1:00 am

There is something wonderful about being awake and alive at this time. A moment of beginnings and endings, of the old and the new. I’m sitting here listening to music and wondering why sleep fails me these days. Why am I sitting with tears dripping from my eyes feeling so exhausted and sad? Feeling like all my energy is zapped from my soul and my reserves are gone. I don’t want to feel like this, this miserable feeling of confusion, loneliness, and most of all being lost. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I want to feel alive. I want to feel happy and find meaning in my life.

I know that life is precious and I shouldn’t waste it feeling like this, believe me if I knew how to fix this, fix me I would. I wouldn’t wait and let this sink any deeper. If I knew how to turn it off, this feeling like something is missing I would. I wonder why God created me this way. I feel too much, think to much, want too much. I absorb everything around me and sometimes it stays with me forever. I get scared to close my eyes these days and sleep because of what I might dream and knowing that when I sleep I get closer to tomorrow and the cycle goes on. I am on edge and I wonder how much more I can take before I can’t take anymore, not even a little bit.

I want to see the people around me happy, and then I feel like I can be free to find happiness myself. How can I smile and laugh when the people around me are suffering, broken, sad, and sacrificing. How can I not cry for them, for their pain, for their sorrow? I feel for them and wish to take their pain away, but I can’t. I cannot fix anything, because I don’t have the ability, money, wisdom, or experience to make it all better. Just sitting by and wishing and praying for them to be happy isn’t changing anything.

How I wish to laugh from deep within my soul and know that feeling of happiness. How I wish we could all obtain happiness. I just feel too much and see too much. The evil that pollutes this world is so present that it is suffocating. I want to save people from that pain. I want to shield them from that sorrow, but I feel so useless and small compared to the bad in this world. What can I do? I know I am not a superhero but sometimes I wish we had superheroes to save us all. To pick up those who have fallen, and heal those who are broken.

I think about all the lost and lonely souls in this world and it makes me so sad and heartbroken and I wonder what I can do to help them. What can I do with my life to save them? What can I do to give them hope and a little peace of mind? What can I do to take the nightmares and pain away? What can I do to make it better? Who can I become that can really make things different for this world? I just want to do more than I am now, because I know what it is like to be broken, scarred, faithless, and lonely. I don’t want people to feel the way I did. Three years ago I felt like life was pointless and wondered if I would make it through that time. That was the hardest time of my life but God saw me through unscathed.

I think about how I felt, and get scared that someone out there is feeling the same way. That someone out there is suffering and hurt like me. I wish I could help them, tell them it gets better, that they are strong enough to beat their demons. I want to know that I am making a

difference for the good in this world. I don’t want more lost souls in future generations. But I am only one person, one young lost soul, what can I possibly do to help all the other ones? I wish I had the answers but like everyone else all I have is questions. Everything else is hazy. I just know I want to save others and fight for their justice. I want to believe in the goodness of this world.

I want to believe…I want to believe so desperately that good conquers evil. That those who do bad deeds; will get them in return. I want to believe that goodness brings upon goodness. But all I see is more and more evil in this world, People, so young and full of possibilities sinking into the dark and doing all kinds of crazy things. I wonder about the humanity of our world and where it has gone. What is going on with our generation and the ones after us? We are all capable of evil, but it seems more and more people are embracing their dark sides.

I want to be part of that light that shines into this world and gives people hope for better days. I want to make a difference but I don’t know how. I guess I am looking for my calling.

Searching…

I’ve always been a fan of the night. There is something soothing about the stillness of the night time. When everyone around you is dreaming of something; while you stay awake contemplating your life and future. It’s always been a peaceful time for me. When everyone else in my house is sleeping and I am awake listening to music, writing, thinking, night dreaming, and just existing in my world. No one would believe me that I tend to enjoy being a lone at times.

Searching is the one word that best describes me right now. At this moment in my life, I am searching for a lot of things: myself, my place in the world, my happiness, my future, my purpose, my meaning, my everything. I am searching for solid ground to take away the chaos in my life and to make me feel like I am not lost anymore. I spend my time wandering in thoughts and questions all wrapped up inside my head. I am searching for my peace; where I know who I am, where I am going, and what I am going to do with my life. Where nothing can shake me because deep down I know who I am and no one can make me think or feel differently.

I’m searching for the man I want to be in the future. I’m searching for direction, purpose, clarity. I am searching for the me, I want to be. I’m searching for that joy inside my heart for the life I lead. I am searching for what makes me feel alive and happy. I am searching for my destination. I am searching for my rock, my refuge from life’s storms. I am searching for my salvation, my revelation, my serenity. I am searching for my sanctuary away from this chaos.

There is so much I am searching for that I don’t know where to start and it just feels so overwhelming. I am searching for my happiness. I am searching for…

Press On

For a 22 year old I have suffered more than I should have at my age but isn’t that life? Age is not a literal term in most cases. Yes, we age in body but some of us age in mind a lot faster based on our experiences or lack of them.

Do I give up? Do I try again? Do I find a new direction? Do I settle and play it safe? Do I…? My mind is full of questions, decisions, and choices that I am debating. I have too much time on my hands right now which leads me to spending too much of it wrapped up in my mind, consumed by my thoughts and as always my insecurities. As I sit here in the dark I keep thinking; who am I? I think I am searching for my identity. I am a son, friend, colleague, sister, and etc but those are identities given to me. I wonder over and over who I am. Who am I to me? Who do I want to be and who should I be.

