Modern Family: The MusicalWritten and Directed By:Tyler Shaw9/23/2013This is a fan written musical NOT based on ABCs hit TV series Modern Family! Because of this, wed greatly appreciate if we dont get sued. This fan written musical is purely written and performed for shear enjoyment!

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Modern Family: The MusicalWritten and Directed By:

Tyler Shaw9/23/2013

This is a Fan Written Musical is NOT Based on ABCs Hit TV Show Modern Family! Because of this, wed greatly appreciate if we dont get sued. This fan written musical is purely written and performed for sheer enjoyment

Cast of CharactersJay PritchettGloria Delgado-PritchettCameron TuckerMitchell PritchettClaire DunphyPhil DunphyHailey DunphyDylanAlex DunphyLuke DunphyLily Tucker-PritchettManny Delgado-Pritchett MichelleRobertScience Fair JudgeMrs. CrawfordAlexandriaBossCharlie BinghamClassmate #1Classmate #2Classmate #3Ensemble

Act 1Song 1: Modern Family Theme Song HEY, HEY (pause) HEY, HEY (pause) HEY, HEY (pause) HEY, HEY, HEY!Act 1: Scene 1 - Act 1: Scene 1 Jay and Glorias HouseholdGloriaManny, did you eat your breakfast?MannyYes Mom!JayHoney, I cant decide which tie to wear. What do you think says Sorry that my son didnt join your business more? Gloria(Gloria points to the right tie) That one! Now, Lets Go Jay; we are going to be late for Mannys um, um, umMannySchoolGloriaYes, School, we are going to be late for Mannys school.MannyLets go Jay! JayOkay, Okay Im coming (To Gloria) But, I have a golf appointment at 10.GloriaOkay, just get in the carIn CarGloriaManny, are you excited for your school?MannyYeahJayHeres some advice sport, dont get in peoples way. Itll ruin your reputation, and dont embarrass yourselfManny(Pulls out Diary to write advice)What do you mean embarrass myself?JayOhAt SchoolGloriaAlright Manny, I love you! Make new friends, learn something newMannyBye Mom, Bye Jay, Love you!GloriaYou need to be more encouraging to himInterviewJayGloria keeps saying I dont do enough fathers, son things with Manny. GloriaBecause you dontEndJayAlright, I have a golf match with Charlie Bingham at 1:00, so Ill need you to take Manny. GloriaWell, guess what Jay! I have to go to Mannys Class at 10 and then go to the spa at noon. JayGloria, you went just last week, I havent played golf with this guy since Mitchell turned him down. Why do you need to go EVERY single week! GloriaTo look BEAUTIFUL! Dont you know me? JayOkay, Ill make a deal with you; you go to the spa place at noon and then go pick up Manny at 2:30GloriaWell, why do you need to play golf? JayGloria, this is Charlie Bingham Im playing with, Mitchell turned down his law firm business and hes probably gonna whine about it. GloriaUgh Fine! But, when the boys at the mall wonder where the beauty is, YOUR FAULT!!InterviewGloriaHi, Im Gloria! I come from Columbia, and my son is Manny! He is the sweetest, most romantic person yet! He writes poems for fun! EndMrs. CrawfordOkay, everybody we have a guest reader here with us today. Here is Mannys mother!MannyOh no!GloriaOkay, everybody, my name is Gloria, but you can call me Mrs. Pritchett or Mannys mother. Classmate #1Can we call you hot lady?GloriaDISRESPECT! What book shall I read today, class? Classmate #2Try The Spanish lady who couldGloriaOh, Ive never heard of that story? Which is why I brought my own, it is called Arroz con leche. Sing along if you know the wordsSong 4: Arroz Con lecheGloriaARROZ CON LECHEME QUIERO CASARCON UNA SENORITA QUE SEPA BAILAR

QUE SEPA COSERQUE SEPA PLANCHARQUE SEPA ABRIR LA PUERTA. PARA IR A JUGAR.

CON ESTASI CON ESTA NO, CON ESTA SENORITA ME CASA YO!

Mrs. CrawfordThank you so much Mrs. Pritchett! Alright, everyone pull out your homework. It should all be completed yesterday. Please make sure that your paper has YOUR name on it.(Class Moans, Manny ready to go, Luke raises his hand)LukeLets just say, and this is not a real situation, but lets just say I did not get my homework done, could I, I mean someone copy the answerMrs. CrawfordLuke, could this someone possibly be youLukeAre you accusing me of something that I did not do? On a side note, what is the answer to number one? Im just curious to see what you got? MannyAye, aye, aye!Mrs. CrawfordWhat is the answer to number 1?Manny7 2/4 Mrs. CrawfordCorrect, Manny! But, next time dont shout out!Manny Sorry, I couldnt help myself. Homework is too exciting, along with poetry. Mrs. CrawfordWhat is the answer to number 2?Manny26!Mrs. CrawfordMANNY! That is incorrect. Manny (quietly to himself) What? How Could I get one wrong? I checked it.To ClassMannyExcuse me, Mrs. Crawford. Mrs. CrawfordWHAI mean yes Manny.MannyI believe that on number two, 26 is correct.Mrs. CrawfordActually, Manny that was the wrong answer. Im sorry, but 54 divided by 2 is 27, not 26.MannyOh, I see.Class LaughsMrs. CrawfordIts okay, we all make silly mistakes. Now we are going to move on to roman numerals. What is this Roman numeral?Draws a 1 in Roman NumeralsClassmate #2That would be a one.Mrs. CrawfordPrecisely! Now the important thing to remember about Roman Numerals is(Bell Rings, All students grab their things and head out of the classroom, except for Manny)Mrs. CrawfordOkay! Well finish this up tomorrow and dont forget about the homework!MannyMrs. Crawford? Mrs. CrawfordYes Manny?MannyI just wanted to say how sorry I am about missing the homework question. I promise from now until the end of 6th grade, I will have my family look it over 3 times. And there is this really smart girl in my family, No more messing up.Mrs. CrawfordManny, thats not really necessary; its okay to get questions wrong.MannyOh its necessary, and it is NOT okay! NOT okay! Bye Mrs. Crawford. (Manny exits, Blackout, Set changes to outside the school)Classmate #2Ooh, look