Minerva 2011

Minerva 2011The Stoneleigh-Burnham School

Literary & Art Magazine

Minerva 2011The Stoneleigh-Burnham School

Literary & Art Magazine

Dedicated to Jeremy Deason

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

~ Buddha

Thank you for giving your heart to SBS.

Table Of Contents

Covers....................... Love.in.Mask.World.comics,.Kina.Jia.Yi.Meng.Shen,.pencil.Page.1..................................................... Color.of.Emptiness,.May.Dong,.a.poemPage.2......................................Self-Portrait,.HyeJin.Park,.pencil.&.colored.pencilPage.3....................................................... A.Leap.of.Faith,.Nhyira.Asante,.fictionPage.7...........................................Blue.Shadow,.Mikaela.DeGroote,.digital.photoPage.8.............................................The.Dance,.Rissy.Dowrey,.creative.nonfictionPage.10........................................You.With.the.Name,.Charlotte.Minsky,.a.poemPage.11................................................... Link’s.Eye,.Callan.Franchi,.digital.photoPage.12.......................................Memory,.Anita.Weiyan.Liao,.creative.nonfictionPage.16...................................................Self-Portrait,.Book.Israsena.Na,.paintingPage.17.......................................The.Most.Beautiful,.Portia.Yoo-Jung.Ra,.a.poem.Page.18..................................... A.Good.One,.Emily.Mangan,.creative.nonfictionPage.23................................Transformer,.Jane.Lee,.double.exposure.digital.photoPage.24...............Beautiful.Chaos,.Zoë.Mancuso-Dunkelberg,.creative.nonfictionPage.25............................................................Bridge,.Tina.Yingjing.Lu,.paintingPage.26................................................. My.Name,.Yiping.Xu,.creative.nonfictionPage.29........................................................... Roosters,.Dasom.Yoon,.monotypesPage.30.............................................................Starving,.Emily.Hewlings,.a.poemPage.32............................................................... Marley,.Kelly.Siok,.digital.photoPage.33..........................................................................Action,.Yue.Wang,.fiction.Page.35..................................... Through.Glass,.Portia.Yoo-Jung.Ra,.digital.photoPage.36......................................My.Role.Model,.Asma.Amin,.creative.nonfictionPage.38............................................. J.is.for.Jordyn,.Jordyn.Pigott,.colored.pencilPage.39...............................................................Untitled,.Fiona.Sullivan,.a.poemPage.40...........................................Mothers.In.Turn,.Phoebe.Ying.Zhang,.fictionPage.41.....................................................Best.Friends,.Jessica.Gale,.digital.photoPage.42.......................................... Did.I.Wake.Up?,.Jane.Lee,.creative.nonfictionPage.44.............................................Giraffe.Mask,.Nafisatou.Mounkaila,.ceramicPage.45..............................................Beware.of.the.Dogs!,.Denise.Bremar,.fictionPage.47...................................................From.Dark.to.Light,.Mary.Pura,.a.poemPage.48................................................. Anita,.Yvonne.I-Wen.Wang,.digital.photoPage.49................Ready.or.Not,.Here.I.come,.Lizzy.Galluzzo,.creative.nonfictionPage.53.............................Stoneleigh-Burnham.School.Literary.Society.MembersPage.53...................................................................................Acknowledgements

Color of EmptinessMay Dong

This.world.is.so.full

Of.emptiness

Of.things.scarce

There.are.many

Of.men.wise

There.are.foolishly.few

In.the.eyes.of.the.visioned

The.world.is.in.shades.of.gray

In.the.eyes.of.the.blind.man

The.world.is.full.of.colors.

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Self-Portrait, HyeJin Park, pencil & colored pencil

A Leap of FaithNhyira Asante

For the slaves of the worldThere can be freedom from slavery, just find it.

. The.burning.sun.beats.down.on.my.back.as.I.rip.weeds.from.the.ground..I.soak.it.in,.tilt.my.head.back,.and.smile..I.look.at.the.land,.the.striking,.green,.land..The.land.where.cattle.graze,.where.swift.gazelle.run.gracefully,.where.powerful.leopards.kill.so.brutally.it’s.almost.beautiful..I.look.up.from.my.little.garden,.where.exquisite.flowers.bloom,.and.butterflies.drink. in. their.nectar. and. stare. at. the.wide.expanse.of.bright.blue.sky..I.feel.so.free.and.proud..So.strong.and.wise..I.am.overcome.by.a.strong.impulse.to.do.Adowa,.the.dance.my.people.(The.Ashanti.people).are.so.fa-mous.for..I.restrain.myself.and.instead.pull.the.last.of.the.weeds.out.of.the.soft,.moist.ground..I.heard.a.loud.voice.calling.my.name.. “Abena!”.My.mother.calls.. “I’m.coming.Mama!”.I.brush.the.dirt.from.my.beautiful.kente.cloth.and.hurry.to.meet.her... “Yes.Ma?”.I.address.her.respectfully;.it.is.what.she.deserves.as.my.elder.and.my.mother.. “Are.you.done.with.your.garden?”. “Yes.Ma,”.I.reply.. “Come.on.I.need.to.show.you--”. She.is.interrupted.by.a.sharp,.high.whistle,.followed.by.the.ceremonial.drums... “What.is.it?”.I.ask.her.fearfully..They.only.drum.the.ceremonial.drums.when.there.is.about.to.be.a.war.. She.doesn’t.answer-.instead.she.closes.her.eyes.in.dread.. “Ma.m∃.pa.wo.chow..Di∃n.n∃.∃.co.so?”.Mother please, what is going on?. “It.is.the.white.man,”.she.replies,.and.in.her.voice.there.is.a.chilling.fear..It.is.the.kind.of.emotion.that.tells.me.to.run;.run.far,.far.away... “The.white.man?”.I.ask;.and.I.hear.it.in.my.voice;.the.inside.of.the.tomb;.the.soul.sucking.terror.that.has.my.mother.trembling.with.unsuppressed.horror.. “Get.your.brothers,”.she.orders... “But.where.is.Papa?”.I.ask.in.panic.. “I.will.find.him..I.will.meet.you.here.as.soon.as.I.do.”.. I.nod.frantically.and.run.into.the.hut..My.twin.brothers.Kwame.and.Kofi.are.sleeping.peacefully..As.I.watch.them,.a.sense.of.guilt.envelops.me,.and.I.regret.the.violence.I.am.about.to.bring.into.their.worlds..A.tiny.crystalline.tear.slides.down.my.cheeks.and.I.move.to.carry.them..Then.the.door.is.blasted.open.. Three.pale.men.with.white.skin.I.have.never.seen.before.enter..They.speak.in.a.harsh.guttural.language.that.I.do.not.understand..They.point.earnestly.at.Kwame.and.Kofi.and.I.try.to.shield.them..They.start.to.move.towards.me.and.the.twins.as.I.try.to.shield.them.with.my.body..It.doesn’t.work..Kwame.and.Kofi.are.ripped.out.of.my.arms..I.shriek.“Ge.mou!.Leave.them.alone!.STOP!.Jai!.They.are.only.babies!”

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. I.shake.with.sobs.and.cry.earnestly,.but.they.ignore.me..I.beat.at.them.with.my.fist.and.scream,.but.they.ignore.me..I.howl.in.rage.and.fear.and.sorrow,.but.they.take.no.notice..It.is.like.I.am.nothing..Not.a.human,.not.even.a.fly.—.just.nothing..One.of.the.three.men.begins.to.walk.towards.me.and.I.back.into.the.hut.wall..“Don’t.come.close.to.me!.Leave.me.alone!.Why.are.you.here?.Why.can’t.you.go.back.to.that.hell-hole.you.came.from?!”. He.takes.no.notice.of.my.screams.and.cries.and.reaches.for.me.roughly..“Let.go!”.I.scream.as.I.struggle.fiercely..I.am.overwhelmed.by.disgust.and.hatred,.and.that.gives.me.strength..Not.enough.though.—.not.nearly.enough..Still,.I.try.to.get.free..He.drags.me.outside.where.I.am.horrified.to.see.my.whole.family.. “Mama!.Papa!”.I.shout..“Why.are.they.doing.this?.What.monsters.are.these?!.Why.can’t.they.just.leave.us.alone?”. I.wish.I.hadn’t.spoken..My.mother.seems.overcome.with.some.emotion.and.she.rushes.towards.me..She.doesn’t.make.it.five.steps..My.ears.ring.from.the.sound.of.something.exploding.and.as.the.cloud.of.smoke.clears,.I.see.my.mother..My.proud,.beautiful.mother.lying.face.down.on.the.dusty.floor,.blood.blossoming.all.over.her.kente..Something.in.me.tears..My.heart.stops.and.for.a.second.I.die..Blood.rushes.in.my.ears.and.I.can’t.hear.anything.above.my.loud.heartbeat..Thoughts.race.through.my.head.at.warped.speed..She.isn’t.dead..This.isn’t.happening..The.woman.who.had.given.birth.to.me,.nursed.me.for.my.12.years,.loved.me,.is.not.lying.dead.on.the.floor..But.she.is.. I.resist.the.voice.in.every.fiber.of.my.being.telling.me.to.run.to.my.mother..The.tiny.inkling.of.self-preservation.I.have.locks.my.muscles..I.can’t.move,.I.can’t.speak,.I.can.barely.breathe..I.can.just.stand.by.and.watch.the.world.that.I.had.so.perfectly.preserved.crumble.into.dust.all.around.me..Chaos.reigns..People.run.around.fearfully.as.white.men.chase.them..Fires.rage.and.the.peaceful,.beautiful.land.that.I.had.been.admiring.so.avidly.is.gone..In.its.place.is.a.burning,.ugly.mess..I.am.shaken.out.of.my.reverie.when.a.rough.hand.grabs.me..It.is.a.white.man.with.yellowish.hair..He.pushes.me.into.the.line.where.some.women.and.children.are.standing,.and.shackles.me.with.heavy.metal.cuffs..For.a.second,.I.consider.struggling.but.I.know.it.would.be.in.vain..I.close.my.eyes.to.blot.out.the.sight.of.blood,.and.tears.and.horror..I.long.to.stop.my.ears.with.my.fingers.or.cover.my.nose.with.my.hand.to.stop.the.sound.of.the.screams.in.my.ears,.and.keep.the.acrid.smell.of.smoke.out.of.my.nose,.but.the.cold.metal.bands.around.my.wrists.reminded.me.that.I.can’t..They.remind.me.that.I.will.never.be.free.again..

***

. We.had.walked.about.twenty-five.miles.and.I.ached..My.heart.was.like.lead.in.my.chest.and.the.soles.of.my.feet.were.blistered,.raw.and.bleeding..My.face.was.dirty.and.smudged.with.filth.and.the.tracks.of.my.tears.created.little.paths.on.my.cheeks..I.felt-.defeated..Like.I’d.never.smile.again..For.me,.there.was.no.reason.to..My.life.was.finished..I.had.been.reduced.to.little.more.than.an.insignificant.animal.because.of.the.color.of.my.skin..As.I.trudged.on,.absolutely.beaten,.I.looked.around.me..I.looked.at.the.women.of.my.tribe.shackled.together.in.defeat.and.my.heart.broke..I.longed.to.

help.them,.help.us,.but.even.as.I.thought.it,.the.crushing.weight.of.helplessness.bore.down.on.me..No.matter.how.much.I.tried.to.think.we.had.a.chance,.the.manacles.told.me.that.I.didn’t..They.weighed.down.on.my.wrists,.they.chafed.at.my.skin,.they.oppressed.my.spirit..We.had.been.walking.for.ages..The.heavy.sun.beat.down.on.our.backs,.and.though.we.were.used.to.it,.it.seemed.hotter,.fiercer.than.usual..Perhaps.it.was.because.we.were.being.made.to.walk.against.our.will;.perhaps.it.was.because.we.were.being.forced.to.undertake.this.terrible.journey..I.had.been.watching.our.cap-tors,.and.they.were.monsters..They.were.brutal.and.unforgiving,.knocking.down.old.ladies.when.they.faltered,.slapping.babies.when.they.cried..To.me,.they.were.soulless,.wicked.demons,.and.it.surprised.me.when.they.prayed..How.could.they.pray.to.a.god.when.they.treated.human.beings.like.this?.How.could.they.prostrate.themselves.in.front.of.a.higher.power,.with.such.soiled.and.blackened.consciences?.Didn’t.they.have.families?.Didn’t.they.have.hearts?.The.most.brutal.of.their.actions.were.orchestrated.when.girls.became.complacent.or.lethargic..They.would.be.dragged.out.of.the.line.and.taken.to.the.thick.bush..I.didn’t.know.what.happened.to.them,.but.I.heard.the.screams..They.were.raw.uninhibited.sounds.of.agony,.and.they.pierced.my.heart..The.shrieks.would.carry.on.for.a.while,.and.then.all.you’d.hear.were.the.whimpers;.the.whimpers.of.a.shattered.person..When.the.white.men.came.back.with.the.girls,.they.had.a.swagger.about.them..They.laughed.and.joked.and.mocked.us..And.that’s.when.I.realized.just.how.monstrous.these.people.were..I.heard.the.screams.of.the.girls.and.knew.that.they.were.suffering..I.could.not.imagine.what.kind.of.‘human’.could.do.this.to.another.human.

