Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or

places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

SIMON PULSEAn imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division

1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020First Simon Pulse hardcover edition March 2015

Text copyright © 2015 by Todd Hasak-LowyAll rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or

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Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.Jacket designed by Jessica Handelman

Interior designed by Hilary ZaryckyThe text of this book was set in New Caledonia.Manufactured in the United States of America

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hasak-Lowy, Todd, 1969–Me being me is exactly as insane as you being you / Todd Hasak-Lowy. —

First Simon Pulse hardcover edition.p. cm.

Summary: Through a series of lists, a narrator reveals how fifteen-year-old Darren’s world was rocked by his parents’ divorce just as his brother, Nate, was leaving for college, and a year later when his father comes out as gay, then how he begins to

deal with it all after a stolen weekend with Nate and his crush, Zoey.[1. Family problems—Fiction. 2. Divorce—Fiction. 3. Brothers—Fiction.

4. Gays—Fiction. 5. Dating (Social customs)—Fiction.] I. Title.PZ7.H26865Me 2014

[Fic]—dc232014011035

ISBN 978-1-4424-9573-9 (hc)ISBN 978-1-4424-9569-2 (eBook)

6P Me Being Me HC int.indd 4 1/13/15 12:23 PM


1

4 Conflicting Parts of Himself Darren Jacobs Attempts to

Ignore as He Tries to Ask a Particular Eleventh-Grade Girl

for a Really Big Favor on Friday, April 25, at 10:38 a.m.

1. His reluctance to become a screwup/stoner/delinquent.

Because he might be taking a step closer to turning into any

or all of those things if he asks her this favor (and she agrees

to do it). Or even just deals with someone like this particular

girl, who (based on the cigarette and the all-black outfit and

the piercings) is pretty clearly a screwup and/or stoner, but

probably not an actual delinquent. At least, Darren hopes

she’s not, but who knows anything for sure at this point?

Certainly not Darren, who keeps finding out that people

aren’t who he thought they were.

2. His curiosity to see what would happen if he did some-

thing that a screwup/stoner/delinquent would do. Just this

once. Because overall he’s been a pretty well-behaved kid

his whole life, so then what’s the big deal, seriously, with

doing something maybe not so smart just this one time?

3. His desire to kiss her, and have her kiss him back, right

here and right now. There’s no way that’s going to happen,

even though all it would take is the two of them wanting it to.

Because you see kids kissing and even totally making out at


2

North High pretty much every day, so it’s not like he’s fanta-

sizing about walking on the moon or anything here. And it’s

not even such a big deal that Darren has thought about kiss-

ing this particular girl once or twice, because (if he’s going to

be totally honest about it) he’s probably thought about kissing

fifty or sixty different girls at North High. Maybe even more

actually. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t thought about kissing any

guys, but he wouldn’t swear on it, because these kinds of

thoughts just sort of pop up whether you want them to or not.

Like you’re getting a drink from the fountain outside the

cafeteria, and the next thing you know, you’re wondering what

it would be like to make out with Christie Banks, who isn’t even

that cute in the first place, and not only because of that thing on

her nose. She just happened to be waiting to get a drink, that’s

all it took. This kind of stuff happens so much that if Darren is

going to be really and truly 100 percent honest about it, then

he’d have to admit that once or twice (okay, about fourteen

times) he’s thought about kissing Ms. Gleason. Who just so

happens to be his English teacher. She’s maybe his youngest

teacher and has perfect skin, but still, what’s up with that?

4. His failure to convince himself that this is just about him.

Because he kind of feels it in the very center of his presently

quivering gut: The whole thing might also be about this par-

ticular eleventh-grade girl standing about four feet away from

him and giving him a half-curious, half-annoyed look, like,


3

Uh, can I help you? Or, more precisely, it might be about him

and her most of all, as in the two of them as some kind of unit,

some kind of thing. Not a couple, necessarily, but a thing of

some sort. A him and a her. A them.

Because right now she is just this entirely separate person

standing four feet away from him and waiting for him to stop

standing there like a paralyzed idiot, but once he asks her this

favor and she agrees to do it, then, even for just a little while,

there’s going to be a new “them.” And who knows, “them”

might only last like a half hour, but maybe for reasons beyond

his control, this “them” will take on a life of its own. And so

this “them” might be good, but it might be bad. It might even

be very bad. Or very, very, very good. Which somehow freaks

Darren out most of all.

Because Darren’s had enough lately of the grief that

being in a “them” can cause you. And so, in order to cut his

future losses, maybe he should not do what he’s actually doing

right this very instant, which might bring about the creation

of another “them” that he’s a part of:

“Hey,” he says. “Uh. Yeah. Look, could you maybe drive

me to the El so I can get downtown to Union Station and

then get on this bus to go visit my brother in Ann Arbor?

Because . . .”

Oh well, too late.



1. THURSDAY,APRIL 24



7

6 Words His Mom Sounds Like She’s Saying as Her

Voice Travels through Walls and up Stairs Until It Reaches

Darren, Who Wonders Why His Mother Is on the Phone

at—What the?—5:24 a.m.

1. Malah

2. Snaff

3. Thuhn

4. Bechah

5. Inham

6. Geraflab


8

10 Sentences or Sentence Fragments Darren Has

Heard Her Say through Walls and up Stairs So Many Times

over the Past Two Years That He’s Positive She’s Saying

Them Right Now, Even Though It Still Kind of Sounds Like

She’s Saying Stuff Like “Antfurlm” and “Waflevah”

1. Tell me why.

2. That’s all I’m asking.

3. Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding.