Im Manny! Uh, yeah Mrs. Crawford the answer is 26! Classmate #3(Impersonating Mrs. Crawford) Excuse me Manny, but that is the wrong answer IDIOT!Classmate #2Oh no, Im gonna cry! Wah, wah, wah! Mommy, mommy (Back to normal self again) Give me a break. MannyGuys, stop, okay I got ONE question wrong! Bad for me, but compared to you, well youd be happy if you ONLY got one question wrong. Classmate #1Whatd you say you little twerp? I got my eye on you. Now, you listen to me, you better shut your mouth or Ill SHUT IT FOR YOU! (Jay appears in his car to pick Manny up)JayHey, you, GO TO HELL!!Classmate #2You want to go old man!JayHey! What you dont know, well you dont know a lot of things, but ONE THING you dont know is that I have a Black belt in Karate and can kick your ass! Classmate #3Lets Scram! JayYeah, thats right! Run to your mommys! Lets go Manny(Manny gets into the car)Manny Wow Jay! Thanks for helping me there! Youre the best!InterviewJayEh, I rescheduled my golf appointment until later. So, I helped him out! Sue me, isnt that what a fathers supposed to do?End

Act 1: Scene 3 Costco CameronMitchell, look what I found it is absolutely fabulous, maybe Lily could wear it to your parents house tonight, what do you think?MitchellWow, thats something!InterviewMitchellCam has this hobby of when he gets his mind set on something. He is going to do it. I dont know how to break it to him that I dont like the dress.EndMitchellYou know, Cam maybe she could wear it to next dinner or something. I would like Lily to process the dress first, would that be okay?CameronYeah, sure.InterviewCameronWhy does he always do that? Its not like he has better taste then me, Right?EndMitchellOh my god Cam, look what I found, we can have Lily wear this tonight. CameronI think she needs to process the dress first.(Cameron and Mitchell a You want to play this game look)MitchellCam?CameronWhat? Okay super honest time, it needs pizzazz, like this one. MitchellPlease? Uh, No! She needs this one. CameronThats it! Lily which one do you like better?LilyOh dear! Not this again! MitchellLilyCameronLilyLilyI like the one with PizazzCameronHa! Lily you made the right decision! MitchellUgh, Whatever. Okay, so we need diapers, olive oil, mustard, and ketchupLilyAnd a bookMitchellAnd a book for LilyCameronOkay, Ill get the diapers, book, and Ill take Lily. MitchellAnd Ill take the olive oil, mustard, ketchupCameronLets Go! Come on Lily!LilyDo all daddies do this? CameronNo they dont Lily. Its totally fine!Mitchell and Cam meet back up with all of their stuff.MitchellReady?CameronReady!Race to check out laneCameronHiAlexandraHiCameronWere going to her grandparents houseAlexandraCool.CameronHow are you today?AlexandraFineFinish checking outCameronThat girl had such an attitude; I did not like that girls tone. I want to file a complaint against the manager for the attitude and tone to their customers. Manager? MANAGER?!MitchellCam, please dont, just stop! Shes probably had a long day. CameronCould she have at least told me that or talked to me about it. MitchellNot all people like to do that.CameronWell some do.(Blackout)Act 1: Scene 4 Dunphy HouseholdClaireHey Phil! What is this pair of pink underwear doing here, on the couch?PhilNobodys, I dont see any underwear. Maybe you were imagining it, huh?Phil snatches the underwearClaireWell it is rightI just saw it, maybe Im crazy.PhilMaybeClaireWait a minuteHoney, is that yours?PhilHahaNope! Not at all.InterviewPhilTo be honest, its not really mine! What man would wear pink underwear? Well actually I do, but its in the dresser. Anyway, I had a party last night when Claire was gone and somebody brought a hooker. EndClaire Phil, will you go pick the kids up from school? Im meeting with a neighbor and Im trying to be a good neighborPhil FineClaireI have to get her to like me PhilNot everyone has to like youClare Stares at himPhilAlright, Fine people can like youInterviewClaire I have an issue where everyone in the world has to like me! Is that really too much to ask? Because if one person doesnt like me, then I fear, No, I KNOW that he or she will tell others that I am not a likeable person. Then, my whole life turns upside down, and then Ill be in my retirement home and theyll all be like, Your husband barely loves you? I dont want to end up like that. PhilHey, youre starting to sound like those Direct TV commercials.EndClaireCan you just, do it? Phil Fine, Ill pick up the kids. What school do they go to again?ClaireUgh... (Starts to leave)PhilIm kidding, Im totally kidding! But, seriously can you just test me just to make sure that I know, maybe? InterviewPhilI may have a bit of trouble remembering things.ClaireHe forgot my birthday last weekPhilI said I was sorryEndClaireOkay, I need to bake a cake, pour some wine, and clean the house. Phil, come here in the kitchen.PhilYes, mlady! How can I be of assist to you? ClaireFor starters, you can stop using that voice. Go fix that weird step on the stairs. PhilOn it! I already have my tools. Phil walks to the stairs, which is offstagePhil (offstage)OWWI mean ows it going Claire? Still good, great!ClaireHes crazy, but I love him. Phil (offstage) Love you too!ClaireOkay, PHIL WHERE DID YOU PUT THE CAKE?Phil (offstage)SECOND CABINET CLOSEST TO ME!Claire (under her breath)Thanks!Phil (offstage)WHAT?!