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T Thays teachings have been words deeply etched in my heart or years, but this summer was the rst time I encountered their truemeaning. My husbands work or an international non-pro t took us to Arusha, Tanzania. What luck, we thought, that we had ounda location in A rica that was suitable to live in with children. Wehad lived in Nairobi, Kenya and had complete clarity that Nairobisroutine aggressive violence was not an atmosphere in which toraise our children. Johannesburg, similar in its extreme violence,where people not only lived behind gates (routine in A rica) buttalked about how many levels o security they had be ore intruderscould get to them, also elt like an unacceptable li e to me. ButArusha a small yet rapidly growing town an hour rom MountKilimanjaro, protected by Mount Meru, and the gateway town tothe Serengeti, where ve years ago security companies didnt evenexist it seemed per ect.

Heres what happened ten days a ter arriving in Arusha withour six- and eight-year-old boys.

My husband returned home just past midnight a ter droppingo a riend at her hotel a ter she had dinner with us that night. Thenight guard opened the gate; my husband drove in, got out o hiscar, and went to the gate to lock it rom the inside with a padlock.He heard a man say, Open, so he opened the gate. Three gunmenwere holding the guard, guns to his head. Two guns immediately

went to my husbands head and the gunmen led him and the guto our house, ordering my husband to open the door. I was dowstairs when the door opened and at rst I noticed just my husbwalking in, very pale. Then I saw the gun. A second later I sthe rst gunman. I gasped in a whisper, Oh my God! as onethe gunmen ran over to me and pointed his gun at my head. In instant the words o the Dharma popped into my mind:

Li e is impermanent.

These words bathed me. I elt clear and strangely calm asgunmen sat us down on the couch, took our wedding rings otied my husband up on the foor with wire. I repeated to myse

Impermanence.

The tallest gunman led me upstairs. As we approached mchildrens bedroom he put his gun to my nose and told me idid anything stupid he was going to shoot me and my childrebreathed deeply thinking:

Breathing in,Breathing out,I am ree.

As I repeated to mysel Breathing, Free my thoughts becillogical in a Western sense. Logic would have told me to hate

Getting

Better,not Bitter

The Dharma in Tanzania

By Karen Brody

gif t of NON-FEAR

Unhappy with what I had produced the gunman put his gun to my head

and told me I must fnd him some money and jewels.

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gunman; instead I elt deep compassion. Thays teachings foodedmy body and mind.

Where Are the Dollars? In my bedroom the gunman shouted at me, Where are the

dollars?! We actually only had teen dollars in the house thatnight. I emptied my wallet. He was getting angrier. Where are your jewels? he demanded. I gave him the ew things I carried with me.No diamonds, nothing expensive. Wheres your husbands gun?Get the gun! The gun? It had never dawned on us to get a gun.Even my husband, not a practicing Buddhist, elt that violence isnever solved with more violence. There was no gun.

Unhappy with what I had produced the gunman put his gunto my head and told me I must nd him some money and jewels.So I ransacked the room, and as I threw our belongings on our bed another mind ulness moment occurred.

Breathing in,I see the goodness inside o you,Breathing out,

I smile at your goodness.

It was obvious to me at that moment that the gunman wasntlooking or money or jewels; what he was really looking or waslove. So I watered the fower in him. As I dropped my clothes onthe bed I imagined each piece o clothing lling the robber withlove. Fi teen minutes later he brought me downstairs and tied meup on the foor next to my husband and the guard.

Tied up on the foor, my hands and eet tightly wired together,I thought: I should be scared. But then I heard Thays voice whis-per to me:Call them by their true name. So this is what I did. Irecited:

Please call me by my true names,so I can hear all my cries and my laughsat once,so I can see that my joy and pain are one.Please call me by my true names,so I can wake up,and so the door o my heart can be le t open,the door o compassion.

Lying on the foor, ace down, I repeated to mysel , Wakeup, Compassion as the gunmen put all o our computers andelectronic equipment in bags to steal.

The Open Door of CompassionOur Kenyan riend, Rose, was staying with us. Rose is a poor

A rican woman who had been our maid in Nairobi years ago. Shecame down to help us settle in and meet our boys. I consider her amember o our amily, which is why she was living in our home,not typical in A rica. The tall gunman spotted her room and askedme, Whos in here? Our riend, I replied. He walked in. Roselater told me she wasnt sleeping, and because our foors wereconcrete and the gunmen spoke to us in a whisper she did not knowanything was happening inside the house, but o course she wasshocked to be taken out o bed in the middle o the night. Theytied her up also in the living room, searched the house again or

money and jewels and then untied her, took her into her b and raped her.

Breathing in,Breathing out.

I didnt know at the time she was being raped, but thathe tall gunman did. He raped her. And then, twenty minut

a ter talking or a while about taking me with them in onvehicles that they stole to get away, the gunmen tied heavover our mouths so we would not scream and put all ourRoses room, tied up, in the dark.

Untying wire is not easy, but I got ree rst. Then ththen my husband, and nally a ter I shouted out Rose,okay?! she slowly sat up. Thank goodness they did not kids, were the rst words rom her mouth. It was only lshe told me she had been raped.

I expected logic to rise up in me; I expected to eel macould they have done this to Rose? Yet, again, instead the Dsur aced and I ound mysel not angry at the gunmen.

that she was raped just made me want to water the seeds othe gunmen even more. My intellectual sel thought, this how could I not be mad? It elt like a betrayal o Rose mad at them. Surely, Rose was mad.

