The STank epidemic: A Growing Concern for Deodorant at UMN

BY: HeatHer Berglund

MINNEAPOLIS, MN- One warm Wednes-day evening, Michael Evans sat on the Campus Connector headed toward the ever-enchanting St. Paul campus. Com-pletely unaware of how bad his stench was, he sat on his phone playing Candy Crush Saga. He was down to his last life, as was everyone within a 20-foot radius of him, all of whom were at risk of death-by-stank.

“I didn’t want to say anything, but my nose felt like it did when I snorted a line of chili powder,” Sarah Johnston, junior at the University of Minnesota, told The Black Sheep in regard to Michael’s over-whelming odor. “I was so disgusted I think my throat started to hemorrhage. I’m going to Boynton after class for sure.”

There’s a growing epidemic at the Uni-versity of Minnesota involving young men and women rolling out of bed wear-ing yesterday’s clothes, drenched in their own brand of stench and beginning their day without rolling on some D.O.

“It’s just, like, it’s the Campus Connec-tor… we’re all squished together like livestock on their way to the State Fair. It smells bad enough. Why can’t you just put on some cologne or strategically rub on those magazine samples?” Johnson whined.

 “What it really comes down to is igno-rance,” Dan Bergstrom, a professor of Deodorant Studies in the ‘Youth Devel-opment Department explains. “It’s all about standing up to ‘The Man’, some-

thing these young hooligans really love to do.” According to Bergstrom, it carries over into young adulthood too. Young men and women rely on smell first and foremost to determine a mate, much like the rest of the animal kingdom, and sometimes they get so used to their own brand that they don’t even realize how bad their Stank is.

But how bad is The Stank? The Black Sheep sacrificed their noses (and sanity) for an hour in the name of investiga-tive journalism, and sat on the Campus Connector while chronicling the differ-ent kinds of odors. The infamous “onion smell” was particularly pungent. It’s that kind of aroma, a sweat scent, mixed with the distinct smell of putrid vegetables, all being stirred together with your grand-ma’s bunion-laden foot, that’ll give you no other choice but to get off a stop early just to get a breath of fresh air.

The runner-up for most disgusting stench was the classic “au naturale” smell. A smell that tends to emanate from col-lege kids when peer pressure convinces them to take “just one more shot” the night before, leaving them little motiva-tion to hop in the crusty dorm shower to freshen up. On these occasions, the smell of alcohol, sweat, and body odor fuse together to make a lovely scent one can only describe as eau de college.

This doesn’t just affect those of us on the Campus Connector. Freshman Gregory Lemarch, a virgin to The Stank and a gummy-worm enthusiast, com-

mented on this epidemic while stand-ing in line for Jamba Juice. “Suddenly, I wasn’t thirsty for my triple-protein-boost mango smoothie. All I could smell was vodka and sweat, and it reminded me of all those Thanksgivings with my crazy uncle, who once accused the turkey of being a Communist…” The Black Sheep didn’t have further questions, but did accept his gummy worm offering.

If there’s one thing that The Black Sheep prides itself on knowing, it’s various ways to mask the shame of the night before. Seriously, there are just about as many convenience stores on campus as there are chemicals in the UDS hot dogs. So there’s no excuse for a shortage of de-odorant whatsoever. Even the Coffman

Bookstore sells those small deodorant sticks that can double as weed canis-ters once you finish them. The issue with these college kids is not the lack of available deodorant, but a lack of will and the brainpower to put it on. At the rate things are going, societal structures are on their way to a complete collapse, just like your roommate’s nasal cavities as they realize the true power of The Stank.

The Black SheepVol. 5, Issue 6 10/10/13 - 10/16/13

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com

KicK writer’s blocK in the ass, with gin and tonic in hand.

HoW to StiMUlate YoUr Creative ProCeSS

page 4

Unhygienic homecoming hooKUps has epidemiologists at a dead end.

StUdeNt deterMiNeS WHo Got HiM SiCK

page 5

explore the sad spiral downward of traUmatizing breaKUps.

He didN’t deServe YoU aNYWaY

page 7

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#goodtimes

Wordof the

Week

The Black SheepCelebrity before & AfterJust like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UMN and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

tWeet US @BlaCKSHeeP_UMN tWeet US @BlaCKSHeeP_UMN

tweet Us @blacksheep_Umnfirst right answer wins a prize!