(Blackout)Act 1: Scene 5 Golf CourseInterviewJayI had a golf appointment with an old friend of mine and as you know, I rescheduled to pick up Manny from school. He invited Mitchell to be a part of a business. Mitchell said No. Now Mitchell, Charlie, and I all kind of have a Love hate relationship. Except ours is a bit different, we all hate each other inside, but on the outside we act like we love each other. Why do you think were playing golf? Cause were friends, Please No.EndCharlieJay, hows old Manny doing? Doing well? JayYeah, hes doing well, you? CharlieIm doing well myself, along with my business that I started. You know the one that I asked Mitchell to be in, but he rejected it. JayYeah, well. CharlieWell, the past is behind us. Even though I still work longer, because I dont have Mitchell as my second man, but you know whatever? Jay (sheepish smile) Yeah! Well I think it is my shot.CharlieGo ahead JayJayLine it up; take a few practice swings, and BAM! Look at that accuracy.CharlieLets see if I can do better. JayAlright, want to wager anything on this. CharlieWhoever gets closer, which will be me, the loser, which will be you, buys the winner a beer? JayYou got yourself a deal. However, Charlie it will be me who will be earning the free beer paid by the loser which will be you. And I would like a scotch.CharlieDont get so cocky Jay! Line it up; take a few practice swings, and BAM! Now, that accuracy Id pay to see. JaySon of aBeer Cart ManWould you like any beer sir? CharlieRight on time, I will take one bottle of Bud Light please? Beer Cart ManThatll be $4!JayMake it a doubleBeer Cart ManOkay, $8 pleaseJayThere you go $8 exactlyBeer Cart ManGreat, sir and here are your beers. Did you lose a bet or something? JayShut Up! CharlieThanks for the beers man! Have a nice day!Beer Cart ManYou tooCharlieJay, you shouldve told him about the bet. JayEh, shut up, lets move. Next holeAct 1: Scene 6 Real Estate OfficeBossHello there! How can I help you? Okay would you like to speak to any specific realtor? Okay, Ill put you on with Phil Dunphy. Okay great, have a nice day too! (Hangs up the phone). Oh the life of a realtor manager. One will never know. PhilOkay! I can make an appointment to get you that slot time for viewing the house, sounds great! Okay, let me just ensure your appointment on my calendar andOh no, whats wrong? Well do you want me to come and pick up the groceries for you? As long as you dont need too manOkay? Yeah sure, Ill go ahead and make note of that. Get Cheryls very long grocery list and go shopping. Yeah, I can do that. Hey, hows Tommy? Is he doing well? Great, glad to hear it. Okay, see you later, Bye! God! Seriously Phil, come on! Dont lose your cool Phil, you can do this, you can get her groceries, No Problemo! InterviewPhilPeople here value me as one of the more fun workers. They know my hip lingo, HEY WORD DAWG (Does hang ten sign)!EndPhilHey Boss! Hows it goin Dawg?BossGood Phil! Sell any houses yet?PhilI dont know, ONLY 3!BossGreat Job Phil! Im proud of you. How does that add up for your total commission? PhilJust a couple of bucks, like $47,400, sold one at $200,000, one at $300,000, and one at $240,000BossYoure at all star level! Three houses in one day Wow! Unbelievable!(Boss Leaves, Phil Shrugs)Act 1: Scene 7 Haleys CollegeHaleyOkay, but that was the last time, okay? I mean itDylanCome on baby, this doesnt have to be the last time. HaleyNo, really I mean it. (Sarcastically) Oh shoot, Im missing class. (Dylan tickles Haley, she laughs then scoots away)DylanHey, who cares? HaleyYeah, youre probably right. My attendance is PRETTY goodFlip to ClassroomMrs. CratlerHaley DunphyHaley Dunphy? HALEY? Where is she? This is her 24th time not here. NOT good. Where is she?Flip back to Haleys dormInterviewDylanDo you think Im the reason that Haleys been getting such bad grades? No, I dont think so. EndAlex, Luke, Phil, and Claire enterAlex, Luke, Phil, and ClaireSURPRISE!!HaleyOh my god! What are you guys doing here? LukeWere you having sex? ClaireLuke, dont ask that, we came to visit you, were you?HaleyOkay, well Im kind of busy so if you could maybe leave, you know I heard theres a great campus restaurant in this building in fact. Dad, its got a great steak and Alex it has great fish and meat for Luke. Mom, theres also a great salad bar.AlexWe actually came to spend a good time with you!ClaireYeah HoneyPhilSweety, do you not what your dad who can make everyone LOL in 5 seconds. Seriously lets try it. HaleyYour right dad! You are so right! Why dont you all go see if that is true and Ill stay here to guard the dorm?InterviewHaleyTruth is, I dont want them here. Dylan and I were going to see if I was pregnant! I dont think that this would be the right time, plus we just want to be alone while we find out. DylanTotally, I could be my dad someday!EndClaireYou know what; okay we will get out of your way. Bye, see you later! Love you!AlexWhats the restaurant called? HaleyGourmet and all, enjoy! Love you, Bye!PhilSee you later home dog!DylanSee you later Mr. D!Everybody says Bye and walks offstageHaleyOkay, lets find out!DylanI just want you to know that whatever happens, you were great during you know whatHaleyThanks! 123, Im PREGNANT! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Were going to have a baby!DylanIm gonna be my dad(Haley and Dylan share a long kiss followed by a continued hug)HaleyI love you!DylanI love you! Haley Dunphy, Will you marry me? Haley Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, YES!!!(Phil, Claire, Alex, and Luke Enter)HaleyOh my gosh, umYou finished with lunch already? DylanYeah, I thought you guys were going to lunchPhil We did! We grabbed it to-goClaire and Luke hold up to-go bagsHaleyOh I seeClaireYeah, we got to get back and get ready and do stuff at the house before dinner tonight. Which reminds me, Phil did you fix the step?PhilYeah, we got to get home; will we see you at dinner?HaleyYeah, and I invited Dylan are you guys okay with it?PhilYeah, of course, Id love to see my homie at dinnerDylanWhatever you say Mr. D! Bye!Phil, Claire, Luke, AlexBye! DylanWhy didnt you tell them? HaleyIll tell them at dinner, just remember Ill tell themDylanOkay! Embrace the fact, dont hide it!HaleyI love you!