***

. Fifty.miles..Four.days..Three.nights.. I.had.gotten.about.a.bucket.of.water. in.between,.and.no.food..Sometimes.I.wondered.for.how.long.I.could.go.on.like.this..I.realized.that.we.were.heading.south,.getting.closer.to.the.coasts..The.smell.of.salt.and.brine.filled.my.nose,.and.the.changing.scenery.told.me.that.we.were.heading.towards.Elmina..I.knew.the.coastal.people..My.cousin.Kwabena.had.married.a.coastal.girl..Her.family.had.been.pleasant,.respectable..I.had.enjoyed.my.stay.there..The.wedding,.which.had.been.beautiful,.seemed.like.a.distant.dream..I.never.thought.I’d.be.coming.back.there.as.a.pack.animal.to.be.sold.into.slavery..The.white.men.were.getting.worse..It.seemed.like.they.hadn’t.gotten.the.payment.that.had.been.promised.to.them..They.had.been.taking.more.girls.than.ever,.and.my.friend.Afua.had.been.taken.twice..I.tried.to.ask.her.what.had.happened.but.she.would.not.reply..I.had.been.able.to.avoid.being.taken,.by.trudging.on.determinedly,.but.I.knew.that.if.we.did.not.get.to.our.destination.soon,.I.would.be.

***

. We.were.there..Elmina.Castle..It.loomed.tall.and.imposing,.and.I.could.sense.an.evil.aura.around.it..The.screams.of.captives.echoed.in.the.cavernous.castle,.and.the.overpowering.smell.of.feces.and.urine,.mixed.with.decaying.bodies.and.dead.fish,.permeated.the.air..As.we.were.marched.into.the.castle,.people.in.the.line.began.to.

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lose.it..Afua.began.screaming.and.yelling,.as.if.she.were.going.mad..The.white.men.tried.to.shut.her.up,.but.she.wouldn’t.be.quiet..They.dragged.her.from.the.line.and.I.closed.my.eyes.in.dread,.as.I.envisioned.the.strange.torture.being.inflicted.on.her.yet.again..I.was.wrong..They.picked.Afua.up.and.tossed.her.into.the.raging.sea.below..Her.screams.pervaded.the.air.for.a.while,.then.were.cut.off.abruptly,.as.she.fell.into.the.ocean..I.had.no.hope.of.her.swimming.to.safety..Everyone.knows.Asante.people.cannot.swim..I.felt.a.hollow.ache.in.my.heart.for.I.knew.I.had.just.lost.my.best.friend..The.white.men.did.not.stop.the.line.however,.because.they.did.not.pity.our.grief..They.marched.us.deeper. into. the.castle..We.headed. toward.a.door. that.had. these.words.written.in.Twi.on.it..It.said.“Ce w0 c0 a, w0n t0me in ba fi∃.”.I.knew.what.it.was..The.infamous.Door.of.No.Return..It.led.into.a.little.room,.with.a.tiny.window.on.the.top..Further.on,.there.was.a.staircase.and.it.led.downward.to.the.open.ocean..There.was.a.boat.there,.and.I.knew.once.I.got.on.that.boat,.I.would.never.see.Ghana.again..The.white.men.unshackled.us.with.cautionary.glances,.but.they.knew.that.we.weren’t.going.anywhere..As.I.looked.around.me,.at.the.frightened.faces.of.my.people,.a.sense.of.courage.gripped.me..I.felt.calm,.almost.peaceful,.as.I.realized.what.I.had.to.do..Being.sold.into.slavery.because.of.the.color.of.my.skin.was.an.unimaginable.fate..I.knew.I.would.never.accept.it..I.smiled.sadly.at.them.and.said,.“MEN.MA.OMO.IN.YE.WO.TE.SE.WO.YE.INCRAMIN.”.Don’t let them treat you like dogs..Then.I.ran.and.leaped,.into.the.raging.ocean.below.

Remember ThisWhen.the.sea.cries,When.the.sun.burns,Fight.with.all.your.might,For.things.to.turn,When.the.earth.opens,When.the.air.breathes,Remember.this.token,Remember.this.dream.

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Blue Shadow, Mikaela DeGroote, digital photo

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The DanceRissy Dowrey

. It.was.coming..That.ever.so.distinct.pressure.in.my.lower.abdomen,.made.worse.by.the.bumps.of.the.bus.as.we.flew.through.Hartford..My.heart.beat.increased.and.my. throat. tightened.with.anxiety,.making.my.breathing. shallow.as. if. I.was.going.to.begin.to.hyperventilate,.right.then.and.there..I.drew.my.knees.up.into.the.green.fabric.of.the.seat.in.front.of.me.and.grasped.them,.holding.them.to.my.chest.with.all.my.might..I.had.been.looking.forward.to.this.dance,.fantasizing.about.dancing.and.talking.with.girls.and.doing.The.Cotton-Eyed.Joe.with.all.my.friends,.but.the.night.had.just.taken.a.turn.for.the.terrifying.and.humiliating:.I.had.to.use.the.restroom... “Court,”.I.whispered,.poking.my.friend.in.the.seat.next.to.me,.“I.gotta.go.to.the.bathroom.”.She.leaned.back.in.her.seat.and.pursed.her.lips.ever.so.slightly... “Yo.Tillula,.Nafisatou,.Kate;.Rissy’s.gotta.pee!”.The.girls.in.the.seat.in.front.of.us.turned.their.attention.to.Courtney.as.if.she.was.their.commander.and.they.were.agents,.waiting.for.their.mission..They.all.nodded.and.reassured.me:.We.got.your.back.Rissy,.don’t.worry.about.a.thing..I.jokingly.asked.for.a.water.bottle.instead,.saying.I.would.rather.use.that..They.all.laughed.and.returned.to.their.previous.engagement.while.I.continued.to.look.out.the.window..The.foliage.and.buildings.flew.by.as.our.bus.moved.through.the.night.and.I.wished.that.I.had.gone.home.for.the.night.like.my.mother.wanted.me.to... Within. the. next. minute,. or. so. it. seemed,. we. arrived. at. Avon.. The. busload.cheered,.and.after.reviewing.the.rules.once.more,.ran.as.fast.as.their.four-inch.heels.would.allow.to.the.gym..I.was.the.last.off.the.bus.and.I.thought.my.friends.might.have. forgotten. me,. but. as. I. approached. the. gym. I. saw. them. all. waiting. for. me,.arms.folded,.exuding.confidence.and.brutality,.like.a.swarm.of.bodyguards..My.heart.lifted;.I.didn’t.have.to.do.this.alone... We.walked.through.the.navy.and.maroon.hallways.until.we.found.the.bathroom.with.a.line.almost.out.the.door..We.assumed.our.positions.and.it.began..The.staring,.the.snickers,.the.gossip.with.their.friends;.each.girl.that.walked.out.of.the.bathroom.looked.me.up.and.down.and.wondered,.what.is.HE.doing.in.the.girl’s.bathroom?.. One.brunette.with.make-up.like.a.raccoon.stopped.in.front.of.me..“Wait…”.she.said,.looking.puzzled.at.my.short.hair.and.baggy.jeans..Kate.saw.the.confusion.and.began.to.come.to.my.aid,.but.I.held.her.off.with.a.look.of.determination..I.had.to.do.this.on.my.own... “I’m.a.girl,”.I.said.politely..When.she.didn’t.walk.away.I.looked.her.straight.in.the.eyes..I.joked,.“it’s.ok,.I.promise,.I’m.just.a.lesbian.”.She.stumbled.away.awkwardly.and.perplexed,. but.my. friends. and. I.were. smiling..They. slapped.me.on. the.back.in.congratulations.and.ruffled.my.hair,.proud..A.big,. toothy.grin.came.across.my.face. and. I. felt. on. top. of. the. world.. In. that. moment. I. was. one. hundred. percent.comfortable.in.my.own.skin,.regardless.of.my.location.or.others’.opinions..I.finished,.gave.myself. the.final.once-over. in. the.mirror,.and.I. smiled.and.waved.at. the.girls.staring.when.I.came.out.the.door..

9

. As.we.walked.towards.the.gym,.I.looked.at.my.group.of.friends..We.strode.like.a.sports.team.walking.to.the.dance.hall,.victory.clinched,.ready.to.receive.our.much-deserved.praise.. Their.words.of.encouragement.and.congratulations.resonated.with.me.as.we.danced.the.rest.of.the.night.away,.and.the.more.I.replayed.their.words.in.my.head,.the.taller.I.carried.myself.and.the.larger.the.bounce.in.my.steps.grew..They.were.right,.of.course;.they.had.supported.me,.but.I.was.the.one.who.went.through.with.it.in.the.end..Each.time.I.conquered.one.fear,.with.the.support.of.the.ones.I.love,.I.grew.stronger.and.more.comfortable.in.my.own.skin,.and.I.knew.soon.I.would.not.need.them.anymore..Soon.I.would.walk.into.the.women’s.bathroom.without.a.second.thought,.and.I.would.proudly.state.my.feminine.name.when.I.stood.up.to.speak.at.a.debate.or.meeting.in.my.suit.and.tie..Soon.I.would.wear.my.short,.blonde.hair.and.men’s-cut.jeans.with.the.ease.and.comfort.of.any.other.woman.in.a.skirt.and.blouse,.and.I.would.do.it.all.on.my.own,.remembering.the.strength.I.had.been.given.by.the.amazing.people.in.my.life.and.the.lessons.I.have.taken.away.from.them..

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You With the NameCharlotte Minsky

Locked.inside.a.nameA.name.which.should.mean.nothingRattling.the.barsTrapped.insideA.name.that.means.worldsBut.I.have.never.said.my.nameI.don’t.hold.my.own.keyYou.with.the.nameCan.you.set.me.free?

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Link’s Eye, Callan Franchi, digital photo

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MemoryAnita Weiyan Liao

. I.close.my.eyes.

. I.see.him.playing.chess.there,.in.front.of.me..He.hits.the.edge.of.the.desk.with.the.forefinger.of.his.right.hand.. “Hurry.up,”.he.says.. His.voice.is.long.and.low,.sounds.calm.and.proud..There.is.no.way.he.will.lose.the.game..He.is.the.best,.always,.forever.. Then.he.turns.to.me,.glances.at.my.hands.which.are.under.my.jaw..“Why.are.you.here?.Want.to.learn.to.play.chess?”. I.look.up.at.him..The.golden.sun.is.outside.the.building.in.the.sky,.behind.him.and.right.in.my.eyes..It.seems.like.he.is.shining.in.the.sunset,.and.I.just.cannot.see.his.face.. Are.you.smiling?.Or.you.are.just.looking.down.at.me,.with.the.same.counte-nance.as.you.are.looking.down.at.the.chess.board?. “You.want.to.learn?”.He.asks.again,.with.the.long.low.voice.. I.shake.my.head.. “I.can.teach.you,”.he.says,.pretending.he.did.not.see.me.refuse.. “Go.away,”.I.say.

. The.dream.ends..I.wake.up.tiredly,.trying.hard.to.recall.what.I.saw.in.the.dream.

. My.brain.turns.blank,.doesn’t.work..All.my.memories.go.away,.even.though.I.have.tried.my.best.to.keep.them.. I.remember.I.put.my.hands.under.my.jaw,.and.looked.up.at.him..The.sun.was.in.my.eyes,.shining.and.burning..His.face.was.hiding.from.the.glory.. There.must.be.something.wrong,.I.think..It.can’t.happen..I.love.him.most.and.miss.him.most,.and.one.day.I.wake.up,.finding.I.cannot.remember.his.face.. I.see.him.look.down.at.me,.smiling.and.shining..“I.can.teach.you.”. His.voice.is.long.and.low,.sounds.calm.and.proud.. His.face.is.in.the.sun,.shining.and.burning.together.

. We.sat.on.the.roof..The.floor.was.dusty.and.burned..I.was.sitting.beside.him,.holding.myself.tightly..My.face.was.in.my.arm,.and.then.I.turned.my.head,.looked.at.the.side.of.face.. “Which.girl.do.you.like?”.I.asked,.hesitantly.and.deliberately.. He.did.not.even.look.at.me..No.reply..As.I.thought.I.would.never.get.the.answer,.he.said.with.his.low.long.voice,.“Have.a.guess.”. Actually.I.didn’t.need.to.have.a.guess..I.knew.who.she.was,.and.he.knew.who.she.was.. “Amy?”. No.. “No.”. “Christine?”. No.

13

. “No.”

. “Wendy?”

. No.

. “No.”

. I.said.all.the.girls.in.the.class,.except.one.

. I.knew.who.she.was,.and.he.knew.who.she.was.

. “Who.is.she?.I.have.already.said.all.the.names..Or.actually.you.do.not.like.any-one..Are.you.kidding.me?”.I.turned.my.face.aside,.kept.my.eyes.on.my.arms.. He.did.not.answer..We.kept.silent.for.a.while,.and.then.he.said,.“It’s.you.”. Yes.it’s.me.. I.knew.it.was.me.. I.am.the.girl.. “You.are.kidding.me.”.I.held.myself.tightly,.and.put.my.face.into.my.arms.. No,.I.am.not.. I.heard.my.heart.beating,.fast.and.heavily,.it.sounded.like.I.was.sick.. I.was.dizzy.and.out.of.breath..I.was.trembling.. I.was.sick.