4. Spare me.

5. Just this once.

6. Oh, give me a break.

7. Bull. Shit.

8. Whatever, Howard.

9. Whatever.

10. You’re so full of shit.


9

3 Arguably More Accurate Ways Howard Could Be

Described

1. Darren’s father

2. Darren’s mother’s ex-husband

3. The person who used to live in and own this house but

doesn’t as of about twenty months ago. Though actu-

ally, he may still own half of the house. Darren’s not

totally sure what they finally settled on, because by

the time they finally settled on whatever it was they

settled on, he was so sick of hearing about it (some-

times through walls and up stairs, etc.) that he just

tried to ignore whatever they told him they finally

settled on.


10

4 Emotions Darren Identifies in the Sound of His

Mother’s Footsteps, Which Are Clearly Approaching

1. Anger

2. Contempt

3. Remorse

4. Sorrow


11

3 Names She Calls Him in Quick Succession as She Sits

Down on the Edge of His Bed and Softly Pats His Shoulder

to Wake Him, Even Though He’s Pretty Much Totally

Awake by Now

1. Honey

2. Sweetie

3. Darren


12

9 Names Darren Thinks Would Be Better Names for Him

Than “Darren”

1. Gabe

2. Max

3. Sam

4. Noah

5. Adam

6. Jordan

7. Nate, if it wasn’t taken

8. Mo, maybe

9. Jacob, if his last name wasn’t Jacobs


13

6 Imminent Events, According to His Mother

1. Her cab’s arrival, any minute now

2. His dad entering the house at around seven thirty

3. His dad making him breakfast and packing his lunch

4. His dad talking to Darren about something important

5. His dad taking him to school

6. Her cab’s arrival, if the thing’s on time for once


14

7 Reasons Darren Doesn’t Do the Obvious Thing and Ask

Her to Elaborate a Bit about Item #4 from the Previous List

1. He really doesn’t want to know.

2. She might not know, which she’d be annoyed about.

3. She knows but has agreed not to say anything, which

she’s already annoyed about, so why make her get more

annoyed and bitch about his dad?

4. He really doesn’t feel like having a conversation with

anyone right now.

5. The less he says, the faster she leaves.

6. Because maybe he can still fall asleep again.

7. And who knows, maybe this is all a dream, which it

would be really good if it is; in fact, he wouldn’t be that

bummed if all of the past two years have been one big

dream, though that seems extremely unlikely unless

Darren is having an unusually long and vivid dream

that isn’t exactly a nightmare but does kind of suck

about five times more than regular awake life should.


15

2 Additional and Unfortunate Facts Relevant to

Understanding How Darren Got the Name “Darren”

1. It was some sort of compromise between his parents.

2. Meaning that “Darren” was nobody’s first choice.


16

2 Objects Some Faint and Unclear Light Source

Reflects Off of in the Moment Before His Mother Leaves

Darren’s Room

1. Her left boot, which is dark brown, leather, and fancy.

She wears them a ton these days, especially on days she

travels, and she travels a ton these days. She actually

looks pretty good in them, especially when she tucks

her expensive jeans into them. But more than anything,

these boots remind Darren that his parents, around the

time they got separated and later divorced, each just sort

of quickly evolved into kind of different people, because

she only wore fancy boots like three times throughout

the first fourteen or so years of his life.

2. Her right boot.


17

3 Thoughts Darren Has as She Closes His Door Softly

1. In a couple of minutes I’ll be the only one in the house.

2. Which still always feels weird whenever it happens.

3. But I guess it’s just as well at this point, especially if

there’s no way Nate could be here right now.


18

7 Arguably Optional Activities Darren’s Mom Spent the

Most Time on during Each of the Previous Seven Years

1. ZUMBA

Which is some kind of extremely strange dance fitness

program.

2. RESEARCHING GRADUATE PROGRAMS

Because she wanted to get a job but couldn’t get any of

the ones she wanted without going back to school.

3. AGONIZING OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO

ATTEND GRADUATE SCHOOL

Though it was clear that if she did, it would be in com-

puters or marketing. Or computers and marketing.

Whatever that means.

4. ACCUMULATING A GIANT LIBRARY ON WEB

DESIGN AND E-COMMERCE

So she decided not to go to school at all, since she some-

how decided that she could get a good job without it.

5. LAUNCHING N.D. DESIGN

As in “Nate and Darren Design.” It was some sort of

computer marketing company she ran out of the guest

room.

6. SELLING N.D. DESIGN

Apparently, some people with a lot of money really liked

her company. The whole family went to the Caribbean

for ten days afterward.


19

7. PACKING AND UNPACKING BEFORE AND

AFTER TRIPS TO CALIFORNIA

Such as last night. And actually, this one has been going

on for two years now.


20

12 Basic Bits of Information about Darren Jacobs

1. Fifteen years old

2. Five feet six and a half inches

3. 181 pounds

4. White

5. Brown curly hair

6. Brown eyes

7. November 29

8. 20/25 right eye, 20/20 left eye

9. Right-handed

10. Youngest of two boys

11. Jewish

12. Virgin


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Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You