%

-Be leader/‘man’/decision maker of household 2%

-Be familliar with child’s friends and social life 1%

-Others 4%

(% who cite this response) Source: Fatherhood Public Perception Sur vey 2009, Ministry of

Community Development, Youth and Sports

6 | Uncommon Voices 不同凡响

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Rau Mansoor (background) took a day o to be a parent volunteer at GreendalePrimary School’s Primary One First Day Celebrations. He needs to connect right with

his son (not in picture) and be on the same page, he sa id.


The rst is that a sizeable portiono athers are naware they areexpected to spend meaningl timewith their children and be visibledring signicant moments o theirchildren’s lives.

Children have these expectations,bt do not verbalise them. And thisis where the problem starts, saidm Jachi Lee, Diect f

Tampines Family Service Centre, acommnity otreach o MWS.

“Men are stck in the mindset thatby working hard and bringing homethe money, they’ve done the job andare good athers,” he said.

“Becase o that, they don’t knowthey have an isse. They are jstcleless that they need help.”

The second reason is that athersthemselves need someone to modelater or this dimension o athering.

“Men are like that: monkey see,ne d,” m Li said.

A ather usses over hisdaughter’s ponytail

Bt becase their athers were thebacon-only athers, they do not havea role model to show them how todo it.

“The crrent athers did not have itrom their own athers,” saidm Li. “S ne dn’t see,

monkey don’t know how to do.”

a h

It will reqire some eort, bt it is notas danting as it may seem.

Fathers can take advantage o the opportnities available to beinvolved in their children’s lives.

Dads f Life encaed fathes t

send their children to school on therst day o school.

FamilyWorks Commnity Servicesorganised a ‘Celebrate rst days inschool’ event in Greendale PrimarySchool in Janary to provide anopportnity or the Primary Oneppils and their parents to bond.

Sometimes, the simple things arethe most important.

m Lee has een helpin a an

relate more with his son. He told theman to simply hg his child everytime he comes home rom work.

“It’s a siple este,” m Lee

said. “Bt once yo do that, it willsnowball. It will lead to somethingelse, and yo’ll know what todo next.”

Fathers will make their children apriority i they see it as important,even i the working hors are notcondcive, said Mr Singh.

“Yes it is hard, more time and moreeort is needed. Bt it is worth it,”he said.

“Men are stck in themindset that by workinghard and bringing homethe money, they’ve done

the job and are goodfathes,” said m Lee.

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在很多个案中，我们发觉爸爸未能给予孩子充分的关怀与爱护，他们最多只是做好养家的角色。

而如果妈妈所赚的钱与爸爸相同或更多，那么，爸爸所扮演的角色更加卑微。

爸爸的评分只有C-在2005年，读者文摘月刊于新加坡针对青少年进行了一项调查，要求他们在父母抚育他们方面给分，包括父母有没有聆听孩子的心声，或是否有关怀他们。

青少年只给予爸爸C-，刚好合格，但妈妈的得分有A-。

青少年不满的地方主要是爸爸对他们的的生活一无所知，而且也没有兴趣想知道更多。

为人父的定义很狭窄社区发展，青年及体育部(社会发展、

青年及体育部)在2009年所做的一项调查，让我们对父亲的漠不关心有更多的认识。

这是该部门第一次做这类的调查，总共访问了2,220名18岁以上的新加坡公民及永久居民，要求他们对父职表达意见、态度及看法。

从社会发展、青年及体育部的报告中，父亲的定义“十分狭窄”，社会服务人员对调查结果有点担忧。

受访者中只有18%认为父亲有责任教导

孩子及做孩子的榜样，林先生说这个百分比令人“担心”。

星先生说： “五个中有一个会这样想已不够好，而且这只是想法，会不会这样做又是另一回事。”

的人员一直在竭尽所能来帮助这些孩子，但如果只是治标不治本，我们一而再地去帮助这群男童洗心革面也只会徒劳无功。”

星先生之前是在新加坡监狱当首席心理学家。

他说，青少年犯罪的根本原因是与父亲的关系疏离。

他说青少年犯罪通常都有4或5个原因，但差不多每个孩子都表示，与父亲的关系疏离是其中一个。

星先生说：“我这里有160个可供参考的实例来证明这个说法，而监狱里则有更多。”

咨询心理学家林先生(Adrian Lim)表示，当孩子觉得与爸爸不亲密的时候，他需要找一些人或一些事情来填补这个

空缺。

林先生也是爱心行动秘书处的计划经理，他说：“这个空缺可能是由互联网或街头党来填补。”

不相干的父亲只是赚钱养家的心态令爸爸在孩子的生活中并不相干。

一个15岁男孩在接受林先生的辅导时忽然站起来，并大声对着他的爸爸喊，说他的爸爸没有权利告诉他应该怎样做。

林先生说，因为这个爸爸 “只是顾着做自己的事情、关心自己喜爱的运动，他没有参与男孩的生活里。”

而这个实例并不是独特的案子。

做爸爸的仍然不明白个中道理。

“爱心爸爸” 行动已推行两年多，但我们还是在传递同一个讯息：亲爱的爸爸们，请您们多关注您们的孩子。

很多做父亲的依然有这样的想法：他们对家庭最重要或者是唯一的责任就是赚

钱养家。

但社会服务人员认然很多青少年的问题顺流而生。

顺流问题青少年犯罪问题在过去几年越来越严重，报章头条经常出现一连串的伤人及砍人事件。

在2010年万圣节前的晚上，19岁的吴达伦(译名)被一群持刀青年砍杀。仅仅一个星期后，共发生了三起持刀袭击的伤人事件。

一年后，17岁莱佛士书院学生阿南德(译名)被两名15及17岁持刀青少年从后袭击，让人醒觉青少年暴力行为不是一些突发事件那样简单。

在2010年发生了令人震惊的伤人事件后，政府成立了工作小组，加强立法来对付新加坡的帮派恶行。

内政部政务部长马善高(MasagosZulkifi)警告，任何青少年加入帮派将对社会构成威胁，会受到严惩。

治本才是良方社会服务人员表示，治标不治本不能够把问题解决。

新加坡男童感化院的计划主管卡兰星先生(译名)说：“我们在前线做辅导工作

庄秉翰网页编辑 (通讯与筹款）

父亲：可有可无，无关紧要？

从事社会服务的人员绝对不同意这样的说法，但很多父亲却表示认同，他们与孩子之间的关系好像互不相干。


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他解释：“我可能是在18%的组别中，认为教导孩子很重要，但我可能连付出10%的时间也做不到。”

母兼父职?如果父亲对家庭不关心或经常不在家，母亲通常会身兼父职。

星先生说，在男童感化院里的男童刚好就遇上这个情况。

妈妈们会全心全力照顾孩子，并鼓励他们回归正途，而父亲们往往是被关押或不知所踪。

不可替代的男声虽然父亲可能对家庭漠不关心，但社会服务人员一致认为，孩子还是需要一把男性的声音来指引他们的成长。

爸爸的威严刚好为妈妈的温柔带来抗衡，如果其中一方不在，孩子的发展可能会脱轨。

星先生说，如果说爸爸的角色可以由妈

妈来扮演，这完全是“无聊”及“无知”的想法。

星先生说： “妈妈的温柔让孩子时得到无微的母爱，同时爸爸的阳刚之气是父爱的特点。”

他说：“当爸爸不在的时候，妈妈可以暂代父职，但妈妈不可能完全给予孩子母爱和父爱，这就好像要求一个人亦男亦女。”

为何父亲会漠不关心？社会服务人员说，父亲对孩子显得漠不

关心主要有两个原因。

首先，很大部分的父亲们不知道孩子们期待能与爸爸共度有意义的时光，并且在孩子们认为重要的时刻中出现。

界定父亲扮演的角色及责任

0 赚钱养家 46%

0 给予孩子及家庭爱和关怀，

情感上的保护 36%

0 给予孩子在学习和教育上的帮助 18%

0 给予道德及灵性上的指导 17%

0 照顾孩子每日所需 11%

0 负责训导孩子 10%

0 负起照顾家庭的责任 9%

0 对孩子的妈妈忠诚、爱护和支持 6%

0 共同教养孩子 3%

0 身为一家之主/‘男人’/决策者 2%

0 熟悉孩子的朋友及社交生活 1%

0 其他 4%

对选项表赞同的%)资料来源：

社区发展，青年及体育部在2009年对怎样为人父

所作的公众调查

五个中有一个会这样

想已不够好，而且这

只是想法，会不会这

样做又是另一回事。

孩子们心中充满期待，只是没有说出口。李先生说，问题就出在这里。”

李先生说：“男人还是认为辛苦工作，赚钱养家就是尽了做爸爸的责任，就是一个好父亲。”

“因为这个观念，他们不觉得他们有问题，他们完全不知道他们需要帮助。”

第二个原因是父亲们需要在教育孩子方面，有一个榜样可以让他们学习。

林先生说：“男人就是这样，有样学样。”

但由于他们的爸爸是属于赚钱养家就尽了父职的那一类型，所以他们没有一个正当的榜样可以让他们学习。

林先生说：“现代的爸爸们没有从他们的父亲那里学习怎样做一个称职的爸爸，没有样，就没有得学了。”

一个简单的拥抱就够了做一个好爸爸当然需要出一点力，但并没有想象中困难。

社会服务人员说，先从简单的事情做

起，像出席孩子在学校的活动。

爱心爸爸行动鼓励父亲们在孩子开学的第一天，送孩子到学校里。

家庭工程社区服务刚在1月份于绿苑小学举办了一个名为“庆祝我第一天上学”的活动。

这个活动是特别为所有小学一年级的学生和家长举行，目的是让父母和孩子有机会互动。

有时候，一个简单温馨的拥抱便会带来意想不到的效果。

李先生正在帮一个父亲与其孩子建立更深厚的感情。李先生要求这名父亲每次放工回家都先要抱抱孩子。

李先生说： “这只是一个很简单的动作，但开始了以后，它的效果会越来越大，然后其他事情会慢慢发生，那时候，你会知道怎样去做。”

星先生说，就算工作时间不能配合，但如果做爸爸的把孩子放在第一位，他还是会找到时间与孩子相处的。

他说： “没错，做爸爸的需要付出多一点的时间和努力，但这是十分值得

的。”


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ch b HWeb Editor (Communications & Fundraising)

THE roLE oF FATHErS IN THEIr CHILDrEN’S LIvES

IS So vITAL, THErE IS No WAy SoCIAL SErvICE

PrACTITIoNErS CAN AFForD To LEAvE THEm ouT

WHEN HELPINg THE CHILDrEN. ESPECIALLy WHEN

THE rooT CAuSE oF DELINquENCy IS A DISTANT rELATIoNSHIP WITH THE FATHEr.


