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Moving Couples Beyond Repair: Repatterning Relationships in EFT
Elana Katz, LCSW Melbourne Community for EFT
In Partnership with AAFT
February 14, 2019
Introductions
• Meetsomeoneyoudon’tknow
• Whatdidtheyleavebehindtobeheretoday,andwhydidtheydecidetocome?
EFT-A New Era in Couples Therapy
The couples therapist is in territory of the: • Understandable • Predictable • Explainable • Changeable We know: • The Territory – The Problem - Distance • The Destination – Goal – Secure Attachment • The Map/Key Moves – Deescalation, Bonding
events
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Attachmenttheoryexplains…
• Stonewalling,likethestillfaceexperimentsinwhichmothersshowednoresponsetotheirchildren(Tronick,1989),shattersassumptionsofresponsivenessandinducesunbearabledistress
TheBottomLine
• EFTisaboutrestoring,repairingorcreatingrelationshipscharacterizedbycyclesofattunementandresponsiveness
• EFTcreatesinsession,correctiveemotionalexperiencesuniquetothemodel
Emotion
• Insometherapiesemotionwasoftenseenintermsofventilationandcatharsis,or–ifcognitiveshiftswereemphasized-itwastobecontainedoravoided
• InEFTemotionisboththeorganizingelementincoupleinteractionsandanagentofchange
Experiential-Emotions
Systemic-
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Attachment
Overview:WhyEFT?
• Wearemammals• Attachmentneedsarecradletograve(Bowlby)• Acultureofseparatenessisatoddswithourbiology
• Empathyisournaturalstate• Whenwedonotgetemotionalresponsivenessweprotest
• Thisprotestoccursinpredictablewaysforeachperson
Overview:WhyEFT?
• Emotionalseparationcuespanicandprotest• Theattachmentstyleofonepartnerfuelsthereactivityoftheother
• Thiscreatescyclesofinteractionthatarepredictableandrecurringforeachcouple
• Theantidotetodisruptedattachmentistheabilitytocreatesecureattachment
PrinciplesofAttachmentTheory: Dependencyisdepathologized
• Theneedforonepredictableemotional connectionoratiewithafewsignificantothers isaninnateandprimarymotivatingprinciplein humanbeings,especiallyintimesof
transition,stress,ordanger
• Connectionoffersasafehaveninadangerous world
PrinciplesofAttachment: Feltsecurityfostersautonomy
• Asecureinterdependenceinanadultrelationshipallowspartnerstobeseparateanddifferentwithoutanxietyandencouragesthemtoexploretheworld
Principles: Emotioniscentraltoattachment
• Emotionalaccessibilityandresponsivenesspredictsthequalityofarelationship
• Inacloserelationship,anyresponseisbetterthannone;“it’sbettertobewantedformurderthannottobewantedatall”(Stern)
Principles:Whenpartnerisnotaccessibleandresponsive,separationdistressispredictable
• Thisincludesangryprotest,clingingandseeking,depressionanddespair,anddetachment–wewillseethatwhenwelookatcyclesofinteraction
Principles:Wecanidentifybehaviorsthatelicitcontactwiththelovedone
• Inasecurebondtheseinvolvesendingclear,congruentmessagesthepullthelovedonetowardthepartner
Principles:Adultattachmentintegratescaregiving,attachmentandsexuality
• Touching,emotionalconnectionandsoothing
• Emotionalopenness,responsivenessandtendernessheightenpleasure
• Attachmentisalsorepresentational:securepartnersholdeachotherinheartandmind
Principles:Constrainedpatternsofinteractionconstrictsthewaywethink
• Weformandmaintainworkingmodelsaboutthedependabilityofothersandtheworthinessoftheselfintheemotionalcommunicationwithattachmentfigures
Thisemergesinstage2ofEFTwork
EFTmovescouplesfromnegativetopositivecyclesofinteraction
• Goal:helpcouplesdeescalatenegativepatternsandstructurenewinteractionsthatshapesecureattachment
• Movefromrepetitiveconstrictedcyclesto flexibleandattunedresponses
Thenegativecycle
W:Doyouloveme?(accusingtone)
H:OfcourseIdo.HowmanytimeshaveItoldyou?
W:Wellitdoesn’tfeellikeit(tears,turnsaway) H:(exasperated)Wellmaybeyouhaveaproblemthen. Ican’thelpitifyoudon’tfeelloved(Setmouth, lecturingtone) (continued)
Thenegativecycle(cont’d)
W:Right.Soit’smyproblemisit?Nothingtodowith yourthickwalls.You’reanemotionalcripple. You’veneverfeltarealemotioninyourlife!H:Irefusetotalkwithyouwhenyougetlikethis!So irrational.W:Right.Thisiswhatalwayshappens.Youputupa wall.ThenwhenyouwantsexyoudecideIamnot sobadafterall.H:There’sjustnopointtalkingtoyou.Thisisa shootinggallery.You’resoaggressive.