InterviewHaleyTo be honest, Im really nervous about telling my mom! Im not scared about Dad, Gloria, Grandpa, Manny, Alex, or Luke. If anything they will be cool with it. Mom might freak, I just got to be prepared.EndAct 1: Scene 8 Tucker-Pritchett HouseholdCameronHey Alex and Luke! Thank you so much for doing this! LukeNo problem! Whoa, whats that? MitchellOh Luke, please dont touch that. (Luke reaches to touch it)AlexLuke! I got him MitchellOkay, well we really appreciate you doing this! Thank you so much!CameronYeah, thank you so much! We are off to get a snack with Pepper; we will be back around 3:30, then you can get ready for dinner tonight. Bye Lily, Love you!LilyLove you too! (Door closes) Do you guys want to play dolls with me? LukeI dont really know how to play, Alex? AlexOh fine! Luke, tell me what this book is about.LukeWhy? AlexJust do it!LukeOkay, fine! (Reading back of book) To Kill a Mockingbirdis primarily a novel about growing up under extraordinary circumstances in the 1930s in the Southern United States. The story covers a span of three years, during which the main characters undergo significant changes. Scout Finch lives with her brother Jem and their father Atticus in the fictitious town of Maycomb, Alabama. Maycomb is a small, close-knit town, and every family has its social station depending on where they live, who their parents are, and how long their ancestors have lived in Maycomb.AlexLuke, how did you knoWait a minute, Luke grab my homework LukeOkay? AlexNow, solve questions 1-5 on a separate sheet of paper, DO NOT USE THE PAPER THAT IVE ALREADY WROTE ON! Check both sidesLukeOkay (works for a while before finishing), #1 is 87, #2 is 69, #3 is 820.63, #4 is 99.12, and #5 is 786AlexYep, thats the Luke I know. Those answers are all way off. LukeDangit! I worked so hard on this!LilyAlex, Dolls, Now!AlexExcuse me Lily, but you dont talk to me like thatLukeI see a cat fight coming onAlexLily, you need to say please, if you want to have manners.LilyFine! Alex please play with my dollsAlexGoodLilyNow!AlexNot goodLilyWhat? You said it was goodAlexSay this: Alex, please play with my dolls with meLilyThisAlexUghh Say Alex, can you please play dolls with me, Try to outsmart me nowLilyAlright, fine you got me, Alex; can you please play dolls with me?AlexSure! Ooh, whats this dolls personality? What school is she enrolled in? Is it more of an Ivy League school or more of a private school or public school; is she even in school, what about her grades, high or low? LilyShe likes shoppingLukeCool! Do any of them like soccer? LilyThis one likes baseball and soccerLukeGuess what Lily? I heard that she scored 3 goals on her last soccer game, thats called a Hat trick.LilyReally? (To doll) Wow! Im so proud of you! AlexBut this one spent a lot of money on clothesLilyDaphne, How could you? Alex, will you give her a punishment please? AlexSure I willLilyLuke, will you give this one a punishment please?LukeSure Lily!LilyIll talk to this oneLukeIt looks like they are all in troubleLily and AlexYup!(They are all talking firm to the dolls, Lily is taking it seriously, Alex is checking out the doll while talking to it, and Luke is confused. Cameron and Mitchell enter)LilyLets put the shirt on that has the most pizzazz! But, lets put the pants on that she can play in!(Cameron and Mitchell look at each other)Cameron and MitchellAwwAlexOh, youre back! Time went by so fast! We had so much fun!CameronHow much do we owe you? LukeSave your money, it was funCameronAwwLukeWell, bye Lily! Remember to watch the doll to make sure she doesnt change her clothes again!AlexYeah, Bye! See you tonight!LukeToo bad Haley werent hereAlexYeah, too badLukeso I could play with Dylan!AlexOh, Luke!PhilSo, how was babysitting?Alex and LukeGreat!(Alex and Luke exit offstage, Phone rings)CameronHello! GloriaCameron, me habra cuidado nios para usted, pero yo tena una cita con los mdicos muy importante, as que lo siento que he perdido niera Lily. Honestamente, me hubiera gustado, pero yo no poda tener a causa de mi importante uh nombramiento de los mdicosCameronGloria, weve been over this before, me no speak SpanishGloria What do you want me to do about it? CameronTranslateGloriaCameron, I would have babysat for you, but I had a very important doctors appointment, so sorry that I have missed babysitting Lily. Honestly, I really would've liked to, but I just couldn't have because of my important uh doctors appointmentCameronMuch Better, much betterGloriaOkay, see you tonight and tell Lily I said hiCameronOh I will(Hangs up)LilyWho was it daddy?Cameron That was Gloria, she told me to tell you HiLilyHi Gloria!(Kisses Cameron on the cheek, Mitchell gestures to his cheek, Lily thinks for a while and kisses Mitchells cheek as well)Act 2Act 2: Scene 1 Jay and Glorias HouseholdGloriaManny, did you like my surprise?MannyMom, I wish you would have warned me.GloriaManny!