Guess The MaScoT

seriously?doN’t mess ARoUNd WitH

#BAdTiMesMAN

Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious,

most perverted, most raunchy

(or all of the above) pick-up lines to

@BlackSheep_UMN#BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and

be featured in next week’s issue!

You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid

eyes on...

so I don’t know why you spent 45 minutes

last night plucking your eyebrows in your

bedroom.

crampageyou know, periods and stuff.

“Sally went on a crampage when her Midol wore off in the middle of her

three-hour chemistry lab.

Calcifer’s voice actor, floating around in one of these mineral

monstrosities.

Last Week’s Answer: Robert Smith & Wesson

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04

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how To STimUlaTe yoUr creaTive proceSS

BY: alexandra adams

Microsoft Word is open, and the cursor flashes on and off, on and off on a blank document. Like, there’s nothing there; you’re too vacant to even put your name on the thing. Why? Your confidence level is falling as you begin to suspect you have no creative ability whatsoever.

Maybe you need to produce a poem for your freshman writing class. Perhaps you need to write a serious prose piece for some class that’ll never help you get a real job. Whatever your assignment: never fear! The Black Sheep has a whole system to help you successfully release those creative juices from your academia-soured brain cells. Let us begin. step the First: read/watch/listen to something that inspires you. What makes your little creative heart beat? Seriously. There must be one thing in this godforsaken universe that makes you want to create. Is it a movie? A YouTube video? A Miley Cyrus song? We’re not here to judge. We’re just here to suggest starting your creative journey with a reminder of why creativity is good in the first place… or why it’s bad (please refer to “Wrecking Ball” video). step the second: Turn off your phone and wi-fi. Don’t ask questions. Just do it. You need to cut off your distractions. Tweeting “can’t even write this

paper. #dying”, believe it or not, won’t help you write said paper. Texting your idiot friends about it isn’t an effective method of finishing your creative work either. Just find the strength in your wee little soul to cut off communication and get some work done.

step the third: Since we know you already ignored the second step, you might as well order some food. Don’t try and use cooking to get out of this one, friend. Spending forty minutes making the scientifically perfect bowl of Kraft Mac & Cheese is always a waste of time. Get a sandwich or some pizza delivered and stop using hunger as an excuse to procrastinate. Feed yourself and move forward.

step the Fourth: If anything stimulates the creative brain, it’s alcohol. Ask the famous writer Hemingway or even the brilliant rhetorician Burke. They both found inspiration at the bottom of a bottle, be it whiskey or vodka, respectively. The point is there’s nothing like a little liquid courage to get your juices flowing.

step the Final: JUST DO IT. So maybe your work will turn out to be a horrible self-indulgent mess. But come on you guys, that’s what editing is for. It’s a lot easier to go back and fix a piece of writing when it’s, you know, actually written. All you need to do is commit to putting something on the page, kind of

like how you committed to eating that burrito that was the size of a small child. Hell, draw a weirdly shaped penis if that helps you. Whatever floats your boat, or sinks your ship, or whatever nautical terms you want to throw in there.

Congrats, kids! You’ve now officially busted yourself out of that creative funk and are ready to turn in your work for– oh god. Did you really interchange the word queen for queef? And back to the drawing board it is…

05

Fall is officially upon us. Time to swap out those banana hammocks you fellas were sporting to Lake Calhoun for some unrevealing sweaters, and switch out those popsicles for some good ol’ hot chocolate. Basically, fall means more clothes and less sexually suggestive forms of sustenance, but it also means pumpkin. And who doesn’t like a healthy dose of artificial pumpkin flavoring that doesn’t taste even remotely like a real pumpkin? To the untrained eye it would appear as though pumpkin is everywhere, well almost. The Black Sheep is here to offer you some products that would, without a doubt, benefit from a hit of the pumpkin spice flava flav.

10.) Chapstick: Your milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but your pumpkin spice Chap-Stick will keep them there. Lip-smacking goodness just got a whole lot better.

9.) Crazy straws: Seriously, as if these things could get any crazier, make them pumpkin flavored and they’ll be declared clinically insane. Who wouldn’t want to suck down a nice cold beverage with the sweet flavor of pumpkin to accompany it?

