Modern Family: "Class Clown and Another Clown"

8/3/2019 Modern Family: "Class Clown and Another Clown"

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ACT ONE

INT. MITCHELLS AND CAMERONS DUPLEX - BEDROOM - DAY

MITCHELLWe already discussed about thisbefore.

CAMERONI know we did but theresabsolutely no shame in admittingit.

MITCHELLThats the way you see it.

CAMERONJust relax honey puffs.Everythings going to be fine.

MITCHELLThats the way you see it.

CAMERONWe are going to do it today.

MITCHELL

Thats the --

Mitchell almost says it once more to the end.

INTERVIEW MITCHELL AND CAMERON - DAY

CAMERONThe thing is - I want to takeLily to a baby swim today.

MITCHELLAnd Im feeling a bit cautiousabout that.

CAMERONThats because Mitchell doesntlike to swim.

MITCHELLDont say that. But, yes itskinda true. Im not exactly agood swimmer.

CAMERONAlthough you did jump in the pool

last year.

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MITCHELLYeah, but it was Haley who pushed

me in there.

CAMERONI dont think so.

MITCHELLOkay, I was drunk. Heat of the

moment thing. Whatever you wantto call it.

CAMERONYes. But its going to be okay forLily.

MITCHELLYeah, I dont know.

CAMERONIts going to be fine. Dont

worry, Mitchell.. Buchanan.

MITCHELLBuchanan? (THEN)

CAMERONBaywatch?

MITCHELL

What about it?

CAMERONYou watched Baywatch?

MITCHELLNo. As a matter of fact I didnt.

CAMERONDavid Hasselhoff as MitchBuchanan the life guard? (THEN)Okay, you did watch Knight Rider?

MITCHELLYes, of course.

CAMERONSo dont worry about you andLily. You know the man and todayIm going to be our knight in ashining armor.

Mitchell rolls his eyes.

MITCHELL

In speedos.

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INT. DUNPHYS HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Phil walking to the kitchen.

ALEX(Shouting from the door.)Mom. We are going to be late.Hurry up.

CLAIREMorning honey. Theres someporridge.

PHILOh thank you, honey. I could havedone this all by myself.

CLAIRE

I know. Im just taking care ofyou. I mean you have a tough dayahead, right.

PHILRight. So honey, when are youcoming back?

CLAIREIll probably be back at noon.Why?

PHILJust asking. Because I care aboutyou.

CLAIREI love you too.

PHILO-okay.

Claire about to rush out.

CLAIREOh and honey, if you need any,your blueberries are in thefreezers top compartment.

She goes out. Phil goes to the window to see when they(LUKE, HAYLEY, ALEX and CLAIRE) drive away. Phil looks atthe camera.

INTERVIEW - PHIL - ON THE COUCH - DAY

PHILMe having a busy day today? Its

true kinda. My best friend fromcollege, Steve, is arriving in anhour.

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(THEN) Claire doesnt exactlylike him - for numerous reasons -so I didnt tell her. (THEN) DidI do the right thing?

Shows his hands palms up, not knowing the answer.

INT JAYS CAR - DAY

Jay in the drivers seat. Gloria in the front passengerseat. They are waiting for Manny to get into the car.

GLORIADont you want to spend time with

me?

JAYHoney, I love spending time with

you.

GLORIASo why cant we buy that? Its invogue. Its the in thing.

JAYNo, its not. I dont like theidea. I get bad vibes from it.

GLORIAIt isnt a bad idea.

JAYIts not a good idea either.(THEN) Besides, it would make melook dumb.

GLORIANo, it wouldnt.

JAYIn any case Im too old forthat.

GLORIANo, youre not. Youre still ingreat shape.

JAYI just dont think Im flexibleenough to handle it. (THEN)

GLORIAI bet Phil would do it withClaire.

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JAYPerhaps, but Im not Phil. (THEN)What Im saying is that there arethings in life that you want todo alone. With yourself.

GLORIAI bet you would do it with Phil.

JAYI wouldnt. Although, you neverknow, that man might be weirdenough to try it with me.

Then MANNY enters.

MANNYOkay, Im ready.

Silence.

MANNY (CONT'D)What were you talking about?

Silence.

MANNY (CONTD)Were you talking about somethingimportant?

Silence.

MANNY (CONTD)Were you talking about sex? (THEN)

JAYI wish, my son. I wish.

INT. GARAGE - DAY - MOMENTS LATER

Phil going through his secret personal belongings.

PHILSo why doesnt Claire like Steve.Well. First, Steve was a hopelesspractical joker.

Insert pic of Phil and Steve some twenty years ago.

PHIL (CONT'D)He used to pull some outrageousstuff on all of us.

Another picture.

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No, not your sign either. Okay.See you in thirty.