. I.think.I.heard.him.say.it,.I.heard.him.say.“No.I.am.not,”.but.I.do.not.remem-ber..All.I.could.see.at.that.time.was.the.darkness..All.I.could.hear.at.that.time.was.my.heartbeat.. I.am.wearing.my.headphones,.and.the.singers.keep.singing.the.same.lyrics.over.and.over.again.. He.doesn’t.understand.. Yes.he.doesn’t.understand..He.didn’t.understand.and.will.never.understand.. Even.I.cannot.understand,.why.I.am.crying.for.him.now,.three.years.later..I.have.already.forgotten.everything..My.brain.is.totally.blank..I.forget.his.face.and.his.voice;.I.cannot.remember.what.he.exactly.said.and.how.he.exactly.acted..The.only.thing.I.can.remember.is.there.is.a.man,.and.how.I.loved.him.and.how.I.am.loving.and.miss-ing.him.and.trying.to.get.rid.of.him.and.failing.again.and.again.

. His.forefinger.was.knocking.at.the.edge.of.the.desk,.and.I.was.sitting.beside.him,.looking.at.him.knocking.at.the.desk.. “Guess.who.my.idol.is,”.he.suddenly.said,.and.kept.knocking.at.the.desk.. “Who?”.I.asked.immediately,.without.a.second.thought.. “Adolf.Hitler.”.He.smiled.mystically.and.proudly.. I.thought.my.countenance.looked.funny.at.that.moment..He.laughed.. “Yes.he.definitely.is.not.a.good.man,.but.he.is.smart.and.powerful,.and.ambi-tious..That’s.a.man..He.is.the.greatest.man.in.history..He.wants.the.whole.world,.and.he.almost.gets.it.”.He.turned.and.looked.at.me.in.the.eyes..I.saw.his.eyes.were.filled.with.excitement,.expectation.and.earnestness.. That’s.a.man.. I.caught.my.breath.. “Yes,. he. certainly. is.”. I. said,. looking. at. those. shining. eyes,.without. a. second.thought.

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. I.had.never.thought.that.Adolf.Hitler.was.a.great.man.and.had.never.idolized.him..Adolf.Hitler.was.his.idol.and.he.was.my.idol..That’s.all.

. I.open.the.yearbook..He.is.playing.chess.in.it..I.touch.the.side.of.his.face.and.try.to.recall.details.about.him..He.is.thin.and.tall,.with.pale.long.fingers.and.protruding.eyes..I.remember.I.picked.the.nickname.“goldfish”.for.him.on.the.first.day.he.came.into.the.class.. Time.flies..I.close.the.yearbook.and.put. it.away..It.has.been.three.years.since.then.. I.still.remember.how.he.looked.happy.and.excited.when.he.talked.about.how.he.had.just.found.Adolf.Hitler’s.Mein Kampf.on.the.Internet.and.stuck.it.to.his.blog.. How.ridiculous..I.have.forgotten.his.face,.but.still.remember.the.excitement.and.childishness.in.his.eyes.. It. seems. like. he. is. living. in. my. memory,. in. my. imagination,. and. has. never.changed..Time.stops.at.that.moment..Someone.has.taken.a.camera.and.shot.those.shining.eyes.and.stuck.them.into.my.brain.. The. cell. phone. suddenly. beeps.. It. is. a. message.. His. message.. “Hey,. how. are.things.going?”. “Good.”.I.press.four.letters,.and.a.period,.then.the.send.button.. After.a.few.seconds,.a.new.message.comes.again..“What.are.you.doing?”. “Reading.novels,”.I.reply,.as.simple.as.I.can,.impatiently.. The.messages.keep.coming,.“What.novels?”. I.finally.lose.my.patience,.“Nothing.”. “Are.you.busy?”. I.hesitate.a.second,.“No.”. I.actually.want.to.say.“Yes.”.I.want.to.tell.him.I.am.busy.now..I.am.busy.recalling.you..Not.the.real.you,.but.the.you.living.in.my.memory.with.the.faint.face.and.long.low.voice.and.shining.eyes.. “Do.I.disturb.you?”. “No.”. Then.I.hesitate.. It.sounds.so.funny..I.am.busying.recalling.you..I.am.so.busy.that.I.cannot.even.talk.with.you.. I.hold.my.cell.phone.for.a.few.minutes..No.more.new.messages..It.seems.like.he.will.not.talk.with.me.any.more..I.put.the.phone.down,.and.walk.toward.my.com-puter.. The.phone.beeps.again.. “You.changed.”. I.read.the.last.message,.and.then.turn.off.my.phone.. I.throw.it.on.my.bed,.return.to.the.computer,.and.open.his.blog..There.are.his.recent.pictures.and.articles.about.his.daily.life..There.are.comments.from.his.friends.and.his.replies..They.talk.about.the.NBA.stars,.worry.about.homework.and.complain.about.the.food.in.school..I.skip.to.the.last.page.and.finally.find.Adolf.Hitler’s.Mein Kampf..It.is.lying.there.silently.and.proving.that.you,.not.Hitler,.were.the.one.living.in.my.memory..

15

. That’s.a.man.

. I.still.see.those.shining.eyes,.with.great.excitement.and.ambition.in.them..But.they.are.now.on.the.last.page.of.your.blog;.it.seems.like.no.one.remembers.them.and.no.one.cares.about.them.. I.can.remember.how.close.we.were..I.can.see.how.distant.we.are.. You.changed..Not.me.. I. am. still. there,. beside. your. desk,. looking. at. you. playing. chess. and. guessing.which.girl.you.like.and.listening.to.you.talk.about.Adolf.Hitler.and.trying.hard.to.remember.your.every.single.sentence.and.movement.. I.did.not.change.at.all..I.am.still.there..I.never.left.. You.left.me.alone.. And.empty.

. I.can.feel.the.emptiness.inside.me..I.can.feel.my.life.is.turning.hollow.and.pale.as.I.grow.up.. I.am.still.there..Something.is.pulling.me.away.from.the.whole.world.and.making.me.stay.there..I.am.standing.there.and.seeing.things.pass.by.me.and.leave.me.alone.. You.have.left..And.then.my.memories.about.you.have.also.left.. All.the.things.seem.hazy.and.in.pieces.. I.am.in.pieces.

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Self-Portrait, Book Israsena Na, painting

17

The Most BeautifulPortia Yoo-Jung Ra

Spring.

Like.a.white.magnolia.blossom.stealthily.effloresce.receiving.sunbeams.on.a.dazzling.morning,.

Summer..

Like.a.crystalline.raindrop.clearly.forms.on.a.leafafter.a.rainfall,.

Autumn.

Like.a.watercolor.sky.picturesquely.tingeing.the.worldat.nightfall,

Winter.

Like.those.stars.imprinted.at.a.distance.brightly.lightening.up.the.moonless.night.sky,.

her.smiling.face.was.ever.more.beautiful.than.a.flower,her.tears.were.ever.more.clear.than.the.dews.of.an.early.morning,her.heart.was.ever.more.warm.than.the.autumnal.trees.of.late.fall.

As.for.me,.my.mother.is.

a.flower.that.can.never.be.replaced.with.any.other.kind,.a.star.that.lightens.the.mind.so.bright,.

a.remarkably.high.sky,.and.one.and.only.

the.most.beautiful.of.the.universe.

18

A Good OneEmily Mangan

. As.I.walk.through.the.empty.playground,.something.over.from.the.other.side.near.the.fence.catches.my.eye..I.go.over.and.pick.it.up;.I.turn.it.in.my.hands.and.examine. it.. It’s.dirty,. still.covered. in.dirt.and.woodchips.. I.brush. it.off.to.try.and.uncover.its.former.state..The.bright.green.fluorescent.color.is.faded.slightly.from.all.the.dirt..It’s.not.at.all.smooth.like.it’s.supposed.to.be,.but.has.small.bumps.from.the.fabric.being.worn.down.so.much..There.is.a.brand.name.on.it,.but.the.stickers.are.peeling.off.so.I.can’t.quite.make.out.what.it.says..“Game”.maybe,.or.even.“Gamma”..The.white.seams.of.it.are.also.starting.to.tear.off..I.hold.it.in.the.palm.of.my.hand,.squeeze.it,.and.feel.how.something.perfectly.circular.feels.right.against.my.fingertips,.like.it.has.been.the.missing.part.of.my.hand.for.my.whole.life..It.weighs.practically.nothing..I. throw.it.down.effortlessly.against.the.pavement.and.it.bounces.quickly.back.up.into.my.hands..“Yeah,”.I.think.to.myself,.“this.is.going.to.be.a.good.one.”. I.carry.a.tennis.ball.

. I.bend.over.and.put.my.hands.on.my.knees..My.chest.is.heaving..My.lungs.take.in.the.cool.fall.air.and.they.feel.like.they’re.going.to.explode.out.of.my.chest..I.look.down.at.my.feet.and.put.the.left.in.front.and.prepare.to.go..I.look.over.at.the.boy.holding.the.ball..He’s.much.bigger,.stronger,.and.throws.much.harder.than.me..All.I.know.is.that.I’m.faster.than.he.is..I’ve.known.him.for.seven.years.now,.and.I.know.how.he.thinks..He’s.always.thought.he.was.better.than.me.and.he.thinks.that.this.will.be.easy.for.him..I.take.one.last.deep.breath,.and.explode.into.a.hard.sprint..I.get.closer.and.closer.to.the.other.lunchbox.we.use.as.a.base..I.can.feel.the.ball.chasing.after.me,.right.on.my.tail..I.slide.through.the.woodchips.to.try.to.make.it.safe,.but.I.feel.the.ball.hit.me.just.a.second.before.my.foot.touches.the.lunchbox..Everyone.yells.at.me,.telling.me.that.I’m.out..I.know.this.is.true,.but.I.still.try.to.protest,.saying.that.I.am.without.a.doubt.safe,.and.that.I.am.much.faster.than.he.could.throw..The.bell.rings.to.end.recess,.and.everyone.looks.at.me,.wondering.why.I.wasted.the.rest.of.their.time.arguing.my.safety.when.we.could.have.been.playing..While.everyone.walks.inside.I.stay.out.there.alone.and.go.to.find.the.tennis.ball..Once.again.it.is.buried.beneath.the.woodchips.and.I.dust.off.all.the.dirt.and.try.to.restore.it.to.its.original.state.. I.carry.failures..I.carry.the.sound.of.heavy.running.footsteps.and.shouts.from.classmates.telling.me.that.I.lost..I.carry.splinters,.cuts,.and.bruises.from.trying.to.be.what.I.knew.I.never.could.be..

. Five. years. later. I’m. sitting. in. the. same. playground. with. my. friends. that. I’ve.known.since.I.was.four..The.four.of.us.sit.on.the.swings.and.move.our.feet.back.and.forth,. just.enough.to.get.a. little.bit.of.movement.on. them..I.have. the. tennis.ball.between.my.feet.and.I.start.to.roll.my.right.foot.over.it..We’re.talking.about.how.next.year.is.going.to.be.different..We.won’t.see.each.other.every.day.because.we’re.all.going.to.different.high.schools..We.wonder.what.next.year.is.going.to.be.like.and.

19

how.hard.it.will.be..We.talk.about.how.we.will.have.to.make.new.friends,.have.hours.more.of.homework,.and.how.I.will.have.to.adjust.to.being.in.an.all.girl’s.school..I.grip.the.chain.of.the.swing.tighter.now.while.thinking.about.being.in.a.new.school..The.chain.feels.cold.against.my.skin.and.is.so.rough.that.I.can.feel.it.stabbing.parts.of.my.hand,.but.not.quite.breaking.the.skin.yet..I.look.at.their.faces.and.can.see.them.as.little.children.again.and.can.see.them.with.spoons.on.their.noses.and.frosting.on.their.faces.without.the.least.bit.of.shame..Now.it.seems.we’re.all.grown.up..I.look.down.at.my.feet.that.have.buried.themselves.in.the.woodchips.and.see.that.the.ball.had.been.kicked.away.in.front.of.me..I.look.out.to.the.cement.playground.and.mumble,.“When.did.we.all.get.so.old?”. I.carry.the.three.of.them..I.carry.each.of.their.problems;.anorexia,.one.of.their.mother’s.drug.addiction,.and.the.false.sense.of.friendship.that.Facebook.has.given.her..I.carry.the.image.of.our.younger.selves.laughing.together,.and.crying.together..But.somehow,.none.of.them.carry.me..I.carry.the.belief.that.I.won’t.lose.them,.but.the.fear.that.they.will.lose.me..