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The best person to teach a man howto ather is, natrally, his own ather,

practitioners say.

Bt men are notoriosly diclt toreach ot to, consellors say. Theydo not take to advice, eel deensivewhen conselled, and believe thatthey can take the backseat when itcomes to caring or their children.

Their perception o what atheringentails, copled with their resistancetowards the cstomary sit-downconselling sessions, makes itdiclt or consellors to send the

message o athering across.

Not all athers are like this thogh,consellors are qick to qaliy. There are some who are a delightto work with, bt these are, sadly,the minority.

h h h?

The best person to teach a manhow to ather is, natrally, his ownather, practitioners say.

Bt the athers o today’s atherswere bacon-only men; they let thecaregiving role to their wives. Sotoday’s athers do the same, notrealising that the expectations o their wives and kids have changed.

To paraphrase the words o conselling psychologist AdrianLi, ne did nt see, s nw

monkey do not know how to do.So, who then can help athers learnto ather?

c h

h

Some say consellors are idealsince they are already helping withsome o the isses the amily aces.

They are qalied proessionals whohave the skills and the know-how tohelp athers better themselves.

Bt the catch is that consellorsthemselves may have isses with

their own athers, making themnsitable or the job.

“I there is a good nmber o absentathers ot there, chances are thatthere is also a good nmber o

practitioners with absent athers,”said head o programmes or theSingapore Boys’ Home, KaramSingh. And this cases contertranserence, where the consellors’own isses interere with the

conselling and helping process.

More than being ineective, it is alsonethical or consellors to do that,said matin Ch, Head f Daea

Family Service Centre, a commnityotreach o MWS. “I yo have schbaggage, how can yo be seeingclients and be objective,” he said.“I I realise that (a consellor hassch an isse), I’ll point ot that heor she needs to see a consellorhim or hersel.”

gd

The gender o the consellor alsoplays a role. Some practitionersinsist that a male consellor is theonly man or the job, while others

say ladies can get the job done aswell. Bt the general consenssis that men are more likely to bereceptive towards other men inthis isse.

This, however, poses a manpowerisse. Less than 20 pecent f

the social service practitioners areen, estiated m Li, als the

pae anae with the Dads

f Life secetaiat.

w

To manoevre past these obstaclesto get to athers, practitioners havea myriad o tactics. I the men do notlike sit-down conselling sessions,inormal chats over coee or ather-

child bonding otings are moreeffectie, sas Jachi Lee, Diect

o Tampines Family Service Centre, acommnity otreach o MWS.

There are opportunities or athers to bond with their children, such as school events.But usually, more mothers than athers turn up.


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帮助父亲做一个

称职的爸爸由于爸爸在孩子的生活中十分重要，尤其是青少年犯罪的根本原因是与父亲的关系疏远。因此社会服务人员在帮助孩子时，不能够把父亲忽略掉。

但辅导员表示，男人是出了名难与沟

通的。

他们不愿意听别人的意见，在接受辅导

时，他们自卫。在照顾孩子方面，他们

认为可以退居次要地位。

他们对父亲角色的观念，加上他们对传

统辅导的抗拒，使传递爸爸角色的讯息

困难重重。

但辅导员澄清，不是所有爸爸都是这样

的。有些爸爸也很乐意配合，但很遗

憾，这只属于少数。

由父亲来教导怎样做一个好爸爸?

辅导员说，教导爸爸如何尽父职的最佳

人选自然应该是他自己的父亲。

但上一辈的爸爸都是只会赚钱养家的类

型，他们把教导孩子的责任都交给了妻

子。因此，今天的爸爸都如出一辙，但


Since men do not like to be advised,sessions where grops o athersshare and learn rom one anotherw ette, sa m Li.

While practitioners have dierentways to reach ot to athers, theyagree on one point: more athers,and those arond them, need to beaware o their role in and impact ontheir children’s lives.

a “It takes the whole commnityto recognise the importance o this trth (that athers need to beinled),” said m Li. “Awaeness

needs to be bilt p.”

The commnity, especially the non-athers, also play a role in helpingathers, said Mr Singh.

At work, mothers are known asworking mothers, while athers

are not called working athers, jst“employees”, he said. And this hasserios ndertones.

“This sends a message,” Mr Singhsaid. “‘Men, it’s ok. Yor work ismore important. Ater a long day’swork, yo come home, yo sholdexpect everything to be in order athome, done by the mother who jsthad a long tiring day too.’ Bt weshold look at this message and saythat it’s not tre.”

“I society doesn’t expect a whole loto men to do their work as athers,then there will never be that pressreto,” he said. “He will jst work, andearn the money and provide things.”


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但普遍的共识是，在这个问题上，男士

们较容易接受另一个男士的指导。

但这将会引起人手缺乏的问题。也是

爱心行动秘书处计划经理的林先生估

计，社会服务人员中，男性的比例低于

20%。

如何与爸爸们沟通

要巧妙地冲破重重困难，与爸爸们沟

通，辅导员也有很多计谋。

卫理福利服务社区外展淡滨尼家庭服务

中心的主任李先生说，如果男士们不喜

欢传统辅导方式，我们可以趁着喝咖啡

或进行爸爸-孩子户外活动时进行辅导，

可能效果会更佳。

林先生说，如果男士们不原意接受指

正，或许一些集体分享活动能让爸爸们

从其他人的身上得益。

虽然辅导员有很多方法来与爸爸们接

触，但他们强调一点：更多的爸爸，及

他们身边的人，必须认识到他们在孩子

的生活中十分重要及带来很大的影响。

他们不明白他们的妻子和孩子对他们的

期待已经改变了。

咨询心理学家林先生(Adrian Lim)的话

在改述后变为，因没有样，所以他们没

样可学。

那么，谁来教导父亲们学习做一个好爸

爸呢？

辅导员可能有自己的难题

有些人认为最好是由辅导员来教，因为

他们也在帮助这些家庭解决问题。

他们是具专业资格的人士，应知道怎样

去帮助父亲们做一个好爸爸。

卫理福利服务社区外展晨光家庭服务中

心主任曹书铭说：“我们会帮助爸爸检

视自己的情绪包袱、教导他一些照顾

孩子的技巧，甚至会与他进行角色扮

演。”

但令人感到为难的是，部分辅导员本身

可能与自己的父亲出现问题，让他们不

适合参与这个工作。

新加坡男童感化院的计划主管卡兰星先

生(译名)说： “如果社会上有很多漠不

关心的爸爸，那么，辅导员的爸爸也有

可能是其中一员。”

而这可能导致反向转移，即辅导员自身

的问题会影响整个辅导工作的进行。

曹先生说，除了对辅导工作起不了作用

外，对辅导员来说也不道德。

他说：“如果您自身肩负着同样的包

袱，您怎能客观地去进行辅导。如果我

知道辅导员有同样的问题，我会要求他

或她先去见一位辅导员。”

性别也有关系

辅导员的性别也有关系。部分人员认为

只有男性辅导员能胜任这项工作，但其

他人员则认为女性辅导员也可胜任。

辅导员说，教导爸爸

如何尽父职的最佳人

选自然应该是他自己

的父亲。

更多的爸爸，及他们身边的人，必须认识到他们在孩子的生活中十分重要及带来很大

的影响。

认知的首要性

林先生说：“整个社会都必须明白到这

个真理的重要性(就是爸爸必须与孩子互

动)。这个认知必须建立起来。”

星先生说，整个社会，包括还未为人

父的男士，也应该尽一份力来帮助爸

爸们。

他说，在工作场所，妈妈们被称为“在

职妈妈”但爸爸们不会被称为“在职爸

爸”，只会被称为雇员。但这里包含着

言外之意。

星先生说：“这里表达了一个讯息。男

士们，不要紧，对您们来说，工作比较

重要。在辛勤工作了一整天之后，您

们回到家里应该期待一切事情都井井有

条，由同样辛勤工作了一整天的妈妈来

处理。但我们应该看清这信息，而觉得

是不对的。”

他说：“如果社会不期待男士们肩负起

做一个好爸爸的责任，那么，他们不会

感有到压力。他们只会工作，赚钱养家

而已。”


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Violence in the Family The aim o the MCP is “to spportvictims and their children to ensretheir saety and protection, and torehabilitate the perpetrator”1.

However, it does appear that whenperpetrators are reqired by law toseek help, most do it ot o ear o the repercssions i they go againstthe corts, rather than an innatedesire to change.

At Daea Fail Seice Cente

(DFSC), a cnit teach f

Methodist Welare Services (MWS),it is not nsal or people to reseto trn p or conselling. Socialworkers will then have to makehome visits to ensre that thevictims are sae.