Phil lets some air out of his mouth, being nervous.

END OF ACT ONE

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PHIL (CONT'D)


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ACT TWO

INT. SWIMMING HALL - DAY

Mitchell, Cameron and Lily arriving. He looks at the waterand the swimmers.

CAMERONDoesnt it look all that nice?

MITCHELLI dont know.

CAMERONWhat do you think, Lily?

Lily doesnt exactly give an answer.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Yes, I like it too.

Then Mitchell looks at the tower.

MITCHELLAt least Im not going there.

CAMERONNobody says you have to.

Then a kid jumps from the thirty feet tower. Perfect jump,

perfect landing.

CAMERON (CONT'D)(relatively quiet) Bravo.

Cameron claps his hands without making too much noise.

MITCHELLDidnt look that bad.

CAMERONWas it a triple-axel orsomething?

MITCHELLThats only in figure skating.(THEN)

CAMERONI wanna see that one too.

Then another kid is about to jump from the tower.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Imagine that one is you.

Everything looks good except that the landing goes allwrong.

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Mitchell doesnt feel good about that.

MITCHELLOh.

CAMERONCalm blue ocean Mitchell. Calmblue ocean.

Mitchell not happy.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Oo-oo, Lets go Lily.

MITCHELLSeemed like he did it on purpose.Looked almost -- like a clownjump to me. Weird.

Cameron eyes fixed, almost as if hes been caught.

INT. MOTORBIKE STORE - DAY

Gloria and Jay in the store looking at bikes.

GLORIAThis is not what I had in mind,Jay.

JAY

I know, I know. But look at thesebabes.

GLORIAI dont find this funny at all.

JAYYou have your proposition. I have

mine.

Jay takes a look at the bikes.

JAY (CONTD)You cant go wrong with these.

Jay sees a salesperson who notices him and comes closer.

SALESPERSONI know, how can you go wrong withthese?

JAYYou got that right my friend.(THEN) My wifes not exactlyconvinced that we could have fun

together with a beauty like this.

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SALESPERSONOh, I understand. Women usuallyhave their reservations about

motorcycles. Its the safetything. I understand.

GLORIAIts not about that.

SALESPERSONLet me assure you that withproper cautionary measurestheres nothing to worry about.

JAYCome on honey, lets bereasonable here.

SALESPERSONWe also have scooters if you wantsomething that provides moresafety and tolerance.

Jay goes to a nearby motorcycle. Then the salesperson withGloria.

SALESPERSON (CONT'D)(whispers) So, what do you havein mind?

Gloria whispers something unintelligible to thesalesperson.

SALESPERSON (CONT'D)Oh.

Jay is taking a seat on a Harley Davidson.

JAYHoney, take look at this one.

GLORIAI dont think so.

JAYYou know you would like it.

INT. AIRPORT - DAY

People showing up from the corridor.

Phil trying to find out where Steve is. Cant seem to findhim.

PHIL

Come on Steve, come on Stevie.

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One guy with a really long hair and a bit disheveled lookshows up. We dont get to see his face yet.

Phil prays to God that its not Steve. Finally we see hisface and Phils emotions let us know that we didnt findthe right guy.

Other people go past. Nothing still.

Then a 40-some year-old raises his hand. He looks to be ina good shape.

STEVEDunpster!

PHILStevster.

They give each others a bear hug.

STEVEGood to see you.

PHILGood to Steve, I mean to see youtoo, man. You look good.

STEVEThank you. You didnt think thatI would look bad, like really

awful, right?

PHILNo. No. No. Nothing like that.(THEN)

STEVEMan, do we have lot talk about.

PHILWe sure do. (THEN) Hey, can Itake your suitcase?

STEVESure.

They start walking away.

PHILYou wanna grab a bite?

STEVEI know just the place for us.

INT. JAYS CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Gloria driving the car.

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MITCHELL (CONT'D)(almost to himself) Our knight ina shining armor.

Mitchell still looking at him.

CAMERONMitch.

With a friendly smile points with his index and middlefinger towards his own eyes.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Back to Lily.

MITCHELLRight, right.

No harm no foul. Instructor shows the next move andeverybody seems to be happy.

INT. RESTAURANT/GAME ROOM - DAY

Phil and Steve playing with a pinball machine.

PHILI cant believe its almosttwenty years already. And thisone is still here.

STEVECorner pocket baby.

Then Steve makes a mistake and its game over.

PHILOh, darnit.

STEVEReady to order something?

PHILLets take the usual.

STEVEThey still have the regular menu?

PHILI think so.

STEVEWant to take a beer first?

PHILYeah, I dont know. Ive been

trying to look after mywaistline.

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STEVEI can buy for you.

PHILIm with the car remember?

STEVEOh have you changed Phil. Okay,

what if you take half a beer?