. My.mom.and.I.make.the.long.drive.down.to.Greenfield.for.one.of.my.sister’s.softball.games..She.doesn’t.say.much.because.she.knows.I’m.deep.in.thought..Tomor-row.I.have.to.decide.where.I’ll.spend.the.next.four.years.of.school,.and.I.have.no.idea.where.I.want.to.go..As.we.pull.into.the.driveway,.I.can.smell.horse.and.fresh.cut.grass..I.look.out.the.window.to.see.a.pond.covered.with.so.much.algae.it.blends.in.with.the.grass..We.finally.make.it.to.the.field.and.I.go.to.sit.on.the.rock.next.to.the.shed..I.do.wrist.flicks.with.the.ball.against.the.shed.very.lightly.from.the.rock.until.my.mom.glares.at.me.to.stop..I.look.through.all.the.crevices.of.the.rock.and.realize.that.there.are.endless.possibilities.in.just.a.rock..At.the.same.time.it.isn’t.just.a.rock..I.have.been.sitting.here.for.three.years.every.spring..I.would.always.be.looking.out.at.the.crisp.softball.field.listening.to.the.sounds.of.cracking.aluminum.bats.and.the.pound.of.a.softball.in.a.glove..I.also.realize.that.I.am.most.likely.sitting.on.a.pile.of.ants,.and.that.this.rock.maybe.isn’t.the.best.thing.for.me.to.be.on.right.now,.but.I.figure.I’ll.take.my.chances.and.stand.up.to.my.fears.. The.game.is.in.its.last.inning.and.I.have.no.idea.what.the.score.is.or.if.they.are.playing.well..My.mom.leaves.the.other.groups.of.parents.and.comes.over.to.me.with.a.look.of.concern.of.her.face..“So,.any.thoughts.yet?”.The.question.I.had.been.dreading.but.secretly.knew.the.answer.to.all.along.is.here... I.look.out.into.the.huge.flat.field.into.the.sun..I.reply,.“Yes,.I’m.going.to.school.here.”.Her.face.fills.with.excitement.and.she.takes.me.over.to.the.Athletic.Director..I.look.up.another.two.feet.to.him.as.he.hears.the.news..He.gives.me.a.high.five.and.says.that.I’ll.do.great.here,.and.that.he’s.so.happy.that.I’m.coming..Right.then.expec-tations.are.set.and.I.think.that.I.will.be.able.to.exceed.every.thought.they.ever.had.of.me... The.next.step.is.telling.my.sister.that.I’m.invading.her.own.school.next.year..I.half.skip.down.to.her.while.she.packs.her.bag.and.tell.her.I’m.going.to.her.school..

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She.barely.notices.me.and.just.shrugs.and.says,.“I.knew.you.would.”.She.leaves,.and.so.does.everyone.else.that.was.down.at.the.field..I.am.left.sitting.there.on.the.rock.looking.out.to.the.empty.fields.and.I.wonder.if.this.is.right.. I.carry.my.sister’s.look.of.disappointment..I.carry.the.smell.of.fresh.cut.grass.and.dirt.ground.into.sweat..I.carry.my.own.high.expectations.and.everyone.else’s.expec-tations.of.me,.which.I.now.know.I.can.never.meet..I.carry.the.feeling.of.emptiness.when.I.look.out.to.that.softball.field..And.I.carry.the.feeling.that.I.was.never.wanted.there.

. We.walk.out.to.his.backyard.with.our.gloves.under.the.hot.sun..We.both.have.on.our.Derek.Jeter.shirts.with.black.shorts.and.sneakers..I’m.copying.him,.and.he.knows.it..We’re.roughly.the.same.height.at.this.age,.and.the.only.noticeable.difference.is.my.long.blonde.hair..I.have.the.tennis.ball,.but.he.insists.that.we.use.something.else..He.reaches.into.his.back.pocket.and.pulls.out.a.baseball... “Nick,.don’t..You.know.I.can’t.catch.that.well..And.you’re.pitching.to.me..What.if.I.miss.it.or.it.hits.me?”. “Oh.relax,.you’ll.be.fine,”.he.tells.me,.knowing.that.I.really.won’t.be..“Now,.drop.that.stupid.tennis.ball.and.get.ready.”.He.turns.to.walk.away.from.me.and.mumbles.under.his.breath,.“Tennis.balls.are.for.girls.anyway.”. He.goes.into.his.wind.up,.and.throws.hard..I.knock.down.the.ball.with.my.glove,.not.even.close.to.catching.it..The.next.one.is.high.and.I.jump.up.to.try.to.grab.it.but.miss.and.have.to.run.across.the.street.to.get.it..He.smirks,.and.seems.happy.that.I’m.not.as.good.as.him..His.eyes.suddenly.have.a.look.of.pure.determination,.and.he.prepares.to.throw.his.hardest.yet..The.ball.comes.at.me.fast.and.takes.one.bounce.about.three.inches.in.front.me..It.bounces.up.and.hits.me.on.my.left.arm,.right.above.my.wrist..I.look.down.and.feel.tears.start.to.come.into.my.eyes..The.bruise.is.already.growing,.and.I.have.the.imprint.of.the.seams.of.the.baseball.in.my.arm... “Come.on!”.he.shouts..“What.are.you.waiting.for?.Throw.it.back.already.”.I.swal-low.hard.to.fight.back.the.tears.and.grab.the.baseball.with.my.limp.arm.and.throw.it.to.him..I.look.down.towards.the.tennis.ball,.and.I.want.to.pick.it.up.and.throw.it.to.him.and.tell.him.to.use.it.instead.because.it.will.not.hurt.as.much..But.before.I.can.do.anything.else.another.pitch.is.fired.at.me.. I.carry.Nick,.and.that.summer.he.taught.me.how.to.play.baseball..I.carry.the.feeling.of.the.long.uncut.grass.against.my.ankles.and.the.relentless.sunburns.and.the.new.freckles.I.would.get.from.playing.catch.in.the.sun.for.hours..I.learned.how.to.fight.back.any.fear.and.the.tears.that.wanted.to.come..And.now,.I.carry.those.same.seams.on.my.left.arm..But.now,.like.everything.else.from.my.childhood,.the.seams.are.fading.and.almost.gone..I.look.forward.to.each.season.when.I.can.get.new.seams..I.carry.the.thought.that.seams.are.the.mark.that.you.get.from.hard.work,.and.without.them.I.know.I.haven’t.tried.my.absolute.hardest..

. It’s.5.a.m..on.New.Year’s.Day.and.together.we.walk.out.into.the.bitterly.cold.morning.without.direction.to.where.we’ll.go.or.what.we’ll.do..We.never.need.a.place.

21

to.go;.the.place.would.just.find.us.as.we.walked.down.the.street..We.both.know.it.probably.isn’t.the.smartest.idea.to.be.out.this.late.without.anyone.knowing.where.we.are..As.we.walk.I.hear.footsteps.quickly.approaching.behind.us..I.feel.my.heart.start.to.speed.up.as.the.shadowy.figure.begins.to.get.closer..I.lean.in.closer.to.you,.and.tell.you.that.I’m.scared..We.both.begin.to.walk.faster.to.lose.the.person.behind.us..Once.we.look.back.and.realize.that.the.person.has.left,.we.return.to.walking.at.our.normal.pace..We.come.to.a.small.pond.with.a.bench.at.the.side..We.sit.there.and.look.out.over.the.frozen.sheet.of.ice.covered.in.snow..We.sit.close.together.to.try.and.stay.warm..We.talk.about.everything.and.about.nothing.at.the.same.time..I.wish.I.had.known.you.my.whole.life.instead.of.only.these.past.few.years..I.don’t.have.to.tell.you.my.secrets.because.you.already.know.them.all..I.can.hear.the.ice.on.the.trees.cracking.as.a.light.wind.goes.by..I.feel.the.cold.enter.my.jacket.and.I.begin.to.shake.. I.can.feel.you.shaking.at.my.side.too..The.pond.is.coming.into.focus.as.the.black.night.sky.turns.a.light.shade.of.blue..We.realize.that.it.must.be.getting.early.and.we.should.probably.go.back..I.reach.into.my.pockets.to.try.and.warm.up.my.hands..I.run.my.fingers.over.the.tennis.ball..I.look.out.to.the.pond.and.almost.decide.to.throw.it.in,.but.instead.I.make.a.snowball.and.throw.it.instead..I.throw.another.snowball.at.you.and.tell.you.to.hurry.up..We.go.back.into.the.house.and.we.are.determined.to.pull.an.all-nighter,.but.I.can.feel.myself.beginning.to.sink.into.the.couch.and.my.eyes.feel.heavy..I.think.that.if.I.stare.at.you.long.enough.I.can.keep.myself.awake..Soon.the.weight.of.my.eyes.becomes.too.much.to.support,.and.when.I.wake.up.in.the.morning,.you’re.no.longer.at.my.side... I.carry.everything.you’ve.ever.said.to.me..I.carry.what.we’ve.done.together.and.what.I.hope.we’ll.do..I.carry.the.fear.that.you’ll.forget.me,.and.that.I’ll.never.see.you.again..I.carry.the.sound.of.your.laugh.and.the.look.that.you.get.when.you.come.up.with.some.mischievous.scheme..But.most.importantly,.without.knowing.it,.you.carry.me.

. I.carry.a.tennis.ball,.even.though.I.don’t.play.tennis..

. What’s.interesting.about.the.things.we.think.we.carry.is.that.they.are.probably.not.what.we.actually.carry..I.think.that.no.one.truly.knows.what.they.carry..I.can.look.back.and.think.I.carry.a.tennis.ball.because.I’ve.had.it.for.years,.but.I.really.know.that.it’s.something.that.I’ll.eventually.lose.or.throw.away.because.I.have.no.need.for.it.anymore..I.know.that.what.I.carry.now.will.not.be.the.same.as.what.I.carry.tomor-row,.or.what.I.carried.yesterday..I.wish.I.could.go.through.life.knowing.everything.that.I.carried,.and.remember.everything.I.wanted.to.remember..But.like.the.tennis.ball,.memories.fade.and.change.in.our.heads.to.be.what.we.want.and.need.them.to.be.even.though.we.do.everything.we.can.to.try.to.keep.them.real... Maybe.one.day.I.won’t.need.my.tennis.ball.anymore..One.day.I.might.be.able.to.leave.it.behind..Or.maybe.I’ll.keep.it.to.remind.myself.of.everything.that.is.carried.with.it..Now,.my.tennis.ball.can.be.found.in.the.trunk.of.my.car,.going.everywhere.I.go..Maybe.on.the.night.before.my.graduation.I.will.go.outside.to.the.fields.at.school.and.look.out.over.the.softball.field..I’ll.sit.on.the.rock.for.one.last.time.and.examine.all.the.crevices..I’ll.be.left.alone.on.that.field.for.one.last.time.and.in.my.head.I’ll.

22

be.able.to.hear.the.cracking.of.aluminum.bats.amidst.the.late.night.crickets.of.early.June..Then.after.I.am.satisfied.that.I.have.finally.gotten.everything.out.of.this.place.I.possibly.can,.I.will.go.stand.at.the.edge.of.the.softball.field.and.throw.the.tennis.ball.as.far.as.I.can.and.hope.that.one.day.someone.else.will.find.it.out.there.in.the.field.and.think,.“Yeah,.this.is.going.to.be.a.good.one.”

23

Transformer, Jane Lee, double exposure digital photo

24

Beautiful ChaosZoë Mancuso-Dunkelberg

. Somewhere.in.the.lake,.the.movement.happens..The.heartbeat.from.the.center.of.that.deep.water.sends.vibrations.up.through.the.seaweed,.the.sand,.the.dock,.my.toes.curled.over.the.edge.of.the.diving.board..I.am.not.a.swimmer..I.do.not.have.the.strong.arms,.nor.do.I.have.the.grace.of.a.blue.heron,.which.lifts.its.wings.in.perfect.synchronization..I.am.not.a.swimmer,.but.maybe.I.could.swim.anyway.. As.I.stretch.my.arms.up.to.the.red.and.yellow.sky,.I.feel.the.rhythm.at.the.core.of.my.body..I.inhale.slowly.before.I.spring.off.the.edge.of.the.board,.connected.to.nothing.but.the.pulse.of.the.air.that.dances.over.and.across.the.lake..My.fingertips.touch.the.surface.first..It.isn’t.cold—in.fact.the.temperature.seems.to.match.that.of.my.own.skin,.as.though.I.am.about.to.plunge.into.a.deeper,.more.intricate.layer.of.something.that.is.no.stranger.to.me.than.myself..I.think,.“Isn’t.this.better.already?.Isn’t.this.real?.Isn’t.this,.honestly,.all.there.is?”. And.then.I.am.submerged..The.water.fills.my.ears,.deafens.me;.but.I.can.still.feel.the.rhythm,.the.beat.of.the.universe,.inescapable.as.ever..I.can.see.the.weeds.now..Multitudes.of.them.twining.together,.swaying.as.they.hum.to.the.tune.of.the.ocean.they.once.heard.of.from.the.rocks.rolling.in.long.ago..The.weeds.pretend.their.way.through.the.pulsing,.measured.moments,.and.for.all.they.know.the.ripples.that.sway.them.could.be.the.waves.of.the.mighty.sea..But.I.know.better..I.see.this.lake.for.what.it.is,.and.it.is.not.the.chaos.of.the.ocean.I.seek.now,.but.clarity,.quiet,.which.only.exists.here.at.the.bottom.of.the.lake,.where.the.sand.bears.no.footprints.and.nothing.can.be.touched.or.harmed..I.fight.the.pressure.of.the.water.to.stay.where.I.am..Eyes.wide.open,.I.can.see.the.shadows.of.fish,.juxtaposed.in.the.light.of.the.slowly.fading.sun.that.can.barely.make.its.way.down.to.where.I.am.. I.know.I.will.never.be.satisfied.with.only.seeing.what.is.above.the.surface..The.way.an.archaeologist.itches.to.brush.away.the.earth.from.newly.discovered.ruins.to.reveal.their.hidden.truth,.I.find.myself.pulling.away.shreds.of.falsity.until.I.discover.what.is.real... At.the.bottom.of.the.lake,.there.is.no.sound..Everything.becomes.slow..I.can.see.the.sky,.so.much.farther.away.than.it.was.before,.through.a.shimmering,.translucent.layer..I.can.touch.the.soft.sand.with.my.feet,.and.my.hair.floats.around.me..I.allow.myself.to.revel.in.this.moment,.where.I.share.a.secret.with.the.water,.because.right.now.only.I.can.see.what.it.really.looks.like.. Somewhere. in. the. lake,. the. movement. happens.. I. push. off. of. the. sand. and.rise.up.to.the.surface,.to.oxygen,.to.a.beautiful.and.chaotic.world.that.is.vast.and.complicated,.waiting.to.be.made.sense.of..