(Manny runs up to his room, Jay following him at a normal pace)JayOh great! Kid, did you follow my instructions or did you not?MannyI triedJayAnd is that what youre upset about?MannyNoJayThen what are you upset about?InterviewJaySometimes, Manny can be a little overdramatic; (sarcastically) I know what youre thinking He doesnt seem like that kind of kidEndMannyMom came into read a story todayJayOh god!InterviewJayBut, this, THIS I can understand! End(Gloria enters the room)GloriaKnock, knock, Can I help? MannyPlease, havent you done enough helping?GloriaManny, I thought it would be a good surpriseMannyDid you not consider my feelings at all? Did you not consider how classmates now treat me? Did you consider anything? GloriaTreated you? You should have seen how they treated me!JayWhatd they do?GloriaOne kid called me hot lady! MannySERIOUSLY?! Do you care about me anymore? The parents only came to read to the class when we were in first grade. This is Middle School!GloriaI thought you loved me!(Gloria storms out of the room, crying. Manny feels upset)MannyMom, wait no! I do love you, its justits just complicated.Gloria Youre just saying that so I wont cry and maybe embarrass you.MannyMom, I wrote this one poem, it goes like this, Song 10: Moms Poem (Could Be Spoken)YOU ARE THE SUNLIGHT IN MY DAY, YOU ARE THE MOON I SEE FAR AWAY. YOU ARE THE TREE I LEAN UPON; YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MAKES TROUBLES BE GONE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME LIFE, HOW NOT TO FIGHT, AND WHAT IS RIGHT. YOU ARE THE WORDS INSIDE MY SONG; YOU ARE MY LOVE, MY LIFE, MY MOM. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CARES FOR ME; YOU ARE THE EYES THAT HELP ME SEE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KNOWS ME BEST, WHEN ITS TIME TO HAVE FUN AND TIME TO REST. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS HELPED ME TO DREAM, YOU HEAR MY HEART AND YOU HEAR MY SCREAMS. AFRAID OF LIFE BUT LOOKING FOR LOVE, IM BLESSED FOR GOD SENT YOU FROM ABOVE. YOU ARE MY FRIEND, MY HEART, AND MY SOUL, YOU ARE THE GREATEST FRIEND I KNOW. YOU ARE THE WORDS INSIDE MY SONG; YOU ARE MY LOVE, MY LIFE, MY MOM! MannyI love you mom! GloriaMuy bonito!(Gloria goes in for the kiss, Manny accepts and they kiss)InterviewJaySometimes, Gloria can speak a whole bunch of Spanish crap I dont know about. So, I ask for the translation, and I get a response like Im supposed to know what it means, Hello? Thats why I asked for the translationEndJayUh, Gloria what does that mean? Just curiousMannyJay, it means very nice!GloriaPerfecto! JayI know what that means, Perfect! GloriaManny, I know that you love me! I guess I just overacted a teensy bit, I love you!MannyI love you more!GloriaNo, I love you more!Manny No I love you more!JayIm getting some scotchGloriaOkay Jay!(Jay leaves offstage to get scotch)GloriaManny that was the most beautiful thing I ever heard! Save me a copy when you are famous. Act 2: Scene 2 The Car ride to Dylans ParentsDylanAre you going to tell them tonight? HaleyYes, of course Im going to tell them! Dylan, where are you going?DylanTo a diner that my parents really like, I figured since we will have dinner with your family, we could have lunch with mine.HaleyOkay, should we both tell them?DylanSure at the exact same time. Theyll probably be cool with it. HaleyGreat! I guess itll be easy practice before getting to my stressed out parents.DylanWell, your dad thinks Im cool! So HaleyI was mainly talking about my momDylanOhHaleyYeah, Oh! Honestly, I do not know how Ill break it to my mom! DylanMaybe, when she goes to use the bathroom, you tell everybody as soon as she is gone, so that they can congratulate us on marriage and a baby. And then nobody will tell her.HaleyNow, that I think about it, my dad and grandpa will probably back me up. Gloria might back me up, and Luke will only ask when Ill be fat. DylanWellHaleyWell, what? DylanWell, its just you dont know how well they will handle the whole pregnancy thing, because we are the oldest out of the kids, so you never know.HaleyTechnically, were not kids anymore, so thatll be a good argument against mom.DylanTrueHaleyOkay, are we here yet? DylanAlmostHaleyOkay, lets practice, 123Haley and DylanWERE PREGNANT!!!DylanSounds Great!HaleyYeah!InterviewHaleyDo I tell him that it sounds like he is pregnant, when we say WERE pregnant, whatever, its his parents.EndDylanOkay, were here! Are you ready?HaleyYup! Ready little one(Haley pats her stomach gently as there is a pause of silence followed)DylanHe didnt say anythingHaleyIts a good thing youre cute!DylanLets do this!(Exit Car)(Blackout)Act 2: Scene 3 DinerDylanHello mom, dad!MichelleIts great to see you again son! HaleyIts great to see youRobert Haley, great to see you!DylanMom and dad, we have some big news!Michelle and RobertWhat is it?(Haley and Dylan look at each other)HaleyWell, Dylan proposed to me and I said yes! DylanAlso, we just found out that we are pregnant!RobertI remember when I was pregnant!MichelleYes, our pregnancy was all worth whileInterviewHaley(Drops her jaw) Are you kidding me?End HaleyWe are so excited to be planning our wedding; we will send you the invitation as soon as we create it. DylanYeah! MichelleI can see it now! Haley in the hospital doing those horrible contractions, oh remember how horrible those contractions were honey?RobertOh my gosh, they were the worst. MichelleHaley will be in so much pain; oh I can see it now. Cant you see it honey?RobertOh yes I see it.HaleyGreat! Thanks for the advice!MichelleYou know it girl!Robert Anything for our new daughter in law! How do you like that title?HaleyIts great! Yeah, thats fine!MichelleOh, what are you going to name it?RobertYeah, tell us! Haley We dont know, we just found out and then we drove over here to see you guys, and then to see my family.MichelleOh Haley! We are your family now!