PHILUmm.

Steve to a waitress nearby.

STEVEWell take two cheeseburger

meals.

Waitress agrees.

STEVE (CONT'D)And something else but we haventdecided yet. Like we havent.

Phil thinking things arent perhaps going the way theyshould.

INT. BIKESTORE - DAY

Jay and Gloria enter the store. You can here the sound ofa customer entering.

GLORIANow this looks better.

JAYYeah, yeah, yeah.

GLORIADont go anywhere. Ill stillneed your judgement.

JAYIt doesnt seem that way. (THEN)Ill go check the mountain bikes.

GLORIAManny doesnt need one. Healready has a good bike.

JAYIll go check some big foot tiresfor him. The manly stuff.

Gloria and Jay part. Gloria goes to check for the clerk.

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Jay looks at the tires. Then he sees a super mtb bike withextreme suspensions.

JAY (CONT'D)You have to be kidding me. Not in

my childhood.

Nevertheless he tries one.

JAY (CONT'D)Not in my childhood.

GLORIAJay. Jay get in here.

Then a clerk brings a tandem bike from a room.

GLORIA (CONT'D)

Doesnt it look good?

JAYIt looks so good that they had tokeep it hidden from thecustomers.

CLERKWhat do you think? You want totake a test ride?

Gloria excited like a child. Jay not so much.

CLERK (CONTD)I take that as a yes.

Jay takes a look at some bike locks.

JAYSir?

CLERKYes?

Jay picks one. Takes a look at it and points it to the clerk.

JAYIs that your weakest bike lock?Because depending on how thisgoes, I might want to buy thecheapest and the weakest oneyouve got.

INT. SWIMMING HALL - DAY

Everyone still in the pool.

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DADI just want to say that I thinkyoure awesome.

MITCHELLWell, thank you.

DADHe left pretty quick.

MITCHELLYeah. (THEN)

DADYou know, my wife is afraid ofclowns too.

MITCHELL

Im sorry what?

DADYou see those clowns there.

MITCHELLYeah. No, thats not it.

DADTheyre practicing for tomorrowsshow.

MITCHELLSay what?

INSTRUCTORAnd what does one plus one make?

Mitchell looking at the tower.

MITCHELLOh, I hope not.

END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Phil and Steve at the restaurant.

STEVEHow about the kids?

PHILUps and downs. Lukes height isgoing up, Im not sure about hisIQ though.

STEVEAnd the girls?

PHIL

Doing good too. Alex is ourlittle Lisa Simpson. Except ofcourse that shes growing up.

STEVEBoyfriends?

PHILYeah.

STEVEGetting along?

PHILIm doing alright with boyzoes.(THEN)

STEVESo hows Claire doing?

PHILShes fine. Tends to be a bit of adrama queen.

STEVEThings havent changed a bit, havethey?

PHILThey havent and they have.

STEVEDid you tell Claire that we arehere?

Phil doesnt say anything.

PHILShe didnt like you much.

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STEVEYeah.

PHILBecause you used to be a prankster.And stuff.

STEVESo you didnt tell.

PHILNo.

STEVERight. (THEN) Okay.

PHILSo how youve been doing?

STEVEUps and downs.

PHILHow about the stuff?

STEVEWhat stuff?

PHILYou know, the drinking thing?

STEVEYou seriously dont want to takea beer?

PHILNo. (THEN) I dont drink that

much anymore.

STEVEYou dont?

PHILLike maybe once or twice in a

month. In a good company. Acouple of buds and Im all good.(THEN) So how about you? Because

we used to..

STEVEYou know, to be honest. I dontdrink much either.

PHILYou dont?

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STEVENo. I was just kinda testing you.Trying to throw a curveball atyou.

PHILYou were?

STEVEActually I havent taken a drinkin seven years.

PHILYou havent?

STEVENo. Charity work and stuffinstead. I sobered up.

PHILOh. (THEN) Wow.

Finally Phil smiling, perhaps to the camera.

INT. BIKESTORE - OUTSIDE - DAY

Gloria and Jay testing the bike.

GLORIA

This the funniest thing Ive donein my life.

JAYYeah, yeah. (THEN) You know, Idrather sit in the back.

GLORIASo that you would get a betterview?

JAYWhy else?

They ride their bike next to the clerk.

GLORIAWell take this.

Jay not really happy.

CLERKYou made a great decision.

GLORIA

Yes we have.

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He tries to silently shout to Cameron. Cameron waves back.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)(to the guy next to him) Thats

my husband there.

They both look at Cameron.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)He might hurt himself. I have tostop him. Can I trust you to takecare of Lily for a second.

DADOf course.

Mitchell hands over her and gets up from the pool. Cameronalready climbing the stairs.

MITCHELLCam.