25

Bridge, Tina Yingjing Lu, painting

26

My NameYiping Xu

. “Why.are.you.changing.your.English.name.to.a.Chinese.one?”.Some.American.girls.asked.me.. I.thought.for.a.while.and.replied.with.a.smiling.face:.“It.is.because.I.do.not.feel.like.the.English.name.now..Since.I.have.not.decided.my.next.English.name,.I.prefer.to.change.it.back.to.my.Chinese.name.”. But.I.was.not.exactly.telling.the.truth..The.moment.when.I.started.to.use.my.Chinese.name,.I.decided.to.keep.it.wherever.I.go..I.had.been.called.“Grace”.for.two.months.after.I.arrived.at.my.new.American.high.school..In.fact,.my.mother.chose.the.name.for.me.before.I.studied.abroad..She.had.always.hoped.for.me.to.be.a.polite.and.gentle.girl..When.she.told.me.her.choice.of.name.for.me,.I.did.not.care.much..The.name.just.reminded.me.of.the.American.TV.drama.Grey’s.Anatomy.which.I.watched.to.improve.my.English..I.liked.the.main.character.Grey.who,.I.guessed,.was.a.typical.American.beauty..Therefore.I.accepted.the.name.“Grace”.which.sounded.like.“Grey.”.. I.started.my.new.life.in.America.with.the.name.“Grace.”.Feeling.both.excited.and.nervous,.I.attentively.observed.American.culture.and.American.people,.wonder-ing.about.where.I.was.going.from.there..“What.do.I.need.to.do.when.I.arrive.at.school?.How.long.will.it.take.me.to.be.able.to.communicate.with.native.people.flu-ently?.Can.I.understand.what.teachers.say.in.class?.How.can.I.interact.with.American.girls?.Are.they.like.the.characters.I.have.seen.in.American.movies?.Will.they.accept.me?.What.if.I.make.mistakes?”. I.kept.asking.myself.these.questions.on.my.way.to.school..My.head.was.about.to. explode. by. the. time. I. saw. a. wooden. board. with. golden. writing:. “Stoneleigh-Burnham.School.”.It.was.about.two.o’clock.in.the.morning..I.could.only.see.the.sur-roundings.of.the.school.building.briefly..The.darkness.that.was.encroaching.almost.everything.added.some.mysterious.feelings.in.my.heart..I.suddenly.doubted.whether.there.was.only.me.at.the.school..But.unexpectedly,.a.big.guy,.who.I.later.knew.was.a.teacher.of.the.school,.showed.up.at.the.reception.desk..He.said.something.when.he.saw.me,.but.I.was.too.tired.to.recognize.the.words..Subconsciously,.I.thought.I.was.about.to.fall.asleep.during.some.English.listening.practice..His.smile.suggested.that.he.was.welcoming.me,.and.so.I.returned.my.most.genuine.smile..Dragging.my.two.heavy.suitcases,.I.guessed.he.would.help.me.carry.one.of.them..But.to.my.surprise,.he.lifted.both.of.them.as.easily.as.lifting.two.plastic.bags..I.followed.him.with.amaze-ment..His.strong.and.powerful.back.left.such.an.impressive.image.in.my.mind.that.I.thought.I.would.never.forget.it..“What.is.your.name.again?”.he.asked.me..“Grace..My.name.is.Grace.”. At.the.first.day.of.school,.I.was.completely.lost..The.school.did.not.seem.big,.but.its.structure.confused.me..The.pile.of.new.books.in.my.arms.was.getting.heavier.as.I.wondered.around..I.tottered.from.room.to.room.to.look.for.my.classroom..I.guess.I.must.have.looked.quite.flustered.at.the.moment..I.remember.that.day.my.brain.was.almost.stagnant,.and.the.embarrassment.burning.in.my.heart.made.me.feel.dizzy..I.had.never.had.this.kind.of.feeling.before..Back.in.China,.I.was.always.assured.and.confident..The.clumsy.girl.in.the.foreign.country.did.not.seem.like.me..And.I.hated.

27

the.person.I.looked.like.who.was.now.trapped.at.some.place.I.did.not.even.know..An.American.girl.asked.me.if.she.could.carry.the.books.for.me..Submerged.in.the.wave.of.my.negative.emotions,.I.replied.to.her.without.raising.my.head:.“No,.thank.you.”.But.I.regretted.it.right.after.I.said.so..Even.I.was.surprised.to.hear.the.blunt.voice.I.just.made..I.saw.awkwardness.covering.her.face..“What’s.happened.to.me?.I.should.not.have.said.this..It.is.not.me!.Yiping.would.never.be.like.this..Who.am.I.now?”. Since.then,.I.got.more.and.more.unfamiliar.with.my.identity.as.“Grace.”.I.strug-gled.to.catch.up.with.native.speakers,.trying.to.understand.their.conversations.and.expressions.myself..The.process.was.arduous..No.matter.how.attentively.I. listened.when.some.American.girls.were.talking,.I.still.could.not.get.them..I.felt.like.a.loser.when.I.was.the.only.one.in.class.that.was.not.amused.by.some.girl’s.seemingly.witty.words..My.confidence.waned.as. time.went.by.. I. started. to. spontaneously. exclude.myself.from.the.native.group..Even.worse,.I.found.I.was.losing.courage.to.speak..I.knew.what.the.correct.pronunciations.of.words.were,.but.I.just.could.not.get.rid.of.my.accent..And.the.words.that.came.out.of.my.mouth.sounded.weirder.if.I.got.ner-vous..Gradually,.I.became.afraid.to.open.my.mouth.to.speak..Although.I.hated.the.cowardly.girl.I.was.now,.I.did.not.know.how.to.change,.or.improve..I.did.not.know.how.to.save.myself.from.the.situation..“Can.you.repeat.what.you.just.said,.Grace?”.I.waved.my.hands.and.replied:.“Never.mind.”. Gradually. and. unnoticed,. I. became. unsociable. and. cynical. when. I. was. with.American.girls..I.hated.when.they.laughed.because.I.did.not.know.what.they.found.funny..“Is.it.my.accent.that.sounds.funny?.Have.I.just.done.something.that.makes.them.laugh.at.me?.What.are.they.talking.about?.Are.they.glancing.at.me?”.I.could.not.stop.these.thoughts.spurring.out.of.my.mind..I.felt.I.was.torturing.myself,.and.I.started.to.blame.everything.on.the.American.girls..“They.are.just.mean,”.I.murmured.to.myself..“I.do.not.need.to.care.about.them,.or.what.they.talk.about..It.is.a.waste.of. time.”.However,.even.though.I. tried.to.persuade.myself. to.avoid.the.American.peers,.I.always.found.something.in.me.eager.to.figure.out.what.was.going.on..But.my.glances.and.indifference.only.extended.the.distance.between.the.American.girls.and.me..I.only.felt.I.was.myself.when.I.was.with.my.Chinese.peers..I.could.not.shake.off.the.awkward.feeling.when.I.was.out.of.my.Chinese.circle..I.felt.as.if.I.was.always.split.into.two.persons..One.was.still. the.convivial,.confident.and.sociable.person.I.had.been.in.China..The.other.one.was.the.unpleasing.new.person.I.had.become.since.I.came.to.the.new.foreign.school.in.a.foreign.country..Therefore.“Yiping”.and.“Grace”.became.two.different.identities,.with.“Grace”.being.the.one.I.craved.to.break.away.from... Beginning.in.the.next.trimester,.I.started.to.reuse.my.name,.“Yiping.”.I.wanted.to.have.a.change,.to.become.the.person.I.used.to.be,.and.I.liked..Maybe.the.name.did.not.have.the.power.I.assumed.that.it.had..But.at.least.it.brought.me.confidence.and.hope..My.English.skills.improved.gradually..I.did.not.feel.agitated.or.awkward.any.more..Every.time.when.someone.called.me.Yiping,.even.not.in.the.right.pronuncia-tion,.I.felt.my.real.identity.come.back.to.me..Some.people.worried.that.I.would.not.be.able.to.assimilate.to.American.culture..However,.to.me.it.was.not.a.reason.that.I.preferred.my.Chinese.name..It.was.because.I.wanted.to.observe.American.culture.better.as.an.outsider.that.I.decided.to.use.my.Chinese.identity..

28

. Now,.I.have.studied.in.the.U.S.A..for.about.18.months..Looking.back.at.the.time. I.first. came.here,.my. reaction. is. just. a. smile..After. all,. all. these. things.have.already.become.history,.and.I.have.changed.back.to.the.confident.and.exhilarated.person.I.want.to.be..Although.English.is.still.the.foremost.lesson.I.ought.to.learn.everyday,.I.feel.more.comfortable.and.less.embarrassed.when.I.use.it.than.before..In.six.more.months,.I.will.be.an.undergraduate.student.in.an.American.university..My.friends.say.that.it.is.time.for.me.to.choose.an.English.name..But.I.cannot.decide.yet..I.am.still.worrying.what.the.new.environment.will.bring.me..To.me,.my.Chinese.name.is.like.a.piece.of.armor.I.build.to.protect.myself..It.is.my.identity,.and.a.proof.of.my.existence.in.the.world..Nevertheless,.I.believe.the.result.will.be.positive..And.at.that.time,.I.will.give.myself.a.unique.English.name.that.I.hope.can.represent.the.real.person.I.am..But.if.someone.is.interested.in.my.Chinese.name.and.its.meaning,.I.will.be.more.than.happy.to.tell.him.or.her.that.“Yi”.means.to.fly.as.high.as.a.bird,.and.“ping”.means.to.run.as.fast.as.a.horse..It.is.my.grandfather.who.gave.me.the.name..When.he.first.saw.me.as.a.newborn.baby,.he.suddenly.got.the.feeling.that.I.would.leave.home.and.go.to.a.very.far.place..Therefore.the.name.was.both.a.gift.and.a.wish..He.also.told.me.that.when.he.was.a.teenager,.he.actually.had.a.dream.of.studying.abroad.to.see.the.world,.to.experience,.and.to.make.some.change..But.the.outbreak.of.World.War.II.and.the.bankruptcy.of.his.father.smothered.any.possibility..Now.he.gave.me.a.pair.of.wings.and.strong.muscles.to.go.wherever.I.want..And.no.matter.where.I.went,.I.would.always.see.the.endless.sky.and.vibrant.plain.

29

Roosters, Dasom Yoon, monotypes

30

StarvingEmily Hewlings

I’m starving,she.tells.my.motherjust.off.the.corner.of.Market.Street..You’re starving?My.mother.asks,assuming.the.otherwise.Here, you can have my bagel.

I don’t want your bagel,the.woman.replies,.I don’t want your food,I don’t want your money.I’m starving.

Her.eyes.are.sunkenwith.deep.lines.etchedin.the.brown.of.her.skin;skin.made.of.paper,.perhaps.Easy.to.rip,.easy.to.fold.

Her.arms.and.legs.are.thoseof.scraggly.tree.branches,painfully.thin.and.awkward,vulnerable.to.ruination.Easy.to.break.off,.easy.to.sway.in.the.wind.

Years.of.hardship,she’s.had.to.endure,suffering.nothingbut.hasty.choicesmade.so.long.ago,.the.ones.that.ledto.her.current.state.

Out.on.the.streets,she.is.disregarded.and.condemned,an.image.of.the.unfortunate.She.mutters.profusely.to.herself,a.burning.cigarettedangling.from.betweenher.fingers.

31

One.must.not.follow.her.path,the.city-dwellers.think.as.they.walk.by.her.Not.be.in.this.state,not.do.anything.she.has.done.

And.yet.she.does.nothold.out.her.hands,seeking.for.charity,for.a.drop.of.a.coin.in.her.frail.hands..

My.mother.does.not.understand.She.asks.again,do you want my bagel?

No.The.woman.shakes.her.head,and.repeats.her.words:I’m starving.I don’t want your bagel.I’m starving.

Starving.for.what?.For.compassion,for.righteousness,for.acceptance.......

for.love..