Thepositivecycle
W:Doyouloveme?(accusingtone)H:OfcourseIdo. W:Wellitdoesn’tfeellikeit(tearsupandturns away)H:Wait…honey…what’sup?Idon’tgetit…isit becauseIhavetobeawayagainnextweek?Ican’thelpthatIhavetoworksomuch.W:No,it’snotthat.Yousaidyouwould callaftermyappointment,andyoudidn’t. Andyoudidn’tevenaskmeaboutitwhen yougothome….
Thepositivecycle(cont’d)
H:Oh,no!…sowhenIdidn’tcallatnoon,andthen Ididn’taskyouaboutittonight,youfeltpretty badly(thinking)…likebefore,right?W:(Nods,moretears,thistimeturningtoward husbandforcomfort)H:Igetit…Igetit…canwesitdownnow?Ididget caughtupinthingstoday,butIreallydowantto knowwhathappened.Canyoutellmenow? Willyouletmemakethingsright?
Themarkerofapositivecycle
• Eachpersonisfreetoexpressemotionalneeds• Eachpersoncanrespondtotheother’sfears• Whenpartnersinasecurelyattachedrelationshipslipintoanegativecycletheycanidentifythattheymissedeachotherand
repair
Goodenoughresponding
1. Attunementfeelsgood/markedbypositiveaffect
2. Disruptionfeelsbad/markedbynegativeaffect.leadingtodisconnection
3. Repairisbridgebacktofeelinggoodandan opportunitytoemergeintothenew,positive feelings
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Neuroscience• Muchofourbrainrunsonautomaticity
• Theupsideisthatourhigherbraintakesalotofenergytorunsoitisefficienttohavemuchthatrunsoutsideofawareness
• Thedownsideisthatmuchofouremotionallivesfunctiononautomaticpilotandthisget usintotrouble
Neuroscience(cont’d):• Withautomaticityemotionscanoverrunourthoughts,ourleftbraincanbehijackedbymoreprimitiveresponses
• Doingthesameoldsameoldmakesthecyclemoreentrenchedanddoesn’tallowfornewexperiencesandnewemotionstoemergeortobenoticedwhentheyoccur
• Ourbrainsare“velcroforthebadandteflonforthegood”(Hanson)
Wearenotasindependentaswemightthink
• Weareconstantlyshapingaswellasbeingshapedbyourinteractions
ProtestPolkaExerciseWhenyou________________________________(specificconcretecue),Ido
notfeelsafelyconnectedtoyou.Itendtothen____________________(action
word).Idothiswiththehopethat____________________________________.
Whenitdoesn’twork,Idecidethat____________________________________
____________________________(namecatastrophic
conclusion).
IrealizethatthemoreI___________________________________
themoreyouseemto________________________________.Thenweare
moreandmorecutofffromeachother.
ProtestPolkaExercise(cont’d)
Whenthishappens,wecouldhelpeachotherby____________________________________________________.
Disconnectionsareinevitableinallrelationships
Neuroplasticity:thecapacitytocreatenewneuralconnections
• “Thepowertodirectourattentionhasthepowertoshapethebrain’spatternsaswellas…thearchitectureofthebrainitself”–DanSiegel,2010
• Therapycreatestheopportunityforchoicevs.automaticity
NeuroplasticityisPromoted
• focusedattention
• novelty
• emotionalarousal:thebrainis“litup”with newexperiencesassociatedwith pleasure/reward(dopaminerelease)
• newexperiencesmustberepeated
• ChangeinEFTcomesnot(only)fromareprocessingofinneremotionalexperience,butfromnewdialoguesthatariseasaresultofthisnewexperience. (Johnson,1996)
Thenegativecycleofinteraction
• Itistherarecouplewhocomestotreatmentidentifyingthedynamicsintheirrelationshipastheproblem
• Mostpartnerslocatetheproblemintheirpartner
• Itisourjobtoreframeaproblemsteepedinblameanddefinedasaproblematicperson (a“coldfish”ora“brickwall”)toarelationalproblemthatexistsbetweenthem
VideotapeExamples• Consultation• Canyoudiscovertheircycle?Whowithdraws,andwhopursues?