Cameron just waves. Mitchell follows.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)Oh my fear of heights.

Cameron reaches the first top. Mitchell reaches the tower.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)

Cam. What do you think youredoing?

CAMERONTrust me. I know what Im doing.

MITCHELLThis is the stupidest thing likeever.

CAMERONNo. This is the most wonderfulthing one could think of. Look atthe smiling kids down there.

MITCHELLYou cant really think ofjumping.

CAMERONHow do I say this to you? MitchHoney. At some point you have tostop worrying and start living.

MITCHELL

No, thats not it.

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CAMERONFerris Bueller, Mitchell. ForrestGump. (THEN) The arm wrestling

movie with Sylvester Stallone.

MITCHELLI dont think so.

CAMERONIts all good honey puffs.

MITCHELLIm still not convinced. This isjust way too silly. Andpotentially very dangerous.

CAMERONRemember the moment when you came

out? Dont you want to reliveagain that moment of relief.

MITCHELLPerhaps. But not this way.

CAMERONYou just need to loosen up a bit.

MITCHELLI dont know.

CAMERONOkay. Look at it this way. Thisis one of the few things for aguy like me to do something wherepeople are laughing with meinstead of laughing at me. Youhave a problem with that?

Mitchell doesnt know what to say.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Hey, wheres Lily? (THEN)

MITCHELLSafely down there with a dad.

Cameron waves back at Lily.

CAMERONHey Lily.

MITCHELLHe thinks were both awesome.

CAMERON

See.

Another clown waiting his turn behind.

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CAMERON (CONT'D)Mitchell, its going to be fine.

MITCHELLI..

CAMERONTrust me this one time.

Mitchell doesnt know what to say again. Hesitating.Another clown really waiting for his turn. (THEN)

MITCHELLOkay. I guess you can jump.

CAMERONThank you honey. Will you jumptoo?

MITCHELLNo.

Cameron preparing to jump.

CAMERONOh, this isnt as easy as Ithought. (THEN) Calm blue ocean,Cam, calm blue ocean.

Then after concentrating for a while, Cameron jumps. Just a

regular jump, no tricks. He hits the water. He resurfaces.Mitchell goes to the side.

MITCHELLCam. Are you alright? (THEN) Areyou alright?

CAMERONOuh, ouh ouh. I think I hurt myback.

MITCHELLYou need help?

CAMERONI dont know.

MITCHELLI take that as a yes.

Mitchell decides to jump to help Cameron. He swims to him.

CAMERONIt hurts.

Mitchell grabs Cameron.

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EXT. DUNPHYSS HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Phil drives the car to the side. He and Steve get out ofit.

PHILOh, Claires back already.

They reach the door. Thats when Claire opens it.

CLAIREWhat do we have here?

Phil a bit confused.

PHILOh hi. (THEN) Youre backalready?

CLAIREIm back.

PHILClaire, this here is, if you canstill recall --

STEVEHello Claire.

CLAIRE

Good to see you too Steve. (THEN)

PHILYou know each other somehow?

CLAIREI do. Steve wrote me a very nicee-mail some time ago.

PHILYou did?

CLAIREYes and as far as I know, hes agood guy now.

PHILI know. He told me.

CLAIRESo Steve, did you prank him good?

STEVEI just couldnt.

PHILIts the friend thing you know.

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CLAIREYou were quite a prankster backin the days.

Steve looks at Phil.

STEVEI learned from the best.

CLAIREWant to come inside?

The guys nod.

Then Mitchell drives the car to the side. Cameron still inhis Fizbo outfit, partially wet. Mitchell takes lily fromthe backseat. Cameron steps out of the car too.

MITCHELLOh good, youre here.

Steve, Phil and Claire stare at the whole circus.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)Can you look after Lily for anhour or two. We have to takeCameron to the hospital for acheck-up.

CAMERON

(hurting) Hello everyone.

MITCHELLHe jumped in the pool. And hurthis back.

CLAIREYeah, sure. No problem.

Claire takes Lily.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)Hello my little friend.

Phil looks at Steve.

PHILJust another day at the Dunphyhousehold.

Then Jay goes by with his tandem bike. Everyone looks athim. Jay grumpy.

END OF ACT THREE

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TAG

EXT. JAYS PLACE - DAY

Jay resting in a chair happily enjoying sun. Then Gloriaand Manny cycling with tandem bike.

MANNYDad, you need to join us.

GLORIAThis is so much fun.

They keep riding the bike.

GLORIA (CONT'D)I think we need one for three.

Jay annoyed.

JAY(To himself) I dont think so.

He takes a calling card from his shirt and grabs his cellphone. He starts pushing in the numbers, as we get back toGloria and Manny having fun going down the road.

END OF SHOW

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Modern Family: "Class Clown and Another Clown"