8.) Office supplies: Pumpkin spice pencil. Pumpkin spice paper clips. Pumpkin spice scissors. Pumpkin spice three-hole punch. Imagine Midas going into an Office Max, and instead of turning everything to gold, turning everything into pumpkin spice. Need we say more?

7.) sharpie markers: Make getting high off of inhaling sharpies that much more festive by substi-tuting out that classic “Sharpie smell” for some sweet, cinnamony pumpkin spice. All the cool kids are doing it.

6.) socks: What you do with your socks is your own business, but don’t let them smell like the Mesa Pizza bathroom after 2 a.m. Athlete’s foot is gross, pumpkin spice isn’t.

5.) deodorant: Old Spice? No. Pumpkin spice? Yes. If you want your pits to smell like a perfect autumn day, then this product is for you. Smelling your armpits in public just got a whole lot more socially acceptable.

4.) nail Polish: Mid-terms are here, and all that time you spent watching Duck Dynasty Marathons and eating your body weight in Lunchables is finally catching up to you. With that, your insatiable habit of biting your nails has reawakened, but luckily they taste like pumpkin instead of acetone, so don’t fight it.

3.) Postage stamps: A source, whose sister’s best-friend’s uncle knows a guy, told The Black Sheep that the reason people don’t send letters anymore is because when you lick a stamp, it tastes like you’re licking that paper mache replica of Helen Keller you made in the 3rd grade. With Pumpkin spice flavored stamps, this becomes irrelevant and the written word is happening again for the first time since the Pony Express.

2.) Condoms: Everyone rejoice, ‘tis the season of Halloween sex. Make sure you celebrate accord-ingly by putting “the D” back into “Pumpkin spiceD”.

1.) light poles: Minnesota winters are cold, which subsequently makes the urge to resist lick poles when it’s negative degrees outside that much harder to resist. Your curiosity will eventually get the best of you and you’ll plant your tongue on that light pole like you did at that intense game of spin-the-bottle at your cousin’s bar mitzvah. Bottom line: your tongue will, in fact, get stuck, so it might as well taste like pumpkin while you’re chillin’ there.

TheTop

TenBY: megan Felz

TakeS on pUmpkin Spice

Student Fruitlessly Tries to determine Who Got Him Sick During Homecoming

BY:Jake sOrensen

Oscar Thompson had the time of his life at Homecoming this year. “I didn’t even sleep. That’s how awesome it was. It felt like I was just jumping from party to party all night. I’ve never drank so much in my life; I even punched Hoodie Allen!” But when he tried to tell reporters of his escapades in greater detail, he was cut short by a debilitating coughing attack as his body tried to vehemently eject the mucus lining his esophagus. Oscar, like so many UMN students this weekend, fell ill last Sunday with what doctors call a “common cold”.

“I’ve had it for nearly a week now,” the sniveling leper explained, “And the annoying thing is, I have no idea who could have given it to me. It’s not like I put my tongue on…wait, yeah I did. Shit. She was sniffling a lot too. But maybe that was just the coke.”

Narcotics, it turns out, wasn’t the only thing Oscar shared during the festivities. “Yeah, or maybe it was Gina. We were sipping out of the same Solo cup, and then Dameon handed me his shot glass because he said he’d just done three and I needed to ‘tap him out’. I just remember my mouth being in a lot of places Friday night…and Saturday night…and at the concert…and at the football game…you know I think I might have licked the sidewalk at one point. Why would I do that?”

Not having the faintest idea why any human

being would attempt to do something so totally gross, Oscar’s roommate, Tyler Newman, chimed in, “It’s fucking disgusting. He’s been holed up in here ever since Homecoming, breathing on all my stuff and drinking all of our damn orange juice. It’s driving me nuts. I never get a moment’s peace with him hacking up a lung every thirty seconds. How’s a man supposed to masturbate in peace with that invading his ear space?”

Seeing his friend upset, Oscar took a brief moment to sneeze before wrapping his arm around Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler jerked away, telling the diseased vagrant not to touch him, then stormed off to the nearest bedroom. Newman’s hostility is not surprising by any means, after all, Boynton Health Service reports people who live together have a 60% chance of catching any affliction their asshole roommates contract

while playing beer pong with a stripper.