• Seeifyoucanfindoneormoreoftheseasyouwatch:thetrigger,thefeltresponse,themeaning,andtheactiontendency
CaseExample
• Howdidthetherapy: 2)Touchtheunderlyingemotions? 3)Helppartnerssharenewemotional experienceswitheachother?
OrganizingtheEFTResponse
• Theclientswillmovethroughaseriesofstagesandsteps
• Thetherapistswillusethemovesofthe“EFTTango”toencouragethisprogression
3 Stages and 9 Steps of the EFT Map
1. Alliance and Assessment
2. Tracking the Cycle
3. Accessing Emotions
4. Reframing
the Problem 6. See and Accept
7. Ask and
Bond
5. Own and
Share
9. Consolidate
8. New
Solutions
Stage 1 Cycle De-escalation
Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond
Stage 3: Consolidation
CopyrightbyHeleneIgwebuike
Overview: EFT• StageOne:Coupleslearntoidentifyandteamup
againsttheircycle(De-escalationr)
• StageTwo:Theylearntorecognizeandsharetheir
needsandfears;fromthisdeeperplacetheyreach
forandreceivetheirpartner(bondingevents)
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EFTstagesandsteps
• StageOne:De-escalation
1)Assessment 2)Identifynegativecycle/attachmentissues3)Accessunderlyingprimaryemotions 4)Frameproblemasthecycleandthe attachmentneeds/fears
EFTstagesandsteps(cont’d)
• StageTwo:Restructuringthebond
5)Accessprimaryneeds,fears,modelofself 6)Promoteacceptancebyother 7)Structureopenandresponsiveemotional engagementBondingeventsofwithdrawerre-engagementand pursuersoftening
EFTstagesandsteps(cont’d)
• StageThree:Consolidation
8)Newpositions/cycles–enactnewstoriesof problemsandrepair 9)Newsolutionstopragmaticissues
Whatpartdoyouplay?
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WhatpursuersdoPressure,complain,attack,pursue,protest,(anyresponseisbetterthannone)
WhatwithdrawersdoMoveaway,run,shutdown,freeze,spaceout,stayintheirheads,focusonfixing
Whatpursuerssay:I’mmorelonelythanwhenI'malone.Idon’tmatter.Myfeelingsgetdismissed.We’reroommates.Thereisnocloseness.Ismackhim,anythingtogetaresponse.I’mabandoned,left,deserted.
Whatwithdrawerssay:I’llnevermakeitwithher,can’tgetitright.I’mnogood,afailureandinadequate.Igointomyshell,behindmywall.Don’trocktheboat.IfIopenupitwillgetworse
ImportanttoUnderstand
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EmotionallyShuttingDown:
•Adaptivefordangerous/competitiveenvironmentsthatdemandcognitivefocusontasks
•Valuedbypeers,context
•Valuessuchastoughness,taskorientation,logic,fearlessness,confidence,andperseverancebecomemeasuresforsuccess
•.Easiertobeindependent
Protesting/Pursuing:
•Spendmoretimetalking=morepracticeatcommunicatingandexpressingfeelings
•Confrontingproblemsisreachingforconnection;oftenmoreattunedtorelationshipissues
•Easiertobedependent,partofteam-sharinglonging
•Moremotivationtogoforward-•Power/controlingoingforward
Thenegativecycle(cont’d)
• Weslowthemdown• Stayclosetotheirstoriesandtheirreactiveemotions
• Tracktheinternaldistressandtheexternalbehaviors
• Notethecue,therapidappraisal/perception,themeaningandtheactiontendency
• Wedothesameforthepartner• Putthemtogetherandthatgivesusthecycle
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Interviewingforthenegativecycle: CommonMistakes
• Whathappensifwelimitourinquirytotheirnegativedescriptionsofeachother?
• IfweelicitanegativedescriptionfromPartnerA,andthenelicitPartnerB’sresponsetothatnegativeportrayal,itwilloftensoundlikethis:
Negativecycle(cont’d):• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”
• Therapist,toMorgan:“SowhatdoyoufeelaboutwhatSandyissaying?”
• Morgan:“IcannevergetitrightwithSandy,I’malwaysinthedoghouse.”