Two nights a ter the incident, with my amily and Rointo the sa ety o a hotel room in Arusha, Rose slipped a nmy door that I discovered at bedtime. She wrote o movingthe experience. And at the end she wrote, Lets get betbitter. At that moment it was clear to me that she was wthe same seeds I was. The Dharma lived in her as well.

We le t Tanzania one month later having lost over $rom the move to Arusha, and we returned to the Unite

without a home, job, cars, or a school or our children toThank you, Thay, or your teachings. Love and com

is the only way orward. O this I am clear.

Karen Brody is a member o the BuddinFlower Sangha in New Paltz, New Yor

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S

He said And this too!

with a joy ul, resh

voice that conveyed

equanimity whether

the phrase was in re -

erence to the blue sky,

the lush green o the

rice paddies, or the

killing f elds.

photo courtesy of the monastic Sangha

gif t of NON-FEAR

Sometimes li e presents us with very intense training opportunitiesor our practice. Probably you are amiliar with those opportuni-

ties or learning. We didnt ask or the experience and we wouldntchoose it, i we were given a choice. But regardless o how wewish reality would be, it isnt like that. Its likethis and here weare, in the middle o it!

A while back, I was headed to a amily retreat at Deer Park. Ineeded the quiet time and was looking orward to being immersedin our- old sangha, as well as speaking with my monastic brothersand sisters. As I was driving to Deer Park with my two children,we were listening to Green Days song Novocain. I began crying,because the songs request or Novocain to take away the pain o li es trials hit home so strongly. I so wanted relie rom the paino constantly trying to ace the di culties!

For months prior to that moment, li e had been o ering aseries o very intense training opportunities. I elt as i I was be-ing punched in the stomach, not just once in a while, but severaltimes a day or several times a week. There were too many thingsto detail here, but Ill give some examples.

I work as an ophthalmologist, specializing in a group o veryserious eye diseases that can result in blindness. Despite o eringpatients the latest and best eye care possible, some people still losevision. Studies have shown that people ear losing vision even more

than they ear death or any other loss. So in my medical oin addition to many people with very severe diseases, there people with lots o ear and anxiety and rustration.

Over the course o a month, there were three patients wlost vision in their only good eye.

One was a woman in her sixties who had lost the other eyeglaucoma. She always inspired me by her zest or li e despitlimited vision. Shortly a ter we rst met, I did a cornea transpin her one good eye and her vision improved rom blindnes20/20 (although she only had tunnel vision due to glaucoma)was a much better result than we had expected. But the transpwas rejected in less than a year, and a ter a series o eye probshe lost all vision in her only eye.

Another nineteen-year-old patient came to me with a vesevere eye disease that caused blindness in one eye and constsevere pain. When we rst met, she was always doubled ovepain. With very strong medication, she improved and no lonhad pain. Her amily was so happy with the wonder ul tranmation, as she returned to be the bubbly, joking person she hbeen be ore the constant pain. She still had 20/20 vision inother eye. Within days o the visit when we were all happy whow well she was doing, another disease attack occurred and lost vision in her good eye. With additional strong medicine,

Watering

FearlessnessA Mantra (or Two)By David C. Gritz

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vision returned. This cycle repeated a number o times and eachtime the vision came back. But then an especially severe attack occurred and the vision was permanently lost.

The third patient who lost vision in his only eye was a singleather with a young developmentally disabled son. A very good

doctor had made a bad decision to do surgery in the patients onlyeye. A rare complication occurred and the patient was sent to me.A ter months o intensive treatment including two surgeries, werealized there was no hope o improved vision.

During that same month when these three patients lost vision,I ound out I was entangled in a lawsuit. Another patient withsevere eye disease had been re erred to me or treatment. Despiteintensive treatment, she lost some peripheral vision in one eye.She brought a lawsuit because o the outcome. I was surprisedbecause I perceived that she and I had a very good relationship.It was di cult to think that even when I had done everything thatwas possible and could see nothing to change (upon reviewing themedical chart in detail) I would get sued.

In the ollowing month, another lawsuit emerged rom thethird patient I mentioned above. In addition to these patient-relatedissues there was a variety o other di culties at work with cowork-ers and supervisors, challenges at home, and amily di culties.

My ormal and in ormal mind ulness practice was o greathelp in dealing with these challenges and enabling me to still seethe joys o the present moment. However, a ter more than sixmonths o this ongoing assault, my energy was very low and myresilience in the ace o adversity was waning. With each newblow I would think, How can I deal with this? I need to aceit and deal with it, because this is my practice. I have no other choice. But how?

Water the Seeds of Non-Fear At Deer Park, I asked Sister Dang Nghiem or her advice

about these situations and my waning energy. How can I helpto rejuvenate mysel and maintain my energy, so I dont eel sodrained? I asked. She suggested that I deepen my practice throughwatering the seeds o non- ear.

I was uncertain how to go about this. I didnt perceive thepresence o ear in this situation and didnt know how to water theseeds o non- ear. I spoke to my teacher, Lyn Fine, a ter I returnedhome. Lyn explained that earlessness can help us ace di cultsituations and maintain our energy when aced with adversity.Lyn had several ideas or cultivating earlessness. One o thesesuggestions was to nd a mantra that would help to ace eachmoment with earlessness.