F Flence Li, Diect f

Covenant Family Service Centre(CFSC), also a commnity otreacho MWS, she wold report to the

Family Cort once a client skipsconselling three times.

“Many are relctant to receive helpas they don’t see that they’d doneanything wrong. And those who docome or conselling, it’s to avoidconseqences like imprisonment,”said ms Li.

s

According to observations by socialworkers, the MCP has largely beensccessl in crbing amily violenceand ensring the victims’ saety.ms Li feels that the pae

serves as an “eective deterrent” orabsers, as it clearly sends the signalthat “violence is a denite no-no”.

At CFSC, social workers will check with victims ater six monthsand review their cases, themeasrement o sccess beingthe absence o violence.

The government has introdced mandatory conselling or

amily violence since 1997. Recently, to-be-married minorcoples between 18 to 21 years old are also reqired tondergo mandatory conselling.

Uncommon Voices takes a closer look at these twoprogrammes the government has implemented and nds ot i mandatory conselling is really eective.

mh tSenior Executive (Communications)

When it comes to amily abse andviolence thogh, the stakes are otenhigh. In Singapore, or reportedcases, most o the perpetrators (andvictims) wold be instrcted by theFamily Cort to go or the MandatoryConselling Programme (MCP).


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In an evalation o the MCP by the

minist f Cnit Deelpent, Yoth & Sports, six ot o 10perpetrators admitted that they hadchanged or the better. And therecidivism rate o 3.1%, tracked over athree-year period, was positive, since itmeant that ew perpetrators breachedtheir Personal Protection Orders2.

Hd h d

While eective, the programmehas its limitations. “The dration o the programme is too short andyo generally can’t orce people toget better,” said Benny Bong, aamily therapist.

He believed that it is necessaryto address people’s perception o theprogramme. “Even i one has been sentby the cort, it doesn’t mean that onewill have a bad conselling experience.”

matin Ch, Head f DFSC, is als

skeptical o mindset change. He added:“Only when they see the need and valeo the programme, like preserving themarriage, then change is more likely totake place.”

However, rebilding relationships atertramatic episodes reqires a lot morework. “While it’s easier to eradicateviolence, it’s mch harder or s tomend relationships. Victims have toovercome their hrt and anger, andsome might even exact revenge on theirabsers,” Benny explained.

It is indeed a long road to recovery,or both the absers and the absed.Bt with the MCP in place, they have achance to start lie anew. uv

1 & 2 Protecting amilies rom violence: TheSingapore experience, October 2009, MCYS

“Chains do not hold a marriage together.It is threads, hndreds o tiny threads which

sew people together throgh the years.”— Simone Signoret

J lExecutive (Communications)Marrying

Before the Age of 21

Since September 2011, yongcoples aged between 18 and 21years old (minor coples) who planto get married, are reqired by theminist f Cnit Deelpent,

Yoth and Sports (MCYS) to ndergomarriage preparation programmes.

While marriage rates or those nder25 have been steadily declining overthe past 20 years, divorce ratesrom the same age grop have beenrising. From 1990 to 2010, the divorcerate or men rose rom 13.4 to 27.2per 1,000 married males, and orwomen, rom 13.9 to 24.9 per 1,000married emales1.

While it is diclt to enorce marriagepreparation on all coples regardlesso age, making it complsory orminor coples is one step towardsstemming the tide. The specially-tailored crriclm covers topics likeparenthood and in-law relationship.Corses are sbsidised and MCYSnds p to $350 per cople.

“There’s a great concern over orrising divorce rates and while theycan’t make it mandatory or everyone,this is a good way to start,” saidRena Sivadas, Senior Consellorat Tampines Family Service Centre(TFSC), a commnity otreach o Methodist Welare Services.

For minor coples, their yong mindstend to see marriage preparation as jst a cmbersome roadblock theyneed to overcome beore gettinghitched. The key thereore is to bild aconnection with them.

“I think that i given a choice, they’dskip it. So or consellors, it’s abotcreating a relationship with them sothey can trst s, so that we’d be theones they trn to shold they rn intorelationship problems,” says Rena.

As mandatory conselling or minorcoples is relatively new, the otcomesare yet to be ascertained. However,as with other premarital consellingprogrammes, keeping in toch withthe coples is essential. TFSC andDaea FSC ae ipleentin

ollow-p sessions to monitor acople’s marriage. At TFSC, this will becondcted one year ater the marriagepreparation programme ends.

“Oten, married coples come to sor conselling as a last resort.” Allconsellors can do then is ght there, rather than mend the bridge.

Rena added: “A married cople goesthrogh dierent stages together, romyong newly-weds to an older coplewith adlt children. There needs to beconstant checks on the marriage ateach phase.”

1 Statistics n ma iaes and Dices 2010, Jne 2011, Depatent f Statistics Sinape


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强制性辅导有效吗?政府自1997年起推行涉及家庭暴力

的强制性辅导。最近，年龄介于18

至21岁准备结婚的年轻人也需要接

受强制性辅导。

《不同凡响》探讨了政府推出的这两项计划，看看强制性辅

导是否真的有效。

家庭暴力谈到家庭虐待及暴力，成功解决的机会

不大。在新加坡，大部分举报个案中，家

事法庭都会命令施暴者(及受害者)参加

强制性辅导计划。强制性辅导计划的宗

旨是“为受害者及其孩子提供支持，确保

他们安全和获得保护，同时帮助施暴者

改过1。”

可是，大部分施暴者是因为害怕违反法

庭的命令而要承受的后果才寻求帮助，

而不是出自内心希望真正改过。

晨光家庭服务中心是卫理服务中心的外

展社区，在那里有很多需要接受辅导的

人都拒绝前来中心。社工们唯有做家访，

确保受害人安全。

誓约家庭服务中心也是卫理福利服务的

外展社区，该中心的主任林女士表示，如

果当事人一旦三次没有前来接受辅导，

她将会向家事法庭报告。

陈雪梅资深执行员(通讯)


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林女士说：“很多当事人都不愿意接受

帮助，因为他们不觉得他们有错。而那

些愿意前来接受辅导的人士是因为他们

不愿受罚，如要坐牢等。”

仍是有效的介入工具

社工们注意到，强制性辅导计划在遏止

家庭暴力及确保受害人安全方面大致

上是成功的。林女士认为这个计划可

以“有效地制止”施暴者的行为，清楚

地向他们发出“暴力绝对是不可行”的

信息。

在誓约家庭服务中心，社工们会在6 个

月后向受害人查证并检讨他们的个案，

成功的指标是暴力不再存在。

社区发展，青年及体育部(社会发展、青

年及体育部)在评估强制性辅导计划时

发现，在10个施暴者中，有6个承认他们

有改过。而在3年期的追踪里面，再犯率

为 3.1%，这是不错的成绩，因为这表示

只有少数施暴者违反个人保护令2。

改变心态并不容易

虽然计划有效，但也有它的限制。身为

家庭治疗师的Benny Bong说：“这个

计的执行期过短，而强迫人们改过并不

容易。”

他认为有必要改变人们对这个计划的

观念。“尽管参与计划的人是被法庭

命令前来，这并不代表他的辅导会很

难受。”

晨光家庭服务中心的主任曹书铭也对心

态改变存疑。他补充说：“只有当他们觉

得这个计划有价值及有需要，比如要保

持他们的婚姻，那么才会更有可能出现

改变。”

可是，在经过创伤后，要重建关系需要尽

很大的努力。Benny解释：“消除暴力比

较容易，但要修补关系则比较困难。受

害人需要克服受伤害的感受及愤恨，而

有些还会向他们的施暴者报复。”

对施暴者及受害者来说，要完全康复真

的要走一段很长的路。但强制性辅导计

划的设立给予他们一个重新开始的机

会。

1&2 防止家庭暴力: 《新加坡经验(TheSingapore experience)》, 2009年10月,社会发展、青年及体育部（社会发展、青年及体育部）

自2011年9月起，社会发展、青年及体育部要

求年龄介于18至21岁计划结婚的年轻男女需

要接受婚前准备计划。

虽然在过去20年里，25岁之下的结婚率一直

在稳定下跌中，但同一个年龄组别的离婚率

却一直在上升中。从1990年至2010年，1,000

个已婚男士中，离婚率从13.4上升至27.2；而

在1,000个已婚女士中，离婚率从13.9 提高

至 24.91 。

虽然要求所有未婚夫妇(不论年龄)参与婚前

预备辅导并不容易，但要求所有年轻未婚夫

妇参与辅导对阻止这个风气有很大帮助。

这个特别设计的课程所覆盖的内容包括了为

人父母的责任及与姻亲的关系。婚前辅导课

程获得津贴，社会发展、青年及体育部给予

每对未婚夫妇350元的赞助。

卫理服务中心外展社区淡滨尼家庭服务中心

的高级辅导员Rena Sivadas说：“离婚率不

断上升令人关注，虽然我们不可以要求每一

对未婚夫妇都来参加婚前辅导，但这是一个

好的开始。”

“锁链不可以把婚姻维系。只有线、千千万万的微细的

线才可以把人们长年累月地缝合在一起。”--西蒙·西涅莱（Simone Signoret)

1 2010年的结婚及离婚数字，2011年6月，新加坡统计局

对年轻夫妇来说，他们会认为参与婚前预备

辅导是一个他们在结为夫妇前需要去克服的

一个重大障碍。因此辅导员最重要是与他们

建立良好的关系。

Rena说：“我认为如果他们可以选择的话，

他们不会参与婚前辅导课程。因此，对辅导

员来说，我们必须与这些年轻未婚夫妇建立

起友谊，取得他们的信任，那么当他们在婚后

遇到困难时，便会向我们寻求帮助。”

由于未婚夫妇的强制性辅导计划刚刚推出

不久，成效如何还未能确定。可是，正如其他

的婚前辅导计划一样，与这些未婚夫妇保持

联络十分重要。淡滨尼家庭服务中心及晨光

家庭服务中心均实施一个“婚后跟进计划”

来监察夫妇结婚后的生活。在淡滨尼家庭服

务中心，这个计划在婚前准备辅导完结后一

年进行。

“通常，结婚后的夫妇迫不得已才来找我们

作辅导。”因此，所有辅导员可以做的只是救

火，而不是修补桥梁。

Rena补充说：“夫妇走在一起会经过不同的

阶段，从年轻新婚阶段到有儿有孙的老夫老

妻实在不容易。每一个阶段的婚姻其实都需

要按时检讨。”

林佩萱执行员 (通讯)


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Parenting children after divorce The roles of parents, the Law and Social Service Agencies

A amily nit is split bydivorce, bt children

still need both parents.