“Nobody wants this to be over with more than me,” Oscar said, “I’m missing class and my biweekly jogs at the rec center….I bet Becky’s the one who did it. We made out at a

kegger, and she literally jammed her tongue up into one my nostrils. It was really weird. Plus she looked like she was gonna pass out pretty much all night.” The promising hypothesis was cut short when Thompson realized Becky was just Asian.

“Crap. Back to square one.”

At the time of writing, Thompson was reportedly turning back and forth in bed, tormented to the point of exhaustion by being unable to lose consciousness between bouts of chest convulsions.

“i jUST remember my moUTh being in a loT oF placeS Friday nighT…and SaTUrday nighT…yoU know i Think i mighT have licked The Sidewalk aT one poinT. why woUld i do ThaT?”

06

on the StreetS

iF yoU had To move one parT oF yoUr body To anoTher parT oF yoUr body whaT

woUld yoU move and where?

“I would move my hand to my face to minimize the distance between food and my mouth.”

“I would move my eyebrows to below my nose so it would look like I had a mustache.”

“I would move my eyes to where my ears are to increase my peripheral vision.”

Shelby, Senior

catherine, Freshman

grace, Freshman

We tWeeteD out a requeSt to SenD uS pictureS oF you lickinG SometHinG. anD boy, are We GlaD We DiD.

Around cAmpuslickinGStuFF

eDition

doWNload oUr free iphone and android app

TheBlackSheepOnline.com

ARTICLES | BAR SPECIALS | DRINKING GAMES

BY: BlaCk sHeeP staFF

Everyone experiences rejection — be it from our jobs, our friends or that goddamn ass-fart Jim Morton and his stupid-ass face. rejection is just a part of life, and since there’s no point in letting life ruin life for you, you can’t let it break your heart and turn you into a volcano of hate or a cheap Taylor Swift knockoff. So what is a less-than-or-equal-to-drinking-age young adult supposed to do with their feelings?

drink: You just had your heart torn out of your chest, and stomped on, and sprayed with pepper spray, and doused in gasoline, and set on fire, and chewed on by a rabid deer, and thrown against the canvas of a tormented artist, and tossed in the street, and run over by a monster truck, and exposed to no less than six kinds of electromagnetic radia-tion, and shoved back into your chest cavity by some ass-hat that never cleans under his damn nails. There is someone in this town who will buy you a drink.

Call them: “You know whad Jim? Fluck you! You didda even know how much I frickin gave you! Go on, find some tramp’ll pud up wif yer shiiid,

Jim! I dune’en need you! If I ever see yer douche-crapper face agai’, I’mma punch it in id’s face, an’ when it pops off yer neck, I’mma roun’house kick it in th’ jaw super hard, and then I’mma run all th’ way ‘roun’ the worl’ tuh kick it again b’fore it hits th’ groun’, an’ I’mma jus’ play tennis wif yer head wif m’self until yer ass-fart-dildo face explodes all over yer bitch muhver. Call me when you get this.”

Figure out How to delete some-one else’s Voicemail: Oh, shit, you just drunk-dialed your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/boss/BFF/professor/room-mate/senator! Why did you go for te-quila? Why did you stop using your phone for Candy Crush? Why did you even wake up this morning? Okay, calm down. You can fix this. All you have to do is delete the message. You can do that, right? With all the miracles of technology, someone had to have invented a way to get rid of drunk phone messages at 2 in the morning before Jim Morton gets it! GOOGLE! Google will know!

You Can’t delete someone else’s Voicemail: God DAMN you, nerds, what are you even doing?!?

Call to Clarify: “Heeeeeeey, Jim, lis-ten. Tessa — you remember Tessa, right? — has been working on a re-ally great impression of me and she got, like, so wasted tonight and she got my phone and I, like, just saw the call to you so I thought I should let you know that whatever she said, that totally wasn’t me, okay? Tess is so funny, she just wanted to see if she could fool the man I’ve spent the last two and a half years with! Okay, just to clarify: that was Tessa that said she wanted to play tennis with your head. Not me. Talk to you later!”