And This Too! Lyn told me about Maha Ghosananda, the Cambodian patri-

arch, who was asked, What is the essence o practice?

In response to the question, he replied:

Here.

Now.

And this too!

He said And this too! with a joy ul, resh voice tveyed equanimity whether the phrase was in re erencblue sky, the lush green o the rice paddies, or the killing

I started using And this too! as a mantra to go w

breathing, throughout my days at work and home.I also explored nding another mantra. There is a s

Portuguese that I love, called The Blowers Daughter. Oin the chorus is isso a (pronounced eh EES-oh ee),means, And so it is. I loved the melodious sound and o isso a, in addition to the meaning, and I began usmantra also. When a di cult situation arose, I would uschance to take a breath and say silently (or sometimes aloisso a! When a wonder ul moment arose, it would be chance to take a breath and say, And this too!

A typical response prior to starting the practice o a! could have le t me eeling downcast as I mumble

Oh, boy. Woe is me. And THIS, TOO! Instead, a resthis too! or isso a! helped me to see glimpses o huirony. When another potential punch in the stomach octhe mantra helped to quiet my mind and keep it rom runtelling me stories about how this blow was going to lead problems in the uture.

Over time, situations changed and my experience gratrans ormed. With the mantra practice, eelings o equanthe situations grew stronger. This particular practice helpemore deeply experience the reality o impermanence anthe precious jewel o the present moment, nding a unidi cult-to-describe joy, even in the di cult moments.

this practice, I continue to look or better understandinsu ering and to experience trans ormation.

Isso A, sung by Seu Jorge and Ana Carolinon the CD and DVD,Ao Vivo: Live. The original song wawritten in English and is called The Blowers Daughte

music and lyrics by Damien Rice

David C. Gritz,Truly Embracing Compassion, previously livein Berkeley, Cali ornia and attended Morning Light Sangha. H

has relocated to Kansas City with his amily, where he enjoys thsangha ellowship o the Heartland Community o Mind uln

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S

gif t of NON-FEAR

Sweat.

I am bathed in sweat.The temperature has gone up ten degrees since break ast. I

have put on more clothes: a long sleeved Haz-Mat suit, hugerubber overshoe boots, and three pairs o gloves (nitrile medicalgloves, covered by dishwashing gloves, covered by leather work gloves). A respirator conceals my nose and mouth; goggles cover my eyeglasses. Each breath smells and tastes like old rubber tires.The stale moisture rom my lungs accumulates. My glasses og.Time to move.

To manage these giant boots I learn to pick up each oot alittle higher. I take smaller steps; I am conscious o each step. Thecrotch o my jumpsuit goes to my knees. The legs are long, thebody loose and baggy. Sitting, kneeling and especially gettingback up requires mental planning. Climbing a stepladder inf oppy boots and a baggy suit is a new exercise. Once, I almost

all, trying to descend too quickly. I catch mysel , regroup, andtake it one step at a time. I make certain both eet are on the f oor be ore I pivot or walk away.

My tools are a hammer and a short pry bar. I nd that I amable to wrap my thickly gloved ngers around these, and possibly,use them. Time to work.

I am in New Orleans in July. It has been nearly two yearssince Katrina washed away those old, tired levees. It is not Cajun

ood or jazz that beckons, but a wish to help drain the stagn

pool le t by disaster and neglect. Here I stand, inside my Haz-suit, boots, goggles and triple gloves. I am like the Wicked WromThe Wizard of Oz .

I Am Melting!But somehow, I am okay. It seems my ears about my abi

to tolerate the heat were un ounded. I am not nauseous. I havheadache, no migraine aura. I am really okay.

I am working with a team o eight people adults and teeage youth. We are gutting a house. Our instructions are simpall paneling, sheetrock, tile, molding, doors, insulation, carpand linoleum must go. We must nd and pull every interior n

All that will remain are two-by- our studs and subf oor.Three o us begin in a small bedroom. We learn how to neg

ate this job and coordinate our movements in the con ned spWe work without talking, silenced by bulky respirators.

Everywhere I turn, I notice the water stains on the walls about twenty- our inches above the f oor. This marks the peakwhere the f oodwaters crested and stood a ter lling this home.pull Sheetrock rom interior closet walls I nd a barrette and a Bdoll shoe. I think o my daughters and the bedroom they shared wthey were small. This barren space was once a little girls roompicture her, playing with her dolls, trying to sit still while her modoes her hair; sleeping snugly in her big girl bed.

Letting GoBy Roberta Schnorr

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6/1428 Summer 2008

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It is hot. We take a break every hour. When one o us stopsto rest, we tell all the others. We lay down our tools, remove our respirators and gloves, and gather in the backyard. We pull coldwater bottles rom the cooler and pass them around. We settle under a little shade on coolers and storage boxes. As we sit and drink the best water we have ever tasted, we notice each other, and more.

Sometimes there is a gentle breeze. We are grate ul.Among our little group are riends, and also, new acquain-

tances. Here we sit, bound by shared e ort on this modest, water-stained house. As we huddle in the meager shade, I am struck bywhat I experience with my new teammates. There is no need to

ll the space with chatter. We talk. We listen. We are still. Wordsor silence it eels just right.