(Creepy smiles everywhere)Everybody (eating @ the restaurant)Forever, Forever, etc. HaleyOkay! I think we should get going right Dylan?MichelleDont be ridiculous where are you going with our son? HaleyWe need to get ready for our parents dinner tonight; we are going to tell them about the marriage and pregnancyRobertSo, we were the first to know?HaleyYup! But, my parents are still going to know!Michelle and Robert cheerHaleyOkay, lets go Dylan!Dylan Okay! Bye mom! Bye dad!Michelle and RobertBye son! We love you!Act 2: Scene 4 Dunphy HouseholdClaireAlex, are you getting ready? AlexYes Mom!ClairePhil, Honey go check on Luke, hes been in his room for 45 minutes and hasnt come out.PhilSure thing Sweet thang!ClairePhiljust do it! PhilOkay. (Phil starts walking up to Lukes room, on the broken step he says) Got to FIADMIRE that step for all of the work I had done. (Walks up to Lukes room, knocks on his door) Buddy, can I come in? LukeYeah, sure!Phil LukeWhy have you not got dressed yet? LukeSorryerI got a little sidetracked andIDont tell mom!InterviewLukeTruth is, I was texting to this girl and Im really into her, so what my best friend has been dating since 5th gradeEndPhilI wont tell mom, but sooner rather than later you gotta know who the boss is?LukeMom?PhilNo, Lukeer, its complicated. LukeWhat?PhilForget it!LukeWhy are you in here anyway? PhilTo get you to work on getting ready for dinner, and who were you talking to anyway? LukeWhat? I wasnt talking to anyonePhilLuke Come on! You can tell me anything dawg! Does Luke have a crush? LukeOk, Ok Its this girl in my class and her name is Sheila, were Chemistry Partners in Room 305PhilInvite her to dinner tonight, well show her a good time! LukeIts Mom Im worried about! PhilRight Sorry to interrupt on your conversation buddy, but you got to get ready!LukeCan you just leave me alone dad? InterviewPhilLuke is at an age where something is usually up all the time and where hes getting interested in girls. I remember my first girlfriend Trish, why did I ever like her?EndPhilFine little buddy! Were leaving in 30 minutes!LukeOkay!(Phil Exits Offstage out of Lukes Room) (Phil Knocks)PhilBuddy Get dressed okay?LukeYeah, sorry dad! Act 2: Scene 5 Pritchett HouseholdGloriaManny!MannyYes! GloriaDo you have a poem for tonights dinner? Jay(Reading the Newspaper) I do! Roses are red, Violets are blue, I dont want this, and neither do you. GloriaJayMannyI have one mom! Its an original and its good, JAY!!!Jay(Sarcastically) Hey I put heart and soul into that poem MannyStop Jay, just noGloriaI think its sweet that Manny writes poems for occasions! Jay, clean off the table!InterviewJayManny has been writing a lot of poems recently, like just recently he wrote a poem for the car backing out of the garage and going to school. EndJayAlright, honey! (Jay Cleans off the table, Gloria is cooking, Manny is writing)(Blackout)Act 2: Scene 6 Tucker-Pritchett HouseholdMitchellCam, can you put Lily in her dress? I have a meeting that I have to start preparing for today and its tomorrowCameronMeeting with a client?MitchellMeeting before trial, so very important! CameronYou know, I CAN quiz you on your knowledge of this. Mitchell Thanks Cam, but I got this one. CameronOk, come here LilyLilyDaddy, can I wear my princess tiara to Mannys House?CameronOh Honey, lets skip the Tiara today, we are celebrating getting the entire family back together okay. How about tomorrow when it is just us? LilyNo! Tiara! Tonight! CameronLilyLilyDaddy! CameronNo Tiara Tonight! LilyTiara Tonight!CameronLily Sometimes you wont get everything that you want in life and so this tiara is an example of that. Song 13: Singing TantrumLilyI WANT MY TIARA DADDY, I WANT IT NOW! AND IF I DONT GET MY TIARA BY TONIGHT, I JUST WILL NOT GO!I WANT IT NOW, NOW, NOW! Cameron(Lets out a deep sigh) Fine! MitchellYup, THAT is your daughter! CameronWhat can I say? I can SING ABOUT ANYTHING, PIZZA, PASTA, WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT, WHAT IM GOING TO HAVE! SINGING!CameronLets go get dressed Lily!(Lily follows Cameron offstage, Cameron has the Pizzazz Dress and Lily has the Tiara)Act 2: Scene 7 Haley and Dylans Car RideHaleyDylan, remember, I and myself ONLY will tell my parents when Im ready.InterviewDylanI dont know why Haley is acting all weird about how SHE is going to tell her parents. Am I really THAT untrustworthy? EndDylanGot it! HaleyOkay! (Silence in the car)DylanAre you mad at me or something?HaleyWhat?! No, Dylan, why would you think that? DylanIt just seems that you werent yourself around my parents and now were 30 minutes away from meeting your parents and youre like lecturing me on how to behave. Haley Ive met your family before.HaleyDylan, Im sorry if Ive been lecturing you, its just that well your parents are DylanMy parents?!HaleyTheyre just so calm and cheerful about everything and mine are not necessarily like that.DylanYour dad is er cool! HaleyYeah, as long as its you that Im with. Hes apparently a cool cat DylanOhHaleyCRAP! I forgot, I signed up to bring a salad to tonights dinner, why did they sign me up for the SALAD! Dylan, take us to the closest to the nearest grocery store.DylanFineAct 2: Scene 8 Alexs Science Fair AlexMom, Dad, where have you been?ClaireUh, getting ready for dinner tonight, you know the one thats right after this.AlexIm