get Bad news: Who is texting you at 2:30 in the morning? Jamie? What does she want? Doesn’t she know you’re asleep and totally not obsess-ing over Jim and his douche-turtle voicemail? “OMG im sooooo sorry.” What? Type back, “4 what?”“tess and jim left the bar 2gether :(((“No. No way. Uh-uh. No goddamn way! That skank! How could she do this to you?! She’s probably been try-ing to break you two up for months, just so she could sleep with your boy-friend! That’s why your sweet Jimmy Jams broke up with you! That pock-faced whore bewitched him!

throw up: Gross, did you eat an entire green pepper pizza? And… corn? When did you have corn? Ew, it’s still coming out! Oh God, why won’t you stop throwing up?! Jesus, flush the toilet now so you don’t clog the system! Are you done ye- *gag*! OH GOD IT’S *gag choke gargle* IT’S JUST- shhh, no, don’t cry. It’s okay, don’t cry! You’re going to be okay! Everything’s going to be okay, calm down!

Pass Out: Are you supposed to be on your stomach so you don’t choke on your vomit? Or on your back so you don’t drown yourself in the piss puddle by the toilet? Maybe… okay, on your side, and use your shirt like a pillow. Theeeeere we go.

remember that Your alibi doesn’t Work anymore: SHITDAMNIT!

Call again: “Hey, Jim. It’s me again. Listen, about those last two voice-mails — I was totally just joking with you. We’re cool, like, I still want us to be friends, so when I realized that what I said might not have sounded like a joke to you, I was like, ‘Ahh, I got-ta make sure he knows it was a joke,’

haha! Eenyhoo, totally call me when you get this, kay? Kay! Buh-bye!”

Call again: “And just so you know, I’m totally cool with you and Tessa making love. Totally fine with it. Nah, we’re all friends here, we’re all good. Call me back!”

Call again: “Listen up, you slack-jawed-whore-bitch-dildo: I don’t know what you did to convince

Jimmy to leave me, but it’s not gonna work. You hear me? Jim and I are soul mates, and once he realizes what a trashy slut you are, he’ll come right back to me and we will spend the rest of our lives laughing at your pathetic, sorry ass!”

Call again: “Whoopsie, that last call was the wrong number! Sorry, Jim! Just joking again, haha! Yeah, so, call me!”

He Didn’t Deserve You Anyway: break-UpS and yoU

The Bar Grid

sPeCIal nIgHtWED: 8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings

w/ College or Military ID$0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband

$8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart

$1.50 High life tall boys

TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers

8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3

Tequila Shots

TUES: Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birth-

day Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs$3 Long Island Pints

thursday 10/10COLLEGE THURSDAYS

8pm - Close: All you care to drink!$6 Bottomless Domestic Beer,

$10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers

$1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands,

$5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays!$2 You Call It Drinks and $3

Shots from 10-close.

Friday 10/118pm - Close:

$4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands

$2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close:$3 Mich. Golden Light Pints

$3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close$3 Grape Apes,

$5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm

$3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

saturday 10/128pm - Close:

$4 Bacardi Drinks$2 Mini Bombs

(jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles9pm - Midnight:

$3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm

$3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

sunday 10/13 Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99

8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles

and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday!Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot)

4pm - Close

monday 10/14Mason Jar Monday

8pm-close:$3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and

Bud and Bud Light Taps$5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers$10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs$5 Jameson Gingers

All Day Pizza for Pennies!Buy any large pizza and get the

2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot)

9pm - Close

tuesday 10/158pm-close: $3 U Call Its

Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap(items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers

8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3

Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birth-

day Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs$3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 10/168pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/

College or Military ID$0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband

$8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart

$1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things$0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm

2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid

EVERYDAY:Happy Hour 3-6PM:

$2 Select Beers & Drinks1/2 Price Select Apps

WEDNESDAY:Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time

compete for $200!Contest Starts at 11:30pm

Open to all Ladies

Foam Party Every 1st Sunday and 3rd Friday of the Month!

TUESDAY: No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong

$3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks$3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel

Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight$5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

sPeCIal nIgHt

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1

Happy Hour: 8am - 2amDrag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run$3 Budweiser Products,

$3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka$6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

thursday10/10

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go

Dancers!Happy Hour: 8am - 2amLa Femme: 8pm - 1am

Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday10/11

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner!All Six Bars are Open!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

saturday10/12

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight

Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or

club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!Come experience the 90s in it’s full

glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs

No Cover!Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS)

$3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close

$4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

sunday10/13

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day

Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!Free buffet starts at halftime of

Monday Night Football!