Working MeditationI notice, even on my rst day, that I nd a rhythm and un a-

miliar satis action as I plug along. The old walls give up Sheetrock easily except or the six to eight inches near the foor. Real

wood baseboard our inches high is snugly astened aroundeach rooms perimeter. I try prying the baseboard rom the studs.It does not budge. I kneel down or a closer look. At the bottomo the baseboard is quarter round. A closer look reveals more

carpet strip a fat strip o wood that astened the edges o wall-to-wall carpet.

A ter some experimentation, I gure out how to get under one end o the carpet strip. I use the straight end o my pry bar and hammer, removing the strip three or our inches at a time. Ireturn to my starting place and position my pry bar (the curvedend this time) on top o the quarter round, near the baseboard.I hammer down on the curve o the bar and the quarter roundgives. Working in ten- or twelve-inch sections seems best. Finally,I approach the solid wood baseboard. I move steadily rom onetwo-by- our stud to the next, inserting the curved end o my prybar, hammering (down) then prying (up), hammering and prying.At some unpredictable point the length o baseboard gives. Longsections come loose.

I realize how di erent this eels rom my usual mind states.I am ocused, ully present not daydreaming or racing to reachsome imaginary goal. Occasionally, my mind wanders. I think about an un nished project that awaits me at home. Each time, Icatch my thoughts, let go, come back. I will give it my ull atten-tion when I get home. I realize that, perhaps or the rst time inmy li e, I am ully engaged with the task at hand. It seems I amable to be just here, hammering, prying and sliding along. I amnot ghting the repetitive work and slow progress I am pulledinto a riendly, rhythmic pace. I work with, not against this oldhouse, coaxing her along, as she slowly surrenders her handsomewood trim.

One day, as we pull Sheetrock rom the ceiling, we discover what seems like miles o corner bead, a strong metal trim that

orms and sustains the corner joints. Working overhead on a shakystepladder, it presents a new challenge. I change my method, pull-ing down all o the Sheetrock rst. Blown-in insulation spills out,covering my head and shoulders. I press orward, exposing the

relentless corner bead. I try orce. I try pulling. Finally, I to its strength and seek its pattern. The corner bead is nailethree inches. I can ree only three inches at a time. I acctruth and ocus on one nail, then another nail.

Something shi ts in this moment. The struggle is over. claw hammer insert at the point o the nail and push awby one, the nails come ree, o ten with a single push. Asbaseboard, I nd my rhythm, and I am right there, nail a

oot a ter oot o corner bead like me just letting g

An Unexpected Retreat In New Orleans, in the house o a woman I will never

discovered long, silent hours to be with mysel , working mstaying present. I was surprised that in this place, my mind wandering, but tuned in, moment by moment, to the presenI did not think about tasks or outcomes, discovering satisI became one with the process accessing an un amiliar as I pulled sheetrock and molding, reed corner bead, s

debris, or pushed a wheelbarrow.Time with people I hardly knew was pleasant, tranqu

came together every hour, or cool water and rest. At midtraded items rom simple box lunches. We talked. We listesat in silence with our weary breath.

In this time ar rom home, doing un amiliar woror many moments, present to mysel , to others. Prese

my experience right here, right now in someones strhouse in New Orleans.

Roberta Schnorr lives in Central SquareNew York with her husband Dick an

teenage daughters Grete and Molly. She isan education pro essor at SUNY Oswego

In July, 2007, Roberta and Grete traveled toNew Orleans with members o a Luthera

church to assist amilies whose homes werdamaged by Hurricane Katrina.

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In Lhasa, sitting in a dim ca , so t cave o quiet,I hold a chipped white porcelain mug and sip

jasmine tea,its avor like warm spring owers on my tongue.

I watch the woman bend low to slowly sweepthe old wooden oor with her worn nub o a broom.She moves like a mallard oating on an evening

lake: this is li e; there is no thought o fnishing this

motion.

Her dark ace is weathered by wind and sun, bothharsh at this altitude.

With lined brow she looks gnome-like, a mysteriouslittle witch

dressed all in deep blue: blouse, apron, skirt to her ankles

same outft every day this past week.

A small spider moves almost crab-like across theoor

in ast starts it scuttles, stops suddenly,then hurries along again, edging ever closer.

She sees the spider and lays down the broom.Like a dreaming dance or sleepy stretchshe bows even lower and scoopsthe eight legged creature into her hand.

With the same slow pace she heads to the opendoor

one oot in ront o the other, a silent march o patience.

She stoops again, places the spider on the ground outside, a new home o rock and weeds.

Reentering the room, she looks like a little girl now her step lighter and quicker bright smile stretches across her mouthtwinkles in her eyes like a secret joke: sunlight shines silver on a spider web a ter the rain.

Julie Hungiville LeMay

photos courtesy of the monastic Sangha

heal ing and TRANSFORMATION

The First Precept

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W



When we arrived, the hallway in the Claymont Court bwas lled with light. It was a cold, windy, winter night retreatants came in wearing heavy winter jackets. We huggother with deep breaths and beaming smiles. At dinner tisound o a gentle bell rang, subduing all noise and motiwhole room became a completely quiet place. We had o

meal in silence.Be ore long, [Dharma teacher] Anh Huong appeared

in ront o my husband and me. She gave us a gentle, smile, and expressed her appreciation to my husband orme here. Anh Huong suggested that, as soon as we nishedhe should head home to be with our three teenagers, and him that I would be sa e during my stay.