32

Marley, Kelly Siok, digital photo

33

ActionYue Wang

. The.wind.at.5:00.am.is.mint,. settling.my.tense.thoughts..I.could.note.that.I.was.breathing;.that.was.always.neglected.under.the.pressure.of.my.heavy.workload,.and.time.seemed.to.slow.down.for.a.second..Standing.in.the.balcony,.where.I.could.see.many.buildings.sleeping.in.the.temporary.tranquility.of.the.city,.I.erroneously.believed.I.had.been.set.free.from.my.stress..I.never.thought.there.was.someone.shar-ing.the.wonderful.feeling.at.the.same.time,.just.in.the.mansion.opposite.mine..She.wore.a.white.shirt,.swelling.out.when.the.wind.entered.it..She.seemed.not.to.have.any.expressions,.or.to.be.in.a.trance..She.was.awake.but.tired..She.might.stay.up.all.night.for.doing.her.work..She.might.be.tired.of.the.repeating.days..She.might.feel.nervous.when.the.city.woke.up.again..I.didn’t.know.her.at.all,.but.thousands.of.feelings.about.her.circled.in.my.mind;.in.fact,.they.were.more.likely.about.me..I.felt.that.she,.stand-ing.still.there,.was.like.I.was.looking.at.myself.in.a.mirror..The.weak.darkness.was.like.sand.scattered.across.the.sky,.mild.orange.leaching.from.behind.the.corner.of.the.mansion..The.sunrise.in.the.city.was.very.restrained.and.modest;.no.magnificence,.no.resplendency,.as.if.an.eagle.living.in.a.cage..The.sunrise.was.a.depiction.of.the.life.in.the.city,.where.we.cautiously.worked,.and.got.along.with.others..We.desired.a.dif-ferent.life,.while.we.kept.doing.the.same.things.safely..We.were.rational.more.than.passionate..We.dressed.in.different.masks.to.face.different.people..We.hid.our.sadness.and.weakness.at.night.and.the.next.day.everything.was.fine.again..We.sometimes.stood.at.the.silent.dawn,.stealing.the.peaceful.moment.at.daybreak..I.watched.the.girl,.thinking.that.it.might.be.the.same.images.that.went.over.in.her.mind.at.this.time..Then.I.noticed.that.she.was.watching.me.as.well,.with.sunshine.rippling.in.her.dimples..A.new.day.started.... Compared.to.high-heels,.I.preferred.to.wear.sneakers.more,.but.I.never.took.off.my.4.5-inch-high.heels.in.public..Smiling.eyes.were.my.logo,.and.wherever.I.went,.meeting.anyone.I.knew,.I.always.automatically.smiled.as.I.talked,.with.100°.smiling.mouth.and.120°.smiling.eyes,.and.everything.was.a.mode.that.had.been.set.up.in.my.body..I.was.in.charge.of.advertisement.design,.and.my.life.was.like.my.job,.being.designed.to.fit.different.people.and.to.go.for.success.. I.clearly.knew.I.was.the.most.elegant.and.kindhearted.girl.in.his.eye..He.was.a.son.of.a.rich.and.honorable.family.and.was.pursuing.me..He.said.that.the.first.time.he.encountered.me,.he.felt.that.it.was.his.destiny.to.meet.his.angel... “Hello,.Jibe.”.I.could.be.the.most.tender.girl.in.the.world.when.I.talked.with.him..He.asked.me.to.have.lunch.together..“I.know,.it’s.lunch.time,.but.I.want.to.fin-ish.my.work.first..I.am.competing.for.a.very.important.cell.phone.advertisement.”.He.said.he.had.a.gift.for.me.and.he.would.pick.up.me.at.my.company.after.getting.off.work... “Ok,.take.care.”. At.5:00.pm,.a.luxurious.limousine.stopped.outside.my.company;.I.got.in.his.car.and.received.my.best.present-.the.new.cell.phone.whose.advertisement.was.the.one.that.I.had.competed.for..Although.the.cell.phone.hadn’t.been.produced.yet,.he.could.get.it.through.his.“way.”.What.I.had.to.say.was.that.I.loved.his.“presents”.more.than.him..

34

. There.was.another.boy.in.my.life,.who.I.never.admitted.was.my.boyfriend,.who.had.been.together.with.me.for.ten.years..He.got.a.Master’s.from.Harvard.when.he.was.only.19..I.brought.the.cell.phone.to.him.and.asked.him.to.help.me.on.my.design..“How.did.you.get.the.cell.phone?.It.hasn’t.been.produced,.has.it?”.he.said.. “How.do.I.know.how.my.company.got.it?.Come.on,.only.you.can.help.me.this.time,.my.super.hero..Do.you.have.any.ideas…?”. With.his.help,.I.won.the.advertisement.ultimately..By.the.way,.both.of.them.asked.me.to.marry.them,.and.of.course,.they.didn’t.know.about.each.other’s.exis-tence..I.didn’t.clearly.answer.any.of.them.because.I.wasn’t.sure.if.I.loved.them.and.I.hadn’t.decided.to.put.my.life.in.others’.hands... To.be.frank,.I.didn’t.know.who.I.was.under.the.different.layers.of.masks..I.acted.many.roles.on.purpose.everyday..Sometimes,.I.felt.that.I.had.lost.the.most.cherished.part.of.my.life,.the.sincerity.and.the.honesty.from.the.bottom.of.my.heart,.covered.by.too.many.lies.and.falsehoods..Perhaps.the.most.simple.and.honest.time.to.face.myself.was.on.the.balcony,.standing.in.the.sunrise,.and.I.thought.of.the.girl.I.encountered.that.day.on.balcony.of.the.opposite.building.more.than.once..I.didn’t.know.why.I.felt.that.I.was.closely.observing.myself.when.I.was.watching.her..I.even.thought.that.in.some.part.of.this.world.she.did.the.same.things.as.me,.acting.different.roles.and.surviving.in.this.competitive.society.... I.had.never.thought.that.we.would.meet.again.in.cooperation..She.was.a.model.for.my.advertisement,.which.told.a.story.about.a.girl’s.different.states.of.life.to.reflect.the.multi-functions.of.the.cell.phone..In.fact.she.was.not.famous.before.acting.in.this.advertisement,.but.it.would.be.her.best.opportunity.to.become.famous.and.of.course,.it.was.the.opportunity.that.she.got.through.stepping.over.hundreds.of.people..I.was.standing.far.away.from.her,.watching.her.acting..She.had.the.charming.smile.in.her.dimples.as.she.talked;.100°.smiling.mouth.and.120°.smiling.eyes..A.sound.from.the.deepest.part.of.my.mind.told.to.take.her.away.to.somewhere.we.didn’t.need.to.act.for.fame.or.wealth,.just.to.be.ourselves.for.a.second,.but.I.knew.this.was.our.life..We.were.surviving.under.the.Social.Darwin.theory..Only.adaptation.made.us.survive.in.the.competition.. After.today’s.filming,.I.passed.by.her,.saying,.“Nice.work!”. She.said,.“Thank.you!”. She.left.. I.left,.too....

35

Through Glass, Portia Yoo-Jung Ra, digital photo

36

My Role ModelAsma Amin

. I.arrived.in.America.from.Afghanistan.on.August.28,.2009..My.brother.Mati,.a.student.at.Williams.College,.drove.me.to.my.host.family’s.house..My.hands.shook.and.my.heart.pounded..I.was.intimidated.by.my.host.mother’s.reputation,.an.intrepid.woman.who.provides.educational.opportunities.to.Afghan.students.and.frequently.travels.the.Middle.East..As.we.pulled.up.to.her.house,.an.older.lady.was.patiently.waiting.at.the.door—.her.white.hair.shining.like.stars.under.a.gray.sky..She.came.towards.my.brother.with.a.great.smile.on.her.face.and.kindly.said,.“Mati,.you.have.a.wonderful.family.”.That.was.Sally.Goodrich... Sally. lost. her. son,. Peter,. in. the. twin. towers. on. 9/11.. . Heartbroken,. she.established.a.non-profit.foundation.in.his.memory.that.works.to.promote.education.in. Afghanistan.. The. foundation. built. a. girls’. school. in. Logar,. Afghanistan. and.established. an. exchange. program. that. has. sponsored. fourteen. Afghan. students,.including.me.and.my.siblings,.to.come.to.the.US..Despite.her.struggle.with.cancer.and.threats.to.her.life.in.Afghanistan,.Sally.has.visited.her.school.five.times.since.its.inauguration.in.2004..She.is.truly.an.exceptional.person... If.Sally.has. taught.me.anything,. it. is. that. life. is.about.overcoming.challenges.and.obstacles...My.sisters.and.I.lived.in.her.home.for.three.months.at.the.peak.of.her.illness..During.our.stay,.she.took.on.the.responsibilities.of.a.mother—.driving.us.to.school,.helping.with.our.homework,.cooking.and.washing.our.clothes—all.the.while.undergoing.chemotherapy..Sally.also.prepared.us.for.the.adjustments.we.have.had.to.make.in.the.U.S;.the.food,.the.climate,.the.language,.gender.relations,.and.even.the.air.were.different.from.anything.we.had.ever.known,.not.to.mention.the.different.roles.of.religion.and.education.in.American.society... Last.October,.my.uncle.called.to.tell.us.that.our.grandmother.was.dying,.and.that.her.last.wish.was.to.see.us..She.was.not.only.my.grandmother,.but.a.friend.and.a. mentor;. unfortunately,. the. trip. from. the. U.S.. to. Afghanistan. would. have. been.impossible. because. security. back. home. is. unreliable. and. the. political. situation. is.luridly.dangerous..I.was.devastated.when.I.heard.that.she.had.passed.away..It.was.difficult.to.be.so.far.away.while.my.family.was.mourning.such.tremendous.loss...But,.as.Sally.has.taught.me,.life.is.filled.with.loss.and.suffering,.and.it.is.each.individual’s.responsibility. to. transform. that. pain. into. positive. energy. for. others.. After. my.grandmother’s.death,.a.strong.sense.of.purpose.awoke.in.me..I.was.reminded.that.I.have.a.responsibility.to.my.family.and.my.country.to.be.fully.devoted.to.learning.and.succeeding.academically... Life. in.Afghanistan. is.hard,. especially.with. so.many. living.below. the.poverty.line.. Seven-year-olds. work. to. provide. for. their. families,. selling. matches,. chewing.gum,.and.cigarettes.on.the.street.instead.of.playing.or.going.to.schools..Meanwhile.their.mothers.beg.in.the.middle.of.the.road,.hoping.that,.as.cars.slow,.they.will.drop.

37

money.out.from.the.window..A.woman.or.a.child.without.education.can.do.nothing.but.beg.to.survive..

. The. deprivation. in. Afghanistan. is. what. fuels. my. dreams. to. learn. and. to. use.my. education. to. bring. changes. in. Afghanistan’s. quality. of. life.. I. want. to. study.international.relations.so.that.I.can.represent.Afghan.women.globally..As.an.educated.woman,.who. is.dedicated. to.helping.others,. I.hope. to.be.a. role.model. to.Afghan.girls..Therefore,.I.do.not.take.my.schooling.for.granted..I.look.forward.to.returning.to.Afghanistan.as.a.college-educated.woman,.like.Sally.Goodrich,.to.address.hunger,.poverty,.education,.and.women’s.rights..But,.ultimately,.no.matter.where.I.am,.I.will.strive.to.pass.on.the.opportunities.and.kindness.Sally.has.given.me..It.is.my.turn.to.pay.it.forward.

Editor’s note: Sally.Goodrich.passed.away.from.cancer.on.December.18,.2010..More.information.about.her.life.and.work.can.be.found.at.her.foundation’s.website:.The.Peter.M..Goodrich.Memorial.Foundation..(www.goodrichfoundation.org)..

38

J is for Jordyn, Jordyn Pigott, colored pencil

39

UntitledFiona Sullivan

If.all.we.knew.was.lostWhat.would.we.have.then?But.words.to.fill.up.The.empty.spaceAs.time.fills.the.void

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Mothers In TurnPhoebe Ying Zhang

. Don’t.be.afraid,.my.dear..Don’t.be.nervous..I.know.you.are.in.pain.right.now..Listen.to.me,.relax..I.will.tell.you.a.true.story.to.distract.your.attention.. The.first.time.I.saw.you.was.through.an.ultrasound..You.slept.so.peacefully.inside.my.body..I.was.filled.with.happiness..After.a.few.months,.I.finally.got.the.chance.to.hold.you.in.my.arms..Your.skin.was.pink.and.soft..You.looked.too.small.to.avoid.any.possible.danger.from.the.world..I.suddenly.raised.a.strong.sense.to.protect.you.from.those.“evils”.and.I.promised.to.myself.to.be.a.wonderful.mother..Teaching.you.how.to.walk.and.how.to.speak.were.my.happiest.moments..I.looked.at.you;.sometimes.you.seemed.to.try.so.hard.to.speak.out.a.single.word..That.day.when.you.called.me.“Mom”.with.your.shaking.tiny.voice,.I.was.beyond.happy.and.my.tears.poured.out.. Everything.went.so.fast..You.grew.up.so.quickly.which.was.out.of.my.imagination..You.could.go.to.school,.acquire.knowledge.from.a.teacher..I.was.very.happy.to.see.you.raise.your.hand.in.the.classes..I.was.glad.to.see.you.make.your.great.efforts.in.sports..In.my.eyes,.you.were.a.perfect.girl.and.you.had.no.idea.how.proud.I.felt.about.you,.but.you.began.to.be.rebellious..You.did.not.listen.to.me.anymore..You.thought.what.I.told.you.was.harmful.and.you.wanted.to.pursue.your.ideal.life..We.began.to.argue.a.lot.for.we.had.totally.opposite.opinions..Every.time.when.we.had.conflicts,.I.was.scared.that.you.might.turn.out.to.become.a.bad.girl..At.the.same.time,.I.felt.a.little.bit.happy.because.it.was.a.signal.that.you.were.growing.up.and.you.had.your.own.personal. ideas.. Sometimes. I.was. really.worried. about.how. to. teach.you. in. a.proper.way.since.you.were.a.big.girl..I.also.got.lost.for.I.did.not.how.to.connect.with.you,.but.I.had.to.share.some.important.experiences.with.you.so.that.you.would.be.hurt.in.your.life..Maybe.you.had.formed.a.small.world.that.belonged.to.you,.and.nobody. could.get. in. except. yourself.. I. respected.you.. I. tried.my.best. to.give. you.enough.freedom.so.you.could.begin.to.manage.your.life..There.were.some.things.that.I.could.help.you.to.prevent..Still,.there.were.some.inevitable.things.you.had.to.face.and.solve.by.yourself..No.matter.what.happened,.I.would.support.you.. On.your.wedding.day,.I.cried;.I.was.delighted.that.you.found.your.true.life.and.successfully.formed.a.family..Meanwhile,.I.was.conquered.by.sorrow—this.time,.I.lost.you.to.some.degree..I.stood.aside.and.watched.you.silently,.gave.you.my.best.wishes..My.girl.turned.into.such.a.graceful.woman.and.all.of.the.process.seemed.to.be.finished.just.overnight..Since.then,.I.knew.you.would.not.stay.by.my.side,.since.what.you.did.as.a.little.girl.when.you.stayed.by.my.side.was.not.a.good.idea.for.you.anymore.because.you.had.to.create.your.own.colorful.life..Do.you.remember.what.I.told.you.before.you.went.back.to.your.new.home?.No.matter.what.happens,.I.love.you.forever..If.you.live.in.happiness,.that.would.be.the.best.reward.to.me..I.do.not.hope.for.how.much.money.I.can.receive. from.you..I.only.wish.that.you.can.stay.healthy.and.stay.away.from.sadness.. Now,.take.a.deep.breath..Soon.you.would.fully.understand.all.of.my.joy.and.sorrow.