Associate Proessor

Deie on shaes at

the roles parents, the

law and social service

agencies play dring and

ater a divorce.

Children deserve the best romtheir parents. Bt those o parentsndergoing divorce ace specialchallenges. The emotional tramathat accompanies divorce otenkeeps parents rom makingdecisions that are in the bestinterests o their children.

Din dice pceedins, the

memories o earlier acrimoniosor tramatic incidents may betriggered. Others may slip intodepression, casing them to benable to cooperate rationally.Criticism and advice rom amilymembers can also make thingsworse. The whole experience ismade even more diclti the other party is datingor remarrying.

What can be done toprotect the right o a child togrow p in a loving and happyenvironment when their parents’relationship breaks down?

th d

hd

Children o divorce coples are otencaght in the middle o the disptes

between their parents. Oten,divorcing parents cannot separatetheir own needs rom their children’sneeds to maintain a relationshipwith the other parent. They arepreoccpied with their own bitterand negative eelings towards theother spose and so are nable toappreciate that their childrenreqire cooperative parenting romboth parents.

Research shows that childrenwho reqently witness confictin their amilies nd it harder tolearn constrctive ways to handleconficts. Stdies have also shownthat newly-divorced parents are lessattentive and responsible towardstheir children. Their parentingdecisions are aected by the anxietyand depression cased by therecent divorce.

Dice als sets in tin the

events sch as moving residenceand parental remarriage, whichare also stressl events orchildren. Together, these add p tocreate a very nstable amily lie orthe children.


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Helplines

c d – xh

h

The law recognises that parenthoodis or lie and joint parenting is bestor the children. In most cases, thecort will make joint or no cstodyorders becase the law expectsboth parents to carry ot theirparenting obligations. In light o this, parents shold aim to makearrangements which are condciveto having both parents participate inthe lives o the children.

p ;

h

Bt the corts and the law can onlydo so mch.

Agencies sch as Family ServiceCentres can help with post-divorceparenting by acilitating ‘cooperativediscssions’ between parents, todiscss optimal tre arrangementsor their children. This will involve aconsellor who can help the parentswork ot specically the children’sliving arrangements as well as whichparent shold be involved in thevarios aspects o the child’s lie.

The best thing parents can do ortheir children is to ocs on thechildren’s welare and consciosly

place the children’s needs ahead o thei wn needs. Din and afte

divorce, the temptation to ‘pnish’the other parent by exclding her orhim rom the children’s lives is verygreat, yet this is the very thing thatmst be avoided. Social serviceagencies can edcate parents onhow to spport the children bothbeore and ater divorce.

Protecting the best interests o children reqires both parents tocooperate with each other. This callsor parents to be generos with thetime the other parent has with thechildren. I this can be achieved,children can have the love andgidance o both parents in theirlives, even ater the divorce.

Debbie Ong is an AssociateProessor in the Faculty o Law at the National University o Singapore.She publishes mainly in the areao amily law, and is a member o the International Advisory Board o the UK Child & Family Law Quarterly Journal. Debbie is also theChairperson o MWS Tampines FSCCentre Governance Committee.

I yo are a parent ndergoing a divorce, and wold like spport in parentingyor child, yo can call:

• MWS FAMILY SERVICE CENTRES

Covenant Family Service Centre: 6282 8558Daea Fail Seice Cente: 6756 4995

Tampines Family Service Centre: 6787 2001

Protecting the best interests o children reqires both parents to

cooperate with each other. The

and their

“custoDy” gives a parentathority over major aspects

o the child’s lie. The practicaleect o making no cstodyorder and an order o joint

cstody is nearly the same. Inboth cases, both parents retaintheir parental athority, and areinvolved in the major decisions

or the child, sch as edcation.

•

“care anD control” gives a parent athority over thechild’s day-to-day matters. Thechild resides with this parent.

•

“access” gives the parentwithot “care and control”reglar time to bond with

the child.


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离婚后对孩子的抚养父母、法律及社会服务机构的角色

孩子应该从他们的父母得到最好的照顾，但离异的父母却面对特别的挑战。离婚所带

来的情感创伤往往令父母在作出决定时，未能够考虑到孩子的最大利益。

在离婚程序中，可能会令双方回忆起早前尖锐的言辞或令人受创的事件。有些可能因为患上忧郁症而导致他们不能理性地合作。来自家庭成员的批评及意见也会令事件变得更难以处理，而如果对方正与新的对象约会或准备再婚，事情变得更为复杂。

当父母的关系无法修好的时候，我们怎样能保护孩子的权利，让他们在一个充满爱和快乐的环境下成长呢？

离婚对孩子的影响父母离异的孩子往往会被困在父母双方的争执中。离婚的父母通常不能够把他们的需要与孩子们的需要分开，来维持与对方的关系。他们的内心会受到另一方对自己所带来的痛苦和负面情绪影响，因而不能够体会在照顾孩子方面，需要父母们的充分合作。

研究报告指出，经常目睹家庭出现纠纷的孩子们，通常在学习以建设性的方法来处理争执方面比较困难。另外也有研究指出，刚离婚的父母对孩子的关注和责任会减少。在抚养孩子方面的决定会受到刚离婚而导致的焦虑和忧郁影响。

离婚也会引来其他事件发生，如搬迁及父母再婚等，这些事情也会对孩子带来沉重的压力。在种种因素下，会为孩子带来很不稳定的家庭生活。.

法庭命令 – 敦促父母作理性表现法律认定为人父母是一生的事情，而父母双方共同照顾孩子对他们来说是最有利的。在大部分的情况下，法庭会发出联合监护令或不发出任何监护令，因为法律预期父母两共同负起抚养孩子的责任。因此，父母应作出适当的安排，有利于父母双方能一齐参与孩子的成长。

一个家庭虽然因为离婚而破裂，但孩

子仍然需要父亲和

母亲的关怀。副教

授Debbie Ong与

我们分享了在离婚

后，父母、法律及社

会服务机构所扮演的角色。


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法律术语及其定义

“监护”是指父母其中一方有权监督孩子的大部分生活。不发出监护令或发出联合监护令的实际用意是差不多一样。两者都让父母保

持他们身为父母的权力，并可以为孩子的重要事情作决定，如孩子

的教育。

•

“照顾及管控”是指父母其中一方对孩子的日常事务有监管权，并与

孩子同住。

•

“探视权”是指让没有权“照顾及管控”孩子的一方可以定期探望孩

子，并与孩子保持良好的关系。

最有利孩子的事情

是父母把焦点放在

孩子的幸福，并意

识到应把孩子们的

需要放在自身需要

之上。

父母必须合作，社会服务机构可以帮忙

但法庭和法律所能帮忙的不多。

社会服务机构像家庭服务中心可以在父

母离婚后，在抚养孩子方面帮上忙，它

们的服务包括促进父母‘共同讨论’及

为孩子日后作出最适当的安排。辅导员

可以帮忙父母为孩子的日常生活妥善安

排及孩子各方面的事情应由哪一方负起

责任等。

最有利孩子的事情是父母把焦点放在孩

子的幸福，并意识到应把孩子们的需要

放在自身需要之上。在进行离婚阶段及

离婚后，父母都会试图‘惩罚’另一方而

不让他或她与孩子接触，但这是必须避

免发生的事情。社会服务机构可以教育

父母怎样在离婚前后对孩子提供帮助。

为保护孩子的最大利益，父母必须互相

合作。要达到这个目的，父母必须大方

地让另一方有充分的时间与孩子相处。

如果能做到这一点，尽管离婚后，孩子们

在他们的生活中都可以得到父母双方的

爱和指导。

Debbie Ong是新加坡国立大学法律系

的副教授。她的著作主要是围绕着家庭

法律的范围。她是英国儿童及家庭法律

季刊的国际顾问成员之一。Debbie也是

卫理福利服务淡滨尼家庭服务中心治理

委员会的主席。

咨询热线

如果你是一名正在经历离婚的父母，并希望

在抚养孩子方面得到帮助，你可以打电话给：

• 卫理福利服务家庭服务中心

誓约家庭服务中心: 6282 8558

晨光家庭服务中心: 6756 4995

淡滨尼家庭服务中心: 6787 2001


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I wasWhile having involved and present

parents is necessary in ensring that

a child grows p into a well-adjstedhman being, sometimes, all he/sheneeds is a mother- and ather-gre in

her lie. Jst ask Michelle Tan.

mh tSenior Executive (Communications)

She was the one who patiently waited or me at thecanteen dring recess, on my rst day o school. Shewas the one who tailored my pyjamas (with cte rabbitprints, no less) and ct my hair reglarly, beore I decidedthat a hairdressing salon was a wiser choice.

He was the one who carried me on his back whilewalking home rom the carpark, when I ell asleep in thecar and he did not want to wake me rom slmber. Hewas the one my kindergarten teacher called to pick mep when my classmates bllied me and I had to miss theschool bs.