Being Nurtured in Body and SoulAs Anh Huong promised, I was sa e and well tak

o . I was pampered with resh country air, well ed witvegetarian ood, and accompanied by gentle riendship.

that the head cook o ten joined us in the sitting and indoing meditation. This time, she also joined us or the Tthe Earth meditation and sat next to me. At the end, Anhcare ully guided us through Hugging Meditation. We hugother in three long breaths o respect, appreciation, and lcook hugged the person on her right, then me, and by thher eyes and mine were lled with tears. She carried the o the oods that she had prepared. This ragrance touheart and carried my memory back to the cozy days in Vwhen I was awakened by the smell o the wonder ul oomother cooked or the Vietnamese New Year estival. In thanked the cook or all her taste ul and nourishing oodnot just a cook, but a dear sister making meals or us. Sher desserts were incredibly delicious. She baked the besties that I have ever tasted; I swallowed them slowly and each small bite.

On this three-day weekend retreat, I could do what I cond the opportunity to do in my busy li e my mind an

were with the ood and drink in each meal. I loved to holdtea with both hands and let its heat warm my cold hands. Idrank one sip at a time. I elt the tea being absorbed genttiny cells o my whole body. As the night came, and in theo the warm companionship o my two roommates, I quasleep. It was more like a vacation than a religious retreactually had the time and space to rest.

A Daughter in a Confucian HomeWithin the Sanghas cradle, I allowed mysel to be ra

little wounded girl inside o me had a chance to breatheand to ask or compassion and acceptance. In her DharmAnh Huong showed us how to practice no-sel by lookinhands. Using mind ul and compassionate breathing, wedeeply at our ancestors traits that exist in each vessel hands. Joining her invitation, I ound my own su ering inwith my ancestors torments. By deeply contemplating thI recognized my mother, the only daughter o a well-est

amily that was deeply infuenced by the teachings o Co

The Leaves

of One TreeBy Le Thu Thuy

In that culture, a daughter

was worth nothing.

30 Summer 2008

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My mother grew up with her voice being ignored and her pres-ence considered irrelevant. In that culture, a daughter was worthnothing because her ather believed that she would soon belongto another amily when she married; he would invest very littlein her education. My mother had a th-grade education her younger brothers went to college abroad and later became a doctor,

a pro essor, and a law en orcement o cer.I was more ortunate. My parents worked very hard to give

me the best education in Saigon. Witnessing the lack o educationand mistreatment that his only sister endured, my ather o eredme the same opportunities, attention, a ection, and love that mybrothers received.

Because we did not carry my mothers amily name, mysiblings and I were o ten treated as outsiders by her ather. Sadly,no one was aware o the seeds o unworthiness that played a bigpart in my mothers identity and were quietly being passed on toher children. I o ten elt insecure and le t out, while my siblingsset ambitious goals to establish their own identities and reputa-

tion, perhaps as a way to mask their eelings o being rejected.We may achieve wealth and certain positions in our society, butwe are o ten lost in coping with our rustration and resentmenttoward the maternal amily.

I learned that the collective karma is much more power ulthan I realized. As I consider my own past and my present wayo living, I realize that I ll my days with activities to expand myintellect, to make acquaintances, to earn a com ortable living,and to help others, without realizing that the deep seeds in myconsciousness are controlling my thoughts, my speech, and myactions. My knowledge o Buddhism and Christianity, includingthe satis action o doing good deeds, was not e ective in reduc-

ing the potentially destructive e ects o negative emotions. But incalmness and mind ulness, the Buddhas wisdom and the Sanghascompassion helped to shed light on this dark corner o mine.

My Grandfathers Secret LoveI remembered spending many summer nights at my grand a-

thers home. He had shown his care and love or me in private. Heboiled hot water or me to bathe, told me stories o his childhoodwith his younger sister, his love or the rst wi e who died youngwhile giving birth to their rst son, read books, and instilled inme a love or literature and history. I no longer blame him or notbeing able to display that so t, gentle part o himsel in public. Inow understand that many men o his generation, living in sucha culture, would not have known how to behave any di erently.My resentment was melting away as my heart lled with his love

or me and mine or him.

Walking on this path o understanding and love makes mysoul so t and cleansed. Mistakes and regrets are a part o the past,while hope and happiness are right here under my steps.

Healing the Past We live six hundred miles away rom where my grand ather

was buried twenty years ago. I never went to visit his grave.Modern transportation o ered many opportunities to do so, but

or many years, I have down-played the importance o such aand o ten ound good excuses or not doing so.

Since I got back rom this retreat, the newly ound unstanding and love or my grand ather made me, or the rstwant to visit his resting place. My husband drove my mom ame to Canada to visit his amily and my uncle, who liked idea that all o us would visit my grand ather. My uncle dhis wi e, my rst cousin, my mother, my husband, and me tocemetery. He and my husband had a bonding talk in the ront while my mom and I caught up on the stories o our lives wmy aunt and my cousin in the back. We had a lovely time durthe ride. It was a cold, windy day at the graveyard, but I dresproperly or the weather and elt warmed by the amily lovreconnection. I stood in ront o my grand athers grave athe incense. With mind ul breaths, I rst expressed my gratitand respect or all the ancestors and then o ered my whole

eelings to my grand ather.

As we le t the cemetery, a new chapter in the account o

maternal amily tree was being written. It would record the that my grand ather has always been in me and will always bmy descendants. The DNA will always support this and nobocan deny or alter this act. Gender, last name, and success wnot signi y how we relate to each other; real blood, true love,a deep understanding will. Each individual has their own placthe universe. My experience proves that by deeply understandthe past and mind ully living in the present moment, it is possto trans orm past mistakes and change the course o the preand uture.