NO COVER!2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic

beer) from 9pm to 1amHappy Hour: 8am - 2amKaraoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks,

$5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

monday10/14

Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pmRoot City Trio at 9:30pm

Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks

1/2 Price Select Apps

Ladies Night!Free cover for all ladiesMen: Wear any Deja vu or

Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close

$2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm

Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong

$3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks$3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel

Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight$5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

tuesday10/15

$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pmHappy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM:

$2 Select Beers & Drinks1/2 Price Select Apps

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time

compete for $200!Contest Starts at 11:30pm

Open to all Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover)$3 Domestic Beers and Rail

Drinks, $3.75 HeinekenAmateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica

Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps

$3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain

$5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday10/16

If you don’t start following us...YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UMNScan to go right to the page!

GoinG to a Birthday partyEvEn though it’s a ___1___ night, I’m al-ways down to party! Crush some ___2___, slam some ___3___ girls, you know, the usu-al. It’s ___4___ ’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor who lives in ___5___ , and they are turning 21. Hell yeah! I love birthdays!

Since I’ve got a fake ID, I want to flaunt it. I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ just to keep people on their toes. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new striped button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___ because ev-

madlib

1: Weekday2: Shitty Beer

3: Freshman dorm4: Your roommate

5: Notorious party apartment

6: Flavor7: Unusual liqueur

8: Grocery store9: High-fashion designer

10: Cliche party favor11: Animal

12: Cartoon character13: Cartoon that #12 is from

14: Hot girl on campus15: Young female celebrity

16: Old female celebrity17: Terrible EDM artist

18: Classic hip-hop artist19: Popular pop band

20: Classic karaoke song21: Cartoon from #13

22: Drunk food

eryone will be too drunk to know the dif-ference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___ , everyone loves those! Maybe a little Pin the Tail on the ___11___ , maybe some helium balloons to get a little funny later. Ladies love my ___12___ voice impression. Damn, I love that ___13___ so much.

I heard ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should

make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___ , some ___18___ , and ___19___ , the bitches love them. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to show the ladies that I’ve got pipes… all over the place, if you catch my drift.

Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___ on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

recipe for diSaSTer

nomnomnomnom TheblackSheeponline.com

chicago Style Taco

drinking game

wrecking ball

download oUr Free app For all The gameS!

It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk.

What You’ll need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table number of Players: 6level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.”

How to Play:- Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer.- Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team.- Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup.- When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles. - These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup.

- If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled.- If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups.

- If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot.- Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players un-til one team has a full standing pyramid.

- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack.- If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins!- If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot.- As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down. - In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remain-ing cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.

the game ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully with-out hurling everywhere.

The Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endless-ly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing stuffed with raccoon assholes, chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for inspiring this gem.

What You’ll need: Taco shells, hot dogs, hot peppers, sweet relish, chopped on-ions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard.Cook time: 15 minutesFatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny.

let’s get Baked:- Preheat the oven to 200 degrees.- Chop the onions.- Slice your tomato.- Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven for 7 minutes.- Cook the hotdogs in the microwave for 2 minutes.- remove the taco shells, place one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top.- Add onions, relish, peppers, tomatos and mustard as desired.

Seriously though, no ketchup.

11

Are You SmarTer Than?1) History: What mountain range did Carthaginian general Hannibal famously cross?

2) sports: What is the NBA’s most recent expansion team, not counting teams that moved from one city to the other?

3) anatomy: The ulna is found in what part of the body?

4) tV: “The Contest” is arguably the most famous episode of this legendary TV show.

5) Card games: In trick-taking games, what is the card or suit elevated above others called?

6) the 1970s: Name 2 of the 3 Presidents of the United States who were in office in the 1970s.

7) technology: What does “L.E.D.” stand for?

8) Food: Pho is a noodle soup originating in which country?

9) space exploration: Famously, Voyager 1 became the first man-made object to do what?