I ate, breathed and lived with them or 16 years. Theywere (and still are) my grandparents.

What happened to yor parents? Yo might ask.

They were (and still are) arond. Bt as I was bornwhen they were yong and bsy with their careers, mygrandparents oered to look ater me. One year then ledto another…and well, read on.

J h xh hd

My grandparents were already in their 50s when I wasborn. Their ve children were all yong adlts by then,and I appeared jst when they were ready to take abreather rom parenting.

Night-eeding, diaper-changing, potty-training…yoname it, they did it.

Bt considering I was their rst grandchild, they did notspoil me at all. In act, I think they regarded me as their

sixth child, and believe me; they sre did not pampertheir children.

So one ne morning, I decided that I did not want todrink the cp o Milo Ah Ma prepared. I was playingwith the cp, and beore I knew it, all its contents spilledonto my rabbit-printed pyjamas! And jst like the wind, Ah Ma was standing in ront o me, long woodencane in hand.

I ran, she chased. Rond and rond the soa set inthe living room.

I gave p ater a while thogh. I mean,did I actally think I cold escape rom Ah Ma? Ever?

So she caned me, several times,in act. She then opened theront door and dragged metside, t the cid. D

slammed, locked, and I was alone.Neighbors pleaded with mygrandma to let me in bt to no avail.For two hors, it was me, mysel andmy Milo-stained pyjamas.

‘Spare the rod, spoil the child.’ My AhMa sre believed that.

“wd”

I wold renite with my parents onweekends and honestly, it elt like aweekly vacation. Short and sweet,


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bt itwas not

ideal or bonding andrelationship-bilding with them.

Ater all, they were not the ones who scolded meor not getting good grades, watching too mchtelevision or spending too mch time on the phone.

As I was also my parents’ only child, I had noone else to play with. When I was with mygrandparents, I did not interact mch with anyneighbors’ kids. Even I have to admit that I trnedot pretty normal (and sociable enogh) despite mysemi-reclsive childhood.

I developed sch a close relationship with Ah Kongand Ah Ma that whenever my parents scolded me,

I wold eel bitterness and resentment.

“What right do they have to lay their handson me!?”, I wold think. Ater all, theywere not arond when I was blliedby my peers, nor were they presentwhen I sered rom gastric painsand constipation.

O corse, I no longer blame them.I have learnt and accepted thatcircmstances had prevented themrom going throgh my ps anddowns with me. However, I amnot going to pretend that lie waseasy when I rst moved in with

them permanently ater my ‘O’levels. There were disagreements,no dobt. Bt we have since ironed

ot or dierences and are livingharmoniosly, as a small bt loving amilyo three.

ah m d ah k: i !

Lie an ids, I hae een thh eellis staes

when I was growing p.

I wold mtter Hokkien vlgarities nder my breathwhen Ah Ma hng p on my riends’ phone callsor when she destroyed my cassette tapes, whichI painstakingly saved p money to by. I wold behopping mad when Ah Kong scolded me in plainview o neighbors who were walking past.

Bt yo know what? It does not matter i theyembarrassed me or were overly-strict with me. Ihave realised that there is no way I can repay themin my lietime. They were not obligated bt yet theydedicated 16 o their twilight years bringingme p.

They are well into their 70s now. Ah Kong is nolonger as strong and healthy as he once was. And Ah Ma can no longer cook an eight-corse Chinesemeal or the whole amily withot eeling tired. Btshe still brews Chinese herbal concoctions or meortnightly so I will drop by and catch p with them.I will be the rst to admit that I have yet to showthem enogh care and love since I moved away.

So while they are still alive and well, I want to tellthem (beore it is too late): “Ah Kong, Ah Ma, or allthe times I have cased yo pain, I am sorry. I loveyo. With all my heart.” uv

This story is solely dedicated to my maternal grandparents, who have lovingly and selfessly brought me up into the woman I am now.

Michelle (posing with her boyriend) still visits her grandparents regularly and sends her grandather or hospital checkups whenever possible


7/29/2019 Mws+Uv+1-2012 Web Lo8bae


我是

由阿公阿嫲

带大的

陈雪梅资深执行员(通讯)


虽然在抚养孩子成长的过

程中，父母必须参与其

中，但有时候，孩子只需

要一个可以扮演爸爸或妈

妈的人物便足够了。问问

陈雪梅就知道。

在我第一天上学的时候，是她耐心

地在学校饭堂等课间休息时照顾我。

我(总有可爱的小白兔花印)的睡衣是

由她缝制的，而我的头发一直都是由

她帮我剪的，直到我觉得还是上发廊

比较好。

当我在车里熟睡时，是他不舍得把我

弄醒，把我背着由停车场步行回家。

当我在幼稚园被同学欺负，没有赶上

校车的时候，是他接到老师通知来

接我的。

我跟他们朝暮相处，衣食住行都离不

开的生活了16年。

他们就是我的外祖父母。

您可能会问，您的父母怎样了？

不用担心，他们健在。只不过在我出

生的时候，他们还年轻，要为事业打

拼，因此我的外祖父母愿意帮忙照顾

我。就这样一年接一年… 请大家继

续看下去吧！

把我当成他们第六个孩子

当我出生的时候，我的外祖父母已经

50多岁了。那时候，他们的5个孩子

已经长大，而当他们正想放下抚养孩

子的责任时，我出现了。

夜间喂奶、换尿片、训练大小便…

所有育儿工作，他们全包了。

虽然我是他们第一个孙子，但他们没

有把我宠坏。事实上，我想他们是把

我当作他们的第六个孩子来抚养。相

信我，他们绝对不溺爱他们的孩子。

记得有一个晴朗的早上，我决定不要

喝阿嫲为我准备的美禄。我在玩弄杯

子，一不留神，杯子倒翻了，

身上的兔子睡衣弄湿了！阿嫲随即便

拿着藤条站在我面前。

我围着客厅的沙发团团转，她在后

面追。

过了一阵子，我投降了。当时或许想

可逃得过阿嫲…我怎么想的？

她打了我几藤，然后打开大门，罚我

站在走廊。她把门关上，留下我一个

人。邻居恳求阿嫲开门让我进去，但

都不得要领。我就这样穿着沾上美禄

的睡衣站在门外两个小时。

阿嫲肯定相信，‘不教不成材’。

“周末” 父母

我在周末会与父母相聚，老实说，就

好像周末度假。这个很短很甜蜜的相

聚，对建立起相互的关系并不理想。

毕竟，当我成绩不好、看太多电视

或老是顾着通电话时，他们并没有在

场骂我。

由于我是独生孩子，我小的时候没有

人陪我一块儿玩。当我在外祖父母的

家时，我很少与任何邻近的孩子互

动。尽管我的童年蛮孤单，但还好长

大后，我的社交生活很正常，没有受

到影响。

由于我与阿公阿嫲的感情深厚，所以

每当受到父母责骂时，心里会感到难

受和怨恨。

我会想：“他们有什么权管我!?”。

毕竟，当我被同伴欺负的时候、肚

子痛或便秘的时候，他们都不在我

的身边。

当然，我已经没有埋怨他们。我已经

学习接受他们的情况或许不能陪伴我

度过童年。但当我考完‘O’水准回

去跟父母同住时，我不能否定一切都

不太顺利。我们之间无疑存在着很多

争议。但我们已经把彼此之间的分歧

消除，这个小小的三口之家现在已

经其乐融融地生活。

阿嫲阿公：我很爱您们!

就像很多孩子一样，当我成长的时

候，我也经过叛逆期。

当阿嫲挂断我朋友的来电，或当她破

坏我辛辛苦苦储钱买回来的卡带时，

我会用福建粗话嘀咕着。而当阿公在

邻居经过时，还当着他们的面来骂我

时，我气得快要发疯了。

但您知道吗？无论他们怎样令我尴尬

或对我管教过严，这一切都不重要。

因为我知道我一生都不可以回报他们

对我的关怀和爱护。他们并没有义务

照顾我，但他们却愿意在他们的晚年

花了16年光景尽心尽力把我带大。

他们现在已经70多岁了。阿公已经不

及以前强壮健康，阿嫲也不像以往可

以为我们准备八道菜而不累。但她每

两个星期还是为我炖汤，好让我记得

回去吃饭，与他们聊天。我得首先承

认，自从搬走以后，我并没有好好照

顾和爱护他们。

因此，趁他们还健在的时

候，我很想跟他们说(以免

后悔莫及): “阿公阿嫲，很

对不起，我很多时候都令您

们生气心痛。我很爱很爱您

们。”

我把这个故事完全献给我的外

祖父母，谢谢他们无私地爱护

着我，把我抚养成人。

7/29/2019 Mws+Uv+1-2012 Web Lo8bae


The viral bug catching on with

non-rofts

The 7.0 magnitde earthqake that strck Haiti

in 2010 grabbed the news headlines or weeks on end.

The gres were staggering:

Almost a qarter o a million people perished;

3.5 million people aected; 1.5 million made homeless;

and almost 300,000 hoses that were badly damagedor destroyed by the qake.

Bt qietly on the side, this disaster made history in other ways.

J lExecutive (Communications)

ch b HWeb Editor (Communications & Fundraising)

A website was set up to allow peoplerom around theworld to help

locate and identi y missing persons


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MWS has lanched a Facebook page and web portal where

spporters can go to or moreinormation, ask qestions,or leave a comment or two.

Please visit s at...

or search ormhd w s

on Facebook.

The American Red Cross askedthe pblic to donate to the Haitiresponse throgh uS$10 a poptext messages by texting ‘HAITI’ tothe nmber 90999. The call wentviral, throgh SMSes, Facebook and Twitter.