• Sandy:“That’sright,I’mtheonetoblameforeverything!”(dissolvingintears)
Negativecycle(cont’d):
• Ifeitherspouseisstillinacriticalmodebeforetheirpartner’sresponseiselicited,thetherapistwillhaveunintentionallyactivatedthecycle
• Sometherapistswillconcludethatthecouple“isnotready”forcouplestherapy
NegativeCycle,Take2
• Ifwelookattheeffectofthenegativeemotionbeforecrossingovertothepartner,webegintoaddnewinformation
• Weaddcoherenceandclaritywithoutblame
• wearestartingtohelpthecoupleseetheircycleatanewlevel
Negativecycle,take2(cont’d):
• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”
• TherapisttoSandy:“HowdoyoufeelwhenyouhavethatexperiencethatMorganisnotpayingattentiontoyou?”(exploringtheemotionalimpactofherperceivedexperience)
Take2,(cont’d):
• Sandy:”IfeellikeIdon’tmatter,andIgetsoangry.”• Therapist(toSandy):“Andhowdoesthisfeelingunimportant,andyouranger,showitselftoyourpartner?”
• Sandy:“Ijustshakemyhead,andthenIsaysomethingbitingtohim.”
• Therapist(toMorgan):“WhenSandyshakestheirheadandsayssomethingbiting,whathappensinsideyou?”
Take2,(cont’d):
• Bygettingeachperson’sinternalexperienceandcrossingoverwiththeiractiontendency,criticismisreduced,theinternalexperiencesbegintoemerge,andthecycleisbeginningtocometolife
NegativeCycle,Take3
• InStage1webegintodistilltheunderlying emotionsofeachpartnerandhowitshapestheirinteraction
• ThisbeginstolaythegroundworkforStage2wheneachpersonwillsharetheirdeeperemotionswiththeirpartner
Take3,(cont’d):
• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”
• Therapist:“Howdoesthatfeelwhenyourexperienceisthatyourpartnerisnotpayingattentiontoyou?”
Take3,(cont’d):
• Sandy:”IfeellikeIdon’tmatter,andIgetsoangry.”
• Therapist:“Iunderstandyoufeelthatyoudon’tmatter,andyougetangry;canyouletmeinalittlemoretothatanger?”
• Sandy(softernow):”Ifeelsoalone,asifI’velosthim,andI’mfrightened.”
• Therapist:”SowhatMorganseesandhearsisyouranger,butunderneaththisisso
Take3(cont’d):
• painful,thatyoucouldlosethepersonyouwantsomuchinthisworld,thatyouareactuallyquitefrightened,amIgettingit?”
• Sandy:“Yes!”• Therapist(toMorgan):“MayIaskyouaboutthis?WhathappenswhenSandyletsyouintoherinnerworld,whenshetellsyouthatunderneaththisangershe’sfeelingsmall,soafraidthatshecouldloseyou?”
Identifyingemotionsthatfuelthecycle
• Whenpartnersdonotexperiencetheirrelationshipassecure,theemotions“leak”–buttheydoso“incode”
• Whataclientmaymeanisthat“Iammissingyouterriblyandneedyousomuchrightnow”;whattheymaysayis,“IknewIcouldn’tcountonyou,”or“fine,worklate,stayoutallnightforthatmatter,whywouldIcare?”
Identifyingunderlyingemotions
• Becausethesemessagesareincode,theyinadvertentlytriggerresponsesthatfurtheractivatethenegativecycle
• TheEFTtherapisthelpsthepartnersidentify,andthendeliver,thoseallimportantmessagesfreeofcode
Essentialgoalsindealingwithemotion
• Therapisthelpspartnersaccessprimaryemotionsthataretypicallyoutsideawarenessofeachpartner(rightbrain)
• Therapisthelpscoupleexpandtheirunderstandingoftheproblemasarecurringcycleinfluencedbyeachpartner’sattachmentneedsintherelationship(leftbrain)
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EFTInterventions
• Manyinterventionshelpaccessordeepenemotions
• Otherinterventionstrackcurrentpatternsandchoreographnewstepsofattunementinthecouplesrelationship
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Empathicreflection
• Beinclient’sexperience• Trackandreflectthepoignantemotion• Directandfocusattentioninward• Conveyunderstanding• Alsoservestohitthepausebuttonandallowtherapisttolistentoherexperienceofclient
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Validate/normalize• Affirm - entitled to experience – nothing wrong with
it or with you
• Validate secondary emotion, need to protect self
• Differentiate experience from other’s intentions
• Antidote to anxiety and insecurity
• Validation is mutual gift that enables the therapist to try on client’s world and get alongside him/her
64
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Heighten
• Highlightingandintensifyingparticularresponses
• Repeat,re-enact,useimagery
• Bringsaparticularresponsefromthebackgroundintotheforegroundinordertoreorganizeexperienceandinteraction
65
To heighten emotional experience
• Repeat • Images - use • Simple words • Slow pace • Soft voice • Client’s words
• What if we added another S? “Show yourself”
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Empathicconjecture
• Interpretations,inferences,disquisitions
• Guidedbythetherapist’sunderstandingofattachmentconcerns
• Offeredtentatively
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Thesourceofconjectures
• Arisesfromtherapist’sempathicimmersionintheclient’sexperience
• Guidedbyattachmenttheory
• Basedontherapist’sknowledgeofattachmentprocessesincouple’srelationship
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Thereframe
• Understandingtheimplicit“connection-seekingintent”inthedestructivebehaviorsofthenegativecycleenablesthetherapisttoseetheirdistressthroughtheattachmentlens
• Thenegativecycleisrigidlymaintainedbyeachpartner’swayofmanagingthedisconnection,whilesearchingforconnectionandcloseness
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Enactments
• InEFTclientshaveanewexperienceoftheirrelationshiprighthere,rightnowinthetherapyroom
• Therapistschoreographachangeeventbyaskingclienttomakecontactwiththepartner,andthenprocesstheexperience
Enactments(cont’d)• Bridgetheinnerworldofexperienceandtheouterworldofinteraction
• Createmomentsofemotionallysignificantinteraction
• Turnnewemotionalexperiencesintoanewresponsetothepartner
• Solidifyordeepenanewemotionalawareness
Whydoenactments?