10) Cars: BMW’s high-performance line is noted by what marking?

danny from blarney’s

1) Alps 2) Charlotte Bobcats 3) Arm 4) Seinfeld 5) Trump or bauer 6) Nixon, Ford, Carter

7) Light Emitting Diode 8) Vietnam 9) Leave our solar system 10) The “M” marking

correct answers1) Alps 2) Timberwolves 3) Arm 4) How I

Met Your Mother 5) Trump card 6) reagan, Nixon 7) Light Emitting Diode 8) Vietnam

9) Land on mars 10) The Z series

danny’s answers

danny’s Score: 5.5 out of 10

thE top 10 Awful, unfunny twittEr Accounts your DumbAss friEnDs ArE following (and How to End Your FriEndsHips witH tHEm)

Running a Twitter account is hard. Trying to come up with witty things to say and relevant jokes to make is not as easy as the handsome, well-endowed and talented folks at The Black Sheep make it look. However, despite the best intentions of those

with actual senses of humor, Twitter is populated by a number of “comedy” and “parody” accounts that have an endless supply of followers. If your Twitter feed has

ever become infested with terrible attempts at topical jokes, puns and memes, it means one of your friends has caught the Parody Plague, and it’s time to cut him

loose. Here, we’ll detail some of the worst accounts on Twitter, accounts so bad that ending your friendship over them would be more than justified.

Read on to see the fiRst five most obnoxious twitteR accounts!

Next Week: the crème-de-la-crème of crap: tHE top-FivE worst accounts on twittEr.

DishonorAblE mEntions:

@totalSratmove • @_doSequiSmaN, @fauxJohNmaddeN • @the_heleNkeller,

@itSBadluckBriaN • @SeNtedcruz

10. @chuck_facts

Terminal, communicable disease-based humor is a surefire way to prove that you’re an insensitive asshole with the intellect of a poorly raised child.

It is 2013. That means that Chuck Norris “jokes” have been around for eight years, and have not been funny for seven-and-a-half of them. The entire premise is “Chuck Norris Does Absurd/Impossible Thing” and that’s literally it. That’s the entire joke. It may be kind of worth a sly grin the first couple of times you hear one, but after the sixth time you hear that “Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down when he does pushups” you should make like the terrible Chuck Norris joke reference on Family Guy and punch that person in the face. This account is only ranked so low because it sticks to its principles and does not branch out, which is kind of the point of a parody account. However, it’s here because it’s terrible.

How to end the Friendship: Tell him or her to “talk to the hand” and leave. Because that’s another totally modern and relevant insult that didn’t become oversaturated six months after you first heard it or anything.

worstof theworst

9. @ohwonka

When in doubt, homophobia is always a great substitute for actual wit and humor!

Ugh, our first image macro-based account. Image macros exploded in the world of internet culture and into the mainstream sometime between 2009 and 2012. The world is a far, far worse place because of it. Any ac-tual attempts at humor by particularly uncreative individuals can now be placed on a picture in Impact font, and scores upon scores of brainless morons will share it. It’s a real case study in just how low we’ve sunk as a society. The Condescending Wonka idea certainly isn’t the worst in theory, but in practice it proves that people don’t even care about the proper use of an image macro, as long as it has some generally relatable and unfunny bullshit spit onto it.

Whoever runs this account has forgotten what condescension actually is (or, more likely, had no idea in the first place because they are a humorless shitsack) and replaced it with middle school-level insults towards a gen-eral audience. If you’re following this account, we hope you are filled with intense levels of self-hatred, because if not we’re more than willing to fill in the gaps for you. Gene Wilder deserves better than this.

How to end the Friendship: Write, “Oh, you thought we were friends? Well then you followed this stupid fucking Twitter account and made me realize that you are unfunny and miserable” on a picture of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. That should do it.

worstof theworst

8. @wolfpackAlan

Gibberish and nonsense phrases are inherently funny because I’m so alternative and random, I should put this tweet next to my Invader Zim picture on my MySpace in 2006!

The Hangover was kinda funny in 2009. It wasn’t the “funniest movie ever made” as some made it out to be, but it had plenty of solid mo-ments. Of course, every minor cultural experience requires a Twitter “parody” account, and Zach Galifianakis’ Alan is no exception.

Except this isn’t a parody account. In fact, does anybody on Twitter know what parody means anymore? This account tweets random recycled garbage that relates to either 15-year olds who aren’t pop-ular in high school or those who are having their first experience with humor and are wholly incapable of judging the comedic merit of any one attempt to be funny. It’s the same stupidity that every parody account pumps-and-dumps and that their armies of brain-less followers will retweet without second thought. It doesn’t even ATTEMPT to write in character or anything. It makes “topical” jokes about Justin Bieber and Twilight and “MIND = BLOWN” linkbait posts. That, plus the wonderful plethora of racism and slut shaming make this account wholly abhorrent.