Within six days, more than uS$21million was raised throgh mobilemedia, dwarng the uS$4 millionraised throgh the same channel

across all charities jst a year ago.

“That’s #MobileFndraisingHistory,”said Allyson Kapin, editor o Frogloop, a non-prot indstry blog,according to a Mashable article.

Facebook grops sprng p allover to spread awareness andcanvass or spport and donationsor the disaster.

one f the – EArTHquAkE HAITI

– started ot as a spport grop btmorphed into a makeshit missingpersons blletin-board that wasmore than 170,000-strong ater

two days.

A HaitiEarthqakeSpport Centrewebpage wascreated so thatmembers o thepblic cold

help identiy andlocate missingpersons. Somewold ploadpictres o missing persons,while others trawlthrogh imagesrom the newsor websites tolocate thesemissing

persons.

Lcall, asit stdents t t

social media to organise ndraisingeorts in the wake o Japan’s 9.0magnitde earthqake last year.

Stdents rom Nanyang Technological university, Nationaluniversity o Singapore andSingapore Management universitysed Facebook and Twitter topte thei Dance f Japan

ndraiser concert.

News o their eorts spreadqickly on Facebook, garnering300 ollowers within eight hors,reaching 2,000 within three daysbeore peaking at slightly morethan 3,000.

The ollowers volnteered theirservices or the concert throghthe Facebook page and spread theword o the event among their ownriends. Some even sggested ideas

to raise more nds.

Their online ollowing translated tophysical spport as more than athosand spporters attended theconcert and raised over $20,000.

sd + d =

The speed and spread o socialmedia made it possible or the manon the street hal a world awayto respond, either by donating orsharing the inormation, sing their

personal connections to spreadthe word.

“The exponential power o theseconnections can provide greatervisibility aster than nearly anyother medim,” said social mediaspecialist Simon Mainwaring.

With more than 800 million activeFacebook sers and 200 million

Twitter sers worldwide, thesesocial networks transcend

geography limitations.

It is this visibility that non-protorganisations and their casescannot and shold not do withot.

Volnteers and donors havea preerence or social media,according to the Commnity

Philanthropy 2.0 srvey.

The 2009 stdy, based in America,showed that 55 percent o individals se social media todiscss philanthropy.

Forty-ve percent said they preerredto se social networks to engagewith non-prots, and 61 percenttrst blogs and social networks toprovide important inormation.

Head o FamilyWorks CommnityServices Jasper Sim said: “Ina globalised world connectedthrogh the Internet, social mediaplays its part in helping non-protorganisations to reach not only tothose who are in need bt to thosewho are willing to give.”

FamilyWorks is a joint commnityotreach o MWS and ChangiMethodist Chrch.

Global pblic relations agency Text100 said or non-prots, socialmedia is no longer a ‘nice to have’,bt a ‘mst have’.Red Cross raised unds or

relie work in Haiti throughSMS donations, bringing in

more than US$21 million

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林佩萱执行员(通讯)

主编Allyson Kapin 说：“这为手机筹

款写下新的一页。”

面书团体纷纷出现，迅速把消息转递，

为灾民提供支持而劝捐。.

其中一个团体– 地震海地(EARTHQUAKE

HAITI) – 起初是一个支援组织，但后来

变为一个临时失踪人士的公告栏，并在两天内有17 万人登入。

热心人士也建立了一个海地地震支援中

心网页，让公众帮忙确认及寻找失踪人

士。有些人会把失踪人士的照片上载，

有些则在新闻或网站搜索，寻找失踪

人士。

本地的大学生去年为发生9级大地震的

日本通过社交媒体来组织筹款活动。

南洋理工大学、新加坡国立大学、新加

坡管理大学的学生利用面书及推特来发

起为日本筹款，举行慈善舞蹈演出。

他们的善举很快在面书上传开，在短短

8小时内便吸引到300人参与，并在3天

内有2,000人响应，随后达到稍微超过

3,000人的支持。

志愿工作者通过面书把消息传递，并在

他们的朋友中口语相传。有些更提议筹

得更多善款的好点子。

他们在网上的行动随后转变为实质的支

持，超过1000名支持者参加了晚会，总

共筹得的善款超过2万元。

速度 + 传递 = 可见度

社交媒体的快速传递让在地球另一边的

普通人也可以作出回应，他们可以捐

款或分享讯息，利用个人的联系把消息

传开。

社交媒体专家Simon Mainwaring

说：“这些联系以指数般的威力转递，

可以比任何其他媒体更快速地提供更大

的可见度。”

随着全球拥有8亿名活跃面书用户及2亿名推特用户，这些社交网络超越了地域

的限制。

非牟利机构为完成它们的目标不能够及

不应该忽略这些具可见度的社交网络。

根据社区慈善(Community

Philanthropy) 2.0 调查报告指出，志愿

人士及捐赠者喜欢利用社交媒体。

这项于2009年在美国作出的调查显示

55%的个别人士会利用社交媒体来讨论

慈善事业。

45%受访人士说他们喜欢利用社交网络

与非牟利组织接触，而61%人士信任博

客及社交网络提供的重要信息。

家庭工程社区服务主任沈圣奇说:“在一

个通过互联网来联系的环球化世界里，

社交媒体不但可以帮助非牟利组织接触

有需要帮助的人士，同时也可以向那些

愿意提供帮助的人士招手。”

家庭工程社区服务是卫理福利服务及樟

宜堂联合设立的社区外展服务。

环球公共关系机构Text 100说，社交媒

体对非牟利组织来说不再是一个‘最好

拥有’，而是一个 ‘必须拥有’的好帮

手。

非牟利团体利用互联网快速传递讯息

卫理福利服务已在面书登陆，

并推出了网页，支持者可以从中得知更多信息、提问、或表达意见。

请登入我们的网站 w w w .m w s .o r g .s g 或在面书搜索卫理福利服务。

当海地在2010年发生7.0级大地震时，令

人震惊的消息连续几个星期登上了报章

头条。

惊人的数字包括:约25万人亡；350万人受到影响；150万人无

家可归；以至差不多30万间房屋在地震中严重损坏或被摧毁。

但不动声色地，这个灾

难以另一个方式为历史写下新的一页。

美国红十字会要求公众通过手机短信捐

款10美元给海地灾民，手机用户只需输

入‘HAITI’ ，然后把短信发送至90999

即可。这个消息通过SMS短信、面书

(Facebook)及推特(Twitter)像病毒般传

播开去。

在6天内通过手机媒体所筹得的款项超

过2,100万美元，比一年前通过同样渠

道从所有慈善团体筹得的400万元高出

许多。

Mashable(社交媒体资讯网站)的一篇文

章报道，Frogloop(一个非牟利博客)的


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MWS, 2 Jan 2012 Almost hal a million dollars was raised or the Methodist Welare Services (MWS) and HighPoint Community Services Association in a charity dinner. Calling the event

a tremendous success, Chairman o the MWS Board o Governance Mr David Wong said, “On behal o MWS, Iwould like to place on record a big ‘thank you’ to all donors,

sponsors and the organisers or their contributions.”

Daybreak Family Service Centre, 24 Nov 2011

Families at Daybreak Family Service Centre bonded over a soap-making workshop conducted by students romRafes Institution. Over 40 beautiul soaps in a variety o shapes and colours were created using the “melt and

pour” method.

Wesley Seniors Activity Centre, 3 Dec 2011More than 130 senior citizens at Wesley Seniors Activity Centre celebrated its ocial opening. MP or Moulmein-Kallang, Ms Denise Phua, and Chairman o the MWS Board o Governance, Mr David Wong, graced the occasion.Mr Wong encouraged the seniors to make ull use o theCentre by participating in its activities.

Covenant Family Service Centre, 11 Dec 2011Over the school holidays, children rom Covenant Family

Service Centre were taken to West Coast Park or un and games. Competing against one another in groups, they played station games. Each team had to carry ve eggs along as they went about, with each unbroken egg earningthem points at the end.

In and Arond Or CentresNov 2011 to Jan 2012

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D’Joy Children’s Centre,

Daybreak Student Care Centre, 16 Dec 2011Fity children rom D’Joy Children’s Centre and Daybreak Student Care Centre perormed and competed at Wesley Hall at theMethodist Centre to mark the end o a six-month perorming artscourse, aimed at building sel-esteem and teamwork. The best

individual and group per ormances were crowned.

Tampines Family Service Centre, 20 Dec 2011

The elderly and their amilies bonded at Tampines Family Service Centre’s Inter-generation Games, held with support rom

berienders rom Sil ver Connect. As the event was held close toChristmas, all games played carried the holiday theme. Participantswere treated to a lunch buet spread at the end o the day.

l ch

D’Joy Children’s Centre, 8 Dec 2011Organised and sponsored by Marina Square, second-year

kindergarten graduates rom D’Joy Children’s Centre celebrated Christmas at the shopping centre with watching the Chuggington

show, riding the Chuggington train and enjoying a meal at Swensen’s.

bh’ ch

Bethany Methodist Nursing Home, 21 Dec 2011Sta at Bethany Methodist NursingHome brought inChristmas cheer by decking the Homewith red, green and

gold decorations, and perorming or the residents. They

also had a dinner inthe evening graced

by Chairman o the MWS Board o Governance,Mr David Wong,MWS Group Executive Director, Mrs Jenny Bong, and members o

the Centre Governance Committee.

a ch ch p

Christalite Methodist HomeResidents at Christalite Methodist Home celebrated Christmas withvolunteers rom Intercontinental Singapore. They played bingo, sangcarols and had a special buet high tea. The residents ended the

party with a karaoke session.

ch festivities at MWS


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A People-Oriented Pastor

Rev Nagulan makes special eort to nurture strong bonds in the amily

To say that ReverendJames Naglan is absy man wold be an

nderstatement.