up next!!ClaireYou can do this! Science Fair JudgeAlexandria DunphyAlexHere! Science Fair Judge Alright, Alexandria, Tell us about your project! AlexFor my project, I conquered the question what is the effect of lignin in biodegradability? The Plant cell wall material is composed of three important constituents: cellulose, lignin, and hemicellulose. Lignin is particularly difficult to biodegrade, and reduces the bioavailability of the other cell wall constituents. With A bit of knowledge about each of these constituents is helpful in understanding the vastly different rates that different plant materials decompose.Science Fair JudgeThank you Alexandria! AlexThank you! (Alex Bows, The Science Fair Audience Claps and the Dunphys clap the loudest and cheer her on)Alex(To her family) Be honest! Was it good?ClaireYou did great sweety! PhilGreat? You did Fantastic times 10! Alex Thanks mom and dad!LukeWhat its about?AlexYou understand nothing, his brain is decomposing. LukeHey! Was that a compliment?ClaireOk! Both of you, listen, we have to get to dinner in 20 minutes that gives us 15 minutes to stay and watch the others and the award ceremony!(The Dunphys sit down and watch the other competitors)Science Fair JudgeI have reached a consensus that our first place winner is Alexandria Dunphy!(Cheers roar throughout the family)(Alex and her family walk out for Alex to be congratulated by the other contestants)ClaireOkay time to go! PhilAlex, ready? Lets go!(The Dunphy family walks out to the car)Act 2: Scene 9 Grocery StoreDylanSo Whats in a salad? HaleyLettuce and vegetables (Look for a little bit) Dylan! Theres a Caesar salad, it looks big. Lets get it! DylanOk! HaleyUgh All of these lines are full. DylanThat one doesnt have many people. HaleyOk! Ooh, can you buy us a snickers bar? Ooh, or how about a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup! Or How about both!!DylanFine!AlexandraThatll be $10 DylanOkAlexandraAre you guys going to a party?HaleyFamilyAlexandraOh, heres your change. DylanThanks!AlexandraHave a super duper day.DylanByeHaleyThat was weirdDylanYeahHaleyLets just goDylanYeah(Haley and Dylan walk offstage)Act 2: Scene 10 Dinner @ the Pritchett HouseholdGloriaManny Come down here, lets welcome everybody!MannyComing mom, are you coming Jay?GloriaYes, Jay! Come down here! (Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily Enter)GloriaCameron!CameronOh My God! Gloria! So good to see you! GloriaLily!LilyGoodness Gracious!MitchellHey, Hey Dad! JayMitch, how you doing? MitchellDoing well, Dad. Doing wellJayGood, want a beer?MitchellJust water for me pleaseGloriaIll get that MitchMitchellThank you Gloria, hows the Closet Business Dad?(Awkward Pause)GloriaJay! Your son asked you a question!Jay(Startled) What, huh? GloriaHe wants to know how the closet business going? JayWho Mitchell, oh Good! We are officially making more money than Closets, Closets, Closets, you know our biggest rival. MitchellGood Dad! (Gloria brings him water) Oh, thank you Gloria! GloriaAnytime! Please feel free to sit everybody. Im just finishing up the cooking. LilyHey Gloria! What do you think of my tiara?GloriaYou look beautiful Princess Lily! (Side note to Cameron) Tiara?CameronI honestly dont know(The Dunphy Family Enters)GloriaAy Claire, Phil, Luke, Alex! So good to see you!ClaireHey Gloria, Good to see you too!PhilGloria, Jay, nice to see you again!GloriaI feel like we havent seen each other in forever. JayPhil, how you doing? PhilI am doing well! Mitchell, how are you?MitchellIm Im good Phil! How are you? PhilGood, we uh brought some sparkling apple cider. GloriaThank you Phil! You can set that on the tableClaireDad, Hi, how are you? Mitch, how are you? MitchellIm good Claire, thank you for asking me! How are you?ClaireGood! LukeManny!MannyLuke! How are you mi amigo! LukeI dont speak Italian, but I am doing well! MannyLuke, that wasnt ItalianLukeWhateverLilyLuke, Luke! CameronOh my gosh, Alex and Luke, Lily was asking about you the whole car ride and loved how you played with her.AlexDid you have fun with Luke and I Lily?LilyYes! Do you see my Tiara?JayCam that IS your kid!CameronWhat can I say? Im ROYALTY!GloriaWheres Haley?PhilOh Haley should be coming any second with the salad. GloriaGreat!PhilAnd shes bringing Dylan for dinnerGloriaOkay, thank you Phil!(Haley and Dylan Enter)LilyHaley, Haley Do you see my tiara? Oh, hey Dylan!HaleyHi, sorry were late, Lily you look like a princess!DylanYeahLilyThanks!DylanHey Mr. D! PhilD-Money, whats up?DylanOh that reminds me, heres a salad. GloriaAy Thank you Dylan! Dinner will be ready in a little bit. ClaireHaley Whatd you do since we last saw you two?HaleyWe had lunch with Dylans parents and then we picked up a salad at Wal-Mart, had a weird cashier and now were having dinner with my family. CameronOh my God! Haley, did you have a girl named Alexandra, right Mitchell for your cashier. DylanI think so, why? CameronShe was our cashier, she had a bit of an attitude on her when she went.MitchellNo, Cam just expects everyone to share their life story.CameronWell She could have given me more than Hey, Bye.HaleyNow that you mention it, she did have a bit of an attitude, didnt she?DylanYeah, she did.LukeGloria, I saw you at school today, you were a guest reader. MannyDid you hear what one of the classmates said to her? LukeNoGloriaSomeone called me Hot Lady.