To Live as OneWere all the leaves o one tree,Were all the leaves o one tree,The time has come or all to live as oneWere all the leaves o one tree

Lately, each time I sing that song with the Sangha, I see tmy grand ather is joy ully singing it with me and we let each sink deeply into each vessel o our body. Nothing could takapart! I am a lea o one tree just like my grand ather is anare alling grace ully without regrets into the cradle o the Jewels.

Le Thu Thuy,Opening of the Awakening Heart , hasbeen practicing or many

years with the Boat o Compassion Sangha and the Mind ulness Practice

Center o Fair ax, Virginia(MPCF) Sangha.

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gender couples to marry but our marriages are not recognized bythe ederal government. Israel also recognizes our marriages, butthey must be per ormed in another country.

Marriage is about many things, including love, commitment,intimacy, companionship, emotional support, nancial support,children, and delity.

Some people argue that marriage is essentially about procre-ation, but many opposite-gender couples dont have children andmany same-gender couples do. According to the Canadian Psy-chological Association, studies show that children o same-gender couples do just as well as other children and are no more likely tobe gay or lesbian themselves.

Simply put, marriage is the central and most prominent wayin which society recognizes romantic love and commitment. Sincebeing gay is de ned by who you love, the exclusion or inclusion inmarriage sends a power ul signal about our place in society.

Exclusion says our love is in erior to the love between a manand a woman. This message does us great harm, both in a rm-ing anti-gay attitudes and also in telling LGBT people that theressomething wrong with us. Inclusion in marriage sends the messagethat we are not fawed because o our sexual orientation. It says thatwe are equally worthy o respect and consideration.

This is especially important or LGBT youth. This poignantletter to the editor was written when equal marriage legislation wasbe ore Canadas Parliament:

I wonder i those fghting so hard against same-sex marriageever consider how much it means to gays. They dont know what its like to be a teenager when the pressure to con orm is sogreat and you experience the horror o realizing that you aregay. They cant understand what its like to listen to your riends

talk about how they hate queers and how they wish they were dead.You consider suicide, because you never want anyone to fnd out the truth about yoursel ; your shame is too great to bear.

And these people cant understand the hope that flled mysoul when I frst ound out that Canada was considering allowing same-sex marriage. This legislation goes so ar beyond marriage.It is a symbol. It represents the hopes and dreams o gays or abetter world. Now that Im 18, I can fnally admit to mysel that I am gay and no longer eel the shame that almost drew me tosuicide. At least now I have hope.

The Desire for True Love

My deepest aspiration is to understand my su ering and totrans orm it. At Plum Village Thay Phap An told me that most o us spend much o our time struggling with one particular issue,one that is based on a misperception o reality. This misperceptionacts like a prism, distorting how we see the world and causing usto su er. Covering up this misperception is a block o pain that hasbeen built up over the years.

My block o pain seems to revolve around my desire to nd truelove and my belie that I wont, perhaps because there is somethingwrong with me, or perhaps because I am simply ated to be alone.

I have had many insights about the source o my su eusually when I cry during sitting meditation. This has happemany times when I recall a eeling rom the past, such as the saand despair when my partner le t me, or the ear that I will n

nd another. And then another thought will mani est, perhaps a di erent time in my li e, and I know that there is a connebetween the two.

Slowly, slowly, I am chipping away at the block o pain texists deep inside me. I still have a long way to go to get throthe block o pain, and to see and penetrate the misperceptionlies beneath it. I dont know i I will ever get there, but I knoam on the path, and I have aith in that path. The more diligenpractice, the happier I am.

For example, sometimes I despair. But I identi y it as despor perhaps a mix o despair, sadness and grasping, or whatever ings I can identi y. I observe my in-breath and out-breath. I remmysel that this is just a eeling, and that eelings come and

For much o my li e I learned to suppress my eelings acut mysel o rom my body. But that did not end my su e

anything, it made the su ering worse and prevented me rom positive action. My practice is helping me to re-connect withbody and to become whole again.

Feelings are not only in my mind, but also in my body. I the eeling in my body and I describe it to mysel . Perhaps

eeling is a tension between my shoulder blades, or tension my neck extending outwards to each arm. I observe that thihow despair is mani esting in my body. When I release the tenin my body, the eeling also dissipates. Sometimes this happquickly, sometimes it takes a long time. Sometimes I dont htime to wait because Im too busy at work and I just live withtension until later.

Underneath despair I nd joy. I have experienced this hiddjoy many times. Sometimes I can even nd joy without havto go through despair. I I just look around my body, I can almalways nd somewhere thats experiencing joy.

Smiling Through TearsI have also observed that I need my Sangha to support m

practice. It is so easy to practice at Plum Village, but so dito practice in the world, with the pressure o work, riendsthe dominant western culture. My Sangha helps motivate mebe diligent.

My practice helps me trans orm my su ering into happiIt gives me aith that there is a way out o su ering. It reminthat my su ering is impermanent.With this awareness, I can smilethrough my tears.

Laurie Arron,Faithful Embraceof the Heart, is an aspirant to the

Order o Interbeing. He divideshis time between Toronto and

Ottawa and is a member o theMind ulness Practice Centre o

the University o Toronto and thePine Gate Sangha.