Not only does he holdthe position o President,

Emmanel Tamil

Conerence (ETAC), a postwhich he has held since2004, he is also Pastor- in-charge o Tamil Methodist

Chrch Short Street.

In act, or his members at TamilMethodist Chrch in Short Street,he is jst a phone call away. And jstlike a ather to his chrch members,he responds to them readily andtakes it pon himsel to attend totheir needs.

Reverend Naglan has alwaysregarded himsel as a “person-helper” and is caringly involved inothers’ lives. This conviction thathas gided him in his ministryis an attribte that makes himapproachable or assistance.

This personal toch is extended tohelping the poor and needy.

He reconts how, 12 years ago, asa pastor or Jrong Tamil MethodistChrch, he visited residents at

Christalite Methodist Home weeklywith chrch volnteers. They woldbring home-cooked ood and holdchapel sessions. Over the years,chrch members have orged abond with the residents and manystill visit them reglarly.

His otreach ministry also incldesbilding relationships with migrantworkers. In addition to organisingsocial events, his chrch alsooers them legal aid, and condctsEnglish and compter classes. Volnteers wold also condctweekly evening worship servicesollowed by dinner.

“These away-rom-home individalsare very mch in need o prayerbecase they are lonely, ace many

As President o ETAC, he is theleader and mentor o the pastorsand sta o the eight chrchesin the Conerence and has toattend to all matters pertainingto pastor management andpostings, Conerence policies andgovernance, congregation andministry isses. He also attendsMCS Concil and Board meetings.

As pastor to his TMC fock, heaithlly pays monthly home visitswith his sta to the hosebondor prayer, minister commnionand ellowship. In addition to thesecommitments and other work-related obligations, he never ails toattend amily celebrations, attendto personal prayer reqests, makehospital visits, and lend a helpinghand when called pon.

J lExecutive (Communications)


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Rev Nagulan conducting baptism at East Coast when he was serving in Pasir Panjang TMC

strggles, and have concerns thatthey wish to share with s,” he said.

By setting an example or hiscongregation throgh his volnteerwork, he has contribted to acltre o giving within the TamilMethodist commnity, as seenrom the positive response inberiender sign-ps or the MCS125Commnity Otreach Project.

“It’s too easy to jst donate money. There is no real connection with thepeople yo’re helping. We need toenter into the space o those we’retrying to help by spending time withthem, becase time molds s asmch as it impacts them,” he said

He added that social concerns isnot abot participating in a one-time

event. “It is abot mobilising talentsand people with the heart to servethe disadvantaged. We cannot losesight o the love o Christ.”

h, h

Rev Naglan is a prod ather o three school-going children (16-year-old Noel, 12-year-old Naomi andve-year-old Nathanael) who areeqally active in their chrch grops.He believes that a Christian ather is“one who’s able to constantly refecton himsel the atherly characterthat we read in Scriptre, which islove with discipline, grace, mercyand sacrice”.

Bt it takes more than jst “talk” tobe a good Christian ather.

As the ETAC President and Pastor-in-charge o a Methodist chrch,time is a precios commodity. Hisweekends, especially, are lledwith back-to-back ministerial dtiesinclding or worship services.

However, he and his wie Mathi,who is a teacher, make a specialeort to nrtre strong bonds o togetherness in the amily. For 10years and still conting, he sendshis children to and rom schooldaily to spend some qality timewith them.

“It’s a commitment, a sacrice andalso a discipline,” he said. Thisinvolves waking p at 5.30am daily,even on his o days, to send themto school.

“I want them to know that I’m willingto sacrice or them and that it is

done ot o love; hoping that thesetraits will infence their lives.”

He also ensres that his children donot eel any nde pressre to excelby having a ather who is a pastor.“I encorage them reglarly to work or motivation and clarity, and not tobe pressred by the expectations o others and that there’s nothing to beashamed o as long as they knowthat they have done what is rightand done it well.”

if h h

Rev Naglan is concerned that theyoth are not sciently invested inhelping the less-ortnate.

“Many yoth today volnteer theirtime by visiting homes or coachingnderprivileged stdents, becasethey have Commnity Involvementhors to ll, not becase theytrly want to. There’s then no lastingcontact with those they help,”he said.

Moreover, living in an afentsociety like Singapore redces theopportnities o getting to knowthe poor and needy. Rev Naglanadded: “They’re not as accessibleand visible to the pblic. Hence, wecomort orselves by thinking thatthe government will provideor them.”

“Vales begin at home. As parents,we can volnteer, together with orchildren. We need to show themthat there’re people who’re sering.Hopelly then, or children might“catch the re” and they’ll look oropportnities to serve in a greatercapacity.”

“We need to enter into the space o those we’re trying to help by spendingtime with them, becase time molds

s as mch as it impacts them.”


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他不单只担任以马内利淡米尔年议会

(ETAC)的会长(从2004年开始出任)，也

是肃街淡米尔堂的主任牧师。

作为ETAC的会长，他是议会内8家教堂

内的牧师及职员的领导者及导师，他也

需要处理所有关于牧师的事务和调职、

议会政策与管治、会众及牧职等事宜。

另外，他也参与新加坡卫理公会的议会

及董事会议。

身为肃街淡米尔堂的主任牧师，他每个

月必定联同其他职员探访行动不便的信

众，一同祈祷、送圣餐及举行团契聚

会。除了负责这些牧民工作及其他有关

的义务外，他必定参与家庭庆祝活动、

个人祈祷邀请、探访住院信友及当信众

有需要时给予帮忙。

事实上，对于肃街淡米尔堂的信友们来

说，只要一通电话，他就会马上帮忙。

他对教会内的信友的照顾就好像慈父一

样，乐于亲自回应及照顾他们的需要。

拿古兰牧师经常都视自己为一个“好帮

手”，他永远都关爱着其他人的生活，

这是他履行其牧师之职的一个强烈信

念，而正因为此让他平易近人。

他对别人的关爱不限于信友，他也帮助

贫困和有需要的人士。

他忆述在12年前，当他在裕廊淡米尔堂

担任牧师时，他每周都会与教堂内的志

愿工作者去探访基督之光卫理关怀院的

住院者。他们会带同一些在家煮好的食物与住院者分享并举行团契聚会。多年

下来，教堂内的弟兄姐妹已经与住院者

建立起深厚的友谊，有些仍然经常去探

访他们。

以人为本的牧师

他的外展牧职也包括与外来劳工建立良

好关系。除了举办社交活动外，他也会

在教堂为外劳提供法律上的帮助，开办

英语及电脑课程。志愿工作者也会为外

劳每周举行晚上礼拜聚会，然后共进

晚餐。

他说：“这些外劳远离家乡，他们十分需

要祈祷，因为他们会感到孤独及面对很

多挣扎，他们也有很多忧虑很想与我们

分享。”

他透过他的志愿工作为他的信众树立一

个好榜样，并在淡米尔卫理社区内建立

起一个施予的文化，从许多人参与卫理

公会125周年社区外展计划的扶助者行

列便可见一斑。

他说：“捐献是很容易做到的事，但你与

你所帮助的人并没有真正的接触。我们

需要进入我们所帮助的人的世界里，与

他们共处，因为时间可以塑造我们，也

可以让他们感动。”

他补充说，关怀社会不是单单参加一次

活动就足够。“我们需要动员有才能的

人及有爱心的人为那些弱势人士服务。

我们不可以忽视主耶稣对我们的爱。”

慈爱的父亲，尽责的牧者拿古兰牧师是三个学童的爸爸(16

岁的Noel、12岁的Naomi及5岁的

Nathanael)，他们在教堂内也十分活

跃。他认为一个跟随基督的爸爸是“一

个能够经常会反省自已有没有像圣经里

所说的慈父一样，以教诲、感恩、怜悯

及牺牲的精神去爱自己的孩子”。

但要做一个好的基督徒爸爸不是单靠

“讲”就可以，还要身体力行。

身为ETAC的会长及卫理教堂的主任牧

师，时间对他来说十分宝贵。尤其是在

周末，他的牧职可说是一个接一个，包

括4个礼拜聚会。

可是，他与身为教师的妻子Mathi很努力

建立起家庭成员之间的密切关系。10多

年来，他每天坚持送自己的孩子上学，

并与他们度过宝贵的时光。

他说：“这是一种承诺、牺牲及纪

律。” 因为要送孩子们上学，每天早上

5点半便要起床，尽管是休假天。

“我想让他们知道，我愿意为他们作出牺

牲，而我这样做是因为我爱他们，并希

望我的榜样，可以影响他们的人生。”

他也确保他的孩子不会因为有一个做牧

师的父亲而感到有额外的压力要做得更

好。“我经常鼓励他们要有清晰的思路，充满干劲去工作，而不要因为别人的期

待而感到有压力，只要知道自己在做什

么，做得对、做得好，那么就不需要感

到可耻。”

感化年轻人拿古兰牧师担心年轻人在帮助贫困者方

面没有投入足够的时间和精力。

他说：“现今许多年轻人愿意花时间探

访疗养院或辅导贫困学生是因为他们需

要履行参与社区服务的时间，而不是他

们真心愿意帮忙。在他们进行义务工作

的时候，他们没有把自己的心放在工作

上，只是敷衍了事。”

再者，生活在新加坡物质富裕的社会

里，减少了与贫困及有需要人士的接触

机会。拿古兰牧师补充说：“有需要帮

助的人不是这么容易让大众接触及看得

到。因此，我们会安慰自己，认为政府

会照顾好他们。”