LukeIs that not a compliment? MannyI guess, if taken the correct way, it could be a compliment. GloriaI just did not like it. LukeOhJayWho said that?GloriaAy Jay, it is nothing to worry aboutJayAlright, Great!Phil Jay didnt you play golf today? JayI lost a scotch bet!PhilDid anyone have a good day?(Silence, Dylan starts to say something but Haley catches him)AlexI did! PhilSee! Please Alex tell the whole family about what happened on this very special day for you.AlexWell, today I went to the science fair to present my project on the question; what is the effect of lignin in Biodegradability? After I presented mine, I watched the last few after me and then they announced that I one first place in the Science Fair So, heres my medal! GloriaAlex Im so very proud of you, congratulations! Just in time, because Dinner is ready! Go ahead and go through the line, Alex gets to go first because she won the science fair. HaleyAlex, Congrats on winning! AlexThanks Haley! That means a lot to me! (Claire has her own special moment)(Everybody gets their food in line, Alex goes first, and then everybody sits at the table)PhilJay, would you say a prayer since we do have the whole family joining us?JaySpecial Occasion, sure, everyone bow your heads (everyone bows their heads) Dear God, thank you for bringing my whole family here tonight to my house and I thank you for my wifes wonderful cooking whatever that shall be. And Thank you for everything in our lives including our science fair winner, Alex! In your name we pray, and everybody saysAllAmen! All, except JayThank you! Jay that was wonderful, Nice Job, Great Prayer, etc.JayLets eat! Phil can you pass me the Sparkling Cider please? PhilHere you go dear sir! (Phil hands Jay the Sparkling Cider)Claire Haley, could you pass me the salad please? HaleyWhy sure mom! (Haley passes the Salad to Claire) MitchellSo, how are the Dunphys Doing? Phil Well, we have a science fair winner on our hands right now! AlexDadCameronAlex, my mom and dad used to acknowledge everything that I did, they were all like Yay Cameron, you mowed 1 foot of grass. Parents just want to encourage you along the way. AlexOkMitchell Yeah, despite all of the criticism from my dad, he still encouraged me. ClaireIts a parents job sweety. JayNo matter what kind of trouble your mom and uncle got in or whenever I was frustrated at them, I still loved them, no matter what. (There is an Aww moment at the table), the salad is good, Honey, what is this meat called?GloriaMy Columbian Mothers famous Pig Roast. LukeNo wonder it tasted like Bacon! I want this every day. GloriaThank you Luke! What does everyone else think of it? All, but GloriaFantasticInterviewJayNever upset a Columbian Woman, but this, THIS is actually good! End (The Families start to clear their plates)HaleyNo, wait! Dylan and I will do dishesDylanYeah, well do dishesClaireThats nice of you two(Haley and Dylan clear the dishes)HaleyDylan, can you get their attention?DylanAttention Everybody!HaleyThank you Dylan! As most of you know, myself and Dylan have been together for a very long time and just today he proposed to me and I said YES!PhilThank you for finally telling everybody! I couldnt hold it in any longer! HaleyDad knew and before anyone gets stressed out, Mom! We are having a baby together, in fact Im Pregnant! Dylan1 2 3, WERE PREGNANT!ClaireHaley Gwendolyn Dunphy!HaleyAnd here it comes(Gloria flashes her a look)ClaireI am SO PROUD OF YOU! I cant wait to help you start planning the wedding. You are an adult and have been for a while and this is your decision! Congrats, and Im so glad that Dylan is m y son in law! HaleyThank you Mom! I dreamed that you would be cool with this! ClaireIm just happy for my daughter! LukeI have a brother!DylanLuke We dont know the gender yet. (Haley nudges him) Oh Me! Yeah you doAllCongrats Haley and Dylan, One of the Family, Were so happy for you, etc. MannyWait I have a poem for everybody! Please listen, a family reunion is a time of great joy and excitement. In the world that we live in, families are often scattered around the globe. Loved ones may not see or talk to one another for years, even though there is but a plane ride separating them. A family reunion is a time to remember that although you may feel close to your neighbors and friends, there is nothing quite like family. These are the ones who are closest to you in blood. You share the same history and ancestors who cared for you. When you really need help, family members are the ones who are most likely to come through.JayThats a good note to end dinner! MitchellAlright, thank you for dinner and a lovely dessert! CameronThank you again! What do you say Lily?LilyThank you for dinner!Jay, Gloria, MannyBye! (Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily exit offstage)Phil Thank you for everything! Kids?LukeThanks!AlexThank you for everything! It was wonderful ClaireYes, Thanks Dad, Bye Manny and Gloria! Jay, Gloria, MannyBye!(Phil, Luke, Claire, and Alex Exit Offstage)HaleyWe are going to head home with them, so bye thank you so much! GloriaAye, Congratulations on getting engaged! HaleyThank you!DylanThank you guys! Bye!Jay, Gloria, MannyBye!(Haley and Dylan Exit)MannyWell, that was fun, we should do it again! Act 2: Scene 11 The Ride Home(Cameron and Mitchells Car)InterviewCameronNo Matter if youre feeling bad or feeling grateful, Family will always be there for you! MitchellI agree with that! EndInterviewLilyFamily will always play dolls with you even when your daddies are goneEnd(Switch to Haley and Dylans Car)InterviewHaleyDont underestimate family, because even the stressed out ones will be there for you!DylanOh Your momHaleyThats my husband!End(Switch to the Pritchett Household)

InterviewMannyDo what you want, and write what you want because your family will always support you.EndInterviewGloriaFamily will always appreciate you and your cooking! At least my family will!JayGet involved with your family to find out whats happening in their lives.End(Switch to The Dunphys Car)InterviewClaireYou can always count on family to have a good time! PhilYour family will always think that youre cool and hip Dawg! EndInterviewAlexNever give up on your hopes and dreams because, you will achieve what you strive for. It just depends on the time span it takes you to achieve it! Dream Big! You could win a science fair, like me! EndInterviewLukeNike. Just do it! EndSong 15: Finale (Modern Family Theme Song)FULL CASTHEY, HEY (Pause) HEY, HEY (Pause)HEY, HEY (Pause)(Blackout)(Bows)