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12/1434 Summer 2008

I hear the birds and see the golden

sky behind the trees.

AAlmost every place is taken tonight in the meditation hall. Prob-ably a lot o people have come to nd an island o com ort andsa ety a ter the tragedy at Virginia Tech, I tell mysel as I settleinto my cushion. I notice the seed o sorrow that has darkenedmy mind since returning rom caring or my brother who took hislast breath just weeks ago. This seed seems to have a little magnetinside that attracts sadness.

Richard is the bell inviter and he welcomes us to the secondhal o the evening. He tells us he has a practice he wants to o er that he learned rom John Bell o the Mountain Bell Sangha inMassachusetts. Its called Blue Sky Practice. He explains. Firstwell sing the song Blue Skies and then well take a ew minutesto think about a blue sky experience. A ew people will tell whatqualities blue sky moments have or them. A ter that well meditateon our own blue sky experiences. Next well nd one other personwhom we dont know very well and take turns sharing our bluesky times and then well return to the circle and share.

We Left the Camps Singing Surprised and curious, I wait while Richard hands out little

squares o paper with the words to Blue Skies printed in blueink. And then Freddie leads us as we sing:

Blue skies smilin at meNothin but blue skies do I seeBluebirds singin a song Nothin but blue birds all day long.

Never saw the sun shinin so bright Never saw things goin so right

Noticing the days hurrying byWhen youre in love, my how they y.

Blue days all o them goneNothin but blue skies rom now on.Blue skies smilin at meNothin but blue skies do I see.

We stumble along together the rst time and then we sing withour hearts. Sangha energy f ows and begins to open this crowdedheart. I remember something I learned during the retreat at Deer Park. Thay wants us to be happy. The Buddha wants us to be happy.And, most amazing, happiness can exist even in the midst o sad-

Prayer ags in Estes Park photo by Nathaniel Cordova


ness. Da odils bloom on cold, wet spring days. On a traAuschwitz, Ettie Hillesum threw a postcard out the train wthat read, We le t the camps singing. Not ake happiwe wear to please others, but the happiness that comes membering that right now we are alive, the happiness tha

rom being aware o what is real in this moment.Earth Beneath and Sky Above

Were given a ew minutes to think about a blue skyence. I am walking on a mountain ridge close to the sky. People share and I think o other blue sky times. And meditate or about ten minutes. Blue sky. Remember blI tell mysel as I notice the seed o sorrow sprouting agseed has grown thick recently with sad thoughts: It shouldhappened. I dont want it to be like this. They were too It could have been prevented. I only. And then, Oh yis Sangha and were meditating on our blue sky momentswalking along the red dirt path, trees beside me, earth benesky above. All is well. This picture ades and I am back brother. I eel sad. I open my eyes and remember that I athe Sangha where we are together concentrating on blueSpace opens up inside me and I relax. I eel light and cobe sitting here with the Sangha.

We nd a partner and share. He goes rst and I listBuddha, as Richard has suggested we listen, wide open to lijust listening without thoughts or eelings. I eel re reshehis blue sky experiences and then telling him mine.

We join the circle and share moments o clarity and reedom. Its right here as we talk, blue skies smilin at m

in, Blue sky mind is contagious. I eel happy.Now its today and I wake up early to meditate. The he

o the past month is gone. I hear the birds and see the gobehind the trees. I invite the little bell and the little bell is sky lling me with spaciousness.

Susan Hadler, True Lotus Recollection, practices with the Washington

Mind ulness Community inWashington, DC. In the past two years

Susan has been able to be with her mother, her brother and her step- ather

as each took their last breath.

Blue SkyPractice

By Susan Hadler

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Heart toHeart In each issue of the Mindfulness Bell readers take on

a different topic, writing in short essays about their personal experience and their practice.

The Fifth Mindfulness TrainingAware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I will ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant

or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, lms and conversations. I am aware that todamage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and future generations. I will work totransform violence, fear, anger and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet iscrucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

I


e have covere he ve n u ness ra n ngs; now we as or your thoughts on the role that art plays in your practice and your life.Keep it concrete, personal, and short under 500 words. Send your submission to [email protected] by July 15, 2008 (or so).

he nex op c, ue c o er , , w e he ro e o mus c n your prac ce an your e.

hear t to HEART

Two years a ter I discovered Thay and his teachings, I decided tostop drinking alcohol. There were many reasons. I had just spent

six months in India without drinking any alcohol and I was inspiredto continue this practice. I had also witnessed the terrible e ects o alcohol addiction on someone very dear to me. And I was deeplyinspired by Thays teaching it is better to be mind ul o whatis going on inside o ourselves rather than losing ourselves in aglass o wine.

At rst, when socializing with riends, I had a lot o explain-ing to do. Apparently, not drinking is more unusual than being avegetarian. The most di cult part was, by ar, how to explain mydecision to my riends without making them eel that I was, insome way, judging them. A ter they recognized my pre erences,even i they didnt completely understand, many o them madea special e ort to serve lovely so t drinks or juices, instead o abottle o wine.

Meanwhile, alcohol completely aded away rom my systemand my thoughts. I bypassed the alcoholic beverages in the super-market and enjoyed a variety o so t drinks. I never really drank much, but by quitting completely I became more aware o how Ihad used alcohol; it was the way that I coped with stress in my li e.A ter work, just one glass o wine would induce a warm, relaxed

eeling that allowed me to let go o everything. So, whats wrongwith that? I used to say to mysel , especially i one glass o winewould do the trick. However, the wine smoothly masked a problemwithout contributing anything to a solution. Why did I let mysel get so stressed out by things that were happening at work?