“价值观是可以在家庭捕捉得到的。身为

家长，我们可以与孩子们一起参与志愿

工作。我们需要让孩子们知道这个世界

有很多不幸的人，希望孩子们能够“受到感动”，之后他们会以更大的爱

心及更多的时间去为更多有需要的人服

务。”

林佩萱执行员 (通讯)

如果说雅各拿古兰牧

师(Reverend James

Nagulan)很忙碌，似

乎有点低估了他的工作量，因为他日理万机。


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Dnatin F

Mr/Mdm/Ms/Rev/Dr/Prof# __________________________________

Name ______________________________________________________

NRIC/FIN No______________________________________Sex M/F#

Address ___________________________________________________

___________________________________________ (S )

Date of Birth _______________________________________________

Contact (Home) _________________ (Ofce) ___________________

(Mobile) ____________________________________________________

Occupation ________________________________________________

Email ______________________________________________________

Place of Worship (if any) ___________________________________

I am pleased to make a contribution of the following amount

o t D

$250 $150 $100 $80 $50

Other Amount ___________________________________________

mh D

$80 $50 $20 $10

Other Amount ___________________________________________

i d d hh

Cheque No _________________________ Bank ______________

Visa/Mastercard No (minimum $10)

Please be assred that yor personal inormation will be kept strictly condential. Yor personal donation is eligible or two and a hal times tax dedction. Please provide s yor particlarsespecially yor NRIC/FIN No or sbmission to Inland Revene Athority o Singapore or atomatic tax dedction. For non-individal donors, please provided ROC No/ROB No.

Date _______________________________________________________ Name of Billing Organisation: mhd w s

To: (Name of Bank) _____________________________________________ Customer Name ___________________________________________

Branch ____________________________________________________ NRIC/FIN No ______________________________________________

1) I/we# hereby instruct you to process BO’s instructions to debit my/our # account2) You are entitled to reject the BO’s debit instruction if my/our# account does not have sufcient funds and charge me/us# a fee for this. You may also at your discretion allow the

debit even if this results in an overdraft on the account and impose charges accordingly.3) This authorisation will remain in force until terminated by your written notice sent to my/our# address last known to you or upon receipt of my/our # written revocation through

Methodist Welfare Services.

My/Our# Name(s) (as in account) ________________________________

Monthly Donation (Payment Limit) $ _____________________________

My/Our# Account Number: _________________________________

My/Our# Contact (Tel/Fax) No(s) ____________________________

Expiry Date Signature

GIRO (Please complete form below)

To: mhd w sThis application is hereby rejected for the following reason(s)(please indicate)

Signature/Thumbprint # differs from the Bank’s records

Amendments not countersigned by customer

Wrong account number

Account operated by Signature/Thumbprint#

Signature/Thumbprint* incomplete/unclear#

Others

Name of Approving Ofcer Authorised Signature Date

*For thumbprints, please go to the branch with your identication documents#Please delete where applicable

Bank Branch MWS Account No.

P L E A S E S E A L A L o N

g T

H E S I D E S . P L E A S E D o N

o T E N C L o S E

C A S H .

My/Our Company Stamp/Signature(s)/Thumbprint(s)#

(as in bank’s record)

Bank Branch Account No. to be Debited

MWS Customer Reference No.

UNCVQ112


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7/29/2019 Mws+Uv+1-2012 Web Lo8bae


plan to Give有计划的奉献

Yo may not know, bt MWS

welcomes and accepts

donations in the orm o

planned giving

wh d ?

Planned giving are charitable gits that arearranged with orethoght and planning, like beqestsor trsts. It gives the donors the fexibility to deer the

lllment o the gits ntil a tre date, inclding atertheir lietimes.

wh d

Planned giving helps to ensre the tre o or servicesand programmes or the nderprivileged in or society. Ithelps MWS to better existing programmes and developnew ones, so that those who need help will contine to

receive aid.

Planned gits are a poplar method o giving becasethe can pide cetain tax enets. Dns can chse

to designate exactly how this git is to be sed, or leaveit nrestricted so that MWS has the fexibility to se it to

meet changing needs.

th d

Planned gits can come in several orms, inclding:

Bequests

A charitable beqest is considerably more fexible and cantae n an fs. Dns can leae a specic s f

money or asset, a percentage o their estates, or whatremains o their estates ater other beneciaries are taken

care o.

Insurance

When an insrance policy has served its original prpose,dns can desinate mWS as its enecia. Dns can

also choose to prchase an insrance policy and nameMWS as the owner and beneciary.

CPF monies

Dns can ninate mWS as a enecia f thei CPF

monies. CPF nomination orms can be obtained romthe CPF Board Oce or its website, and signed in the

presence o two adlt witnesses.

您可能有所不知，卫理福利服

务欢迎及接受有计划奉献的

捐款

何谓有计划奉献?

有计划奉献是指经过事先考虑及计划而安排好的

慈善捐赠，像遗赠或基金。它可让捐赠者有弹性地

延后捐赠的承诺，包括在离世后才作出捐赠。

为什么要作有计划的奉献？

有计划奉献可以确保我们未来为社会上弱势社群所提供的服务

和计划得到帮助。它可以帮助卫理福利服务改善现有的计划及

发展新的计划，让需要帮助的人士能继续获得帮助。

有计划奉献是受欢迎的一项捐赠方法，因为它可以让捐赠者获

得一些税务优惠。捐赠者可以指定这些捐赠应如何使用，或不设

限制，让卫理福利服务可以有弹性地因应变化来善用捐款。

有计划奉献的类别

有计划奉献可以不同形式进行，包括:

遗赠

慈善遗赠可以灵活的以不同的方式进行。捐赠者可以留下一笔

指定数目的款项或资产、他们遗产中的一部分或者是在照顾了

其他受益人之后，余下来的遗产。

保险

当一份保单照顾了其原先目的后，捐赠者可以指定卫理福利服

务为其受益人。捐赠者也可以选择购买一份保单，并指定卫理福

利服务为保单的所有人及受益人。

公积金存款

捐赠者可以指定卫理福利服务为其公积金存款的受益人。公积

金命名表格可以向公积金局办事处索取或从其网站下载，并在

两个成年人见证下签署便可以奏效。

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From

banking tohelping thedestitutemdhmExecutive (Community Partnership)Christalite Methodist Home

Christalite Methodist Home (CMH)administrative ocer Valerie Koh was

given her long service award lastDecee, t this was n dina

award. The long service award was or15 years, as long as CMH has beenin existence.

Started in 1997 to provide careand spport or the destitte, CMHhas seen many changes dring

these 15 years, o which Valeriewitnessed rsthand.

Valerie was involved in the initialstrggle to get spport rom donorsand volnteers when CMH rst started.Working within a tight and limitedbdget was critical. Bt with a aithl

base o donors and volnteers, CMHdeveloped into what it is now.

Being one o the pioneers, Valerie hadto start everything rom scratch, be itrecriting sta or prchasing things.

The prole o the destitte residentshas also changed throgh the years. At

the start, many residents were sick andreqired walking aids or wheelchairs.Bt the residents now are yonger,

more edcated, and more mobile.CMH has had to adjst its programmeand activities to meet the challenges o caring or its residents.

Ater a decade in the banking sector, Valerie grabbed the opportnity to join CMH when it rst started. Shehas always desired to work in schan environment. “When God openedthe door, I grabbed the opportnityinstantly,” she said.

She shared that her 15 years in CMHhave been very satisying, each spentknowing every resident as an individal,helping them in some way.

“It opened my eyes to the needs o the elderly in Singapore,” she said. “Itchanged my perception o ageing andthe isses that a ect them.”

mws c & ohIn Chistian Le, mWS pides alit seices t addess peailin scialneeds, toch lives and advance a compassionate and caring commnity.

ed--chJenny Bong

ed cPeal Lee

c, dq, d d dd d

ddd :Michelle Tan

D & pdSNAP! Ceatie Pte Ltd2, Soon Wing Road #03-08

Singapore 347893Tel: 6292 0678

u v is the qarterly pblication o Methodist Welare Services. It is circlated ree o chargeto donors, volnteers, commnity partners, riends andMethodist chrches, schools and agencies.

MWS is a Member o NCSSCentral FndIPC Stats has been renewedntil 30 September 2014Charity Regn No: 00166

uEN: S81SS 0088H

mws Hdq70 Barker Road,#05-01, Singapore 309936S6478 4700X 6478 4701U [email protected]

v www.mws.org.sg

cHilDren & youtH

D’J chd c c & D’J sd c c

Blk 1 Maude Road #03-30Singapore 200001

S6294 9960 X 6294 9597U [email protected]

D sd c c @n b p sh

7 Yishun Avenue 4

Singapore 769028S6757 2907 X 6757 0795U [email protected]

rd @ s. g’

1 St. George’s LaneSingapore 328047

S6296 4840X 6296 0942U [email protected]

mws b p(administered by MWS HQ)

amily services

c s c

Blk 613 Hougang Ave 8#01-432, Singapore 530613

S 6282 8558 X 6283 6361U [email protected]

t s c

Blk 470 Tampines St 44#01-194, Singapore 520470


D s c

Blk 855 Yishun Ring Road#01-3539, Singapore 760855


w c s

Sengkang Central Post Ofce

PO Box 865 Singapore 915408

S 97695892U [email protected].

org.sg

w h h p p(administered by MWS HQ)

elDerly, sick & Destitute

a mhd H(H)

Administrative oce:70 Barker Road, #05-03Singapore 309936


bh mhd n H

9 Choa Chu Kang Ave 4Singapore 689815


ch mhd H

51 Marsiling DriveSingapore 739297


w s a c

Blk 25 Jalan BersehSingapore 200025


Documents

Mws+Uv+1-2012 Web Lo8bae