How to end the Friendship: Invite your friends over, and when they all come walking through the door, tell the offender “Not you, Fat Jesus” and slap them in the face.

worstof theworst

7. @uberfacts/@wtffacts, etc.If you have a great thirst for knowledge and the IQ of a gnat these accounts are perfect for you, as they not only make sure all of their facts are easy-to-digest exercises in stupidity, but they usually just make shit up. The word “fact” is used about as loosely as the word “parody” on Twitter, and these guys epitomize that. For every post that is actually a legitimate, reputable, provable piece of information, there are six that prove that sad lonely losers in the 11th grade are truly the greatest people on earth and that all the popular kids are secretly neo-Nazis who will eventually live in trailer parks.

Notice a trend? Preying on stupid people and immature high school kids, and reposting the same stuff as everyone else on top of it, makes for a knockout Twitter account follower-wise, and a complete dearth of intellect and humor on your timeline. This account is a one-trick pony, except the pony is filled with shit and every time you try and ride it; it tries to give you a lobotomy. They may not be as bad in terms of attempts at humor as others on this list, but they have one thing few other terrible accounts do: they’re verified. Twitter found it within them to verify this pillar to the sheep-like nature and general stupidity of the average person. Incredible.

How to end the Friendship: Just tell them that you read on Twitter that your friendship increases your likelihood of an early death, and that it has to be true because it’s on the internet.

6. @lord_voldemort7Harry Potter is one of the most incredible cultural phenomena of all time. Between absurd book and movies sales, career-making roles for many of it actors, and the cult-like devotion of its most loyal followers, the story of The Boy Who Lived is one that has permeated our culture. A Twitter account pretending to roleplay as Tom riddle himself was created to tweet about things that are completely unrelated to the Harry Potter universe, the next obvious step in a natural progression.

If this account stuck to tweeting stupid shit about Harry Potter for people who cannot seem to escape their own childhoods that’s perfectly fine and inoffensive, but it recycles the same faux-relevant jokes everyone else does most of the time, and people retweet it because “OMG VOLDEMOrT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT rIHANNA,” because people are stupid. Over two million followers watch some idiot masquerading as a (dead) fictional character as he tries to relate to every special snowflake who thinks they’re the only person who “hates everyone.”

If your obsession with Harry Potter has gotten to the point where your main source of humor must come from a Voldemort role-play account, you should probably find a hobby, because you’re a hyper-obsessive weirdo. The added terribleness of this dumpster fire of a Twitter account making references to Mean Girls, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Nickelback take it from being awful and stupid and weird to a world-class atrocity. If you follow this account you deserve eternal suffering.

How to end the Friendship: Kill their parents.

Ah yes, subjective bullshit stats about high school pettiness. The ultimate fact if we’ve ever seen it.

Ah yes, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown are the exact type of topics that The Dark Lord Voldemort would tweet about if he had a Twitter handle. Bonus abuse humor, because battering women is always funny!

read More oNliNe theblacKsheeponline.com

15

CheCk us out today!

crosswordFasHion piecesaCrOss3) The film Flashdance made them popular, two words.5) Super ugly, comfortable shoes.6) Zip-up or pullover, everyone owns a favorite one of these.7) Decorative button to fasten the cuff of a dress shirt.9) This one piece suit makes using the bathroom difficult.10) Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the what?11) These type of slip-on female shoes will make your feet sweat.12) Terribly blends together two bot-toms.15) Girls wear them as pants all the time.17) This trendy type of dress covers the whole body.18) Working class men originated this fashion piece.

dOWn1) Popular trousers in the 60s and 70s, two words.2) The husband will take this off his

bridge at the wedding, tossing it into the crowd.4) Keeps your little hearing vessels warm.8) Pleated, Scottish skirt.13) Ashton Kutcher popularized this accessory in the 2000s, two words.14) If you wear a top and bottom of this fabric, you’re wearing a Canadian tux-edo.16) Hippies wear this kind of jewelry, man.

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