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Best Friends, Jessica Gale, digital photo

42

Did I Wake Up?Jane Lee

. I.was.watching.Identity,.one.of.my.favorite.B-movies.(I.am.a.huge.fan.of.all.gore,.horror,.and.thriller.movies)...Suddenly,.I.thought.I.heard.a.thud.from.the.direction.of.my.mother’s.bathroom...Lou.had.just.been.murdered.while.chasing.after.his.wife,.Ginny...She.slowly.opened.the.bathroom.door.to.find.Lou’s.stabbed.body.and.started.screaming...I.was.again.bothered.by.what.I.thought.I.had.heard...Was.that.sound.for.real.or.something.I.imagined?..I.wasn’t.sure.if.my.mother.was.home.already...I.went.back.to.the.earlier.scene.on.the.DVD.and.played.it.again;.but.that.sound.was.not.heard... Half.filled.with. anxiety. and.half.filled.with. curiosity,. I. approached. the.bath-room...The.semi-transparent.glass.door.was.ajar.and.the.light.was.on...I.saw.a.dark.veiled.mass.behind.the.glass.but.couldn’t.determine.whether.there.was.someone.in.there.except.the.buzzing.sound.from.the.electronic.bidet...I.opened.the.door.and.saw.a.gorier.version.of.The Death of Marat...My.mother.was.lying.on.the.floor.in.a.great.pool.of.blood;.she.had.fallen.on.the.back.of.her.head...Shocked.by.the.lurid.red.and.nauseating.smell.of.the.blood,.I.found.myself.just.looking.at.the.spectacle-.for.how.long.I.don’t.seem.to.remember...I.was.in.shock...All.I.remember.is.that.certain.scenes.from.the.movies.I.had.seen.passed.through.my.mind.in.a.rapid-fire.fashion...I.man-aged.to.open.my.mouth.and.say,.“Mom…are.you.alright?”. She.didn’t.answer... I.saw.myself.as.James.Coburn.in.Cross of Iron. trying.to.save.what’s. left.of.his.decimated.platoon...I.grabbed.one.of.the.bath.towels.and.dressed.the.wound.to.stop.the.bleeding...Then.I.raised.my.mother.by.the.arm.and.took.her.to.the.living.room.sofa.on.my.back...I.seated.her.in.an.upright.position,.put.some.ice.on.her.head.and.called.911.... On.the.way.to.the.hospital,.in.the.wailing.ambulance,.I.felt.heroic...When.the.doctor.said,.“Jane,.your.mom.had.lost.a.lot.of.blood,.but.you.saved.her.in.the.nick.of.time,”.I.felt.vindicated...I.was.amazed.how.I.had.kept.my.calm.in.front.of.my.dying.mother;. I. shuddered.at. the. thought.of.what.might.have.happened.. . It.was.ironic,.however,.that.my.ordinarily.impractical. life.of.imagination.had.come.in.so.handy.. .When.my.mother.finally.opened.her.eyes,.though,.she.said.ruefully,.“You.were.watching.a.movie.again,.weren’t.you?.Why.don’t.you.wake.up.for.a.change.and.get.a.life?”.. That.was.four.years.ago...I.doubt.I.have.woken.up.yet,.if.that’s.the.word.to.de-scribe.the.state.I’m.in...Nor.do.I.necessarily.feel.I.should...Didn’t.Emerson.say,.for.better.or.worse,.“We.are.symbols.and.inhabit.symbols,”.and.that.“life.consists.in.what.a.man.is.thinking.of.all.day”?... The.fact.is,.ever.since.the.bathroom.incident,.I’ve.irresistibly.been.attracted.to.that.gray.area.where.imagination.and.reality.overlap...So.I’ve.taken.film.as.a.medium.to.explore. it—and. it’s.an. important.medium.for.me.. .Last. fall. I.directed.my.first.short,.Sympathy for Ms. Chung,.a.study.on.the.psyche.of.a.teenage.girl.taking.a.shower.in.a.dorm...Somebody.keeps.turning.the.lights.off,.thinks.Ms..Chung...She.is.afraid.but.can’t.afford.not.to.finish.what.she.is.doing...We.feel.for.her.but.are.helpless.as.she.

43

must.deal.with.it.for.herself...Having.made.this.film,.I.gained.the.confidence.that.I.can.now.express.what.I.am.thinking.and.feeling...A.greater.discovery.came.when.my.friends.and.teachers.shared.their.individual.responses.to.Ms. Chung.with.me;.appro-priate.to.its.gray.nature,.no.interpretation.was.alike!

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Giraffe Mask, Nafisatou Mounkaila, ceramic

45

Beware of the Dogs!Denise Bremar

. As.I.watch.my.severely.outdated.television.without.a.twitch.or.a.blink,.nothing.can.interrupt.my.Ivy.League.focus.on.the.screen..It’s.as.if.I.am.watching.a.dreadful.movie.or.a.new.show.that.is.so.real.I.can.see.the.camera,.makeup,.and.special.effects,.even.though.I.know.very.well.that.my.TV.only.shows.two.channels—the.BBC.news.and.the.horrid.Cartoon.Network..Not.once.do.I.glance.at.the.forever-silent.50.year-old.telephone.on.the.table.next.to.me..Nor.do.I.notice.the.nauseating.puke-green.walls.around.me,.or.the.121.records.stuck.to.them.in.a.perfect.pattern,.as.if.you.are.in.a.70’s.music.museum..Never.do.I.realize.that.the.only.source.of.light.is.the.TV.screen..I.am.in.a.black.tunnel.staring.at.the.headlights.of.an.oncoming.train..I.will.never.try.to.understand.why.I.blocked.every.window.in.this.house.with.concrete.bricks.and.cement..I.ignore.the.many.black-and-white.faces.sitting.on.the.fireplace.that.never.burned,.or.the.cluttered.piano.that.will.never.know.what.it’s.like.to.sing.a.note..They.watch.my.every.move.as.if.they.are.all.betting.on.me.to.fail..They.are.constantly.smil-ing.with.big.grins.on.their.faces.as.if.they.were.cut.off.of.a.Happy.Meal.box..I.never.opened.my.ears.to.hear.Big.Ben.chime,.or.the.rising.and.fading.of.the.emergency.sirens.racing.past.my.house..But.I.do.hear.the.dogs.howl.in.agony.and.pain.as.they.do..I.hear.them.yelling.for.help,.and.feel.their.grief.when.help.doesn’t.come..That’s.all.my.ears.seem.to.pick.up.these.days—suffering... But.it.turns.out.that.the.screen.is.telling.a.horror.story..Every.day.the.show.gets.more.and.more.painful.to.my.eyes..People are just so malicious these days. How is it that they could be so kind for places like Haiti, and then kill in war? That’s a human for you. Humans are two-faced parasites who don’t give a flying fart in space about anyone but themselves. They take and take and will give nothing in return. Yes, thieves. They are thieves. They steal things that have nothing to do with them. They take these objects not because they want them, but because they get a kick out of other people’s misery. It’s the act of taking alone. How has the human race gotten this way? How can we get it back? There is no respect for people in general.. It’s.been.almost.forty.years.since.I.have.even.dared.to.step.foot.outside.of.these.walls..The.last.time.I.checked.I.had.thirty.years.of.experience.but.after.thirty,.I.didn’t.recall.when.I.turned.thirty-one..I.couldn’t.keep.count..Days.passed.by.like.double-deckers..The.name.that.my.parents.gave.to.me.was.Earl,.but.I.didn’t.remember.them.having.very.good.judgment.so.I.secretly.updated.it.to.Gregory..My.brother.thought.I.was.crazy.because.I.was.shut.in,.and.quite.frankly.I.agreed.with.him..He.came.to.the.house.with.this.stuck.up.psychologist.and.he.classified.me.as.the.typical.agoraphobic..They.were.the.only.people.who.I.had.seen.since….never.mind..The.doctor.said.that.I.was.afraid.of.being.in.a.place.where.help.may.not.be,.or.being.outside.in.general..I.just.love.how.humans.put.you.in.some.category.without.knowing.who.you.are.or.what.you’re.going.through..They.think.that.they.know.everything.there.is.to.know.about.the.world.around.you.and.they.judge.you.like.you.owe.them.something..Well,.what.about.what.they.owe.me?.I.am.living.alone.and.in.this.congested.space..Well,.not.space….prison..

46

. Every.day.I.feel.these.walls.close.in.closer.and.closer..It.is.the.same.daily.routine..I.hate.flowers,.for.they.remind.me.of.funerals..They.remind.me.of.when.Elizabeth,.James,.and.Edward.were.ripped.away.from.me.in.a.snapshot..They.were.my.entire.life..I.loved.them.even.though.we.did.not.always.agree..But.worst.of.all.I.hated.that.day.because.I.regretted.my.last.words.to.Elizabeth.before.she.dropped.the.boys.off.to.school..I.told.her.the.worst.words.anyone.could.say.to.his.best.friend.and.companion..I.released.the.words.into.her.ears.that.God.cursed.the.day.that.I.married.her..To.this.day.I.see.her.tears.as.if.I.could.feel.their.wetness.and.taste.the.salty.stream..I.can.see.the.hurt.that.was.behind.her.pupils.as.if.she.wished.to.God.that.she.had.been.deaf.for.the.last.two.minutes..I.didn’t.mean.those.words....I.swear..I.would.give.my.life,.whatever.is.left.of.it.at.least,.to.take.back.those.words..I.would.have.done.anything.to.pull.the.engine.out.of.that.car.if.I.had.known.that.their.lives.would.soon.be.brought.to.an.end..The.animals.in.that.other.car.who.clearly.couldn’t.drive.stole.them.from.me..Elizabeth.was.the.sole.meaning.of.human.benevolence,.and.my.sons.were.the.rays.beaming.from.the.sun.in.my.dark.world..It.is.because.of.her.and.my.beloved.children.that.my.entire.closet.is.colorless..I.will.remain.in.mourning.until.all.that.I.can.see.is.completely.nothing,.and.hear.not.even.the.air.around.me... My.focus.is.suddenly.interrupted.when.I.hear.a.vehicle.pull.up.and.I.can.tell.by.its.engine.sound.that.it.is.a.van..Judging.by.the.time,.and.the.fact.that.I.had.heard.this.very.same.noise.earlier.today,.I.know.it.has.to.be.some.sort.of.blue-collar.ordeal..The.ground.vibrates.under.my.naked.feet,.mimicking.his.walk..His.footsteps.might.as.well.have.been.earthquakes..He.forces.enough.food.for.two.through.the.dog.door,.which.is.a.part.of.what.used.to.be.a.human.door... I.take.the.food.over.to.the.living.room.and.place.it.on.the.old.coffee.table..As.I.eat,.I.am.distracted.by.the.local.news.that.is.showing.two.cars.rammed.into.each.other.about.three.blocks.away..Oh my God, not again. Somebody help them! Please! I.start.to.feel.light-headed..My.heart.starts.to.pump.like.it.had.to.work.for.ten.bod-ies..I.can’t.help.but.feel.like.danger.is.approaching.me.at.every.angle,.like.a.gang.of.bullies.surrounding.a.kid,.and.forcing.him.into.a.corner.just.for.his.lunch.money..I.begin.to.gasp.for.air.and.sprint.downstairs.to.the.basement..I.grab.the.box.of.old.warning.signs,.a.large.box.of.nails,.and.a.hammer..I.make.my.way.back.to.the.front.door.as.if.I.am.saving.a.life,.and.take.no.pause..I.begin.hammering.in.nail.after.nail,.sign.after.sign..I.beat.each.nail.into.the.door..The.nails.just.won’t.go.in.fast.enough.or.deep.enough..I.hit.the.door.harder.and.harder..My.tears.are.gushing.from.my.eyes.and.turn.to.blood..I.am.scared.and.lonely..I.get.the.worst.case.of.goose.bumps.and.I.start.to.shake.and.shiver..When.all.is.done,.I.drop.the.hammer,.and.the.box.that.was.full.of.nails.is.now.empty..I.step.back.slowly.from.the.door.and.raise.my.hands.up.in.the.air.as.if.I.were.being.arrested..What.was.once.a.door.is.now.a.collage.of.warning.signs..It.is.a.piece.of.artwork;.Michelangelo.could.not.have.produced.anything.more.gorgeous..Caution! Wet floor. No Trespassing! Do Not Enter! Construction 5 miles ahead. Emergency Exit only! Beware of the Dogs!