My identity, purpose, reality, position, fate, life….I don’t know any of these things which just makes me keep walking around in this maze trying to find the answers or a way out. I am not sure what I want anymore from my life or myself. I am not sure who I want or need to be anymore. I am not sure of anything. There is no black and white in my life right now just an overwhelming amount of shades of gray. It is like my vision, motivation, drive, and most of all my passion has dried up inside of me leaving me withered.

When I was younger I would go after my dreams without a second thought. Almost like I was invincible. I had confidence in myself and where I was going in my life. But somehow that all changed and now I am not confident in myself and I keep second guessing myself. I am becoming my own worst enemy. I am looking at my reflection and seeing only the darkness and ugliness inside of me. I don’t know how it became like this. I know I cannot go back to who I was. But, I really want to take those good parts and put them inside of me now. I want that confidence and passion for my life and my dreams again. I want to believe in myself again. I need to believe in myself again!

I don’t want to drift by in life, floating by like so many people out there. I want to take control and steer myself in a direction of my choosing. I don’t have anymore strength left inside of me. I am weak, doubtful, scared, uncertain, dissatisfied, and just overall crappy feeling; to put it mildly. I’m in limbo right now, unsure of my direction. I don’t even have a direction to be unsure of. I’m just stuck and not sure of which way to go. I know what I want, but I am not sure it is what I need or should want. Most of all I am not sure how to get there or if I can even get there.

Why is it that as we get older this world penetrates us and we lose ourselves little by little? We lose that innocence and that belief that it is all going to be okay. We lose our faith in ourselves and in this world. We lose so much and yet we gain so little. We lose our courage and imagination. Most of all we lose our will to make a way. I don’t want to settle, take the easy way out, and most of all I don’t want to give up on myself or my dreams. But as each day drifts into the next I feel like all of it grows farther and farther away from me. I feel like I am losing

myself; that I am losing my identity in the midst of this world. The only time I am completely honest with myself is when I write it out. I write the chaos inside of me and find a release.

I don’t know what I need or want and I am just scared I am going to end up being miserable. Everything is chaotic and there is no clarity in my thoughts these days. I keep praying for God to hear me and show me what He wants me to do.

I am always waiting even though I hate it, I keep waiting, but these days the waiting is getting to be too much. I keep asking how much longer I must wait. When will I have my revelation? Only God knows…..

Midnight Solitude

There is something wonderful about being awake and alive at this time. A moment of beginnings and endings, of the old and the new. I’m sitting her listening to Stray’s Don’t Sleep’s “For Blue Skies” wondering why sleep fails me these days. Why am I sitting with tears dripping from my eyes feeling so exhausted and sad. Feeling like all my energy is zapped from my soul and my reserves are gone. I don’t want to feel like this, this angst and miserable feeling of confusion, loneliness, and most of all being lost. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I want to feel alive. I want to feel happy and find meaning in my life.

I know that life is precious and I shouldn’t waste it feeling like this, believe me if I knew how to fix this, fix me I would. I wouldn’t wait and let this sink any deeper. If I knew how to turn it off, this feeling like something is missing I would. I wonder why God created me this way. I feel too much, think to much, want to much. I absorb everything around me and sometimes is stays with me forever. I get scared to close my eyes these days and sleep because of what I might dream and knowing that when I sleep I get closer to tomorrow and the cycle goes on. I am on edge and I wonder how much more I can take before I can’t take anymore, not even a little bit.

I want to see the people around me happy, then I feel like I can be free to find happiness myself. How can I smile and laugh when the people around me are suffering, broken, sad, and sacrificing. How can I not cry for them, for their pain, for their sorrow? I feel for them and wish to take their pain away, but I can’t. I cannot fix anything, because I don’t have the ability, money, wisdom, or experience to make it all better. Just sitting by and wishing and praying for them to be happy isn’t changing anything.

How I wish to laugh from deep within my soul and know that feeling of happiness. How I wish we could all obtain happiness. I just feel too much and see to much. The evil that pollutes this world is so present that it is suffocating. I want to save people from that pain. I want to shield them from that sorrow, but I feel so useless and small compared to the bad in this world. What can I do? I know I am not a superhero but sometimes I wish we had superheroes to save us all. To pick up those who have fallen, and heal those who are broken.

I think about all the lost and lonely souls in this world and it makes me so sad and heartbroken and I wonder what can I do to help them. What can I do with my life to save them? What can I do to give them hope and a little peace of mind? What can I do to take the nightmares and pain away? What can I do to make it better? Who can I become that can really make things different for this world? I just want to do more than I am now, because I know what it is like to be broken, scarred, faithless, and lonely. I don’t want people to feel the way I did. Two years ago I felt like life was pointless and wondered if I would make it through that time. That was the hardest time of my life as some of you know from my Dear God entries.

I think about how I felt, and get scared that someone out there is feeling the same way. That someone out there is suffering and hurt like me. I wish I could help them, tell them it gets better, that they are strong enough to beat their demons. I want to know that I am making a difference for the good in this world. I don’t want more lost souls in future generations. But I am only one person, one young lost soul, what can I possibly do the help all the other ones? I wish I had the answers but like everyone else all I have is questions. Everything else is hazy. I just know I want to save others and fight for their justice. I want to believe in the goodness of this world.

I want to believe…I want to believe so desperately that good conquers evil. That those who do bad deeds will get them in return. I want to believe that goodness brings upon goodness. But all I see is more and more evil in this world, People, so young and full of possibilities sinking into the dark and doing all kinds of crazy things. I wonder about the humanity of our world and where it has gone. What is going on with our generation and the ones after us? We are all capable of evil, but it seems more and more people are embracing their darksides.

I want to be part of that light that shines into this world and gives people hope for better days. I want to make a difference but I don’t know how. I guess I am looking for my calling.