• Toheightenemotion
• peopleexperiencetheiremotionwithgreaterintensitywhentheylookandspeakdirectlytotheirpartner
• Topromotesupportandcomfortoftheother
• Tofacilitatedirectexpressionofneeds
• Tocreateabondingevent
Enactments
• Arebestwhenthey:areusedthroughouttreatment;usetheliveemotionintheroom;areframedasasmallandsimpledirect requests
Processeachpartner’sexperience
• Whatwasitliketosharethiswithyourpartner?“Whatwasitliketolookintohiseyesandtellhim howscaredyouwere?”
• Whatwasitliketohearthisfromyourpartner?“Canyoutellherthatyouneverunderstoodshe wasafraid?”
• Validatereactions,facilitateacceptance,consolidatenewexperience
Challengeswithenactments
• Theymakeclientsanxious“Shejustheardmesaythattoyou”; “thereisnopoint”;“Icantellyou,butIcouldnevertellhim”
• TheymaketherapistsanxiousItseems“hokey” Itcanfeellikelosingcontrolofthesession Itcouldblowup
Whathelpsthetherapist“taketheleap”?
• Rememberthatclientsareonestepclosertowardhealingbyconfrontingtheirfearsvs.avoidingthem
• Clientswillnolongerbealone,ifpartnerisnotreadytorespond,thetherapistwill
• Therearenofailedenactments;partnerscaneitherberesponsivetoeachotherorweidentifytheblockandprocesstheblock
Watchthistapeinteams
• Seeifyoucanidentifythecycle
• Whatarethetriggersforeachclient?
• Canyoubegintosuggestpossibleemotions,meanings,andactiontendenciesforeachclient?
RolePlay
• Roleplayandseeifyoucaninterviewforthenegativecycleofinteraction
• Seeifyoucangettheactiontendency
• Reflectandvalidatethesecondaryemotions
• Touchtheprimaryfeelings
Aquickreview…
• Thelossofsecureemotionalconnectionisthecoreproblemindistressedrelationships
• Distresssignalsaresent,buttheyareincode,fosteringnegativecyclesofinteractionthatreflectandperpetuatethedistance
• Thesepatternsexacerbateasenseofisolationandvulnerabilityineachpartner
Review(cont’d)
• EFThelpspartnersseetheircycleanddecodetheirmessages
• Newbondingexperiencestransformtherelationshipassecure
• Partnerswhoareabletoreachforandconnectwitheachothercreateahealthyinterdependencythatfostersautonomy
Onapersonalnote…
“There’ssomethingdifferentaboutEFT…I’mnotjustthinkingaboutmycases;it’sme,andmymarriage,andthepartsofitthatarenotperfectthatcometomind.”
--anEFTtrainee
Suggestedreadings
• BecominganEmotionallyFocusedCoupleTherapist:TheWorkbook(2005),S.M.Johnson,B.Bradley,J.Furrow,A.Lee,G.Palmer,D.Tilley&S.Woolley
• HoldMeTight:SevenConversationsforaLifetimeOfLove(2008),SusanM.Johnson
• AttachmentTheoryinPractice,EFTwithIndividuals,Couples,andFamilies(2019),SusanM.Johnson
Elana Katz, LCSW Certified EFT Supervisor and Trainer Senior Faculty, Ackerman Institute 936 Broadway, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10010 212-879-4900, x112
mailto:[email protected]://www.iceeft.com/