47

From Dark to LightMary Pura

Darkness.falls.over.my.eyes.and.my.mindThe.outside.word.quickly.fades.awayNow.there.is.nothingI.want.to.think,.but.I.cannotI.want.to.talk,.but.I.cannotI.want.to.breathe,.but.I.cannotThere.is.just.stillnessPanic.sweeps.over.my.emotions,.and.I.begin.to.wander.aimlessly.through.the.darkThe.ecstasy.of.nothingness.is.intriguing.Before.I.give.in.to.this.new.world,.I.see.a.light.in.the.distanceI.run.as.fast.as.I.can,.in.pursuit.of.this.piece.of.hopeNo.matter.how.hard.I.run,.the.light.gets.smaller.and.smallerLove,.happiness,.and.thoughtfulness.are.once.again.within.my.graspI.find.myself.leaping,.gliding,.soaring.to.catch.it.in.its.final.secondIt.is.gone,.but.as.soon.as.my.arms.wrap.around.the.remainsA.thunderous.event.overwhelms.the.sinister.nightWarmth.hugs.my.skin.and.tears.away.the.coldThe.smells.of.sweet.savory.fare.unravel.all.my.sensesBreath.returns.to.my.lungs.with.glorious.serenityThe.sun.reflects.from.my.eyes.and.welcomes.me.home.like.an.old.friendSmiles.return.to.my.face.and.love.is.restored.to.my.heartThe.darkness.is.gone

48

Anita, Yvonne I-Wen Wang, digital photo

49

Ready or Not, Here I ComeLizzy Galluzzo

I.carry.a.timid.face..I.carry.an.unspoken.voice..I.carry.the.fear.of.making.a.mistake..I.carry.the.thrill.and.pure.enjoyment.of.playing.soccer..I.carry.my.black.Diadora.cleats.and.my.year.old.black.Nike.shin.guards..I.carry.my.final.decision.of.which.team.I.wanted.to.play.on..I.carry.the.first.step.to.becoming.the.better.me..I.carry.an.8th.grader.on.a.varsity.team.

***

I.was.still.scared.walking.down.to.the.field.even.though.this.was.my.second.year.at.the.same.school..Many.of.the.upper.classmen.crowded.the.soccer.field,.and.I.was.just.a.young,.inexperienced.eighth.grader..I.lacked.the.confidence.just.like.a.convicted.criminal.lacks.innocence..I.doubted.my.skills.as.a.soccer.player..Fear.of.making.a.fool.out.of.myself.filled.me.as.the.2007.varsity.soccer.team.was.warming.up..I.thought.to.myself,.Why am I on varsity? I suck at soccer..I.was.extremely.nervous..It.was.like.my.fear.of.public.speaking..I.choked.up..I.was.an.actress.who.forgot.her.lines.and.was.overcome.by.stage.fright..I.worried..The.worry.inside.of.me.felt.like.guilt.from.doing.something.bad.or.wrong..I.was.not.friends.with.any.of.the.older,.seemingly.scarier.students.on.the.team.and.did.not.have.the.confidence.of.a.varsity.soccer.player..The.thought.of.playing.with.all.of.these.skilled.athletes.terrified.me..I.felt.like.the.kinder-gartener.in.a.room.filled.with.sixth.graders;.I.was.unsure.of.what.to.do,.what.to.say,.and.how.to.act..I.did.not.believe.I.was.good.enough..I.was.shaking.and.my.heart.was.pounding.with.fear..What do I do? I’m not ready for this.

***

I.carry.a.girl.on.a.varsity.team.who,.by.the.end.of.the.first.season,.started.games..I.carry.the.awkward.feeling.you.get.when.you.are.one.of.the.youngest.people.in.the.room,.except.on.the.field..I.carry.the.hatred.for.X-runs.and.any.other.conditioning.drills..I.carry.a.sense.of.closeness.with.a.couple.of.the.returning.varsity.soccer.players...I.carry.my.athletic.bag.with.the.rest.of.my.gear.inside.of.it..I.carry.the.familiarity.of.my.coach..I.carry.a.9th.grader.anxious.for.the.new.season.

***

It.was.a.well.played.game;.the.Forman.game..It.was.raining..Just.between.a.pouring.rain.and.a.drizzle..Either.way,. everyone.was. sopping.wet..The.varsity. soccer. team.huddled.around.each.other.after.half.time.getting.ready.to.cheer.before.the.start.of.the.second.half..Everyone’s.blood.was.rushing.due.to.the.excitement.and.desire.of.getting.back.into.the.game.despite.the.score..The.team.and.coaches.had.put.their.left.hands.in.to.cheer.as.a.familiar,.deep.voice.said,.“Do.you.know.why.we.put.our.left.hand.in?....because.it’s.closer.to.your.heart.”.You.have.to.give.meaning.to.what.you.do..If.you.do.not.put.your.heart.or.dedication.into.the.things.you.do.then.there.is.

50

no.point.in.doing.them..Soccer.involves.more.than.just.running.up.and.down.a.field.while.trying.to.kick.a.ball.into.the.goal..Soccer.is.not.just.about.winning..This.is.what.I.held.this.quote,.frequently.said.by.my.coach,.to.mean..That.day.the.varsity.soccer.team.took.that.saying.and.put.it.to.good.use..We.put.our.hearts.into.the.game,.we.gave.meaning.to.what.we.were.doing,.and.we.came.back.to.win.

***

I.carry.the.Forman.game..I.carry.the.acceptance.of.sprinting.and.conditioning.be-cause.it.will.make.us.a.better.team..I.carry.a.sense.of.familiarity.with.the.varsity.team..I.carry.the.long.bus.and.car.rides.with.the.team.to.away.games..I.carry.the.closeness.of.almost.the.whole.team..I.carry.a.10th.grader.walking.down.to.the.field.with.black.Adidas.Copa.cleats.

***

During.the.end.of.practice.we.would.condition..Conditioning. involves.caterpillar.sprints,. X-runs,. suicides,. or. any. other. kind. of. sprinting.. Caterpillar. sprints. were.where.we.ran.in.two.lines,.one.next.to.the.other,.and.the.people.in.the.very.back.would.sprint.to.the.front.while.the.rest.of.the.line.was.jogging..X-runs,.the.bane.of.everyone’s.existence,.involved.jogging.the.diagonal.of.half.field.and.sprinting.along.the.end.line,.multiple.times,.in.that.sequence..Suicides,.well.everyone.knows.what.suicides.are..You.run.from.said.spot.to.the.next.and.then.back.to.said.spot,.then.to.a.farther.point.and.back.to.original.said.point,.and.so.on..No.one.enjoyed.condition-ing,.especially.after.already.having.a.long,.intense.practice..The.team.would.be.tired..Our.faces.turned.beet.red.while.running.our.hearts.out..The.sweat.that.would.drip.down.our.faces.was.like.melted.snow.dripping.off.of.a.roof..Our.coach.would.tell.us,.“If.you.cheat.yourself,.you.cheat.your.team.”.We.needed.to.work.as.hard.as.we.could.and.if.we.did.not.then.we.would.be.letting.the.rest.of.the.team.down..If.you.do.not.try.your.best.and.push.yourself.you.are.not.the.only.one.who.suffers.from.it..Your.team.suffers,.too..Soon.after.our.coach.would.tell.us,.“Fatigue.is.only.a.state.of.mind.”.I.took.this.to.mean.that.even.if.you.think.you.are.tired,.you.have.to.keep.pushing.through.the.pain.or.moment.to.get.the.outcome.you.want..After.running.three.sets.of.X-runs.we.would.be.finished..We.would.gather.over.by.the.benches.with.our.hands.over.our.heads.gasping.for.air.like.a.fish.out.of.water..Soon.I.would.realize.that.the.running.would.get.easier.as.long.as.I.did.not.cheat.myself.and.put.the.idea.of.exhaustion.out.of.my.mind..

***

I.carry.a.sense.of.preparedness.for.a.new.season..I.carry.my.old,.worn.out.Nike.shin.guards..I.carry.the.well-known.expectations.of.my.coach..I.carry.the.water.with.the.paper.cups.for.the.rest.of.the.soccer.players..I.carry.thrill.and.excitement.to.play.a.sport.I.love..I.carry,.surprisingly,.the.enjoyment.of.conditioning.drills.and.runs..

51

I.carry.the.closeness.of.both.the.team.and.my.coach..I.carry.an.11th.grader,.captain.of.the.varsity.soccer.team.

***

It.was.championship.game..November.6,.2010..Everyone.on.the.sideline.was.wearing.hats.along.with.multiple.layers.because.the.weather.was.quite.cold..The.rival.team:.Eagle.Hill..The.last.time.we.had.played.them.we.lost.1-2..We.were.circled.up.try-ing.to.stay.warm.while.my.coach.was.reading.off.the.lineup..“In.goal,.Kate;.*clap,.clap*.sweeper,.Lizzy;.*clap.clap*.left.back…”.he.continued.to.read.the.lineup..I.felt.nervous..It.was.the.nervousness.I.had.felt.the.first.day.of.practice.on.the.varsity.team.in.eighth.grade..But.this.nervousness.was.different.as.well..I.had.a.sense.of.determi-nation..My.coach,.as.we.huddled.closer.before.we.said.a.cheer,.told.us.something.he.had.always.told.us,.“I.don’t.care.if.we.win.or.lose.today..That’s.not.why.we’re.here..All.that.matters.to.me.is.that.every.one.of.you.is.able.to.walk.off.this.field.today.and.know.or.say.that.you.did.your.best,.that.you.tried.your.hardest,.that.you.gave.your.best.effort.”.I.was.ready.to.work.my.hardest.despite.my.nerves..I.was.ready.to.be.able.to.walk.off.the.field.and.know.I.gave.it.my.all.and.worked.my.hardest..I.was.like.a.toddler.determined.to.try.everything.in.order.to.get.the.cookie.jar.off.the.top.shelf..I.was.ready.to.put.my.heart.into.the.game.and.do.the.best.I.could.do..I.was.ready.to.play.a.game.no.one.would.forget..I.was.ready.to.play.a.game.for.my.team.like.a.mom.would.do.anything.for.her.child..I.was.ready.to.play.a.game.for.my.coach.who,.I.did.not.know.at.the.time,.would.not.be.returning.the.next.year..I.was.ready.to.work.my.butt.off..I.was.ready.for.the.challenges.that.lay.ahead.of.me..I.was.like.a.newly.gradu-ated.college.student.with.a.new.job.and.faced.with.many.difficulties,.but.willing.to.go.the.distance.to.succeed..I.was.ready.to.use.every.single.lesson.I.lived.by.daily.that.my.coach.had.taught.me.and.apply.them.to.this.game..I.was.ready.to.lead.the.team..I.was.ready.

***

I.carry.an.11th.grader.wanting.to.play.soccer.24/7.for.the.rest.of.her.life..I.carry.the.championship.game.of.the.league.we.played.and.won..I.carry.the.ethic.of.working.as.hard.as.I.can.all.day,.every.day..I.carry.the.sense.of.putting.my.heart.into.everything.I.do..I.carry.the.capability.of.pushing.myself.to.do.my.best.and.being.pushed.by.oth-ers.to.do.my.best..I.carry.good.sportsmanship..I.carry.love.for.athletics..I.carry.the.number.seventeen.on.my.jersey..I.carry.the.idea.of.walking.off.the.field.knowing.I.did.my.best.that.day..I.carry.every.game.I’ve.ever.played.for.this.team.and.for.my.coach..I.carry.the.lessons.I.have.been.taught.by.my.coach.that.make.me.the.better,.more.outspoken,.determined,.and.hardworking.person.I.am.today.

Literary Society Members:

Emily.HewlingsZoë.Mancuso-Dunkelberg

Portia.RaMaraina.Weyl

Charlotte.MinskyPhoebe.Zhang

Alexandra.MerulloAsma.AminMay.DongMary.Pura

Fiona.SullivanNhyira.AsanteNolka.Bates

Francesca.Eremeeva

Literary Society Faculty Advisor:

Shawn.Durrett

Acknowledgments:

The Literary Society gratefully acknowledges the help and support of the following:

Anne.PinkertonSusanna.Thompson.

Susan.SmithThe.English.Department

Sally.MixsellLinda.Mahoney

The.Visual.Arts.DepartmentTiger.Press

The.Admissions.OfficeThe.Development.and.Alumnae.Relations.Office

574 Bernardston Road | Greenfield, MA 01301| www.sbschool.org