Going completely tee-total also helped me recognize role that alcohol is playing in our society. I discovered how soci

unacceptable it is to not drink. There is a stigma attached to it an assumption made that the only people who completely qdrinking alcoholic beverages are alcoholics!

A ter six years o not drinking alcohol, I gradually becless strict with my practice. On occasion, when I socialized w

riends or colleagues, I would have a glass o wine or beer. joyed the taste and the sense o gezelligheid (cozy togetherness),something that is very important to us in The Netherlands. Bthis also meant that alcohol started creeping back into my lithe supermarket, I began once again to look at the wine. Or wcycling home rom work, I elt a craving or a glass o inrelaxation. I resisted but realized that or many years there been nothing or me to resist because when I was not drinkalcohol the cravings were gone. I guess that is one o the conerable bene ts o quitting completely you just dont havethink about it. Ever!

So, I have chosen to quit again, but this time with a deepunderstanding o the reasons why. Reasons that will give mecon dence to believe that I will avoid the ate o the amous smwho said giving up is easy, Ive done it lots o times.

Evelyn van de VeenShining Strength of the HeartAmsterdam, The Netherlands

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I I

I have su ered a lot rom what I have ingested in the past. Grow-ing up, my amily was very unhappy, and we werent able to beclose and supportive. As a result, all o us developed addictions toeating and TV, among other unhealthy habits. Joining the sanghaand hearing this training, I knew I had to change the undamentalway I was relating to mysel . I no longer wanted to neglect mybody and be terrorized by my disturbing thoughts and eelings. Ihad taken re uge in eating, intellectual snobbery, unwholesomecreative expression and a judgmental attitude; now I wanted to letgo o these. But how could I make such a massive change?

This training brings me in touch with the many elements Iam made o . Cultivating awareness, I can choose what elementsto allow in me to become the uture me. I accept that I am vulner-able, a ected by everything in my environment, and also that I ampower ul, able to direct my uture by knowing what environmentswill allow me to grow healthy and which not. When I identi ysu ering, I can examine what I have been consuming eating,paying attention to, thinking about, saying, or participating in.By doing this I have the con dence that I have taken a good steptoward well-being.

Now when I eat, I think, do I want to eat this ood becausemy body wants the nourishment, or because I eel agitated andwant to ignore the agitation? I it is that my body wants to benourished by the ood, I am being compassionate and loving tomysel by eating it. I it is that I eel agitated, I need to give mysel compassion, to take care o mysel by returning to my breath andcalming my agitation.

When I buy things, bringing awareness I can ask, do thesebring the joy Im a ter? I invite my motivations to reveal them-selves, and also my needs. And then I ask, what does bring me joyand peace? This way I can know my real sel , and pay attention toall the wonder ul things around me that do bring me joy, solidity,clarity. I need to be compassionate and use these opportunities tonourish mysel now so I will be strong in the uture.

This training leads me to the re uge o the sangha, to thewholesome environment that it provides. In the sangha I consumestability, sanity, love. I participate joy ully in the stream o li ehorizontally in my peers by allowing my heart to open. Beingpresent I nourish them and am nourished by them, and my li ehas meaning. From this training I recognize that my practice is

ood or mysel and everyone I meet. I practice this tramy amily in order to love them better, or my ancestorenvironments lled them with disparagement and craviso lost them the opportunity to develop the capacity to lobe loved.

Scott MorriRealizing Vision of the Heart

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

In my studies I learned that insight was one o the doors ttion and that non-sel , impermanence, and non-su eringkeys to insight. These were interesting ideas, but I couldn

nd out how to practice them. It turned out that my practalcohol gave me my rst glimpse into non-sel .

When I rst practiced the Fi th Mind ulness Trawas o ten a orced a air, almost a physical e ort to rdrinking. Sometimes this technique didnt work and I endrinking anyway. In these cases I o ten tried to bring minto my drinking, taking notice o how it made me eel. Iawareness to the reasons I wanted to drink and I discovedesire to connect more deeply with others, to escape romemotions, and to eel more con dent. Sometimes taking these desires caused my beer to remain un nished.

Over time, I saw how my li e was improving due to

alcohol consumption. Still I occasionally elt like I was mion the un. Other times it was the opposite, a eeling odrinking and going against my vow. And other times I gohigh horse and told my riends how bad they were or d

Mind ulness made it easier and easier not to drink. Ito eel more ree. Then something changed I noticed hdrinking would encourage my riends to drink. Its easierwhen others are doing it. I saw that by buying a beer, I wing or alcohol advertisements. I was partly responsiblealcohol problem we have in our society. My point o vshi ted it wasnt just about me anymore. When I saw tthe rst time, and understood it in my heart, then in that m

all desire to drink was removed. There was no guilty eesense o missing out, no wanting to escape. Replacing thwas a eeling o love and care or my riends. I realizconnect with them in a way that was true without needing I could be with them without judging them or their dri

elt so ree. I elt that or the rst time in my li e, mywere nally in line with my aspirations.

The insight o non-sel and the mind o love are ththeir clear voice: its not just about me.

Paul BaranowskSolid Awakening of the Heart

Toronto, Ontario, Canada


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